tellmesomethinggg

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 127

i am mentally ill.

that's it, that's the journal. it's been a while but here we go again. time to be introspective.

i might actually be developing an eating disorder for once and i have really, really, disordered sleeping atm. like i was pretty on top of things but i think coming to one month to submission last month was a big slap to the face and fucked up my solid-ness and any sense of a grip that i had. i'm tired all the time but the good thing is that there's still some part of me that's trying? i also went up on my meds to 100 today, so maybe that's part of why i feel so down today?

i'm kinda sad that max doesn't meet in person, like ever, and i want to ask him out but i also don't want my mental health to become dependent on him in any way. like i don't really know how to explain it, but i know i have to get things in order on my own end before i were to ever *make a move*

i am in such a weird place, i need to eat but my stomach is kinda eh rn, and the probiotics only help so much, but then again i also dont have the best diet to begin with. maybe i should look into omeprazole? maybe that might help but i should ask my doc next time i see her.

i've been listening to broadway for a while now, partly induced by hadestown trip yesterday, but also bc there's some level of it that's soothing to me, i can't really explain it, but i also know that when i start listening to broadway, that's when i know i'm not doing too well. unfortunately. i think maybe its when i listen to broadway non-stop and don't really change it up.

you know, it's funny bc when i saw max at clinic a couple weekends ago, i thought he stopped for a reason, like there was a deeper meaning, but then i said it and their response was low self esteem that i'd think there has to be a reason instead of him just stopping to ask me a question. idk, i think whenever i'm lower and more stressed i don't see myself the same way? i need to start working out a bit more, but then that requires me to get up earlier, which means fucking up my sleep schedule even more, and then everything gets thrown off more and then it takes more energy just to get out of bed, so for now, until school ends at the very least, i'll prob just focus on getting through classes, passing with a b at least, and working on secondaries next week.

i still want to ask him out - can you tell i'm distracted by him?! it's a little annoying like i can't think of anything better? that plus hadestown and orpheus and persephone has just put me into super simp mode and i just want to be held romantically and cry. or maybe i just need to cry? i know it's been almost three months since i've really cried, except it's so much to cry now, and i don't really have a place to cry rn except while driving from class to home or from work to home. plus it's lowkey actually high key annoying to cry, except it does make me feel a lot better. i have a feeling i'm gonna start crying wed night and lose it once i actually apply and get through the day. like i genuinely feel like i'm just holding it together until then. at least i'm holding it together though i guess.

idk as much as i love everyone, i really don't feel like i'm comfy confronting a lot of these deeper emotions with them. like i can be sappy and simpy and all forms of happy with them, but i think i'm so used to dealing with these more negative feelings on my own, but i want to be able to share them with someone - which may be partly why i want to be able to find a ltr where i can share these kinds of things, like he's been pretty good w my essay and the vibes are good from him, but i think i'm just scared of that kind of commitment again. esp considering last time my emotions were just used against me, and i didn't *truly* have a safe space like i thought i would. maybe that's why i don't really like sharing this stuff with people too often? i feel like alisa would understand, but i also don't want to trauma dump, esp bc i know it's triggering. it's hard but i think for now, we just wait? i hate waiting. i just want to be held for a bit.

ugh.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 126

HOLDJKFLJAKLFJDSKAL CKDLS KLDSA FLKA someone needs to slap the shit out of me i am such a simp and i caNNOT stop thinking about it. let me hyperanalyze now and then i'll talk to sophie or someone later and then deal with it and get some feel of reality to this whole mess.

it's not even a mess stfu. KFDSL;MFKLKDFKMDSKMFKDSNFKNDSKLF JLKDJLF DNCMNDELK CELWJFIWEJ i can't be allowed to think about this anymore. ofc he was sweet, but there was a tinge of friendliness and joking that was a bit more than the last time i saw him. he asked about my former hole in my leg, joked with me about norcal/socal and about applying high as a joke. he was reassuring about this whole process, and just overall wow. i don't know if i've just not been exposed to a guy like this and i'm just in awe bc he treats me normal instead of how the redacteds did.

i can tell i'm overreacting to some of this - ofc he's gonna ask about my leg, he's not an asshole. but also, "it was good having you also in the room with me" ?????????????????????????????????????? i just- the sweetest thing. bc all i said was regular, oh it was good to see you kinda thing, which is what you'd usually say no? or am i also saying more than what you'd usually say? or am i just batshit crazy rn?

