#you enter one codependent relationship in high school and it fucks you up for the next 5 years huh

[hamletisabitch]

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#you enter one codependent relationship in high school and it fucks you up for the next 5 years huh #I'm dating for the first time since I was like 19 and I feel sooooooooooo normal #oh you're being a sweetheart to me because i had a shit day?? i feel tempted to cancel our date bc kindess is a trap #what the fuck man #how do you nicely say 'hey I've known you for two weeks but if i don't tell you about my ex who manipulated and saed me #you're not going to have any context for how I'm behaving' #i hate it here

[poppy-metal]

Punch Drunk Love!

Summary: You came back to hawkins for one thing and one thing only (or so you think), Eddie munson. Ex boyfriend, the love you left behind and never got over. You want him back. Obstacles? Damn them all.

Pairing: Eddie x reader. Steve x reader. Steddie x reader. Slight Steve x Eddie.

Word count: 18k

Cw: Toxic!reader, kinda codependent relationship dynamics, CHEATING, SMUT 18+. Poly dynamics, mean dom!eddie, soft!dom eddie, handcuffs, switch!steve. Brat!reader, facefucking, creampies, mutual masturbatiom.

A/n: s/o to @snowflakeicicles for basically cowriting this with me <3

Steve groans as their manager sets another box of movies on the counter, telling them they needed to be stocked by the end of the night or they’d be in trouble; he reflects duly on how he and Robin need to get new jobs.

He sighs as he turns towards Robin, already in the process of using a box cutter to tear the thing open.

“What if we just quit? Like totally up and left? Still think that’s an option?” He knows he’s not gonna get the answer he wants when he sees the look she’s giving him and nods, turning again before stopping in his tracks.

“Aye — wait, look,” He beckons her over, voice a whisper yell as he points outside the window, “Is that who I think it is or am I going insane?”

"Quit being a drama queen, your hair will start graying and then what would all the girls of hawkins do? Breathe a sigh of relief, probably, now that i think about it." 

robins jest has no bite to it. She just loves to pick at him. The guy really did never stop complaining, you'd think he was a teenage diva and not a twenty something man. 

She peeks over her magazine at his words, glancing out the doors. Her eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. 

"That can't be them. It's a mirage."

Inside the car outside you check your pouty red lips in your compact mirror before clapping it shut, pocketing the item and looping your arm through your friends.

Your grin is big and toothy, shiny lips spreading. "I hope we see someone we know — This town hasn't changed a wink, hun, they needed us to spice it up." You bounce on your toes as you enter the store. "Lets get top gun. I miss-" 

You pause when you see robin, who you just barely know and Steve harrington. So he really peaked in high-school then? You drop your friend's arm in favor of approaching your former friend and leaning your hip against the counter next to him, already smirking. 

"Well, well. I see being prom king didn't do you any favors, harrington. Miss me?"

Steve has to keep himself from sputtering when he sees you, swallowing thickly. Had you gotten even prettier? That was so fucked up.

He rolls his eyes as you saunter towards him, offering a quick wave to your friend before he’s focusing his attention on the girl about to antagonize him.

“Ah, how couldn’t I? You know, my heart ached to let you go, really, I’ve been so lonely without the barrage of insults from my favorite girl.” 

He says it dramatically, almost as if he was wounded, clutching his heart — before he’s raising an eyebrow, leaning forward over the counter, “What brings you back, anyway?”

You giggled at steve's dramatics, rolling your eyes and poking his chest. 

"You like my insults, stevie. They always kept you humble." You dug in your purse to pull out a juicy fruit, popping one in your mouth as you held another one out to him. This had been your thing in high-school — you offering Steve your gum, or whatever treat you'd had on you.

"Here. I'm here for summer break! I was feeling homesick, ya know? Plus I've seen everything there is to see over there. What's new around here anyway?"

Steve chuckles, watching you pop the gum into your mouth and cursing himself for how his heart races.

You had always been — enchanting would probably be the right word, irritatingly beautiful a better phrase. You're easy to be infatuated with and Steve knows it, but he’d told himself a long time ago he wouldn’t be involved lest you break his heart too.

He nods as he grabs a piece, shrugging while he pops it between his lips, “Homesick for Hawkins? Seems like college is rough on you, then—“

“Oh, not much. Everyone’s still hanging out, you know, the usual — we haven’t been seeing much of Munson, though—“ He pauses before saying his next words, wary to set you off but going ahead anyway, “Fucker got a girlfriend, can you believe it? We never see him anymore.”

You pause mid chew and mid checking out steve's newly defined muscles. Where'd those come from, anyway? your gaze snaps back up to meet his, straightening up. 

"Girlfriend. Eddie has a girlfriend? You know what? Don't answer that. I'll find out myself." 

Images of eddies skin on yours fill your mind, late nights spent in his trailer, him teaching you how to shot gun, ditching class to kiss in the woods, his reverent brown eyes looking up at you, 'you're it for me, baby.' his words flow through you.

It wasn't your place to be enraged right now. You'd left eddie as soon as you'd gotten accepted into the college of your dreams, refusing to settle in this town, and breaking eddies heart in the process. But they had been soulmates. Sure you'd fucked around since then, but an actual relationship? Going steady? Never. 

You were going to kill her. Kill whoever that bitch was and then strangle eddie munson for ever thinking he could replace you when you had always planned to come back for him. Impatient fuck. Over your dead body would be move on. 

You turned sharply. 

"Stevie, we'll have to talk some time, really. I just need to see something real quick."

Steve blinks, watching your entire demeanor change and realizing that maybe, just maybe, telling you that was the worst idea he’s ever had.

He knew about your and Eddie’s history — hell, everyone did, you were one of the oddest power couples their school had ever had. But when you broke up with him, Eddie was heartbroken, and Steve thought you had completely left the guy in the dust.

Which is why him getting over you seemed like a good thing. At the time.

Steve watches the two girls leave, anger nearly radiating off one of them, and he turns to Robin with his mouth slightly agape, “We should be concerned, shouldn’t we?”

She blinks. 

"About what?"

The bells above the door jingle as you walk in, your sweet perfume wafting through the air as you scan the crowd. Your eyes immediately find him. You stand there for a moment just staring.

He looks so different and yet so the same. Dark clothes, dark hair, but his jaw is sharper, he stands with more confidence in his posture. He's at the bar, clearly just done with performing a set, his hair a wild mess, strands sticking to his forehead, grin wild. 

your lips part and you start toward him, pausing when some blonde cretin flies in front of you and throws herself onto Eddie. Your Eddie. She squeals and you feel your eye twitch as Eddie's smile goes warm and his arms wrap around the hussy. 

The girlfriend. Right. You tap your nails on the bar, loudly enough so they'll both hear and stop being disgusting. 

"I see you've finally acquired rockstar groupie status, eds." your eyes flit to the girl when you say groupie. "Congratulations."

Eddie feels like he’s on top of the world. His band has finally started playing more gigs, and he’s finally starting to get noticed. Getting older has given him confidence, and his heart feels like it’s finally on the mend.

Sure, maybe he wasn’t the happiest with his girlfriend — You would always be on the back of his mind, poking at his brain like a thought he just couldn’t shake.

But you had made it clear you didn’t want him anymore, so who was he to deny you? He’d gone through a really rough patch, and so that’s why seeing you feels like he got punched in the gut.

The sight of you makes the whole world fall apart, and suddenly he’s realizing maybe he didn’t do a great job of getting over you.

He coughs, though, offering you a warm smile and a chuckle, even as his girlfriend’s grip gets tighter around him, “Ah, no, this is actually my girlfriend — Stella, Y/n, Y/n, Stella. When did you, uh — when did you get back in town?”

"So I heard." 

You barely stop your eyes from rolling, waving down the bartender for a drink. With a strawberry around the rim. When he slides one to you, you turn back to the pair- gag- and pop the berry into your mouth, biting into half of it. 

"I got back a few days ago. Stevie told me you got yourself a new girl. Sandra was it?" You knew it was stella. Remembered the girl from high-school as the twat who was always ogling Eddie but running the other direction whenever you'd caught her staring. So she'd made your move, huh? Bitch.

Stella sneered at you as she snuggled closer to Eddie with her leech arms and you hopped onto a barstool, crossing your legs. 

"Is this what you've been doing while I was away? I wasn't here for the full set but you look really good, eddie. I remember when it was just those 5 drunks and me at your shows. Good job, babe."

Eddie’s eyes widen as he takes you in, the hand wrapped around Stella’s waist loosening ever-so-slightly the more you lean into him.

Why was he even talking to you? He should go, take Stella and go home and try to not think about the fact that he’s never truly gotten over the girl in front of him. But that’s the coward’s way out.

Stevie. God, he was going to kick Harrington’s ass next time he saw him, “Did he? I’m sure you’ve had your fair share of relationships too, babe.“

Stella glares at you from her place on Eddie’s side, and Eddie wishes he was more oblivious to it than he actually was. Stella had always asked what would happen if you came back — looks like they were going to find out.

He chuckles, a big ringed hand coming up to rub at the nape of his neck, “Well, gee, thanks — really, I'm grateful for how we’ve come up the past few months, all of us — what about you, though? Why're you back all of a sudden?”

"Are you the Hawkins border patrol? Maybe I missed the scenery. Or the people."

You say the last part with feeling, meeting eddies dark eyes head on. You move your hair to one side of your neck so the tattoo Eddie had given you your junior year together shows. It's an image of two hearts, connected together by the stem of a rose, the thorns making the hearts bleed. It was supposed to represent how intense you made each other feel. How even though you made each other bleed with want and how you couldn't be apart. No matter what. 

"Do you still play D&D? I've actually gotten really good at it. I could probably play a game with you and not even cheat! I'm still chaotic evil, though." 

You smile at him, your feet kicking, talking to him like no time has passed and like Stella isn't even there. To you, she isn't. 

"You proud?"

“You, missing anything about this place? Sorry, but that’s the biggest bullshit i’ve ever heard."

His heart skips a beat and his words trail off when he sees the tattoo on your neck, bottom lip being pulled between his teeth. He remembers giving you that, remembers telling you it was a symbol that would stay forever, just like he would.

And he did think that. Part of him is angry, wants you to recognize that the fact that they’re not together right now isn’t his fault. But he tries to keep it together stupidly, even as the girl next to him decides to speak up.

“Oh, you play that nerd game, too? He keeps trying to get me to play it and it really doesn’t seem all that fun. He’s so cute when he’s into it, though, huh?”

Eddie’s desperately trying to steer the conversation away from this, because suddenly he’s remembering how truly chaotic evil you are and he knows that you can be a real fucking menace if you want to be.

“And, haha — yeah, ‘course i’m proud, though I doubt you don’t cheat.”

You wince at his tone, hearing the bitterness in it. Your last meeting....hadn't been sunshine and rainbows. You'd left him heartbroken and standing in the rain after a screaming match where you confessed to feeling suffocated by this town. So yeah, you guessed it was stupid to believe he'd fall for your missing this place. You'd missed him, though. 

Your eyes glide to stellas with disdain. God, her voice was grating. Like chalk on a chalkboard. Screetchy. "He is, isn't he? Just the cutest." 

You take a long sip from your drink, red lips wrapped around your straw more provocative than needed. You hum around the straw and kick your foot out playfully to knock against his shin. You keep your foot there, though, against his ankle. Cry about it, stella. 

"Cheating isn't so bad, Eddie, I keep telling you. The sooner you come to the dark side, the better, hm? S'fun over here."

It seems that your last  words are enough for Stella and she's letting out a huff, hitting Eddie’s arm with her bag before she stomps away.

“Wait, babe —“ Eddie tries to call after her, sighing as he sees her walk out the door of the bar. 

He turns to you with a disappointed look on his face, doe eyes more defeated than angry. He seems like he deflates, rubbing at his temples with one hand. Why do you have to keep doing this to him?

He turns to the bartender, sighing, “Put whatever she gets on my tab. Don’t let her go overboard.”

Then he’s turning to you again, shaking his head and pointing to the door, “I’m — im going to fix — that — and then you’re going to come over later and get all the shit you left at my place, okay?” 

His voice nearly cracks but he takes a deep breath, trying to stay calm, “You can’t do that shit, — god.” And then he’s running out of the bar, probably to console the crying girlfriend that had just ran out.

Your baby blue chunky boots clunked up the steps to eddie's trailer. You blew your bubblegum into a bubble as you knocked on his door, popping it as soon as it swung open to reveal the man. 

You chewed the juicy fruit and smiled at him sweetly, the guilt you felt for being a cunt earlier all gone. You had a game plan now. You'd make him forgive you. "Hey, eds. M'here to 'get my shit', i think is how you put it?" 

You don't wait for his reply, stepping up, knowing your proximity would make him back up, and slip inside the trailer, knowing the way to his room by heart. He still had the same posters, same guitar strung up, same bed frame. And- You smirked, walking forward and holding up his prized handcuffs with one finger. 

"You still have these? So sentimental. I missed these things, you know. Who knew people in the city could be so vanilla? Tragic, honestly." You shook the cuffs at him, teasing. You were getting a kick out of frustrating him. It would make it so much better when you made him snap.

He grimaces when he opens the door to his trailer, eyes trailing over you with a tight frown pulling at his lips.

You looked perfect, of course you did — you always fucking did, and he swears it was gonna get the best of him one day. He just hoped it wouldn’t be now.

“Yes, of course, come in, make yourself at home—“ He gestures to the inside of his trailer dramatically, heaving a big sigh as he does.

He follows you throughout the place and rolls his eyes at your comments, arms crossed as his eyes trail over you, “Yeah, Stella likes em too—“ Part of him knows he shouldn’t be saying that, but he swears only you can bring out this vengeful side of him.

“Why're you doing this, huh? Why now?”

You feel your eye twitch like an insane person at the mention of eddie using these with stella, dropping the cuffs like they'd caught on fire with a disdainful look. So he wasn't going to play nice? Neither were you then. 

"Isn't it obvious, eddie bear? I want you back." You say it lightly, like it's no big deal. You mean it though, wholly and truly. You move around him again to perch on his bed and cross your legs. "I missed you." 

You flick your eyes around the room, almost like you're bored but really because you hate being vulnerable, even now. You wanted him back because you loved him and never stopped but there was a small part of you that feared maybe this wouldn't work. Maybe he'd break your heart this time around. 

"Where's all my stuff anyway? Do you have it all in some lockbox you look back to on dark nights when you're all alone and feeling lonely. And horny."

Eddie nods, trying not to let his surprise show. Of course he knew that was the case, but he didn’t expect you to admit it so quickly.

“So what’s your game plan here, then, hm?" His voice is shaky, trying not to think back on how broken he’d felt when you left. How he truly felt like he’d never get you back, “You get to fuck up my heart, leave and come back to me when you’ve had your fill of the city? That it?”

He sees right through you, something that he knows you must realize. That’s why when he walks over to his closet, grabbing a lockbox from the top shelf and setting it in front of you on his desk, he knows the frown on your face is genuine.

“Yeah, actually, I did. Looked at it every night for the past year and cried, barely stopped — you know you can be vulnerable, you know. I see through the joking act.”

You don't like how he's acting. Sure you didn't expect a warm welcome or for him to open his arms for you immediately, but your Eddie had never been mean. Not to you. Not ever. When he sets the lockbox down you frown, scowling really. At him and at yourself. You feel the pinpricks of self hatred that you'd made him cry over you. 

But you aren't giving up. "Of course you do. You always knew me so well, eddie. Better than anyone ever could. Better than anyone ever will, probably." Maybe a sentimental and honest approach will work to open him up to you. You can give a little. 

Reaching towards the lockbox, you pop open the lid and peer inside, biting your lip as memories wash over you. There's your old pink camera, polaroids you'd taken of them together, some of your jewelry and other knick knacks. your favorite bandanna and one of your pale pink bras with strawberries on them. 

You pick up a polaroid you'd taken a while ago of them together at the premiere for a nightmare on elm street. You turn it to him. 

"I remember that night. It's when we first started dating. You took my virginity after, remember? In the back of your truck at the drive in. It was the best night of my life." 

You frown. "Did you really use the handcuffs on stella, or were you saying that to hurt me?"

He simply stands there for a second, leveling you with a loaded look: eyebrows scrunched together, pouty lips set into a line and doe eyes full of all the hurt he’d buried over the past year.

But he knows that he doesn’t hate you, knows that he never could — and he also knows that it’s killing him to act like he does.

He sighs, slumping down into the chair in the corner of his room and running his hands down his face, “Yes, I remember — I thought you were actually scared of the movie but you wanted to get into my pants; I couldn’t blame you.”

He shakes his head, angry at himself for admitting this to you, “No, shes — not into that stuff. Not like you were.”

She's a lot different than you were, he thinks, visibly distraught. She's worse.

"I was scared! Its not my fault you were all hot and protective." 

You almost grin when he admits the truth about stella, but hide it. You know you've got him hooked, the reminder of the past softening him. He won't take your back tonight, not that easily, not that soon, but that's not the objective anyway. Tonight, you just want to remind him of what he's missing, of what he'll continue to miss and never have with stella. 

You get up until your in front of him in his chair, leaning forward until your hands grip either side of the armrests, bringing your face close to his. 

"I bet she's so plain huh, your stella. I got a good look at her. Seems like the type to scrunch her nose at giving head, clutch her pearls at the thought of all the depraved shit you're into. But not me, right? No, you showed me all the wonderful things you're into, and made me love it. Tell me-" 

You walk your fingers up his clothed knee. "-Does she love your body with hers the way i did?"

He knows he should be a strong man and push you off. He should tell you to get your shit and leave, to never come back into his life because all you've done for the past year has hurt him and his heart can’t take it anymore.

That is what he’d do, if he were a strong man. But the first thing Eddie Munson will tell you about himself is that he is one weak willed motherfucker, especially when it comes to the pretty girl standing in front of him.

Which is why he doesn’t push you off, only steels his jaw and turns his head so he isn’t looking directly at you, because maybe if he can act like he was fighting it at first then he won’t feel so guilty later.

“I think you know the answer to that” His voice is strained, like he’s using all of his strength just to stay still in this chair, “She doesn’t — she doesn’t like that type of stuff. And i’m not — I wouldn’t force her into it. She's …she's not like you were. Unfortunately.” aaaand, there he goes, being weak again.

You reach up and turn his jaw so he's looking at you. You don't kiss him, but it's a near thing. Fuck, You want to. You sit on his lap instead. Better. 

"My poor baby." You coo with real sympathy. Okay, it's a little mean, because you're still jealous as hell he'd been with stella in ANY way. Kinky or not. "You must be itching to restrain someone to your bed and eat them out till' they cry. Know that always made you cum the hardest. When i couldn't move away from your mouth or your cock." 

You stroke a hand down his chest and smile when you feel him harden under you, no doubt thinking about all the times he'd had you naked and cuffed to his bed post. 

"I thought about that alot. Those city boys don't know how to fuck like you, you know? Never felt as good as it did with you."

His eyes flick down to your tits and he groans, deep from his throat — why did you insist on testing him like this?

