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theorphicangel · 10 months

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HI LOVE <3 GRATS ON THE 500 ksdfksjdf

can i get “maybe this is it, because I can’t do this anymore” because i wanna be in pain :') i'm a sucker for hurt/comfort but if you wanna kill me with all angst no comfort i will happily die in (angsty) peace <3

hiii kat!! thank you so so much for sending in a prompt! Now I was considering going fully angst but I do want to see you live as my mutual so I settled for comfort 🙏🫡

enjoy :)

send in a prompt for my 500 event!

tw: blood, grief, death, gn! reader

Scarlet blood decorated your skin, imprinted like tattoo ink. It will take you days to scrub it out completely. The fade of crimson never truly disappears.

Each time you went on a mission you never really thought that it would be as god-awful as the last, and most of the time – and most fortunately – you were right.

But not this time.

This time, it was the worst of the worst. Unimaginable. As if the pits of hell collectively decided that out of all days, today would be the perfect time to unleash eternal damnation upon the entire corps.

Today, the universe chose to make you a witness to the most gruesome scenes ever known to the human eye and to let you live with it.

That was truly the worst kind of punishment.

The punishment of being the lucky few who survived after seeing the rampages of hell. The so-called lucky ones who have yet to fully comprehend what they have been through and face immediate backlash from hundreds when returning to the walls. It was only then that you understood the idea that survival was possibly the next thing worse than death.

Heads bowed, a deep sea of dark green cloaks was all the eye could see on the return home. Bodies numb and battered, stomachs empty and nauseous, mental state shattered and fragile, this is all that is left of the Survey Corps.

The contact between each other’s eyes was how communication flowed. After a tragedy like this, only a set of weary eyes could portray the answers to the unspoken questions. In silence, the poor numbers of survivors trailed one after the other, the optimism once held in these hearts were now killed by the fate of the world.

Knuckles tight, your hands gripped the reins of your horse. Your limbs shook, unable to cope with the amount of grief and trauma that you had just seen. It was unbearable, having to go through it time and time again, mission after mission, hope after hope that this time would be the last time that you would see your comrades die.

You don’t think you’d ever reach that point. Internally, you had already decided that this would be the last time. You were done.

Silently, you disappeared from the small crowd. And after tying up your horse in the stable, you slipped away not caring to be present for a register. The worn soles of your boots thunder as you walk down the soulless corridor, cold and empty, only now coming to life.

Making a sharp turn, you meet the closed door of your office. Bloodstained hands meet the cold doorknob and you twist with all the strength that you have in your own drained body to get the door open. You only manage to take a few steps forward before collapsing on your office floor. Like the rest of the headquarters, it’s cold and empty, and there’s already a stack of papers on your table ready to be signed.

For the first minute or two, you realize that you have no energy to cry, instead choosing to slump on the ground, your body melting into the floor.

It’s only a matter of time before it all sinks in. The visions and raw images race back into your mind like a film scene rolling before your eyes. Before you know it your eyes are watering and you’re unable to stop the tears from flowing. Neither are you able to suppress the deep cry inside you. Hands shaking, you can’t stop, like you're not even in control of your own body. You can’t stop no matter how hard you try.

Forcing yourself to take in a breath, the tears only pause momentarily before flowing all over again.

You don’t even know how long he’s been there. You never really noticed your office door open or even hear his steps. Wiping away at your blurry eyes was when you found him there, right there in front of you. He was a splitting image of you. Bloodstained and exhausted.

Inaudibly, he’s beside you on the ground, his nimble, cold fingers gently holding the tips of yours. His face is filled with immediate concern on how much you’re currently shaking, and soon he unbuttons his own cape and wraps it around you, the warmth of it already doing wonders.

Coming to a sudden yet much needed halt, your body has run out of tears. Eyes red, skin patchy, head throbbing, your body has nothing left in you. Miserably, you sit, shaking your head slowly as you hiccup. Levi’s hand slowly rubs circles into your back. Pathetically you rub your eyes one more time, skin irritated by the amount of contact.

