#to select five ive got strong happy memories with:

[alexiarexia-blog]

04.13.2019

Please be aware that I will not be responding to any messages, asks, or replies at this time, or for the foreseeable future. Please respect our privacy and need to grieve. Thank you.

This is not an easy post. Our journey does not have a happy ending.

At 2:08PM on Saturday, April 13, 2019, our beautiful Camryn Rose made a very early debut into the world. She died in my arms at 2:13PM without ever taking a single breath.

Camryn Rose was born a full 21 weeks early. They don’t even call it a live birth at that point. Even though her heart was still beating until they cut the cord, it’s considered a second trimester miscarriage.

Regardless of what they call it, I call it heartbreak. I call it impossible.

I call it agony.

Camryn Rose. She was a girl. I don’t think I had even publicly announced that yet on Tumblr. Only a select few knew that detail. Only a select few knew I was experiencing complications. To those few, I am eternally grateful for your positivity and being there when I needed you. Especially @randomgirlusername. You were definitely my virtual rock when I needed to be completely honest with where my head was as we were playing that torturous waiting game, and in the weeks since.

To others, I need to tell my story. I know I don’t owe it to anyone, and I have a right to keep it private, but writing it out has been cathartic, and I want you all who have been so supportive and encouraging to know.

So, here’s my story.

WARNING: This story contains frank, graphic descriptions of a second trimester miscarriage. I can’t sugarcoat any of the details. If you’re at all squeamish, this may be hard for you to read. Proceed at your own risk.

On Thursday (April 11), I stayed home from work because I was feeling a bit off. But I’d been having trouble sleeping because of my asthma and allergies (both made worse by the pregnancy), so I figured I just needed a day or two to rest and catch up on my sleep. The morning was pretty smooth, just some mild discomfort that wasn’t usual for me. Mostly lower back pain that I typically attribute to the weight of my chest. I’ve felt that pain since my teenage years, so it wasn’t unusual.

Claire was still home. She’d cancelled her late morning office hours, but was still planning on heading to work for her two afternoon classes. We’d planned on ordering Chinese food for lunch and watching Lost Girl on Netflix.

Around noon, I began feeling a bit worse. My lower back pain had morphed into what felt very similar to bad period cramps. When I went to pee, there was spotting. Spotting during pregnancy isn’t unusual, but combined with the lower abdominal cramps that were continuing to worsen, we made the decision to call my OB and see about getting a same-day appointment to get everything checked out. The receptionist told us to hold for a moment, then she was back on the line in two minutes and told us to go straight to the emergency room as quick as we could. Claire drove like a mad woman and got us there in under fifteen minutes.

I was admitted fairly quickly and they did a pelvic exam where it was discovered that my cervix was extremely short. An incompetent cervix is the technical term. A normal cervix length at 17.5 weeks is about 3.5cm, but it can vary for each pregnancy. Anything less than 2.2cm is considered in the danger zone. My cervix was 1.1cm upon admittance. Essentially, my body was preparing for labor. I was only 17 weeks and 4 days. The earliest viability for a fetus is 22 weeks, and survival rates at that point are still incredibly low. There was zero chance she’d make it if they didn’t stop it.

I was given IV medication to try and stop active labor, but it didn’t work and by the following morning, my cervix was 0.8cm long. The next step was a cervical cerclage, which is a procedure where they literally sew your cervix shut with a thick suture. It sounds painful because it is. I was given an epidural to numb me, but when that wore off, I was in so much pain that I passed out from it a few times. I could only receive so much pain medication to help because of the baby. But it was worth it, all the pain and agony was worth it, to save our baby.

But it didn’t work. I developed a pretty nasty infection quickly (expected with this procedure) and it was being resistant to antibiotics. And then, at just past noon on April 13, 2019, my body gave up and my water broke. The force of it ripped the stitch from my cervix, and it felt like a red hot poker was being pushed out of my vagina. I’ve never felt anything more painful in my entire life. Physically, at least. What happened next was easily the single most painful experience, physical or emotional, I’ve ever had to endure.

There was nothing more to do to stop my body from labor. They gave me another epidural to numb me, then they delivered sweet little Camryn Rose. She was so tiny; I didn’t even have to push. She was already crowning. She weighed just over 6.5 ounces and was only 5.4 inches long. I held her as I cried. As Claire cried with me.

