tcookies777

[tcookies777]

Where I am now

Many of you have left such kind comments and sent me messages out of concern for my wellbeing. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also appreciate your patience as I understand it can be difficult to wait months for a chapter update on a long, tedious fic such as The Anatomy of Love. Your patience for this story is always sincerely appreciated.

I've been struggling for months to find the right words to say. To decide whether to express the ache in my heart or draw lines and stay silent. But while a part of me wishes to say little to nothing on the matter out of a sense of shame, the better part of me recognizes that conversations like the one I'm about to raise are something that needs to be discussed more. If only to raise awareness of the topic or help destigmatize it. If only to normalize issues like these. If only to just help someone else who might be going through a dark period in their life as well.

It's here that I'll give a final warning of the sensitive topics of this post. So feel free to turn away now if the topic of mental illness might be upsetting.

Trigger warning: suicide and mental illness

Ok, so here goes....

My sister committed suicide. I won't go into details of course, but it was not peaceful or quiet - it was violent, gruesome, and excruciatingly painful. So much so that the police thought it might've been a murder and harshly investigated us, making everything more difficult and traumatizing than it already was.

She had battled with depression for nearly 2 decades, deteriorating far beyond recognition. We had grown estranged over the years of my childhood because she pushed loved ones away, blaming them for the way she turned out but also still relying on them to survive. An awful cycle of codependency.

I myself have been battling with high-functioning depression for the past decade, which is one reason why I struggle to respond to people's messages. From readers, friends, and family alike. I, too, have an issue of pushing people away. Because I'm ashamed for them to see how broken my life is. Because I have seen the way people judge you for having a mental illness. I have witnessed friends, family, and even Healthcare workers gaze upon the mentally ill as if they are a sore sight.

To be honest, I understand both sides; it can also be frustrating to pool all your time, effort and resources into trying to help someone who does not want to be helped. It burns you out. That despite your efforts to fight for that person, they do not fight for themselves and you're forced to watch them deteriorate in a slow, agonizing process.

"At the beginning, you’ll do your best to shoulder all my burdens. At the beginning, you’ll be strong about it. But over time, you’ll come to regret it—you'll come to regret me, and the burden that I have become to you." — Kakashi, Chapter 30 of The Anatomy of Love

On the other side, it's hard to take that step to accept the help offered to you. It's hard to find the strength to meet your loved ones halfway and help them to help you when you hardly have the strength to even get out of bed. Yet, you also feel guilty because it feels as if you are just dragging down those around you.

These are the feelings Kakashi expresses to Sakura in Chapter 30, when he tries to explain the reasons why they cannot and should not pursue a relationship. Guilt and self-loathing are the feelings that have been eating me up inside for years, as they ate at my sister as well.

We were born from a loveless, violent marriage. So we didn't know how to love each other, though we did whether we wanted to or not. Likely it was the trauma that bonded us. But put together, my sister and I were oil and water. Loving someone who is your family but is practically a stranger to you is incredibly difficult and taxing.

Yet, I understood completely. You just don't know how to show love to someone when you were never given love.

But despite my estrangement from my sister, I still love her. Being a 1st generation American often means you have nothing but your family. When you have no house, no savings, no relatives to turn to - just your immediate family - it can be a toxic, tough love where you have only that person whether you like them or not. And in Asian culture, family is especially everything even when it's completely dysfunctional.

So why am I updating TAOL now?

It's mostly for myself. Because it's my own comfort fic that allows me to engage in therapeutic writing. It's a story of loneliness and love of all forms (romantic, sexual, familial, etc). More importantly, it's a story about finding family, finding love, and finding home. Something that I've yearned for all my life.

And it's a story of pursuing happiness even when you think you don't deserve it. It's a story that shows good coping mechanisms and bad coping mechanisms and their consequences. It's a story of picking yourself up by the bootstraps even when you just want to sit and wallow in despair. And it's also a story of embracing the love of those around you and taking their hands when they reach out to you and offer their support.

At its core, The Anatomy of Love is a story about fighting loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, and mental illness with love. With the love of friends and family. And with the love for yourself. Because while it's important to have a strong support system to love and look out for you, it is just as important to love yourself and really put in the effort to take care of yourself. And sometimes that means being ""selfish"" and prioritizing yourself over others.

Why am I saying all this?

I'll admit, I'm uncomfortable revealing the skeletons in my closet to strangers online where everyone can judge and share my secrets. I'm embarrassed to admit that TAOL's themes are projections of my own desires, and for people to know that I write about such things in fanfic because of the fact that I don't have them. But I'm just too insecure to talk to anyone 1 on 1. Not to mention that, unfortunately, it's not that simple to just go to therapy (especially when the healthcare system is broke here).

Most importantly, I hope that if there's anyone out there reading this and going through a shitty point in their lives as well... I hope you are able to take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this. We individually have our own demons to fight, but we're all fighting the same battle.

