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25.

That’s what I am now. 25. And boy did I think I had life figured out. This has been my year or deep dark painful rebirth but lord I’m so glad. I grieve my old life sometimes but I was delivered from so much evil. People. Places. Friends. All that pain I endured. Thank you God for carrying me. Thank you God for the strength to stick around and watch it all play out. I beat an abusive relationship, cancer, death, ruin, financial and friend issues. So much. And I’m still here. Standing strong. Beautiful and whole and healing. My daughter turns 4 tomorrow. She’s my new years. The my sun moon and stars. I love her. I’ll have more to say in the following days. But I’m just feeling all the things

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I am the shadow on the moon at night. Filling your dreams to the brim with fright. — THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS 1993 | Dir. Henry Selick

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Shoenberg Temperate House at Missouri Botanical Garden- x x x x x x

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the rain knows all my secrets

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How voodoo became the image of evil

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Monet's Garden, Giverny, France ( via )

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Flowers ... 🎨🤍✨

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“Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realize how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”

— Jim Carrey

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I did it!! I did it!! I did it hooray!!!

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I just wanted to put my prayer I wrote out for New Years here. Because it needs a space on all my platforms. This was so intentional and real for me.

So:

God I’m done acting like you didn’t make me. My stubbornness is getting me nowhere but further away from my purpose. Quite frankly, I’m tired. I want to be the woman you have written in stone for me. I want to be the mother my child deserves. I don’t want to cry or hurt anymore. I don’t wanna hurt myself anymore. I know you know all and are waiting for me to stop. Stop operating without you, stop operating on fumes, out of fear, out of complacency.

I thank you for the life you’ve blessed me with. I thank you for the tools you’ve instilled in me to be the woman I am.

I love my daughter so much. I know that she feels the love I have for her because of you. I pray that I can always be an active example of what a God-led woman should be. I pray my child becomes a better woman and person than me in all aspects in life. I pray that I am always operating in her best interest and never allowing the devil to lead me from my purpose as her mother, caregiver, friend, prayer partner, protector, therapist, and comforter.

God, I know I am going to win. I can feel you moving through me. It makes me cry thinking about all that I can do or know that I can be. I pray I promise to pray for with my feet from now on. You give me my direction and plan and I will walk with my head held high in the direction you have set me in. I promise to do the work. Every bit of it. I want better so bad. I don’t want to be stuck in regret and sadness of what I could’ve been had I just listened to you. No more.

I am done giving my time to things that don’t serve my higher purpose or you through me. I pray you remove them from my life. I am no longer going to hold onto them. I release and rebuke them God. You were right. Whatever it is you remove was no good for me and I was being selfish.

I pray that I heal from all the things I keep pushing down and to the side. I am no longer running from my feelings. I thank you for the discernment God. You have given me such a powerful tool of deciphering everything in my life. I promise not to neglect the answers no matter how much they displease me.

Thank you for loving me despite all my ways and sins. I pray for forgiveness. I pray for protection over my life, my daughters, my families, and those I love and hate. I don’t want any harm to come to anyone. I pray that your will be done.

I ask for love. Agape. Or as close as you can get me. From my partner, my friends, my family, whomever they are. I promise to give 110% in all things that you want me to do. Let your will be done lord. Not my own.

Im scared and frightened by my own prayers because I know you are going to remove things I have found false comfort in. I might not be okay with it and it might hurt but I know it’s for my better.

Im going to stop entertaining bullshit. It’s beneath me. I am going to work and try lord. My hardest. I know I’m not perfect and you know that, but I am and will continue to try.

I love and trust you God. More than anything in this world. Bless me lord. Soothe me lord. Direct me lord. Forgive me and guide me God.

In Jesus name I pray,

Amen.

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I think after all these years I’ve finally made peace with this. Like really made peace with this. I miscarried on my sisters birthday. She just gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby on mine this past year. I think that was a sign that life really comes full circle. This my last piece of trauma I’ve buried that I’m letting go and moving past. I can now speak of him without immediately wanting to shut down. So that’s progress.

W E L L

here I am. Alive. My daughter is almost 1. In twelve days. Today we’ve been remembering miscarriages and babies lost and it’s always bittersweet for me. Losing my first baby changed things for me. Changed the dynamic of my relationship. Changed my thoughts on parenthood. I wish I would’ve never experienced. Never met him. Never knew that type of pain or heartbreak. I could’ve lived forever in ignorance. Pain changes you. Breaks you. Molds you.

I love my daughter. I’m so grateful for her. She helped me move past pain. I never really had much time to dwell in it. I was busy grieving the loss of a relationship and trying to figure out what to do I never had time to think about the baby. My baby. Squid. That’s what I called them. I think they would’ve been a boy. I didn’t even know they were there but with my girl I knew immediately. He would’ve been so fat and happy. I would’ve loved him. But god didn’t want me to have a Gemini I guess. He had more tasks for him I guess. I hope he’s doing well. And happy. Where ever he is.