Your mean tone has him looking at you with an unamused glare, halfway torn between angry and horny.

Still, though, his hands settle on your hips, his cock rapidly hardening as he thinks back on all the times he’d tied you up, made you take anything he gave you until you begged for a break. He remembers how pretty you looked with tears running down your face.

God, he’s so supremely fucked.

“Yeah?” His voice is shaky, fingers rubbing smooth circles into your hips, itching to grip onto the skin tyoure like he used to, “Bet they’re all vanilla as fuck, huh? Can’t make you cum like you need.”

You shiver when his fingers start to rub against your hips, your shirt riding up enough he's touching bare skin. 

You try to keep your voice steady and cool. "Was so bored I nearly fell asleep everytime." You realize how equally dangerous this situation is for you, underestimating your ability to handle him touching you again. How long before his good conscience came rushing back to him and he tried in vain to refuse this again? You needed to take all you could for the moment. 

"Only you can make me cum that hard, baby. Needed to come back for you so I could have it again. Don't you need it too? Need me?" 

You knew he did. Felt it in the way he gripped you so hard you'd have marks there tomorrow from his rings. Just how you liked it. 

"This doesn't have to be messy."

His hands keep trailing up and down your legs, getting a little closer inside each time. He’s teasing you, the cool metal of his rings probably stinging against your skin. But he knows You like it.

He’s tired of being nice, tired of being good — he could never be mean to you, no, but he could have his fair share of fun torturing you like you seemed to do with him. Again, no one brought out this side of him like you did. And he intends to make the most of it before his better mind came back.

He lets his face fall to bury in your neck, inhaling your scent in one deep breath. Fuck, how had he gone so long without it? 

“But you know how much I like it messy.” His voice is almost a growl, tongue coming out from between his lips to lick a stripe up your neck to your earlobe, catching it between his teeth for a moment.

"Eddie..." 

You couldn't help but grind down against him, eyes nearly rolling into your skull at how the zipper in his jeans caught against your clit through your pants. His mouth on your neck- 

"Jesus, you know what that does to me- you- ah! Not playing fair." 

You knew that was a stupid thing to say, like your whole reapperance in hawkins wasn't playing fair. But really, he knew what his tongue on your throat did to you. And when he took your lobe in his mouth and tugged you let out a whimper, sinking into his lap. You knew. You knew how messy he liked it, and you dug your nails into his shoulders as you rocked on his lap. 

"Get messy with me then, eds. Fuck me right here, I'll make you forget all about that dumb girlfriend of yours."

He can’t help but smirk against your skin, knowing that licking you always worked like a charm. It was one of the things he loved most about you, how sensitive you were.

“Yeah? Gonna let me make a mess of you right here, angel? How fucking dirty.”

He says it condescendingly, voice honey-sweet, hips thrusting up to grind against your cunt through your pretty panties. His hand slips down to rub at your clit,  the other gripping your hair to bare your neck for him.

“You want my cock so bad? Get it yourself, princess. I’m havin’ fun here.” He snarls it against your neck, biting down right into the skin of your stick and poke.

You bite your lip as he taunts you, melting into him. God, You wanted him. You wanted him to fuck your right here on his bed, the bed he'd probably taken stella to, since you'd been gone. You wanted to erase any trace of that bitch from eddies person. 

You felt the toxic possessiveness and jealousy overcome you, overriding your sentimental heart and the need to just be with eddie in the moment. You felt vengeful even though you didn't have a right to be, the thought that eddie had tried to forget you, had kissed and touched someone else was driving you insane. 

Pushing off his lap, you sunk to your knees, quickly unbuckling his belt and yanking it from its loops, tugging him out and giving that fat fucking cock you'd missed one long stroke. You stared up at him as you let your tongue flick over his weeping slit. 

"This is mine." You kiss his pink tipped head, knowing that'd make him lost in the sensation. When he was distracted, You moved your other hand until you found your camera. You gripped the chunky item and sneakily snapped a picture of you ,unmistakable, with eddies cock splitting your lips. 

He was too lost in your mouth to notice you putting the camera away, slipping the polaroid under the sheets in his mattress. Stella was the insecure type. She'd search his room at every opportunity for evidence of him with someone else. And she'd have a nice surprise when she came over later.

You moaned lewdly around eddies cock, drooling over it as you pulled off, spit connecting from your lips to his cockhead. 

"Want you to cum down my throat so bad. You'll give me that, yeah? For old times sake."

He swears the entire world melts around him the second you've got your hand on his cock. He’d missed it so much, missed your slender fingers pumping him until he spilled all over your face. Or your tits. Or your cunt — wherever he felt like that day, really.

His head rolls back in a groan when you kiss his head — that’d always been a sensitive area for him, one that sent shivers down his spine. You were evil to use it, but fuck did it feel good.

“God, you look so pretty with a cock shutting you up — my cock, jesus—“ Hes moaning, hips thrusting shallowly into your mouth. He’d throat trained you for a reason.

“You gonna make me?” He says it like a challenge, the grip on your hair tight. “Make me think you deserve it.”

your cunt throbbed at his words. Eddie always had a filthy mouth, and it never failed to make you leak down your thighs. Him being rarely mean with his words was a treat too. You wondered what his reaction would be when he found out you'd just ruined his relationship. your masochistic pussy just got wetter at the thought. 

"You know i can make you do anything." You preened, licking the underside of his cock like hard candy, sucking your lips lovingly down the veins on his shaft. One of your hands came up to card your fingers through the hair at his pelvis. "C'mon, eddie. Give me what i want, shoot that load you've been savin' up just for me down my throat and make me choke on it." 

You also knew your filthy mouth got him as wound up as his did to you. You sealed your lips around him and eagerly sunk your mouth all the way down, until your nose was touching his bush.

As much as he hates it, your words go straight to his cock — he always liked that you had a bit of bite to you, that you never backed down when he was mean — because you knew he never meant it.

The second you take him all the way in he’s letting out a choked off moan, his eyes nearly rolling back. One big hand comes down to tangle in your hair, pressing against the back of your head to keep you there.

“Breathe, angel, yeah, through your nose like I taught you — fuck, don’t even know how much I m-missed this,” Hes rambling, the sensation of you swallowing around his cock making his brain melt.

“Think of this all the time — think of this perfect fuckin’ mouth, just made to be filled with my cock. Shit.” He cursed at the fact that he was already getting close, the tension from the night building up.

your eyes teared up as your throat spasmed around his fat cock stuffing your throat. His words made your toes curl in your boots and you started to breathe through your nose like he taught you. 

your gag reflex protested but you fought through it, cheeks now stained with your tears, eyes watery and wet and eyeliner dripping all over as you peered up at him. 

You used your other free hand to tug on his heavy balls, gurgling around the girth in your flexing throat as you massaged the soft flesh in your palm lovingly. 

You needed his cum, would not move from this spot until you got it. Your tender throat screamed for release but that just made you widen your jaw even harder, more determined to take his hot cum straight down the closer you got to truly choking. Spit was spilling from your split lips around him, and you felt his sack tighten in your hand as his orgasm came over him. 

You could have tap danced with happiness.

The sight of you peering up at him through wet, makeup drenched lashes is what sends him over the edge, hissing as he feels his balls tighten up.

His load is thick, bigger than usual — he was ashamed to admit that Stella never made him cum hard, not the way you could. Wouldn’t tell you that the reason they didn’t have sex much was because he wasn’t into her and was always thinking of you.

He grins when it spills a bit around your lips, his grip on your hair loosening even as he’s still babbling, “Shit, fuck — so fucking good, god. Fucking perfect, needed you so bad, missed you so bad. God.”

You swallow around him easily, like you were born to do it, pulling back to place a kiss on his softening head. You lick your lips of the remnants of him and smile up at him from your place on your knees. 

"You needed that bad, didn't you baby?" You can see your time running out. As his labored breathing steadies, the lust in his eyes turning wide with guilt already. 

You run your palms up his slack legs, your smile sad now, for a lot of reasons. Eddie thought he had a relationship to go back to after this, but he'd soon realize he didn't. Working through his reaction to that particular betrayal would be another hurtle you had to jump over, but it was necessary. He'd see it all soon, when they were together again. He always loved how insane you were. 

"Feeling like a shitty boyfriend at the moment, i take it?"

As he comes down from his high, chest heaving and the adrenaline leaving his body, he feels a massive pit in his stomach when he looks down at the girl between his legs.

He can’t push you away — feels like it would be ungentlemanly to tell you to get off and out of his life after you’d just sucked the soul out of him. But he couldn’t keep doing this; he knew it.

“Sweetheart, I…” He sighs, running a hand through now slick with sweat bangs, “We never should’ve done that. I — I shouldn’t have done that. Shouldn’t have let you.”

“I’m — i’m sorry,” He has no fucking clue why he’s apologizing, just knows it’s forcing it’s way out of him, “But I can’t keep doing …this with you. It’s not fair to her. I think.. you shouldn't come back here for awhile. Not until i think things through."

You just smile serenely and nod. There wouldn't be time. You were working on your schedule, not his. 

He'd find out soon.

Steve had otherwise forgotten about your…less than happy reaction to Eddie’s newfound romance, which is why the sound of someone pounding at his door has him jumping in his seat and furrowing his brows.

He swears he’s gonna cuss the kids out if they came to bother him on the one day he told them not to—oh. It isn’t them.

He’s greeted with the sight of a smiling you, already making your way inside, a bag of McDonald’s in your hand as you do.

“Um — hello? Can I ask why you’re infiltrating my house, now?” He pretends to be bothered, but the lilt in his tone betrays him.

You sigh dramatically, breezing by him and dropping your McDonald's on his kitchen counter. The thing about having rich parents was that they were rarely home. 

"You can ask but I won't answer. Listen- woah. When did you learn how to dress?" You lower your blue tinted sunglasses to get a good look at him. "I mean, you are looking really, really good right now. Are you sure you're single? Still looking?" 

You grin and pop a fry into your mouth, offering him one as you lounge on his plush couch and kick your feet. 

"Stevie, I've done something bad, i fear. I need to clear my conscience so I can go back to being hot and uncaring."

He squints at you, perching himself on the arm of the couch as he does. You’d always come in here like you owned the place, and it’s not like his parents were ever home to care, so it became kind of routine.

He gives you a look as he grabs the fry from you, chewing it slowly. He’s looking at you like you're suspicious, which you are, and he raises a brow.

“What did you do now? Did you slit someone’s tires again? You know I can’t bail you out of that twice, right?”

He probably could, but you didn’t have to know that.

"That was one time, Steve, and they deserved it. Fuck Debra to this day." 

You jab a fry at him before eating it. You wiggle your toes in your flats as you sigh, getting serious. You did feel slightly bad, not for stella, fuck her, but for the pain your actions were about to cause eddie. 

"I went to see eddie. Met his new girlfriend. Stella, really? You let that happen? Anyway, he asked me to come pick up my stuff and yada yada i gave him head. The BAD part is that i may have, unbeknownst to him, taken a picture of said act and left it for dear old stella to find." 

When you say it out loud it sounds really bad. You know it does. Ugh. "But it's all for the greater good! Eddie doesn't even like stella. You get it right? I mean you see why i had to?"

He holds his hands up, shaking his head.

“Fuck did you want me to do? He seemed real fuckin’ determined to get over you, so I just let him do whatever the fuck he wanted! You made it sound like you were never coming back!”

He’s content to sit there and listen, fry halfway to his mouth when you drop the bomb on him and he coughs on it, looking at you like you’ve gone insane.

“Jesus christ, you really are a psycho —“ He doesn’t want to unpack why he thinks that’s kind of (very) hot, instead sighing.

“So like, what’s the game plan now? You know he’s gonna be, like, mega pissed, right?”

"Well you shouldn't have let him! Of course i was coming back. I just needed a breather from this wacko town, full offense." 

You huff and pout at his admonishment knowing he's right but always hating being scolded. He called you a brat. You called it 'dont call me out and we'll all be fine'. 

"I know he'll be mad. I just really needed to get him and stella apart, the rest will just....happen, you know. Like fate." 

You peer up at him with your puppy dog eyes, knowing their effect on him. He used to have a thing for you, You wonder if he still does. And if you can use it. 

"Don't look at me like that, stevie. He's mine. I don't share or play fair, you know that. You've become so moral all the sudden, s'kinda hot. A little annoying, but hot."

“God, you’re such a brat, you know that? Couldn’t even let the fucker figure it out for himself?” He shakes his head, narrowing his eyes when he sees your puppy dog eyes, so round and big and — shit.

He knew how Eddie felt, he really did — Steve had always had kind of a thing for you, was really confused and pretty annoyed when you got with Eddie, but he pushed it away because you both were happy.

But he remembers the summer when you left, him and Eddie both heartbroken. They’d bonded over it and one thing led to another and — it doesn’t matter now, they never talked about it again, but for a good month or so, they used each other to forget. But it was always focused on thinking of you.

“You’re so lucky I like you, yanno that?” He groans, grabbing another fry. “You play dirty.”

Him calling you a brat made you shiver a little. Maybe you always liked it when Steve lectured you, he did get all hot when he was stern, anyway. Before eddie, you'd spent more than a few nights with your hand between your legs, thinking about him. Not that you'd ever tell him that. 

"And you're lucky not to be on my bad side, harrington." You prop your feet up on the table in front of his couch, your long legs extending. "The things I'd do to you if you ever crossed me would make you shake in your loafers."

You trusted him though. He'd always been a constant in your life, even at your worst. You appreciate him even though you were terrible at showing it. 

"Why do you like me, anyway? As far as besties go, robin has me beat i think."

He rolls his eyes, faking a shiver, “Oh, i’m sooo scared, the little girl’s gonna hurt me, oh nooooo.”

He can’t help but chuckle at the glare you send his way, though your question has him shrugging while he pops a nugget in his mouth.

“Eh, you and Robin are different — she's more of like, a bro, you know? We talk about girls and everything under the sun. You’re…”

He pauses, trying to figure out where he’s going with this before he keeps talking, trying not to stammer.

“We’ve been friends forever — no matter how much I want you dead sometimes, you’re always there for me. And — I mean, okay, you’re pretty easy on the eyes, can you blame me?”

You don't know why hearing that makes you so happy. Okay, yes you do. You were a possessive person and you liked knowing you had a special place in his heart just for you. It made you all fuzzy inside. 

"Is this you admitting you have a crush on me, stevie?" You lean up so you're crowding in his space, grinning at him with your candy apple lipgloss shining. You like teasing him. The king of hawkins high could never handle you being this close to him. 

He always pulled back. Blushed and rolled his eyes or said something snarky when you went too far and you two settled back into their routine. Even when you'd been dating eddie and were fully committed and faithful you couldn't resist pushing his buttons sometimes. He just made it so easy. 

"If i wasn't so focused on eddie, I'd probably kiss you. But I don't want your pretty head on a stake, he doesn't show it outwardly, but he's the jealous type too." 

You say this unaware of the current relationship between the two men. After all, the last time you'd been in hawkins they barely tolerated each other. Eddie hated how preppy your friend was and Steve hated that you were taken by the town outcast.

Steve rolls his eyes, the trademark blush spreading across his cheeks as he looks to you, but this time, he decides maybe he won’t push you off.

“And what if I said I did, hm? What then,?” He doesn’t know what had come over him, but you didn’t know how much he’d changed over the past year and a half. And he intends to let you find out.

He leans forward, eyebrow raised, the tone he speaks in almost a challenge, “Why don��t you then, hm? Can’t pretend you don’t want it.”

At the mention of Eddie he just scoffs, unable to stop the smirk that curves his lips, entirely reminiscent of the old him. The cocky one, “Wanna know a secret? I don’t think he’d care at all — in fact, I think he’d like it.”

You blink, instinctively pulling back when he pushes forward. Your eyes go doe eyed when he actually rises to your challenge. Huh, so maybe there was something to his game after all. Who'd have thought. 

"I will. You're cocky now because i'm not but the second i do, you'll be lecturing me again. Don't dare me." 

your eyebrows pull together at his last comment, pausing where you'd been in the process of leaning back in. He was definitely implying something with that, especially with that look on his face. Like he knew something you didn't. 

"What does that mean? I mean, i know eddies bisexual but he like, detested you in high-school. Would definitely wring your neck if he knew about that super mega ultra crush you had on me."

He nearly folds at the sight of your doe eyes, knowing he’s caught you off guard — the old Steve might have been cocky, but he wouldn’t mess with someone’s girl.

But now he knew that someone was actually quite enthusiastic about the proposition.

Steve only laughs, shrugging his shoulders as he leans back against the arm of the couch, “What makes you think he doesn’t already know? That we haven’t…worked out our differences? Hm?” 

He's being vague on purpose, waiting for you to take the bait and wanting to keep you on the hook. It was almost addicting to do, see the way your face changed and got so adorably confused.

"Worked out your...." 

Your eyes go saucer wide, realization dawning. You feel many things at once. Shock. Jealousy. Anger. Possessiveness. Mostly You're just intrigued. 

"You and eddie? Together? When? How?" You leaned forward even more eagerly, gripping onto the lapels of his jean jacket so he couldn't pull away even if he wanted to. "Tell me everything right now harrington or i swear to god, ill- ill do something crazy. You know i will." 

You wanted every single detail too. Felt yourself get warm between the legs at the mere thought of your soulmate and your best friend...being intimate like that.

He laughs again when you grip onto his lapels, shaking his head and gripping your hands, lightly taking them off to place on your lap. 

“Be a good girl for once and keep them there and maybe i’ll tell you everything, hm? Thank you.”

He rolls his eyes dramatically, sitting back against the couch and tapping his fingers against the arm, “What do you want me to tell you? We both missed you and got high, one thing led to another and — well, his rings feel really good when he’s jerking me off. What’s so wrong about that?”

Alright, when did steve get good at seduction? You weren't stupid. He'd been popular for a reason, You just. You'd never had it turned on you like this. It was making you feel funny. 

You frowned as you realized you were actually doing as he instructed, keeping your hands on your lap as you looked at him eagerly. 

Your lips parted as the image he painted went through your head. Both of the most important men in your life, high and missing you, turning to each other. Eddies hands on Steve's.... 

"Eddie's seen your cock?" You didn't know who you were jealous of. Eddie for touching Steve, or Steve for being touched by eddie. You squirmed in place glancing at his crotch. "No fair. Of course there's something wrong about it. I wasn't there! I can't believe you-" you blurted then paused. "You missed me? Really? Enough to....do that?" 

Did they do more? Did they jerk off to pictures of you? Did they blow each other thinking about your mouth? You were going insane here. "Steve, i hate you. Im gonna kill you. Boyfriend stealer. Hussy. Let me see your dick now, its only fair."

Steve can’t stop the grin eating at his lips even as he tries to stay serious, the sight of you actually being good sending him on a power trip. It’s slightly worrying.

“Yeah, he’s seen it — done a lot with it, actually, but I feel like he should tell you that.” Steve smirks at you from his place on the couch, trying not to think about the fact that his cock is absolutely hardening through his jeans.