i haven't actually liked someone in SO LONG, and this is the first legit "crush" i've had in god knows how long. at least since third year, so it's been about a year? but this is different, i actually want to do something about it now? like i've never been on the cusp of actually trying to get in person time w him, and trying to push to get coffee next time, or even food or boba. i just- just really need to wake up and - or i'm awake. i just don't know what to do with myself, esp since i haven't felt like this before. this feels different somehow, and i don't know how to explain it. it's not love, bc or actually i don't know what exactly romantic love feels like, but i don't this is it. this is some weird - actually let me look for better words. playful love i think is the closest. the butterflies and excitement, and hope and just waiting or wanting the next thing to happen.

idk it feels almost like i'm crazy since it's been so long, and i know there are certain things, but i haven't gotten an ick from being around him at all. like all our interactions are friendly, teasing/joking, supportive. that's healthy! that's good! there's respect! and i can't help but feel like the more we talk the more i feel like an equal instead of an oh you're higher up than me, it's more of we're equals but i trust you for advice to explain this to me. ? i think that makes sense.

but i know if things don't go the way i want, then i won't really like reading this over again. i'm wishing so badly that things go well. *manifesting* too.

you always been a dream to me

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 125

back to the computer, let's see if i got any new comments

i am a mix of emotions. a ball of feelings. a bottle of thoughts.

some good, some bad. some just analyzing the fuck out of everything.

i am never fully going to recover from the diagnosis. the scar is never going to go away and i'll have a permanent reminder (as if i needed one) of what happened, what i avoided, what could have been had i not known what to look for. i still feel like i've pushed off handling or managing or acknowledging and processing this whole thing and only end up processing it in bits and pieces, but it just never feels real or right. i don't really know how to explain it.

i also really really really need a good cry. i think it's partly due to not having processed that whole ordeal but also because i don't remember the last time i had a good cry. plus there's the whole roommate shit that's also driving me nuts. if i didn't risk losing my parking spot or didn't have to get up so early in the morning i might just go for a drive and cry, but i just don't have the energy right now. sometimes i wonder if when i don't have the energy if that's me legitimately tired, or if my depresso is just getting worse.

i'm scared. i have an appt tomorrow and if there's any need for a biopsy or if anything has changed size then i might just lose it. but i don't have time to lose it.

i'm feeling bittersweet. i read my letter to future me today and i've become what i wanted to become and more. i basically manifested that shit (minus the bf stuff but that was expected). i'm proud that we made it this far, but also, tired and burned out from dealing w that guy.

i'm exhausted. my body aches now, good aches, but still aches. i'm touch deprived and am seriously considering dating apps again. but also i don't want a non-serious thing, i want like a spring fling type of thing. lasts a little while but i'm not expecting marriage or anything at the end of it. ... and i've got immediate support from the group chat. "ma'am you've been simping over a med student and our physio lab ta" ANYWAYS i needed to be called out but i know it comes from a place of friendship

i should get some water

and then maybe download apps

and then deal with my ~emotions~ and trauma later

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 124

it's been a hot minute and i'm not surprised that i had one today. i've been anxious about this all day pretty much - a good anxious/excited though- so ig with everything my system just got overwhelmed. it's been hard to finish my work since then bc i have a huge scatterbrain now. i'm doing my best to try and focus more, but hey, we're doing the best we can. i just have on assignment due today and i can take the rest at my own pace and i'll be okay. i'm grateful i have enough of a handle on everything that i can deal w it and keep moving, albeit at such a slow pace. but hey, like i said, just the one assignment today. and i have plans to study later this week so i think we'll be okay.

i've got such a support system now though. like who would have thought? i really didn't see things improving for a while but hey. growth happens i guess? idk i feel like this whole journal is just for me to calm myself down and then get ready mentally again to keep going. i'm gonna wait five more mins before getting in line and then we'll have to find a spot to sit so we can talk? idek how this is supposed to go, i know i have some general questions but idk, i'm probably just gonna figure it out as it goes.

