#xbeans hitman au | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

t4t4tclethian · 2 months

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hitman joel x businessman (? not sure about this one but its what ive got) xb where joel was originally hired to kill xb but then xb kept wiggling his way out of every single attempt. and then joel's contract expires but he still keeps trying to kill xb because he wants to finish the job and he has a reputation to uphold here! who's going to hire a hitman who comically fails in every attempt to kill this one guy? and then he tries to befriend xb in disguise to figure out this guy's weaknesses. (xb knows the whole time but is extremely paranoid anyways and kinda wants to see where joel's going with this).

(featuring grian and the rest of the magic mountain gang as joel's hitman friends who bully him mercilessly, keralis as. well i feel like you can't write xb without a keralis. and hypno as xb's necromancer friend who raises him from the dead the few times joel actually Does manage to poison him or whatever)

#xbeans hitman au #actually it could be funny if xb was a retired hitman and thats why joel was hired to kill him #and why he has incredible aim with a shotgun + can catch joel's tricks #also its probably funnier if they can just die and come back in this au #or at least xbeans can #also scar is the necromancer in joel's camp #except he doesn't actually Know magic he just bullshits off of one of cub's tomes that he 'borrowed'#so he does the most unorthodox bullshit necromancy ever held together with duct tape and pixie dust and it somehow works #like if anyone else tried this it would backfire with horrendous consequences

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smallishdruid · 2 months

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doodle of the "you wouldn't do a hit on ME, WOULD you hitman" clip from secret sleepover society playing hitman, inspired by @t4t4tclethian's hitman xbeans au because IT IS THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER READ...

please please please go interact with gumy's au and fic (on tumblr and ao3) it's so amazing

#hitman xbeans #should I... maintag? it's technically #hermitshipping #druid drew it #if anyone rbs with maintags I'll edit to include them I guess #as a side note I have NEVER drawn xb and I feel like he should be paler lol but as a first attempt I hope this is adequate #not sure if he's a fishy hybrid in au like the typical fandom interpretation? so I just drew him as human even though his ears are #a little big lol. also gave joel hearing aids because he's a dumbass in-game and I think he would accidentally give himself hearing damage #from shooting/sniping with no ear protection sobbb #hitman xbeans au

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gumy-shark · 2 months

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just posted chapter 2 of my xbeans hitman au! check it out!

#gumy writes #xbeans #hermitshipping #for more information on this au please check out my sideblog @t4t4tclethian

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t4t4tclethian · 2 months

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ideas i have for the xbeans hitman au:

Gem and Impulse's Adventures in Unionization: they are trying to form a hitman's union. it goes about as well as you think it would in the workplace comedy vibes of the magic mountain hitman group

Lizzie and Cleo's Wacky Roommate Adventures: this one's mostly for cutaway gags; lizzie has her own sitcom arch nemesis who is also her sorta-girlfriend. (lizzie and joel are very very similar in this au except joel kills people for a living and lizzie works at an animal shelter)

XB Fucking Dies (Yeah, For Real This Time): joel manages to get one over on xB for once (the score is at joel 3, xB 29), only to find that xB hasn't come back this time. joel refuses to believe that xB is really dead, however, and decides to go and find him.

This One Doesn't Have A Name: joel and xb are forced to work together against a common enemy (tbd). i dont really know what i want to do with this one i just want to give them chances to look at each other's biceps and make jokes about joel trying to poison xb out of habit.

#xbeans hitman au #all of these are possibilities #im mostly just writing them down incase i want to explore them later #but yeah like. joel and lizzie have a type and that is people who could and would absolutely kill them

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t4t4tclethian · 2 months

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The moment Joel realizes he has a crush on xB is, objectively, quite a funny one. He’d almost certainly be laughing about it if it had been anyone else. As it is, though, he’s hopping mad, extremely indignant, and deeply embarrassed about the whole thing. Who ever heard of a hitman falling for their mark? (Well, a lot of people have- it’s a whole romance cliche for a reason. But it wasn’t supposed to actually happen!)

