tinxxxenminxxx-blog

[tinxxxenminxxx-blog]

Nov 5th 2017

1. What a difference 6 months makes....I went to Europe which was magical...I miss it everyday. More specifically London and Paris. Its odd how I felt like Paris was made for me to live in. I'm starting to learn French finally. I've wanted to learn forever and now I finally have the extra push. I'm hoping Cecil will wanna relocate to Europe eventually provided we stay together...which leads to the next point.

2. If you told me 4.5 months ago I'd be falling in love with a 5''6 jamaican boy who hasn't spent a day in college I'd say you're whacked. He's everything I wasn't looking for and yet everything I needed. I'm learning so much about myself and what it means to truly love (agape) another human being. 6 months ago I was convinced that soulmates were a farse created by a cruel cruel bastard who enjoys seeing lonely person in constant anguish. Now although it may be to early... I can see us together for the long term. I've never felt so open and vunerable and raw with someone romantically. Sometimes I wish I could lengthen our days together or freeze time so they'll never end. I hope this love stays pure and true, but mostly...real. I love you Cecil, more than my words and actions allow you see.

3. Having a student is becoming less stressful, but I just be everything I never got from my CIs. Its like having a child. Constantly worrying about her learning and growning.

4. I will be abiding by more strigent money and dietary restricition this week. I need to prove to myself I can be financially wise. I just hope that I learn to more positively influence Cecil to be more responsible. I can't end up like mom and dad. I refuse to carry the stress and responsibilites in a relationship. It'll will take serious, slow and tactful work however I see potential.

5, More to say, but I tired. Until next time.

[tinxxxenminxxx-blog]

[tinxxxenminxxx-blog]

Sink. (Song in progress)

Sometimes I sink so deep deep deep That I just dont how to escape it. Try hard to get free free free But I just can’t seem too erase it.

Falling hard, falling fast. The depths of it all feels unending.

The pessimist thoughts all consume me. Choking out the light left with in me

When you’re 6 ft under: screaming feels useless hoping feels useless praying feels useless breathing feels useless

And somehow... darkness becomes light. Peace becomes still. Death becomes life. Mountains become hills.

[tinxxxenminxxx-blog]

May 14th 2017.

1. I'm so behind on planning my euro trip!!!!! Hopefully I can get the ball rolling by Thursday....I should probably make a to do list.... 2. That man has some. fucking. nerve. Its funny that parents have an eye for their children's shortcomings, while being blind to the demons that continually bind them.....Maybe my lifestyle is stressful to my mother because her mind can't understand that people are different. But that is not my fault nor does he get to negate the fact that he is the biggest stressor in her life. 3. I feel as tho Im the only 25 yr old who hasn't been in a serious relationship...It obviously can't be true however thats how I feel. I can't help but wonder what I'm doing wrong. I refuse to become more masculine or change how I dress just to please some nigga. But maybe internally i'm just not ready yet. My heart feels open to letting someone in though. I know I can be selfish, but I know I'm willing to sacrifice for someone who will do the same for me. I know sometimes you have to wait a life time for "Your person." BUTI DONT WANNA WAIT FOREVER. I wanna have a best friend and lover, someone I can truly trust that is willing to take the time to understand me for who I am. Maybe I have to be more vocal and upfront....no I probably just need to invest in ass shots. I hope one day being myself wont turn out to be my greatest regret. 4. I guess I have to talk to Troy about the birthday situation..one day I'll stop being passive aggressive...maybe. I realize more and more how hard it can be to be friends with a new American. The difference in culture and thought is significantly different..however deceny should be ingrained. 5. Curtis... its not going to work out.. this I know. But his company is nice... usually. -pros: He is actually funny. He likes having me around as far as I know. He appears to be trustworthy. I wont have to fight bitches to keep him. He's actively seeking to be a better man. He really loves God and the church....ALOT. -cons: we live two different lifestyles (Professional hippie wannabe vs. Church boy.) I don't feel like he is interested in my thoughts and what I have to say...our conversations can be one sided...It doesn't flow like it should...even Chris (insert eye roll) is more culturally versed and communative than he is ...which is astounding to even think about. His DL church life style will be the death of me. If we cant assimilate our lives at some point...then what are we doing. I wanna see him go the extra miles...the passion is waning due to this major factor. Any boy or girl wants to feel more just being desired sexually especially out of convience. I need to feel needed. ...the fact of the matter is I should return to the feelings I had when I first met him... fuck around with him until you're over it. But once you've been dealing anyone for an extended period of time...even if its just fucking you can't help but form an unchangeable attachment. 6. I'm yearning for a truly introspective, spiritually filling experience. No not frigging church...{still open to it tho}. I wanna see "God" through my life, through nature through events in my life. I wanna feel like each isn't a run of the mill workday. Even on the most uneventful days I wanna approach it with clear thoughtful mind. I wanna continue to grow in wisdom and spirituality. SN: maybe I miss God more than I thought...or I want a replace...religion was a such a big part of my existence for so long and its offputting to feel so seperated from it. But rather viewing life from a religious strictly SDA stand point I wanna know God and the university outside of the confines that I was raised in. There is so much more to know, to experience and to give unto others. 7, Financially planning is hard. Financially planning is hard. Financially planning is mutha fucking hard. 8. I would like to gain more local friends. (2 or 3) Fun & crazy but professional and goal oriented. Random and open. Compassionate, thoughtful and elevating (especially in the spiritual sense.)