“Yeah. Let him fuck my mouth whenever he missed yours, let him talk about how much he loved you — honestly, super unhealthy, but it was really hot,” He’s not even rambling, specifically picking certain instances to tell you, ones he knew would rule your up.

“I’m a boyfriend stealer?! You’re the one who left! I missed you too, you know,” He scoffs, rolling his eyes.

Then he’s intrigued again, smirking as he spreads his legs and gestures to his crotch, “Take it out, then, princess. Work for it.”

The thought of eddie using steve's mouth when he missed yours is almost too much. Like a wire snaps in your brain and you're wrenching forward to unbuckle steves belt, snapping open his buttons and jerking your hand through the opening slit in his boxers, not bothering to pull him fully out, closing your eyes and letting the feel of his full and heavy cock fill your hand. 

Eddie had felt this weight, had stroked and licked and jerked this cock off. You felt a little mad, glaring at steve because fuck him for one upping you and pulling the rug out from under you like that with that reveal. 

"Oh, you missed me, huh." You gripped the hard length in your hand tight, almost punishingly. "It was about me, huh? Sure you didn't just like how pretty my boyfriend looked, stevie? Kinda starting to wonder why i even bothered to come back." 

You stroked up once and paused, squeezing again. "Do you even really like me or are you just a slut for any pretty face with big big eyes? Be honest."

He’ll admit he doesn’t expect you to just — go for it and pull his cock out, a long groan falling past his lips while his hips buck up to meet your touch.

Fuck. You really didn’t hold back; he breathes deeply, through his nose in a way that makes him calm, while he tries not to bust in your hand immediately.

This is what he and Eddie had talked about for countless nights, and Steve thought he’d never get to actually feel it, and now it was actually happening — fuck.

“Yes, it was about you, you fucking — god, you brat,” He groans, a hand combing through his hair as he thrusts his hips tentatively, “M’not a — fuck, not a slut. S’not my fault he’s stupidly fucking pretty. And horny.”

"M'not a brat. And you are a slut. Both of you are- I'll take care of eddie later but you-" 

You stroke your hand back down to his thick base, feeling the veins in his cock literally pulse in your hand. Eddie was thick and fat, but Steve was long and girthy. You felt your hand settle against the mess of hair at his pelvis as you gripped him, barely fitting your hand around him. 

"-Need to deal with you being naughty first. Didn't know you had it in you to be such a harlot, harrington. Letting my eddie use your mouth like it was my pussy. Did you talk about that, too? Did eddie tell you about how tight and wet i am?" 

Steve was so pretty really. In a soft kind of way, the baby fat around his face had never really gone away and it made his expression soft and sweet as he blushed. His styled hair was a mess from his hand running through it, and you shoved your free hand up his shirt to drag it up his stomach, salivating at his bare skin, his hairy chest. 

"Such slutty boys. What am i gonna do with you, huh? Am i supposed to let you cum after you went behind my back like that? Tell me what im supposed to do. Hm?"

Steve groans again, this time at how pretty your manicured fingers look barely being able to wrap around his dick. He wishes your words didn’t go straight to his twitching cock.

He let’s out a choked moan, pre-cum beading on his tip now, “I’m — fuck, we didn’t go behind your back! We just — we both missed you so much, and I wanted to know what you felt like, even if it was — shit, through him.”

He groans again, eyes focused down on you. He feels dizzy, and he thinks back to when Eddie would tell him you were insane in bed — in a hot way. He sees it now.

“I — I think you should let me cum. I’ve — fuck, i’ve been wishing for it for so long, only feels — hah — fair.”

"Hmm." 

You pretend to contemplate his pleas as you lazily work his cock. your other hand idly runs through the hair on his chest, flicking over one of his dusty nipples just to feel him jerk in your fist. "I can feel you leaking all over my hand, you know? Messy and slutty. Are you sure you haven't cum already? No? Well I've gotten kind of bored so....." 

You release his dick with a smile, even though inside you mourn the loss of him in your hand. You want him. Bad. In your mouth. In your cunt. But you're still pissed. You won't admit it's mostly at yourself, though. You wanted to be there, between them. Instead you'd been states away. 

You lean back against his couch, bringing one of your legs up and pressing your foot into his chest. "Stay there." 

You slide a hand down your skirt, scrunching it up until your lace blue panties are in view. 

"You don't mind, do you? You can't put those kinds of thoughts in my head. I have to make myself cum now, all over your couch. You can watch, but don't touch. Slutty boys don't get to touch me."

He doesn’t know why he’s not just using his strength to take what he wants — he knows he could, could easily overpower you and you’d probably like it.

But this is — fun, oddly, something he didn’t realize he’d like. With all the other girls he’d been with he had to play the overly dominant, masculine role, which he didn’t mind, all things considered.

But with you it’s different, something about letting you think you have control getting him hot under the collar. You know him, his tendencies, his true self. It makes him more comfortable.

He swears he’s salivating when he sees your panties, swallowing thickly.

“You’re — fuck, baby, you’re kidding, right? Let me — fuck, let me touch myself too, please? Need it real bad.”

You tugs the lace to the side, running your finger up your wet slit until you circle your tight little bud. 

Your foot presses harder into Steve's chest. He's solid muscle there and it annoys the fuck out of you. He's so buff he could literally toss your thighs apart like a ragdoll and shove his cock between your legs before you could even blink. But he won't.

"I don't know....my feelings are hurt, stevie. My two favorite men in the world, having each other while I had no one. S'kinda mean, don't you think? How would you make it up to me?" 

You pant as you sink a finger into your hole, your walls milking around your digit eagerly. He looks so hot, panting over there like a dog in heat at the sight of you playing with your pussy. You feel slick drip down your thighs, definitely gonna leave a wet spot on his couch, you think.

"Touch yourself. Stroke that big cock and tell me how you'd make it up to her-" You plunge your finger deeper, the sticky squelch filling the room. "-My cunt. Tell me how you'd make her forgive you."

He lets out a huff, settling back against the couch and wondering why in the hell he’s letting you do this.

“How would I — you w-werent even here! You chose to leave, we were just —“ He lets out a deep breath, “Honoring your memory. Yknow?”

His cock is hot and hard when he finally grabs it, mouth agape while he watches you fuck yourself. He wishes it was him.

“Wanna—“ He’s trying not to stammer, even though suddenly his mouth feels much drier than normal. His tongue darts out to wet his lips, soft moans slipping past his lips as he strokes his cock, “Wanna rub the head over your pretty clit, wanna fuck you so deep you cry, wanna — shit — wanna paint your insides white, cum on you and smear it i-in.”

You shake your head, refusing to talk more about it. It would only end up making you actually upset. And you couldn't admit to Steve you were only so angry because you missed them both so much and felt so guilty for leaving it hurt that they had each other without you. Even if it was also kinda hot. 

"Whatever. Shut up and jerk off." 

Your cunt clenches around your fingers at his stream of dirty talk, your eyes hazy as you watch his hand move over his cock. Lips parted and clit throbbing as you humped down onto your hand, whining loudly, unable to help yourself. 

"Of course you wanna make me cry. Always bullyin you', bet you wanna- wanna take it out on my cunt. I-i'd let you, maybe. You're so easy to push around i don't know if you can- can take what you want." 

God, this is getting you so hot. You're soaking your hand, struggling to keep your eyes open so You can see when steve paints his chest with cum. You feel your hole clench and gasp as you cum, shaking through it, pussy convulsing around your thrusting fingers, slippery with the rush of slick. 

"Oh god- S-steve, fuck. Feels so good. Wanna see you cum. Do it, do it now."

Didnt have to tell him twice. He’s groaning as he fucks into his hand, bringing it up to spit into the palm before he’s fucking his cock into his fist again, the sounds wet and lewd.

“Y-yeah? Shouldn’t test me, you know — just ‘cause I like bein’ pushed around sometimes doesn’t mean I won’t — fuck, doesn’t mean I won’t tear that little cunt apart.”

Hes embarrassed by how quickly he’s going to cum, but you're so fucking hot and getting him so hot that he can’t help it. He reaches another hand down to fondle his balls and that’s what pushes him over the edge.

The loud groan that comes from his throat is choked, eyes trained on your pretty cunt and how you look so hot when you cum. He gets an idea suddenly and points his cock down and, instead of at his chest,  his cum sprays against your pussy. He moans at how each spurt coats your folds white.

“F-fuck, knew You’d look so pretty covered in cum. God.”

You giggle dazedly as you smear the sticky white fluid into your cunt. The rush overtaking you, as you sag against his cushions. You blink up at the ceiling, biting your lip suddenly.

What does this mean for you and eddie?

He’s angry. No, he’s so beyond fucking angry — what the fuck was your deal?

Eddie swore to god he’d had his entire room torn apart by the time he woke up, an angry Stella screaming at him while she'd stood in one of his shirts.

Itd taken him a second to actually wake up to see what she was yelling about, and by the time he’d woken up enough to figure it out she was already gone, telling him to go fuck himself and that they were over.

He grimaced, eyes flicking to the object of all this anger and tilting his head when it finally came into view, eyes narrowing.

That sneaky little minx.

He quickly got up and grabbed a few things from his room, stuffing them in his bag and shaking his head as he stormed to his van, slamming every door that was in his way.

It's like he gets there in a flash, peeling into your driveway and using the old key he’d locked away to get into your house. Your parents weren’t home, they never were, which makes it easy for him to stomp up to your room, boots heavy and loud on your stairs.

He slams your door open, eyes narrowing as he shoves the picture you’d hidden in your face, his chest heaving with all of his anger, “Are you fucking insane? What the fuck is this? Quickly.”

You'd been in your room laying on your stomach on your bed, kicking your feet as you flipped through a magazine. The slam of your house door and the subsequent thundering footsteps had you rising to your knees in surprise, eyes wide when your door flung open to reveal eddie. 

You thought you'd seen him angry before. You'd been wrong. You actually felt fear for a split second as he stormed to you, before he was thrusting the picture in your face and you realized why he was here. You relaxed a little. 

"Oh, that." You pretended to look at it like you didn't already know what was exactly on it, getting up and walking to your large vanity to check your hair. You were actually nervous, but you were attempting to hide it with sarcasm. "You were there, eddie, i think you know what it is." 

You turned to face him with your hip rested against your vanity, tube of watermelon lip gloss in hand. "Or is it the concept of a blowjob you're confused about?" You calmly applied a layer of gloss against your lips, capping the tube with a loud 'snick' in the deadly silence of the room. 

"Funny considering you'd been getting quite a few of those from Steve, i hear. What's one more from me?"

Eddie blinks, chest still heaving as he considers you. You were trying to get under his skin, clearly, and if he was stronger, he wouldn’t let it affect him.

It's been established that Eddie Munson is not a strong man, though, and his cheeks flare as a renewed sense of irritation flows through him. Harrington told you; of fucking course.

“Whatever I do with Steve — or anyone, quite frankly, is none of your fucking business, sweetheart, because as I understand it, you. left. me.” He punctuates his words with steps towards you, relishing in the fact that you're caged against your vanity now.

He peers down at you, making it so you have to crane your neck to see him. He feels powerful. It’s almost addicting.

“What’s your game plan now, huh? Stella's gone, wants nothing to do with me. So what’s your big plan? Or did you not fucking think beyond fucking me over?”

Your mouth twists, not liking him bringing up the fact that he doesn't belong to you. He would soon. 

"Wrong. Everything you do is my business. Always has been, always will be." 

You falter just slightly as he corners you, your back digging into your vanity. You feel trapped in a way you're not used to feeling. And you can sense how unhinged he's feeling now. 

"My game plan....Stella was just collateral damage, eddie. My game plan has always been to come back to you. I was never gonna be gone forever." 

You soften your voice and your eyes, leaning up to wrap your arms around your neck. "We can be together now. Just like old times, yeah?" 

You hadn't planned on having this confrontation now. You would have planned better if you knew. Most importantly, you'd have made sure the cum soaked, ruined panties you'd left with at steves weren't hanging on the chair of your vanity. It wasn't like you even planned to do that with steve. It was just the heat of the moment. But for some reason you hadn't wanted to wash them immediately, so you left them there as a dirty reminder for awhile. 

You register the moment eddie sees them and feel all your confidence slip away. Oh no.

He’s seething, he swears he is. Every breath he takes is labored, like he’s holding himself back from doing something — what, he doesn’t know.

But it’s evident it’s not going away anytime soon when his eyes flick to the chair next to them and he sees cum ruined panties —male, cum ruined panties, not something you could do on your own. And he has an inkling of whose cum it could be.

He grips your arms and unhooks them from his neck, sets them at your side and gives you a scathing look, like he dares you to try again. You don't.

He reaches out to hook the wet piece of fabric around his finger, bringing it over to hold in front of your face and raises his eyebrows.

“Fuck is this, then, hm?” His tone is clipped, short, reminiscent of the calm before an intense storm, “I do encourage you to be honest with me, so let me rephrase — whose cum is this? If everything i do is your business, everything you do is mine.”

It's strange to feel powerless. You'd felt in control every step of the way since your return to hawkins. In control in eddies trailer, in control at steves house. But now, with your own actions being thrown in your face with no way to back out you balk. 

Hello consequences, nice to meet you. You're faced with the very real possibility that depending on how you respond, you could lose not only eddie. But Steve as well. 

"Steve's." Your voice is honest and soft. Because he's right. It is his business. That's how they worked. "He told me what happened between you two after i left and- one thing led to another-" 

your bottom lip trembles a little, but you won't cry. You can be a big girl and face the music. The very scary, hot music. 

"I got turned on. And jealous. And sad. I don't know how it happened, I just wanted him to tell me everything. And then he started talking about how you used eachother to remember me....please dont hate me." 

You really would do anything for his forgiveness. You just hoped You hadn't pushed too far this time.

He nods, letting go of a breath he didn’t even know he’d been holding. He calms down, if only slightly, because at least you're being honest.

He nods along with your words, big hands and long fingers tapping along your hips as he does. It’s not for your pleasure, but more for his amusement.

“Fucking Harrington — whatever, i’ll deal with him later,” And that’ll also probably end in sex, he thinks, because Steve is nothing if not a fucking minx.

“But right now, i’m dealing with you,” He looks down his nose at you, pointing. “What to do with you, hm? You betrayed me, baby, you really did, but I could never hate you. It’s my own fault. But I can torture you. In my own way.”

He pauses, letting you anticipate things for a moment before he’s gripping your hips and tossing you on your bed, fishing in the bag he’d thrown on the floor. Bingo.

He grabs his handcuffs, already starting the process of cuffing you to your headboard, “Tell me if it’s too tight.” He was mad, but he wasn’t trying to hurt you.

"Don't deal with him without m-" You zipped your lips on second thought, thinking you'd dug your grave enough tonight. 

You squeak like a mouse when he picks you up and tosses you onto your bed, bouncing on it as you stare up at him in anticipation and fear and trust all combined. Those stupid cuffs make your thighs clench immediately, cunt remembering what they meant. 

"N-no they're fine." Your voice is meek. Docile. You haven't used it in almost two years because it had only ever been reserved for eddie. Only he saw this side of you, steve had seen a small glimpse, but this was your submitting wholly. 

You tugged on the cuffs to test their strength and found them strong. You were officially at his mercy. You squirmed on the bed and gave him your best doe eyes. 

"What're you going to do to me...." You paused and then added. "....Sir." 

You were genuinely curious and a little worried. Torture could mean anything from making your cum so hard you wished you could stop, or him not letting your cum until you cried. Or even worse. Making your talk about feelings.

He smirks down at you, the show of submissiveness making his cock twitch in his jeans. He may be mad, but he was always able to appreciate how hot you were when you let yourself be a good girl.

“I don’t know yet, angel…” He shrugs, shaking his head as he paces in front of your bed, intending to make you as nervous as possible.

“What do you think, hm? Think you’ve been a good enough girl that you deserve for me to make you feel good?” His tone is condescending, almost mocking, but honey sweet.

“Actually—“ He laughs, clapping his hands together like he’d just figured out what he’s going to do, “I know just the thing.”

He’s descending on the bed then, grinning to himself as he hovers over you, “I’m going to do whatever I want to this little cunt until you’re crying —“ He pats your pussy through your jeans, “And youre going to tell me why you decided to cause so much trouble. If you stop, I stop. Capiche?”

Your eyes nearly roll back into your skull. He was so hot when he got a little mean. Something about him actually meaning it this time was gonna drive you insane. You didn't know how you'd live through this physically without opening a third eye or reaching a higher state of being or something. 

The whimper you let out when he patted your cunt through the fabric of your jeans was obscene. Even as panic laced through your at this other words, fuck. You were hoping he'd skip over the whole admitting to deep feelings part and just fuck your stupid. 

Consequences. Right. 

"O-okay." You peered up at him through your lashes as he leaned over you, his dark hair framing his face making him look like some fallen angel. "I understand, sir." 

You try to start explaining from the start but don't know how. You're sweaty and horny and nervous all at once, twisting helplessly in the cuffs as he looks down at you. 

"I-i just. W-wanted you back. That's the truth, i promise! Just hated this town n wanted a breather. Wanted to find myself....d-didnt mean to hurt you so bad. Missed you so much..."

He nods along with your words, practically ripping your jeans off as he does. He’s desperate, more than you realized.

Suddenly he’s cursing the fact that he always has to wear so much fucking stuff, groaning as he unbuttons his pants and discards them somewhere on your floor. It takes too fucking long if you ask him.

“Duly noted,” He comments, quickly removing his rings and setting them on his desk before he’s pressing two fingers to your mouth, ordering you to “suck”.

Once he’s satisfied he’s putting them both inside you at once, scissoring them in and out and narrowing his eyes when he realizes you're not talking anymore.

His fingers stop, and he lifts his head to meet your eye, “Okay? I didn’t tell you to stop talking — go on or you get less prep, too.”

Your body jerks down the bed as he yanks your jeans down, the cuffs biting into your wrists. The motion sends the chain necklace hidden under your top flying  out against your chest, the glinting promise ring he'd given your years ago flashing. 

You gasp wetly when he coldly sets his rings aside before your lips are wrapping eagerly around his digits, whining when he pulls them out, your legs widening on instinct for him as he plunges them inside you. You're embarrassed at how wet and slick you are, the sting of being stretched so suddenly only making your moan.

Thighs trembling when he stops. You try desperately to collect your thoughts enough to speak, wanting to be good for him so he forgives you. You'd take his cock now anyway, with barely any prep just to feel the burn of him filling you again, but you want to give him what he wants. Even if its hard for you. 

"M-missed you every day i was away. I-I wanted to leave with us still together, wanted t-to become something and then come back for you....but i w-was stubborn and couldn't talk to you like a grown up, couldn't tell you i wanted to get married one day and have babies and be gross- uhhh- so i made you hate me instead, m'sorry." 

You hump your hips down on his hand, trying to make him move, tears already collecting on your lashline because you just want him inside you already. You missed him. Missed his cock. It was yours, he was yours. 

"Please- didn't mean to hurt you. Please, i just love you, love you so much."

He hates how quickly he folds for you — he’s starting to accept the fact that, where you were involved, he would never be a strong man. And maybe that’s okay.

