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mentalhealthandgames · 3 years

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Analysis on Celeste:

Celeste is an Indie 2D platformer developed and published by ‘Extremely OK Games’. Its plot is simpler than the ones of the other two games as it consists of much more gameplay (consisting of platforming) than the other games I am discussing: it’s about a girl whose default name is Madeline who wants to climb a mountain called Celeste Mountain.

Madeline has anxiety, and has to learn breathing techniques to prevent panic attacks. I think this is good because breathing techniques are very useful against panic attacks, and the way they are incorporated in the game means the player can practice them alongside Madeline which might encourage them to use breathing techniques in real life in situations where they may be needed. Although the gameplay mechanic of using the breathing technique to progress is shown to not always be successful, I think this is also important because sometime breathing techniques or other coping mechanisms won’t work. For me, for example I have had many times where breathing techniques have helped me get through my panic attacks more easily and many other times when I’ve been far too overwhelmed to focus on them properly and therefore struggle with the panic attack for longer. The way the game makes the player help Madeline through her panic attacks I think also provokes empathy in the player as it really puts them in her shoes.

The player never finds out the cause of Madeline’s mental health conditions, which I also think is a good thing, because most media shows mental health conditions as caused by severe trauma, and that can be the case, as trauma is seen as a common cause for most mental health problems. However depression and/or anxiety can also be caused by other factors, such as stress, lack of sleep, drug or alcohol abuse or a combination of similar factors or by trauma that isn’t as severe as ones shown in media. There is some discussion in mental health communities of how the idea mostly spread by the media that most people with mental health conditions have developed them as a result of severe trauma can be harmful to people whose mental health conditions developed as a result of other factors. This is because it can make people feel that their mental health problems are not as valid or serious as those of people’s that did develop from severe trauma, which is not the case, as all mental health problems are valid and should be treated seriously. Therefore the fact that the cause of Madeline’s mental health problems is not explained makes it more relatable for more people with mental health conditions and also might bring awareness to people who don’t have mental health problems that they can just be a part of life that developed without any severe trauma as the direct cause.

A main part of the plot is a character who I have seen referred to as either Madeline’s subconscious or the physical representation of her mental health conditions, known as ‘A Part of [Madeline]’ in the game and referred to as Badeline by fans and in game extras. I will refer to her as Badeline simply because it is easier. Badeline consistently attempts to prevent Madeline from completing her climb of Mount Celeste, mocking, chasing and fighting her. In Chapter 6 of the game, Madeline after a talk with her friend Theo (who had taught her the breathing technique), confronts Badeline, saying: “you’re everything I need to leave behind”. Badeline gets aggressive and when Madeline tries to use her breathing exercise Badeline stops it from working and Madeline falls down all the way back to the base of the mountain. There she once again meets a recurring character simply known as Granny, who recommends that Madeline talks to Badeline instead of fighting her, saying “figure out why she’s so scared”. When Madeline finds Badeline again she tries to talk to her, and tries to convince her to join forces. Badeline gets angry and they then start to fight. Badeline then says: “Fine. You win. I guess you don’t need me after all. If you want me to go away, I’ll try.” Madeline replies: “that’s not what I want. I need your help now more than ever. Please. Let’s work together… it’s okay to be scared.” They then hug and recombine into a levelled up version of Celeste who finally is able to finish climbing the mountain (or rather fly through it). “Madeline never “defeats” her anxiety and depression. Though you spend the majority of the trek fighting against and trying to escape [Badeline]—or, rather, her self-loathing and low self-esteem—you ultimately crest the mountain by realizing that mental illness isn’t something you can browbeat into submission. Madeline learns that hating her anxiety and depression only exacerbate their effects. By accepting every facet of her personality, and learning to be kinder to herself, Madeline finally climbs Celeste Mountain. “Creating this game and guiding Madeline through her journey made it obvious to me that acceptance was the only way forward,” Thorson wrote me. We all owe ourselves that kind of realization” (Clarke, 2018). I think this message of acceptance is a very important one. People with mental health conditions spend a lot of their time struggling against their conditions and trying to regain control of their life, but accepting their mental health conditions as part of life can actually make it easier to carry on with their life. This is a message that really resonated with me personally as when I was hearing voices as a result of my psychosis I felt like I was constantly fighting against myself to try and move forward. This ending, of Madeline accepting all of herself, subverts expectations and stereotypes, as most people see mental health something to be pushed down, hidden or beaten.