this is dumb but i'm just waiting for him to tell me he's got a gf or is married or something like that. just crush my thoughts now so i don't have to stress about if he likes me back or not. so dumb HBAHAHFWI i hate that i'm becoming this person again. but hey, i genuinely can't help it and the best i can do is to just let things happen and go from there. which is what i genuinely hate but still. god these five minutes are long as fuck. i guess i can start getting packed and start moving a bit, but i'm also worried he'll be late bc he'll got lost or something. but hey, idk. we'll see. i hate saying that but there's no other option for what to say. we'll see.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 123

i'm surprised that i'm only at 123? i mean granted i haven't journaled much since first year, and have only started to pick it up the past few months dealing w everything again.

oh and i don't have diabetes so no eating disorder just yet, just disordered eating for now

i'm conflicted. i'm excited to be feeling butterflies again, and to be feeling human enough and recovered enough to even seriously entertain these ideas, but i'm so scared. i know that i have a much better support system now, but even then, what's to prevent something like that happening again? i know it's not impossible to happen again, but i just want to not worry too much about that and just be on the lookout for red flags, but to also not overthink things too much. i've been letting myself get carried away w everything, but partially as a distracting factor, and this is also the first time in a while i've really felt like i have a solid group to be around.

i don't know, i think i'm mostly hopeful though. idk how much would actually happen, but at the very least, i have a mentor! (and a friend too! i think it's fair to consider us friends, though very casually, not necessarily close friends). but i want to be positive about this and not be totally crazy on monday bc i have let my brain run wild the past few days. anyways.

there's so much going on besides this but i just can't help think about this. i'm really, truly feeling like myself again on such a regular basis, and it's crazy to see how much things have turned around since july, let alone since first year.

kinda makes me wonder how much things would've been better if i'd been on meds since second year or even first year. but hey, we have the help we need now, and god is it life-saving.

anyways, i am being hopelessly optimistic, but i need to sleep soon so i can survive the day. wonder who'll be at clinic tomorrow? *raises eyebrows*

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 122

i'm gonna end up developing a fucking eating disorder. i literally spent all of dinner overeating and then thinking about how i shouldn't be eating anything bc my blood sugar was so high fasting this morning, and i'm just digging myself into a fucking grave. and then of course the rational part of my brain barely peeks in saying just eat you need food only to be immediately silenced about why i shouldn't be eating. i'm thinking all about how i'm supposed to be exercising but can't even bring myself to get out of bed sometimes. i genuinely don't know how i'm even going to prevent myself from getting full on diabetes at 21.

dude i literally could be getting this as a side effect of dealing with constant stress and depression and anxiety and just overall not taking care of my body because of that and i'm so ready to fight andre. i fucking hate him.

i need to do my fucking app reviews.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 121

so this idea of reciprocity has been bugging me for a bit now. i've been thinking about it casually for a while, when trying to figure out how much energy to put into jon and our friendship, and when i think about my different relationships, and learning to categorize them and determine the level that i stand with others and where they stand with me. with jon, i had no good concept of it, to the point where i overestimated where i stood with her, and that became shockingly apparent this past summer, but also just the longer that i was around her, the more i would realize that i'm not as close with her she's not as close with me as i had initially thought. i had even discussed this with my doctor and with my dad too. but then she posts today about how people don't reciprocate with her, and how she/they don't owe them/her anything. and i think this idea of how reciprocity and relationships work is just really bugging me. because it's not like anyone owes me anything, but in order for a relationship to have a good foundation, to hold it together and keep things going, effort has to be reciprocated. which means, in a way, yes, you do owe them a response or time or anything, if you expect the relationship to go anyplace. and i think it'd be interesting to have that conversation with her, because i don't truly know how she doesn't seem to understand that aspect of things. she would always have a bazillion unread messages, and would prioritize certain people more than others - which i guess is what anyone would do, but idk, sometimes i feel like it was exaggerated or idk how to explain it without going into a full analysis of that one game night and i don't really want to right now.

anyways, where was i? oh so this idea that it's not really owing people anything, it's making the decision to say, hey, you're a person i care about, and i'm going to put energy into our relationship, and if we want this to be solid, then you'll put energy into this too. i mean, granted for me it takes a sed for me to say hmm yes, i can put energy into being around you more full-time or texting more often or just normal friend things, but that's mainly because with jon and before, a lot of relationships didn't end well or go well because i miscalculated who was worth my time and energy and was willing to reciprocate things. and it's weird, because i have such a small group of people who i do trust and do feel like giving the time and care towards. it is nice though to be working and being around people who are genuinely good, and have been a positive impact? no fOrCe no energy? that also wounds weird i think you get what i mean but anyways a positive thing in my life, especially when i compare everything to where i was a year or two ago.

