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Side Character In My Own Life
People always say that we think of ourselves as the main character of our lives' story. But I don't want to be the main character. All I want to do is be the side character in the back round that occasionally helps or gets a bit of screen time then I go back into the back round. For as long as I can remember I never really had dreams or ambitions. All I wanted was to work a normal decent paying job and get what normal people have with a wife and a family. If you want to call that a dream then go for it but to me it is the bare minimum. I know a lot of people don't have and maybe will never have that. However, I figured I would eventually find that āhappinessā I know it isn't normal to feel and think how I do. I absolutely love being alone and spending time by myself if it is watching videos or playing video games I know Iām depressed and oh boy it's not fun. But when I go out with people, Iām always trying to be the āclass clownā funny guy. I guess the thing people say about the most depressed people try to make others happy because they know what is like to truly be sad and depressed. Iām selfish, though, because I do some what enjoy the attention. Though when people then try to give it to me, I don't know, it just makes me feel wrong and I dislike it. Then Iāll go and distance myself, because I have abandonment issues, but we will get there. Many people have tried to be my friend and get me to go out with them, but I just refuse. when I was younger i just made excuses but now that Iām older i just tell them the truth, that I donāt want to go out, because I found that totally honesty is the best thing, at least to me. I know I take it to far though and just end up being an asshole. I donāt pretend to try and care about stuff and people when i really donāt, I just tell them that i donāt care and that Iām sorry but they should really talk to someone else. But when I see someone who is truly sad and struggling I cant help myself but try and cheer them up and help them. Usually, I end up pissing them off or scarring them with my brutal honesty and my solutions to their problems, mostly because they donāt like them. Anyways thatās just a little about my character. My actual story is kinda sad, but I donāt see it that way. My family always says I handle things well and make them laugh. I think thatās because all I know to do is joke around and try to make people smile. I have always had a pretty small tight circle. When I was little, I didnāt have a lot of friends but enough to be considered alright. I basically played any sport I was allowed to. So that made things easier to make friends. You know. Similar things to bond over and what not. But I lost many friends throughout life just like most people. Even some of my closest friends. Either from moving away or me messing things up. This is just one part of why I donāt get close, though. Another is because of my father. He passed away when I was eight on thanksgiving morning. I was staying at one of my friends houses that I would eventually loose. Due to me loosing a parent while i was at a friends house for almost a year i refused to spend the night not at home because i was scarred id loose my mother as well. Iām not gonna pretend to remember everything about that day because I donāt. But from what i do remember without peoples help hurt for awhile, hell maybe it still does but Iām just so numb i cant tell. Anyways, after loosing more friends and becoming more and more colder. Plus getting bullied, nothing to serious just normal kids stuff, added to that. Eventually, I made āthe friend groupā the one that you start spending everyday together along with causing trouble and of coarse getting into it. We were honestly so much alike it was basically like we were the same people. The 3 of us were together for a couple of years, and it was a swell time. I knew that some stuff we got into was just not right and we shouldnāt be doing it. I won't get to into it but fighting, drugs, and crime. I donāt know what else you expect from a teenager raised in the south suburbs of Chicago. But I expected better of myself. Even so, with being burned so many times it felt nice to have a new family that was consistent. Eventually, it expanded as most families do. As boys will, we had some fall outs over girls but in the end we got back together and fixed our issues. The core remained the same for quite awhile. But good things must come to an end. One of the main 3 of us started to break off and we just kind of let it happen. Not long after that I found a girlfriend who was my dream girl. Smart, funny, irresistibly adorable. She had dreams and ambitions. Everything I never had. Much to the dismay of my friends she started setting me straight. No more fighting was rule number one. To be honest I didnāt have that many issues with it because I never really liked it that much anyway. Plus Iām rather short so now that we have grown I know I wouldnāt be as good as I was when I was younger and more or less the same size. Next was crime, I stopped stealing and vandalizing stuff. Also didnāt have a problem with that because again I knew it was wrong but just kind of went along with it. Finally was drugs. I have basically tried everything from cigarettes to cocaine and heroin by the time I was 15. Which was when I met her. Usually, I just stayed to the calmer stuff, though, so I figured it wasnāt that big of deal but to her it was. So for the special someone I thought id never find I figure it was worth a