He sighs to himself, already leaning forward so he can pump his fingers in again, pace almost punishing as he adds a third one — he had to get you prepped, he was thick.

“So you were always gonna come back?” His voice is low, almost awestruck — had he really gone through all that to get over you when you never intended to get over him in the first place? 

He gives you a soft smile, then, trying to reassure you that he wasn’t as mad anymore — sure, he’d have to tell you to never be that psychotic again, but he also knows that’s why he loved you so much. It was a give and take.

“God — I love you too, angel, I love you so so much — breathe, okay? S’gonna hurt at first, know those assholes in college probably had small cocks—“ He’s saying it to make himself feel better, even though he’s probably right, slipping his fingers out to lick your juices off before he starts to line his cock up.

You nod eagerly, splaying your thighs so wide for eddie they hurt but you don't care in the slightest. 

"Uh huh. Always gonna come back for you. Can't live without you-" 

His smile makes your eyes wet all over again and You lean up, straining against your cuffs to give him a kiss, knowing you had him. You were probably still in trouble for the Steve thing, but for now, it was about them, and he loved you.

"N-no one was as good as you- no one. Missed your cock. Thought about it stuffin' me every night- love it, love it as much as you eddie, i need it-" 

You hiccup on your words as you feel the blunt head of him at your hole, biting your lip raw as he pushes in. He's so thick. You start shaking immediately, tears slipping because it feels like he's tearing you open but you love it. You missed it. 

"Eddie, please. D-dont torture me anymore, i learned my lesson- love me please."

“God, I love when you’re such a fuckin’ sap, you know that?” 

He signs against you, leaning down so he can press a kiss against your pillow soft lips, bottoming out in one go.

He knew it would hurt but he also knew you’d like it, you always had — he thought you were crazy, and maybe you were, but he never really cared.

He moves his lips against yours as he stays there, itching to move but wanting to make sure you're okay first, “Shh, baby, I love you so much, okay? You got me, m’yours, never gonna leave you—“

He has to take another breath, almost choked, “God, this pussy is so good, fuck — can I move? Please? Needa fuck you, feel like i’ve been missing it forever.”

Your eyes crossed in that way they did when he hit that gooey spot at your center, his cock filling you to the brim. Brain completely shutting off all function as you whined so loudly. 

"Move, move. Fuck me, baby. Fuck me for all the time i made you miss this cunt- please. Need to feel it-" 

You pulled your own knees up, your pink sneakers and socks still on, your toes curling in your rainbow colored socks, golden anklet dangling around your foot as you propped them on either side of his shoulders. 

The position widened your cunt and you moaned like a whore at how wide and exposed you felt. You could only imagine how you looked down there, wet and folds straining around his thick cock splitting your open as wide as you'd go. When he started moving, your feet swaying in the air next to his head, you started babbling even more. 

"G-god. Love you, love you, love you. M'gonna die i love being fucked by you so much, please, please."

He almost forgot how good you looked when you were opening yourself up for him, letting yourself go mind numb and slutty.

He doesn’t have to be told twice, hands traveling from the sides of your head to the notches in your knees, big hands gripping them to spread your fartyour.

He works up to punishing thrusts but he knows it’s what you like, let’s himself pound into you until his pelvis is grinding down into your clit and the sound of his heavy balls slapping against your ass echo throughout the room.

“God, love you so much, love this pretty fucking pussy—“ Hes groaning, babbling, just as fucked dumb as you is at this point.

He grins when he hears the wet squelch of your cunt around him, just encouraging him to give it to you harder, “You hear yourself, baby? You missed me, just as much as I missed you, fuck, could fuck you like this forever—“

You might be embarrassed if you weren't so turned on. 

"Pl- missed you so much- my pussy missed you so much-" 

Your fists clench in your restraints, feeling overwhelmed about the fact that you have to lay there and take it. 

"Make me take my pounding- oh, oh, never gonna leave again, just keep me here forever-" 

Just the thought of it, of eddie keeping your tied up and using your cunt whenever he wanted has you dripping around his cock fucking into you again and again. It's a fantasy but its a hot one, especially after the circumstances. Eddie making sure you could never go anywhere again, chained up and splayed open to take his cock like you were meant to. 

You open your mouth. "S-spit. Spit in my mouth, ah! Please."

His bangs are sticking to his head, sweat slicking his skin and the groan you pull out of him feels like it’s fucking unholy.

The thought is a fantasy, of course, some depraved thing he’d never actually do, but fuck if he didn’t like the thought of you always ready and open for him, just waiting to take his cock whenever he wanted.

His eyes flit down to yours and he nods, immediately pursing his lips and leaning down so he can drip his spit into your mouth, leaning down to lick across your lips.

“S’that  good, baby? How’s my spit taste, huh?”

His words are dirty, accentuated by the filthy sounds of fucking that fill the air.

“Cum on my cock, baby, cmon, show me how much you missed me, okay? Soak my cock, angel, s-shit —“ He needed you to. He didn’t know how much longer he’d last.

"Tastes so good sir, mm" 

your lashes flutter and its like your cunt can't help but follow his orders, clenching around him as you cum. It feels so good, you missed this so bad. The cuffs rattle against the headboard as you tremble and shake your feet crossing behind Eddie's neck. 

"Cum, cum in me, please. Wanna be full of you-" 

You wanted to feel it splash inside you and fill you up, wanted to keep it inside you, filling you up and keeping you warm. Your skin was flushed and your chest was heaving and you lay limp and let your body he used like a fleshlight for him to dump his cum into.

He doesn’t have to be told twice. He folds himself over your when he feels himself about to cum, hips pumping into that little cunt like he’s trying to break it.

He wants his cock to get as deep as possible, wants his cum to go into your womb — the evil part of him thinks that maybe he could baby trap you, but he pushes that down immediately. He’s not that evil.

But he’s ashamed to say the thought is what makes him deliver his last thrust, cum spurting and painting your walls white.

He's panting above you, the hot cum thick and he doesn’t even want to pull out cause he wants to keep it there. But he does, fingers coming down to push it back in, ignoring your hiss of sensitivity.

“Fuck. You looks so fucking pretty all wet and puffy, you’re lucky i’m exhausted or id make you go another round.” 

He drops down next to you on the bed, fingers still stuffed inside you to keep his cum there. He kisses your sweaty forehead as you curl against him. You're obviously too out of it to talk, but he knows you'll have to. Know it'll be messy and painful, but. He thinks you'll both come out okay.

He's not letting you go. Never again.

You knock on Steve's door, tapping your big chunky black boots against his steps, fishnets pulling against your thighs. You snuggled more into eddies flannel around you as you waited. 

You just hoped you could clear the air, perhaps ask your good ol' friend a favor and ask him not to bring up what happened between them to eddie. Sure, he already knew about it. But you didn't want any awkward tension between them, especially since you and eddie were back together. It should be fine right? Steve had fucked loads of girls and had it mean nothing. And they hadn't even fucked, really! So it should be greattttt. 

When he opened the door you smiled tentatively at him. 

"Hey best friend in the whole wide world, you look great today by the way, did you do something with your hair? It looks really nice. Anyway! Can i come in?"

The second he opens the door he’s giving you a once over, no longer feeling it necessary to hide how blatantly he checks you out.

You look hot, and he swears he’s almost choking on air when he sees your fishnets.

His mouth opens, then closes again when he hears your words, brows furrowing as he moves out of the way to let you in.

“What did you do? You never ask to come in, you always just come in — and you’re complimenting me. Why are you complimenting me?”

your eyes come together in a squint as you pout. It's not something you can just come out and say, is it? You need to work up to it. Him checking you out isn't helping matters at all, making your skin flush. 

"Have you no faith in me? Why must I have done something to compliment my friend? Do you only like to be degraded? "

You push past him now and nervously perch on the armrest of his couch. You can't sit on the cushions where they'd touched themselves in front of each other, even though he's probably washed them by now. 

"I, uh. Have an update on the Eddie and me situation, is all."

“Because you’re never nice to me? Because even when we were like, five, you’d come up to me and then call me ugly and steal my snacks? I think I know my best friend by now.”

He squints at you, walking closely behind you and settling on the recliner next to the couch. Those cushions felt too — intimate, now.

It wasn’t like their relationship had changed — had it? He doesn’t even know if he would be ready for that, he didn’t expect any of yesterday to happen and—

Oh. “Oh, uh—“ His throat feels thick, “What is it?”

You kick your feet and hum, thinking the casual route is the best option. Cool as a cucumber. Cum. Steve's cum on your panties. Okay- 

"We're back together. Basically. Uh, i won't get into the details of how that happened. But, yay!" You waggle your fingers in the air but then drop them and frown, glancing at Steve guilty. 

"I guess....I was just hoping. We could keep what happened, you know. Between us?" 

Eddie already knew about it, but you didn't want steve being weird about it. You pushed down the part of yourself that let it happen in the first place, the part of you that gotten lost in the moment. You didn't want any more problems between you and eddie. Any more drama. You'd promised to be good.

He frowns, blinking at you for a few seconds. Was he just supposed to forget everything now?

“Okay, pause—“ He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose before he’s leaning over his knees, elbows on top, “So. You’re back together, yeah, cool, whatever, but—“

He pauses, then. Why was he upset? And why was he jealous? Of Eddie or of you he didn’t know, and he absolutely was not in the right state of mind to accept that it was definitely both. 

“It’s — okay, yeah, whatever. Yeah, fine, forget it. It didn’t even mean anything.”

Hes bluffing, of course he is, but he’s hurt, and one thing Steve Harrington hates is vulnerability.

You frowned. This is what you wanted but his wording didn't sit right with you. It niggled at your brain and even though you knew you should leave it, you couldn't. 

"It might have meant nothing to me, but it definitely meant something to you. I know you've had a thing for me for years, steve." 

You smoothed your hands down your shorts. Honestly, who did he think he was fooling. Just because you DEFINITELY didn't feel the same (You couldn't right? You had eddie again) didn't mean you were oblivious to his pining. 

"Not that that matters, anyway. I know this hurts you, is my point. But thanks for being so cool about it. You're the best steve." 

You smiled at him extra sweetly.

He can't stop his jaw from dropping slightly, eyebrows knitting together in a scowl, both confused and mildly angry.

“Im — excuse me? You do know that you also let me cum all over you, right? Like, that definitely wasn’t just a me thing.“

He's seething. He definitely feels it, fire flowing through his veins. You were compensating, he knew that, but fuck if it didn’t piss him off.

“Yeah,it fucking hurts to be thrown to the side like that, but I think you should also probably evaluate why the fuck you even wanted to in the first place. You’re throwing stones from a glass house.”

You flush angrily and pop up, hating being called out. God, why did everyone wanna make you own up to things?

"I'll throw stones at you! What does that even mean? I got horny, so what? You were talking about eddie, the boy i love. Of course i was gonna be into it." 

You can't think about his cock, or how it felt to have him talk about wanting you. You're not allowed to be that greedy when you just got eddie back. You can't allow Steve to think you liked him at all, or he'd intervene. 

"Look. Just. We both agree to keep it between us? I'm sorry it hurt you but what do you want from me? You know I can't like you back. I'm with eddie. You can't ruin that for me just because you have a crush." 

Maybe if you were mean enough he'd stop having feelings for you and then they could go back to being friends and you and eddie could be in love and everything would be fine.

“You know what? Whatever, deny whatever the fuck you want, it’s not my grave to dig.“

He shakes his head, leaning back in his recliner again and averting his gaze from your. He was tired, and he knew you could tell.

Part of him knew he had little right to be angry — You didn’t like him back, whatever. But it felt like he’d put his heart out there and you’d simply thrown it to the side.

“Sure, whatever. But know that this—“ He gestures between the two of them, “Is not the same now. Don’t come over late at night when you’re bored and want to watch movies, don’t come bug me at the store, don’t offer to help babysit the others with me. I’m done.”

He lets it hang in the air, knowing you won’t go down without a fight but needing to get his peace out.

You felt your heart clench in your chest. He looked so disappointed in you and you didn't know how to fix it. Why couldn't things just go back to how they were? 

You stomped your foot. "Why are you making this such a big deal? It never was before...."

He looked seconds away from tossing you out of his house and you wanted to scream. You didn't wanna think about why you felt so upset by him not wanting anything to do with you anymore. 

"You hook up with loads of girls and it means nothing, just let it be like that. You can't be done with me, you can't just make that choice."

“Those loads of girls aren’t—“

He stops himself. How would he finish that? ‘Aren’t you?’ ‘Aren’t the girl i’ve had a crush on for years?’ ‘Aren’t the girl I jacked off to pictures of with your ex boyfriend?’

“They aren’t my best friend. And I can make that choice, actually. I’m quite literally making it right now.”

He takes a deep breath before standing, already moving to sweep open the door.

“I’ll see you around, yeah? Have fun with Munson for me.”

You're snuggled against Eddie like a little kitten, happy but still feeling guilty about your conversation with Steve earlier. You hadn't told Eddie about any of it. Mostly because he said he wanted to deal with steve, whatever that meant, and your going over there and breaking his heart probably wasn't something he'd be okay with. You wondered what eddie's reaction would be to all the hidden drama between you and the other man. If he knew that you had strung along not only him, but Steve too? You didn't think he'd be happy. 

You were just glad Steve agreed to keep quiet about it. The guilt would go away, surely. So would the feelings.

Steve mulled it over for hours after you'd left, trying to get rid of the guilt that consumed him for screwing Eddie over and the anger that filled him when he thought of what you had said.

That decides it for him, he thinks, and he's grabbing his jacket on the way out of the house with a scowl on his face. Eddie deserved to know -- and Steve thought he should tell him.

And then he's surprised when he's knocking on Munson's trailer only to see you cuddled up on the couch, already asking him to come back to cuddle -- he breathes deeply, trying to keep his features and voice in check.

"Hey, Munson -- lemme come in real quick? It'll only take a sec, just wanna talk."

Eddie's on top of the world, really -- he's got his girlfriend back, his ex had finally stopped throwing shit at his trailer to fuck with him, and he wasn't being hunted by practically half the town anymore. He thinks he's living the life.

Which is why he's all smiles when he opens the door and greets Steve, already moving out of the way to invite him in.

He registers that Steve looks a little off, but doesn't think much of it because, why would Steve be upset? They'd gotten a lot closer since...last summer, enough that Eddie could say that he's one of his best friends. So nothing bad, right?

"Yeah, dude, come in! What's up?" He grins, looking from Steve to you and painfully missing the tension, "Everything alright?"

You're giving steve 'im going to murder you' eyes over eddies shoulder. Already you know this can't be good for you. Steve looks vindictive and you don't know how to stop the words from coming out of his mouth.

You stand up, smiling.

"Oh my god, did you guys have plans? Eddie, you should have told me, silly. I'll just leave you to it! Call me when you're done!" You scurry to grab your bag and sling it over your shoulder.

The way you see it, You can't stop Steve from spilling, but you can definitely run from the fallout. Maybe regroup. Explain to eddie later when Steve wasn't there, your side of things once you thought of a suitable enough lie.

Steve's immediately stepping back and throwing his arm out to stop you from leaving, blocking the door and crossing his arms as he looks from you to level with Eddie.

"Did you know?" His voice is tight, jaw set. He sees Eddie's confused face and he has to stop the laugh that threatens to come out, only shaking his head.

"About her and I? Did she tell you?" The flash of recognition on Eddie's face has his other words fading off, his brows furrowing. No way you'd told him?

Eddie's in shock for the first few seconds, trying to process what the fuck is happening between his best friend and his girlfriend. Should he be concerned?

But then Steve speaks and, yes, it takes Eddie a second, he isn't the brightest guy in the world, but he quickly catches on and nods, laughing softly.

"Oh -- dude, yeah, she told me yesterday when we -- it doesn't matter. Why do you seem so upset about it? I thought you guys were on cool terms now."

Eddie looks from the other boy to you, eyebrows knit together, "Right, babe?"

You feel something in you shrivel and die. Eddie was about to find out how even more of a cunt you were than he thought.

You bit your lip, glancing at Steve and then at Eddie and then at the ground, kicking your shoes against the floor as you shuffled back to the couch and sat on it, looking at neither of them now. How best could you sugarcoat all this?

"Um." You tucks some hair behind your ear. "Depends on your definition of fine? Like do we have a mutual understanding? Uh uh! Right, steve?"

You plead with him with your eyes to leave it at that. He used to always cave for those. Please don't tell my boyfriend im a manipulative cunt and I played with your feelings, he'll skin me alive! You don't want the girl you're secretly in love with skinned alive, right? You hoped that's all conveyed in your gaze.

He contemplates it, he really does. Contemplates caving in to those pretty eyes and lying to save your ass.

And then he remembers what happened between you two, the things you had said after practically admitting you returned his feelings, and that's all he needs to avert his gaze. You couldn't get him with the eyes if he didn't look.

"Yeah, mutual understanding. Mutual understanding that we're not friends anymore because apparently it meant nothing to you and only something to me, and that I should just get over what happened because you're happy with Eddie again and that's all that matters. Right?"

He's looking at Eddie as he says it, eyes trained on the other's.

Eddie, for his part, tries not to let the shock show on his face but he's never been particularly good at hiding his emotions.

His eyes flick from Steve, to you, to Steve, then back to you again. How much had you left out when you'd told him about your and Steve's talk? He thought it went well.

"Oh," Is all he can say, trying to work through the confusion he's feeling.

"Um -- explain, please baby? The truth this time."

Drats. There was no wyoure to run then. You could only really blame yourself, but still. You wanted to pout. But you knew that would only make it worse.

"Eddie, um." your voice is quiet, tinged with regret. "Steve and i....well. We have, sort of. A past i guess? But i love you. I do. You know i do. I just- i told steve i liked him back, when we- when we hooked up. I don't know why."

The thing was you did know why. You'd denied it for years, because you'd had Eddie, and didn't want to be greedy. But you had feelings for steve. But you couldn't say that now, could you?

"I don't know the truth." Yes you did. The truth was you were in love with two men at the same time but didn't want to say it. "I love you eddie. Im sorry. I didn't wanna tell you because i didn't want you to think i was.....hurting more people."

You shrugged. "I told steve i chose you, basically and he took it bad, is all."

Steve only stands there with his arms crossed, looking at Eddie with raised eyebrows as if to ask if he really believed you.

Eddie meets Steve's gaze and sighs, because he really wants to believe his girlfriend and have this all blow over but he knows he can't. The two people who knew you best were standing in this room and they both knew you were lying.

"I said to be honest.," He runs ringed fingers through his hair, giving you a look laced with disappointment while his big brown eyes plead, "Please? You're hiding something."

He didn't think you didn't love him -- he knew you did, he would never not be secure in that, but you were holding something back, and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

"I'm not mad, just -- please."

You're ashamed to feel tears burn your eyes. You hate crying. Emotional crying anyway. Especially when you spent two hours on this whole smokey eye look, fuck.

"Fuck you. I spent ages on this makeup." You direct your words at Steve, glaring at him like it's his fault for making you have feelings. You look at eddie and soften, seeing he really doesn't look angry with you. "I love you eddie. That's the biggest truth. I just- don't want to hurt you anymore. I've hurt you enough and i can't be greedy anymore, or I'll truly be the worst person alive. But, but."