i'm wasting time. but it was kinda nice to be able to put these thoughts down on ~ paper ~ and figure out some of why her finsta post bothered me so much.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 120

so it's been a hot minute. the last time that i journaled i was going through one of my first few shitshows as president. it's been non-stop, and i think this is one of the few times i've just sat with myself and really thought about things.

since march, so much has happened. good, bad, eh. i think the biggest thing, the most pertinent to this stupid little void journal is dealing with my diagnosis. i read my doctors soap notes on my visits and found out she was screening me for depression and thought i might be developing something. (lmao she was so right, who knew) god knows how long i've actually been dealing with depression (i know for sure spring '20, now that i can actually identify my symptoms as depression instead of just feeling out of it). i'm oh so grateful for my meds, bc they genuinely keep me sane most days (and then every now and then i have a weird off day, but i can't expect the meds to be perfect, i should still feel off every now and then, plus with all the stressors i have?? LMAO i'm not surprised; i'm sure once i move out then the meds will feel more effective day to day).

i'm getting an apartment again! shared room, three 3rd years, who seem pretty nice so far. i think i'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but in the meantime, it's nice to waste time shopping on ikea. i should go after my test and just go walk at ikea and get a better idea of what i'll be buying. i don't think i've been more excited to move out than i am now, but i'm so tired of moving. i'm living out of my suitcase and boxes again because it makes me slightly less stressed about dealing with packing later. (and stress packing is super fun too).

i've started strengthening relationships with my ship people, but sometimes i feel like i should make friends with people outside of ship (and i've been meaning to reach out to kira, but i wanted to wait til after my mcat so i can actually give her decent response times). plus i think she's moving back to irvine soon? hopefully we can make plans for sometime before school starts again. i'm also super excited to get back into some normalcy with moving out and mcat being almost over, so i can put more energy into ship and help carry my own weight (not that i'm not, i could just be doing better). i also haven't talked to jon in months now, and i'm honestly more disappointed than surprised. i could tell she wasn't a long term friend because of how different we are, and how different our life paths are. plus with everything going on, we've have very different schedules and treatment of the whole covid situ, evident with which of us actually got covid and took things more seriously when things were going downhill (they still are going downhill but we're vaccinated now!). i don't have any desire to reach out to her- her philosophy was always that she never owed anyone a response (and as such she's left me on read for who knows how long now). i don't feel like i was ever really prioritized as a friend by her (i'm not saying she had to spend all her time with me, but maybe reaching out or opening up every now and then would've been nice) plus the whole birthday situ but i'm not gonna go into that anymore rn

i feel like i'm finally starting to learn more about myself and what i want from my friends, and i definitely feel like i still have room to grow. granted i've grown a lot from the past few years, and since high school, but you can really only keep going up.

i'm supposed to be studying or something, but i'm tired. everything takes so much energy lately, and i think it's good that at least i'm trying. it's exhausting to avoid being at home and to pack lunches all the time, and to just stay in my room as much as possible once i get back home. eventually i'll have to do a deep dive into everything that happened with ceci, but that takes a lot of energy, and i think i would rather wait until this whole episode has concluded. i know i don't want to see them for a long time afterwards, and by long time, i genuinely don't know if they'll even be invited to my grad celebration. i only feel bad about bella, because she's not part of the problem or the reason why i'm moving out, and i know she's going through it quietly. i mean, yeah, it does drive me nuts that she's nicknamed be annette, but like that's the extent of how much she will bug me (there's the whole cleanliness and discipline thing too, but that's not her fault). i actually don't even know if she knows what ceci did. if she doesn't, i wouldn't be surprised if they aren't as close after that. i haven't seen a full blown fight between them, but can't help but wonder what'll happen. i hope she'll be okay. i think i'd be okay taking her out every now and then, but literally only her.