(ao3 link)

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It had all started a few days earlier, when Joel had been hanging out with the other Magical Mountaineers in the breakroom. Gem and Impulse were poring over some papers together, Skizz was on a phone call in the corner, Mumbo was politely watching as Scar fumbled through some magic tricks, and Grian was sitting on the couch with Joel, listening to him rant about his failures at killing xB (he’d drawn the short straw). Everything was normal.

And then, when Joel paused his tirade to take a breath, Grian said those fatal words. “From the way you talk about this guy, Joel, it’s almost like you’ve got a crush on the mark!”

Which was ridiculous, of course! He does blummin’ not, thank you! His relationship with xB was a perfectly platonic contract killing, and Joel is a professional! He knows better than to fall for his target, and he indignantly tells Grian as much.

But, of course, Grian is Grian, and the second he senses he’s touched a nerve he doubles down. And so he did.

“Contract killing? Give me a break, Joel! Your contract on this guy expired ages ago, and you’re not the type to work for free.” Grian’s eyes twinkled with mischief as he continued to needle at Joel. “Admit it, there’s something else going on here, isn’t there?”

Joel spluttered, and took a deep breath as he glanced around the room. Fuck. Everyone had stopped what they were doing to listen in on him and Grian now. He had to say something to throw them off or he would never be able to live this conversation down.

“My contract might be done, but unlike some people I finish the things I start, thank you very much!”

Grian squawked in indignation, and as he did so the others chuckled and turned back to their own conversations, unfounded accusations of romance forgotten. Grian’s tendency to leave things unfinished was well-known, and something that every assassin at Magic Mountain had teased him over many times.

But that thought refused to leave his brain. It had wiggled its way in like a worm. Did he have a crush on xB? Is that why he kept coming back when any sane person would’ve just given it up already? And the answer, of course, is no. All of Joel’s actions here have perfectly reasonable and professional explanations.

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Joel waits patiently on the rooftop across from Horse Head Farmer’s Market (which, despite the name, is actually a grocery store/money laundering scheme, not a farmer’s market), rifle at the ready, just as he has been for the past three and a half hours. You can’t rush a good sniping, after all, and xB’s schedule varies enough that Joel’s never quite sure when he’ll head out for lunch. (He’s pretty sure xB has done this specifically to spite Joel- the guy’s obsessed with him.)

Yes! Finally! xB steps out of the store, starts walking down the street, and- turns to look at Joel’s rooftop, makes direct eye contact with him, and gives him a friendly little wave, the infuriatingly sincere kind that makes Joel want to kill him even more. Dammit. He’s been caught. Also, wow, even from here Joel is a little wowed by how blue xB’s eyes are. Or maybe he’s just remembering how they look, because there’s no way Joel can actually see his eyes from here. They are definitely a very nice blue, though, and oh, huh, Joel realizes that Lizzie has blue eyes, too. Maybe he’s got a thing for blue-eyed people, and- OH SHIT RIGHT HE’S KILLING THIS GUY.

Joel fires, because even if he’s been discovered a vantage point is still a vantage point. Of course, xB somehow manages to not be in the bullet’s path, just like he always does, and then he gives Joel a disapproving look, like he’s actually disappointed Joel didn’t do a better job at trying to kill him.

God, he’s so cute, Joel’s brain has the audacity to think, like it’s trying to add insult to insult to injury. To Joel’s horror, he realizes in this moment that he’s had dozens, maybe even hundreds of thoughts like this, that just slipped through the cracks and went unnoticed.

Then, xB smiles at him again before heading on his way, and Joel falls off of the rooftop. He has time to think, Oh, I’m gonna kill Grian, as he plummets towards the ground. And then, everything goes dark, and he dies.

#hitman xbeans au #gumy writes! it’s a miracle!#this isn’t the end btw it’s just a good pausing point #hermitshipping #oh also btw in this au joel and lizzie are in an open relationship #bc i couldn’t write her out for the sake of yaoi. i just couldn’t.#so instead she has a thing with cleo and joel has a thing with xb and both of them know #but lizzie doesn’t wanna hear shit abt joel’s hitman activities

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