You look at Steve again with your watery eyes and hope he feels guilty for making you cry. He's so mean. And he called you the mean one. Haha.

"I love Steve too. I think i have f-for awhile." your lip trembles. "M'sorry eddie. M'the worst girlfriend alive."

Oh shit.

Okay, steve didn't expect that -- not at all, actually, and he has to quickly pick up his jaw from the floor because holy shit, You what? You actually liked -- no, loved him back?

He thinks he's stunned into silence and, for once, needs Eddie to pick up and speak for him. Plus, he really does feel bad for making you cry, and he wants to go over and comfort you, but he swears he feels rooted where he stands. What the fuck?

Eddies eyebrows furrow, body immediately moving to where you are sitting to wrap his arms around you. He hates seeing you cry, even more so when he's part of the reason why.

"I love you too, angel, always, why wouldn't I? Nothing you could ever do could stop me from--"

He swears his whole world gets thrown off its axis. You -- loved Steve? And him? He searches in him for the anger he's probably supposed to be feeling, or jealousy, but it comes up...empty.

He knows it would be there had this been anyone else, but he can't deny the feelings he'd harbored for the other man just a few months prior. If you wanted them both, why would he deny you?

"Guess he is kinda pretty, huh?" He's trying to lighten the mood, swiping away a stray tear with his thumb, "You're not awful, angel, could never be -- I don't mind sharing. I think I even kinda like him too." He turns, eyebrows raised, "So, Harrington. Whaddya say?"

You lean into Eddie's touch immediately, wanting to crawl into his lap, so you do. You can't believe you're lucky enough to have someone like him. He should be throwing you out, and banishing you from his trailer but instead he's saying You can have what you want? That he wants it too?

You turn from where you'd buried your head in his neck to peek at steve. "H-he is pretty." You swallow. "When we....i made him touch himself and tell me about the things you guys did. Was mean to him until he got mean back. I-I really liked it eddie."

You turn to look up at him with your big eyes, jutting out your bottom lip.

"For some reason, i can never be a brat towards you. Wanna be your good girl. That's why i didn't tell you. Didn't wanna disappoint you. A-and i was embarrassed because...didn't want you to know how much of a brat i can be."

You squirm as your eyes turn to Steve again. "And i didn't want you to know how much i liked being dominated....was too embarrassing. It's easier to just be a bitch. But i love you, steve. Come here?"

He's a broken down man, truly, because the second you turn to him with those big eyes and pouty lips he's nodding, walking towards his two friends -- lovers, now? -- with a slight roll of his eyes.

"So I had to do all this for you two to finally realize your love for me? We coulda saved so much time, y'know--" But he's smiling, softly and fondly because he's unable to help himself. How'd he get so lucky?

The mention of their time together has him gulping, heat rushing to his face, "She's a real brat, Munson -- how the hell do you calm her down so quick? Swear it's like I look into those eyes and I'm putty." But then he's smirking, an idea coming into his head, "Wanna show me?"

"You know, Harrington, I don't think you've ever had a better idea--" Eddie's grinning, big and goofy and way more cocky than he should be.

But he has a hot boyfriend and a hot girlfriend, so how could anyone blame him? He's literally living the good life.

He turns to you, planting a kiss on your lips before he's speaking gently, "How 'bout it, angel? Wanna show Stevie how to tame the beast?" He says it teasingly, wiggling his eyebrows, but his voice is low enough to show that he means it, "Bet he'd get a kick out of it. Maybe we'll even let him join."

He locks eyes with Steve before leaning forward to kiss him, too, smirking at the bright blush on the boy's face, "See? He likes it."

You felt yourself heat up at their kiss, nodding eagerly at the idea of Eddie showing Steve how he made you melt. You were a little embarrassed at the thought of Steve seeing your turn so slutty, but mostly excited.

When they pull back You're leaning forward to kiss Steve yourself, moaning loudly into his mouth before pulling back and settling into Eddie's chest.

"W-wanna show him how good i can be." You put on your signature pout and stick one of your feet out, again, pushing it against steve's shoulder. "You're not allowed to make fun me, kay? I'll bite your head off."

You think you'd actually like it if he made fun of you, taunted you a little, but you'd die before you willingly admitted you fantasized about being bullied by him. He could figure that one out himself.

"Eddie, please." You were already starting to get desperate, grinding back against him. "T-touch me now. Wanna be touched."

Steve swallows hard, nodding his head and feeling dazed after the two kisses -- is this how he was gonna feel every time? Hazy and feeling drunk off of just one kiss?

He's watching, eagerly trying to eat up everything he can about the way they interact -- so he can learn, of course.

Your begging is like music to eddies ears, ringed hands running up and down your sides to tease you a bit before he's pushing your shirt up, letting your tits bounce free. You didn't wear bras when he was around.

"Aren't they so pretty, Stevie?" His voice is taunting, more towards you than him, but it looks and feels so good to be in control of both of them right now. Addicting, almost.

"She makes the prettiest sounds when you just..." He trails off, fingers tweaking one of your nipples and grinning at the needy whine he receives.

"Wanna see her get really worked up, though?" At Steve's eager nod he quickly unbuttons your shorts and shimmies them off along with your panties, letting them fall to the floor. He brings his hands down to rip along the seam of your fishnets, creating the perfect opening for his fingers to descend upon your clit, moving in slow circles.

You tremble and want to kick your feet, but steve is wrapping a hand around your ankle and squeezing it, his brown eyes fixed where eddie is playing with your little bud. He looks ravenous.

He meets your eyes and smiles, wolfish.

"You have a lot of groveling to do with that little pussy, I think."

"Mm, she does." Eddie agrees from behind you, "to both of us. Better strap in sweetheart."

Welcome fucking back to hawkins.

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson smut #steve harrington x reader #steve harrington smut #steddie x reader #stranger things x you #stranger things x reader #stranger things fandom #eddie munson fanfic #steve harrington fanfic #eddie spaghetti #stevie #steve x reader #eddie x reader #eddie munson #steve harrington

[wonuwrites]

Seventeen as Songs From “The Tortured Poet Department: The Anthology.”

A/N: this album is fucking amazing and has inspired me to write so much. So the way I’m doing this is giving a member a song + a lyric with a mini drabble. In future I might do Song Reactions for a few of these songs *cough* Down Bad and Fortnight *cough* but until then I’m doing it like this. If anyone wants more writing of said drabbles please request it 🫶

Also before I get to warnings let me just say: this is 100% fictional and not at all how I think any of the members are irl. This album doesn’t portray the make counterpart in good light that much (minus But Daddy I Love Him, The Alchemy, + So High School.) however I'm in a angsty af mood so I’m writing it. If you hate it, im sorry. I just have to write it to process my grief. ALSO: not all of them are going to be hella angsty but most will be because this album is unhinged

Warnings: angst (not everyone's though: 96 Line + Joshua is lowkey cute,), Jun's is NSFW so Minors DNI, mentions of alcohol, breakups, heartbreak, codependency, pledis, i also wrote some swear words so if you hate bad words: this album and my writing is not for you lmaoooooo

ღ S. Coups: The Bolter "With a quite bewitching face Splendidly selfish, charmingly helpless Excellent fun 'til you get to know her Then she runs like it's a race."

Seungcheol woke up to an empty bed and couldn't help but sigh before rubbing his face. He let you in again, even after swearing to Jeonghan and Jihoon he was done. However, there was something about you that just kept him wanting more and more. He knew that you were never one for commitment because "Where was the fun in that? Commitment just is a recipe for getting hurt." He knew that trying to pursue a "bolter" was a lost cause but he just couldn't help it. He was madly in love with you and every time you left he felt more devastated than the time before. Every 11:11 he wished that one day you would let him at least try to show you that commitment could be a beautiful thing.

ღ Jeonghan: The Albatross "Locked me up in towers But I'd visit in your dreams And they tried to warn you about me."

Jeonghan knew the risks of dating you. You were what some people called a temptress and a "nightmare dressed like a daydream." He knew that there was a chance you would ruin his life and honestly, at the time, he was all in for it. He was sure he could call your bullshit however time showed that his bullshit was called out. He found out that what everyone said was not as true as they thought. He found you to be the most amazing person in this world so when you left he was heartbroken. You told him you didn't want to be what everyone said but you had to leave and you knew he would find someone even better in the long run. However, he saw you in his dreams, he saw you in faces in the street, he saw you everywhere. He missed you and wished you would be able to let him in so you could prove all of them wrong.

ღ Joshua: Fresh Out The Slammer "And no matter what I've done, it wouldn't matter anyway Ain't no way I'm gonna screw up now that I know what's at stake here."

You looked around the crowd of people as you entered a familiar park. You knew this place all too well and your heart was racing. You just got out of six year relationship with someone you swore was supposed to be your forever person. However, you always unintentionally compared him to your first love, Hong Jisoo. For the past year, you were mentally checked out of your relationship because all you could think about was Jisoo. You took a deep breath before you sat down on an empty swing and waited. You waited for what seemed like five hours when the swing next to you was taken. You glanced over and saw Jisoo looking at you with a soft smile. Your heart started to race as you both made eye contact. It had been so long but he looked as beautiful as ever. Jisoo then leaned over and pressed a kiss against your lips while grabbing both of your hands. You smiled as familiar lips that felt like home brought back warm memories. You then put your foreheads together before awkward giggling. "Welcome home, (Y/N)."

ღ Jun: So High School "Your friends are around, so be quiet I'm trying to stifle my sighs 'Cause I feel so high school every time I look at you But look at you."

You are so head over heels for Moon Junhwi as was he over you. You both felt like it was a first love that you would have back in high school. All of the feelings you would feel back in High School came crashing back. One night when you were celebrating something with all of your friends and with his group members you both ran off into a closet and were just making out when it started to get more and more intense. You both were flushed and giggling as you both helped each other get undressed. He made sure the door was locked before attaching his lips back to you. "Try to stay quiet, baby girl," he would whisper as his fingers made their way to your nipples which caused you to softly moan into his lips. "Yes sir." A quickie would be good enough for now as you tried your best to stifle the moans and sighs that Jun was causing. If his friends knew what was going down, they kept it a secret from you but teased the hell out of him when you were gone.

ღ Hoshi: imgonnagetyouback "And I'll tell you one thing, honey, I can tell when somebody still wants me, come clean."

Soonyoung and you kept crossing paths and it was honestly frustrating you. You both didn't have a horrible breakup but it still was a breakup that hurt a lot. It took everything to get over him and you swore you were over him. However, every time you saw him, you couldn't help but second guess everything. At one of these "crossroad" moments, the "crazy" in you came out after you kept making eye contact with him one too many times. You made your way across the room despite your friends trying to stop you and pulled him to an empty storage room. Both of your breath was heavy before you glared into his eyes and whispered, "I know you still want me, please come clean." This caused him to scoff before pushing you up against the door and whispering, "you first, baby girl."

holy shit, 100 notes and I will write a one shot for this one

ღ Wonwoo: But Daddy I Love Him "Now I'm dancin' in my dress in the sun and Even my daddy just loves him I'm his lady And, oh my God, you should see your faces."

A video of one of you and Wonwoo's first dates ended up getting leaked and soon dating rumors started spreading like wildfire. There was both positive and negative thoughts from both of your fans as expected but to be honest it was just "white noise" for both of you because honestly who gave a fuck what anyone thought. When both of your CEO's sat with both of your managers and you, they informed you that dispatch was working on an article "exposing" the truth and that's when you both realized that you both wanted to be the ones to tell the fans. You decided to post on instagram a mini reel of moments between Wonwoo and you saying, "the rumors are true. wanted to let you know before dispatch told you all." Once you confirmed, there was still some negative press but mostly it was positive which Wonwoo and you were both thankful for.

omg i wanna write a one shot for this too bc what!?

ღ Woozi: The Alchemy "'Cause the sign on your heart Said it's still reserved for me Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?"

Honestly, you were shocked to see Lee Jihoon brace an event like this. Especially, after all this time. It was not his crowd or in his comfort zone. You could see how nervous he was as he fiddled with his arm cuffs and nervous laughing to whatever his friend was saying. Based on rough memories you believed his friends name was "Kwon Soonyoung" but that seemed like many life times ago. It felt like a car crash when you looked at him because you couldn't turn away or look away. Memories of you both kept replaying through your memory. You just stared at the man who you once loved exist on the other side of the room. After awhile, he realized a pair of once familiar eyes were staring at him. He looked back and his face softened. It felt like a movie as you stared at each other. Neither of you remember who walked to who first but soon you both were sitting side by side at the bar laughing and recalling old memories. The hole that was in both of your hearts seemed to be patched up as the conversation progressed. When the night was over, he asked if you would be comfortable seeing him again and you couldn't say 'yes' quick enough.

ღ DK: Peter "And sometimes it gets me When crossing your jet stream We both did the best we could do Underneath the same moon In different galaxies."

"It will always be you, maybe one day we can come back together when it's not so crazy." That was the last thing you ever heard Seokmin say after you both agreed it was time to call it quits. Who's fault was it? Honestly neither of your fault. Neither you or Seokmin could say that you did not try. Of course you both tried. You both tried to make everything work but things were just too different and well 'crazy.' With his career, he was everywhere and vise versa. You both were just never in the same time zone at the same time. It was like this for months when finally it just fizzled. Time moved on, as did both of you, but when you looked out the airplane window and noticed you were flying over Seoul your heart couldn't help but mourn. You wondered what could've been. You wondered if he still laughed while clapping like a seal and if he was still sunshine for everyone he met. It broke you a bit to remember. "It will always be you, Seokmin," you whispered before closing the curtain of the window.

ღ Mingyu: Down Bad "How dare you think it's romantic Leaving me safe and stranded 'Cause fuck it, I was in love So fuck you if I can't have us."

"Kim Mingyu, you are a fucking coward," you whispered as you tried to hide your angry heartbroken tears from him. "(Y/N), trust me this is the last thing I want to do," he whispered with tears threatening to fall. Dispatch had found out about both of your relationship three days ago and the hate toward you was heavy. Delusional fans thought their beloved idol was cheating on them and you deserved to die because it was obviously your fault the 'affair." You were down to fight and continue forward but he couldn't handle the hate you were receiving and knowing there was only so much he could do. Fuck, maybe he was a 'fucking coward' but he was doing it because it would be safe for you. Who knows what saesangs could do to you. If anything happened to you, he would never forgive himself. He rather have you hate his guts then have you killed.

ღ Minghao: I Can Do It With A Broken Heart "I can hold my breath I've been doin' it since he left I keep finding his things in drawers Crucial evidence I didn't imagine the whole thing."

It has been about two months since Minghao and you broke up and it honestly has felt like a fever dream since it happened. Some days were better than others. You honestly thought today was one of the 'better' days but that was before you found one of his cardigans in one of your drawers and you just couldn't help but put it on and lay on the floor. You couldn't help but remember all the memories of him and you with this cardigan. Whether he was wearing it or you were. It was warm just like the memories and it killed you. You wrapped the cardigan around you tighter around you and just sobbed. You knew one day it would stop hurting, but until then, you were just going to run with the punches and try your best to do it with a broken heart.

ღ Seungkwan: My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys "'Cause I knew too much, there was danger in the heat of my touch He saw forever, so he smashed it up.

Seungkwan knew he fucked up the moment he stepped foot into his house after breaking things off with you. Truth be told he was terrified of you. You knew him like the back of your hand and he knew you like the back of his hand. He saw a future with you. He saw you owning a dog, living in a house in Jeju, owning a dog, having one to two kids, everything. However, he wasn't mentally ready for that. At least at the time he thought he wasn't. Now that he was alone and realizing what he had done, guilt was eating him up. He lost everything because his own damn anxiety lied and said there was danger. There was nothing he could do to fix it now.

ღ Vernon: The Black Dog "I move through the world with the heartbroken My longings stay unspoken And I may never open up thе way I did for you."

Nobody understood you the way Hansol did. He had the manuscript on what made you tick. Like how you liked your coffee over exactly five ice cubes, how you would always whisper 'thank you' before eating any kind of meats because they once had a soul, and how you would blink twice before laughing at one of his jokes. So when he made the call to end things you wondered how on earth you would ever find someone who could handle your quirks and wouldn't find you strange. It made you feel abandoned and made you hate him so much for hurting you this way. When you expressed your feelings to your friends, they would tell you it would get better eventually. Eventually, whenever "Hansol" escaped your lips to them they would tell you to stop talking. That's why you just were silently heartbroken as you replayed everything over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

ღ Dino: So Long, London "You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? I died on the altar waitin' for the proof."

Your phone light blinded you as you stared at Lee Chan's pointless apologies. You both had been struggling in your relationship for the last five months. You thought things were looking up until one of your best friends delivered the heartbreaking news that they saw him kissing a new stylist that started working for them ironically when things started to go shit. You felt many things. You felt betrayed, you felt hurt, you felt sick, you felt embarrassed. He swore he loved you, he pinkie swore he loved you not even three days ago. However, you trusted your best friend and you saw visual proof which was more proof or clues on how much he "loved" you. Even though it killed you, you texted back, "So Long, Iksan." before blocking his number and preparing yourself on officially getting over him.

#wonuwrites #seventeen #svt x reader #seventeen reactions #s coups x reader #jeonghan x reader #joshua x reader #jun x reader #hoshi x reader #wonwoo x reader #woozi x reader #dk x reader #dokyeom x reader #mingyu x reader #minghao x reader #the8 x reader #seungkwan x reader #vernon x reader #dino x reader #dino svt #taylor swift #ttpd #the tortured poets department

[limetameta]

I need tombraxas fics and your opinion on it

I'm about to go OFF under the cut so beware

If you're looking for HEALTHY tombraxas I can offer you the following:

TOM RIDDLE HATES SOCIAL MEDIA

Summary: They're in high school it's modern au, the most dramatic thing that happens is that they know Walburga Black in person, who's trying to be an influencer. This is the cutest tombraxas I've ever written and I love it so gosh dang much. They're just so soft with each other and they love each other like lovesick teenagers can. Tom is a lil repressed and scared because he's a foster kid and Abraxas is a nepo baby and that's bound to create problems, but Abraxas is just so SAFE for Tom.

TOM RIDDLE THE IT GUY

To this day I believe I've peaked with this writing and that I'll never write anything funnier. Take the Riddle era kids, age them up, and shove them in a no magic office au. I'm laughing as I'm writing this honestly every time I remember this fic I giggle.

NOW IF YOU WANT TOMBRAXAS AS KIND OF THE DRIVING FORCE FOR PLOT, BUT SEEN FROM AN OUTSIDE PERSPECTIVE MAY I OFFER YOU:

KNIGHTS AND (PRINCES)SES:

Voldemort Wins the 2ND WAR AU - Ginny falls in love with Luna, but parallel to them Tombraxas is out here being divorced toxic and learning to reconcile because Luna is Voldemort's favourite student and Ginny is Abraxas' favourite student. I like this fic a lot. MAINLY because I love writing Voldemort wins fics that make Voldemort depressed.