In all the years I’ve known Claire, I’ve only seen her cry from sadness two other times. Once was when her mother died last summer, the other when the grad student she was mentoring died in a horrific car accident several years ago. It seems death is the common denominator here. Claire is a solitary crier. I know she’s had more moments than I’ve been privy to than just what I’ve seen. It’s not that she doesn’t want me to see her break down. Or, well, that’s exactly what it is, actually. She’s stoic and a protector. She feels the need to be my rock, so she has to always be strong.

But she was crying freely as she held me the entire time, uncaring that all the medical personnel could see her. That my mom could see her. (My mother had flown out as soon as I’d been admitted to the hospital the day before.) She didn’t care, and for that I am grateful. I needed her to be vulnerable in that moment, just as she needed herself to be vulnerable.

My heart hurts for the loss of our baby, but it hurts even more for the pain it causes my incredible wife. She’s been through so much and I just don’t understand how she can keep going after all of it. But she does, and for that I am so utterly grateful and in complete awe.

Camryn Rose. We decided on the name as I held her. “We should pick a name.” Claire spoke those words as she brushed a finger across our daughter’s paper-thin cheek. We’d discussed a few names, but Camryn really stuck out in that moment. She felt like a Camryn. And Rose in honor of Mama Rocío, Claire’s mother’s, memory.

After we said our goodbyes, I had to be taken to the OR for a cervical repair. It’s as nasty as it sounds. They stitched my cervix back into place, but only after they had to perform a D&C (where they remove the placenta). I was thankfully still numb from the epidural, but after that wore off, it was more pain.

The physical pain, as bad as it was, was nothing compared to the emotional pain I felt. The emotional pain I still feel, and will for a long, long time.

I can’t become pregnant again. There was too much damage to my cervix. I’d never be able to carry a baby to term, no matter how much precaution was taken. That’s something I have to make peace with, but that’s also going to take a long, long time.

The mental trauma of this miscarriage has left me raw and sensitive. The smallest thing can set me off into a sobbing mess. The thing that gets me most right now? Mirrors. Yes, mirrors. Or photographs of myself. Because, even 3+ weeks later, I still look pregnant. The body doesn’t magically morph back to its pre-pregnancy state after miscarriage. I still have the rounded belly (not quite as much now, but still there) and puffy cheeks. That will take a while to go away. So for now, mirrors/pictures of myself are the sworn enemy.

Claire is incredible. She’s grieving as much as I am, yet she’s been my rock this entire time. Her and my mother. And my dog. Sasha the GSD has not left my side since I returned home from the hospital. Dogs are incredible, and we don’t deserve them.

Therapy has been a godsend. I’m nowhere near okay or ‘back to normal,’ but I can function day-to-day, and that’s a huge improvement for me compared to two weeks ago. It seems like it’s been so much longer than just over two weeks. It seems like it’s been a lifetime. Getting through the next days, weeks, months, years… seems impossible at times.

My saving grace is my support system. In particular, five people. Claire, my mom, Sarah, my therapist, and @randomgirlusername (seriously, y’all, if you didn’t know how incredible she is, take my word for it--she’s been a literal life-saver and I cannot thank her enough). I have my bad days and I have my good days. All days are emotionally trying, but some are less painful than others. Those good days are all because of this support system that I have.

And on the bad days, my support system knows exactly how to help me cope. And for them, I’m eternally grateful. I don’t know where I’d be, mentally, without them.

I’m okay. Or, I will be, at least. Even though this is the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, I have the support system to get through it. And because of that, I know I’ll be okay. I know there will be hard days and not-so-hard days. I know it won’t be all rainbows and sunshine, but it also won’t be all stormy weather. I remind myself in those bad times that it won’t remain like this. I will feel joy and happiness again.

It will just take time to heal, physically and emotionally.

#personal #update #Camryn Rose #tw: miscarriage

[agirlinhell]

💭

Send 💭 for five or more headcanons between our muses. | ALWAYS ACCEPTING!

I. They kiss long and hard before they separate, knowing that it could be the last time they could see each other. They could die at any moment in time, so they love each other as if it’s their last day in this world together.

II. Louis knows all the places where she’s ticklish, and having a significant difference in height certainly helps his advantage. He often sneaks up behind her and tickles her sensitive sides and the poor boy almost got punched on accident several times.

III. Every date they ever have post-The Final Season, Clementine always makes sure to make herself look pretty - even though in Louis’ eyes she would always be beautiful. She applies lipstick, nailpolish, perfume and a flower in her hair, things she’s collected from the endless rooms with art supplies and the greenhouse. On many dates, Louis teaches her how to play the piano, and he’s really gentle with her. In truth, Clementine doesn’t truly care what they do on a date - as long as they’re together and they’re having a good time, she’s as happy as can be.

