today-it-is-this
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today it is this — how grateful am i to have family, friends, and a home so loving and beautiful that it breaks my heart every time i have to leave.
having to re-orient myself back to the routine. going to miss the hearty and nourishing daily brunches. watching svu with my mom and my aunt who surprisingly got into it. my dad massaging my back pain. waiting for my parents to come home from work. peanut's noisy shenanigans and little pickles baby. the meals. the extremely good meals that i'll struggle to find and equivalent for there. old and new things i'll miss but cherish all the same.
growing pains growing pains growing pains. wish i could stay here for longer. and i'm sure they do too. i'm so tired of feeling all these emotions whenever i have to go but i'm so thankful to be able to have those emotions. you would think leaving would get easier but i am so painfully soft that i don't think it ever will. gosh.
i love being alone but i guess it just feels lonely sometimes, especially after being surrounded by so much love and warmth these past three weeks. it's different. maybe also bc we're heading into senior year soon. it all moves so fast doesn't it :')
28/05/2024
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today it is this — this excerpt from edvin and omar's interview for the daily beast that tore me apart:
"That final look into the camera is him speaking directly to the audience saying: “Trust me, I’m going to be fine. You can go.”
ohhh the show demolished me.
19/03/2024
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today, it is this —
what a beautiful thing to say to someone else. it really warmed my heart.
27/02/2024
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today, it is this – it is raining so heavily in LA and yesterday i was cooped up in the apartment, just doing work. my roommate left and came back later in the day, and i just really enjoyed being in her presence as we did our own thing. yes i was dying because of my period cramps but it felt very cozy inside <3
05/02/24
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today, it is this — i rewatched all of us strangers for the third time, this time with a friend i haven't hung out with outside of work, one on one. and we had such a lovely, lovely time.
after the scene in which adam came out to his mom, he whispered "i am not okay!" to me, and i giggled, feeling the same way. and then halfway through the film, he linked his arm around mine and rested his face on my shoulder. afterwards he thanked me and said that he needed something to hold on to. how can you not, with the sheer weight of what's happening on screen? i could feel his grip tightening and loosening depending on the emotional beat.
i started tearing up from the beginning, when adam visits his parents for the first time, and never really stopped. so many lines are seared into my mind — "i do love you very much, somehow even more now that i know you" and "it hasn't nearly been long enough; it never could be, could it?" and "stay. a bit longer" and "i like to think i'd have got better at it with time. given time" and "we didn't make up. it was enough to know that we got to come home together, back here" and so many more.
i love love love watching this film with people who leave feeling equally moved and devastated by it. we were both emotional about it, and discussed our thoughts and opened up about more personal stuff over warm bowls of ramen. it was so fulfilling and nourishing for my soul <3
18/01/2024
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today, it is this — how grateful i am to be able to sleep squished in between my parents in a big squishy bed in bali on the last night of our trip. i felt very held and very loved. i don't remember what we talked and laughed about before we slept but i just know it was a good time
03/01/2024
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today, it is this — i need to write and rant about it before i forget!! i'd only known this person for like three days but we hit it off SO WELL and just have the same vibes. we've been told by other people that we should meet for the longest time and we only met like two weeks ago. we've seen each other several times since then. it's literally just like that rosa diaz clip with her puppy that's like "i've only had him for 24 hours but if anything happened to him i'll kill everyone in this room and then myself". i adore them oh so dearly
we spent thanksgiving together at a mutual friend's house and that was so lovely. sidebar— i am so incredibly thankful for that entire friendsgiving. the meals were hearty, the conversations over the table were hilarious and genuine, overall the vibes were so heartwarming. to have community here is such a blessing, and one i'll never take for granted.
anyway back to the story. we played charades after a post-dinner walk and it was during this moment that i realized how much of a physical touch person they are (just like me!!!!) we were part of the same team and we were bloody attached. like i was so surprised by how cuddly we (and they) were. we were definitely feeding into each other, kind of understanding that the other was comfortable with this kind of touch. they'd snuggle into me and rest their head on my shoulder. i'd snuggle into their hair. they stepped over from the back of the couch, settle into their seat, and rest their head on my shoulder almost instinctively. they would hold my hand and play with my ring, and caress my hand and gently. several times, i must add. they would laugh into me and i'd wrap my arm around their head, tug them under my chin. i'd rest my hand on their knee and trace patterns. towards the end of the game i fully leaned into them and they wrapped their arm over me. it is the sweetest thing ever.
what's even more surprising to me is how right it all feels, and without any romantic undertones at all. i don't remember much of the details exactly because of how normal/casual it all felt. so many of my past interactions similar to this had my heart thumping really quickly and i'd be flushed, but this was so normal. i even TRIED to envision it as a romantic situation and i just couldn't (again, aligning with my recent aro/ace realizations). it just took me aback a little even while it was all happening. i love how physically intimate we could be without the romance aspect of it at all. it's the exact kind of physical intimacy that i've yearned for.