THE ARITHMANCY FIC

Trans Harry AU. Abraxas is SICK AND TIRED OF DIVINATION. HE'S GONNA GET VOLDEMORT AND HARRY POTTER TO FUCK OFF WITH THEIR PROPHECY BULLSHIT IF IT'S THE LAST THING HE DOES. Featuring Voldemort being very domestic with Abraxas.

NUMBERED DAYS

Every adult in Harry Potter's life has failed him as a mentor figure. Enter Abraxas Malfoy, who's like I BET I CAN SPEEDRUN my man Tom winning this war and not having him deal with Harry Potter - I'LL BECOME A PROFESSOR AT HOGWARTS! SECRET MARRIAGE TROPE, VOLDEMORT AND ABRAXAS DISS DUMBLEDORE FOR HAVING A GAY RELATIONSHIP LONGER THAN HIS ONE SUMMER ROMANCE ASS. Harry Potter is not harmed. Who knew that was an option???

SNAPSHOTS

This is a story of tombraxas as told through a series of moving photographs.

RUIN

The first time I ever wrote a fic with tombraxas in it (Abraxas doesn't appear, but Voldemort talks about how that peacock man can get it)

it's old 2016 writing tho so beware.

YOUNG SNAKES

Albus Dumbledore gets sorted into Slytherin and how this changes the course of his life. Tom/Abraxas are side characters but they're together and it's clearly stated in text.

TOM RIDDLE SR.

Tom Riddle Sr raises his son. His son is gay for the peacock man, but this story focuses more on the father son dynamic than on them.

SIBLINGS

Hermione time travels to the past and acts as Tom's sister. Tom is flustered by Abraxas lots in this fic and they are together.

NOW ONTO MY MORE EXPERIMENTAL WORKS THE ONE WHO BRINGS COLOUR

Voldemort dies as per canon but he winds up in a hellish world devoid of colour and his senses. As he travels farther and farther out and gains more of his senses, it isn't until he finds Abraxas that colour returns to his life. I like this fic a lot.

THE CHANGELING

Tom Marvolo Riddle (the human) is switched at birth with a fairy changeling. The Fairy AS TOM RIDDLE grows up in muggle london and goes to Hogwarts and has a liaison with Abraxas and becomes Voldemort and all that. Meanwhile Tom Riddle (the human) grows up in the Fairy world and fucks shit up for the Unseelie Queen. I like the prose in this one a lot.

AWARENESS

Voldemort and Abraxas in this fic are not endgame but they are together. Endgame for Voldemort is finally being happy and healthy. For Abraxas it's Minerva. The two of them are still very much clearly codependant on each other and very open, and they do fuck.

AND NOW!!! FOR THE CREME DE LA CREME, FOR THE OP OF ALL MY TOMBRAXAS FICS, THE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION, THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE, THE MAGNUP OPUS OF MY AO3

RETIRED PROMETHEUS

FUN FACT: The very first fic Abraxas ever appears in my writing, the one that set the precedent for all the other Abraxas in my works FIRST APPEARED IN Retired Prometheus - the LONGEST TOMBRAXAS FIC WRITTEN ON FFNET AND AO3 to date. This fic has truly taught me so much about writing. These two in this fic are so deeply convoluted and yet in love with each other in a very toxis way. I adore them. I adore the messiness, the codependence, the nobody will ever love you as I love you, my love for you is monstrous, but that's fine, I'll love you with all of my monstrous being. Everything that you see in the fics listed above this one CAME as a direct influence Retired Prometheus had on me. This is the OG. This is the abyss that stared at me and had me churning out Tombraxas fics for YEARS. This is the, even though I'm a terrible human being, I deserve to be loved, too, and nobody can do it better than you, you, Hercules, who've come to rescue me from myself, from my punishment from the Gods.

#tom marvolo riddle #lord voldemort #abraxas malfoy #limeta #abraxas malfoy x tom riddle #tom riddle / abraxas malfoy #tombraxas

[megan0013]

I'm always down for more Changeling Barbarba

1. her undercover mission as the wife of real estate developer walker strickland (strickler) is only the third assignment braya (barbara) has had on the surface. her original human family was irish, but she’s adopted a deep southern accent for this particular job and, holy shit, is stricklander into it

2. they have three children together before jim enters the picture - aurora, walker and alexander (a little mashup of all the stricklake kids i’ve written for other fics). rory is a total daddy’s girl, walker and alex are literally chaos twins. they’re about eighty years older than jim. he’s met them and thinks they’re his cousins

3. nik (an oc from variables) shows up as a braya’s changeling nestmate who just happens to have spent a month fucking around with stricklander in greece some 60 years previous. he delivers all four of the stricklake babies. nannies the older ones a bit, too. the look on stricklander’s face when braya first introduces them is priceless

4. kodanth is so over these two. they had one job™️ but he’s still dealing with their bullshit a hundred years later, and yeah, ok, they’ve become his most favorite walnuts but seriously? four kids, an annoyingly codependent relationship, and a whole familial unit (auntie nomura and uncle otto included) focused more on themselves than the greater good is just a little too much for him and his blood pressure, thank you

5. stricklake carry out what could be considered a legitimate affair from the time they reunite prior to jim’s freshman year until sometime in the near distant future (that i haven’t figured out yet) if they weren’t already, ya know, married. which. isn’t entirely true. because they are bonded mates. there was a ceremony back in the 30’s and everything. and as far as they’re concerned, that trumps any human vows barbara may have exchanged with james lake sr. who knows something is going on between his ‘wife’ and the local high school history teacher but can’t quite figure out what (until jim becomes the trollhunter, of course, and a threat ultimatum is made)

between two lungs

#writer games #meg answers #stricklake #changeling!barb au #i’ve missed this au so much #makes me want to churn out the next chapter

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

content warning for grooming and incest

.

.

i think my older brother was grooming me when i was younger

i apparently am not knowledgable about what grooming is, because ive described traumatic situations regarding other toxic/abusive people in my life without thinking they were groomers but the people ive been talking to about it told me that it was all grooming behavior, like showing me porn (sometimes literal csem) when they knew how young i was and telling me that i was special or something along those lines.

so about my older brother, there was definitely emotional incest happening but i dont know if thats the same thing as grooming. i remember him being really attached to me in a way that made me incredibly uncomfortable. my family in general has a codependency issue and i grew up thinking that feeling suffocated by them was symptomatic of my selfishness so i dismissed my feelings as just me being selfish.

my older brother dumped his emotional problems on me (we have a 5 yr age gap jsyk) and told me that i was the only person in the family that he could trust. i dont want to say "i took care of him" but i always protected him from my abusive father and i was afraid of making my brother upset in some way. not necessarily because i was "afraid" of him but because he pressured me to, with all the trauma dumping and stuff he was doing and telling me i was the only person he could rely on. so like id do his chores for him when he slept in or id cover his tracks whenever he did something stupid. all of this had my father call us twins and he compared our relationship to a married couple on tv.... it made me feel sick to say the least.

skip forward a few years and my brother started to fucking stalk me. i entered high school by the time he graduated and i guess because he couldnt watch me in person he resorted to texting people from my school on instagram and he asked them about me. btw he was creepy with them too, one of them was a friend of mine and you can guess what happened to our friendship. not only did he do this but he randomly accused me of whoring around and texting boys instead of texting *him* like i was cheating or something. and when he did that i was furious but i was like "omg i would never ignore you i promise im not talking to boys..." just so he could shut up. he continued accusing me of this btw and it made me feel disgusting.

i also have these other memories... theres the times he asked me to move in with him (keeping in mind his obsessive behavior towards me) and theres this other time he showed me a song he wrote with his friend that mentioned how good of a sister i was or whatever. i also have this random memory of him getting mad at me because i didnt want to sit on his lap.

writing all of this was triggering but its been on my mind. if youre curious about our relationship now i practically cut him off. i committed the crime of calling out his toxic behavior and ever since then hes been aggressive towards me and talking constant shit about me to his equally as disgusting wife. hes always been obsessed with me and behaving in strange ways but i wonder if it was more than emotional incest... like grooming. what he'd groom me for i dont know but its like he wanted to be the only boy in my life, like he wanted to be my boyfriend. for a very long time i thought i was being selfish for finding him uncomfortable but now that im a little older and able to articulate my feelings better he was and still is a clearly abusive person. btw if any of this sounds familiar its because i sent anons to agirldying before, im just summarizing all of this again and adding new info so i can give valid reasons for why i believe he might have been grooming me since i was 10 to age 16.

Hi 💔,

I'm (again) so sorry about what you've been going through.

I'm honestly not too sure where the line is between grooming and emotional incest but I can definitely see how there could be some overlap, or how emotional incest could be a foot in the door to grooming, or vice versa. I know a lot of people tend to think that grooming can only be done by adults, I know even just by experience that kids can do it too, though unfortunately there's very little out there explaining it in that context.

Although it's about adult relationships, I still found this article that April wrote helpful in context of my COCSA, so I'm wondering if this could be helpful for you as well. It essentially spells out each step of grooming: targeting the victim, gaining trust, filling a need, isolation, abuse, and maintaining the relationship. You may be able to identify how your experience aligns with that structure.

I also just want to say, you don't have to explain yourself, you know? This string of traumatic experiences are distressing for you, and while it's perfectly okay to talk about it as much as you want, I think it's also important to acknowledge how much space you're allowing your trauma to take up. You don't have to prove anything to anyone. We believe you, no matter how much or how little you explain what happened.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks #💔 #tw abuse #tw child abuse #tw csem #tw SA #tw CSA #tw emotional abuse #tw cocsa #trauma details

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS | CHAPTER 1

Rating: Explicit. 18+

‼️TW: Reader is EIGHTEEN! Recreational drug use, smoking and alcohol consumption, deeply internalised self-loathing, very questionable moral standards. Daddy kink taken half-seriously. BDSM themes in later chapters - explicit content will come with it's own TWs. FIRST PERSON POV.

Summary: You're Peter's classmate, a child of rich and famous but uncaring parents. Getting paired up for a lengthy project with the boy was an interesting turn of events and you don't know whether to feel blessed or cursed when you develop, seemingly, a perfectly normal, harmless crush on Tony Stark. Fueled by feelings of inadequacy and boredom, your life spirals out of control - and you're lucky your newfound friends are there to pick up the pieces even if you cannot find it in yourself to believe these amazing human (and not so human) beings voluntarily give you more than a fleeting glance and an offhanded thought. And they brought cake!

A/N: Bad girls are sad girls! Always wondered what goes through the mind of a spoiled, rich but intelligent and perceptive teenager? Have you found yourself craving that adrenaline rush, the danger of a forbidden fruit? Okay. That was cheesy as hell. Gross.

Let's try again. Sarcasm? Check. Vine references? Hell yes! Crude humour? Check. Blunt honesty? Double check. We're living in a Lana del Rey song, ladies.

The author doesn't actually condone codependent relationships in real life. This is a filthy little fantasy. Enjoy, deviants.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub​ @mostly-marvel-musings​

Beta read by the lovely and patient @miscmarvelwritings ! She deserves all the love 💙

Pining. I was pining after Stark and it made me upset. I thought I was better than that. Better than acting the part of a lovesick puppy, begging for scraps of attention- a kind word, a pat on the shoulder, a blanket thrown over me in my sleep. Even if he was my Mount Olympus, I wasn't exactly on board with starting the whole damn journey in the first place.

Most of all, I hated being a cliché. I tried my best to avoid showing how I felt and with time, I think I excelled at it. I am really good with things if I really put my mind to it. Was it a blessing, or was it a curse? Only the future will tell. I try not to think about it, as I prefer not to stress out too much. Peter was the anxious kid and I was the calm one. I was the Ying to his Yang. He flipped his shit often and I always calmed him down and cleaned up after him. No complaints there, Pete is pure and precious and I would kill everybody and then myself if he actually got hurt.

I'm only a year older than him and that year feels like an uncrossable bridge to me. We get along like a house on fire and I delight in the way he starts smiling when we're paired together for a project. Deep inside I'm sure he thinks of me as one of his best friends, his homies but-and there's always a but-I can't reciprocitate that. He goes to decathlon after school with his wholesome BFF duo, I go to a local dive bar with a fake ID I'd made sometime when I was about 15.

Peter has everything I wish I've ever had. Good for him. I'm not going to mess that up, no matter how much my angst demands I throw a tantrum and become, like, a supervillain or something.

I banter, instead. I chit-chat. I laugh and I repeatedly make a joke out of myself. Nobody suspects a thing, and I'm not surprised. People always see what they want to see. I've been the weird loner since middle school. Not the sad kind, of course, my pride wouldn't let me. I'm too good at things to be completely ignored. Teachers adore me, the event planning committee approaches me every year with tentative pleas for advice. The list goes on and on; what they don't understand is that it's just High School. Another year and I'll be out of there and nobody will be wiser.

I feel like a liar every time I'm excited. Because I'm not that - I don't care about their stupid field trips or collaborative projects. My mind is five steps and two hops ahead of that bullshit. It has to be or I just won't make it in the world.

"Parker-pen, Mr. Stark. G'day, sirs," I nodded, entering the lab, looking straight ahead. They both were hunched over... Something vaguely mechanical and I was terribly, horribly hungover. Saturday night was Science night but I'd gone to bed around 2PM after a party ran way too late.

"Hi," and "Powerpuff girl," came from them respectively, and they didn't even lift their heads.

I wondered if I could just skedaddle and leave them to their big brain time. "Is this a bad time? I can come tomorrow instead," I immediately regretted speaking, even to my own ears my voice sounds scratchy.

"No, actually, Dr. Ban-Bruce-wanted to talk to you," Peter mumbled out half-coherently. Tony kept ignoring me and I was fine with that. The less temptation I have the less trouble there will be.

"I'm not playing with his zucchini again," I groaned, causing the intricate pile of metal to squeak sadly as Pete tripped over his own damn body, jostling the prototype in the process. I could have sworn the room got several degrees hotter from the boy's blush alone.

Tony cackled, shuffling away from the newly ruined prototype. "He won the damn contest, you should've seen the judges faces," The engineer's grin threatened to split his face in half. I poked at my phone in muted interest. "Hold up, Friday has a recording. I definitely recorded the thing."

A holo-screen popped up. Tranquil scenes of a local fair, gourds and other assorted vegetables of various grotesque sizes were scattered throughout the square. An unmistakable mop of curly greying hair posed proudly next to a zucchini half the size of Hulk - I was fairly certain genetically engineering the plant was cheating and warned him so but somehow Banner managed to persuade the judges into letting him participate, and ultimately win, the competition for the Biggest Zucchini. Some of them were quite shocked at the size of that thing and well - well, their glances were quite contemplative to say the least.

"Damn, Tony, that blonde chick's face tells me all I need to know," I gave a lopsided smirk in the engineer's general direction. That was our thing, you see? He called me these ridiculous cutesy nicknames and asked me about getting my nails done or going to the mall and I'd make salacious comments and go on an occasional flirtatious spree. That was comfortable. We both enjoyed making Peter blush and giggle like the little schoolboy that he was.

"Our Brucie bear is a freak, don't let him tell you any different, Princess," Tony winked at me.

"Oh, I know all about it, Tones," I suggestively wiggled my eyebrows. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Peter groan and palm his face. I briefly bumped my knuckles to Tony's outstretched hand and made my way to the adjacent lab that hosted the second resident crazy scientist.

"Bruce?"

"Oh, hi there, come on in," He smiled warmly at me and I relaxed, shrugging off the tension in my limbs that seemed to appear every time Tony was around me. Banner's soft, friendly nature always made me feel welcomed and appreciated.

We made small talk as I threw on a lab coat and some protective glasses and discarded my bag in the far corner, away from any possible explosions. I congratulated him on his recent victory - here is when I say that despite what most will say, Banner has a serious competitive mean streak and isn't afraid to get down and dirty when it comes to matters of his personal pride.

That's what makes us alike, I think. I have too much dignity and self-respect to walk around Tony with stars in my eyes and hang around his neck like yesterday's tie.

The quiet, even pace of doing lab work made me completely lose track of time. Some time passed as I felt the crick in my neck become noticeable, and the deep ache in my calves from standing and dancing yesterday worsened. I hopped onto the nearest table, hunched over a tablet, eyes skimming over research articles - most of it didn't register at all in the wake of a dull throb behind my temples. My hair limply hung over my face - I had to wash it to get rid of the stench-hard liquor and cigarettes - but I was way too lazy to style it properly.

I ignored the swaying strands until a large palm gently tucked them behind my ear, a white lab coat coming into my field of view. "You okay?" Banner's quiet voice interrupted my reading. I lifted eyes enough to see he was wearing a dorky button-up in some gross shade of blue under the lab coat. His eyes were affectionate behind thinly rimmed glasses.

"Rough Friday night?" He questioned.

I chuckled. "Yeah, I'm hungover as fuck." There was no point in hiding the obvious; I'm sure the bags under my eyes already had tattled on me.

He chuckled, too, leaning his hip against the table, one broad arm coming to wrap around me in a hug. Usually he wasn't so touchy-feely; but I wasn't complaining. Banner was really, really warm. "I'll spare you the lecture on underage drinking," He said with another chuckle.

"Yeah, it's pretty pointless. You'd be three years too late."

A deep sigh left him, both of his arms wrapping around me in a comfortable embrace. I rested my chin on his shoulder, trying my best to really avoid showing how touch-starved I was. I was a hundred percent sure they all figured out my family life was difficult; the last thing I needed was their pity.

"Y'know, we should sit down and talk someday," He said after a brief moment of hesitation. "About your future. College, maybe?"

I gave a non-committal hum, basking in the warmth of the hug, staring straight ahead with unseeing eyes - behind the glass divide, I could faintly distinguish Tony's and Peter's shapes, still bent over that bench the pile of metal.

"You have a lot of potential," Banner continued, his tone developing a gently admonishing hint. "I understand if you want to take some time off from your studies but I'd rather you succeed and not let all that potential go to waste," He finished, patting me on the back with a gentle hand.

I tried not to preen under his touch. "Are you attempting to guilt-trip me over a party, doctor Banner?" I teased him, expecting the smile that I felt being hidden by my hair. Sometimes I felt that I could read the man like an open book, he was so earnest about his interactions.

"I just - we want you to stay safe, okay? Don't blow your future for a little bit of fun," He shrugged carefully.

"Okay, Bruce," I simply replied, meaning it this time

He kept hugging me, running his hand over my back absentmindedly. Probably thinking about his recent science bender. I wasn't upset: my own brain tended to get tangled in personal projects, too. I had only one complaint and it was that the cuddle was making me sleepy.

I yawned, startling the man. Pulling away from the hug wasn't really an option. He was broad and quite strong, probably courtesy of the Hulk and radiation in his blood.

"Why don't we put you in a guest room for tonight?" He inquired and I nodded. "Call your parents for me, okay?"

"My mother is in Vancouver for the week and I doubt she would care anyway," I rolled my eyes. "She's in the middle of some shitstorm with OsCorp and their marketing department." If anything, I was grateful my mother was preoccupied with her job. Being around her was like hanging out on top of an iceberg in the far end of the ocean.

