#this was technically written by me and marty for blupjeans week but. it feels like it's maybe too late to tag that now

[sgrumby]

(written by me and @mmmarty!)

“Mhm, and you’ve been using this… spellbook… for how long?”

“A few weeks,” Lup answers, scowling at it. “We’re not summoning shit, though, I don’t know -”

“We think we’re translating some of the Infernal wrong,” Barry elaborates. “I took some in college -”

“You dropped the class as soon as the hot TA graduated,” Kravitz reminds him, “and you were hungover half the time you did show up.”

“And Lup did it on Fantasy Duolingo for a few hours before we started!” He quickly insists, and Kravitz just shakes his head. 

“Well, yeah, mhm,” he says, holding the black leatherbound tome up and pointing to a passage. “So, when it said brown one and a half pounds of mince in a non-stick pan -”

“Yeah, like, a sacrifice for the demon,” Lup says. “The lasagna. We weren’t really sure of the spiritual meaning, but we made it perfectly, I even got Taako to help us out.”

“What about the flowers?” Kravitz indicates a vase with an assorted bouquet in. It’s very pretty and clearly expensive.

“Yeah, well, jump to page two-twelve,” Barry says, adjusting his glasses to peer over Kravitz’s shoulder. “Look, there. Flowers. We thought we needed to grind the petals for spell components or something.”

“Right, and the candles -”

“Ritual candles,” Lup explains. “They’re tallow. No self-respecting demon’s gonna show up for, like, beeswax.”

“That would make sense, for sure,” Kravitz nods. “And… all this?” He gestures to the rose petals arranged in a circle around the couch, and the bottle of massage oil on the coffee table.

“A summoning sigil, obvi,” Lup huffs like he’s an absolute dipshit, and Barry nods. 

“Preparing the willing vessel for possession.” 

“Yeah, yeah for sure. So, just to recap, you two cooked dinner -”

“Well, I did most of the cooking,” Lup says. 

“Yeah, I was setting stuff up.” 

“Oh, sorry, Lup, you cooked Barry dinner, and Barry, you brought Lup home flowers and were gonna rub her down on the couch after, to summon a demon?” 

He looks at them expectantly, waiting for something, anything, to click, and they just stare back like the two world’s most earnest deer in headlights.

“Yeah!” They nod in unison. 

“Okay.” Kravitz sets down the book, steeples his fingers as he bows his head to his hands, and takes a deep breath. 

“Okay. So you both suck at infernal.” 

“Well, suck is a strong -”

“No, you both suck shit, because I actually showed up to class, Barry -” 

Barry blushes.

“And this isn’t titled— wait, what was it you two said?” 

“Demons and Resurrection,” Lup supplies, and Barry nods, still red.

“Yeah, it’s not Demons and Resurrection, it’s Dating and Relationships.” 

“It’s -” Barry stutters, flushing even deeper, and Lup frowns. 

“So it’s a… demon dating guide? What to do when your lover has scales, kind of thing?” She asks, and Kravitz makes and so- so gesture with his hand.

“Well, part dating, part… you’ve heard of the karma sutra, right?”

Now it’s Lup’s turn to go red. “Well, that does explain the diagrams at the end,” she offers, and Barry aims for a professional nod. 

Kravitz flips quickly to the end of the book, where he’s treated to graphic illustrations of a couple intertwined, with various notes of how to contort oneself. 

“I - wait, were you two really planning to -”

“For science!” Lup interrupts, steadily growing redder. 

“Well, I don’t have other plans tonight,” Barry says, “and the lasagna does smell incredible.” 

“It’d be a shame to let it go to waste. You know, scientifically speaking.” 

“For science,” Barry nods, face the picture of utmost professionalism. 

Kravitz doesn’t have the heart to tell them that that’s not what “for science” actually means, but he gets the feeling they already know. Lup is pouring Barry wine while he makes a little pile of salad on her plate, so Kravitz just sighs, grabs his book, and heads for the door. 

Taako isn’t gonna believe they didn’t get the hint this time.

#this was technically written by me and marty for blupjeans week but. it feels like it's maybe too late to tag that now #the adventure zone #blupjeans #writing