“I can’t–”

It merely comes out as a whisper, your throat dry and croaky. It takes you a few times to swallow before you can repeat yourself a little louder.

“I can’t do it.”

Levi raises a brow, his concern never once left his face, not even for a minute. “Can’t do what?”

“This.” you mumble, raising your hands. “They say that after the worst you can’t do it anymore, that it’ll break you and maybe— maybe this is it, because I can’t do this anymore.” Your voice wobbles before the end, breaking off as a new set of fresh tears reach your waterline.

“Don’t say that.”

“It’s true!” you exclaim, “I’m finished. I can’t keep doing this anymore, Levi. How many people do I have to watch die in front of me before we can reach freedom? It’s like a fucking nightmare I can’t wake up from, and just when I start to get hope, just that tiniest spark of hope inside me, it just fucking dies and I end up with nothing, I end up with nothing, Levi.”

“You don’t have nothing.” He begins, his tone quiet and gentle with you. “You have your squad and—“

“And so what? One day I’ll lose them too and you know it. I can’t keep pretending that I’m strong enough for this, I can’t do it. I’m–” You shut your eyes, tilting your head upwards. The words leave your lips in a whisper. “I’m just so fucking tired of this.”

He gets it. He really and truly does understand where you’re coming from. Even when it feels like nobody understands, he gets it. Because at one point in his life, he had reached that conclusion too.

Levi swallowed thickly letting the silence creep back in after your words. His eyes were casted downwards, searching for an answer, anything to comfort you. It took a few moments before he was ready to say something.

“I know I don’t have the answer, none of us do, and trust me, we’re all tired. Every single one of us. Every single day everyone wakes up and thinks, ‘why am I doing this?’ ‘Why did I choose this path, this endless path of not knowing if I’ll make it to tomorrow?’ But the thing is…we have no choice but to keep going.”

Levi paused for a second. “ I know it doesn’t seem like it but little by little we are making progress. With each and every mission we are coming back with new information and intel in which we didn’t know about before. In fact, I bet you Hange will storm your office tomorrow with something new that they found.”

His words coax out a subtle smile out of you, you could just imagine that happening.

“That is why we do it, so we can get new information, to discover shit that we haven’t even thought about yet. It is a sacrifice but no one who steps foot into the Survey Corps isn’t aware of that.”

Levi took a deep sigh, watching as your tears slow down your cheeks. You felt his exhale of air reach your skin. A reminder he was here, right here with you.

“Keep going, “ He tells you, gently. “For me at least. For us.”

It was possibly the most selfish thing that he had ever asked for in his entire lifetime and the first selfish thing he had asked for but he knew that this was your breaking point.

If he couldn’t get you to promise him this, then there was no hope left for you. Just this once he needed to be selfish and it was all a no brainer for him if it meant saving you in the long run.

His hands cup your face, bloodstained and all. Because of your own blurry eyes you couldn’t catch the way that his eyes welled up.

“Promise me this one thing.” He mumbled. “Promise you’ll keep going for me.”

“Levi–”

“Promise me.” His voice grew loud all of a sudden, echoing off the walls of your quiet office. His tone was stern as if he was giving an order to his squad, the only difference was…you could hear the fear in his voice.

He was only being strict on you because he was so afraid of losing you. That was his own breaking point. And if it ever came to that then that would be it. He wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. He wouldn’t know how to. He’d rather be sacrificed to the titans than ever imagine himself in a scenario like that.

You meet his eyes, fear evident in them. For him you’ll do it. Whatever it takes.

“I promise.”

“Good.” his fingers steadily wiped away the trail of teardrops. “I won’t ever let you down. You remember that, okay?”

You nod, trusting him full heartedly without a second thought.

Again he was being selfish, guiding you down a path that could potentially lead to disaster, but it needed to be done, for the sake of saving you. Could it be something he will potentially regret in the near future?

He doesn’t know. No one does.

But for now, he’s willing to do whatever it takes to keep you by his side.

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