i should go eat and get back to studying. this was productive though.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 119

wow i got blindsided today

i didn't really think about how much andre doesn't like asma and isaac and their work ethics from the time he worked with them. they're fair points though, and i see why he says those things, but still. i feel like i've worked pretty well with isaac, our work styles didn't necessarily match, but i think we did a lot together this year, so it felt kinda unprecedented or out of nowhere for him to say he didn't want isaac volunteering as fm anymore. which is stupid, and i communicated that to cat, and she went to bat for me, which i appreciate. but i still feel bad. i worked a lot with isaac, and to a certain extent, asma too, so it feels weird having to treat them as less than the standard. especially since i've trusted isaac with so much, so it feels odd not to be able to talk tea with him about what's really going on.

i can't help but wonder if we'll actually be friends much longer after he graduates? like everyone thinks we're closer friends but i don't feel like we are. (even though i've told him some pretty deep shit). funny how my brain is working to prevent more trauma that way.

i'm worried that andre might think i'm less than as president because of who my mentors are and who i "grew up" working with. it looks like i'm gonna spend the next few weeks proving myself. it sucks that i won't have someone with the same brain cell to work with, but hey. cat and cathy are so good to me and so good to work with.

i can't complain, but i can be a bit upset or hurt about things.

i really want to just hang out in person with some of them. go to the beach or walk at uci at night or anything, really. something to socialize and get out of the house. i think that'd be fun. i'll probably drive to uci after the social tomorrow and go for a late walk. share my location to be smart, but i just wanna be around people in person who actually are fun to be around. it kinda sucks that tim asked so late, but idk what i expected. i'm not super close with them anyways.

i really want to get drunk with someone. and then facetime people. that sounds fun.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 118

some days are better, but they're also worse. i've wanted to cry for a while, of course my dreams gave me something about him. i don't know why it does this to me, but it doesn't help with my overthinking. i'm not ready to move on without him to work with, which is weird bc we didn't do a whole ton of constant working together. i'm super grateful for my new co's, i guess i'm just not good with leaving things behind. of course i want to be around him. he radiates stability and that's one of the things i'm lacking. but hey. whatdya do.

i won't have the crazy party with all my ship people for who knows how long, but hey, maybe one day right?

i need to go to sleep. i should do these early in the day so i actually get something out of it.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 117

i've discovered- or rather finally identified - a trigger. i'm surprised it took me so long to identify it, but then again, these situations are few and far between. i talked with isaac about it, and he agreed that i should tell a handful of people in the case that i'm in the situation again. (which is likely. healthcare) so far, i'm planning on telling andre, and maybe my cc's? and prezzies? i don't want to go around telling people, especially since i'm not close with everyone. but i have to tell andre this weekend. at the very least. i'll get around to telling other people eventually.

i'm more than grateful that he was understanding about things and has been. i know everyone will be but i also hate be vulnerable. the perks of my anxiety or somethin. i think i'm getting a better handle on things, i mean i guess it only took me about 5-10 minutes to get myself to really calm down and get back to mostly functional. shit's hard. but i'm trying harder to get a bit better. it doesn't feel like much sometimes, but hey. whatdya do.

i should sleep.

i shouldn't read too much into our conversation, much more than i appreciate it and him, and that's as far as i'm going to try and let my brain go. it's racing in the background, but i am going to do my best to stop. things will go too far in my head if i don't try to get a handle on it.

i really want to dig into the conversation.

i'm going to sleep.

i've already dreamt them proposing to them. and i can be okay with that.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 116

there's really only so much i can do. like i can't cure my mum and make it so there's no risk. i can't protect my siblings because they've already been exposed. i can't just up and go, because i still have to think about my finals and clinic. i can't make everyone ready to be on my level. i can't just make myself learn this stuff overnight (but i'll try). i can't fix my brain to make it work nicely. i can't convince others to be close friends with me. i can't show my weaknesses to too many people. i can't trust jon as much anymore. there's so much i can't do right now or ever, really. i can't force him to give me the job. i can't make money. i can't fix my anxiety without help.

obviously, right now, there's one pressin situ and i am 7 hours away and can't go running into fire. it's best to wait some time for my vaccine effectiveness to grow, and for her symptoms to go away. that makes it safe and keeps it from spreading. i'll call and text to keep up with everything. but still also have to keep myself sane. i'm probably gonna get really drunk on saturday. just not think about anything for a bit. go on tinder and get validation from strangers or something. and then again wednesday night.

i just need some time off. to sleep, to draw, to drink, to watch grey's, to not think about physics and clinic and my future.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 115

Stress

What causes you to feel stress?

school, finals, presentation on wednesday, clinic- making sure dental's okay, keeping up with protocols, making sure i'm carrying my weight

When you are stressed, what are some of the thoughts you have?

i have very avoidant strategies, in that i just avoid thinking about it if i can until it's too hard not to.

