#things happen haha (im devistated)

[spade-club]

Reminding myself that I did all of my goals I had for this year. Even if some of them turned out to be mistakes, I've come a long way in the past half a year especially, and even if I am currently struggling with the weight of it all right now, these achievements are nothing to ignore or take value away from.

#anyway considering quitting my new job because I almost died for it already and I cant handle all of the all of it. #I had to call out sick today and I got told off and a manager basically said he thought I was lying because I didnt want to work there. #it felt so bad and I just.... ugh #its just all so overwhelming #like. I'm incredibly sick right now. dealing with a whole cheating scandal going on. Christmas was hard as fuck. this new job is overwhelm #I just... cant handle it all. #plus my old job never gave me my last paycheck so I have to deal with that #and I am trying so hard to get in contact with this new therapist guy but I keep just not having time to set things up. #im overwhelmed. so much. #the one good thing I have going for me is my friends and even then I'm starting to feel like a burden on them for struggling so much #idk! its just a lot! #but hey. I didnt kill myself this year! and instead I have been living a life and thats not nothing #checked *kiss a second person* off my list. yeah they were also kissing many people I didnt know about including their girlfriend but ! yk #things happen haha (im devistated) #and I checked off *get a job* and *leave the state I was living in* and *start driving* #and two of those are still going well! #mostly I mean. I do still kinda hate driving and have almost killed myself on accident twice #but really the point is im trying lots of new things and figuring out what works and what doesnt! #im not just living but im alive and thats all that needs to matter #the pain of all of this is the proof im alive and I can still feel. I just am convincing myself thats a good thing

[bvdblog-blog]

life and death. such strange concepts that everyone takes so seriously. and rightfully so. i think about death alot. and not in a way where i want it to happen to me or anybody around me anytime soon. at all. i can positively say im not suicidal. but death is such an interesting topic to me. for so many different reasons.

first of all, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS WHEN YOU DIE???? ive literally wondered this for a good majority of time now. i guess it boils down to what someone believes. some say u go to heaven if youve “asked for forgiveness.” others say you go to another life of come back an animal others say nothing. lik its such a fuckin trip honestly. WHO. REALLY KNOWS. its not lik someone can come back from the dead and explain what theyve been up to since they died. idk why it fascinates me so much but it does. lik the moment u stop exsisting do u know uve stopped esixting? is it just white? black? lik god damn its intense to think about. 

i think as much as it fascinates me i struggle with it too. my whole life ive been told theres a god, heaven, and afterlife in heaven if you live ur life right ask for foregiveness and do all the right things give or take. so i always thought that. but now as im older im not religious anymore. i dont agree with half the shit in the bible and i hate church people. christians. granted there are definitely christians who have been nothing but nice to me but overall im not a fan. others do as they please but at the moment im not into it. so im stuck in this spot where i dont know what i believe overall including life after death. and it scares me. 

part of it is laziness. i dont wanna have to read on things n decide what i believe. but at the same time i wanna know what happens when i die. its weird as fuck and if i think about it too much i get so much anxiety. i know alot of it is cuz i feel bad tht im not following my parents choice of christianity. i definietly make my own decisions but i feel bad for dissapointing them. the thing is i believe in god i think. thats for sure. i do think there is a set path for everyone but tht they have to work at it. but lik beyond tht idk. i talk to a god yes n i ask advice n shit but i dont go to church and i dont want to. tht doesnt maek me bad right? sometimes i wonder if following a certain religion or belief system would make me happier in life? idk. im too lazy to figure it out thooooo thats for sure. and maybe thts where i fall flat. idk.

back to the death thing. i was watching a show a couple weeks ago called captive. where people tell their stories of being held captive for ransom. and the reinactments would show people begging for their life which is obviously how everyone acts in near death situations like that. it just got me thinking. (this about to sound pretentious, suicidal, and weird all in one. i promise its none of those. just thoughts i have while driving sometimes) 

someone begs for their life why? obviously i know why. cuz they wanna live their lives beyond that point. duh. but lik really think about it. if someone dies, their death doesnt effect them. other than the obvious dying part. lik it effects their family and friends around them more. tht just trips me out soooo much. is that why people beg for their lives so much? for the others around them? or for their own living?

i guess its different for someone who has kids or a huge successfull business or thriving life. not that i dont have a thriving life but someone who has kids has more to live for than i do in a sense. they dont want to abandon their kids and leave them. i obviously too dont want to abandon my parents siter or friends but its different. it makes me wonder if ill see death differently when i have kids? overall would tht change my opinion and outlook on life? idk. i hope so sometimes. 

