#unfortunately i neither feel butch enough to take pleasure in that identity nor am/do I want to be anything else

[scholarschism]

it’s self-pity posting hours in the tags pls feel free to look away

#uuuuggghhhhhh groans of angst #so I’m supposed to go to a going away thing for a coworker/college friend who I did a program with #for all my usual reasons (bad at people and leaving the house) I kind of don’t want to go #BUT ALSO I’m never invited to things in part because I simply do not go to them so. I should go #I don’t want to have to explain to people that i haven’t been doing anything the past couple years except barely holding it all together #sometimes that’s a part of life and I don’t think people should be judged for Going Thru It but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed #about feeling like kind of a wreck #cause who hasn’t been going thru it lately. and my life isn’t even bad. I just… idk. feelings and brain stuff I guess #and I don’t want to pick an outfit and think about being Percieved #on this the day of butch appreciation you’d think I’d be more like. excited about inhabiting the body I have #unfortunately i neither feel butch enough to take pleasure in that identity nor am/do I want to be anything else #it’s weird. my body has always been Wrong for Womanhood. (fat without the right curves and too much hair in the wrong places etc) but… #I also still can’t reach attractiveness in a gnc way. or at least not in a way I can see. probably for psychological reasons. #so I don’t wanna be/can’t really be a ‘regular girl’ but it feels like I’m missing the positive qualities that would make me butch #wow I’ve really composed an essay of self pity here on this day. yikes!! #anyway sorry if anyone read this far #is this the right place to process this? eh. have I managed to handle it on my other outlets? no clearly. #well. whatever. maybe exorcising this to the Internet realm will release it from me a little