#this is the kind of neuroticism that straddles the line between quirky and unpleasent

[youraveragemushroom]

‘….’

#i dont think im made for love because i fall into devotion too quick #it becomes worship i exalt before i fall or whatever and i set myself up for failure every time #self fulfilling prophecy and all that the usual #but i cant bare to actually imagine love in a reciprocal way #i feel like thats why i find myself ending up heartbroken by the best people #because they are the best and i have to ruin it bc i cant stand to let myself be happy #or more than that i cant imagine fathom believe whatever that someone could actually want me #and i get it im in the same boat buddy #and tbh idk if i even want someone to like me rn or if im just starved for attention #bc ik i cant offer anything real or substantion rn probably ever #thats the thing about devotion right i was born into some beliefs i cant shake #and nobody deserves to be second on someones list only beaten by the most contentious relationships i have #number 1 will always be whoever makes me cry the most ive come to realise #i spent a minute contemplating using the american vs british spelling of realize #this is the kind of neuroticism that straddles the line between quirky and unpleasent #unfortunately i dont have the pretty privilege to get away with being a great value manic pixie dream girl #which whatever i feel like im too anxious and self aware to be that carefree #but that doesnt mean i dont want the noise to fade to a gentle static #the last time it was quiet in my head it was when i could see a veritable sea of stars #next year i might spend the day in the woods or a field far out on the other side of texas #ill find the right time to see the right stars ill try to come back to see the ones i saw before #the universe collapsing in on itself thats what it feels like to be alive #but when i look up and i see the twinkling lights it settles the restless creature within me #stops it from clawing at the walls of my heart #it nestles in the thicket of my aortas and ventricles #it settles and finds temporary solace looking up at the stars with me #the stardust in my veins the one i share with every living creature a byproduct of being a child of the universe #it sings a song to us matching amplification but in antiphase to leave us in silence #well i wouldnt call it silence because thats the vaccuum of space #maybe its serenity maybe we find equilibrium in contextualization