When you are stressed, how do you feel in your body? How does your head, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest and/or stomach feel?

everything feels tense and stiff, my brain feels stretched thin

Sadness

What causes you to feel sad?

When you are sad, what are some of the thoughts you have?

When you are sad, how do you feel in your body? How does your head, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest and/or stomach feel?

Happiness

What causes you to feel happy?

ship, doing well with clinic, hanging out with the people i like

When you are happy, what are some of the thoughts you have?

my happy thoughts are all about what's going on at the moment, rather than what's supposed to happen in an hour, or a day, or a week. i actually get to live in the moment when i'm truly happy.

When you are happy, how do you feel in your body? How does your head, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest and/or stomach feel?

Excited

What causes you to feel excited?

When you are excited, what are some of the thoughts you have?

When you are excited, how do you feel in your body? How does your head, jaw, neck, shoulders, chest and/or stomach feel?

Similarities and Differences

Are there any similarities or differences you notice between these emotional states?

between stress and happiness, there's a huge difference, they're complete opposites. stress is long-term and looking forward and anxiously anticipating, while happy is appreciating the moment and being really present in what's going on (granted i still look forward but not in the same extent)

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 114

i can’t recognize my own face. like it’s me but something’s off. i’m not wearing eyeshadow and my hair’s a mess so that’s part of it. i feel very much me, i just haven’t had proper socialization and i think it’s throwing me off a bit. i’m also having to force myself to do my physics homework which is taking me more than i would like, especially since all i really want to do right now is draw something, but i forgot what i wanted to draw? something disney, oh i think something tangled, but with the series animation. i think i should watch an episode of new girl, then go back to the homework, then draw while i watch tangled again. i also am finally making moves towards getting my tattoo, and i’m really excited about it. i know what i want, and i know i prob won’t tell my parents til after bc they’ll make a fuss about it, but they can’t really do anything about it bc i can make my own decisions as an adult. i’m concerned to see what my uncle might say bc he’s a bit uppity (no alcohol, obv no drugs, likely no tattoos). not like it’ll be visible to him til summer anyways. 

also i’m a bit on the fence about everything with jon, because i feel like i’m doing what i always do, when i push people away when i get hurt, because i don’t want to forgive and forget bc then i get more hurt. it’s a defense mechanism and i’m aware, i just don’t know how to stop it, bc my mind is so frustrated with her. there was the covid incident and the fact that she’s still hanging out with way too many people for a pandemic. then there’s the birthday incident. where she forgot my birthday completely, never called or texted, and only texted the day after, because she said she wanted to take me to downtown and get me something (and don’t get me wrong that’d be nice! i’d enjoy that), but then she never brought it up again and has since never said anything. (and i can’t help but be mad about this because she knows i really prioritize my birthday because it’s my day, and #2 of holidays - a close second to christmas. and i spent so much time trying to plan it, and it was my 21st! i was supposed to be getting fucked up with her). and then i don’t feel great about being unmasked around people unless i’m eating rn, just bc i really don’t want to risk things right now, and it’s hard bc she’s asked for me to come over and drink a couple times, or to come over and do whatever, but i 1- am super busy with homework, classes, school, and ship, and am barely having things calm down a bit though midterms start next week for me and 2- don’t want to be unmasked bc i don’t trust her since she’s seeing too many people. and it’s weird because her circle is essentially the same as before quarantine? like minus some people who she’s not as close with? plus i genuinely hate being around her when clara’s there because i feel like i’m third wheeling, but on steroids. and i would love to be able to hang out with her normally, but these aren’t normal times, and i just don’t feel like i’m going to be ready to treat things like normal with her for a while. though i know the less we talk, the more likely things are never going back to normal because she’ll get anxiety about me, and i already have anxiety about her not really liking me (again). and i feel bad because i continued watching new girl without her because i know we won’t watch it for forever. and she’s not a big sitcom person. (lowkey surprised she ended up liking the show bc she pays way less attention to it than me, and i know when she likes a show she will be able to give full attention like with hannibal). idk, i just have had a feeling that we would be college friends and once every now and then as adults, but i didn’t think it would come sooner than later. granted pandemics do tend to throw things off track. i also think that the older i’m getting, the more i’m seeing our age difference. like she’s barely 18. barely. and i used to think she acted my age but lately i haven’t been seeing that much. i can see the immaturity (i feel like that’s too strong of a word bc i’m pretty immature myself but i can’t find the appropriate word) a bit more. this has turned into a rant of all the things i’ve thought about her, and honestly, i wonder if the only reason we became close friends was because she was the closest person when all the **** stuff happened, and i’m now getting over that mostly and maybe i just relied on her too much to get through that. because the longer i’m friends with her, the more i realize just how little i know her. 

