the-komoreji

[the-komoreji]

I'm the one who fall in love, you who never have the courage to take the chance. Then, what kind of movie scenario can make me have you?

I have never reach your back how hard I tried to catch you, to ask for a thing, for a thing that could never happen; because for you love is just overrated, even we always have a time to watch or read some romance thingy. You said you would never could do that, without you realize how much I carved my name into your ribcage. How deep I fall for you, for you laugh, for everything that you ever did to me; stupidly I aware you did that with platonically feeling.

Ironically, is this the end for us?

[the-komoreji]

“Achilles weeps. He cradles me, and will not eat, nor speak a word other than my name. I see his face as if through water, as a fish sees the sun. His tears fall, but I cannot wipe them away. This is my element now, the half-life of the unburied spirit.”

[the-komoreji]

how do you cope from a heartbreak you didn’t get the chance to recover? it was, leaving the wounds opened and pretend like nothing ever happened for her. yet it was never been forgotten, it stayed inside her soul making it covered by rust and not less of a rotten heavy heart. she never once asked if her wounds ever sorted out by someone, not in the intention of making it healed, but to make her live again and taking half of what her shoulder has been busy carrying throughout the year.

she crumpled, in the long run, she discovered that she is not capable of receiving love she thought she deserved. “so, how do you live?”

by accepting the fact that she will live, with or without someone’s apology for ruining her life. she will learn after not being able to apologize for ruining someone’s life. they will live, with or without her forgiveness. they will learn, that hurting someone was like stabbing someone’s beating heart to death.

but the world promised her more than that. she was told that none of her sufferings will most likely lead her near to the end of the world. and she will find her way to take what has been promised to her: to live well, and to love louder, in many times possible.

[the-komoreji]

My dearest, Adek Mlenuk.

It never come to my mind that I would meet new people before 2023 ends. To meet and to fall in love. We talk like two ordinary people who meet and greet each other. I never imagined that your presence would make me feel something in a good way. We both know that 2023 it's just not so-good-year for us, we struggled, to the moment we have some wound that need to be heal.

I'm glad that I meet you.

I'm glad that you chose to take the chance with me

I'm glad that I'm entering this 2024 filled up by your presence and by your love. There is nothing more that I wanted but for your happiness and we could spend 2024 well, and together. Me, wrapping your arms and be by your side. To be someone that you need.

Happy new year's eve, sayang. Adek. Mlenuk. Cantik. Cinta. I love you, wholeheartedly.

[the-komoreji]

to people who are trying to heal heart they didn’t break

my heart, had once, shredded like a crumpled paper, had also once crushed into pieces, and it destroyed me in the way i no longer have the reason to be moving nor have the time to search for a state where i can be healed. the truth of my torture won’t silently stopped even when i’m dead shattered half of my life, will i ever recover? should i keep breathing without a will to live?

a friend once said, “we don’t hold grudge too long, someday, they will slowly tear you that you are not going to recover”, and a piece of my broken heart suddenly being taped again, trying to fix the damage that has been causing me a lot of pain. but nobody told me that letting go of grudges towards your forgotten love is like using bandaids for a bullet hole, pointless, not fixing anything, but making it worse.

thus, i say to myself, to move forward into the next chapter of your life is to let go of your damaged heart and let it be dead despite the fact that it won't grow again.

if i ever happen to think about letting a living soul to patch my broken heart, i’d be eaten alive and it turns into a crime. yet if i leave my wounds open and covered by rust, i’d be consumed by time. so, what are the odds of that?

[the-komoreji]

In the starless night, I'll find you even if I'm blind

If my life was a seasons, before I met you — midnight rain was my middle name. Midnight rain, in the middle of the year is the time when I will let myself buried in loneliness in the darkness night, getting blindness with the thoughts that made everything seems blurry, I couldn't see anything in this room. Getting lost, day by day.

Autumn is the season that the first time I saw you. The first time I saw a speck of light that greeted me, and I swear to god at that time I really carved my name into your ribcage.

Summer is the season where sunny days will appear beautifully. Our bodies getting warm and sometimes quite burn, but it is exciting the way that's giving us a sparks of feeling to tell about our feelings to each other, to take the chance till the first snow is fall.