Maddy Thorson (the creator of Celeste) has said that the game is based on their own experiences with mental health as well as those of their team. “Our top priorities were to tell a story that meant something to us and explore these topics from a individual perspective, to draw players into this world with these characters we grew to love,” Thorson said. “Our intention going in wasn’t to represent mental illness in general, or to make a ‘how to deal with depression’ guide, and we didn’t think to consult professionals on the topic” (Grayson, 2018). This makes the representation feel extremely genuine. The game has been praised by many fans and critics for how relatable its mental health representation is. It is incredibly successful for an Indie game and given that the story is entirely about mental health, this implies that mental health representation that feels genuine and relatable is important for a lot of people. Maddy Thorson, when asked “how many copies has Celeste sold to date?” in an interview from 2019, said: “I don't have an exact up-to-date number, but I know we're coming up on a million copies soon. Which is unbelievable to us” (Marks, 2019). Given that the interview is from 2 years ago, the amount of copies sold is likely past one million by now.

The game is a platformer and was designed to be extremely difficult, but also to give hope and encourage the player not to give up, which I think is echoed in the message as Madeline is shown to be brave for accepting herself and her mental health problems, which is essentially the opposite of giving up. The game also has an ‘assist mode’ which includes motivational phrases such as “you can do this” to encourage the player to keep on going and the difficulty of the game can itself also be seen as trying to represent how difficult struggles with mental health can be. I think the game was made for people with mental health conditions in mind as a large part of the target audience as Maddy Thorson said it was therapeutic to make and clearly shares their own, and their team’s experiences with mental health and so is relatable for a lot of people with mental health conditions. In fact almost every review I read on Celeste also included the reviewer sharing their own mental health experiences and how the game resonated with them.

Overall it is probably the most popular of the games I am discussing and I think that is for a good reason. I found it an incredibly striking and genuine story of struggling with mental health with important messages such as ‘don’t give up’ and ‘self-acceptance is important’. These messages are said often and can be patronising but playing the game and experiencing Madeline’s struggle to accept herself and to manage to achieve her goal while struggling with her mental health makes those phrases feel real and possible to achieve.

References:

Marks, T (2019) Celeste Sequel (Probably) Won’t Happen, Developer Says. Available at:

https://www.ign.com/articles/2019/09/07/celeste-developer-doesnt-want-to-make-a-sequel-new-game-in-the-works (accessed at: 24 February 2021)

Clarke, N (2018) My Biggest Revelations of 2018 Came From an Indie Video Game. Available at:

https://www.vice.com/en/article/pa5937/my-biggest-revelations-of-2018-came-from-an-indie-video-gameAccessed at: 24 February 2021)

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returnedmemories · 5 years

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Somehow this post turned into my life story

This past month I've been able to call my kids every Sunday night. Im thrilled. The new medication I've been on has abled me to to feel things and be less depressed . I cant believe Im finally doing well enough and that I have earned enough trust with their guardians. I feel less disconnected from my kids. The calls dont usually last long, but I now get to hear about what they have done during the week, and whats happening in their lives.

Before I saw them only a few hours once every 3 months. Inbetween visits, I worried about them every day. Were they happy? Are they doing ok? Are they getting enough love? How are they handling all of the trauma they have been through? Did they miss me? Did they cry alone, struggling with their emotions? Or were they so shut down that they were barley living?

They have both come so far. I know my oldest is most likely going to struggle most of her life. Its hard to over come trauma. I know. Its a daily struggle not to relive the past over and over again. And living with depression can literally suck the life out of you. I hope she can heal. I hope she doesnt make the mistakes i made.