theres also a weird thing about grandparent death. my grandparents died only a year ago n it still drives me in circles. i was sad. devistated as fuck. still am. i think about them all the time. but its also weird because lik grandparents are old and are headed towards death every day right?  i mean i guess we all are which is morbid as fuck but yeah. 

idk i worry about my empathy sometimes, this girl posted on fb tht her grandpa died n she was broken, and i felt bad for her but at the same time i as lik ok he was old it was bound to happen. but lik WTF!? my grandparents died a year ago n  instead of relating to her i went back to the same old them being old thing. why do i do that? does it have to do with my weird fascination with after death? idk.

dont get me wrong. i would do anything to have my grandparents back this second. but old age and death is strange. i also think i am somewhat jaded to old age and death because i work as a care giver for old people daily and i see the sadness of peoples mind and bodies giving up on them al the time. my one client is 105 and just sits there al day. having this kind of exposure almost makes me not want to live to be older than 80. idk

i also have to remind myself besides my grandparents and aunt, ive never lost someone close to me. i look at my mom who lost her parents and struggles every fucking day. ive not been in that place where someone ive known my actual entire life and spent almost every day with isnt here anymore. so i think tht clouds my thinking as well. but tht situation scares the shit out of me more than anything. my mom or dad being here one day and then not. cnat go there cuz it gives me anxiety. 

of course this was all over the place with no organization. what ya gonna do haha

just to say again, im nowhere near suicidal. at all. weird things just fascinate me. i could never say these things out loud. but im glad i could write it here. 

[kyraagonzales]

One man

Crying, but it’s silent; nobody to talk to.. nobody to trust.. I mean who can you trust? Everyone you let in, let’s you down. Everyone you let past your guard, always fails you. 19 years of getting let down day after day by one man. Finally you dismiss it, you let go of it; knowing he won’t care. He won’t come back, if it’s been this long he’s not coming back.

You give another man another shot, someone you’ve been admiring for a couple years..You tell him it takes a lot to build you’re trust. You know this because if someone who conceived you doesn’t want you, who will? You try. He does it, he earns it. he wakes up one day five months down the road and texts you first thing in the morning and it reads:

“hey”

every morning for the past five months you’ve woken up to:

“good morning beautiful the sun is shining bright, just like your smile”

but this morning wasn’t the same, you blow it off maybe he’s running late, knowing he’s not.. the next text is:

“i don’t want to be with you anymore, and no i don’t have a reason I just don’t”

once again, someone who broke down the barrier and once again destroyed it..

You once again, give another man a shot. But you don’t even deserve to be called a man. You’re a boy. You still have so much to learn.. This time you’re cautious, You chose your bestfriend. you know the signs and you know not to let your guard down..

You know your bestfriend, I mean it’s your bestfriend.. You go for it.. Time flies, you’re so in love. You do anything and everything for him. 3 years down the road, you find out the most tragic news..

“he told me he slept with her, but that’s just what he told me” -his bestfriend

“did you cheat on me with her or not”

“no baby, i promised you i would never do that to you”

“don’t lie if you did, maybe we can work through it but if you’re lying while i’m giving you a chance to tell me and you don’t, things won’t be good”

“i didn’t”

“promise”

“yes”

“no say ‘i promise’”

“i said i didn’t, isn’t that enough?”

“no, tell me you promise”

“i think we need to talk..”

we meet, we talk.. he tries to come up with excuses like “i’m going to college and you’re in high school”

bullshit, you knew this when we got into this 3 years ago.. why are you trying to back out now? You did it didn’t you?

You know deep down he did. You tried so hard to trust he didn’t, but your gut told you he did. Your heart doesn’t want to believe it.

*Text to ‘accused girl’*

“so how was he?”

“omg, IM SO SORRY! I wanted to tell you but he told me if i did shit would be bad, I’m truely sorry”

“give me every detail down to the day”

“OK”

you scream.

You break down.

You can’t take this.

you never knew you could hurt this bad, but you don’t even know if you’ll get up..

Your scream is heard across the house by your mom, Your mom rushes in to find you on your bedroom floor covered in tears hardly breathing. She finds you looking so helpless and devistated. Crying so hard you can’t breathe, You gasp for air wondering if there is any left to grasp onto because you’re entire life is falling apart.

“I gave you everything and all I ever asked for in return was love and appreciation. Was it worth it? Was she worth this?”

“yes. I stopped caring about a year ago, i kept it from you for a year, that’s an accomplishment in my book, haha”

You fall apart once again, you don’t know if you get in the bath, if you’ll make it out, you don’t know if life could possibly get worse. I mean the man you loved for three years betrayed you for a one night stand..

