#your probably asking. fran. can you got THREE DAYS without the navel gazing obsession with your own selfhood and realization as a person

[soldier-poet-king]

Wahhhhhh

The tldr is my boss couldn't go to this meeting today so I got sent to represent our archive, and I was the only archivist there in a group of professors and PhD students (whose research is tangentially related to the contents of the archive) and I'm just ahhhh

On the one hand, it was great, sitting around a table talking research for a few hours over lunch, it's all the best parts of grad school seminars and I've missed having those kinds of discussions IMMENSELY and it feels like a missing piece of myself has been returned. Even just from mostly listening for the duration.

On the other hand. The sense of imposter syndrome not being a Real Academic. And the sense of loss and regret. Yes yes I didn't go for my PhD because health, finances, awful job prospects for classicists. But I LOVED grad school. I love my MA and learning and studying and being a student. I miss it terribly, even though I'm good at and enjoy my profession.

Even had health/finances not been a concern, I'd never have been able to decide on a focused research topic for a dissertation. My interests are too broad. They're not even limited to classics. I'm bouncing between life changing academic interests constantly, and each one is foundational and obsessive, in its own way. I joked to Atlas this week that I was supposed to be born a foppish renaissance dilettante, but it's not even really a joke.

I know. I KNOW. My unlived lives aren't real. They shouldn't haunt me. The me that exists is de facto the best version of me because it's the ONLY me that exists. And life doesn't have to be perfect it just has to be Good. And it is good. But also. Why can't I be a full-time student just learning, never having to publish, but also an archivist and information professional, but also a mutual aid volunteer and praxis oriented person, and Also have time for hobbies like crafting and novel reading and video games, and things like cooking and gardening and strength training.

I'm aware that harmonizing and coming to peace with the multitudinous aspects of the self is the work of a lifetime but also I want it to happen /now/

#the duality of fran #your probably asking. fran. can you got THREE DAYS without the navel gazing obsession with your own selfhood and realization as a person #and without obsessing about the purpode and telos and fulfillment of ur own existence #the answer is. no ❤️ #ahhh itll be ok im just. boooooo reminded of all the things i try not to think abt #life is so short! life is so long! #i am so tired. too tired for even a fraction of the life i want to live #yknow the usual typical person who didnt think they would live this long and would definitely kms before this #so now its like. i gotta learn to live. i have to find out what i want. and the answer is apparently. i want everything #yes its part pride and ambition #but its also wonder and joy and awe and curiosity #why do i have to pick ONE thing. where there is SO much out there #life is too short for all the marvels of the universe #and i am too much a dilettante for it all #oh it is a good world and good life #some days i am just. afraid of the hunger for it all