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 113

how do you start wanting to live? i feel like

my head’s loud today. i talked with my doctor. she said it’s likely stress and being overwhelmed, but how do i control that? i’m gonna have an in person appointment, possibly to rule out a neural problem, but likely, it’s just an anxiety stress thing.

i feel out of it today, i didn’t do that much better on the final so i’m keeping a b+ in the class instead of being bumped to an a-. i “failed” two of the assignments required to pass my lab because i was one point short. and they have yet to release “safety nets” or whatever that means. i fucked up. i can’t fail another class again. i’m at an okay point for bio and just have to review some practice problems for physics before friday, but i just don’t know what to do with myself now.  

i want to want to do something. i had to force myself to send an email and form for clinic. i want to reach out to jon, but idk. i saw this tiktok that was talking about being needy and not getting what you needed reciprocated, and i think, to some extent it applies to her and me. she is much more detached from me, and i share more than she does and i’m typically the one to reach out about random shit more often than she does. and then there was the birthday thing and the covid thing, and i think i’m pulling away a bit to protect myself. i think in this case, i have to put myself first, i have to think of what’s good for me. 

i need my head to come together. so the girls and i are gonna walk at target 

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 112

idk why i thought i already journaled about this, i guess i just thought about it in a journalling capacity? anyways

so my 21st. i was anxious the night before and slept around 1, then got called around 5, and had trouble falling back asleep after the call with my brother before having to be up for clinic. i wasn’t anxious for too long while getting ready, and felt great by the time i got to clinic, plus i got there almost exactly after isaac, who walked in with me, and everyone was sweet because it was my birthday (*rapunzel’s voice “it’s my birthday” pops in my head*). things were going fine, i was just helping out where they needed at really random spots and mostly just chilling. i was supposed to scribe for what we thought was a spanish speaking patient (thankfully she spoke english) and for whatever reason, i got anxious about it. i went and sat down in the front while i waited (the pt before was taking their time). i’m checking my phone, bc reception is handled, and talking with the guys, and next thing i know i’m frozen. they’re asking if i’m okay, and i’m feeling super dizzy, which in a split second i recognize what kind of dizzy this is and start freaking out a bit. i -in pieces- let them know that i am ~dissociating~ in front of their eyes and feel really bad and weird. i’m unable to see anything really or process much so i just slowly bring myself into a more comfortable position to sit, and ride it out. after a few minutes -at this point the guys have offered water, asked if there’s anything they can do, no i just need a sec- i start coming back to reality in some capacity, enough to hear wesley try and joke around with me, and to drink some water and try and regulate my breathing a bit. ( i think i even told them that i had had a fear of this happening for a while now i think ). things are coming - slowly- back, when isaac comes in to ask if i can scribe, i ask almost beg, not to, the guys back me up, and i think he picks up on it so he works around me, thankfully. i stay in reception, trying to bring myself back more, interacting a bit more - even if it’s quieter than normal, it helps- drinking water, and after a bit, i’m able to get up and sit in a quiet room for a bit, play my anxiety playlist and fully come back. by this point, i joke with the guys about making an appt for myself, and am able to get back to work. i’m still listening to music, but the important part is that i’m able to get back to normal, and functional, and help out. nobody notices or nobody comments on it besides wesley, who only comments to check in and make sure i’m doing okay, which i appreciate immensely. 

the day otherwise went great- andre brought me a cake which made me emotional, we all went to get boba, then isaac “i don’t have time to sit down and eat but i do have time to get take out, so we can still get mexican” andre and i grab food, before i head home. i change, we take our time getting into downtown disney. i get my ears (!!) and my first shot glass. we head home, and i legally buy alcohol for the first time (!!) and my first wine glass. we do cake, and i go drink quietly, drunk call/text people, and overall, end the day v grateful. things coulda gone so much worse, but thankfully not. 