23/11/2023
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today, it is this – this is really random but idk who to yell about it to so... ana airlines' slate of films is actually crazy good omg they have koreeda's monster ALREADY?? i'm gonna bawl on that flight home. they also have you hurt my feelings, shortcomings, riceboy sleeps, daguerrotypes, both spiderverse films, i'm your man, pride and prejudice, flora and son, ratatouille, etc... THIS FLIGHT BACK HOME IS GONNA BE SOOO BEARABLE like i'm gonna be an insufferable nerd. i'm even more excited to get on that flight now
15/11/2023
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today, it is this — thinking about all the food i haven't tried yet here in LA and all the recipes i want to cook at home has legitimately brought the most excitement and joy to my life recently. i love food so much and i just want to eat all of these new and different things <3
19/10/2023
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today, it is this — ty took a video while we were working/filming in the auditorium. mak rested his head on my shoulder while pulling focus and it was in the video. i thought it was the most wholesome thing ever bc he just looked so comfortable there. i hadn't seen him all summer and this was probably the fourth time seeing him this semester, so the fact that he's comfortable enough to be a little more close/intimate is really sweet. the whole video captured the crew working and i thought it was allll adorable. i think it's the sort of casual intimacy that i've always craved.
i also remember that while i was busy framing up my triomates and the boys were busy discussing what they were called bc they've been referred to as my boys just between us and then a's angels came up during the convo UGHHH i love this crew so muchhhhh
14/10/2023
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today, it is this — all of us strangers (2023) dir. andrew haigh absolutely decimated me. this film and koreeda's monster might be my top two favorites of this year. here are some excerpts from some reviews that made me tear up all over again even though it's been days since the screening:
tiffany's review:
"'All of Us Strangers' argues that beyond all this inevitable sadness is a force to be reckoned with: hope. The hope that we’ll get the closure we’ve needed. The hope that we’re not all alone. The hope that even after everything, we are still ultimately loved and cared for."
"I am queer and the journey ahead is going to be painful. I don’t know what my parents will say to me. I don’t even know if they’ll want to talk to me, but I hope eventually they’ll learn to love me more once they know me."
coffee's review:
"Everything you never said, everything you wish you could, every trip you could’ve had, every revelation you could’ve shared, every time you went to bed and wondered what it would’ve been like if they were still here. You’d have so much to say, and there would never be enough time to say it all."
pat's deeply personal entry:
"After the screening, someone hugs me. I never appreciate this enough, physical touch, I mean. I am reminded of not just my mom but all the other friends I have made. Ash. Aryaman. Ms. Pope. They too, I come to realize, are my chosen family. I am filled with a profound sense of hope, a newfound light. Looking around, I am radiant."
"I am a closeted gay man, and I will lose my parents next year when I come out to them. But as the poet Chen Chen writes, "sometimes parents and children become the most common strangers. Eventually, a street appears where they can meet again." I am grateful for this film's hope. I am grateful to my friends who give me light."
06/10/2023
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today, it is this – i cannot put into words how much i love and how grateful i am for the camera and lighting crew from today. they're some of my really good friends and to have them all together with me and help me be a good cinematographer on set was so unbelievably sweet and kind. both times i hugged mak in the morning and when we wrapped he hugged me tightly and earnestly and lifted me too which was adorable and made my heart very warm. the one moment that was so cute was when i was talking to the 1ad and the director about the order of the shots and the three of them were just watching me and having their little proud moment. i love them to pieces
08/10/2023
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today, it is this – just wanted to remember this sweet interaction in the uber drive back home after grocery shopping with my friend. we had the most wonderful conversation with our uber driver. we talked about what we wanted to do, and our plans post-college, and i said that i'm super open to whatever comes next and that i'd go with the flow, and he said that that was good. what hit me the most is that he reminded us to pursue our passions and let them guide us in life. love love love he was so kind <3
15/09/2023
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today, it is this — flew back to los angeles today. bittersweet as always, it's never easy to say goodbye to family. but one thing that warmed my heart was when i went through immigration and the border patrol agent asked me about school, what i'm studying, the strikes. then, he handed back my documents to me and said "welcome home." girl that was so close to setting me off u have no idea
18/08/2023
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today, it is this — i haven't left home yet and i already miss my parents. it scares me how much i've been crying, almost every night for week leading up to the day i leave. it really never gets any easier and it pains me every time. how will i ever get myself together
16/08/2023
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today, it is this — i just stumbled upon this film again after scrolling through my likes, and it truly baffles me how insanely creative people are. regardless of the trends that people participate in, there is so much of you and yourself that comes through in every single thing you make. a little piece of your life in every part of your work.
every single day i get to find something new that inspires me, and it just drives me to grow. it used to scare me because i'd compare myself a lot, and even now i sometimes still do, but just thinking of the beauty of it all makes me forget about being insecure. there is so much to see, to learn, and there is still so much room to grow as a creative. what a blessing it is to be surrounded by so much of it.
human creativity is fucking amazing, truly. what a beauty to behold.
11/08/2023
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today, it is this — i had a work shift from 11-3 am and my parents knew so when my dad drove me to my internship today he told me to take a nap. and then i said i would, and as i started curling up he asked me "what about your duolingo?" and that warmed my heart because he remembers that i have an ongoing streak and have been doing lessons on the way to my internship 😭 his curious concern was so sweet
14/07/2023
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