thesmallcast

[thesmallcast]

The Knee Jerk

The answer came sooner and faster than expected with bar boy ( formally known as a head boy), my gut instinct had been right and maybe I should have listened to it earlier but that is a lesson learnt. After the invite to go to the concert on Monday, Friday night comes around with no mention of it again. I message on Friday at 11 pm - to ask what the plan is for Saturday. He replies, “Apparently my little brother gave the ticket to his bf”. Half an hour follows; with a so sorry and you probably hate me.

This is the moment where I should have slept on it and replied in the morning, but I replied… “ To be honest it was kind of expected. It’s just the principle that you keep suggesting things and flaking. What is it you want? If you wanted causal I was giving you that it didn’t need to be complicated. I can’t deal with you flip-flopping… don’t ask me to the movies if you can’t / don’t want to go. Don’t ask me to dinner if you can't/ don’t want to go. Don’t ask me to a concert and then only tell me when I ask you. I don’t hate you, though I'm not sure I want to keep seeing you. I have had this same conversation with you time again.. I just don’t really get it “ That was the thing It wasn’t even about the concert for me, if he messaged me in the week or even Thursday when we were talking, to tell me and be like “ fuck sorry”, he waits till the eleventh hour of the day before to tell me and only when I reach out to him! It's rude not to mention the continuous let down (which I still don’t understand). Why even invite me out? We had it casual and it was working. He kept asking me out to then not follow through - I could have also shut down these concepts but I was feeling confused. I had told him, that he didn’t need to invite me out. That triggered a lot for me, from being let down in the past and ‘empty promises’. I don’t regret my reply though of course, I was mulling it over. His response made it clear the type of person he was, immature and not even an ounce of understanding, just own your shit; “ Sorry I’m a piece of shit”, “ You can hate me I don’t mind”, “ My little bro who I love more than anyone wins every day of the week… surely you understand that he has been through hell”, “ See ya then I guess”. He was playing up the pity party but he had no attendees. The cheek of him trying to make me feel guilty! He was reacting. I said “ You don’t get where I’m coming from at all! It’s not about the concert, it's not about tomorrow. Stoked your brother gets to go. It's you are confusing the fuck out of me about what you want - you ask me out and then flake. I don’t get why? Cause you seem to want only casual too and I thought we had it good. And it took me to message you for you tell me… that is all the shit stuff that gets me. I don’t think you are sorry, you are just like 'see ya then’ without even trying to understand how it might feel”. Shots fired.

It made it easy to make a decision, well considering that he also states in the same sentence “ Well I don’t want to hurt you that’s all. I give up, thanks for the ride”. Followed by “ You deserve better”. I give up! I need to meet someone who has emotional maturity that’s going on the list. We were fuck buddies, maybe we just didn’t set clear expectations from the outset. I have an inkling that he will regret his “knee jerk” reaction, that he will realise when it is too late and message me. We were having fun and our hangouts were great, maybe I had read it wrong though time will tell. He said he was confused as well the last couple of weeks and we had never talked much emotions or interests with each other any further. I don’t hate him, I did have a soft spot for him. I am also very clear that he won’t be in my picture moving forward. I ended my final message on a positive light “ All the best, enjoy the concert”. I was talking about it with my friend, AR the next day, I was double guessing the messages I sent. She said that I handled it the way that makes me, ‘ME.’ I needed to get it off my chest and tell him how I felt otherwise I would have found a way to say it later - which is so completely true. I got the closure and everything off my chest up front rather than holding it on, it just was a little reactive and a lot of ‘you’.  My post about my confusion and what I wanted without more commitment should have been making those expectations clear with him and not waiting till he let me down ( which is what I was expecting to happen). I happily own how I handled this situation and took a lot of learnings away. It was natural for feelings to get in the way. We were seeing each other casually for 3 months! That's a long-ass time. He was right about one thing; I do deserve a shitload better.

This is now my time to focus on me. No more boys ( which I’m sure I have been annoying the fuck out of my friends the past year talking non stop about them).They bring me down. It’s time to plan my travel escape from Sydney, it's time to learn and adventure, it's time to get better sleep and focus on my training. I feel euphoric today, so happy I can’t stop smiling like a maniac. I've had such a great weekend; I went out on Friday with workmates, Saturday I got locked out the house, but it was a great excuse to be out, I had coffee, I sat in the sun for an hour, I face timed AR, I had burgers with my weightlifting squad, I chilled in the gym with my mate as he deadlifted, then I spent time with my flatmate we got snacks and watched a movie followed by a face time by SPK and FJ - which had me lit up like a Christmas tree I was grinning from ear to ear. I would have had that call with them over Fleetwood any day. Sunday is upon us - I have blogged, grocery shopped, had my nails done, spoke to my Dad and now ready to meal prep, go for a run before the sun goes down then continue some writing and reading before I head to bed. Now that’s what I call a weekend done right!

[thesmallcast]

Magic Healing

I went in this morning heavily bloated, I walked out feeling better though it takes an emotional toll on me every time the day just blends into one. I have been hard on myself on the weekend about friends, boys and work. Work, I know I’m good at what I do and I know that it's recognised by my peers around me. I’m just beating myself up at every turn for not having the answer to everything. I take it all so personally. I have had a past as had everyone, I have always held on to things more than most. I don’t blame my parents at all for anything that I hold onto today, they can’t control how I feel. Some things could have been handled better or communicated - though how do you know what you share and what you don’t with your kids. How do you know how they feel if they don’t share it. I have lots of feelings of vulnerability and not feeling good enough, taking things personally all driven by events when I was young and not understanding, the big unknown.

My mum hasn’t been particularly great at telling the full truth and leading with empty promises - she’s a deflector of her emotions. We weren’t very emotionally savvy in my household at all. No one talked about there feelings - we have gotten a lot better at this, at least my mum and my dad. I share my feelings with them and so do they. Mum and I are also very similar in personality which is why we clash at times. My dad keeps coming up when I was 6 and I have this big blank. What happened when I was 6. I never got closure from my parent's divorce and not knowing it or understanding and hearing two truths. I didn’t handle well when my little brother came on the scene and the attention shifted, I wasn’t able to get away with murder. I still struggle with the attention piece today, when I'm talking to my parents the conversations are generally revolved around them and what they have been doing, I just want to be selfish and have the first part of the conversation to be about me. I tried so hard to want to understand my parent's divorce but left it aside because it’s not my business but it did buildup. Intermediate was a struggle for me with friendship and understanding the world and who I was! I have pretty much just mentally blanked it out. The time when I was 18 came through which is when I moved out and also the year of my sexual assault which she reckons affected me - I mean it makes sense, I blamed myself for so long because I was so drunk at the time and ‘allowed’ it to happen. It’s just crazy how all this stuff comes through and is held onto. I caught up with my mum and Dad to understand what happened at the age of 6. I was bitten by a spider and was hospitalised over Christmas - it was on my knee but I gradually got worse over the day til my whole face swelled up and I was struggling to breathe.. My mum also reckons it was also the initial stages of my parent's separation ( though my dad thought it was later).

When I was 8, I left my family home and lived with my mum and stepdad, I didn’t get the choice of where I stayed. We all went with mum. I had resentment. My dad left for some time to Malaysia and left for months on end which is why I have a sense of abandonment, though my mum said even when I was 6, I was a sassy young lady telling asking him “ so when am I seeing you then”. Dad said I was “Cute as a button and quite opinionated” … nothings changed then. My Mum on the same lines “ you were gorgeous, and gave your brothers a right hard time”. I know that the dynamics changed when my little brother came in the picture, the attention wasn’t all on me, I didn’t get away with everything as I had before. It’s just crazy the impact separation has on the children. I think that’s one thing I will be mindful of one day. I think my parents did a great job with us and they weren’t to know there were these feelings of attachments. I held a lot in and tried to keep control and peace with everyone. I know I initially hated my stepdad and step mum. I came around eventually but I was always protective and I guess zealous. It’s also crazy to say but I remember my subconscious or my mind turning on and talking to me. I remember telling my parents and they just thought I was crazy.

I look at my past and acknowledge that it has shaped me into who I am today, although yes I hold certain ‘weak’ tendencies, I also have an unbelievable resistant and strength in other areas. I have sass and an opinion which is my own since I was 6. I struggled to open up but now I can I know I have come so far with myself and loving myself and being me has been the best self-journey. I have recognised these feelings and areas I want to work on and the part of my brain I don’t need to listen too - because I am enough, I'm bloody great!

After my kinesiologist,  today and unravelling all the emotional baggage tied on… Holy moly I felt so good by the afternoon, I had left my laptop at home and was working off my phone all day but I didn’t feel stressed, I felt light. I felt good about my work. I closed out a 3 million dollar negotiation, I was proud of it. I managed to get on top of a supply issue which niggled me as soon as the day started. Just feel super positive and full of this energy!

[thesmallcast]

The Causality

Casual relationships are a tricky one. My first interactions with Bar boy ( known as Head Boy), were so de attached and feelings were to one side. We met on tinder and I was dating multiple people at the same time and when I say dating I mean casual sexual ship. However, now I am having feelings, not necessarily feelings of love but more emotionally craving more. 

He made the effort at the start of it all but as I said it was different I was de attached and distracted by others to not give all my energy. Now that it’s been some time and we have seen each other casually for close to 3 months, my attention is just solely on him. I’m not quite ready to commit to anything more ( or would I want too?), is it because he has changed his communication. I don’t have any desire to message him during the week. I think it doesn’t help that I’ve been able to open up to him with my feelings. We also have had a chat about our sexual history I’ve been pretty open with who I have slept with this year and that I’m not currently sleeping with anyone else ( though we aren’t exclusive). We got caught up in the moment and had unprotected sex, I didn’t even think about my situation. I was more focused on what he might have. I told him face to face about my herpes in which he responded well and said I was brave. I don’t think brave just being able to communicate openly, I would expect him to have done the same if roles were reversed. I have since had a check-up and all clear. I requested one of him as well. He is still yet too, maybe that’s the ultimatum; have a check-up or be in an exclusive casual sex ship ( because is that what I want?) There’s a big piece of it which is me growing and understanding my interactions with men, which I know they shouldn’t be any more complex than anyone else, right ?. They are always a hot topic in this blog, I overthink and overanalyse, when things could be so simple but alas they are not. I am in general getting more confidence and taking ownership on understanding my values and treating it like a friendship they are in theory the same thing except one has sex involved. If I have an issue with a friend I would talk to them about it. I would communicate my feelings and be open - probably the harsh reality of criticism, judgement, acceptance. A friend already loves you for you. 

When we see each other it’s a casual fling from 10 pm till sunrise, there is no eating out or hanging in the public eye. That’s what we always were. We set the expectations clear from day 1. He gives 100 per cent within the moment and goes to 0 as soon as he leaves. I may not hear from him for days ( I try not to initiate communication though he responds if I do ). I can’t commit to anything long term because It wouldn’t be fair on him and it would make it so much harder when I left. I enjoy and have fun when I'm with him which is what I’m trying to hang on too though when he leaves it’s hard to stop my mind thinking; “who else is he sleeping with”,” why hasn’t he asked more about me”, “when will he message me”. I always end up as a causality of my mind when trying to go into a casual relationship. It also doesn’t help that we went from seeing each other once every two weeks to once or twice in one week.

I yearn for more which came out when I went to my kinesiologist - which I think has played on my mind since hearing it making it more real. I was suppressing my feelings and checking in with myself to go “ No these aren’t real feelings”. That this guy doesn’t meet my values pyramid or some of the things I set for myself. He is accepting, not judgemental but there’s no interest in knowing me or wanting to spend proper time. I want to be more than just a toy though that’s what I signed him up to be. Am I strong enough to continue it and put my emotions aside and take it for what it is or do I cut the whole thing to not bear the pain and suffering? I’ve been thinking of sharing the way I feel. I have been dropping small little cues in place, as an example: Sunday, he reaches out to ask how my weekend has been, he has been with his parents all weekend and I was doing my own thing so we hadn’t seen each other. I generally see him on a Friday or Sunday. He asked me if I missed him ( boy seeking validation), I said yeah! Then proceeded to tell him he would miss me in December when I’m in NZ for 5 weeks ( girl seeking validation). No response and no wonder. Here is me talking December with my casual shipper when it’s still August. I had to laugh! I asked him whether I freaked him out talking about December which is still 5 months away. He said, “ maybe a little bit “. I told him not to panic all is well! He proceeded to invite me to his house... we have only ever done it at mine! I was open to it, I went over to his house to spice it up and he was giving me the grand tour, telling me about how “Aunt Margy made this blanket for his little brother in rainbow colours because he had come out as gay”. ( He is super close with his family ). He invites me to go to Fleetwood Mac with his little brother this weekend! I was so up for it, free concert but be interesting to see how he is out and about. All these small cues, all good signs! I ask if he wants to see my weightlifting video ( I was a bit proud of my lifting at the gym that night) he says “not really”. Shots fired, five steps forward, three steps backwards! I'm just trying to get a sense of things but it’s incredibly different for our current dynamics to be going out especially to a concert and with his brother. Considering how flakey and unreliable he has been to go to dinner or movies when we tried to date, I’m not holding my breath. He puts it down to he doesn’t have the time, but If you truly wanted to you would make the time

I’m still confused. I have way more questions than answers but I'm just going to keep navigating my way through it all. I think I will see how Saturday plays out and then have another think and work out my next move. Can I ask for a casual ship with more to it without it being a relationship? I mean we have fun in the moment, can that not be enough for me? Why do I need the validation of more contact ( other than my past emotions creeping into the present) I am enough and get I’m limited edition, in fact, I’m more limited edition than ever ( he just won't realise till it’s too late). It’s harder to make a decision when I’m not clear on what I want that’s for sure. I hate that I get stuck in this loop but its all learning right. I won’t ever play into the hunt or the ‘game’ of playing hard to get etc. I will be me, open, honest and if you don’t like… then don’t let the door hit you on the way out.