shot to stop everything. To rewind a little bit, before her time, I started to connect really well with my grandpa on my dads side. When my dad was around, we were really close. A distanced between us grew a little after he passed. But because he and my grandmother were getting older and couldnāt do what they use to I was there to help and be there for them. We began to get really close. He had an accident one day and broke his hip, because my grandma was bed ridden and all other immediate family had moved away my mother the saint she is stepped up and offer to help them for awhile. During this time my sister and I which didnāt get along at all lived by ourselves for like 7 months. To her if I was alive and she had an idea of where I was things were ok so I basically lived in the ātrap houseā of my friend group. After I got my new girlfriend though I didnāt feel right being over there. Most because of the drugs and a girl that was there who was a real problem but thatās a story for another day. Now going back to the present. My girl and I were happy. I had gotten my act cleaned up, and she was the ray of hope and sunshine. After 6 months of being together, we were on the way to visit my grandparent with my mom. My girl had basically already become part of my family. I never have brought a girl around them till now and they all loved her. So we got there to visit and as I usually did I went running ahead to wake my grandpa up and make sure he was decent. When I got upstairs to his room, I found him laying on his bed dead and my grandma barely clinging to life. A week later my grandma passed away when we decided to take her off life support. In the coming weeks she was there for me the entire time even though her mother who absolutely hated me for my past refused to let her see me at times. I was a complete mess and didnāt want to step foot in my grandparents house again. So cleaning it out to be sold was real interesting. As time passed I just distanced myself from basically everyone except my girl. I donāt know, the fact that she was there when I found them and the fact that she could leave whenever she wanted but chose not to was something that stuck with me. For the first time when stuff got real hard and uncomfortable, she stayed so I formed a special bond to her. I started working a couple of months later and making decent money for a kid as a server. Saving for the future and everything. Cause to me I wasnāt just saving for me anymore I was saving for our future. Although I was still a kid and would spend a little to much once in awhile nothing to ridiculous just a big gift or dinner. I just wanted to make her happy, so she wouldnāt leave too. But because of everything that has happened in my life, including some stuff I left out of this, I become such a numb person that I never talked about my feelings or stuff that truly mattered to me, and she hated it. Its not like I was an open book before but I at least told her some stuff. Now I didnāt tell her anything. I tried to do everything normal couples would do of talking bout our days and so on but I never talked about me on the inside. The only time we would ever fight, and I mean ever, was when she would beg and plead with me to open up to her after all we had been together for 2 years. But I wouldnāt. I would give her the smallest thing just to get her off my back. I graduated and knew I had to find a job for the long term that paid really well, so I could work towards our future. Then I did, a great warehouse job moving heavy boxes all night long. I loved it, doing hard manually labor and not really having to deal with people and those I did deal with were quite pleasant. I found it, the job I wanted, being the background character and just working hard. I always knew I didnāt want to go to college. Id just find a good job and be fine for life. But for her that wasnāt good enough her dream of being a vet and going to college was what she wanted to do since she was little so of coarse I encouraged her to go somewhere nice and get a good education. Not because of me but with my support she went and got accepted to a nice vetting school. Of coarse I was proud of her but I couldnāt help but be worried about the future so I began to distance myself knowing thing may not work out and to avoid the heart ache of someone leaving again I wasnāt being the best I could be. While at work one night a very heavy box fell off the top of a semi and landed on my head. Now I played a lot of sports, including football like I said so I thought nothing of it and just went back to work even though others were completely terrified for me I thought I was fine and didnāt want to ruin our safety streak. A week later I started suffering from really bad headaches and began throwing up uncontrollably. Thinking about it I just figured I had the flu, but it wasnāt. After not being able to work without throwing up and wanting to die from my headaches we started going to doctor after doctor and getting a procedure or two done we still had no clue what was wrong with me. During this time I became the most I depressed I had ever been in life. I was bed ridden and could hardly if ever go outside without the fear of puking in public. So I isolated myself in my room. Because my mom the saint is a hoarder I never brought anyone to my house and I mean absolutely never, but being the kind girl she is my girlfriend began coming over and for the first time since before my dad died my family regularly had a guest. Of coarse it was kinda gross to her but she didnāt care she got to look after me