IV. Clementine learns flower language from books from the Victorian era and often gives him messages via flowers with their own respective meanings. Louis finds this very heartwarming and tries to keep the flowers alive for as long as he can.

V. Their next round of batting practice ended up Clementine swiping a walker’s head clean off with a ruthless swing of Chairles. Louis was gaping the entire time afterward.

VI. After the events of The Final Season, Clementine becomes a pagan witch and a beginner in witchcraft, and as a result, she begins performing love and happiness spells in the hopes that they get to live a long and happy life together. So far, it’s been working quite well.

VII. Louis proposes to Clementine on her nineteenth birthday and they wed shortly afterward on Halloween. In a world as cruel and chaotic as this one, they’d have to make their memories last. Their wedding wasn’t anything too extravagant, but at the time, Louis had made secret arrangements with a company from The Commonwealth to give them the things required for the ceremony.

VIII. Late at night, when neither of them can’t sleep, they talk about things that have hurt them in the past, things that confuse them, their deepest fears amongst many other deep topics while they’re vulnerable with each other. Afterward, they watch the stars together and return to the school by sunrise. Louis first kissed her underneath the stars.

IX. In concern for AJ’s mental health, they often check up on him and make sure that he’s doing alright especially after the events of The Final Season. They truly do always try to be there for him in any way they can.

X. In the winter that followed The Final Season, Clementine made a fur cloak for him made of the pelts of bears, wolves and seals so that he could wear it over his own jacket. Louis has been grateful to her ever since as he’s never been the greatest fan of winter. On bright days, they often made snowmen together and slid down snowy hills before engaging in snowball fights and eventually settling down with some hot chocolate. Clem often steals his jacket as it’s really warm and it smells like him, but she always makes sure to bring it back to him.

XI. Clementine comforted Louis when he was paying respects to Marlon’s grave. The poor boy began crying in the middle of saying his goodbyes and even though he’d tried to hide his tears from her, she held him closely and comforted him throughout the whole thing.

XII. Louis comforts Clementine whenever she has nightmares. After he soothes her, he plays with her hair and coaxes her to sleep, which makes her fall for him so much harder.

XIII. They have a daughter together named Aaliyah; Clementine gives birth to her at age twenty-one. She truly is the light of their lives and she’s growing fast and strong with each passing day.

XIV. Louis and Clementine once performed in a Les Miserables play for the school as Marius and Cosette respectively and they absolutely killed the A Heart Full Of Love scene. The crowd stood and gave a round of applause because of just how breathtaking it was.

XV. Before they began dating, Louis made sure to call Clementine at exactly 12AM to wish her a happy birthday without fail every single year. He literally records himself singing the Happy Birthday song while playing his Super Fun Times Friends Song while he’s at it. It makes Clementine blush and think of how much of a cutie and a dork Louis really is.

XVI. Louis was infatuated and mesmerized with the new girl in town who’d just arrived at the school from another state. Marlon still remembers the day Louis first saw Clementine, when she was walking past them with a group of giggling girls she’d befriended - Violet, Minerva, Sophie, Ruby and Brody. Marlon, Mitch, Louis and the rest of the group on the football team had been in an avid conversation on who was going to win the next match when they noted Louis staring at the new girl. Marlon kept waving his hand in front of him and calling “Earth to Louis!” and then Mitch teased him with, “He’s hooked, boys.” They first met in a theatre class and he serenaded her with the classic “Oh My Darling Clementine” just as in canon, and she giggled at him, thinking he was such a sweetheart. Unfortunately for poor Louis, he finds out that he wasn’t her only admirer, much to his dismay. Several of the boys - and even some of the girls - in their class took quite a liking to Clementine not only for her appearance but her kind heart and free-willed spirit.

XVII. When Louis finds out that Clementine’s been “dating” James in the middle of the first year, the poor boy was sulking in misery for about a week or two. This changes when Violet tells him that James is actually gay and had a boyfriend in Charlie and that Clementine being his girlfriend was only an act to appease his strict, traditional relatives. Louis was over the moon at hearing the revelation but unfortunately there were still quite a few individuals who sought her affections.

