#there is no salvaging an ego that big and hes an academic to boot. completely intolerable.)

[chaos-coming]

My aunt and cousin dont understand why my sister and i are fucked up, bc our parents abused us and did not make decisions based on our wellbeing, only their own. But my aunt was not abused by her parents the way that her brother (our dad) was, so she isnt fucked in the head like our parents are, and so in turn she did not abuse her son (our cousin), and neither of them can comprehend just how badly our parents treated us in comparison to how she raised her family. And it makes it really hard for me to see how my aunt did everything so that my cousin would have good experiences and grow and learn and explore, while our parents did everything to make their own lives easier, and their children were just a nuissance that gave them anxiety and whom they disposed of at the earliest convenience (lock them in the house) or else needed micromanage because they had too much anxiety and no desire to view children as humans instead of housepets who obey orders and produce academic successes they can brag about, and never have needs of their own or want to leave the house. My aunt took my cousin travelling all over the country, we were taken to the house and dropped off like luggage, forbidden to leave or interact with anyone. To say that i'm jealous my cousin had a childhood that didnt come straight out of a shrink's notebook would be a wild underexaggeration. I resent our parents so much for being shit at being parents and my aunt and cousin have zero clue how terrible they were and all they can say is stop being so negative not everything is your parents' fault. Which is super frustrating and invalidating bc its like if YOUR parents had abused you the way my parents did and their parents did, then youd understand just how thoroughly and deeply abusive parents can fuck your life up

#also hes an only child so hes not used to sharing. anything #which becomes really obvious every time we travel together as a family #and also like my aunt will be like stop asking ke every 5 seconds if im ok or mad at you #and the time i accidentally sbapped the handle to her tote bag bc it got stuck in the car door and i didnt realize #then was so so scared to tell her i broke it and apologized profusely for like 5 full minutes #and she was like calm down its not a big deal its a plastic strap #and im like np you dont understand if this was MY mom id get a 20 minute scream-lecture about how i was a bad person for breaking it #and not taking care with her things amd how upsetting it was that the strap was broken and its my fault and now i need to make it up to her #if this had happened when i was a kid i would have been punished and screamed at for at least 30 #min #(not even getting into the fact that my mom is autistic and very very emotionally attached to inanimate objects #and they must be kept in their perfect original condition or she would tell her kids that they are a bad person) #(and also she is so mentally ill and literally made of anxiety that the idea of any permanent alteration to literally anything makes you #a bad person #basically doing anything except being an inanimate object makes you a bad person #and a problem child #and because im therefore a problem child it justifies the abuse #now in all fairness i dragged them to fsmily therapy for a year (well my dad got kicked out halfway for being uncooperative. #there is no salvaging an ego that big and hes an academic to boot. completely intolerable.) #but at least they were forcibly told in session that they were abusive parents and i think they kind of see it #at least reflected in how fucked up their kids are. my sister is literally nonfunctional and so volatie that we #cant be around her for more than a few hours at a time. max. #but my aunt doesnt understand amy of this she thinks its completely unnecessary to do family therapy and that im just trying to blame them #for all my problems. bc she only ever heard their perspectives for 25 years and also never saw how her brother was abused bc she was spared #its like no you dont understand i got shit parents and my upbringing was hell. you did such a wonderful job raising your son tjat #you literally cant comprehend how shitty our childhoods were #you put your son first but our parents put themselves first and if we were miserable nonfunctional and traumatized it wasnt their problem