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I was sitting in my car jamming out to some upbeat music, thinking about homecoming this weekend when I started thinking about prom this year and next year. I imagined asking C to prom with an almost literal "promposal." Straight up wearing fancy clothes, going up to him on one knee and opening a little box with a corsage in it to ask him to prom. Thinking about it at first was nice and made me kinda happy, but once it came back to me that he has a girlfriend he might/probably will be staying with this prom and the next, I just got super sad.

By that point my upbeat music was still playing, but I was just kind of upset and trying to sadly jam out.

I'm in too deep and I know it but I don't know how to stop.

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*screams*

I'm super conflicted I like a boy, a really good boy, but I'm not allowed to like the boy bc he has a girlfriend, and I also really really like having him as just a friend and him having a girlfriend almost makes it easier to just be friends w him.

I'm just super conflicted and I know I can't and shouldn't rly do anything abt it but I kinda wanna scream.

I'm not even totally sure if it's that I rly like him or just the idea of him. If it's just the idea of him I'll get bored real quick and ruin the friendship or whatever it is.

Ugh

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Japan

Im low key kinda dyin Dinner was kind of a mess and having the other teacher see M in my room has me very worried about what sensei thinks about me. I asked M to tell her I'm trans, so hopefully it will be more okay since the only reason they were there was they needed someone to talk to about what they were worried about. My stomach also kinda hurts and I think it's from not eating enough with the unfortunate fish situation at dinner. I am also very achy and very tired of it being so muggy and humid. Earlier I thought I shouldn't have gone on this trip, but I need to try to hype it up as much as possible when talking to my family since it was just so fucking expensive. I'm sure that by the middle or end I'll be cool with being here, but the first two actual days in Japan were rough.

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Me: *temporarily chills* 💪 i am improving

Me ten seconds later: ah i was Mistaken

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I'm mentally screaming and kind of mentally crying like a lot. I've been such a homebody for the past year that I'm getting massive spurts of anxiety about going to Japan for a week. I'm worried about what I'll be able to have to eat with my allergy and I'm worried about accidentally fucking up with cultural norms and especially with the fact that I have zero confidence in my ability to speak, much less in my ability to speak Japanese. I'm worried about being late to anything or accidentally sleeping through my alarms. I'm super fucking anxious about the onsen (hot spring) thing because I want to but you literally have to be butt naked around a bunch of people and I'm trans and I'm out to literally one person on this entire trip. I get super fucking anxious just being in fucking shorts!! Not even close to being naked!! With the 2 people I had sex with, I was STILL super fucking anxious about my body the entire time. For a little while i think I got more comfortable with being naked just in general, but in the past year I've completely reverted back to my "oh my god don't look at me ever" self. I think this is the closest I've come to crying in the past 6 months at least I'm probably pretty prepared for the trip but I keep worrying that there is more for me to go over, more for me to quadruple check, more that I'm forgetting. I'm also kind of worried about myself just in general. I haven't really been taking my meds and i wonder if that's contributing to this or not. I'm also kind of worried about my eating because, during school, I was pretty consistent with my eating and even though it wasn't a bunch or super good for me, it was enough. But now I haven't been eating nearly as much because!! theres!! nothing!! to!! eat!! in!! this!! fucking!! house!! and nNOTHING sounds good to me anymore. I never intended to lose weight at all, even if I didn't like my pudge so much. But since the beginning of 8th grade, I've gone from 135lbs to about 117-118lbs today. The first 10 were actually pretty good to lose, I liked the way I looked a lot more and I didn't look so chubby. But I don't really know what happened to the last 7-8lbs. I kind of want to cry about that too but I don't really know why. Like am I seriously gonna cry about the fact that I lost weight from not being able to eat foods I like? The answer is yes because for the first time in months I have shed actual tears that ran down my face. I was so happy and ready to do stuff earlier??? What the fuck happened to that What the fuck happened to me

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to a friend

we never rly talked a lot or hung out a lot, but we pretty much stopped talking n hangin out all together. last night I vaguely remember you being in my dream with a couple other people I haven't talked to in a while, and I found some old photos of us on my computer today and now my chest feels weird? I don't rly know why we stopped talking n hangin out but I wish that we would sometime. I don't wanna guilt trip u into hangin out with me or anything (they don't even follow me on this account), but I don't want to just let our friendship kinda die or whatever ya know?