XVIII. When Clementine first meets Louis’ parents, she has never before seen his house (more like a mansion) and is absolutely astonished and blown away by the sheer size of it. She takes pictures of it and posts it on Instagram and sends it to her friends in private messaging while driving with a bunch of “WTF” gifs and emojis. She meets Louis at his doorstep before she’s intercepted by his personal guards and Louis politely shoos them away. Clem had no idea that he was this rich even though they’d been dating for half a year at the time. At the same time, it makes her appreciate and love him all the more as he never boasts about his wealth and kept himself humble. Later, at dinner, his parents are relieved and are taken with surprise at Louis’ girlfriend, after having previously been worried about his choice in a partner - she was a kind, polite and beautiful young girl with good grades and parents with well paying jobs. 

XIX. When Louis meets Clementine’s parents for the first time, Diana is absolutely amazed at just how kind and charismatic he is and is delighted that her daughter selected a fine young man for a partner. Edmund, however, was slightly more wary of him, as he didn’t want his only daughter to be heartbroken by such a promising partner, yet he treated him with courtesy nonetheless. Louis really likes Clementine’s home as it’s small - or at least in comparison to his home - and cozy.

XX. Clementine and Louis stayed up in her treehouse one time on one numerous occasions when he visited her house. It was pretty small but it was cute and humble, filled to the brim with drawings Clementine’s vivid imagination from her childhood.

XXI. When the school’s talent show at the end of the year came to pass, Louis was cheering Clementine on when she and a group of other girls were dancing from the crowd. He was one of her loudest supporters.

XXII. Modern Clementine is a fulltime College student at Ericson’s and works as a singer at The New Frontier bar in West Virginia and babysitting CJ, AJ, Tenn and Willy when their parents are away on the side. She sometimes brings Louis along to work as a pianist. They’re quite the musical duo. Her voice is noted to be dreamy and calming. Despite being dressed up in sequins and glitter, Clem has a dreamy appearance on stage with a soulful voice and spirit that is far older than her, twirling and dancing without a care in the world, even tossing her heels off when it becomes too painful to stand in them. She picks people out to sing duet parts with her from women to men. She ties a single flower onto her microphone every night and as she twirls, it’s like watching crystal suncatchers in the window. Louis thought she looked like a painting come to life when seeing her perform for the first time. Violet remembers how her friend was staring at Clementine for too long and began playing off-key for a few seconds before focusing again. That’s why she is so beloved, not for her allure and beauty but the charm she has just like a siren.

XXIII. Louis was the one that inspired Clementine to love her natural hair. She used to hate her hair, despising how it was always messy but since Louis - and her friends - loved it so much, she began experimenting with her hair and began liking it as her hair was a symbol of her African heritage. It’s uncommon, but not rare, to see her with her hair let loose. Her hair length when loose reaches down to her shoulders and further down. She is a lot more varied in her hairstyles, choosing several traditional African hairstyles such as box braids and cornrows, but she also straightens her hair on occasions, and she does a bunch of hairstyles with it. She dyes it several times - black, blonde, blue, red, pink, purple, orange, turquoise, silver and nebula colored. And Louis loves every style she does.

XXIV. Louis teaches Clementine the French language and culture. She was a bit messy at first but at the moment she’s an intermediate. She’s a quick study; Louis was definitely impressed.

XXV. They’re promoted as Prom King and Prom Queen together after the class’ graduation ceremony at prom. The party was held at Louis’ house (more like a mansion in truth) and it was… quite the party. Louis had been a fan of Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and had wanted to replicate the feeling of Jay Gatsby’s feeling and he managed to pull it off after managing to convince Louis’ parents and the Garcia siblings who’d been their classmates to convince their famous uncle for support.

XXVI. On late nights, they spam each other with memes and cheesy pickup lines. They make contests on who sent the funniest memes. It’s… quite something.

XXVII. Clementine and Louis make a very amusing pair when playing videogames together. Clementine was wheezing by the end of a Mario Kart match because of how many amusing jokes and meme references he was telling her at the top of his lungs.

XXVIII. When watching an episode of Planet Earth one night, Clementine compares a bird of paradise and his mating call and mating dance to Louis and his reaction is utterly priceless. When Clem returns from getting more snacks, Louis mocks the bird of paradise and does a mating dance just for her and for the life of her, she couldn’t stop laughing and crying.

