tomyoctober - Tumblr blog

tomyoctober · 24 days

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I created this blog in dedication to Jhanuard Roncal, my first love. Because I'm kind of sick. To sit with myself in silence with thoughts of him, that I can't really direct to him, because he is not in love with me anymore. As I stayed the same and probably worse. I have loved him longer than he loved me, that's why I cry.

I am going to introduce him like I would to anyone if I had an opportunity to talk about him anytime,

His full legal name is Jhanuard Osio Roncal, some people call him just Ward. These people are usually very close like his family, and friends, especially from the past. I like to think I'm one of these people. He was born on June 21, 2005 but I always thought it was somewhere in October. I never pay attention to birthdays much as whatever detail any person may share with me, my first love wasn't an exception, and I wish I changed. I can't remember his hometown, nor am I sure how many they are in their family. Only that he's the only "boy" and his sister Josel would be the only member I personally know. I also can't remember their dog's full name. It was something like Lelele? She's gone now, and Josel would post about her from time to time. I know she was a great dog, and that she made them happy. I'm very grateful. I wish I could've met her at least once.

Anyway, Jhanuard and I met when we were in 8th grade. It was June 6, 2019 when we first gazed upon each other. The first day of school. To be honest, I was embarrassed to admit to my friend that I even shipped them a little together at the start, but since I saw him that day I developed a not so big crush. I thought he looked cool, a bit mysterious, and he behaved gently unlike the other boys. I can't remember who added who first on Facebook after class, but I think I messaged him first. The school year passed and we slowly grew on each other. At that time, I was rebellious to my parents who never taught me love so I was messy. I liked Jhanuard but I was always looking around for some more love and I would end up neglecting him. I somehow felt that he liked me too. He was always sticking around I thought it wouldn't matter what I do, he won't leave me. I want to cry aggressively in front of my younger self and beg to care for Jhanuard more. I treated him so badly. I was also bullied by almost the whole class by the end of the school year. I barely felt I had any friends left except for this girl called Jessa and another nerd Kim. We were like a little circle with Jhanuard. Years later I found out Jhanuard was clueless on the bullying, and it makes me question a lot of things. But, it really doesn't matter. I won't care whether the friendship we had over the years was fake or coincidental, because at the end of the day my own feelings for him are real. It's the only thing I'm ever sure of, so I decided to hold onto it from now on.

After grade 8, the COVID-19 pandemic broke and the world was put on lockdown. At that time, I was meeting an older guy, who was five years older and I just turned 14. It took me a while to acknowledge this fact but that guy raped me. Over and over again for several nights. I wasn't sure. Because I never resisted or anything. I took all of him in like an obedient little doll. After a few weeks, he left me and I've never felt so heartbroken. It was the peak of rock bottom. As if I have given him my soul, I felt so empty. There's this ringtone that used to wake me up at sunrise during those times, whenever I hear it my body reacts negatively and I feel my heart pounding like I'm about to die. I don't want to hear it. Jhanuard was trying to be closer to me the whole lockdown through texts but I gave him the shortest replies and the least interest. I didn't have time to think about him. And I wonder if I just pushed through a little more, would I have been saved? If I just looked at him from the first day and never looked away, would I have been happier? It breaks my heart that yes, I would have been. He would have been my salvation. I always looked out the window and tear up a little because I was missing something and it hurt me a lot. I was always mumbling "To whoever you are," but now that I'm writing all this it might have been him. My future and my past.

Grade 10, face-to-face classes were being held on intervals throughout the week and we could see each other again. It took me back to the days when I felt safe, and my feelings were rekindled. I missed him, I love him, I'm so sorry. I asked to hug him and he opened his arms very wide I almost cried, but I held it in.

New year's eve of 2022, he confessed his feelings towards me. It made me angry because I recently came out as nonbinary that time, and I thought he was straight and he was in love only with who I was years ago. I couldn't comprehend his actions, because how could Jhanuard do something like that? I know he's more thoughtful than what was going on. And so when he grabbed my hand, I aggressively let go of his warm, big hands, out of anger and a mix of disgust from I believe trauma from the sexual assault I have gone through. I didn't like being touched and he was the first person to hold me in two years. It made me angrier. And sorry. Just sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you, Jhanuard. I really love you.

I said mean things to him and I even lied about being a lesbian just so he'd give up. I'm so dumb. I hurt myself but that doesn't even matter because above all things, I hurt Jhanuard. I still mourn the love we shared all throughout the years and I'm just so sorry. I'm happy I got to be his first love. I'm happy he was my first love. I still love him.

I think I'll love him forever. I've never felt any interest towards anyone ever since us, until recently when I met this guy who.. looks a little like him. Let's call him Fin. Fin has Jhanuard's lashes, eyes, and nape. I felt terrible knowing I only felt something because he reminded me of Jhanuard. It made me realise even more that, I won't forget about Jhanuard. That I'll look for him in everything old and new. I'll constantly look for fragments of him in everything. And if I ever come to get into a relationship with someone in the future, it scares me that if he showed up again, I would drop everything and come back. I'll try not to do that. Whenever someone wants to be with me, I promise I'll tell them about Jhanuard. "I love you too. But I'm in love with someone else who I'll love more than anyone and anything. So if you're fine with that, we can go out. " And I'll never be in a relationship in my life, I swear. Unless I come across a lunatic.

I heard Jhanuard's been talking with Jelai. A girl who had a crush on me before and now has a crush on Jhanuard... Kind of weird but whatever. Things seem to be going well for them and Jelai is a good girl. I can rest easy if Jhanuard fell for her. I have been rambling about Fin around Jhanuard thinking moving on will be easier for him if he saw me showing interest towards someone else too. I hope he falls in love again. He must be loved. He must love. He must be happy. It's all I ever wish now. Sometimes I feel selfish emotions and would get jealous, but I snap back and I know it's over for us. So just fall in love with someone else. I promise I'll be happy too.

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