[thesmallcast]

Catch and Ball

To play catch up since the unfolding of friend and boy drama. Work has been a lot. It’s been full-on with not being able to keep up with the workload, it’s different being in a commercial role because the responsibility sits with you and I have been taking things quite hard lately and upon myself. I’ve been trying to shift the mindset though I can easily get caught up in it; “ What could I have done better”

My schedule has been back on track with training which has been the highlight of the past couple of months. I feel my strength growing and I’m proud of where I’m at and how I’m getting there! The best investment was getting a trainer to help get me there.  

My health has been up and down; I lost my period, I started to become more in tune with my gut instinct when I previously didn’t think I had one at all (I had a gut instinct about gym girl and look how she turned out). I had a gut instinct something was up with my health and I was right. I'm so connected to my body and how I feel these days. I went to the doctors during what would have been my ovulation cycle, because I was spotting which is very unusual for me. Since I removed all contraception I have been super consistent. I get my period every month on time, there are two medium flow days and two light days and then over rover. When I went to the doctor, he suggested a Pelvic scan, I had already done a pregnancy test so we ruled that out pretty fast. I didn’t go immediately to get the scan but when my period was a week late, I got it done. I did another pregnancy test, also negative. I also had a blood test, to confirm I'm not pregnant. Just confirming all ways under the sun that I don’t have a baby. But they did find a 5mm cyst in my uterus wall…. The plot is thickening ( but the blood isn’t). I have had digestive issues, bad bloating and I fainted at work ( due to not eating enough based on the fact I’m full from bloating ) I have been feeling a bit down about this though there are worse things in the world. I lost my period for a couple of months, from June to August but I now have it back though with no real reason or cause to why it disappeared in the first place, everything in my tests came back normal. Doctors aren’t much help either there’s no remedy, solution, answer. Zilch!

I started seeing a kinesiologist ( after a recommendation from my friend), I was a bit of a sceptic but it’s been the most enlightening journey. She was able to pinpoint I have vitamin D deficiency ( which I already knew from my blood test), also low in B. For my gut sake, I need to reduce my dairy and fructose intake. This is all by holding vials to my chest and seeing which makes my arm weak to hold up ( Don’t knock it till you have tried it). She also works on the emotional side and releasing emotional stress and trauma that can stay in our bodies which at the moment has all been led back to family; my parent's divorce, anguish with my brothers, abandonment. The way she explained it is ‘Imagine the door flies open right now and 100 huge hairy spiders start crawling in”. Your body physically responds to that ( well mine especially being arachnophobic) and that’s what kinesiologist is about it’s finding those inner subconscious thoughts that are affecting you or bringing up emotional distress! One thing that came up for me, was the feeling of  'yearning' and it came up for 'bar boy'. I knew I had been suppressing feelings cause I was only wanting casual. She digs deeper to find whIm yearning. She can bring up the emotion from the past, to when I was 8 and my parents divorced and my dad had left, not so much physically abandoned me but its how I had felt at the time because I didn’t see him as much as I wanted. I know there is some deep-rooted family stuff I just didn’t realise I was holding onto it or even had thought about it. Most of my emotional distress is held in my large intestine which is why also experiencing bloating and irregular bowel movements. I'm back there tomorrow so going to try blog the session in more detail. 

I have been isolating myself a bit at home, having lots of Sam time which has been lonely and I have been pondering whether I’m spending my weekends the right way! I think I have avoided some social situations and it’s made me feel like a mixed bag of emotions. The weekends don’t have to be an expected way, they just need to be weekends if I choose to spend them in bed than that’s what I’ll do. I have to accept that. I’m not that bad I have one social day generally on a Saturday then have Sunday for me. My friend EM calls them sacred Sunday’s I would wholeheartedly agree! My only problem lately is I’ve been stuck in my thoughts too much. Its a work in progress. 

I made some pretty big decisions which I am stoked about; I finally am following my New Year goal of putting my plans in place of moving to Europe, huge step! I have applied for my British passport and am waiting for it to come back. I will leave in April/ May of 2020, I’m not stuck on any date but that will give me the chance to save as much as possible. I booked tickets to go home for Christmas for 5 weeks - it’s going to be my longest stint back home in a while and I’m so looking forward to it ( though worried about how I'll feel emotionally with family and time)! The lead up to these decisions was overwhelming that’s for sure, I was overthinking and drilling too much into what each aspect looked like: work, travel, money, training, settling, career, my family, my friends. It was my work Mum who said to me “Samantra, you have been thinking about travel for a long while and nothing has to all be planned, though you have an opportunity to go do it and you will regret it if you don’t”.She is spot on, and yes she calls me Samantra and I love it! I have worked for GF for 9 years, I’ve been in Sydney for 4 which has been such a monumental time in my life of personal growth. I know that moving to Europe is just going to broaden my perspective, the experience in itself will teach me so much. A new culture, a new way of life, new people, new opportunities. I’m scared, to leave the comfort and security of a company I’ve been with for so long but I also know it’s the right thing to do! I will leave behind some friendships in Sydney too which will be life long connections. My mum is here in October, with the new suitcase she bought me. So I can pack up as much as I can to take back to NZ. It’s not to say NZ will be my immediate home after Europe but that’s where my family is and that’s where my heart is and always will be. I haven’t shared my plans with work yet and I don’t plan too til I’ve locked flights and the new year rolls over, I think that’s when it will become real.

We are just past mid-year so have just reflected on the goals I set myself. I had two fitness goals. One was to do city to surf marathon- I didn’t do this but I did walk from city to surf with AJ who came and stayed for the weekend! It was so great having her company. The other was to squat my body weight which I’m close too - I can do 5 reps of 50kg. I weigh around 70kg. My savings goals have been up and down I haven’t been as careful during the year as I would have liked but being strict on my budget now I have a plan to go! My friend LH, who has always been a massive inspiration and our friendship goes back a decade and we are still close as ever. She has been living in Berlin doing a summer course and living the “hustle” life so I’ve been taking some notes and finding the way of living the Sydney “hustle” life. Her example was recycling plastic bottles for money at the supermarket. I sent her mine, which was keeping my receipt from 2018 to exchange my faulty headphones. The Europe moving goal is still on track but pushed out though I’m not sure if I will learn Dutch or try learning basics of Spanish. I want to learn more and educate myself - I have been looking at doing a supply chain course; a CPIM, a world accredited course. It’s $1800 which I see as an investment I’ve enjoyed my supply chain roles the most. I think my CV would look good to any recruiter but even better with more education up my sleeve. I will give another month to ponder and see if that’s where I want my path to go. 

I’m finally up to date on my blog! At one point I had 8 posts half-written in pieces to complete and upload - they weren’t all updates on current life but events and a few other topics of me which I'm excited about cause I had kept a goal to do more blog post this year and had brainstormed things I wanted to write about. I think as always its been a struggle but I feel I’m keeping up to date. I need to set aside the need for it to be perfect and continue writing as I feel! I truly feel lighter after writing everything out - it gives me a sense of satisfaction, but helps me to reflect on my thoughts with them on paper. Can you believe that with this post up I have written 14 posts this year?! With another post shortly to follow …. That is pretty cool! This is me playing catch up and chucking the ball to the next topic…

[thesmallcast]

Letter to a friend

A lot happened in a week, PBJ message of closure, the coffee boy closure, the gym girl showing her true colours and then I lost a friend, that caught me by surprise. one that I wanted a friendship with and have been giving my all too. She went away to Japan for three months and I kept in regular contact, I feel if she’s basing it all of one night where I wasn’t myself and where I was in my head and quiet. I took it very personally at first it makes me feel like I'm not good enough. Am I selfish?

I can’t remember the last time I was this upset. I cried probably a total of 5 times over the weekend, usually, I can get it all out in one go. I had just turned my Instagram to private and completely culled my list of people, I just removed people I don’t want in my life anymore. I have been so hard on myself all weekend, what have I done, racking my brain and going over it in circles. I have had so many friends and my mum support me by saying that I am generous, kind and caring. This took a real toll on me with my people-pleasing tendencies. I had to remind myself that; I can't always be liked by all and values in friendships change as well. It's understanding what's fair and reasonable.

I went to a pizza night where I last saw these girls, I was missing her birthday while I was going to be in Bali. I was not myself that night, I was emotionally gone, I needed a break so bad. I felt uncomfortable showing up in my town clothes and almost a funk. As soon as I got back from Bali, I gave it a week to settle in and reached out to the group to see if anyone wanted to catch up but everyone was busy. I tried effortlessly with JT until she dropped a bombshell that she hasn’t felt good and I haven’t shown up as a friend. I was devastated that she felt this way and hadn’t reached out to tell me this. I sent her two messages, one was a bit reactive and the second was checking if she was okay. There was no reply to either. It took me a while to realise that this isn’t how friends act. They don’t ignore your messages and play the busy card and then tell you that the friendship has deteriorated then leave you hanging.

I waited a couple of days before I reached out to my other friend EG, who dropped the same bombshell on me. With EG, I was a bit more accepting of responsibility I hadn’t messaged much and I also hadn’t checked in to see how she was much in messages. On the other hand, I felt that if she wanted to talk that she could have reached out to me. She said she had told me more than once she wasn’t okay, and I don’t recall this. I appreciated that EG did let me know how she was even though, that its not always about you Sam. It crushed my feelings, but the truth hurts and it's so important, to be honest, and communicate in a friendship. You don’t know what you don’t know - I was completely ignorant to it all. These are girls I had met whilst weightlifting at the gym and had a close connection with.

At the end of last year, everyone went their own way and was just a bit harder to see each other. We all socialised at the gym whilst training, then to find time in between training and schedules to catch up got harder. I never stopped caring. When JT finally responded to me; she said that I was just forcing myself to message her and it hasn’t been the same for ages, she hasn’t felt good and I haven’t given her what she needs in this friendship. That was a lot of assumptions of how she thought I was thinking or doing without asking. At the same time, I wasn’t giving her what she wanted as a friend?, without her letting me know to work on that or what I wasn’t providing?. I didn't want to grovel, I didn’t want to have to justify myself, I had written a pretty open message to her with such an aggressive message back - pretty much telling me that was it. I apologised that she felt that way and she doubted my intention. I can tell you she didn’t take that message well. She said I should feel bad for turning it all on her and making her feel bad. I think it was a bit self-centred that she didn’t think how I may feel or come to the table. It's not what I call friendship. I feel sorry for her that she’s stuck in that mindset, that is everything about her, that she can’t communicate her feelings or let me know she’s not okay, that she hangs on to resentment, that was me! I am incredibly lucky to have been working on myself to be able to reflect and be aware that it's not all about me. I am also incredibly grateful for the friendships I have back home, the close girlfriends I’ve met in Sydney, the weightlifting gang left.

I suspect JT and EG spent time going over this with each other, I was completely stunned by it and have had to think it over. I felt a bit ganged up on and no real communication or way to resolve it. I lost a connection, I lost friends. I cut JT, after her last message. I wasn't getting a second chance to mend it or move it forward. EG and I were going to catch up for a drink to chat, but that day I ended up fainting at work and didn't meet up before she went to Europe. I'm unsure what will happen when she’s back in Sydney.