I felt Bruce's frown. His body tensed briefly, blink and you'll miss the hunch of his shoulders. "What about your dad?"

I cringed. "He's been in Ibiza since the season opened, no doubt snorting miles of coke and... " I hesitated. "You can guess the rest."

My dad was kind of a dick, but I don't blame him at all for being the way he is. My parents have been married for twenty years. They were happy, once - I saw their college pictures with my mother's bright smiles and bushy hair, and my dad's terrible fashion sense and their dog, a funny little runt with an atrocious name. Then mother had me and for a while, they were happy too, but it lasted about until she landed her first prospective job. Kind of cliché.

Bruce sighed again. "Okay. You hungry?"

"No, I'm not going near food until tomorrow. Nu-uh," I fake-retched next to his ear, making Bruce shiver and playfully pinch my side.

"It'll help with your hangover. Doctor's advice."

"You're not even that kind of doctor," I laughed, very gently poking him back, somewhere around his stomach. He squirmed.

"I have seven PhDs," Bruce smiled as he rested his chin on top of my head as he adjusted his torso to prevent my fingers from reaching his ticklish spots. I poked him again in retaliation, fully enjoying the snort and squirm I caused. Soft™. "Let's go get you settled in," Bruce, seemingly without any difficulty, picked me up, propping me against his hip like a toddler. It probably looked awkward but what the hell, I haven't been carried around since I can remember myself. My legs wrapped around his hips for balance, butt resting on his forearm.

"You're a showoff," I couldn't help but snort, getting a lopsided smirk in return.

He made his way over to the elevator with me dangling and examining my nails in an expectant fashion. Tony's jokes aside, I really enjoyed getting them done and weird colors were a quest of entertainment for me. I obviously couldn't have them very long because I worked in a lab so I chose outrageous prints and decorations instead. This week, each of my nails had a different style - thankfully my aesthetician was professional enough to make it look somewhat put together even if it took a good chunk of my allowance and an hour long Uber ride to get to her salon.

I noticed the dimmed lights in Tony's lab and none of Peter's usual mess scattered on the tables, figuring he'd already left. Stark himself stood propped against a table, watching something, smoothie in hand.

For only a brief moment, I let my eyes rake over his body, his beautiful, sculpted physique hugged by a pair of fitted jeans and an old Led Zeppelin tee. Tony's handsomeness wasn't obvious, it wasn't in-your-face kind of appearance like Captain America's, but the engineer was built sturdy and his arms - the only bare part of him - were riddled with scars. He used his strong, bulky body for work.

I turned away before I got too ahead of myself. Bruce smelled like lab equipment and rubbing alcohol, something that made me sober up and snap out of my daydream before Stark took notice and started teasing me about ogling him. My once-over lasted barely three seconds yet with Tony's genius, I always had to be on my toes.

I saw movement in my peripheral. Banner waved before entering the elevator - at Tony, probably, so I looked back, seeing the man watching us, content replaced with a contemplating frown. I waved at him, resting my cheek on Bruce's shoulder. "Tony's having a big mood," I noted quietly in the scientist's ear.

"You know Tony," Bruce sighed, adjusting his hold on me as the car ascended to the housing floors. "His brain runs a mile a minute and he can't make sense of it for the biggest part. Give him some time and he'll be back to his annoying self."

I didn't see Tony as annoying in any way, but then again, I was severely biased. The billionaire was quirky venturing into absurd but also clever and brilliant.

We had reached our destination and Bruce carefully set me down on my feet once the door to my room was open. A large queen bed, TV and another door to an adjacent bathroom. It was really simple but luxurious nonetheless - I had the exact same carpet at home, having heard my mother bitch about it's cost after seeing me spill soda on it way too many times.

"I'll let you get settled in. Ask Friday if you need something," Bruce awkwardly shuffled his feet, taking off his glasses and briefly examining them before putting them back on again. "Breakfast here is on the 74th floor starting around 7AM, someone will probably get you around nine if you sleep in," He finished, giving a shy tilt of his lips.

"Thanks, Brucie-bear," The nickname easily slipped from my lips. I didn't resist the urge to hug the kind scientist, quickly wrapping my arms around his middle, delightfully sighing when he immediately returned the gesture.

"Good night, Princess," I had to suppress a happy squeak when the man kissed my forehead before retreating and closing the door behind himself. A quick shower and a quest to find a power outlet to plug my charger into preceded my less than graceful flop into the bed. It felt like sleeping on a cloud, honestly, it had nothing on my mother's orthopaedic memory foam mattresses. I passed out faster than I’d ever had.

#Bun writes #party favours #Tony Stark x y/n #Tony Stark x reader #Bruce Banner x reader #Bruce Banner x y/n #Stephen Strange x reader #Stephen Strange x y/n #We're going to Hell y'all

[buckybarnesbingo]

BBB Week 6 Roundup!

Little bit late, Mod Meg was on vacay over the weekend.

Title: Cute Quaterbacks Collaborator(s): Tori/samandbucky Link: AO3 Square: B4 - Sharing Clothes Rating: Teen Ship(s): Steve/Tony Major tags/warnings: AU, School, Fake Relationship, Protective!Bucky Summary: Steve and Bucky grew up as childhood best friends and are now roommates in college. Bucky dares Steve to bring a date to one of his upcoming football games after Steve suggests he could date anyone he wanted to. Enter Tony Stark. Word count: 1767

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Title: The Curse Collaborator(s): Tori/samandbucky Link: AO3 Square: K4 - Kiss Rating: Teen Ship(s): Bucky/Clint Major tags/warnings: Fluff, Established Relationship, Magic, Curses Summary: Clint gets hit during an alien attack with some dark magic, Bucky and Steve can't wake him, so they go to the only person they know who can undo the curse: Stephen Strange. Word count: 1364

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Title: A Regular Harry Houdini Collaborator(s): Bird Link: AO3 Square: K4 - Prisoners/Captives Together Rating: Teen Ship(s): Sam/Bucky Major tags/warnings: Minor Episode 5 Spoilers, Post-The Falcon and the Winter Soldier, Captured, First Kiss Summary: “You know, if Steve kissed me in the middle of an escape attempt, he would bring it up after,” Sam said. “I thought we weren’t talking about Steve,” Bucky grunted, closing his eyes. “I’m going to take a nap.” “I can’t believe you’re pretending to take a nap right now.” “I’m 106, Sam. I’m allowed to fall asleep whenever I want.” Word count: 1365

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Title: K5 Card B096 Soulbond Collaborator(s): Rufferto Link: Tumblr Square: K5 - High Fantasy, Curses, Shiny Sword Steve Rating: Teen Ship(s): Stucky Major tags/warnings: Fantasy Warrior Bucky, Curses, Art, Sword Steve Summary: When Bucky went off to war Steve was cursed into a sword. Bucky managed to find him because they share a bond but he's cursed. Bucky now carries Steve into battle wherever he goes looking for a way to have Steve at his side again. This was done on Hot Press Water Color Paper with Windsor & Newton and Arteza paints. I don’t much like the scan, there’s something always lost when a watercolor image is scanned but I will try some other time to get a better photo of it. Word count: none it is art.

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Title: Benevolent Overlord Collaborator(s): IndigoNight Link: AO3 Square: K1 - Bucky Bear Rating: Gen Ship(s): Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers Major tags/warnings: Fluff, PTSD, Codependency, Alpine the Cat Summary: “Hi,” Bucky says, wincing a little at how hoarse and rough his voice sounds from disuse. The kitten just hisses at him again, huge green eyes narrowed into slits. “Yeah, I get it,” he agrees with a grimace and a commiserating nod. Word count: 4921

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Title: I'm James Buchanan Barnes Collaborator(s): e_hytes Link: Tumblr Square: C2 - Art Style: Black and White Rating: Gen Ship(s): No pairing/ship Major tags/warnings: #buckybarnes #wintersoldier #jamesbuchananbarnes #mcu Summary: A drawing of Bucky/Winter Soldier black and white Word count: N/A

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Title: Someone Like You Collaborator(s): Nicnac Link: AO3 Square: C4 - Prison Rating: Mature Ship(s): Bucky/Reader Major tags/warnings: Enemies, Uneasy Allies, Hydra Agent Reader, Negotiations Summary: Taken from their SHIELD prison cell, the reader finds themself alone with The Winter Soldier negotiating for their life. Word count: 2693

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Title: Sambucky Incorrect Quotes Collaborator(s): snowstark Link: Tumblr Square: U2 - Partner-In-Crime Rating: Teen Ship(s): Sam/Bucky Major tags/warnings: Enemies to lovers vibe, Humour Summary: “Bucky, we tried things your way already.” “No we didn’t.” “I did it in my head and it didn’t work.” Word count: N/A

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Title: darling, you’re the one i want in paper rings Collaborator(s): cyanica Link: AO3 Square: C5 - teasing Rating: Gen Ship(s): steve/bucky Major tags/warnings: first time, demisexuality, period-typical homophobia, fluff, friends to lovers Summary: "Okay, I don't know why I’ve never – you know!” Bucky said after a moment, a soft laugh spilling from his lips – something so genuine and bashful, that Steve wasn’t so sure what to make of. “You're just – you're the only one I've ever had eyes for. You're the only one I’ve ever wanted.” Or, whatever deity had constructed the fragmented pieces of their souls together, they were made of the same smithereens, and Steve was sure he had known that as a child, holding Bucky’s slightly larger hand and accepting that they were of the same love, without even knowing what such a concept was. Word count: 1630

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Title: Unexpected Alliances - Chapter 4 Collaborator(s): PoliZ Link: AO3 Square: C5 - Lending a Hand Rating: Mature Ship(s): Stucky Major tags/warnings: Fantasy AU, enemies to friends/lovers, referenced/implied torture Summary: Buckthorn’s refusal to use his fae magic to support his captor’s cause has left him battered and broken; when he is given a dangerous shifter as his cellmate, they overcome their differences to become allies and perhaps something more. Chapter 4: Upon reaching the shifters’ camp, Buckthorn meets another of Stephen’s companions who seems to have a chip on his shoulder when it comes to fae folk. Word count: 1034

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Title: A Story Told in Flesh, Chapter 3: Together In Dreams Collaborator(s): ChrissiHR Link: AO3 Square: B2 - Rocket Racoon Rating: Explicit Ship(s): Bucky x Darcy x Steve Major tags/warnings: Big Swingin’ Dick!Steve, smut, nsfw, dream sex, sex positive Summary: Bucky and Darcy get massages and discuss Aesir medical treatments; Darcy has an erotic dream about Bucky & Steve. Word count: 1270

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Title: Written In The Scars (On My Heart) Collaborator(s): IndigoNight Link: AO3 Square: K5 - Just Do It Rating: Explicit Ship(s): Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes Major tags/warnings: Past Rape/Non-con, In Heat (but not A/B/O) Masturbation, Sex Toys, Mildly Dubious Consent, Body Worship, Self Body Worship, Rimming, Fuck Or Die (sort of), Porn with Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Inability to Orgasm, Body Image, Reference to Past Medical Experimentation, Self-Lubrication, Touch-Starved, Touch-Averse Summary: He swallows hard, struggling with himself one last time and losing. “I need your help,” he manages to whisper, voice cracking. The air in the room immediately changes. The wound up tension drains out of Steve, his posture and voice going soft. “Sure, Buck,” he says, cautiously moving back toward him. Bucky can’t move, his arms locked tight around his knees, and he can’t lift his gaze higher than Steve’s knees either. Steve pauses when he’s still a few feet away, squatting down and angling his head in an effort to see Bucky’s face through the curtain of his hair. “Anything. What do you need?” It’s everything Bucky can do to hold still, every cell in his body vibrating with the need to throw himself into Steve’s arms. He opens his mouth, but his throat sticks and he has to swallow again before he can force the words out. Slowly, by sheer force of will, he drags his gaze up to meet Steve’s eyes. “I need you to fuck me.” Word count: 41k

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Title: Acceptance is the first part of Healing Collaborator(s): Laevateinn Link: AO3 Square: C4 - Denial Rating: Teen Ship(s): N/A Major tags/warnings: 1e3 : Power Broker, TFATWS coda, TW for : implied sexual abuse/assault, dissociation, PTSD, flashbacks, Angst, hopeful(ish) ending Summary: "You good ?" Wilson asks him, after he fought against eight men. "You okay ?" Wilson asks him, when they get to Sharon’s house. "You hurt ?" Wilson asks him, when they get out of the car. Yes, Wilson. All good. Now if the guy could shut up and carry on, that'd be great. Why would he be "not fine" anyway ? It's not as if anything that happened that day hasn't happened before. Word count: 906

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Title: The Maze Stumbler (Moodboard) Collaborator(s): Turtles Link: Tumblr Square: B3 - Labyrinth Rating: Teen Ship(s): Darcy Lewis & Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Major tags/warnings: Bucky Barnes, Sam Wilson, Thor, Cocktail, Labyrinth Summary: Something, something, Thor spikes the punch at the party and they all decide to re enact the Maze Runner… or something like that. Sam and Bucky wake up in the middle of a maze, nothing but Darcy’s voice in their ear giving them directions and critiquing their methodology Word count: N/A

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Title: The Maze Stumbler (Fic) Collaborator(s): Turtles Link: AO3 Square: C1 - Stranded Rating: Teen Ship(s): Darcy Lewis & Bucky Barnes & Sam Wilson Major tags/warnings: Thor's Asgardian Booze, a labyrinth, Dubious Timeline, Everybody Lives, Crack Summary: Don’t drink Thor’s Asgardian booze. Ever. Word count: 1657

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Title: 5 Times Steve Received Plums from Natasha or Sam and the 1 Time Steve Realized the Plums weren’t from Them Collaborator(s): Girl_Back_There Link: AO3 Square: K5 - Bucky/Steve Rating: Teen Ship(s): Bucky/Steve Major tags/warnings: 5 + 1, Bucky and his Plums, Angst and Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug Summary: Steve keeps finding plums in his hotel rooms or his bag. He thinks it is Natasha or Sam trying to be a good friend by making sure he is eating and keeping up his energy in the search for Bucky. Each plum he finds reminds him of Bucky growing up in pre-WWII New York. The times they would give each other a plum as a way of saying “I’m sorry” or “I love you.” Word count: 2998

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Title: Faith and Desire and the Swing of Your Hips Collaborator(s): IndigoNight Link: AO3 Square: U2 - French Kiss Rating: Explicit Ship(s): Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes Major tags/warnings: Crossdressing, Nonbinary Steve Rogers, Oral Sex, Body Dysphoria, Gender Exploration, Supportive Flirting Summary: “You look gorgeous, doll,” he drawls, dragging up as much of old Brooklyn as he can to infuse into the words. Steve startles, even though the doorway and Bucky in it are clearly reflected behind him in the mirror. Steve’s eyes flick to him and away again, his face going pink from the tips of his ears and spreading all the way down to his chest. He fidgets with his skirt, hands smoothing over the folds of it self consciously. “It looks a little silly,” he mutters, chewing on his already chapped lower lip. Word count: 5470

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Title: Stay Collaborator(s): Bird/plutosrose Link: AO3 Square: C3 - Free Square Rating: Explicit Ship(s): Sam/Bucky Major tags/warnings: Post-Canon, First Time Summary: “So, are you keeping the outfit?” Word count: 1919

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Title: It's Not a Miracle You Need Collaborator(s): UisceOneLove Link: AO3 Square: Y3 - At a Crossroads Rating: Teen Ship(s): James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers Major tags/warnings: Post-Endgame, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending Summary: Sitting out on the dock of Tony's lakehouse while the others slept, Steve thought about where he was expected to go from here. It's a good thing Bucky's around to help him see where that can be. Word count: 1584

#buckybarnesbingo2021 #bbb2021 #bbb weekly roundup #bbb week 6 #bbb round three

[quercus-queer]

A Slice of a Normal Life au

Grace and Simon Edition... this ones long lmao:

They met at a train station as little kids and didn’t see each other again until high school

High school was rough for both of them and was really shitty in general so i’ll just leave that up to you but i’m starting with college

Grace ends up going to Juilliard and Simon feels betrayed because they were supposed to stick together no matter what 

Plus Grace lied about it and put off confronting the issue until right before she left but Simon already felt something was up and his abandonment issues and other problems pop off so he distanced himself from her and started being a dick (sorry they’re still codependent and problematic at this point) until Grace goes off on him

She leaves and Simon has a breakdown and ends up in a psych ward but he does finally get some actual help and diagnosis (the high school counselor was trash), he never reaches back out to Grace and skips town afterwards which really impacts Grace and she’s just like... bro... do i need therapy too? 

And then she actually seeks out a therapist with the intent to get better and does! She has pretty great time in college and makes actual friends in her dance program and ends up getting a girlfriend at some point... it was a long and pretty healthy relationship but ended on kinda bad terms, but she navigated her first relationship! Yay!

Simon is a dumbass and got with this girl he met while he was institutionalized... it didn’t go well but it was a relationship... it was like a few months long... but yeah... she also tells him to get a grip lol

I also changed my mind Simon doesn’t live with Samantha in high school, he tracks her down after his breakdown since he’s a legal adult and can do whatever he wants and lives with her and Frank afterwards

Simon starts working in a bookstore The Apex (its called that because they live on a mountain and its in the downtown of the city thats at the peak of the mountain) and actually really likes it and Samantha and Frank are good parental figures and he goes to actual therapy

There’s a little reading club for kids at the bookstore which is comprised of the Apex kids that he is in charge of now because the owner has her hands full (her, Simon, and a high school girl are like the only workers there)

Simon also gets a boyfriend he actually manages to keep and its a pretty good relationship and ends on relatively good terms since Simon’s actually getting therapy and has a good life set-up now so yay! He managed an actual relationship!

Samantha and Frank live in a cabin on this mountainous city btw which has a popular resort that Samantha manages and Frank is a chef there... it’s a very popular resort... a very common place for a retreat...

Grace and her dance crew in college take a trip there and she sees Simon and nearly dies, no seriously she was walking and then slipped and hit her head

She ends up in the hospital and her friends (she has actual good friends now) are like Grace what the fuck just happened you’re not that clumsy?