Being abused and rejected by my dad, and knowing my mom couldnt or wouldnt protect me left me feeling worthless. I was alone with a monster and I couldnt protect myself. Being told over and over again that I was stupid, fat, lazy, and worthless. Having my dad raging and yelling, being told that he HATED me.

I became a shell of a person. I was empty. I hated myself so much. I was eventually sucked down a dark hole of depression that I couldnt escape. I became suicidal by the time I was 11. All I wanted to do was cut open my skin and climb out of my own body. I wanted the pain to stop. But it didnt. It got worse. I was afraid to go home after school. Home wasnt a safe place. Not when HE was there. At home we walked around on egg shells hoping he would leave us alone. But there was always something. Always. I cant tell you how many times he kicked me out of the house. And when that happened my mom wouldnt know what to do or where to take me. It hurt me so much, my mom didnt stand up to him. She always said she just wanted everything to be okay, but really by doing nothing she was choosing him over me.

By the time I was 13 I discovered a way to distract myself from the pain that consumed me. Cutting. When I cut myself on the outside I could focus on that pain, and it momentarily relieved me of all the hurt inside. I tried to hide it at first. Then I stopped caring. My mom found out, she was understanding. But when my dad found out, I was assaulted with his rage and hate. I already hurt so much that most days I thought about ending my life. And what does my dad say to me? "Your not my fucking kid. Why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head witn a gun". I'll never forget that moment. I'll never forget those words. They destroyed me. Im grateful now that my mom made my dad get rid of the gun he had brought into the house. I wouldnt be here now if she hadnt. I would have done it. My entire life had become nothing but fear, depression, and self hatred. Life wasnt worth living.

I was 14 by the time I had become full blown anorexic. It was the one thing I could control. I also began going for long walks. I was 100% convinced that I was fat. Maybe I would have had this problem anyway, but I believe having my dad tell me I was fat and lazy my entire life had something to do with it.

I just stopped eating. And On top of not eating, I would take laxatives, and I would take epicac AND I would intentionally give myself food poisoning. All so my body would eject anything that might still be in my body. Im lucky I didnt end up in the hospital. I felt weak, and dizzy. There were times I fainted, or suddenly felt like the room was spinning. But I was in control. And it became normal. Not eating. Whenever someone offered me food, my immediate instinct was that I was being threatened and it was time to flee.

But of course, (even though I was never fat), no matter how thin I got, I still thought I was fat. I thought I was disgusting, and Unworthy. No one loved me. And I had no one to protect me. I wanted out! I began thinking if only I didnt have to live with my dad, that I could be safe and happy. I couldnt wait to turn 18. I couldnt wait to be out of his grip. I would turn 18 and he wouldnt own me anymore. I was so stupid.

Life became even harder when I began having PTSD episodes. Even when I was away from my dad, at school, I couldnt escape him. I began re- living times he hurt me. And his voice became my inner voice. All day I could hear him whispering, "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?" Always in the same order, on a loop, repeating over and over again. I was in my own personal hell. Trapped. Miserable. Suicidal. Why couldnt I be like all of the other kids? I didnt understand why this was happening to me.

I was in highschool now. All of my middle school friends were seperated from me, and I began struggling in school. Highschool was much bigger, with alot of students that I didnt know. I began having severe anxiety and panic attacks. I spent alot of time in the schools councelors office either bawling, hyperventilating, or so shut down and disociated that I couldnt speak. I was trapped in my head, reliving trauma, and hearing my new inner voice(thanks dad): "your stupid, fat, lazy, worthless, I hate you, why dont you just go shoot yourself in the head with a gun?"

Most school days I left early. I couldnt handle being around so many people. Inside my world was falling apart. I felt so alone, so empty. I couldnt cope.