Friendship for me is a friend able to listen and communicate their feelings especially. I think a friend should listen, be supportive and be there in times of needs. Friendship isn’t always going to be roses either, I know my close mate SPK had to have a raw honest chat with me once, though it was hard to hear it. Our friendship meant so much to me and she wasn’t closing the door but expressing her feelings for me to hear and see what I might not see and giving real-life examples. It honestly is a chat I reflect on a lot, because not only did it make our friendship stronger but I took a lot away from it. My girlfriend in Sydney, EM also has brave conversations and creates boundaries when she feels her friendships are changing or if she feels values are misaligned. I can reflect on conversations I’ve had with FJ, opening up and becoming vulnerable, being heard and having so much love and support. I love that I have friends all over the world that know they can call me and I will listen; break ups, heartache, homesick, challenges. I have a best friend back home that has become a mum, which means we don’t talk as much, it does not at all change my views or friendship with her.

Friendship is being open, talking, leaning on for support, saying it how it is, being able to be vulnerable, someone you know you can talk to about anything and everything listens, feels heard. I have lots of friendships - we may not talk for weeks, months but when we catch up it's like we just caught up yesterday.

[thesmallcast]

F*cking Caffeine

OMG, it has felt like such a mission to keep up with my blog because so much has been happening in all aspects of my life that I have let me blog escape me. I love writing and I love blogging but I don’t like spell checking, grammar and ensuring it makes sense. I like just writing straight from my head. At the same time, I want to make sure it makes sense. I have been sitting on this post for over a month it was mid-June that the events below took place and now we are in early August. I was telling my friend SPK who just started a travel blog, she was saying how hard it is to keep up with it. I hear you sister. I do want to try set myself a goal of just mind dumping in the evenings and not worrying about the editing to keep up to date.

We all remember our old and notorious friend coffee boy, well he has resurfaced from his rock in the pond to just segway his way back in. I’ve always had this weird pull towards him that I know was me being emotionally attached, but I never wanted more from him than a bit of play and banter. However, every time he messages me or I see him checking out my Instagram ( even though he doesn’t follow me!) I think about him. I had never got closure or worked out why I felt this way but he’s always been my kryptonite. He messaged me apologising for being rude when I came in for a coffee, I was like all good no harm was done, I am sweet and you are sweet all is good. But then the next day he reaches out again to ask how I am? How's life? Any man in your life? ( I have to correct him ‘men' cause I’m living my best life).

After this, he rung me on a Sunday and we spoke for an hour, about everything. Just how I was feeling and everything that I held on too. I told him that I got emotionally attached and although I didn’t ever want anything more from him in terms of being committed or in a relationship. I felt toyed along and then ghosted. I felt he played with my emotions. I know the way that I was feeling was due to not being with anyone since my sobriety and I let him in and we were talking for months and I also only spoke to him. I kept my eggs all in one basket so to speak. He didn’t realise I felt any of this and it was never his intention to hurt me, he had his shit he was going through which he had shared previously and the way that he displayed his emotions or the way he acted was due to this. I know at the end of the day he is a ‘fuck boy’, the reason I would never have wanted anything more with him especially knowing he can cheat ( emotionally) on his girlfriends. I guess I had expectations from him at the time to be decent, especially as I had been nothing but open with him. I even told him that I didn’t have sex for a long time because I wasn’t ready and I wasn’t ready with him.

What hurts the most was the actions of Gym girl, who I confided in and trusted and who went and slept with him continuously. She made me feel crazy, she got into my bubble, and when I knew he was calling her she denied it. I got hurt so badly by it just made me feel upset. I was speaking to my good friend SPK about it who reminded me of a high school betrayal which ultimately I lost a whole lot of friends for a while when I probably needed them the most. That is almost a blog post in itself for another day but it was a challenging time, though I also met new friends in the process.

I don’t regret completely opening up to Coffee boy as it wouldn’t be me not to offload it. It's just I didn’t feel immediately better and I don’t know why. I didn't know which aspect was still throwing me off-key. I thought once I shared it all I would feel lighter but it was lingering but I also don’t feel like there is anything left. When I had shared how I felt with PBJ I felt so good and so much clarity and closure that I thought I would feel the same. I am unsure whether it is thinking I had a friend when in fact I didn't. I'm not asking for sympathy, or pity as lots of people have had it worse but I have been through so much in my past that those emotions and thoughts linger or come back up.

It took a couple of days to sink in and now I feel I did the right thing and he’s no longer in my thoughts, I have changed my Instagram to private so he doesn’t have that access to me anymore and I'm not out to seek it. We are on talking basis now, just good terms it doesn’t mean anything other than just being mutual (In fact, I recently got a package redirected to his work because I wouldn’t be home to collect it ). I also removed the gym girl because I have no time for people that drain my high vibes and my good jujus. I am still connected to girls from high school which I absolutely treasure and so glad we are still close and talk. I'm just trying to set new standards for myself without flying my door open to just any old niggle. Let's just start with Instagram because I know with boys I’m easy to seek them out for the validation and attention. I'm always yearning for more and I use my body to get it rather than my mind and personality.

It was an extensively long week and I wasn’t sure it was my period or just a natural high but I felt so great on Friday. I am glad that I can communicate this way and I know in the long run its how I want to manage my relationships. I need to work hard on ensuring I keep checking in with myself, and not letting it drag on like I did with Coffee Boy. What was I in it for? , Was I getting that? Is he worthy of me?. I'm limited edition - can’t settle for less or what doesn’t fit with my values or what I want.

[thesmallcast]

Riding the Rollercoaster

The feelings for PBJ were a facade. Things ended over the ex being still clear in the picture and that was the reason the feelings weren’t connecting at the end. He was moving to fast without processing or healing through what he had been through. We gave each other a couple of months of little to no contact before we packed everything up and started chatting again. I  

I saw PBJ for the first time on Friday in what would have been 2 months, it was the first time I’ve seen him since leaving his house upset. I had been having lots of second thoughts about him and I truly didn’t know how I would feel when I saw him, if it would re-trigger feelings or whether it would provide closure. I guess in the end it was a mixture of both. The break-up rollercoaster I call it when you are truly moving on from someone you go through the ‘comfort factor’ phase, which is where you focus on all the positives, the good fluffies, the fun times, all the things that made it comfortable. Your vision is fogged and clouded by these because you are going up on the ride into the clouds. As you reach the top you come flying down, you remember things, you remember all the good, all the not so good and your vision returns clear, your values lined out in front of you. As you get to the bottom and straighten out; you have an answer and you get off the ride.

I was being conscious of what I was doing with other people to not feel guilty to him if we were to try to get together that I would have to tell him I was sleeping with other people. I ended up sleeping with Head boy the weekend before seeing PBJ. As you typically do when you break up, I was focusing a lot on all the good about us and I wasn’t re-checking in of the things I wanted and valued in a relationship. I wasn’t sure if I got there 100 per cent from a physical sense with PBJ, he was good looking with clothes on, but I wasn’t attracted to him when he was naked. I found he was quite dramatic and complained a lot about things, I am trying to have a more positive outlook on those things around me. He had started to get a cold an hour before we met up and he was going on about it and used up almost my entire tissue box it was very melodramatic

I ended up telling him about being a stage 5 , pretty standard ‘me’ move. I am such a hazard to myself. I think it's a big part of me to just be upfront, honest and own it. It's just who I am. He ended up telling me that he had been seeing his ex for the past 2 months - here is me thinking he took some time fo himself to heal and focus but he went straight back to her, they even tried to get back together for a day. The Friday I saw him they hadn’t spoken in a whole week, which was the longest they had been without communication ( so they were in touch regularly when we were seeing each other). He was very defensive about this, “I didn’t go straight back to her its not like that, she needed help looking after a cat, storing her stuff, she was sick”. I felt sorry for him that he couldn’t see it himself - was the veil that thick over his eyes. As soon as he starts moving on, she claws her way back and he allows it. I'm no saint with this either but I at least I can admit it. The moment he told me he had spent that past time with his ex it was super clear for me. He ended up messaging me the following Tuesday and advising that although all the bullshit with his ex he wasn’t over her… NO SHIT SHERLOCK.

The last couple of weeks I have been climbing high on that rollercoaster but Friday was great clarity for me to work it all out. I am lucky that I got the closure I needed We got along so well and had this emotional connection, but what I realise was that we were friends before we started dating, we already knew each other so it made it so easy. He was the type that would write long messages and work out what was happening as well. He reminded me of my friends who would write a novel update and be super interested. It was a familiar feeling.

For the first time, I didn’t just go along with it, I checked in with my value and I followed through with it. Proud sam moment to recognise and check-in. I think it made it easier because I wasn’t completely in it, I wasn’t head over heels which made it easier to check in with my emotions. The emotional connection came from getting to know each other more and him being interested in understanding me more. This is just setting me up to be stronger in the future.

[thesmallcast]

La La Land

The last couple of weeks I have been ‘living my best life’ as they call it. I have hooked up with head boy (bar boy) on a few occasions with it finally leading to sex. I also went back out with Ben #2, also followed by sex. All on the same weekend. I was starting to get yet another flare-up by the end of the weekend. I was feeling reckless. The coffee boy had reached out to me while I was away, then apologised for being rude to me when I come into the store. I realise now that was just a segway to start up a conversation to get back his winnings.

On Friday Head Boy came over and we had been fooling around but hadn’t reached the part of having sex, I mainly was putting it off as I wasn’t sure whether maybe PBJ and I would get back together and that was my focus point. If I slept with anyone I would have to tell him. Earlier in that week, I got the vibe that I wasn’t a priority to PBJ but he still wants to hang out at some stage. It all just made me realise that I am single and there are no attachments to PBJ nor should there be any reason I have to keep living life. He chose his path. Head Boy has been coming over, we had gone out for dinner once, every other time was mucking about. He was a very strange kisser, it’s hard to explain as he had these big lips but almost kept wrapping them entirely around mine. He went down on me a few times and it was intense, I was shaking. It was so pleasurable. That was how he got his nickname head boy, as he truly was great at the head and going down on me. He had a rather bent penis.  When it finally came to having sex, I rode him and ended up squirting on him. This was the first time and I was pretty ecstatic because I had always wanted too! I was relaxed and comfortable with him as we had got together a couple of times. He’s really down to earth and we did have a chat about what we were, and we both agreed it was just casual. He made excuses about his job and not having time for anyone, ugh you always have or make the time for someone you want. Just own the casual arrangement! We have got along super well and have a top-notch casual arrangement. We stayed up til 3 am, luckily it was Friday. He has insomnia and doesn’t sleep well, and 3 am I would never be up until that late even if I was out dancing. The next day I went to the gym and I felt so tired! Although fun,  the hours head boy works in hospitality make it hard for him to be an ongoing thing, but we shall see how I can schedule. He makes an effort to message me the days we don’t see each other which is a nice gesture.

The next night, I was going to take it easy and go to bed early cause I was shattered. However, when Ben #2 reached out for dinner, I thought I may as well. We went and had dinner locally, and got ice cream after. Ben #2 asked why we didn’t do this more often, I ended up telling him straight up that I never attempted to meet up again because of him watching TV during sex. He thought that have been what it was and apologised. The nice thing about the night was the conversation was easy and flowed, I think it was because we had seen each other a few times before that. I wouldn’t want anything more from Ben, he’s too much of a free agent and I don’t think we would be compatible. He did come to watch some TV, and we had sex. He stayed the night, next morning we went and got coffee. Again, the conversation was there but not much more than that.

Sunday, Coffee boy reached out as well, that is going to have its own whole post.

I realise now that although I’m having fun and doing what any single person would I still need to ensure that my priorities are getting enough sleep, work and training. I have been challenging myself that I'm doing this for the right reasons. Am I doing this for the validation that I seek? Is this what I truly want? I don’t feel any emotional connection to either Ben #2 or Head Boy, I don’t mind they don’t message back, but will I when I stop hearing from both of them completely?. Ben #2 hasn’t messaged me rarely since, and I don’t care. My therapist and I spoke about this in our session, about initially I was fully wanting to date and find someone who loved me for me. Yes, I still do and I still think of myself as limited edition but I am sick of the effort and all the hard work that goes into dating to be disappointed and for them to not meet my expectations or what I’m looking for. I've spent so much time making a list of the things that I want in a partner, based on the qualities I didn’t get from my ex; his interest in my job, not ever putting me before all his mates, always judging me.  I feel that I haven’t stopped to work out what it is I want, what I value… I think I’m slowly getting there. I feel I was so disappointed by the PBJ situation, especially realising that he was just a bit too dramatic and negative for me. I need a bloke, someone tough around the edges but has a bit of a soft gooey centre. I am having fun sleeping around because for the first time in my life I am embracing it and not holding shame over my head or being hard on myself. I'm just having fun. My therapist talked about me giving up my hand to soon, but when it comes to sex I have no connection to love or it being of something of  significance because of what it meant to me and when I lost my virginity it wasn’t special ( I have written about this before) but it doesn’t mean that one day I might be able to find someone whom I can connect on a physical and emotional level, that sex may be ‘love making’ rather than just getting myself off. I always find going to see my therapist truly valuable, I don’t go as much as I use too ( maybe once a month) but it's always so good for me to reflect and realise new things, also to look at things from a different perspective. Its been a good month of ‘living my best life’ so we will see how it goes

I got another flare up and I've never had them so frequently and again its that reminder to slow it down. I have been ensuring that I get straight onto my medication and stop having fun until I’m fully healed and recovered. I haven’t been open with these boys about my herpes. I have been having protected sex. I had spoken to my doctor re the oral and he said it's very uncommon for genital herpes to pass on someone from oral - though there is still a small risk. Usually, for one night stands, I don’t share it, but Head boy has a right to know.