I never talked about the day I miscarried him. I was at my sisters for her birthday. I cried cause I felt so bad ruining her day. I was cramping and bleeding and just knew. My child’s father wouldn’t come get me. Now I know that he was with another woman. I passed the baby in my sister bathroom with my mother being as insensitive and invasive as she could be. I swore I would never talk about it. I packed all his shit up and was done. Yet dumb and silly me stayed with him. And somehow we wound up with baby 2. I hate him. For a lot of pain. I don’t hold it against him. I actually don’t talk to him at all. I probably never will. Because I should’ve been comforted. But I wasn’t. I still haven’t. He still hasn’t apologized. I hate him. But this isn’t about him today.

To squid. I love you. I don’t know why you aren’t here with me. I blamed myself for so long. I hope you are resting and being loved. I don’t know what I could’ve done differently. Just wasn’t our time. Your sister is wonderful. She’s celebrating her birthday soon. I’ll celebrate yours too baby.

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So,

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I just turned 23 and this just feels so different yet so familiar. The aging physically is new but the mental not so much.

Things changed a lot this past year. And often times it was feeling like for the fucking worst. It still does sometimes. And that’s the honest truth. I was never one for blind optimism or lying to try and convince myself that things aren’t what they are. I accept every step of my journey and call it by its honest name. This has been one of pain and perseverance. Of being too comfortable and focused on the wrong things and having to deal with the consequences of that. I’m claiming strict discipline for myself in my personal life, career, finances, love life, and every other aspect.

I don’t want to ever feel like I’m not progressing. I tend to psych myself out of things or convince myself something is too hard or I’m incapable of doing it when I feel like I’m hustling backwards. My fight or flight kicks in and I flight every time lol. No more of that.

I want this next year to be one where I stuck to my word and did what I needed to do no matter how hard it was or may be. I owe that much to myself and my child. I want my head out of the clouds. I was never one to use a planner. But I want to be a person who has so much organizational discipline . It’ll help me so much in the long run.

This honestly is just rambling and getting my thoughts off. I’m on a flight back home just thinking about life.

Writing and rambling to myself is how I cope with life. I think I want to branch out and teach coping skills. Cause this whole thing is the longest and healthiest coping mechanism I’ve ever had. I’m pretty sure it could help someone.

But back to the topic at hand. Me. Here’s what I want and need. I need peace and stability. I need to be debt free. I need to be doing something bigger and better with my life. I need to be in school. I need a new car and then another one. I need healthy relationships.

As for motherhood, I need a healthy support system. I need a nanny because now I have no one to help. My siblings have families and husbands to tend to. My parents are not concerned. I need to figure it the fuck out. I need to prepare Luna to have healthy communication and coping skills. I need to be more patient and kind. I need to not hit her or spank her because that’s what I grew up with. I need to start opening accounts for her. So that she’s financially secure while I’m alive and after I’m gone. I don’t want her to have to work or stress or ever go without.

Something I haven’t quite figured out is if my resentment justified. I have been so upset and pissed off with the world and life because I feel like people that Ive proven time and time again that I would do the most for. Okay fuck all that. Here’s the truth. It pisses me off that I’ve never needed peoples help for shit. Work, school, parenting, bills. Anything. The minute I have an issue every one acts like a fucking inconvenience. And I’m tired of feeling like that. It makes me feel like people only want me around them because of what I have to offer. Or had or would do.

It’s taken me 23 years to realize that no one around me actually fucking likes me 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂and the people that probably do I push away lol. It’s so funny ya know. To have an epiphany 30,000 feet in the air lol.

I’m done with this boohoo bullshit. I’m gonna get my life together for myself and my child. I’m gonna let any ounce of spite I have left go. And im going to do what the fuck I gotta do and get this shit over with so I can report back at 24 and actually be happy

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I think at this point I’m doing this shit to myself. I’m subjecting myself to fuckery. Like bitch I wrote them poems 1,579 days ago. And a bitch can still relate. I was fine when I was the fuck alone. I think I’m destined to be alone. Cause I swear I give and do so much and all this pain and misery comes from the fact that the ppl I’m around aren’t for me. Like these motherfuckers hate me. Cause nah.

What’s crazy is I’m not a pushover or nice at all. Like people go through GREAT lengths to be my friend or my spouse. I don’t easily trust. And then when I love them and consider them mine they disappoint me. And I honestly think it’s my fault. I’m blind to shit and I let shit slide and I don’t take nothing to heart. Till I do.

Somethings got to fucking give. I need better. I want better. Shits fucking wack.

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Rain bomb (wet microburst) taken over Lake Millstatt in Austria

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Langfoss waterfall, 600 meters of total drop (Akrafjord, Norway)

Source

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The emptiness of the soul.