I was 15 when I began trying to get help. I packed a bag after one of my dads abusive raging throughout the house. He kept instilling fear into me, and kicking me out of the house (for no reason. It was a way for him to control me) He expected me to go somewhere and wait several hours until his anger had settled, then come back. If I didnt come back right when he decided he wanted me back he would threaten to call the police and report me as a runaway. AFTER HE KICKED ME OUT!!! So this time I fought back. I went to two different shelters. One was called Simonka Place. It was a shelter for women and children. I was there for a while, but I was still in the middle of a mental health crisis. I had a panic attack/ptsd episode/dissociative state and was sent to the hospital because staff was worried I may have overdosed on something. I tried to tell the doctors I had not taken anything, but I was a kid, and they didnt believe me. My hands and feet were in restraints and they forced a tube down my throat and into my stomache where they pumped me full of charcoal. They said if I took anything I would throw it up.

I didnt throw up. I didnt take anything!

When I got back to Simonka house they said I couldnt stay, because they werent equipt to handle my problems. I was upset and angry at the time, but looking back, they were right. I was a very messed up child who needed more help then they could provide.

The next day I went to the host program. It was a shelter for teenagers that provided family counseling.

I left the very next day. They said I had to eat breakfast, it was part of the program. That wasnt going to happen. Food was the one thing I had control of. So my fight or flight instincts kicked in and I ran. (In hindsight, looking back I can see where I was prob having manic episodes. I didnt find out until I was 21, but I have bipolar disorder, along with depression, anxiety, ptsd, and dissociation disorder)

I dont know how this post became my life story, but whoo! It feels good to get this shit out! Im going to end this now, but I definitely want to continue this.

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thovoid · 6 years

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diary entry #2

every once in a while i will meet someone and get this all-consuming feeling that we were in love in another life. i usually only ever get to know them on a very surface level, but feel like ive known them for years. like i learned everything about them in a different world, and it was just within reach if i could only get them to see what i could see. i dont think any of them has ever felt the same.

the first was a boy that i had met when visiting my family down south. i had known him as a child during brief visits once a year, but id never really talked to him until the very last day of one of my trips three summers ago. we sat together—talking and laughing by the pool, innocently flirting at dinner, making awkward goodbyes by the car—and i bubbled with excitement and anxiety as i thought about the next time we would meet. we texted for months after that, but the distance fizzled us out and i was left with the one memory i had and the fantasy of what could be.

it was colder the next time. i only saw him once that year, and it was awkward and quick. friendly greeting, no goodbye.

last summer was different, though. i saw him a lot at first, but i was busy every minute of every day and we hardly had time to speak until the beach day. a big group of people all met at the beach, and i had a total of fifteen minutes that i was free to talk with whoever i wanted. we sat on dirty towels, burying our feet in the pale sand with our backs to the water, looking out at the snow peaked mountain that stood above. we laughed just as we had before, and it reminded me of my stupid feelings. i felt very at home in those moments, and i knew with all of my being that if we lived in the same state we would have been really happy.

i dont know if i am ever going to see him again. if i dont, im okay with how it ended.

my second soulmate was a girl that we moved in next to last year, who probably doesnt remember my name and who i have only actually had one conversation with. besides when she came by to see if we were okay when rainwater flooded our garage, or when we would be leaving as she got home and she would wave at us to ask how we were doing, or when we bumped into each other at a party and i didnt recognize her because i was just a little too fucking inebriated, or when she served us at our favorite little italian restaurant and she told me i should totally apply because she makes bank on tip money. no, this conversation was different. maybe just as trivial, but this time we were alone. she was sitting in front of her garage with a toolbox and a vape pod (i had never thought vaping was attractive until i saw her absentmindedly take a hit, and then quickly blow the vapor out and put the pod down like she didnt even realize she had picked it up) and i was just getting home from a particularly sweaty day at work. she called me over to sit with her. we didnt talk about anything important, but i could tell she had a lot she wanted to say and no one to say it to. i felt like everything i could ever know about her was right within reach, i just needed to crack open the gates. as i was trying to decide whether or not to ask something that i probably would have regretted asking, her friend pulled into the driveway. i stood up and went back home.