The prettiest seasons that I spent with you was great to the moment I will find you in the starless night, even when I'm blind. Even I should repeat anything about our dumb conversations. Even I should watch you moved attractively. I will find you in every seasons and every starless night.

[the-komoreji]

On The Drive Home

On the drive home, I still have this anxious with me. Stare the road more than interesting instead of yourself beside me that drive to Anaheim. The silent has bitten us. But I feels okay as long as I could still have you, or perhaps, I have your body.

You didn't eat your pancakes this morning, and chose to skip your breakfast. The ironically of love people call it as a beautiful page it's nothing for me because I'm looking in the mirror and told myself, “You're not the home. Because the hostel just a temporary place 'til this person could find the house that they like. What a disposal.”

You're lost. I knew. But, you're not lost in me. To drive me home, to Anaheim, for the last time.

[the-komoreji]

Haunted

“I won't even come into your life again.”

Come on.. don't leave me like this?

That words— lingering myself on these roads; the words that I couldn't say it directly to you. Because I was knew it too well, we just walk in fragile line, I couldn't denied if I have known it all this time with the hopes that I hold tight; I had you figured out.

I was wrong.

Come on.. don't leave me like this?

That words— no, I hang my breath. To stood there, and watched you walk away. I know this is something gone terribly wrong, since you're all I wanted.

I hang my breath.

Come on..

Come on..

Don't leave me like this?

[the-komoreji]

The Apartment We Won't Share.

I do believe in another universe, and when pitch-darkness came I sat in the silence empty space, wondering how it would be the end of us in the another universe? Although I think is that woman would have a sad face while staring at the road through the window? The apartment that we won't share, is there someone who's have beautiful relationship with their partner?

Are we happy in the another universe?

The apartment we won't share, the dog we won't have, I wonder.. everything.

Awakened by the naked truth that in this universe we are no longer lovers. I walk forward with a new name, and you go away in a different direction found the girl which the girl I won't be.

In the end, I just hope you find what you long for.

[the-komoreji]

Have you ever feel like, love someone to the moment you adore this person and in your mind they're something fragile you need to keep protected, even from the cruel version of yourself. You have stared them and murmuring, “What a precious kind person of you, I want to keep you close but I am such a coward that scared to hold you too tight.”

How I wish I can be your love, but I can't.

In my eyes you're such a bright moon, and I'm just the one of this million little stars that maybe people won't notice when I'm disappear. But I adore you so much like you're the bright moon that give me the light the moment I can't do it myself.

If I could be by your side,

I'll give you all my life, my seasons.

#Spotify

[the-komoreji]

How is it now that somehow you're a stranger? You were mine just yesterday.

“how do you feeling about me right now? Perhaps do you still love me?”

The question that I shouldn't asked to you, the question that lingering on my mind lately because I feel you're mine but your act like you're just a stranger. I can't feel that feeling anymore. I can't feel the warm feeling that you usually gave to me. The hugs, the words, you, you're so cold that I can't even touch you anymore.

“I feel empty. Lost sparks”

Something beautiful died.. too soon.

I thought we can figure it out, at the first time. I just was shocked, my mind just.. blank? I don't know. I feel disappointed, angry, but at the same point, I'm blaming myself because I guess.. I just never enough for you.

You're lost, so do I. We don't know what should we do about our relationship although deep in my heart I wish you can keep this relationship, I wish you can still keep me close, I wish.. I wish.. I wish.. we can still be together.

“Let's just break up.”

But heaven denied, destiny decried..

I can't even blinked my eyes because if I do that, I would crying in front of you. I can't said any words, it's empty. I feel like my world just falling apart. I lost you, I lost us, I lost our relationship. I can't save us. I can't keep our promises, I can't keep our little dreams.

“Let's stay alive and attend the concert of Keshi, Niki, and Treasure together. Please live for that, for me?”

But I'm letting go, I'm giving up the ghost.. it's come to a close, I marked the end with this last song..

I'm letting go.. this is the last falsetto, I'll ever sing to you..

My great, lost love.

#Spotify

[the-komoreji]

“Am I lonely because no one cares, or am I lonely because I’m not strong enough to let anyone get close enough to care?”

— Rob Hill Sr., I GOT YOU: Restoring Confidence in Love and Relationships