XXIX. A few months after they begin dating, they have their own vlogging channel on Youtube and they’re quite popular. They both have their own separate channels but they often collaborate on their own channel. They post memes, Vines (before the site tragically shut down, R.I.P Vine), covers of songs and dances that they perform among many other things. Some of their most popular videos are a cover of All I’ve Ever Needed by Paul MacDonald and Nikki Reed, a cover of “lovely” by Billie Eilish and Khalid and Louis and Clementine doing the Ice Bucket Challenge, and the pair playing Hide and Seek in Louis’ mansion and doing a vlog series of their end of their year long roadtrip with their entire class after the graduation party.

XXX. Louis often serenades her with song covers on special occasions and posts them on Youtube. There are far too many to mention herein but a few examples are “I Won’t Let You Go (Darling)” by Hedley, “Just The Way You Are” by Bruno Mars and “Make You Feel My Love” by Sleeping At Last. In turn, Clementine posts her reaction and on most occasions she tears up because of just how much she loves him.

XXXI. Clementine wholeheartedly supports Louis’ decision to become a singer despite his parents’ wishes. She’s actually quite the inspiration for many of the songs and the poems that he writes and he makes sure to let her read them even before they began dating, in thanks for her kindness and for all the times she showed him her poetry and drawings in her notebooks that she was too shy to reveal to anyone else.

XXXII. Louis and Clementine dressed up as a Voodoo King and Voodoo Queen respectively at a Halloween party held at his mansion. James often steals them away as guinea pigs for his experiments as a makeup artist in the making and James supplied them with the makeup. They looked absolutely glorious.

XXXIII. Louis and Clem get matching tattoos on the right arm with the following: “You move me like music.” in elegant cursive writing with musical notes all over it. Louis had to hold her hand the entire time because she was concerned about the pain.

XXXIV. Louis is genuinely surprised of just how cheesy Clementine is when it comes to romantic dates, but he’s definitely not complaining. They enjoy candle lit dinners at fancy restaurants, making sweets, stargazing on the rooftops with blankets wrapped around them, taking walks along the beach, winning a stuffed animal for each other the local carnival, and writing poetry and love letters for each other while they’re away.

XXXV. They made their own playlist on Spotify a few months after they began dating. On many nights they’re snuggled up somewhere with one earbud in Clem’s ear and the other in Louis’ as they listen to their playlist.

XXXVI. They’re quite the fashionable duo, and Clementine is a fashionista in her own right especially while dating Louis. Yet no matter what she wears, Louis still loves her for who she truly is and vice versa. Sometimes they’d walk into a room and Louis would announce their arrival like a herald presenting their sovereign. It’s golden.

XXXVII. Every summer, they go surfing on the beach and they make sure to invite their friends and AJ often. AJ’s a big fan of Louis and he gets ecstatic every time he sees him and gets really sad whenever he has to leave.

XXXVIII. They got engaged and married in their early twenties. Louis’ best man was Marlon and his attendants were Aasim, James and Mitch. Clementine’s maid of honor would be Sarah and her bridesmaids would be Ruby, Brody, Mariana, Minerva, Sophie and Violet. She carried a bouquet of roses and wore butterflies and flowers in her hair. By the time the wedding vows were said and done, Louis picked her up bridal style and twirled her around. Louis made a song for Clementine for their wedding and he played it during the feast - it drove Clementine to tears because of how beautiful it was.

XXXIX. The newlyweds went to Marrakesh, Morocco for their honeymoon. On their anniversary they make a habit of going to Hawaii to swim with dolphins and turtles.

XL. A few days after Clementine gives birth to Aaliyah at age twenty five, Louis posts a cover on Youtube of “Light” by Sleeping At Last. It easily reaches thousands of likes a few hours later.

 @morefinesse​​ 

#morefinesse #my ROMANTIC ASS IS ALIVE RIGHT NOW #LITERALLY THE ONLY REASON WHY THIS IS A FEW DAYS LATE IS BECAUSE I WANTED TO MAKE IT PERFECT AGALJGGALJAGLJGA #YOU'RE A WEAPON GIRL &&. WEAPONS DON'T WEEP. ( HEADCANONS. ) #TELL ME THE STORY ABOUT HOW THE SUN LOVED THE MOON SO MUCH HE DIED EVERY NIGHT TO LET HER BREATHE. ( LOUISENTINE. || MOREFINESSE. ) #above the divider is in canon and post-tfs and below it is in a modern au!! #i hope you love these as much as i do ande!!<333 #you can totally reblog it if that tickles your fancy!! #i might've made it a wee bit long but it's for a good reason i promise - so voila here's my mini louisentine headcanon bible!!<3 #i also purposely left the canon section a bit shorter 'cause things can come naturally through drabbles and/or interactions<333