I am going to continue to have fun and find a balance as well. Living my best life!

[thesmallcast]

5 to 0

PBJ and I were done and I wanted to get back out and experience the world of dating again. I wanted to be able to find that connection again. I had messaged PBJ when I got back from Bali wanting to work out what I wanted and I had guilt about PBJ when I started seeing different people. There was a part of me that was hopeful it might work out. I also had intentions of having sex so I didn’t want to have that conversation with PBJ which I would have too ( because its what I'm about).

I got back on the tinder bandwagon to try this dating scene.. again. I somehow lined up four dates in one weekend. They all have them each individual nicknames; No number, Irish guy, hottie boy, head boy ( also known as bar boy - unfortunately, he acquired a different nickname to different friends).

Date 1 (Saturday) - No number; I had met him at a flat warming #organic, he was English and we were just laughing the whole time. He let me know he was most likely moving back to England but the conversation was great and I thought about asking for his number. I didn’t stay very late that night as was getting a bit of the flu. The next morning I had a message from my friend who had reached out to me asking if I would mind I gave my number to him, “Of course not”. He had added me on facebook and I decided to plant the seed, “ Hey, wanted to ask for your number. Want to hang sometime?”. So we organised a dinner date for Saturday night, we spoke a little bit during the week. Anyway, he doesn’t deserve too much of a mention because he stood me up 20 minutes before I was to meet up. He said, “I just got out of a serious relationship and not sure I’m ready for anything”. I'm just thinking, "It's not like I’m asking to marry you, its just dinner but seriously you realise this a moment beforehand. Blah". I wasn’t that mad I was struggling to find the effort and I had the best night in, I ordered the most delicious Thai ( coconut rice, beef massaman, and oyster tofu and veggies) and watched a re-run of friends. I was so decisive that night it was perfection.

Date 2 (Sunday): Irish guy; was a redhead, which I noticed I was being more attracted to directly after dating redhead PBJ. Upon first chats with Irish guy, there were a few red flags that popped up. He was sexualising everything. My butt was a big topic of conversation. When I asked what he was looking for, it seemed he wanted to be dating and meeting people. We didn't spend much time getting to know more about each other before meeting up. The next morning, he messaged for a coffee meet up. I had just got out of bed. He was heading up to Redfern so I foolishly gave out my address. He met out front and we grabbed a coffee and for a walk. Again, it was a straight sexualised conversation and about my butt and the way I looked. I mentioned why he felt it was okay to talk so candidly about my body. He said that on tinder, photos are the only thing that paints a picture of a person (which is true to an extent). I hate that about tinder it's all swiping based on what you look like and not who you are. I have learnt that an emotional connection is way more powerful than a physical one. Yes, you want to be attracted to someone as well. Anyway, getting sidetracked by a subject that I'm clearly passionate about. So Irish guy tells me if I put a butt photo on Instagram I should expect it to be spoken about and (wait for it) “That I'm asking for it”. He asked if I was an exhibitionist, a nudist, he said I was clearly an adventurist.  He cracked on about this subject for a solid 40 minutes. That by posting these kinds of photos I’m wanting to be seen, saying that I load them intentionally for attention ( have since changed my profile to private). I told him that I'm proud of my body and what it represents to me. I post a photo cause I look good and I feel good about myself, it's not that I’m asking for it or wishing it to be the centre of conversation meeting someone for the first time.  Tinder is hard because yes you do have only images to try piece together a person but I was right in front of him; ask me about my job, my passions, my hobbies. Safe to say the connection wasn’t there for me, he thought it was strange I didn’t want a kiss on the first date.

Date 3 (Sunday): Hottie Boy; he was a hottie and also a redhead. On the conversation of tinder photos, he didn’t look like his photos at all but not in a bad way. He was a great looking chap. We went for a walk around the harbour. He was into the gym and the same height as me. There was no instant connection of things to talk about, in fact, there was a bit of awkward silence at times. I am quite loud and proud. He was quite shy and reserved. We weren’t compatible with one another but it was still nice to get out of the house and go for a walk.

Date 4 ( Sunday ): Irish guy; Well I don’t even know if it classes as a date 4 if you didn’t say yes?!. Irish guy thought that we really had a connection ( seriously?!) that he walked over to my house that afternoon, yes invited himself over to my house. This was a friendly reminder of why you do not give out your address to strangers. He was outside my house while I was meal prepping, now, as usual, I struggle to say “no” all the time. So I let him up, now although he did sexualise a lot of the conversation that morning, he did take interest (eventually) in the real ‘sam’. I think I gave him the benefit of the doubt, the accent also helped. As I was meal prepping, he kept asking questions wanting to take me out for dinner, that he really enjoyed our date. He was keeping chat light-hearted but I had already my reserves and we didn't hit it off. We didn’t go for dinner and he ended up leaving and cornered me and kissed me. I told him I wasn’t ready. How do you not read the signs? When does a guy know its the right moment? .It felt wrong and made me uncomfortable. I kissed PBJ on the first date and was a bit hesitant at first but was into it. I had to tell this guy to back off. I'm just glad I stood up for myself. He was messaging me consistently after and I had to tell him I wasn’t interested, I didn’t like how sexualised the chat was and it just wasn’t there for me.

Date 5 (Bar Boy/ Head Boy) - After Irish guy left, Bar Boy came around. Now his nickname is because he works at the bar and he gives mind blowing head. I really got along with bar-boy, when he came over it was the first time meeting him but we had been speaking before Bali. When he kissed me it was strange like he wrapped his lips around mine but when he offered to go down on me I knew he would be great and he definitely delivered. It was intense - so good. I didn’t provide any services to him this night ( it was an exhausting day). We watched a movie and he stayed the night. I think I needed to set my expectations early with bar/head boy as he had stood me up a few times for dinner and was clear it was a causal arrangement but I was okay with that

This day was important for me because it highlighted to me that I was not wanting to date and try to find a partner. I just want to have fun, with no shame, with no guilt and just do me. I recognised it was hard to connect with anyone - without putting in so much effort. I have barely moved to a second date with any other guy other than PBJ. I am so glad to be focusing on my work, my training at the gym and making time for a social life with my friends and having fun on the side.

[thesmallcast]

Balinese

It has been a few exhausting past months, though I feel I had a manageable solution for each area in my life that was causing me distress (admittedly a bit after the fact). There was a build up of different things going on especially after things ending with PBJ. I knew that I had a holiday coming up which helped knowing there was a clock on it. I was having my best mates in town and  Bali for a week - what more could a girl ask for.  I had a flare up just before I went away- so I knew that I was overdoing it. I love how it's a gentle little reminder to pull it back.

Work has been a handful however I feel I finally have the confidence back after all the stress, and change that happened last year at work. I really went down a rabbit hole which I have never had in my career to the point that I took personal leave. I never have really updated my blog on that. Surprisingly, a lot of it was to do with my new manager, who has been at work for two months now after finding out she has Stage 3 cancer. She will be fighting it off with chemo for the remainder of the year. She has a husband and two teenage daughters. It's so devastating. I have never seen anyone so brave though in the midst of it or at least being courageous in the public eye. Work is so busy though,  with my manager being away it just leaves me holding the fort. Its been a balancing act of juggling all the components, taking on new workload and trying to navigate my way through. I have always been in pretty busy roles, but I've always known my way and what to do and led my way. The difference in my new role is that I don’t know everything at the back of my hand, I’m still learning. Also, I am dependent on other functions as well which is a different way of managing time. Before I went away for leave, my work bought me flowers just to say thanks and say they appreciate all the work I have been doing. It was a nice gesture as well as a friendly reminder to myself to not be so hard on myself and focus on all the good and my strengths. With the sheer amount of workload, I have put in some tactics, to write a to-do list, get out of work in time ( sounds like the opposite of getting work done, but I need to get out on time to enjoy ‘Sam’ time as well), spending once a week filing emails and reprioritising tasks. Its been working though I'm only keeping things afloat, I haven’t had the time to drill into the big projects.

On top of work, my exercise and gym routine has been out the window. I’ve had a slump in motivation, I have been out of the gym since February and being restricted by an injury which I left to get worse didn’t help. As I've been limited to what I could do. I tried running only to get tendonitis. I started going to the physio, which was the best thing I could have done and I wish I went sooner.  I addressed my tendonitis and started working on my hip mobility and my back pain I had been experiencing. One day I was at work and my right leg just started tingling, my foot was numb and I was so scared it would stay like that. My back has been in continuous pain off and on which is worrying me about how my training will progress. I haven’t been able to do weight lifting ( I had stopped as well cause I knew I didn’t have the strength and had wanted to work on saving at the time for my Europe plan). I have now signed up for a personal trainer at the gym for 1 on 1 session. It was my first week back and it was great! It's a bit expensive, but I see it as an investment. ( Since I'm catching up on this blog post a bit late I can say I have already noticed a major difference in my mobility and reduced pain. I can’t wait to get stronger and be stronger).

Most importantly making constructive ‘Sam’ time. I have been trying to find a balance of social life and "Sam" time. I’ve recently had numerous friends go through horrific breakups and I’ve been giving so much energy I was feeling low and drained. I didn’t realise how much your surroundings could affect you. I love supporting my friends and definitely backing them, as I would want my friends to do the same. I just wasn’t in tune with how I was feeling and probably needed to wind in the reel a bit. My mindset over this time made me realise that I was showing up but not being emotionally present, I had taken things super personal and been a bit sensitive which wasn’t being fair to those around me. Ready for the getaway.

Just before I headed out to Bali, my best mates were here for the weekend and save to say it was an epic weekend. Full of adventures and sightseeing in Sydney and we saw it all. I actually couldn’t believe how much we did - they saw all of Sydney ( Dammit). It was so nice having them here that it was hard to say goodbye ( I actually had a tear over it). Highlights: The Bondi to Coogee walk on day 1 having mad catch ups and yarns, the chef deluxe menu cooked by DK’s sister and husband, the blue mountains getaway and rewarding scones after, halloumi burgers in Marrickville ( even though cheese gives me the bloats and the poos), KB taking over my tinder chats, the ferry to manly, eating the worlds hottest corn chip ( the experience wasn’t pleasant but hilarious after)… I realised I just listed out the whole trip!

There was a small low light for me which was having an icicles moment. When we were in the Blue mountains I was giving guidance on the path to walk and no one was listening to me. The feeling of being unheard, I have done the walk but no one was listening so I walked to the loo. When I came back, Dk and his sis had picked the path we needed to take and I lost it because I had said it like 5 times. I knew this. I threw a childish little tantrum about it and went all quiet and stubborn. I didn’t know how to break free from it. There was a small crossroad at the opening of the path, I got asked which way to go, I just went all silent. They went down the stairs to one of the big views. I snapped out of it pretty quick. Usually, I sink lower into the funk because I’m embarrassed by how I’m acting and don’t know how to act normally its a weird feeling. I have in the past had funks and have had to sleep it off. I also haven’t had a funk like that in a long time but it went as quick as it came. It definitely didn’t ruin the weekend and no one else had even thought about it again but obviously, it played in mind.

I headed straight off to Bali. Bali was the perfect break, I flew over by myself to meet my close friend from back home, NB and her boyfriend (CB). NB had actually convinced me to buy the flights. It was a week of massages, food, relaxing, chilling in my bikini. We had a few day trips, one when we went to Ubud. We did the giant swings, walked through the rice paddies, checked out the monkey sanctuary, drunk coffee which had been pooped out by a Kopi Luwak (a type of cat). Please look it up, its a thing, I wasn’t just drinking cat poo. We spent a day at Finns Beach club, that was heaven we just had food and drink on tap all day long. NB and I swam in the ocean it was bliss. For most of the trip we stayed in the area, we had a villa in Canngu. The area was super laid back and safe. There was a lot of cross fit gyms, massage parlours and whole food eateries. We had dry heat the whole time. Canggu was a nice part of Bali as opposed to Seminyak where there were so many people, and so many Balinese drivers saying “Taxi?”. It did my head in but we spent one night in Seminyak eating and then going for a dance which ended up being just NB and I. It was magical like old times. Bali was a cheap trip and super relaxing. Most mornings, I would go for a walk an explore, grab some brekkie and get a massage then meet up with my NB and CB at the Villa. We had hired two scooters for the duration of the trip but I was not ballsy enough so we did rides. CB would take one of us and then come back for the other, we had a system. I could not drive a scooter and NB attempted only to drive into the wall during her introduction lesson. Its a NO from me. NB and I have been friends for over a decade now, the most beautiful thing about our friendship is it doesn’t change. We can go weeks, sometimes months without talking but for everything to be perfect and just the way it was. She’s always been so accepting and supportive of me and ensures I stand up for what I value and believe in. She also is so raw and honest! Bloody love her, I'm truly blessed with a tribe of amazing girls back home. KB, DK and I talk practically every day and I feel the exact same. I am so lucky, blessed and grateful for the amazing souls back home and a few near and dear here in Sydney.  