the third one is the stupidest. he trained me on my first day in a new position at work. he is a few years older than me, he must be at least in his twenties. i have always thought he was 26, but i dont know if that’s true. at first i couldnt tell if i just respected him in a “please accept me as good enough because my father never told me he was proud of me” way, or a “please take me seriously because i want to fuck you” way. i started checking all the time if i was scheduled a shift with him, and i remember how my fingers would shake as i waited for the page to load. i started thinking about him all the time, and what it would be like if we were together, but i was too embarrassed to admit it to anyone and was too shy to have any sort of real conversation with him, which is out of character for me. my heart hurt when he would leave the room.

i would observe him a lot, because random social functions would throw us into the same parties and day trips, and i felt like i understood him on a level that really intrigued me. just like with the others, i wanted to sit down and listen to everything he could possibly say about anything. for some reason i was still too fucking shy around him to make him think of me as anything more than a coworker, though.

the last shift i ever worked with him, i had a panic attack right before i got to work. i tried really hard to put my customer service face on, but i was noticeably spacey for my whole shift. it had me spiraling; i felt like a failure in front of him and i couldnt do anything right. no one could ever know that, though, so i kept distracting myself so i could blink back tears, and then move on like nothing was wrong. that was my last week at that job, and i am never going to see him again. its probably for the best.

the last one makes me feel icky. thinking about him now is making my chest bubble and my ears pound.

during my senior year i had to go to a college campus for one of my classes for a few months. it was a night class so it was mostly filled with adults, but there was this one really hot guy covered in tattoos, who i pegged to be around 21. he had soft blonde hair and light scruff. we wore faded jeans that fit him nicely and an oversized jumper, so the only tats visible were on his hand and the one behind his ear. it made him look tough but gentle. he asked for my number and i gave it to him. he said he was drawn to me for some reason. it felt like fate, because i felt exactly the same way.

i never really get crushes on people. i know a lot of people—i use tinder, i meet people at parties, i even sometimes go on dates—but i never really feel attracted to people. whether its a hot guy that i see on the street, or a really nice girl that makes me laugh, or someone i can sit down with and talk to for hours. that’s why when i get these feelings for these few people that i barely know, it feels like it’s something more than a crush. so when he told me he was thirty and he thought i was really hot for my age, i wanted to believe that it was still fate, and that i wouldnt just feel like this for no reason. i let him say things to me that i would normally ghost someone over, and i tried to convince myself that it was normal.

nothing extraordinary or exciting ever came of this. i quickly realized that a man that was 13 years older should not be texting like this to me, so i told him i wasnt going to work out and blocked his number in a way that required the least amount of confrontation. i brought pepper spray to school with me every day after that.

anyway. i dont know what any of this means, if it means anything. maybe these were all just normal ass crushes, and if i was just a little bit less scared of my emotions i would have a real story. or maybe people are just more connected than we think.

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gontagokuhara · 7 years

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Sincerely three werewolf/vampire au where they're all different (human, vampire, and werewolf) but like they all freaking love each other anyway, after MANY difficulties with family and the whole "ummm arent we supposed to hate eachother?" and just live their slightly odd domestic lives together.

listen. i kno where u want me to go with this. i know ur all expecting jared/werewolf evan/human connor/vampire

but fuck the status quo

evan hansen has been living in self-isolation since he was a kid. when he was– when he was turned he was so ashamed, and so horribly terrified of hurting people that he just. shut himself in

his mom, part-time nurse and full-time worrier for her only son, did her best; searched far and wide for some cure, or at least something to lessen her son’s pain, but every full moon without fail he would turn into…that, and there was nothing she could do, other than let it pass and hope for the best.

but the isolation gets to him, and he develops anxiety at the thought of coming into contact with anyone other than his mom, and heidi decides that she needs to remedy this.

she sends him to high school.