I wish I could say it gets better, but there's honestly no guarantee. So many times, I've had to stop myself from telling patients "things'll get better" because that's a promise that we're taught never to make. The truth is no one knows if things really do get better. Personally, I haven't been feeling better at all. For most of my life, people have been telling me it gets better and to just be patient, but every year it actually gets worse and worse. And just when you think things are starting to look up, it instead gets even more worse.

It's tiresome waiting years for things to get better when it seems it's nowhere in sight.

But I'm trying my best to take it day by day. I do my best to get out of bed, go to work, take a proper shower, feed myself. I do my best to love myself - mostly out of fear that what little family I have will one day disappear and I will have no one left to love me. No one but myself.

But sometimes my best does not feel enough. Sometimes I hate myself more days than others.

That's okay, I tell myself. I hate myself today, but I will love myself tomorrow. I will forgive myself eventually. I can be happy eventually. One day at a time.

Because on my better days, I realize that not every person can afford to wait for things to get better. You have to be the one to take the initiative - get off your ass and take that step forward and make things better yourself. All the people around you can offer you all the help that you need, but the most important thing is that YOU have to want to help yourself.

So that's all I am able to say for now. I do apologize if my thoughts are a bit discombobulated. I am still struggling to find my feet when it feels like I'm still drowning under pounding waves of darkness. If you've read this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Meanwhile, I hope you guys can continue to enjoy reading The Anatomy of Love. The chapter is not entirely to my satisfaction due to the last minute revisions I made, but I wanted a sprinkle of happiness in the moment. I think that's something we all need.

Also, thank you for the messages you have sent me and the comments you left. I'm truly sorry I do not have the courage or strength to respond, but please know I am forever grateful and touched that people would reach out to a stranger like me.

Hope to see you soon,

TCOOKIES

#a cookie speaks #the anatomy of love

[tcookies777]

The Anatomy of Love Chapter 50 is updated

Read on ArchiveofOurOwn

Chapter preview:

She returned the files to the hard case but her hand lingered over another folder tucked at the back. She withdrew that one and flipped it open only to find three words stamped in blood red across the page: KILLED IN ACTION.

Her frown deepened and Sakura glanced at the photo in the corner. Instead of the face of a human, the profile photo of the dead soldier was merely a helmet with a weasel design.

She stared at the weasel’s grinning face painted over the visor before flicking her eyes to the soldier’s name: Genki.

No last name was provided.

Sakura thumbed through the other papers, finding each of them similarly with no last names and declared as KILLED IN ACTION: Tsutomu, Haya, Jun, Yori, Junichiro, Chikako, Tatsuo, Anzu, Aneko, Daitaro, Hiraku, Joji, Masakatsu, Tadaki, Osamu, Tomoya, Obito, and... Rin?

What? Hadn’t Rin been the woman she’d glimpsed in the hospital? Kakashi had been visiting her at the time, and even though the woman was unconscious, he had spoken to her as if she was still alive.

“So why does it say she’s K.I.A.?” Sakura pondered aloud.

#kakasaku #kakashi x sakura #naruto fanfiction

[tcookies777]

The Anatomy of Love Ch 49 is updated

Read on ArchiveofOurOwn

Chapter preview:

Yes, she was still deliciously sore from last night, but what was pleasure without a bit of pain?

He rocked his finger into her first, teasing her before adding a second finger that made her lips part as she felt the beginning of the stretch.

His fingers curled, exploring her insides and testing just how messy she was inside. Whatever he felt, whatever he found, it made Kakashi’s lips lift into a sensual smirk she yearned to kiss.

“The neighbors will be awake by now,” he said, pulling his fingers out to examine the web of fluid clinging to his digits. “But don’t worry. I promised you’d be able to scream as loud as you like.”

#kakasaku #kakashi x sakura #naruto fanfiction

[tcookies777]

[노고] - reposted w/ permission

[tcookies777]

One of the funniest things about enemies-to-lovers ships is how they’re almost always obsessed with each other. Like if a character actively chooses to interact with another character over and over again instead of simply ignoring them? Throw darts at it all you want, but you still printed out a picture of them to hang on your wall

[tcookies777]

The Anatomy of Love Chapter 48 has been updated!

Read on ArchiveofOurOwn

Chapter preview:

Licking her lips, Sakura gripped the top of the dress and pulled it down. Inch by inch, the dress fell past her breasts leaving her nipples stiff, down the flat planes of her stomach and then the apex of her thighs. Kakashi followed the dress with his eyes, and Sakura watched him watch her undress until the gown slid to the floor in a bloody pool at her feet.

A pair of black lace panties soon joined the discarded dress.

A second whispered by, and then Kakashi slowly drew his eyes back up her moon-bathed figure. Sakura stepped out of the gown, one foot after the other, and waited.

#kakashi x sakura #kakasaku #the anatomy of love #naruto fanfiction

[tcookies777]

new TAOL chapter coming

I'll finaly be uploading the next chapter of The Anatomy of Love on Friday, December 8 at 3pm PST. Not Sunday because I will be half-awake and high on coffee that day in preparation for finals week.

