#sorry fellas i heard someone said agatha and simon were really in love and physically attracted to each other and i have to rant a bit

[sailorblossoms]

There's much going on in the scene where Simon basically expresses his disinterest in labeling himself (outside of "baz-sexual" lol which sounds funny but that's Simon genuinely communicating something with the vocabulary he has available). I think the funniest thing though is that he's basically like "I don't know shit but let me tell you nothing about my relationship with Agatha can be used to say I'm bisexual, especially not sex". And by funny I mean kinda sad and a bit concerning actually.

On a more serious note, I think it's really interesting to see how Simon reacts to different labels. He never really wonders whether he's bisexual, his struggles with attempting to define identity are entirely centered on his feelings for Baz. He even finds a way to, I kid you not, make female boobs about Baz. Gay and Baz-sexual are the only labels he wrestles with, and even gay is something he considers because Baz is a man. It's also interesting that this doesn't change even when presented with the possibility that bisexuality could be a word that describes his experiences.

I think so much is encapsulated here. First of all, Simon does struggle with internalized homophobia (that hesitation before the whole man and boy exchange), and we see him trying to move past that in the third book (Baz noting he gets off with public displays of affection despite "worrying about looking gay" and how that's probably connected, the "gay at ikea" scene). But I don't think he struggles with internalized biphobia–it's just not even on his radar at all. Simon can be very quick at solving things once he has enough information, and I doubt he needed any time to realize why his boyfriend, who knows he has an ex-girlfriend, might think he's bisexual. And he's put off by the idea. Look at that No being italicized for emphasis. He has such a strong rejection of being labeled as bisexual, and I think this is all about him rejecting the idea of his past relationship with Agatha being understood as romantic love and sexual attraction, even before he finally processes and voices that "it was all just going through the motions, I'm not sure I even felt anything at all".

Worth noting that he's in agreement with Agatha on this. She was there, and in hindsight, she doesn't think the guy was ever into her (a feeling she already manifest when breaking up with him, when she's describing their relationship as feeling non-existent, and still feeling unwanted after being together for 3 years)

She equates this to the way Baz, known homosexual, was never into her either.

Worth noting too that the label conversation is at the beginning of the chapter that has Simon dragging himself kicking and screaming (literally) through the realization that he was never really into Agatha in that way, he just assumed that must be it while they were dating, ignoring anything that indicated otherwise. But Simon really had to be aware of this on some level that he just wasn't acknowledging for him to be able to reach some answers when Baz's questions make him look back. Again, the rejection of seeing his past relationship with Agatha as romantic love/attraction had to be there on a subconscious level for him to have the instinct to be put off by being labeled in this way because of it.

In comparison, he's much more nuanced and complicated about gay as a label. He's not prepared to think about it at the beginning, but it's something he keeps coming back to. He says he's not gay "immediately" here but at the end of the chapter he goes "maybe this makes me gay, or maybe this just makes me yours". And this is all because of his feelings for Baz. He's not ever like "I'm into dudes in general so I reckon that makes me gay". The questioning is always in the line of "the love of my life is a man, does that make me gay?" and he brings up the possibility of only being into Baz more than once... which takes me to Baz going "if he's not gay or bi what does that leave? straight is certainly not an option" and well! It leaves the ace spectrum, for instance, my good guy.

I also think Simon going "I never thought I was straight, I never thought about my sexuality at all" is interesting, because even though it aligns with how he lived for so long not really thinking, part of being allosexual is knowing instinctively when you're experiencing attraction too, and it's an acespec experience to need forever to decide if you're feeling attracted to strangers. And Simon really can't offer examples of him feeling attraction that doesn't involve Baz! In fact, he says it to himself: he has only ever wanted Baz, and he's thinking this in the context of thinking about sex.

In short: everything about Simon rejecting bisexuality is about him rejecting the idea that he felt romantic love/attraction for Agatha, and everything about him wrestling with the gay label is centered on his feelings for Baz.

#sorry fellas i heard someone said agatha and simon were really in love and physically attracted to each other and i have to rant a bit #i'm incapable of saying ´what the fuck' and moving on with my day like a normal person apparently #i have to open my blog like that cow and chicken scene #y'all remember that late 90s cartoon? #like 'Dear Diary you ain't never gonna believe what I am about to write down on yous' #anyway #unlabeled simon rights! #simon snow #baz grimm pitch #snowbaz