#that retj kitten au is disturbingly alluring

[cto10121]

R&J Clown Takes Round ♾ —Part 8

In which a Reddit short with the question “Which fictional character(s) are wrongly idolized?” brings the anti clowns once more to the yard. A lot of garden variety hate and rehashed old chestnuts—but at least one truly jaw-dropping, unhinged take.

“jUST dUMB kIDS!!!”

Juliet is 13, not three. First the Orlando Bloom version where they had poor Juliet on a swing during her most erotic soliloquy, and now this. What is it with these productions’ obsession with infantilizing her apart from being part-and-parcel with misogynistic Victorian purity culture?

So. Once more with feeling. While Juliet is 13, she is no immature dummy with a dummy. She eagerly anticipates orgasming on Romeo’s dick—this is literal canon. Not all 13-year-olds are alike in maturity. Juliet is obviously on the high-end scale, and purposefully written that way. She is literally ready to smash.

*pushes up glasses* “acTUALLY”

This was corrected later on in the thread, which quickly devolved into whether or not R&J is a tragedy or not. But I’ll correct it here because ho, boy, the confidence.

Arthur Brooke’s poem is titled “The Tragicall Historie of Romeus and Juliet” (give or take a misspelling or two), not “The Most Excellent and Lamentable Tragedy” (title of the quarto edition). And no, it is not darker than the play. If anything, it is lighter. I did a whole read-through with commentary of the poem on my blog. Suffice to say, Shakespeare did a lot of clean-up of Brooke’s mess, turning his dull morality fable into an actual tragedy with real drama.

Romeo Hate Dumb (Reprise, encore plus bête)

Where the hell are these English teachers coming from? Oh, right, barely literate warm bodies hired by a underfunded public schools attacked by right-wing and elite faux liberals who want to privatize public education and keep down the masses. Almost forgot.

Melinda Taub? Rachel Caine? Is that you?

Yawn. OP, this is just dull. These clowns are tired even of their own shtick. Plus, there’s all this hemming and hawing. If you must clown, clown to the back seats!

That said, here’s something new: “a line implying judgement in the beginning.” How mysterious, OP. Do tell. Me, I can’t really think of any. The Prologue Chorus is neutral to slightly biased in favor of the lovers; Chorus 2 is a little less so, particularly “alike bewitched by the charm of looks” description. That still isn’t judgment, though. Overall, the play more often fully embodies the lovers’ perspective than critique it.

Romeo Was X, Juliet Was Y

Romeo was 20 while Juliet was 14. Romeo was 17 while Juliet was 13. Romeo was 48822 while Juliet was 9310. Romeo was a T. Rex while Juliet was a raptor. Romeo was a discord mod, Juliet was his kitten.

Romeo the Rapist

Now this is what I call a clown take.

The confidence. The delusion. The initial, rather basic age gap pearl-clutching before the cha-cha slide into an accusation of statutory rape. The mic drop of an deranged edit when OP is called to elaborate. The casualness. “Yeah, R&J is a text filled with the threat of rape and relationship abuse. It was very much so not a good situation. Love me some Shakespeare, but this just isn’t his best. :/”

I don’t know what deranged anti fanfiction OP has been reading lately, but this take beats them all. Stunning. Incredible. Legendary. Unbeatable. Somewhere a small, proud tear is rolling down Khachaturian’s cheek. This is it. He had found it. The perfect setting for his masterpiece. What can possible best this spectacularly unhinged bit of clownery?

…I stand corrected (?)

I don’t know Discord from discord, so this comment is as impregnable to me as the Dead Sea scrolls. I’ll just leave it up for you guys that know Discord more than I do and who will fully appreciate the clownery of this take, if any.

Meanwhile I’ll just be here thinking of a strange RetJ fanfic AU where Romeo makes Juliette his kitten. If you know what I mean.

#romeo and juliet #romeo hate dumb #rj clown takes #r&j clown takes #rj clownery #some days i am starved and others i dine richly #that retj kitten au is disturbingly alluring #reminds of me that cat!tybalt résj fanfic #that one lives rent-free in my mind