Now I have come back from Bali, with my energy revitalised and my soul feels lighter. I think I needed a break and it's so important to take them regularly. I go home often but it never feels like a break as I always cram and overdo it but I'm getting better. Back to the grind.

[thesmallcast]

Stage 5

I’m like to think that Im pretty cool, laid back, classic kiwi chick. Always loyal, honest and supportive. When it comes to dating and guys I can get a bit wrapped up in expectations and over thinking. I get in my head of how things should be rather than it going with the flow. Sometimes I need to take a step back. However, Ive never gone to the next level of stalking a guy out or being the term a ‘stage 5 clinger’ …Until 3 weeks ago.

A stage 5 clinger doesn’t seem to be a common term these days, though can easily be found in the urban dictionary. Its defined as “ they end up being a total STALKER and CLINGY”. 

PBJ and I were over, and I was strong and confident about my decision though as per most breakups there is a always that emotional rollercoaster, “I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m not okay, Why can’t we be together, why isn’t he messaging me, I’m sad, I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m ready to move on” . Once PBJ and I had called it quits, I had this expectation that he would reach out and see how I was and arrange a catch up to see me, but he didn't. Its obvious as to why but I was going through my rollercoaster. It started to play at me as I was so confident, and all of a sudden I wasn’t. So I set a plan in place, which at the time I was just trying to get the validation ( which I always seek) 

I messaged PBJ at 3pm on Saturday to tell him to let me know when he’s finished work and I’ll give him a call. I was thinking that when he called I would let him know I had his USB and we should organise a catch up or just start conversation, I could see what had been doing. Well, I am so glad he didn’t call. It makes me cringe. His USB?! They are $8, nobody cares about a USB stick. It was 5pm, no text, I was planning on seeing the Avengers at 7pm, I was telling myself that it was all sold out in my area so I would have to watch it out near his house. To be clear the movie wasn’t actually sold out in my area and to get his house was a 20 minute Uber drive. So I booked tickets in his area and went and watched Avengers at 7pm.  I wasn’t concerned that I hadn’t heard from PBJ - I know how late he works and  I was expecting him to respond during the film ( Keyword: expecting) . At 10:30pm , I came out of the film and checked my phone immediately. No message. I felt so sad, I truly thought I would get a reply, I was expecting one (There is that word again). I started walking down the road, to his house. ( No going back). I stood outside his house and saw his car in the drive and the lights on in his house. I tried calling but no reply. I dropped his USB in the mailbox but I didn’t know what to do I had a heart sinking moment, I felt sick and all the “What if’s”, “What if he is with his ex”. Absolute sheer craziness.

I wandered up the road and ordered an Uber, when the Uber arrived I asked him to stop outside PBJs house I could see the lights were off now. I messaged him to ask if he was ignoring me. Stage fiver.  

When I got home, I felt super sad and realised how much I missed him and what a great connection we truly had. I took some time to myself, went through our messages and realised I never sent him a message back, I messaged him again  and said, “ Im sorry, of course you aren’t ignoring me , you probably thought I was when I didn’t reply”. When I was back home and had a moment to reflect I realised how crazy it all was. No regrets though. 

I wake up the next day, he would have 3 messages and a missed call from me and he’s replied how sorry he was, that he’s just taking some time out for himself, how everything is to much at the moment and he’s taking time to disconnect. He also said “I do feel I definitely wasn’t ready to start seeing someone again and you got caught in the crossfire. I just couldn’t see it at the time”. It was a bit crushing, though true - we both knew this. I replied like the boss woman that I am on higher ground. I also told him I dropped his USB off ( he does not know that I was a stage 5 outside his house in the middle of the night). I set these expectations which made me hurt, when it ended in the best possible way it could. 

I look back at what I did and laugh, writing it out I just see how silly it was. If he had answered his phone, had seen me outside, it would have been so embarrassing. Thats the great thing though is I can look back and laugh, I can recognise it. I know it was all in my head  and setting unrealistic expectations. I think one day I could tell him and we could laugh about it but we are still a long while away from that. Its been challenging dating new people and trying not to compare what we had. It was all so easy with PBJ, the connection was real and rare. I have to remind myself that I will not settle for less and I will find someone that is ready to give me 100, which PBJ was unable to do.

I struggle with expectations and how things should be, or just a small thing. Expectations can set you up for disappointment and sometimes I truly need to pull back and look in. I so easy fall into the patterns of expectations. I thinks its fair to have values and boundaries to have respected but expectations are unfair and tendency to let you down. 

Im cool, easy breezy … most the time. Counting down the days to my Bali getaway

[thesmallcast]

Peanut Butter Jelly

I have not been in a relationship or anywhere near one in 2 years. My ex was emotionally toxic; I learnt so much from the relationship, made amazing friendships and learnt a lot about myself in the process.

The new guy that is on the cards is PBJ. The wedding encounter started it all and it has been so refreshing to meet someone I connect with instantly. We have so much to talk about and we're talking every day after the wedding, have been on over 9 dates, I have opened up about my Herpes with him. I am so comfortable already. The best qualities I see in PBJ is his willingness to try new things not only in food but in adventures, he is so accepting of others and has an open mind, he is funny, he loves horror movies ( my absolute favourite), he has a really good self-awareness and reflects on himself, he’s been so transparent and honest since meeting him which is so refreshing it makes me feel I always know where I sit and where his head is. We have been seeing each other for over 2 month’s and things have been great, he’s not my usual type of guy I would go for which is a good change.

Last week, we had an amazing date at the arcade, had dinner, watched horror and he slept the night. In the morning, we were looking at a trip away in April sometime to the Blue mountains, PBJ is working weekdays and weekends at the moment, so we flicked over his calendar into May. A week of time was blocked out that said “ Wedding”. His and ex were planned to get married. I asked him if he was okay if he wanted to talk about. He said, there is something I need to tell you. Instantly, my mind thinks “Here we go”. PBJ’s ex reached out to say she no longer wanted a polygamous relationship, she wanted him to break up with me and for them to try things again. I had predicted this would come from her when she learnt he had moved on and was happy. PBJ was angry and furious at her when they had something great together and she had every opportunity to come to this realisation. His openness to the situation is incredible at how willing he is to share. However, there was no clear answer of whether he said yes or no.

Later that evening, I thought on it again and realised that anger would have been his initial emotion to process though he must be feeling mixed emotions. I reached out: “Hey, I know it must be hard with the ex situation and a very hard situation to process, I am here to give you space and time. At the same time, I’m scared of the unknown and where I sit in this”. He couldn’t give me a clear answer on where I was sitting in it or what he wanted to do. I had a lot of emotions going through my mind. I went over to his and we just hung out together but didn’t touch on the subject. The next day,  I really had time to process my thoughts, I realised it wasn’t fair as I was falling for Paul and if I kept seeing him I would be setting myself up to get hurt. I told him this, “I have reflected on last night, and you have a decision to make, I will give you the time and space to make it, though I can't see you while you don’t know what you want, to protect myself and you”. He reacted a bit short, to begin with, though he completely understood, he respected the time I was giving him and that he appreciated my support and patience.

Its been incredibly hard giving space to someone you are still getting to know but enjoying so much. I didn’t want to rush anything with us to be titled “boyfriend/girlfriend”. I just can't date someone who doesn’t know if he should be with his ex. I have had so many mixed emotions on it, I didn’t want to do it during a busy work period for him. I think he was on the same page as me, even though we haven’t had conversations about the exclusivity of dating that we were finally getting to the stage of just seeing one another. Its been 4 days with a few messages in between letting me know he missed me already. He has told me a decision has been made and let's catch up early next week to talk about it. What a challenge, it's been playing on my mind since I found out I need to know! We have a call any minute for a live blog update if that's a thing?!

……..

The decision has been made to not continue with his ex, he had a list of things to go through with her and he couldn’t get the past the first thing off his list. He is no longer a vegan. She still doesn’t know he is dating me specifically. He seemed very certain of his decision and did tell me it wasn’t making a decision between me or her, it was deciding whether to be with her or not. He didn’t want to compare us at all though has been enjoying what we have together. He can’t trust that she won’t cheat or go back to her old ways. I guess there were a few things they needed to close out. PBJ did close out to say that he does plan to continue to be friends with her, which didn’t sit well with me.

………

We ended up hanging out the night after the decision, he had invited me to go to the movies, he had a full on weekend working and not even time to relax. I was just so excited after the space to see him again, we had a good time and saw a movie. I could tell something was up with him, he was cold and seemed withdrawn. The more I gave affection and my attention, the more I felt a little rejected and not enough (My self-worth shouldn’t and won’t be dictated by how someone is interacting). I should have taken a step back and thought he must be super exhausted, he’s just closed a door with his ex, I just couldn’t help how I was feeling. He’s clearly still processing and needs time to heal. I am now questioning whether this is a time for us to be together at all. He did mention that he wasn’t quite himself and loads of things were playing on his mind. Later the next day, he kept saying he only shifted a bit though I thought he shifted a lot more than that.

We spoke a couple of days later, I was initially grumpy and unable to communicate how I was feeling, I could tell I was already putting a wall up in front of him and pulling away. I was shifting my perspective and thoughts.  I ended up telling him how I felt on Monday and shared my views, he listened and apologised. I understood it wouldn’t be overnight for him but how could he heal and process if he kept talking to the one person he’s trying to heal from? His ex. PBJ bought up us being exclusive so I thought this was the right moment to tell him about the tattooed punk I had seen. His reaction; he was disappointed. I thought it was unfair when I had been a balancing act with his ex in the picture since day one. I don’t think exclusivity was the right decision to make. It was impulse and everything is now rushing when it needs to be slow. He still has so many thoughts swirling in his head - I couldn’t even imagine how it would feel. I think if she hadn’t asked for him back then it would have been easier for him to process.

On Saturday, we had the best time we went out with a group of friends and just had so much fun. I could feel there was hesitation on my part - I felt embarrassed by how I had been on Thursday and it scared me. We were being just the ideal couple, however, I later learnt; that the moment I stepped away from the table and my friend spoke to him of us, he spoke of his ex. That was so disappointing to hear. It truly made me feel like the distraction and rebound even though he said that wasn’t what I was. During the week we had dinner with my friends and he was 20 minutes late. I told him he seemed nervous to start with (which I thought was super sweet). He actually proceeded to complain about how he was so drained from rushing and sitting in traffic and how he wasn’t completely present at dinner. It wasn’t him being nervous. He always knew dinner was on Wednesday; We could have pushed out dinner,  he could have started work a bit earlier that day.  I also don’t like being late when I'm meeting people, I was feeling anxious. I guess I just keep having these expectations of how things should be and they don’t turn out that way.

Everything was shifting and it was changing, we were so good and were connecting and having so much fun, as soon as his ex came back into the picture the dynamic changed. He told me I had shifted ‘dramatically’,   though I was only adjusting to him and how present he was being. It had been two weeks since everything came out and it was the weekend again, all my feelings and thoughts exploded in my mind into a billion pieces of untraceable data. I gave him a hard time about teasing me but it wasn’t so much that it affected me, it was that I felt guilty when he made jokes that he actually meant but in a joking way ( they were pulling down an already sensitive and fragile wall). I had even pre-warned him about the jokes as I was feeling sensitive. I was picking on him though, e.g giving him a hard time about his Nike's which are about a century old and look like spice girls shoes. He said he could use them for exercise and I told him you shouldn’t run in platforms. Still, find it hilarious.