(it goes about as well as you’d think)

his first day he has a panic attack in the bathroom, and the one person he tries to smile at flees the room scowling.

that person is resident vampire jared kleinman.

he’d brag about being immortal if he could without getting himself killed (although he’s not a turned-vampire; he’s a vampire born to vampiric parents, and as such has only been on earth for less than two decades), but he can’t so he keeps mostly to himself. school is a chore, and he hates having to go, but usually slathering himself in spf 100 and spending his time playing video games and hacking inside does the trick.

and imagine his surprise when he walks into class on his first day of senior year and finds himself overcome with the scent of wet dog. he looks around for the offender, and locks eyes with a meek looking kid wearing a striped shirt, and he thinks this cant be the dog, but he takes another whiff and runs out of the room near gagging.

he intercepts him after their first class is over, pulls him into a supply closet, and deadpans: what the fuck.

evan spills immediately (mostly because he can tell immediately that this person isn’t human, and he doesnt have a chance of fending another supernatural creature off when the moon isnt out), and jared takes one look at this sad loser and decides to take him under his wing

(not without making him invest in some cologne first, though)

and their friendship is…weird, but it works, for some reason. jared acts as a buffer between evan and the rest of the world when things get too much for him. evan comforts him in the dead of night when there’s blood on his shaking hands and he cant shake the word murderer from his head. jared perches himself on a lowhanging branch and talks to evan during those full moons, keeps him grounded and present. evan uses his temporarily stronger form to hunt woodland creatures for jared, so maybe the guilt will lessen, just for one night.

eventually, something changes, and soon neither of them can remember a time when they weren’t in love.

it’s one of these nights, as the sun is coming up and evan’s just turned back into a human, and jared’s draining one of evan’s catches, when connor murphy stumbles upon the two of them with a joint in his hand.

what the fuck, he says, and throws it as far away from himself as he can.

they…kind of kidnap connor for the day, and keep him secure while his high wears off so they can explain to him whats going on, and hopefully convince him to keep his mouth shut.

(evan is shaking so badly he can hardly stand)

(jared isn’t much better)

and connor, still high as a kite, says: my fuckin luck that the boys i like turned out to be gay for each other and be a furry and a demon, huh

evan: boys i like,

jared: a furry and a demon???

suffice to say, they have a fuckin Chat.

when connor’s sober, he processes things…fairly well. takes it all in stride. evan turns into a dog during full moons? cool. jared dabbles in murder and has fangs? alright.

also, apparently you like us? jared asks, and thats when connor begins to panic

cue evan and jared having their own little chat (because this is a big decision to be made and communication is important, lads) and they decide..yknow…okay. we’re both open to trying this out, and seeing where it goes (because connor is kind of cute, and doesn’t seem to mind the whole not-entirely-human thing, so…)

so these three, a vampire, a werewolf, and a human, go on a date to jamba juice.

and from then on, it’s history.

the change is…not very drastic. they meld together surprisingly well? evan’s practically a space heater and his (human-temperatured and very cold) boyfriends love cuddling him at all times. jared is a Stronk Boy and likes to fly his bfs around. connor gets to take both boyfs home and watch his family squirm at the natural tension a werewolf and a vampire in the same room create.

they graduate together. get into the same state college, move into an apartment together. there’s still bad nights – evan still cant shake the anxiety towards meeting new people, jared still sometimes lies in bed, paralyzed with the thought of i’m a murderer, and connor’s mental health is still not optimal. but they get through day by day, and they love each other, and it’s okay.

#ask #deh #hcs #sincerely three #dear evan hansen #evan hansen #connor murphy #jared kleinman #mike faist #ben platt #will roland #YOINKS this got long

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tumblunni · 7 years

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also wtf who designed rune factory 4 this way THIS IS MY ONLY COMPLAINT IN AN AMAZING GAME why are all the romance routes entirely random?? even after youve reached the relationship milestones its COMPLETELY RANDOM whether the event will start every day same for every friendship event and town event and even some plot events you just have to sit there at your bed constantly skipping days for multiple years til the random number god gives you the marriage scene you did EVERYTHING to earn this marriage scene and you have nothing left to do but wait and youll never see any new events with that character until it happens, and you have a very limited amount of dates to go on while youre waiting, and they all do NOTHING except raise the relationship bar over maximum which does nothing. doesnt even increase the chance of the random event?? why even LET me increase it over maximum if it does nothing? thats just tricking me into thinking i havent unlocked the marriage event yet! when I HAVE and i just need to WAIT A BAZILLION YEARS OF RANDOM

