trollaholical

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Friend: “What month is it tomorrow?”

Me:

#it’s gonna be may #stolen but recreated #is this still a thing?

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Green Text Story no. 105: October Special: “Sooper Spoopy.”

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To people who use "þ" as an aesthetic "p"

þink again.

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nervous

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I have never laughed so hard

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I havent had hot cocoa in YEARS

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this is the most sophisticated phishing e-mail I have ever received and if they had sized the logo correctly and actually proofread the fucking thing I probably would’ve clicked that button

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Casuals

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I HAVE NO WORDS

(ALSO this seems to be the op, on youtube)

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An old and homely grandmother accidentally summons a demon. She mistakes him for her gothic-phase teenage grandson and takes care of him. The demon decides to stay at his new home.

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“Oh hey, you’re back!” Laughs chad. Sitting in the middle of the sofa next to a humanoid demon, gently stirring a sugar cube into his steaming drink.

I pull out my phone and quickly send a text message to both my mother, saying I’ll be home for Christmas, and my unnerved roommate. He leaves his phone on silent so I know I’m safe.

“I’ve heard a lot about you. You’re Jordon, are you not?” Satan (presumably) grumbled in a tone so low it barely registered.

I squeak out a polite enough reply.

“Yeah... O-only good th-things, I hope... ehehe...”

I don’t even pull my phone out of my pocket and yet manage to send Chad another blank text to signify urgency. He pulls out his phone and, after a sarcastic roll of his eyes, starts typing.

“Of course. You’re a main dinner topic when he comes down to see us. A house-hold name of sorts.” Satan replied in the same monotone gargle before booming with laughter so evil sounding it felt more clićhe than a threat.

My phone dings and I force a wry smile at the shadow overlord sitting on my favourite cushion before pulling it out. Both Mother and Chad have replied back. I dismiss Chad’s text message from my lock screen just as the devil started getting curious.

“Who’re you texting? Is it a boyfriend?” He jokes. It seems like he’s trying to make light conversation, but the register of which he’s speaking makes it near impossible.

Chad, on the other hand, is loosing his shit laughing at the comment made by evil incarnate. Apparently he was so comfortable that he found small talk natural.

“A boyfriend? Nah man, she’s gay.” He giggled.

“Ooh, I see your types all around hell. They’re a delightful bunch, don’t know why god keeps sending ‘em down though. Would never hurt a soul and love cooking breakfast. My best friend is bisexual and lived with me back in my fallen angel days.” Lucifer says with a delighted and yet still somehow monotone voice.

I look at my phone.

“I-it’s just Mum...” I say as I tap the lock screen and scan my thumb to unlock.

Satan stands up and walks around behind me, looking over my shoulder playfully.

“Awh. That’s real cute.” He says happily.

I can feel the chills of his icy breath as he sounds his appreciation for my family love.

He walks away after I shudder, probably just thinking he was too close and it made me uncomfortable or something. I check my message from Chad when he couldn’t see my phone.

Dude, I did tell you. But nah, he’s chill. DW.

Classic Chad. Way too trusting.

I was more curious than afraid up to this point. The demon had showed only curtesies and lighthearted playfulness for the entirely of his visit since I’d walked through the door.

But I had to ask. I sent Chad one more message.

How do you two know each other?

Chad looked at his phone whilst Satan was busy drinking his tea and began to laugh audably. The unsettling part was that the laugh itself seemed almost painful. Like how a happy recollection of the past could make someone so very melancholic.

“Hey, remember the first time you and I met?” He casually asked the ruler of hell after pushing back tears.

“Haha, yeah. 6 years ago. You were only 12 then. You summoned me using a crudely drawn pentagram, an orange, and a broken paper clip to braid your sisters hair because you couldn’t figure it out.” He laughed heartily. Well... as heartily as a soulless undead could. Chad flinched ever so slightly as the words ‘your sister.’

Hold on a minute...

I dropped to the floor.

Chad’s sister... who had been found dead in her destroyed bedroom. The same girl that had been choked by her own hair. Her braided hair. Her braided hair that she never wore braided prior...