The weekend resurfaced a lot of feelings for me, My past demons were shadowing my sight and triggering feelings/emotions. The whole purpose of icicles was to write about that particular behaviour. I become reactive, defensive and stubborn. I was feeling unheard. I get this way with my mum the most. I recognised that I was in a weird mindset and I was letting everything bother me, and I couldn’t work it out. I think it was me pulling away. PBJ had baggage, everyone has baggage it’s just he doesn’t know what mine is yet. PBJ said I was a good influence on him not drinking: Excuse me, you can make your own choices. I don’t dictate if you drink or not. PBJ:  “Do you mind if I have a drink, I know this is your first time being with someone since giving up alcohol”. The response should have been, “Wow, how sweet that you have been so considerate to think of me”. Instead, I am negative, “You don’t need to ask me every time”. The check in with alcohol was really sweet and I was a super bitch about it.

We went shopping at the mall for some basics, jackets and shoes for PBJ, I had pulled out colours and told him which ones I liked and my preferred options. All my suggestions were the opposite of what he went for. It was the smallest thing but I didn’t feel heard and it’s not up to PBJ to constantly validate that! Those are my issues, I love that he wanted me to be part of that experience. Also, I was trying on clothes and didn’t need any opinion as I know what I like to wear and what I want so was doing my own thing without his opinion at all. I made little remarks “ Why even ask me?” . I think that we just have dived so fast into it and have had all these complicated matters to deal with and we don’t even know each other to know what to say or how to act. I want my feelings to be valid too but I don’t think he has the emotional capacity to take that on or deal with my past issues crossing paths with his present. He’s been working so much that he hasn’t had enough PBJ time to really be able to understand how he is feeling and process those thoughts. I want to talk about my day and work and for him to be interested and involved. I know I was being unfair over the weekend and that's what affected me the most, is I don’t know how to pull myself out of that black hole when I'm in the moment. I was beating myself up mainly because it was raining and I didn’t have an umbrella to shield me from my own emotional storm.

Although many good qualities with PBJ, as soon as I sensed the shift I actually saw a whole range of qualities that I was unsure about; the jokes he makes which aren’t really jokes, having to be right and adamant about the smallest of things e.g I thought it was raining. He said there have to be clouds for it to rain, I look up there is a fuck load of clouds. How can you try to be right about something that's physically in front of you?! He told me that I was trying to make it into a competition, which is meant to justify it?. I don’t like to be constantly teased, a fine balance of teasing and being appreciated. The whole situation had changed and I’m unsure if it could go back to being how it was. I can’t expect him to recover overnight from it all however he continued to talk to his ex still and consistently brings her up around me which was a red flag from day 1, she’s staying in Australia now when previously she was leaving the country. My ex used to talk to his ex a lot and I always felt like I was competing for affection. I deserve more than that. Also, the last time we saw each other, I left his house crying as he had told me he didn’t want to go down on me because of my Herpes and it's not protected. The way he went about telling me that, it just sent a flood of emotions over me. I know his intention wasn’t to hurt me and he did apologise. When I called him later that day, to make sure he was okay. He brought up this girl, GB he was going to see. The same girl, he has got nervous about bumping into, had dated, had slept with. On top of everything going on, how he thought it was a good time to drop this in. He said at least I’m being honest rather than going behind your back to see her. So it's not an option, he’s just telling me what he’s going to do. Same with the Herpes, it wasn’t a conversation to be educated or how we could make it work. It was a straight ‘No’, this is the decision.  This left a sour taste in my mouth which led to the break and a decision to be made.

We are officially over. We were together from Feb to the end of April, I don’t even know if I would call it a relationship, technically he was my boyfriend for two weeks. It's hard to take it personally though I made the right decision for myself and I definitely learnt so much in the short term about what I want and be more aware of those feeling surfacing. PBJ and I will still be friends, our contact will be reduced and hangouts will probably be confined to when the friend group hangs out. It's hard to say goodbye as well because it only had just started. I was excited about adventures and fun - a connection to flourish. It just wasn’t meant to be - this time around.

[thesmallcast]

The Diagnosis

I have spoken on multiple occasions about the time prior to giving up alcohol and after the breakup of my long-term relationship - the stress, anxiety and discovery within that time in my life. I would call it more a revelation, a reassessment and the start of a journey, a new chapter. During that time, I got diagnosed with herpes.

There is a huge stigma about herpes. There are also jokes people crack like “at least you don’t have herpes”, or references in movies like “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except for herpes - that shit will come back with you." I was pretty uneducated about herpes, just as I was about the LGBTQI community until I lived with a transgender flatmate. I was devastated when I first found out I had herpes, thinking 'who would want to be with me now', and 'I'm disgusting'. So many negative thoughts twirled around in my head and I beat myself up continuously. I remember when I confided in my best guy mate, he said it didn’t change a god damn thing (not those words exactly though was super supportive). Herpes is incurable, and it's different for everyone. Some people may never have a flare up, others may only have one in their lifetime. Or people like me who, when stressed, run down or get high anxiety, get a flare up and manage it.

I had made mention in my initial blog post about my personal health discovery which has taken me a while to fully process and come to terms with. It's just like the common cold sore but down below. I completely embrace it. It doesn’t at all change who I am or what I do, and if anything it also helps to identify the judgemental people I don’t want in my life. I have shared it with friends and none have been judgemental - in fact, just the opposite. I have had a range of reactions, from sympathetic to supportive, from nonchalant to loving.

The initial discovery was shortly after I had slept with a work colleague. It was my first sexual experience since my ex, and I was drinking heavily around this period and handling high anxiety. It was very odd because I got one sore on the skin where I should have been crafting a beautiful landing strip. The doctor, Doctor S, was very blasé about it and looked and said “Yup, that’s herpes”, though she made mention that it was super unusual that I didn’t have a full blown outbreak, which was the most common for people first diagnosed. She also said that it was strange for the area. But as I said before, everyone is different. Doctor S didn’t do any blood tests, which I found out later is the way to definitely diagnose it.  She was able to identify it from the symptoms and looking at it. She said it wasn’t anything to worry about, and that it's a lot more common than you think. I was already going through a rough patch and it felt like yet another bad thing. When I was drinking, I always felt bad things would happen, and the universe would be giving out little signals to say “Sam, you have got to stop drinking”. Do I wonder who I got it from? Not really. It is what it is, as they say. I could have had it for years without knowing - it's just part of it.

Doctor S was unorthodox and I felt she had no empathy around my previous trauma and assault. I had mentioned my issues about my vagina, which at the time I also wasn’t diagnosed with. I later found out I had vaginismus, which is involuntary contractions of the muscles at the entrance of the vagina that makes penetration painful or impossible. At the initial stages, I couldn’t use tampons and still to this day have to use applicators. I went to a gynaecologist and have seen a significant difference, though some times it can still be painful for me, which I have noticed now I'm having sex again.  I was open about my issues and sensitivity, so the final straw came when Doctor S gave me a Pap smear. With no consideration, she just shoved the swab stick right up my vagina. I was distraught because it violated my trust. It was an awful experience and it hurt.  Doctor S had also prescribed me Valtrex an antiviral medication for herpes which I took every day for 6 months

I changed clinics. I met Doctor B. I told her my history and requested a prescription for Valtrex. She couldn’t understand why I was taking it every day. I told her Doctor S had prescribed it as a daily script. Doctor B let me know that it’s supposed to be taken only when I have a flare up for a maximum of once a day for 3 days. Unbelievable.

I have had 3 flare ups (I also call them ‘outbreaks’) since being diagnosed and 2 were within weeks of each other. I still had never had a blood test that would confirm I was carrying the virus because you can’t have the test until it’s visible (is what I was told). I had accepted that I had herpes from the initial diagnosis and started dealing with it that way and unravelling the stigma.

I told friends. I told my family. I felt I could create more awareness of it for those that have been diagnosed and make it more acceptable. You talk about something for long enough, the stigma disappears. I also wanted to get a running head start for when I decided to tell a partner.

I hadn't seen anyone or been with anyone I’ve needed to confide this to. It was always very nerve-wracking, the thought of having to tell a partner “Hey, I have herpes...no biggie”. When I started seeing PBJ, I knew that he was more than a one night stand. He was really great about it and wanted to know more about it and when I last had it, and how many outbreaks I'd had. I could tell from his initial reaction he was a bit taken back. It just was by pure chance that I was run down, stressed and had an outbreak while with PBJ. I showed it to him, and he said "No way that is the herp". The only thing that got me was PBJ kept asking me to wash my hands like I was some kind of infectious monster. Mate, it cant be passed on like that. It's like if I sat on a toilet seat, I can't pass it to the next person after me. It has to be skin to skin contact (another stigma around the herp). PBJ did offer to come to the doctor with me, although it was something I wanted to do on my own. As I was in the middle of a flare up, now was the time to get a conclusive test. Now I recognise it coming on, I can take the medication and only have a sore for the day. I saw a new Doctor, due to going in on a Saturday. Doctor C told me that you didn’t have to be showing symptoms for a blood test to tell you if you had it or not because it's in your blood stream… frustration! My blood test results came back and it turns out I have Type 1 and 2. Type 2 is the genital kind and Type 1 is the mouth kind. Type 1 came as a surprise to me as I have never had a cold sore on my mouth before (which is essentially what it is). You can have it without bearing any symptoms your whole life.

I have been very lucky with my herpes. I can recognise my flare-ups now: usually a numb or painful leg, I get soreness in the spot that I always get my sore, it's like an aching pain rather than an “oops, I knicked myself with a shaver” pain. I can recognise when I’m feeling low, stressed, overwhelmed, and I get one sore at my hairline, which is not as bad as what others may experience. I am accepting of it. I take some time out, I take my medication. There is a lot worse in the world.

I have become so comfortable with it and sharing it with others so they feel okay. It is okay! Last year, I shared with another friend from NZ about how the only thing I struggle with when dating is how I would tell a partner I have the herp. She opened up and said, “OMG I have it too”. How amazing that I now have a friend to lean on and talk about this together. It's great to hear other experiences, how other people manage it, how they have coped. My friend is accepting too.

Another time, I met one of my (now) super close friends EP. At the time it was our first ever dinner date in Broadway and were talking about what to have for dessert and I said, “Oh I'm getting ice cream and by the way I have herpes”. She just laughed at how I brought it up and was just like “Ok”. She was supportive and amazing throughout the Doctor ordeal. I have started opening up to my close friends and I am not scared to spread it - my diagnosis that is. It doesn’t define me, it doesn’t change me, it doesn’t rule my life. I will continue to always be 100 per cent ME!

[thesmallcast]

Three Bs to Three Ps

My last trip to New Zealand I overdid it, as I always do. This time it was also a build up of events on either side, Australia Day, meaning it was a short week. A last-minute trip to Melbourne for work, followed by a 2-day team workshop straight into a flight to Auckland. It was a delayed flight which meant I didn’t arrive till 1am on Saturday and got up again within 4 hours sleep to see as many people as I possibly could. As soon as I came back to Sydney, I didn’t have a day to play catch up, I ended up catching a cold, was out of routine, tired and felt overall lousy.  I still need to work on taking more time for me, though maybe I just need to make time when I come back to relax before jumping back into work. I felt I had more downtime than most trips hanging with my little niece.

Coming back to Sydney I have been keeping busy. It was an eventful weekend, to say the least

Friday, I went to AA which I hadn’t been in some time and I naturally just started walking down to the group meeting. I use to go on Friday nights, which were what my therapist called “Danger Fridays”. They are just Fridays these days. At this particular meeting, they had a speaker night, which is what they have every second week. This is where I had an encounter with a DILF, an attractive 45-year-old man that reignited my bedroom intimacy. He was well dressed, his accent, his stories, I was strangely attracted to this man - I didn’t want anything further with him other than lusting over him. It was the strangest experience and feeling. I went home and ended up playing with myself which I hadn’t had in so long, getting intimate with myself was something I had struggled with for some time in terms of being super hands on.  

Saturday, I went to the sex shop and made a couple of purchases, which was followed by having a raunchy Scottish uber driver making a move on me and letting a tattooed punk watch me play with myself.  I also got asked out by a crazy Italian who wasn’t bad looking. It was also nice to be asked out in the train station #organic. A nice ego-boosting weekend.

Sunday, A coffee date with a really nice guy who set the gold standard of dating. Paul and I only had a coffee but we had an easy conversation, was relatable, it felt good, he was good looking. He asked me on a second date ( a first). We both had pretty busy weeks with my Mum in town and I also had a wedding so we decided to catch up on the Monday following. During that time I barely heard from him. I had a moment of why is he not messaging, in my head I thought “Of course, the one guy I had a great date with I don’t hear from”. I did have a moment of over analysing the situation. The weekend approached and the wedding had passed, I rung him. He seemed taken by surprise by my call and said he would message me. He messaged me to tell me that some personal things had come up and he’s not ready to be dating. I was slightly disappointed however it just wasn’t meant to be. I also was super proud because I had a moment of rejection earlier in the week but I then took a step back and thought - Well I have now learnt how I want a first date to look and who would succeed to a second date, I learnt that I want easy conversation and flow.