anyway i finally got Leon’s random marriage quest and it was Awesome and So Many Tears and now im even more conflicted on who to marry gahhhhh its such a shame you cant resolve everyone’s plot unless you date them, i feel so bad dating all these people when im not able to marry them all, just cos i wanna fix their lives and make them happy but then theyre gon be sad that we didnt get married aaaa

and Leon is especially saddddd

now cos his whole plot is that he had a depressing scenario with a friend as a kid. She loved him but he saw her as just a little sister, and he jokingly promised to marry her once when they were too young to understand. And he didnt know she took it seriously until after he DIED and reincarnated as a fox monster person centuries later too late to do anything about it. And he’s crushed full of guilt that he somehow led her on, and he was never able to apologise, and he’s scared she spent her whole life waiting for him to come back. and then you get this very cool series of sidequests thatre a realistic look at translating languages, and its really motivational how leon is able to help bring knowledge of a dead language back to life and preserve the ancient culture that people thought was lost BUT THEN ENDLESS FUCKIN TRAGEDY kiel accidentally finds an old diary of leon’s friend (WHAT ARE THE ODDS) and he has frickin detailed anxiety attacks unable to even hold the damn paper cos he’s shaking so much and you go on a big treasure hunt to find all the pages and he’s just CRYING SO MUCH mr playboy man! mr flirty asshole! mr stoic! he’s fuckin crying and he cant hold a book without your help and aaaa and his whole story is about how he isnt really the negative stereotypes of a flirty character, he really REALLY values love and he feels depressed he cant love everyone who loves him, so he tries to fake it. And he tries to push people away whenever it seems genuine, but also like... entertain them enough that they dont feel he doesnt love them, i guess? and no matter how promiscuous a person is, they still cant love EVERYONE, you cant just force a relationship on them and say they must be asking for it cos they date other people and enjoy sex. its so depressing that he considers his biggest flaw that he wasnt able to force himself to love someone he didnt, especially when he did care about her, just as a best friend instead! if theyd just talked about it, it would have saved all this heartache for both of them! so then we start piecing together this book and it looks like his worst fears are confirmed, she spent her whole life waiting for him and hating him and its really fucking EXPLODINGLY SAD and then the quest is a bit confusing so i spent several days stuck on this point not knowing who to talk to next, going through random dungeons in case that somehow helped. turned out i did find the right spot but the quest just doesnt progress until you talk to the right person first GAH! stuck for five days on crying leon scene!! NOOOOOO but I finally got past it and CLIMACTIC HAPPY END or bittersweet end more like we find out we mistranslated one bit which was actually PAGE NUMBERS, and we were missing a page all along! and then the final page reveals that she actually moved on and found a new love and had a happy family and grew old together, and her only frustration with leon was imagining that he couldnt find the same thing, worrying that she’d betrayed him. So this wasnt a diary, it was actually a letter she wrote for him to find, having confidence he’d wake up someday and have another chance at happiness! She just wanted him to know that she kept his memory alive and she’s sorry and she was happy and AAAAAAUUUGH im tearing up again the bit that really got me was that we find out that leon’s favourite romance novel was actually written by her. It was so popular it survived into the modern day as a literature classic, and it convinces him that she really was happy with her new boyfriend if she could write something as beautiful as this. And he wants to embody the spirit of the book with you, and keep his new promise to her to have a happy family of his own :) ... AGHHHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH why cant i marry everyone why do so many of them have plots where it seems like they wont be happy unless i love them... even now i dont really think the leon pairing is my favourite, i wish i could have had this plot as a friendship route! i think it would have resonated just as much since the whole backstory is about him being friends with someone who had unrequited love for him. i wanna be leon’s bestie and ultimate wingman! I like him a lot but I dont really think i wanna marry him! IM SO SORRY LEON AAAA he’s such a soulful beefcake dammit I’m sure he’d find a bazillion better lovers! I’m sure a lot of