6 years ago.

I threw up and started to cry. The panic spread over me like wildfire and only worsened when I thought of the fact that I was completely defenceless.

My then best friend’s killer was supernatural and apparently family friends with my now roommate.

Satan and Chad both raced to my side and patted me on the back. The demon ordered Chad to get a bucket and some wet wipes to clean up the spill and contain if anything else came out.

I felt the devils touch envelop me as unwarranted thoughts of darkness and harmful actions took over. All I could think about was death. I threw up again.

A blur I could only assume was Chad came rushing towards me and handed Satan another blur that I also assumed to be cleaning products. He replaced lucifer’s hand on my back and as soon as his warm, living fingers touched me. I felt much more at ease.

The last thing I heard before blacking out was:

“Oh god no. Please don’t let this happen again.” Followed by panicked crying.

I awoke in a hospital bed a couple of seconds later. A large man in a business suit to my left and Chad, sitting next to the stranger, were both staring intently at me. I asked how long I was out and the doctor to my right replied.

“About 5 months.” She said as she was fiddling with some tubes and wires.

I look around, more clearly, and see that I’m covered in bandaids and bandages. I ask again what they were for.

“I think it’s best you ask your friend over there.”

Chad, who was crying and being consoled by the darker skinned, stoic businessman, wiped his tears and explained that I was in intensive care after a failed suicide attempt.

He told me that the two people in the room, himself and his friend, restrained me when I woke up again after the brief first collapse because I was shouting about how I wanted nothing more than to die. He told me that the man in the business suit, Thomas, cradled me in his arms. After my first blackout and I replayed him by punching him in the jaw and running for the extension cord connecting the T.V. to the wall.

“It was thanks to Chad’s advanced tackling techniques he learned on the rugby team that you made it here alive today.” Thomas added.

Before I could process what that all meant. The doctor chimes in again.

“It’s a miracle you’re alive and it’s even more of a miracle that you were saved by the same man that singlehandedly fixed the economy and saved millions of doomed lives.”

When the doctor left, Chad cleared up all the missing details from the story, fighting waves of tears as he did.

“Satan’s touch instilled severe self hatred and loathing into you almost instantly. When God struck lucifer down to hell, he left him with a curse that activates if he were to ever lovingly hold someone. The curse would make that person want nothing more than to die. I‘m not affected because Satan‘s never touched me. When I tackled you, he helped me by calling an ambulance and knocking you unconscious with just enough force to fracture your nose and stop you from resisting.”

Thomas chimed in.

“I‘m sorry for putting you through this. I truly am. I should have known I would only cause trouble and always declined Chad’s invitations because I didn’t want to hurt anyone he was close to.”

“Thomas’s actions saved your life. And that was enough to have god forgive him and give him a second shot at life. In which he used his knowledge from observing the sins of the world to better it for others. He saw the pain of poverty and marginalism, the greed and power of other wealthy business-types and the good they could accomplish. He climbed the ranks of the most wealthy by trading cheap with developing countries, giving them food in exchange for services. Creating stable economies in countless counteries and becoming a symbol of equality and hope to the modern world.”

“It’s nowhere near enough of an apology for what I put you and Chad through. But I promise to do my best in making a world where you two and others can live peacefully.” Thomas said behind watery eyes and a genuine smile.

I started to cry. I couldn’t believe I profiled this person based off of his appearance even though what I saw of his personality contradicted me in every way.

“No... I’m sorry.” Was all I could reply with.

END.

Your roommate has never once invited their friends back to your apartment, explaining multiple times that they’re “literally demons”. You laugh this off and explain that, whatever they are, you’d be happy to invite them round for tea. You arrive home one day to find literal Satan in your living room drinking tea with your roommate. 

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THERE MUST BE A PARAGRAPH BREAK EVERY TIME A NEW CHARACTER SPEAKS

THIS IS NOT OPTIONAL

NO ONE WANTS TO READ ONE BIG BLOCK OF TEXT JESUS CHRIST