#theres so much ableism in the nd community towards people they dont deem as capable of complex thought and emotion

[nooks-cranny-mogai]

Im trying to be more chatty on my mogai account without going overboard (cause I know it can be abit irritating if your following someone who says they are a coining blog but then it's 10 to 20 chat posts to every one coining) but I just really wanna talk about one of my experiences as someone who has "severe" autism and is high needs to the point of needing a caretaker in relation to people with more mild/moderate forms and not as high needs and their allism towards us. And this isn't " internalized allism" that's when your allistic towards yourself, being allistic towards other autistic people is just normal fucking allism.

Me, my partner and my bff( he's not on this site so I'm not vaguing any other people) and his bf all took this online test that would essentially label how high your needs were. It was based on a study of over 15,000 people, including some allistic people, so it's not official but it's pretty damn good. The numbers ranged from 0 to 230, 0 being completely allistic and 230 being severe intellectual disability. My gf scored the lowest, makes sense, she's not autistic. Then my bff's bf and then him. My gf barely cracked 70 which is pretty low to no autistic traits, my bff and his bf both ranged around 130-150, mild to moderate autism which checked out. I was 214. Exactly 16 points short of the max which was very very very surprising to me. I knew it was "bad" but not that "bad".

All in this shock, my bff took that opportunity to announce how happy he was that his numbers were low and he wasn't " too far gone". All in a group chat. Infront of me. Someone who wasn't low, had high needs, feels like a burden and an idiot for my brain fog and studdering and nonverbal episodes and loss of common knowledge and having to count on my fingers because sometimes basic math iilludes me. Me who cant maintain eye contacts and rocks on the floor during a meltdown and lost jobs because I look like a brick wall and people not taking my emotions or pain seriously, especially the fact of my chronic dibilating pain. Me, whose been called a r*tard and an " it" and "slow" and is so scared of my own strength or hurting people's feelings if I'm not clear enough or scared people will think I'm not genuine because of my tone or my volume or the fact I don't cry or grieve like they do or empathize. Me who cant live alone and get stereotyped as the scary quiet " special" coworker who you regret befriending because once I find you safe and share my interests, I don't shut up because finally someone saw the humanity in me. Someone whose surrounded on all sides as an example of badness by antivaxxers and pro-autism speaks and anti-trans and so on, whose been told Im too "messed up" to be allowed to have kids, whose been told I'm infected with demons and if I stopped being trans or bi or polyam or started being a Christian, my autism would magically go away.

He might as well told me that I'm too far gone. That I'm an idiot. Because the sad reality is that many autistic people who arnt high needs or "don't have it as bad" or don't have it to the point of tangible consistent intellectual disability look down on people like me. They think that we aren't capable of thoughts or emotions, at least to their capacity. They think that we empty shells of people and our "real" personality was scooped out by our autism. They think we can't talk to them or confront them. They think we cant speak for ourselves. I've seen it. I know it.

There are always gonna be more people with less needs than those like me and they often think they are helping us but you are no better than autism mommies. You think your one of the good low needs autistic people because your not only speaking for yourself and the community as a whole but for those of us who cant speak out. If i see someone whose publicly autistic but not intellectually disabled, my first thought is not " oh, you have an autism pin too! Fren!" It's " let's see if they're gonna talk to me like an adult or like I'm a three year old". It's " are they gonna think I'm embarrassing them if I stim Infront of others near them". It's " are they gonna say some blatantly allistic shit or call me a slur or insult me then punch me in the arm and laugh and say it's ok cause they're autistic too". It's " will they roll their eyes when I studder or lose a word or misspell a basic word or forget things I've told them ".

Cause the reality is, alot of these low needs autistic people are still autistic but you don't see those with higher needs, especially those with MUCH higher needs, as equal people. As people like you who can write a paragraph, who can recite poetry, who can contribute to society and create art and cultural change. You see us as pityable, a charity case, a burden on our caregivers and society. That's if any of you acknowledge us at all. There's nothing wrong with a quiet thank you to your god(s) for not experiencing a severe disability to the extent of others because no one wants more human suffering and we don't want you to experience our disability... Just maybe Don't say it Infront of others who arnt so lucky because I garentee, that severely autistic person can hear you, understand you and resents you for saying that and treating them as less than human.

Ok to reblog but if your not high needs and have an intellectual disability, don't clown. Or do and I'll point and laugh at you.

#clover speaks #this isnt to say low needs to moderate needs autistic people dont suffer #but im sorry #you do not have it as bad as those of us where it is a tride and true intellectual disability #and i really need yall to understand that #theres so much ableism in the nd community towards people they dont deem as capable of complex thought and emotion #i see how some of you look at people with down syndrome or cerebral palesy #you would look at me the same #and that can not be acceptable any longer