and make me feel better. But then the time came for her to leave for college and for the first time since my grandpa passed I shed a couple tears. The things were doing alright for awhile but after finding out a couple of things about what was wrong with me things took a turn for the worse. I found out that Iām allergic to 29 out of 31 main environmentals not deathly allergic but bad enough to cause some of my problems. Which means going outside is actually bad for my health. So I stopped going outside almost all together. This took an even greater toll on my relationship even though she was 5 hours away. I became even more depressed because I could no longer go out and play basketball with an old friend of mine which was one of the things I got to do because I worked so much and could only see my girl on the weekends. I was completely alone the only person who my family accepted into our house had left and I couldnāt really go outside without becoming more sick so I was stuck in my room alone. So I spent my days playing Xbox with close friends I made thought the years. This was the only thing to make me happy and bring me up out of my down mood. Well, my girl didnāt like that I spent all my time out of bed playing video games cause she figured if I could do that then I should be able to do something more productive which she wasnāt entirely wrong but because I donāt open up I never really told her how bad my health actually was. When she was over, I always tried my best to keep in good spirits but I couldnāt hide everything. She caught me throwing up a lot it didnāt seem to bother her. So I can only assume she didnāt know how bad things really were. I was always tired and sad and throwing up. And we didnāt have all the answers yet. so as you probably guessed we ended up breaking up which destroyed me but we did have a couple talks in the psst about how i need to get my shit together but she had had enough and was ready to move on. I cant blame her it must have been really tough being with me. Hell I know it was. Her entire family hated me an wanted nothing to do with me no matter what I did. They were always on her back about me, and I donāt blame them either. I didnāt eat anything for 4 days, and I didnāt talk to anyone except the friend I played basketball with because he was the last true friend I had after cutting basically everyone out. Fast forwarding from that super depressing stuff. A coupe months later we found out what was actually wrong with me. On top of having real bad allergies, which I started getting treated for I also had brain damage from the box that fell on my head. The damage was on the frontal lobe where all of our emotions and responses are held. So they chalked how I was acting up to that. I also suffer from post concussive syndrome. Which Iām sure it didnāt help but it only made how I was already worse. Due to doctors recommendation I saw a therapist for a bit, but I know what is wrong with me and Iām extremely logical so she couldnāt help to much but she did help me get a little better physically. I know that may sound strange but she did. Because of her I moved out of my moms house even though Iām scarred that my sis and mom wouldnāt be able to take care of some stuff the mold and dust which Iām allergic to wasnāt good for my health. Thinking my ex might want to hear all the good news I decided to tell her but she couldnāt care less. The warm caring person who was there for me for so long was officially gone and never coming back. So using the inheritance, I got from my grandpa Iāve been living on my own for a year. Sometimes I still struggle with the fact that Iām entirely alone with having no one to talk to, but I still have my Xbox friends and I try going out once in awhile. Not trying to make new friends or anything but just getting out for my mental health. Now that my basketball friend has gone off to the military, Iām truly alone with no one to talk to. I know I could talk to my mother and family but like I said my sis earlier and i never got along, and for my mom. She may be a saint but this isnāt something for her to deal with. She has her own medical problems going on and for the past couple years Iāve been the rock of the family. The truthful one who would help if you asked but would hide his true thoughts about things. I donāt know why I decided to put my life story on here but if feels good to open up and let everything come pouring out. Hell I donāt know if anyone will even read this or how this site entirely works but it give me a place to put everything, and I kind of like it. Opening up and talking about myself. I donāt think I want to be the background character in my life anymore. Living for other people and not wanting to do anything with myself. I donāt know what I will do with my life or myself for that matter. Iām only 20 so I do have a ton of time ahead of me to decide. Thanks to my grandpa I learned what it was like to be a man and I also learned a lot about myself. If it wasnāt for him, I never would be able to move out and live on my own and start working on myself. I learn so much from the people in my life and tried to imitate them to be normal and live a decent life. But it if time for me to be myself, not forgetting the things I learned or picked up on from other people but building on them and adding my own on top of that. Cause no matter how hard I try I do not believe I could ever forget the people who made me who I am. All of the side character in my life helped shape me the main character.
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