At the wedding, I met a new P, PBJ, well not so new. I knew PBJ from my friend group, though he was engaged to be married and surprisingly we never had one on one chats when we hung out. Heading to the wedding I wasn’t expecting to meet anyone especially as I knew everyone in our friend group. Paul was recently single and he just seemed so happy, full of energy, I really liked it and I was getting a really good vibe. We started talking. I felt we could have just kept talking all night. We danced and hung out for part of the night. As the night was wrapping I went up and said, “ This may be inappropriate, I had fun getting to know you tonight, would you be keen to hang out again?”.  He said “ In what context”,  I said “ whatever context”. He ended up messaging me and we ended up going on a date the following Wednesday. I had so much fun! We had dinner, went to golf putt and had ice cream. The conversation just flowed. The only red flag was he recently came out of a long term relationship and she was a hot topic of conversation during the night. I liked that he was open and honest about it but generally you don’t want the ex to be the main subject of the night! PBJ isn’t my usual type of guy I would go for physically, he is smaller than me but I was attracted to him after interacting on Saturday.  At the end of the night, he dropped me home and ended up getting a sly kiss in and asking me on a second date… A SECOND DATE!!!

The second date ended up being lunch, a walk and a swim. Again, we have endless things to talk about but again ex was a common theme in conversation. I wasn’t sure if I was 100 per cent physically attracted which I didn't want to dwell on because he had an attractive face, I also am on the view that an emotional connection can also help to control that. We went back to PBJ’s to have dinner and watch a horror movie. While chilling on the balcony, his ex had shown up to drop off his opal card he had lent her (that day!). She saw that he was not alone. He started to freak out. It made me feel super uncomfortable, he didn’t know whether to go down and see her or what to do. He didn't go down, though if he had it would have been the end. The moment passed, we ended up watching movies and hanging out. He kissed me and things were getting a bit steamy. I had decided that I would sleep with him and stay the night. Sex was super good, it was restricted due to his ribs being fractured though it still got me there. I do feel he needs healing from his ex.  Long story, short. Their relationship ended due to her wanting a polygamous relationship and he wasn’t up for that. She had wanted it from day one and had started experimenting with it which was uncomfortable for PBJ so he ended it.

I was holding reservations about PBJ, he truly was ticking all boxes though I was confused. I ended up catching up with the tattooed punk, who I am physically attracted but not at all emotionally. He is an absolute meathead, we are not aligned on the same values. We ended up getting together, and I instantly felt so guilty, sad and just wanted PBJ. I spoke to my therapist about it the week following and she said that its all part of my complex from childhood to be wanted and validated, though I was on the fence about that. I just didn’t know what I wanted and whether I was just settling or my feelings. The learning I took away was that I don’t want to see or be with anyone other than PBJ, and the connection we have is a real one. We weren't exclusive so I was allowed to explore my options. 

PBJ and I have now been seeing each other for 4 weeks, at one point spending the whole weekend together. I am happy and enjoying how things are. I know that I had plans to pack up and leave to Europe and I need to just assess myself and make sure I am being as transparent with PBJ as he is to me. Just going with the flow and seeing where it goes. It's super nice to be able to be myself with someone. Time will tell.

[thesmallcast]

The intricacies of the male species

I have been on a self loving journey for close to two years and one thing that I have found hard, which I continuously do, is males, male interaction and dating! I didn’t want to commit to anyone in 2019 primarily as I have big plans to move and I am truly happy doing me. I have been talking to a few different guys and been on a couple dates and it made me realise that I really love my routine and doing me but I also want the company, attention, and to learn more about what I want , what I like and don’t like! See what happens!

I feel a lot of effort goes into messaging someone and getting to know them and working out their story. You then go on a date and not be quite sure its a match, sometimes physical, sometimes the conversation is different in person. Its a lot of time and effort involved especially as you may be talking to several different people. Dating is exhausting.I went on a date last night with a guy, we had spoken really openly and honestly about lots of topics prior which helped

I am quite shallow when it comes to dating - of course, I think of what other people will think of my partner but I also need to be attracted to him! Most swiping apps are based on looks in the first instance but what you see isn’t always what you get . My date wasn’t what I was expecting in terms of his body shape, he had a great smile, nice face features, he was funny, sweet. We had dinner. ( he paid) and we had dessert after ( I paid), we had started this game where we ask questions anything we like and the questions started getting sexual, Have you had a threesome (Yes), Have you been a swingers club ( Yes).. I started to feel uncomfortable and he could sense it . I said “I feel this makes me look bad and I don’t want you to get the wrong impression of me”. He said “ Don’t be silly, it doesn’t matter, I see it as a good thing that you have had experience and its not a bad thing at all and I wouldn’t judge you for it”, That one line! I need to own my sexual past more and not be insecure and think that it should affect what a partner will think of me. As the right partner for me will be supportive and accepting of me. I also don’t need to talk about it on a first date! I enjoyed how open I could be with him as he was equally as open. I did have fun. He was a bit nerdy. We kissed but I was hesitant as i didn’t feel ready in that moment, I told him I need to be the one to do it and when I’m ready. After it all wrapped up, he came to my house and we hooked up and just fooled around a little ( no sex), I kept myself in check. The days after the vibe definitely changed the conversations were one sided, he didn’t seem as interested as before and it just went flat . I messaged him and told him I had a great time getting to know you, I had a great date with you but I didn’t enjoy the post date experience ( there were other bits here and there I didn’t say e.g physically not my type, not very active which i what I would want my partner to be ). He took what I said and said that he hoped I find what I’m looking for and wishes me all the happiness. I keep thinking how would I react if I got that feedback - would I take it in my stride or would I try resolve it, would I be angry with myself. I still think I would prefer to know then be ghosted or maybe it’s best not to know?!

I am super confident when it comes to meeting new people in terms of conversation and asking questions. I am completely and truly myself, which I am glad that I can finally express that part of me. I like to be honest and open. There is just this huge expectation in society of how males and females should interact after a date, “Play it cool”, “let him wait before replying”, “let the guy message you first”, “ He should pay on the first date”, Why does it have to be so black and white? If you know what you want and you felt there was a connection why not ask for another date, why not message first. I messaged Ben #3 to be a FWB ( Friends with Benefits), he didn’t reply, was I phased? No, I was completely honest about what I wanted from it and if that wasn’t what he wanted then thats also cool! The only thing that struck me ( and it happens often). Males complimenting the shit out of you and saying you are my “dream girl”, “you have such a nice ass”…. But then they are just in it for a one night stand. I seriously feel like males are such complex complicated creatures, how great would it be if you could just send a customer service satisfactory survey after a date or a bang just to assess your performance and try understand how it all works better. I have three brothers and I still don’t know how guys work. I even asked my brother for some dating and male advise - he said he had no idea he’s old and married with a baby ... fair response! I asked my best male mate too and his advise was pretty on spot with what my therapist told me too :

“Maybe the problem is that you are so up front and keen to move things forward to "dates" etc that you're spooking guys by the thought of commitment too soon. Were easily spooked by that. Like you seem willing to give them all of your attention and guys might think here comes a clinger.

What most guys prefer is to be teased with little bits of attention and feel like they have to play chase rather than be chased. We're all about the hunt...it's natural instinct. So if we feel like the girl we've got on well with isn't talking to us then we worry they might vanish so we chase if we're interested.

So basically use that to your advantage and plant seeds with guys but then leave them. Don't chase. Then if a guys comes looking for attention then tease him a bit more at a time and finally if something starts to spark then mention something like a "date".

Maybe that will work?The added advantage is that the best man for you will naturally chase...as he will be the one that clicks to your personality the most and not want it to vanish”

And re the Ben #3

“Like you said before you're offering no strings sex....basically ruling out a chase for them because they getting it served on a platter so it's a turn off. You make them want that so they chase you and reward it if they're nice and persistent”

... super fair. It could have been a numbers game, he may be looking for a relationship, who knows!

After the feedback and discussions with my best mates and my therapist , I have set my self a task of creating “Smalley’s guide to dating” which essentially covers the requirements to go on a date with me. I’m limited edition and should ensure that there is a connection! The pre date requirements include getting to know that person for 2-3 weeks prior to a date in person, don’t be too open and give it all away, no sexual talk ( although I’m owning it I also don’t want to preempt that on the first date). The date needs to be on my terms and to be my schedule/ routine - no weekdays, no coming to my house after. After the first date, male has to message first ( because it’s my own rule to myself, if he’s interested he will message me ), the list goes on and will grow! I’ve also made a checklist of small things I’d want in a partner but I hope by meeting more people I work out my dating strategy and more of what I’m looking for. A huge thing for me is I want someone who is genuinely interested about me and what I do, what I do for a job and what my interests are. My job always has been a big part of me and I moved country for it…Am I even ready to move to a country on my own again? Am I doing it for the right reasons..We may need to explore that another day.

To put my guide to the test I downloaded Bumble for my dating exploration - the girl gets to initiate the conversation. Now although I am serious about dating, I don’t think there is anything wrong with fulfilling my needs on the side til I find something serious, which is why I was pleasantly surprised when I bumped into Ben #2 on bumble , we ended up catching up almost immediately. The thing I liked about Ben was how we had common interests; healthy lifestyle, active, not a big drinker and most importantly was an advocate for safe sex. I went over to his house where we watched a bit of TV, had a brief catch up on life ( he mostly was interested in talking about him - which was fine it was a hang and bang arrangement ). We had sex, he came pretty fast and then I left. He was super surprised ... you are leaving already... you don’t have too! It was great getting up and getting out. He ensured I got home safe and we agreed to meet up again. In his words, “best sex”. A couple days later I message him as it was my last free date before I have a busy week with work and heading back home . He came over to my house and we started an episode on Netflix, now as the episode ended we started getting frisky and we are having sex, as we are mid way he stops and starts watching the new episode which has rolled on... I was like “uhm okay” . It wasn’t a one off thing he kept getting distracted by the TV ?! So then it’s my turn to get on top and I get into it - I am a medium pace and holding him down a little , only to be told “no you are too rough” , I barely had a chance to do any work before I’m on my back again and he’s going all slow, watching tv again until he cums. Now the last occasions I hadn’t cum so I warmed up prior to him coming and came early, I had told him I struggle to cum ... a small white lie so he didn’t feel bad. Safe to say, he seemed stoked that I came fast. He stayed on ( made another mention of me leaving after sex last time ) and we watched the end of the next episode on the TV .. I asked him to catch me up seeing he had seen the first half. Just to add the cherry on top of an already interesting bang , as he was walking out he said see you next time ‘dude’ , “uhm okay... I’m a dude”. Save to say.... absolutely No!

I wanted to start this new thing we’re I communicated why it didn’t work, this is not only for me to validate what didn’t work but also for them to understand in themselves ( like the customer satisfaction survey) so in preparation for Ben’s new text ( or even if he doesn’t I at least got it off my chest ). I wrote out the following:

Hey, as I call you my sex buddy. I’m going to be straight

1 . I’m ok if you cum fast , I’m okay if you want it to last longer, slow it down but I’m not okay with someone watching tv mid sex

I’m ok to be called mate , shelia but I’m still not okay being called dude

I’m happy to slow my vibe , speed it up, stop, squat and drop it but I’m not ok with not being allowed the option of being on top .I am happy to take instruction ... but I get to be involved too

So as your message is for a sly hang and bang ... unless these three things can be considered then I can no longer call you my sex buddy!

Now I was wholeheartedly intending on sending this, even with conflicting opinions. E.g why put so much effort into someone you banged a few times, what’s the problem with being called a dude (gender neutral society). I definitely wasn’t doing it for him, I was doing it for myself. I could tell that he was a pre mature ejaculator. I was addressing the actions that I didn’t feel okay about. However it’s also not my place to name and shame what I don’t see right, this is just me working out what I don’t want, he might like watching TV during sex, he might not want “rough” sex and might not be comfortable enough to tell me. So I decided ( not by anyone else’s opinion but my own) that I wouldn’t send it and just politely decline further advances for sex.

From time to time i get all the thoughts in my head , “ What does he think of me”, “Am I pretty enough”, especially if someone didn’t want me to go on top, instantly I think “ Why not”, “Am I bad” ... which in this moment it went through my head but my instant reflection was “ No I should get just an equal opportunity, there’s nothing wrong with me, this is a sexual arrangement - he may cum to fast” . I genuinely feel I have so much confidence. My insecurities creep up from time to time and I do get caught up wondering these silly things that one person thinks of me. However, I am proud of myself, in this instance I had an immediate self reflection and I’m chuffed with ole me.

The last couple of weeks, I feel I have already learnt a shit load when it comes to dating but I know I have a long way to go and can’t wait to track my progress through my blog! It resonates so closely with my icicles! I’m am excited for this experience as I continue my self love journey along the way. Stay tuned!