But you know who is? Simon, who is at the same hospital because Lucy from the kids club who is also a clumsy disaster got a fucking pencil in her eye and he had to drive her to the hospital

He sees Grace and doesn’t know whether to laugh cry or say hi so he just stares at her blankly like the dumbass he is and then leaves

Anyway, this kicks off a 200k mall-rats slowburn that goes harder than Tulips and Mikayla’s 

Grace doesn’t see him again until the next night when he’s in the lobby and he actually goes up to her and they talk because he had time to process it, they awkwardly talk... mostly sit though, and then Grace’s friends call her over and Simon quickly offers for her to come over another day

Grace doesn’t know what to do and her friends ask her whats up and convince her to go, not alone obviously Jennifer is gonna go with her to make sure she doesn’t get murdered 

Its awkward again, there’s small talk between Samantha, Frank, Jennifer and the two idiots and they play card games until Frank decides to finish up dinner and Jen ditches Grace because Frank is the coolest mf on the planet so Grace and Simon are alone again

They just sit there until Simon asks about her dance program and college and then they talk about that until Grace mentions her therapist and Simon’s like??? and Grace is like whoops and then they eat dinner and Grace and Jen leave

Simon goes by the resort more often but they don’t rlly talk until Grace is about to leave and Simon just apologizes for everything and Grace says she’s sorry too and Simon just doesn’t know how to respond to that so he’s like if you ever want to come back here I’ll be here

Grace does not know how to respond to that so she’s just like uhhh okay bye

The dance team comes back the following year and she sees Simon again and he’s like “sorry for fucking you up” and Grace is like “don’t give yourself so much credit I already needed therapy unless you forgot about the fact I had counseling right after you?” “I try to block out everything from before 19 tbh” “fair enough... I suppose there wasn’t much to want to remember huh” “I’m... I remember telling you, you were the best person I ever met and I meant that” Grace doesn’t know how to respond to that and then they don’t talk for the rest of the trip, they just wave at each other and smile in passing

The dance troupe grace joins after college goes on annual trips to the resort so Grace and Simon continue to have three conversations each year plus Jennifer makes sure a visit to Samantha’s and Frank’s happens

the yearning... the pining... WHEW its a lot and Samantha, Frank, and Grace’s entire dance troupe, plus the family that always vacations at the same time are SICK of it

They don’t even become close friends again until their late twenties. 

The kids club thinks Grace is amazing and Kai bases their whole look off of her

Mall-rats officially happens in their thirties and they get married in their forties

when I say slowburn i meant it

Idk where to put this: 

Samantha lost custody of Simon as a kid because of a hoarding problem she still struggles with but Simon is an adult now and him and Frank help keep her in check

Simon was with Samantha from a couple weeks after entering foster care and most of middle school

Samantha and Frank are actually just roommates 

Grace is like “so Samantha and Frank...?” “They’re roommates” “Simon... is that what they told you?” “well yeah, but they’re seriously just roommates” “ummmm...” “Grace they’re both gay” “OH”

Simon works at the bookstore his whole life and he loves it, Grace is a professional dancer, they’re both happy

They look the same as in canon except Simon can shave and Grace gets be the fashion icon she deserves 

Simon still cant dress so most of the time he just wears different sweaters he’s been given and alternates between his three pairs of jeans

#infinity train #grace monroe #simon laurent #mall-rats #its the angsty slowburn for the ages baby #literally been burning since they were 10 #whose willing to write this slowburn I would but my writing is... not great #anyway bi legends mall-rats #Samantha the cat #is a lesbian #Frank the bear #is a bear

[maruzzewrites]

I was thinking about it and, in a way, I think la Squadra guys had the potential to have actual relationships or past relationships both because they’re obviously written to be older than the protagonists and because I like to think about angsty, bad dynamics with these fuck-ups.

So here, you get my headcanons on possible relationships these guys have/had.

Risotto is actually in a long-term relationship, but no one knew about it until he blurted it out by accident when he was distracted and giving an explanation on why he had to leave the base for a while. He’s incredibly secretive about it and the other guys didn’t know much about his partner, the nature of the relationship or where/when they met until Risotto himself volunteered the info. Eventually, he confessed it was a man (hence why they couldn’t marry, being the 90s/00s in Italy), that his partner wasn’t out to his family and he married a friend who was a lesbian to keep up appearances (Risotto actually finds his ‘wife’ a nice lady). But other than that, he refused to show pictures or give names, the others don’t even know if they’re still together. 

Pesci did have a girlfriend before joining Passione and being put in the hitmen team, despite being teased for being a virgin and a dateless loser by the others. He broke up with her when he understood how dangerous his job would be for her, but she insisted on staying friends even after the break up. They’re obviously still hung up on each other, didn’t move on and preventing each other to do so with this set up. The rest of the team did see her in their eternal quest to mock this poor guy, and the moment they tried to approach her to harass her on info about Pesci, they discovered their teammate can defend himself and is quite the heavyweight if he wants (Melone’s jaw remembers this in particular). Prosciutto absolutely doesn’t approve of Pesci’s relationship with this girl.

Prosciutto had been married, had plenty of casual and superficial relationships in his youth and did have some transactional relationships (both were he gave money and where he received). His major problem with relationships is that he wants to do things how they are supposed to be for a man like him, so he always picks people he doesn’t necessarily like but fit the type of people he should like (rich, good-looking, cool). His marriage did fail because of this, when he married a barely known model just because he assumed people “wanted” that from him. He just recently admitted to himself that he does have a tiny, little crush on Pesci, nothing to major and it’s probably temporary infatuation because he is so nice to him (and no, it’s not true Pesci is pretending he doesn’t know, shut up and fuck off).

Formaggio looks like a man who isn’t into serious, committed relationships and that’s the exact truth. He mostly had casual relationships and broke a few hearts, until he found a woman who is very chill like him and agreed to a relaxed deal between them. Until Formaggio actually got feelings because they are compatible and he likes her company, so asked her if she wanted to get more serious. She was hesitant, but accepted to upgrade into an exclusive relationship with him but with the disclaimer that she doesn’t want to marry, doesn’t want to settle down and doesn’t want to live with him. He was okay with that at first, but years passed and he deeply resents the arrangement because he actually wants a life with this woman. The rest of the team stopped picking on him about his relationship because once, when they got drunk, he bawled and cried his eyes out for the first time in front of them to the point they had to bring him home.

Illuso is actually married and he’s a smug snake about it. He continues to make jabs and remind everyone of the fact he is happy in a committed relationship with someone he loves very much. The others think he’s a big piece of shit and probably lying about the “happy” part of the equation. They were extremely bitter when they discovered he was actually pretty happy in his marriage, but that his spouse was a hermit who didn’t get out of the house for years because of their depression and codependency on Illuso and their family. He doesn’t know how to help them, they refuse medical help and Illuso can do nothing, but watch over them with his Stand (they actually know about Stands despite not having one because Illuso wanted to let them know he could always be with them).

Ghiaccio never had an actual relationship, not of romantic nature at least. He had sex, he had dates, but he never got so far to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. There was someone he liked when he was young, they were in his old high school before graduated and he nagged them to go out with him with a laundry list of things he could provide for them. When they informed him they were in a relationship already, he blow up and harassed them to know who it was, why and when it happened, positively scaring them. Since then, he’s too guarded to develop feelings.

Melone had a long-term relationship with a girl he met during his uni years. She didn’t approve of his closeness to the illegal underworld of Italy after graduation, but stayed with him for fear of retaliation if she broke up with him. She did cheat on him and he discovered this only after he was told he was infertile and she declared she was pregnant. He never told her anything, wanting to ignore the problems in their relationship, but she died of childbirth and he gave up the newborn to adoption. After that, he didn’t enter another romantic relationship and he started to affinate his technique to know people better with very simple elements like the taste of their skin.

#la squadra #la squadra esecuzioni #headcanons #hello i'm back on my bullshit #but diego will you let these guys have one nice thing? #absolutely not i like suffering

[trainwreck-in-glitter]

A PSA ON MY PERSONAL JULES VAUGHN OPINION:

Since everyone in the euphoria fandom seems to have differing sometimes extreme views on Jules (particularly her affect on Rue’s mental health, as well as her messy feelings around both Rue and Anna). I thought I’d make a bb thread on my take of what we’ve seen of Jules this season. Keep reading for some spoliers.

Jules & The War With Conquering Femininity

since episode one jules entered as a very dynamic character, everything from her distinguished wardrobe gives her an almost commanding presence despite the innate softness she carries. Nate himself deciding to corner her publicly at a party explicitly saying “nobody that looks like you is minding their own fucking business” while getting up in her face. Jules grabs a kitchen knife before threatening Nate asking “do you want to fucking hurt me?” before she cuts her arm and holds it up almost like a flag? and declares “she’s fucking invincible.” with Nates fathers tapes at home, Nate has grown up with all the values of toxic masculinity engraved in him since birth, which definitely showed itself when he threatened to have her done for child pornography not long after cat fishing her all because she rejected him (MADDY S2 GIRL PLEASE)

Jules was initially falling for Nate as he catfished her, and one night getting particularly intoxicated she hallucinates Nate and her having violent sex with him in which she is in charge. This counters all of her assumed very concerning risqué hookups with older men, in which she is usually more submissive. In one episode she states “it’s like if I can conquer men I can conquer feminity.” Being sent to mental hospital temporarily at a young age for self harm and severe depression likely linked to her experiences of gender dysphoria before and after transitioning, it makes sense that through these unsafe hookups Jules is getting affirmation about her place in the world and in her own body when you take this into account. This also seems to put a hurdle in the road when it comes to her exploring her own queerness, which she begins to do at later episodes particularly one sexual experience with Anna in which she hallucinates Rue a fair portion of the time even saying “you remind me of my best friend” before they hooked up.

Rules relationship/mental health

Rue and Jules met after the initial party at you guessed it (another party, y’all I swear euphoria teens get out way more often then actual humans right? maybe I’m just sad-). Rue patched up Jules’ wound and they got high together , their faces covered in glitter and they dreamily gaze at each other in a tent. They are every arm linked never one without the other best friend pair in a matter of days, Rue herself becoming noticeably jealous when Jules was still invested in ‘Tyler’ the false persona Nate crafted in order to attract Jules online who to him is the ideal example of feminity according to his psychotic lengthy checklist (see below).

After nearly seeing Rue overdose on fentanyl Jules is noticeably distraught and just manages to croak out that she’s “experienced enough traumatic shit in her life.” and “isn’t trying to be best friends with someone who’s trying to kill themself”. she tells Rue she doesn’t want to be around her unless she stops using, and Rue agrees too quickly for an addict. Too desperately, so much so that her attachment to Jules is even compared to her addiction Rue saying “nothing on planet earth comes close to fentanyl, except Jules.” who is apparently a ‘close second’. and then they’re everywhere in smudged liquid liner on bikes, tucking each other’s hair behind their ears and coyly smiling while gays everywhere crow and wonder if they’re truly just friends.

poor mental health in general can make even small tasks or everyday life things feel like an overstimulation, Jules and Rue separately have and still do bear the weight of repressed sexuality/gender expression, addiction issues, manic and depressive episodes, self harm and more. when you add things like catfishing, toxic masculinity, teenage insecurity and puppy dog eye teen love feelings often get heightened and any negative experience can be rapidly blown out of proportion. It’s no secret euphoria is a show of extremes, as are all teenagers especially those struggling outside of growing up already. when rue gets caught up in a moment and kisses Jules who seems unsure how to respond, she finds herself moments later pounding her dealers door begging for anything to take her mind off of the present moment. Jules also finds herself getting uncharacteristically drunk on the Halloween episode at a party, just after dodging rues second attempt of a kiss. While intoxicated she kisses rue underwater, leaving rue confused and feeling completely used. It’s entirely possible Jules needed liquid courage to actually take the plunge, remember she isn’t used to any kind of equal relationship.

they finally mutually kiss sober in collapse of sliding memories of the early friendship, most of which they are intertwined in bed. they both frequently tell each other that they look “fucking amazing” and even get matching lip tattoos of enneagram of their names ‘rules’. To me Rue seems like every textbook teenager smitten, on edge and bashful around Jules seen when she asks her for dinner per her mums requests. They are everything we feel and see and experience in school hallways and night streets and body odour reeking school cafeterias, the innocent lack of subtlety and pure comfort. however they come with a side mix of intoxication, mental illness, personal identity issues and themes of codependency (per the rues sobriety ultimatum and rues repition of affirming “Jules is the best thing that’s happened to her in so long”.

with Lexi and others frequently commenting and or that alluding that Jules is responsible for Rue’s sobriety, Jules starts to visibly panic. her eyeliner becomes harsher and more ethereal yet at the same time more cutting around the time she starts to push herself away from Rue (a decision said to be deliberate by the makeup artist). Rue asks to go home with her one night to which Jules hesitantly agrees instead of declining, from Jules’ perspective it’s abundantly clear she’s feeling the pressure of keeping her ¿girlfriend'¿ alive. that impending guilt she’s feeling because she knows inevitably she will likely hurt rue somehow whether they drift apart, etc to me it’s clear she’s ready to run away from her unsaid role of caregiver.

rue asks Jules if she wants to just pack up and leave and live in the city with her soon after she confesses to being in love with both Anna and her. Whether this was an impulsive attempt at getting ins first by rue or just a testament of how much Jules’ could dictate her life. Rue begins having second thoughts and Jules ends up tearfully leaving on the train without her. so why the fuck did she leave then? the pressure? the crazy ass town? the love she didn’t want to fuck up? or did she just want someone who would get on the train for her? many questions, probably more than one answer. this scene aside jules remains my favourite, and I’m still needing a hug from her 🥺

Conclusion of S1 Jules Vaughn =

I personally believe Rue gets more understanding for her complex character as opposed to Jules, who actively struggled with her gender expression and navogating her own likes and needs while trying to engage in an intense level relationship with somebody who has self destructive tendencies has made some mistakes in said relationship. Similarly so has rue, because it’s too fucking easy to accidentally cross toxic borders in relationships. I believe that if pray hope Jules returns from the city it’s in an extended time, when both her and rue have had the hours and minutes they need to grow and understand their own afflictions more. Ultimately Jules is just trying to decipher her own feelings for rue still, the hookup with Anna was all part of addressing that. Ultimately Jules is still trying to decipher her feelings, but for me she’s the most relatable three dimensional character to be shown on television. perfectly capturing the beautiful messiness in maturing, and the naivety in love and heartbreak.

#rue x jules #euphoria #jules vaughn #euphoria hbo #rue bennet icons #rue bennett #tw scars

[krissykat420]

All the things I've needed to say

Hello, 

First of all I want to ask that you please bear with me and my words as I try my fucking hardest to slice my chest open with this paper and pour my heart out onto it at the same time. I've prayed for guidance and for you. 

I hate the words “I'm sorry” as they do nothing to convey if someone is sincerely and unconditionally sorry. Also, I've found myself using this phrase out of pure routine and avoidance....without any true feelings of sympathy or guilt. I've always been someone to refrain from recognizing and accepting my wrongs. My pride is high even if my self-esteem is low and I do agree that I display narcissistic traits. I often apologize to avoid dealing with an issue rather than honestly admitting my faults and accepting the shame guilt and remorse associated with them. I do have that ability I just choose to avoid it at times to feel like I am not to blame. I feel as if I am trying to explain someone who I have lived as and you have lived with....someone who you could so easily explain while I struggle to explain the nature of the girl staring back at me in the mirror. 

okay, I know that I have made enough jail references and it is becoming more of a distant experience instead of a recent challenge. However, I'm going to try to recall some of the nights I spent full of emotions with a bible in my lap and tears in my eyes trying to figure out how to make it in there and out here. I've always been codependent even though I claim independence and being forced to depend on myself and my God alone was what I needed to experience. I told myself regularly that jail was a necessity to my survival as God made it part of His plan for my life. I needed jail and I desperately needed to realize that I was not God and I was not able to decide the worth of others. It took me months to accept that I had made the decisions I had made and I had treated those who loved me most so fucking wrong. I still have a hard time believing that I was so cruel and cold. Feelings of pure shame and embarrassment sit at the bottom of my stomach every single day. I still try to mask these feelings by disregarding the severity of my actions and laughing at the story of it all. I am still learning how to cope outside of punishment and distance from those I hurt. I need to pray about this more and focus on the future rather than the damages of the past. 

I remember when things first began for us in every way. I remember hating you because you had a idgaf attitude that I actually envied. I remember the way you enjoyed life and focused on your happiness rather than meeting the needs of everyone else. Even down to sleeping with a damn ashtray because you do shit how you do it. I think that Ive always been attracted to you since I met you but different aspects have been highlighted over the years. Your personality and your mannerisms, your gestures, expressions, your behaviors all together attract me more than I could explain. I know that throughout our relationship arguments and attempts to change you were frequent as this happens with every relationship I have been in in the past. I am someone who likes to make projects out of people instead of finding a legit hobby to occupy my time and attention. I find myself so focused on avoiding my own issue and instead magnifying the “problems” I find within others. I hate that I do this because I know that I strive to be more open minded and accepting as a person all together. I find myself getting lost in the moment so often that I fail to realize patterns of my behaviors and the repeated consequences. I seriously have to create timelines in my head frequently to reflect on how insane my behaviors look. I want to stop this cycle so bad. I judge the person closest to me so much to avoid judging myself when that is who I need to be focused on instead. 

Anyways back to you, whenever I brought you to my house when you were avoiding my ex husband I did because I was uncomfortable with my choices and I wanted you to know what I was doing. I needed someone who cared to break that pipe and tell me I was fucking up and deserving of more. Its like someone who cuts their wrists but doesn't cover them up completely when going to school....so that its a call for help. I wanted you to care CJ. I know that I said that I purposely “got you addicted” but I lied to seem even more heartless than I was. I didn't have any premeditated thoughts of trying to get you addicted like I was however misery does love company and I was miserable inside and out. I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts and I wanted someone who loved me around to lessen the guilt and shame that I felt inside. As time passed I pushed those feelings back and focused on my ego alone. I treated you so badly because I was in love with myself and who I had become at that time. I knew that if anyone could destroy my ego then it was you so I attempted to destroy yours first. I manipulated, abused and took advantage of you in every way possible because it fueled my ego. I was not only on a high from drug use but a high from false power and control. I honestly think that I allowed the devil to enter my life in ways that I never have before. I have had a faith in God since I was younger as I prayed to Him with full realization for the first time in the passenger seat of my moms old Honda car in our drive way one night when I was about 12 years old. I've given my testimony in front of my home church when I was younger and I've rededicated my life more than once. I turned my back on God when I was in high school and found God again in rehab. I know that I need a closer relationship with Him today as I became closer to him in jail and have distanced myself again since I was released. I never want to allow myself to become so lost again. I never want to have a disregard for life like I did before......testing God, thinking I was God at times and seriously playing with nothing but fire. 

Even though I have not made every right decision since I am a lot more aware of how scared I am of myself and who I have been in the past. I am trying my absolute best to focus on the present and live in the moment in a positive way. However the stress the unknown future does affect me and my choices. I am trying to be the best me I can be today. I am also trying my hardest to give you the best of me as well. I know that I've disappointed you but part of me knows that I am again falling back on the cutting wrist example given earlier. I desire affection and attention and I want that from you. I also need direction and discipline as I have lacked so much In the past but I also want that from you. I'm still clearly struggling with self discipline, self love (without drugs), and being content with myself. 

I know that no amount of words could ever compare to action and time to show that I am sincerely, honestly and completely dedicated to our happiness. I hope that I've given you some insight into the craziness of my mind. 

I think of our family, our happiness and the future I want for us so badly. I also feel so undeserving of this yet I know everyone deserves the best. CJ you are my best and I just want to be your best too. I promise I will die trying for not only you but my daughter as well. 

Lost story short, I'll die sorry for who I've been and I'll be forever burying that part of my past.