#the guarantee that i'm going to feel beaten down & hopeless. repeatedly. indefinitely. until i finally start seeing progress

[werewolf4vampire]

hmm. i think. maybe i can't actually get better

#i'm sure this feeling will pass. it always does #but god there are just so many barriers. so many doctors i need to see. tests to do. exercises that will exhaust and hurt me at first #difficult mental exercises that will cause me emotional anguish at first while i'm bad at them #the guarantee that i'm going to feel beaten down & hopeless. repeatedly. indefinitely. until i finally start seeing progress #until i finally find the right doctors. the right tests. the right treatments. build up my strength. and stamina. #all the while i'm on a ticking clock in regards to my pets and family who are just gonna keep getting older #who fucking knows how long it will take to be Better and i'm fucking running out of time. i need to be better tomorrow #i need to be better yesterday. last year. two‚ three years ago #and ALL of this while i'm trying to figure out what kind of meager amount of income i could potentially make #how do you work while you're completely and utterly broken? how do you pay for those vet bills? new exercise shoes #to help with your pain? (the old ones are a decade old). a new desk chair so you could potentially do work at your desk #new clothes everytime you gain more fucking weight #and then you start to wonder: is all this stress giving you health issues? are you gonna have a bad heart in 5-10 years? #how do i reduce this stress so i can deal with these things better??? how do i reduce stress when it consumes my entire fucking life?? #i am. so tired #darryl speaks