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Wednesday I had the fucking shittiest day and just felt awful and irritated all day. When I walked into English I probably had a "If you talk to me I'll kill you" look on my face I was sad that JF hadn't messaged me back yet and felt so inadequate still Then, after I got home kinda late and just wanted to get my homework done and go up bed, I walk upstairs and see my bedroom door open. Abby got in and ruined 4 separate areas of my room She ripped up the bag that wig came in, destroyed the empty Valentine's Day bag I had, got behind the shelf under my bed and knocked over ALL of the clean, folded clothes, AND she got into my clay bag that was on the floor and completely destroyed the bag and left a bunch a teeth marks, dirt, and plastic in the now harder clay. I was so done I Just went and took a shower. JF messaged me then and there was a significant boost in my mood, I asked and he told me he was gay and it made me kind of excited Today I feel a bit more normal after than and seeing dr k (after the power went out in knapp after school bc of the huge wind storm) When I was talking about being unable to think of what my "thing" in art will be, she mentioned that when she think of my she thinks of colors bc of all the different colors of my hair and tie dye shirts. Slentz was also helping me the other day with trying new techniques and just starting and seeing where decorating takes me and now I have some ideas with colors and mocha diffusion and a couple other things to do with my cups for ceramics I was also having a tough time with deciding what I wanna do for my design crafts project, but I have a few ideas I can play around with now which is helpful Slentz also told me to not worry about my grades in her classes right now since I'll figure something out, I told her about how I'm worried about my grades in other classes so it's comforting to know that I have several things I wanna do tomorrow so I hope I can get them all done

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Being a perfectionist is toxic and makes me wanna throw up and cry

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I feel so inadequate Both as an artist and as a person I look at all these artists, both younger and older than me, and so many of them are capable of making these beautiful works of art and they really understand what makes art "art." I don't really know how to do that. If you look at any design competition, they tend to pick creativity over technical skill. Creativity is a very hard thing to learn, but you can learn technical skill over time with practice. I have the technical skill, but they creativity to create works of art is not there. I don't know how to even go about developing this. Then when I look at my older siblings or just other people in general, I see qualities that they have that i haven't been able to obtain: charisma, intellect, patience, forgiveness, diplomacy, an insatiable desire to accomplish their goals, kindness, humor, level headedness (to name a few). I don't know how to forgive myself for lacking these things or how to improve myself to the point when someone mentions one of these qualities, they think of me. I come on too strong, I am too blunt, too pessimistic, too stubborn. It just makes me feel sick to my stomach and want to cry, but I haven't been able to cry for a long time. I don't really know what it is. And it's not even like I can ask someone how to do this, these are all so subjective that even if I could find the kindest person or the most humorous person, they wouldn't be able to give me a straight answer on what I should do. Looking at other people makes me so bitter; I'm not sure if I'm more envious or jealous. It infuriates me when I see someone do so much better than me. I cannot seem to comprehend the fact that someone will always be better than me in some way and I punish myself for it I am too analytical, too calculated. I am a perfectionist and I am ruining myself because of it. I am inadequate and I hate myself for it