on another note, i had a dream with him again. we were very couple-y, which pisses me off during the day because he likes someone else, and i don’t think we would work together anyways. like we’re great work partners, but that’s about it i think. we’re on a very basic level of friendship too, but comfortable enough that i’m okay drunk calling him. idk, and some part of me thinks, while yes, i do like him in a very valid way and have for such a long time now, that maybe one reason i let myself like him was because nothing would ever come out of it. and i’m scared for whenever i would like someone who liked me back in the same capacity. am i emotionally capable of being in a healthy relationship with my trust issues? am i ready to put in the kind of work that’s required to overcome that? do i really want to let another person into my life, who may be able to easily drop me?

i think the thing that’s been frustrating and on the back of my mind is the whole ordeal with jon. i know i’m pissed about what happened with the whole exposure thing, and don’t have it in me to really talk with her about that because i would require a face-to-face for that to happen well. and then she forgot my birthday. and i think that just showed me that i really don’t mean the same to her that she does to me, which is frustrating. i’ve already been in a toxic one-sided relationship, and really don’t want this to turn into a one-sided relationship, which might be just why i’m pulling back now. things feel different for me, and i can’t help but wonder if i’m just putting up walls to avoid being hurt, or if i’m taking things too seriously, and i’m overreacting. i’m not sure, maybe more of a mix of the two. 

so, i’m seeing my doc on monday, gonna ask her about the whole dissociation event, and what i can do about it. i’m gonna continue focusing on my breathing throughout the day and i’m gonna start running again next week. progress is slow and hard, but i have to start putting in more work to keep myself safe. here’s to the hope that things get better, that i can grow more. 

~also~ i have been listening to hadestown again because that damn musical breaks my heart constantly and i love it. the music is so beautiful and oddly enough, i can understand the pain the eurydice feels. 

time to go back to homework and studying. we’re close to the end.

[tellmesomethinggg]

journal 111

i am angry at me, i am angry at her, i am angry at my parents. i’m angry at me bc i couldn’t listen to my gut telling me not to go hang out with her. i’m angry at my parents, to a lesser extent (bc part of me feels guilty for being mad at them bc their impact on this whole thing isn’t a lot), bc my breakdown was worse bc i didn’t have the financial support to plan for an apt if that’s what it turned out would be best (bc it would, but hey, i’m “spoiled” so i can handle commuting to a minimum wage job for 3 months). i’m especially angry at her. she is the only person i have seen since the 7th, when i saw her and ate with isaac post clinic. she had minor symptoms literally the morning after i stayed the night but didn’t think it was anything and then didn’t tell me shit til her mom told me what was going on and i reached out. she insisted it wasn’t covid, and so i went around to work on black fucking friday! i had to call out of two shifts and i lost at least a hundred dollars in wages bc i had to cut my shifts. i had to go get a fucking test. and she’s been around so many more people than i realized and i can’t have that happening anymore. it’s not safe and i just didn’t realize the extent of how dangerous that is. i have to put my health before our friendship, bc honestly, sometimes i wonder how much she actually values our friendship. like of course i’m getting more messages from her rn bc she’s bored and can’t go out with other people. of course she’d try calling me at weird times bc now she actually has to fucking quarantine. i’m pissed. and don’t even get me started on the work get together she had, which, if the math works out right, she definitely could’ve gotten it from there, from someone who was asymptomatic, and she just happened to be the one who developed symptoms. and then there’s my birthday, which isn’t even gonna be much of a celebration. can’t really get drunk alone (i mean i can and probably will later at night- wine drunk?) or with my cousins. so much for a great 21st. i want to scream i’m so upset. i don’t even know what to do, or who to talk to. i can feel myself pulling away from my clinic peeps bc i don’t see them anymore and things are slowing down for us because finals are coming. i can’t really explain things to my parents either bc they’ll just say it’s all my fault for hanging out with her, but i didn’t realize she was seeing clara and lindsey too. something about her story just isn’t lining up right because she keeps telling me different things. god i wish i listened to my instinct. i’m so mad. i know i can’t go back in time but i really wish i could. ugh.

i can’t believe i got myself exposed to covid what a fucking idiot i am.