[thesmallcast]

New Year, New MEga Goals

Before I hit into the 2019 goals and outlook, I do want to reflect on my last post. Sex has been a big topic of my blog and rightly so. I think that it was such a difficult thing for me to comprehend. Sober Sex! Getting intimate! Nervous! Scared! I had issues with my vagina this year where I couldn’t even put a tampon in without pain let alone the thought of anything else.  I saw a gynaecologist for “vaginismus” - which more or less is the tightening of my vagina muscles making any type of penetration painful or impossible. I felt fine physically but mentally I was still holding on to previous trauma. I think seeing my therapist again and talking more about has helped me heal. Finishing the drought was n’t as bad as I had expected, in fact, I'm amused by the way it played out and so proud of myself for taking a leap and just feeling that confidence again! Of course - the first thing to do is message all my friends and update them on the latest and greatest news…One friend commented “ Isn’t it weird having sex with someone who’s drunk and you’re sober” - I was a bit taken back. I am not going to be able to dictate this I have made a choice to go sober - for me, it doesn’t change anything. I'm more conscious of ensuring that the male is in the right state of mind to consent. Its something I won’t be able to control and it doesn’t bother me either way.

Coming into 2019 a big part of this year is to stop being so hard on myself for everything I do, live in the moment, breathe and embrace. Its easier said than done but I'm getting so much better at taking a step back and being more accepting. Sometimes a friendly reminder that Hey, that's just you being you, dorky Sam, open book, bold, confident, cheeky, fun, loud, loveable Sam… I won't be everyone's slice of pie but Il always be delicious. I will continue to shine bright and not be discouraged by those who don’t value me or me being wholeheartedly ME.

I have written up a tonne of goals which I feel like have shifted than my outlook for 2019 originally. I have recorded them all below

I'm going to take a break from weightlifting. Two reasons, one is to save money and the other is to work more on building muscle and losing body fat. I have gone guns blazing into weightlifting but have been injured several times recently that its time to make a change. I want to get back into running I use to enjoy it so much and build more muscles in the legs.  My 2019 goals are to

1.Squat my own Body Weight 2.Enter City to Surf in August 2019

Also, a friend from the gym TJ has kindly offered to write me up a program.. for free which I’m so excited for. She is so knowledgeable and has a strong understanding of what I want. She gets my vibe. I enjoy the gym, the feeling it gives me and getting shredded is also great... I love my body as it is today! Maybe not that one week during my period.  I have definitely done a 360 from where I used to be I couldn’t stand my hips, my thighs, my chin…. Now my hips and thighs are my favourite parts of me! I used to have to look in a mirror at my therapist and it was super confronting at first but now I can't stop a looking!

My saving goals are to get back on the saving bandwagon. After a massive spring clean today, I realised I have so much stuff! I have seven pairs of shorts - is it really necessary… definitely NOT. I have been told on countless occasions that I’m a shopaholic. I will happily admit that I am. I think that most girls are but I don’t even think through a purchase I just swipe my card. It’s time I change that and take action. I would hate to know how much I spend on clothing each month... each year. I have a total shopaholic mindset which this year Il be majorly working on. Do I need it?.  I feel like there is a birthday or any occasion I instantly ‘need’ a new dress for it. Other than it draining my bank account - Do I have any other purpose for it? I have brought so many one time dresses or outfits for just a special occasion. I also, on the other hand, have some items I wear to death e.g my denim shorts, my Elle t-shirt... essentially my go to ’s. Nobody actually remembers or gives a fuck what you are wearing ... let’s be real.

Last year in winter,  I decluttered and asking myself -Do I need this? Do I wear this? I filled two kitchen rubbish bags with clothes ... and I was ruthless. I didn’t fall for the whole I might wear this again.... if it hadn’t been in my laundry for the past 6 months it was gone. I did make an exception for summer outfits but I was pretty honest with what I will wear and what I didn’t wear last season or what just made a guest appearance. It didn’t mean I now have space to add more clothes in those drawers it just means I’m a little less cluttered. Somehow I have managed to get my drawers chockfull… AGAIN.

So the rules are:

1. I will only buy if an absolute necessity - e.g. Work pants fall apart… which they won't cause I have about 7 pairs of those too!! 2. I am able to buy something new if I hit a fitness goal ( to be decided) 3.   Don’t just buy it for aesthetics 4.   Sell some shit and DIY

Thank u, Next!

Although it's slightly contradictory to saving, I do want to get out more this year and see more, do more, be more social. Experience more of Sydney. It doesn’t have to be expensive but definitely want to continue going for hikes, seeing what Sydney has to offer and meeting good souls.

My biggest goal for 2019 (one which makes me nervous and excited). To quit my job and move to Amsterdam for a year. It's a big one. It will be bittersweet to leave the comfort of Goodman Fielder were I have worked for 8 years, to pack my bags and leave. Hence the saving goals are in dire need. I am only young once and I feel this is a prime opportunity I'm single, I am turning 29… I have nothing to lose. Why Amsterdam? Well, I have a best mate there which makes settling a bit easier, its a great location and I can travel around Europe. I went to Amsterdam around 4 years back and absolutely loved it and the vibe and could see myself living there. The goals are too:

1.Buy a one-way ticket to Amsterdam for September 2.Learn basic Dutch

Moving into my more emotional and ‘icicle’ related goals. I am such a self-reflector and so more self-aware than I have ever been and I want to make sure that I'm not just thinking of my self but others too. I really want to pick up a volunteer role as I have been trying to find one which suits who I am and what I believe in. I will continue to keep my eyes peeled. My top 5 emotional goals to work on :

1.Be more decisive - Don’t be scared to make a decision to please someone else. Just go with your gut. No answer is the wrong answer 2.Don't get caught up on males - validation that I don’t need. I am enough. Stop wondering if I'm good enough for other people and start wondering if they’re good enough for me 3.Making enough time for the VIP in my life 4.Continuously praise and validate my self-worth - Be kind, gentle and caring. Making my own happiness. 5.Continue blogging to express me, my thoughts, my freedom, my being.

2019!!! Let's get cracking!

[thesmallcast]

Triple BEN -efit

Its been a whirlwind couple of months and quiet on the blog front. There has been so much happening in the past couple of months. I have had a change of management at work (which has been a struggle for me to deal with). I have gone back to see my therapist. I have been continually working on self-awareness and reflection, Coffee boy messaged me again - only for me cull him completely. Now it's 2019 - I want to work on ME

Christmas and New Years was spent in Sydney - My first Sydney here all on my lonesome. I decided it was time to work on ending the drought and getting some male company back in my life and potentially having some sex. I downloaded Tinder and started chatting to a guy called Benjamin - it was straight away a ‘sex hang’ appointment ( when a guy asks you over - he is asking you over for a good time, not a long time). I was super nervous and didn’t know whether to go through with it… and I didn't. He was drunk and out, he kept messaging repeatedly asking when I'm coming, If I’m coming, he didn’t want to ruin his night out and for me to not turn up. I wanted to be comfortable, I wanted to be able to ease into this, I was nervous. I got so upset with myself but realised that it wasn’t the moment or the time. I just felt in that moment that it was alcohol that I needed.. but I knew it wasn’t the answer. The next day he apologised, he was just “shit-faced”. It's not all on him I just needed to feel comfortable. Fair Dinkum. It's Tinder.

I am back on Tinder - I see a guy I went to high school with called Ben, I write him a “Fancy seeing you here” message.  Ben from high school immediately asked me over for a bang… I contemplated this but I was ready. On my way there, Ben told me he was geared up after a day of being “on it” ( aka he had taken a lot of drugs ) I wasn’t too concerned, it was okay because I was super nervous and thought I would have difficulties… which I did.. but so did he. He struggled to keep it hard and I struggled to get wet. The awkwardness of it all made it the perfect uncomfortable setting to lose the drought. No expectations, no commitment. He also had a ‘pencil dick’ to best describe it which didn’t do it for me at all. The most unperfect moment made it the most perfect. I also don’t want to call someone out for being too big, too small, too wide - each penis has its own individual qualities and there isn’t anything wrong with it. Just like there isn’t the perfect body its the same for the genitals. It's not my ideal penis but was ideal at that moment as I definitely didn’t want to take anything big for my first time.

I just felt the opportunity to lose it with “Mr Right” was not the right case for me. I struggled this year to find someone organically and although I didn’t put myself out there I was nervous. Dating is one thing, sex is another. I feel my insecurities all extend around the need to be validated,   that I am not enough - which 2019 is my year to focus and work on this.

Which leads me to Ben #2 (I need some better nicknames) I went on an actual date the night after Highschool Ben but it didn’t go to plan. The guy seemed quite obnoxious and not really my type at all. What is my type? Well, I want someone funny, has charisma ( not too much of it), has a hobby or at least enjoys outdoor adventures, someone who will watch horror with me ( even if they might not particularly like it), someone who supports me and my opinions and views. Just to name a few. I know I can get easily wrapped up in the moment and need to do a mental check off list in my head. Ben #2, he lives locally and I invited him around to mine after I had finished my date for fruit and hangs - not necessarily for the intent of having sex just wanted to hang out with someone. Ben was super cool - almost a free agent hippie, goes with the flow, enjoys being healthy, fit and exercise, works as a chef, is a scorpion ( randomly had to ask ). We have a good conversation. After some snuggles, we fool around a bit - I get caught up in the moment and he wants to know if I want sex - I'm incredibly nervous and he can sense it .. I don’t know whether I do or don't. I'm pondering in the moment, he’s standing up, his dick hard. He’s not pressuring me. He doesn’t want me to do anything I don’t want to do. I just think fuck it. Ben wraps his dick and slowly edges it in - I have sex for the second time and it hurts and I don’t cum .. again… How strange is it - all I can think is how proud I am to have got intimate when back when I was younger I was ashamed by how much sex I had. Owning it and embracing it !!

Which leads me back to Benjamin… First contact Tinder boy - The one who could have been the first. He had asked me around on the 1st of the 1st for dinner and movies … I obliged. More to get out of my house as I’d been home all day, why not!?. I get to Benjamin's house - he’s only in his shorts and he is fit. We eat some pizza and talk, we start watching The Nun ( Horror movie - Tick). We are fooling around and I suck him off, I let him go down on me ( I never usually am so open to this). We don’t talk much personal other than I know what he does for work. The reminder in my head. It's tinder. He invited you to his house. He’s in it for sex.  As we were in the bedroom, I reminded him of safe sex ( he had no condoms ) he said “ I'm clean”, standard male response… it's not all about you. I came clean and told him I had sex the night after we had spoken ( I'm unsure if this was a smart move to be so bold and open. I was questioning it the next day, but then its also who I am) I had a mind-blowing time with Benjamin - because we had sex and it was good. I stayed the night and we did it some more. I was not nervous. I felt comfortable and ready for it. I was so sore the next day though I had to ice pack my vagina. His cuddles and affection towards me were an absolute killer. All he wanted to do was touch me, spoon me and I didn’t want it to end and I realised I wanted that. I think I instantly got hung up on this one but knowing we didn’t talk anything personal about ourselves other than our sexual past and whether we had a threesome… I know it's going to be nothing more than a booty call. I'm okay with it. I want to do it again. Although, I absolutely suck at these social experiments!

I keep thinking what if I had turned up to Benjamins the first night before the two Bens and showed how nervous I was rather than this confident brazen chick would that of changed how things might play out for us... But then I could never say I banged three Bens in one week. I ended my drought with a Triple “B” and I'm okay with that.

I have been asked over for movies and dinner tonight in Bondi by another guy, disappointingly his name is not Ben and as tempting as it all is. I don’t think I can do it because I know the game. I'm so not keen on sex and I don’t have to have it but I feel this obligation. It's not what I want, I am pretty content with how things have played out so far.  I would love to settle with someone, I don’t find it easy, it's hard to just find people who want to date and meet the one, I want to meet someone that just wants to be my friend, no judgement, snuggles, adventures. I know I rush things.  I want to work on playing the cool card. I also don’t believe Tinder is the app to find true love. I still believe that you can meet someone organically but you have to put yourself out there. I am planning big things this year and I don’t want to be tied down by males, over thinking and the need to be validated. Not my vibe. I am my own human. I had sex…I started 2019 with a bang. Watch this space!

So in four days, I’m back to work so I have deleted Tinder as I get my New Years goals, routine and fitness back in check... Safe to say my vagina does not need any further play! It's well done. From having no sex for almost a year and a half … she is suffering. I definitely think I could reach out to Ben #2 and Benjamin for a booty call if I desire. I think that Benjamin definitely gets first picking ( I already am a little hung up… oops)