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When I talked to dr k yesterday I told her about JF and when I showed her a picture of him, she mentioned that her first thought was that he was a trans boy
He has a very soft baby face and when you hear his voice it’s a higher pitch than you’d expect a 17 year old cis boy’s voice to be
That got me thinking 
I’ve never met another trans ceramic artist 
Never
But the point she made made sense, he has very similar features to me before I got on T in 8th grade 
I started looking back at his photos and videos to see if I could tell if he was wearing a binder but I’m still not sure 
I really want to ask him just to see, but for a bit I was struggling with just asking if he was gay 
But then I thought, what If I asked “I’m sorry if this is rude to ask, but are you apart of the LGBTQ+ community? I’m queer and I’ve never met another queer ceramic artist, even with going to an art school in a big city.” 
I know it’s kind of risky to ask, and I don’t want to make him feel like he needs to tell me or come out or anything, but I really want to know because realizing I’ve never met a queer ceramicist makes me feel kind of alone. I only ever tell other trans kids I’m trans, and that’s of my own volition, but it does get kind of lonely sometimes I feel like I’ve slowly been losing trans friends 
In 8th grade I still went to group and was tones with tons of trans people, but once I got to high school I stopped going. Kane, Astor, Zazil, Mac, Sam, Sammy, Nick, Alex, Zoey, Vivi, Kamora, Jeremy, Grey, F (for a while), Kristina, Jasper, Austin, Matt, Chase, Tristen, Ryley, Kid, Elliot, Sal, devin, Opal, and honestly even J at this point (we haven’t hung out in months and never really talk, we just say hi and hug in the hallways). These are all trans people I stopped talking or rarely, if ever, talk to. Some people I completely forgot were in my life at some point. There are probably even more I can't remember at all I feel so disconnected from my identity Maybe I’m just so desperate for another trans friend, one that shares a real passion of mine, that I’m willing to hope that some random boy all the way across the country is trans and willing to be my friend I feel like right now I am spiraling into a mix of too few and too many emotions, more likely just the latter. I just felt a massive mood drop a few hours ago Partially because JF still hasn't answered me on insta even tho he's been posting (although I have to understand that because he has NCECA stuff to do and probably doesn't really have time to talk) And partially because when I looked down at my body, I didn't like what I saw My stomach is too chubby, I have too much ache everywhere (including the one place I actually liked about myself; my back), my stupid farmers tan, my entire body that's covered in hair that I don't want, my chest that I never wanted is still there, my feet that just look awkward and ugly. I'm not really sure what I can do, there's only so much I can change right now

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Today in math I was so tired I had no idea what was going on while taking our quarter 3 assessment I'm so glad it's not for a grade, the tiredness form not sleeping the day before really hit me hard But today I really realized how much I love chemistry and ceramics In chem we learned how to turn pennies silver and gold with sodium hydroxide and zinc (and aluminum foil) and it's so interesting to see that happen and understand the process behind it in ceramics I told our substitute about the basics of ceramics with firings and glazing and stuff like that and he ended up glazing one of my extra cups so it'll be interesting to see how it turns out. He also told me that I'd be a very good ceramic teacher and that's just so inspiring to me 😊! I really want to own my own studio someday and hold classes and teach people how to throw and glaze and stuff like that, so that really boosts my confidence in my capability to do that (does that make sense?) I can add おじちゃん substitute to my running list of people I've taught (throwing, glazing, etc) In the order in which I taught them: -A Spanish foreign exchange student -Girl Scouts (7-10 year olds) -my own classmates (and some ceramics III kids) -the Mom and her two daughters who got a ceramic lesson for the gala -freshman Hannah -おじちゃん substitute And I'll probably add M to the list once we hit spring break I really want to tell JF about all of this, including the fact that this girl Anna and I will be starting the kiln on our own on Friday, but he's busy with NCECA 😔

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I really hope JF and I can become rly good friends, he seems like such a nice, amazing person and I'd love to be able to call him a (moderately ?) close friend of mine I am hopeful

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Sleep? Lmao

This morning, I officially hadn't actually slept In the previous 24 hours, but I got all of my buttons done! I messed up on the sizing and the coloration is off bc the printer we used wasn't great, but I still think they're pretty okay and I can try printing them on my own and seeing how they turn out I can't make more before the quarter ends, but I think that'll be okay Ive been talking to JF more and i always get a lil excited when I get a message from him. I've also changed the way I structure my sentences so that when I'm talking to him, I do what he does. That whole "we mimic people we like so we can be accepted" is so real, although I'm not sure if what I'm doing supports that claim or if I started doing it because I know that claim is true. I got a chance to ask him about crystal glaze firing and putting a crystal piece into reduction after it's already been fired in oxidation, and he said copper based glazes usually have the best results. I told him I'll ask S if we can get some new crystal glazes to test out, and the funny thing is when I told S about it, she told me she was thinking about getting some new crystal glazes to try out and do an entire crystal firing, since the best results are achieved when the temperature is monitored and the entire kiln is full of just crystal items. I'm honestly really excited to try those new glazes eventually, partly because trying new glazes out is always fun and also because I can show JF all the now glazes we got. I also told S about JF and how he's an amazing young artist and going to NCECA and how L said that if she got to meet him there, she'd "put in a good word" for me I was also kind of snooping on JF's friends' Instagram to kinda see if it'd give me any hints as to whether or not he's gay, and I ended up finding a really good friend of his (I presume) is a trans boy! Also just looking at their interactions in the comments makes me think that they're both gay, or at least JF's friend is Now I'm just getting really gay thinking about him He's just so cute and so nice and I really realliv really want to get to know him better and meet him in person Also, since S will be gone, tomorrow thru Friday, we'll be FaceTiming her on Friday while turning on the kiln since she'll be unable to come In And do it. I'm excited about that too bc I told JF I wanted to learn how to learn how to operate a kiln myself I haven't felt so gay in a long time