The chapter is a whopping ~20k words worth with some special seasoning of spice in it. So I hope this special, gargantuan chapter compensates for the late update and serves as a nice study break for you guys if you're also finishing finals.

Anyway, my joints are creaking, back aches, hip hurts, and I'm getting so much white hair now, so cross fingers for me that I'll survive finals because I'm not as young as I was before 😭

And good luck to you guys too!

#kakasaku #kakashi x sakura #the anatomy of love

[tcookies777]

an underrated detail in pride and prejudice is that elizabeth bennett was home alone on the day darcy proposed because she had a headache. can you imagine. this was in the pre-painkillers era. you're at home with a headache and then this asshole walks into the room and tells you he loves you and wants to marry you even though he hates your whole family and you're beneath him. imagine having to deal with that while also having a headache. she doesn't even have ibuprofen

[tcookies777]

to you, it's a shitty sentence. to some random bitch 500 miles away, it's a fire line that'll haunt them for the next 17 years.

you don't know how impactful your writing is because it's been in your brain for far too long now. you've stared at it for hours and repeated "this sucks" over and over again to the point that you killed your capacity to feel anything about your work.

but trust me, once you get your shit out there, someone's gonna go over that paragraph you hate and go "jesus fucking christ" and put the book down to have an existential crisis.

[tcookies777]

Life gets so much better when you realize you can stop reading a book or a fic as soon as you stop liking it. You can stop watching a movie or a TV show as soon as it loses your interest. You can stop following someone at any point when you don't like what they're posting or your interests don't align anymore.

You literally do not have to continue spending your free time doing things you don't want to do. Set yourself free. Life is too short to spend it chained to things you hate because you think you have to be there.

[tcookies777]

This happens daily

[tcookies777]

This is not my art (I sadly couldn't find the original artist), but it's still absolutely gorgeous 😍

[tcookies777]

[tcookies777]

[tcookies777]

Publishing your work online and wanting the approval of your audience makes it hard to remember sometimes that you don't owe anyone your creativity. Sure, it's a give and take. You bless them with your work and they show gratitude. But one does not dictate the other.

Write and create when you feel like it, not because you feel forced to satisfy someone else.

[tcookies777]

[tcookies777]

hi i bet you get this all the time and you dont have to answer if you dont want to BUT what was your journey to being an Actual Tv Writer like? im looking into becoming a writer but im so out of my depth on how to do it

My journey to being a TV writer is incredibly regular -- it's kind of the template of how it should work. That being said not everyone goes this route, and not everyone who tries it is as lucky as I was! But it's kind of the most "basic" method.

I moved out to LA in 2011 to go to grad school. I don't think grad school is necessary for everyone -- the two biggest things I got out of it were time to write and a close group of friends, so if you can obtain that in other ways you might as well save yourself the $$. While I was in grad school, I worked a little in the industry, freelancing as a script supervisor on a number of student films, vanity projects, webseries, and commercials. I also worked at a couple of internships, where I met more people than just my classmates.

Once I graduated, I kept doing the un/underemployed thing (I read and reviewed self-published novels for rent money) until I was lucky enough to get a job as a production office production assistant on an NBC show called Aquarius. I spent a season getting lunches and running copies for the production office (which includes the accountants, art department, locations, and general office staff). I did that on two more shows before I got hired as the writer's production assistant for The Blacklist. I was still getting lunches and running copies, but for the writers! Woohoo!

After two years of that, there was an opening in the writer's room for script coordinator. The script coordinator is kind of between assistant and writer. I read every script about 1,000 times, proofreading, looking for continuity errors, and keeping up the entire writer's room, cast, and crew all on what was the most current copy of the script. It was an amazing job that was hard as fuck but I really enjoyed because I got to really get into the heads of my bosses. In my second year of that, they told me I could pitch them ideas, and I pitched an idea that became episode 618. I wrote it and it went really well, I think in part because I was so familiar with their voice. After that, they brought me on as a writer full time for season 7, and I was a writer there for the next four years.

My advice to you is twofold --

Work on your writing. I really like Pam Douglas' book "Writing the TV Drama Series." There are some good podcasts, particularly by John August and Craig Mazin, though I'm sure there are others. Read as many scripts as you can. When you have a script, enter contests to get feedback. Here is a great list of the most reputable ones, so you can get feedback and hopefully a little credit to your name if you place highly in one.

Make friends. I find that "networking events" are stupid, but HAVING a network is invaluable. Every TV job I've ever gotten is because I knew someone already working there. Move to LA and start meeting people. For me, besides my grad school classmates, it was improv classes, D&D, and working on the low-budget sets as a script supervisor (different from script coordinator, I know it's confusing), but you can find your own thing. The more friends I made in the TV assistant world, the MORE friends I made. As they say, a rising tide raises all ships, and that has been very true for me. Be nice and cool to everyone -- you never know when that construction PA you worked with on one show might be the in to your next.

Good luck!! Let me know if you have any more questions! :)