You go to a party, the usual, it’s been like this for 2 months now.. Every day, every night, day in, day out. This is the new normal.. You barely remember what day it is, you definitely don’t remember what happened last weekend because you were too busy drowning yourself in the alcohol to care.. But this party.. This party is different..

At this party you hear his name. The name you used to live for, the one you adored dearly, the one name you thought you’d never get tired of hearing.. But now when you hear it, it send chills down your spine, your stomach cramps, and you feel you’re body go numb. When they mention his name you ask “what” and they reply with:

“oh yeah he just pulled up”

you look at the cup with at least 4 shots of crown royal that you’d just passed up, and you grab it out of someone’s hand and chug. You chug until every dribble is gone.

3 months pass by, you don’t see, talk, hear, or taste the one person you’ve gave everything to for the past 3 years.. Life’s strange, someone you couldn’t go a day without, you’ve gone 3 months without. Sure you think about them everyday, you smell them at random times..

But you’re functioning.

You’re okay.

He walks in the door, by now you’re ride has left you, but that’s okay because you know the house owner and can stay the night. But you don’t.

The second you lay you’re eyes on him, you’re drunk. You text him from across the room while staring at him

“can you take me home when you leave? I’m drunk”

he looks down at his phone, sees your name, looks you dead in the eyes and give you this look. This look he always gave you, the one he knew you adored. He simply knew because everytime he did it, you would say you loved it..

“yes”

a couple weeks pass, you’ve been talking since he took you home from the party, god you’re so in love with him, how do you give up 3 years..

5 months later you find yourself wrapped in his arms once again. It’s been 5 months and you haven’t stopped talking. It’s normal. He’s normal. He loves you. You find him at your house dancing in the kitchen with you to you’re favorite song. Everything is back to normal. You’ve worked out the kinks, you’ve talked about it all. You forgave, simply because you fight for what you love..

that’s him.

4 months more go by, things are getting rough again. you decide to save yourself the heartbreak and end it. You see the difference in him you saw the first time, so you leave.

A week passes by, by now you’ve turned all his notifications off, deleted his number, he’s gone. You receive a twitter DM that reads:

“don’t ignore me” from him..

“i didn’t. what?”

“i texted you, i need you”

you go to your text and under ‘unknown senders’ it reads ‘1’

(208)409-20** that reads “hey i need you”

you’ve memorized this number because after three years you think it’s forever.. but you soon realize it’s not.

“why do you NEED me, in at my friends and i can’t drive”

“my dad had SWAT at our house, you’re the only one who knows me well enough, i need someone to talk to”

“OK. if you come get me I will talk. ONLY TALK. then you will take me home”

“okay”

“here”

you walk up to his car like you own it. it’s home. You’ve known it for so long.. that night he talks and talks.. He tells you all his family problems.. He tells you

“I love you”

you look at him, you look down, and you break. You start to cry uncontrollably again..

“are you okay”

you turn and look at him and say “do I LOOK okay?”

“what wrong”

at this point you finally break.

“YOU. YOU ARE WHATS WRONG. what did I do to you that was so horrible you had to sleep with MY FRIEND?? I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING. What did I do to deserve this?? THATS ALL I WANT TO KNOW”

“nothing, you didn’t do anything, I was angry, I wasn’t thinking at the time. You were wonderful, better yet, you were perfect. Too good”

“t-then why? “

“truely i don’t have an answer, i love you”

“you don’t hurt people you love, and i’m destroyed”

you get out of the vehicle, you don’t say anything else, you walk into your house and you never turn back to see him drive off. you don’t reply when he texts you

“home”

because at this point you have given up. You know your worth. You’ve done it. You’ve beaten him.

But did you? Or did he still win??

He broke you down to the point you lost 10 pounds sleeping due to stress, you found yourself crying every night, you now have severe anxiety and depression. He broke you to a point, you can’t trust another man. Someone you spent 4 years with has beaten you down mentally to the size of a pea.

it’s been a year since you’ve seen a man. Since you’ve touched a man. Since you have found happiness in a man..

To this day, you don’t find yourself looking at someone who broke you to so little, you find yourself trying to gather the pieces. Trying to find out what’s so wrong with you a man can’t love you.

I don’t wish the worst for you, because my heart is better than that, I just hope one day you can feel my pain.. I wish you nothing but the best in your future relationships but the one thing I want you to feel, is how i felt after 3 years..

One man can destroy you’re outlook on love, and that man.. that man is you...