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Fuck

I'm really happy, really anxious, and really excited I'm worried that I won't finish all my buttons for design crafts in time to have all of them put together, and I'm worried that I'm gonna get a B in Japanese or a super low A that's going to screw me over next quarter, and I'm worried my grade in English is going to go down because I didn't present my poem. But I'm also really excited about all of my ceramic things I'm making and I'm really excited about talking to JF, he's so so cute and so nice and amazing at ceramics. J strengthened my resolve to talk to him, and I'm so glad I did. I asked him if he wanted to do a cup exchange—which is kind of a big deal in the ceramic community, it means a lot to have another artists artwork—and he said yes! Although he did say that he has a lot of commissioned work he needs to do first, so it'll be a while before he'll get the chance to do it. Either way I'm really excited to have his art and give a piece of mine to him. I feel like this will really push me as a ceramic artist because I want to make an absolutely perfect, beautiful cup for him. Plus in general, I want to become as amazing of an ceramic artist as he is, so I'm going to start pushing myself to do larger, more intricate forms and make sure my pieces are perfect throughout the entire process. But something kind of weird: I feel very envious/jealous of OC? I don't know why, but ever since I saw her stuff in Instagram I became kind of bitter and resentful. She was able to get a glaze work the first try when I had to try 4 separate times just to get a piece to turn out the way I want it in one piece. She already has an etsy shop open, she already is capable of making large forms, she got to meet TC at a workshop—he's basically the hero of every young ceramic artist— and she already has the attention of JF (the latter of which I only realized recently). Whenever I look at her stuff, I just think "wow that sucks, I can make something better than that," or "why would you do that? That's so dumb." I'm constantly berating her and hating on her and I'm not sure why I'm so envious of her. I'm not even sure if I'm envious or jealous.

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I'm so tired of doing school work now Math doesn't make sense to me anymore, but I dont really know what I don't understand so I don't know how to ask for help I literally don't care about Japanese or design crafts and I just haven't been doing my work in those classes, and I don't really know how to get myself to do them Japanese work just feels like a waste of time I don't want to do the projects It's no like I'm failing, but I don't have over 100% so it'll make it harder for me to get out of the orals on the finals and still get an A for my semester grade Like I already know I won't be a valedictorian or anything like that, but I still feel like I have to be absolutely perfect and get perfect grades to be able to be able to go to college in Oregon and become an endocrinologist I feel like if I don't understand math or science now or I don't get straight A's, I'll end up being unable to do that and have to drop out of med school or completely change my career path, or become just an artist and disappoint my parents I know I won't /really disappoint my parents by becoming an artist, but I feel like their expectations are so high for me that it would be ridiculous for me not to fulfill what I had said I would do I know in the grand scheme of things all these little things don't really matter, but I feel like I do and don't know how much it will /actually/ affect my grades and my college opportunities And there's no specific answer to "how will this very specific action affect my ability to get into college and pay for college and get a job afterward" I really want it to be summer

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I wanna fucking die I keep breaking stuff that I can't fix so I have to get my parents to fix it I know this time it wasn't actually my fault but I still feel guilty about having to wake them up in the middle of the night during the week to try to fix it.

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Geometry/trigonometry/circles can suck my fucking ass