players did marry him! WHY DO I FEEL SO GUILTY AAAAA its not fair, aaaa arthur was the first one i dated and i also really care about him but in his case his way of acting in the romance isnt very different to when youre just friends so i dont think i wanna commit to that relationship maybe? it might change when i see his final random event but i dont get much ‘he’ll be happy with you’ vibes, its just strengthening their powerful brotp that they had from the start of the game. he feels like someone protagonist would indeed date, but theyd part again on friendly terms after it didnt work out, and then be amicable exes who still care a lot about each other. and I just feel like I wanna marry dylas even though he’s had the least tragic events so far. gahhhh! he just seems SO HAPPY dating you, and has loads of character development since it started, unlike the other two ive seen the dates for. he feels like he’s actually getting something out of this that he wouldnt if we were just friends? its so hard trying to weigh up the pros and cons of romance options in games when im inacapble of actually being attracted to anyone, its just ‘i care about you all and i wanna give you the best possible ending’. I haaaaate when games have it so that romance is always the best possible ending for every single character and they all suffer forever if you dont pick them :P and I havent even seen the romances with the other three dudes yet! GAHHHHH!! Theyre all the ones I wasnt immediately interested in dating, but that opinion could totally change, i could end up with a six way tie :P ... ALSO RANDOM BUT is anyone else really uncomfortable with the queerbaiting in this game? there is a LOt, a LOT of ‘lol maybe gay’, sometimes so clear that it seems the game is outright canonically stating this character is gay or bisexual yet you have no option to marry them unless youre the opposite sex. It gets REALLY uncomfortable with Dylas, he just,,, does not express any interest in women at all unless the player pursues him. And his mutual crush with doug is CONSTANTLY REFERENCED, and called out very clearly for what it is. IOf the game didnt keep pointing it out i would have been able to shrug it off as just accidental chemistry from a failed rivalry plotline or something, but we have EVERYONE saying ‘oh a lover’s quarrel’ and ‘be honest about your feelings’ and ‘i bet you wanna see doug in a swimsuit’ and ‘gee i really wanna see doug in a swimsuit’ and IT CANT BE ANY MORE CANON THAN THIS. And.. like.. Dylas even says he DOESNT wanna see women in swimsuits, he’s just here at the beach cos Doug might come along. He does not express any interest in women at all except the protagonist! It makes me feel SO uncomfortable! it feels like he’s actually gay, when with most other characters they seem bisexual?? I dunno how to explain it, thats just how it comes off to me. Why is there no option for him and doug to date, why cant i date him as the male protagonist?? His romance route is so totally gender neutral, i did the postgame protagonist swap cheat and it just feels more in-character for him this way. if im gonna steal him away from Doug i dont want it to be a weird gay conversion therapy type thing, it just feels so WEIRD. The one and ONLY stated crush he has on another character, and its gay, and theres NO OPTION FOR IT TO HAPPEN and then he suddenly becomes 100% straight and never talks about doug again if a fem protagonist dates him. SO WEEEEEIRD... I’m just gonna sit here on the non-canon bonus feature dylas x male protag train and never leave. If you cant have doug you shall have the transitioned me! Its funny cos he’s like the only batchelor i very vehemently cannot ship with fem protag, yet do with male protag :P but GAHHH leon deserves a family and i could give him a child and aaaaa SO HARD TO CHOOSE also i am sad that the postgame cheatmode lets you switch to any character but if its not one of the two protags its only your overworld model and not your face portraits. Its weird because every batchelor and batchelorette has the exact same full set of emotions and costumes, so why cant i access that?? its also a shame cos it means i cant roleplay my doug and dylas marriage properly :P CMON MAN WHY U EVEN TELL ME THEY IN LOVE IF THEY CANT BE IN LOVE :P they have the best portmanteau ship name too! douglas! :P

#raaaaamble about gaaaaaame #distract self from feeling ill #no but seriously what is the doug x dylas official ship name and how do i find cute fanart to heal my grumpiness #ITS LITERALLY CANON YET THEY CANT DATE #if you didnt wanna do gay content then dont put gay content in your damn game #i havent seen such an undeniably frustrating example of queerbaiting since some of the yousuke stuff in persona 4

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