upwithdeadpeople

[upwithdeadpeople]

continuing education is horrible!

All I'm getting it reminders of how not smart I am and how I deserve to be overworked and underpaid. My boss tells me as much to my face. She's never hesitated to remind me of my lack of credentials and how they dictate my compensation. She really fucking loves and respects the status quo and works to keep it in place. I mention a cool certificate program and she mentions the shitty little supervisor certification programs that they have at HR. I don't want a fucking head pat from this place, I want to do something that I can use outside of here.

Apparently I'm going to have to write a letter about why my GPA was so shitty in undergrad. it's like .7 below the minimum for this program. I feel like a loser who is trying to be accepted by the cool kids or something. Like I'm scrambling to get accepted into a place that doesn't want me. I don't feel supported by my boss - she just wants me to keep my head down and keep doing the hard work that gets accolades for HER not ME. I'm always doing the actual work that gets rewards for others. Fuck this!

A big part of the reason I always want to die is because I see my lot in life. It's laid out in front of me and everyone just wants me to walk this shitty path. I get so much encouragement to just keep my head down and take what I'm given. Eat my food and like it. Don't you dare ask for more. I feel like I fucked myself over by doing so poorly in undergrad and that my degree really isn't worth shit anymore. I can't even use it to get into grad school. I wasted 7 years of my life and now I can't have the better life that high ed promised me. I fucked myself out of it. So I'd rather die. I'd rather just leave than only have what this world thinks I should have. I want more, I want comfort and joy and luxury, and if the world insists that's not allowed then I say fuck that, fuck you, fuck all of you, I'll fucking kill myself first.

I really don't think I have much time left. No one cares, no one notices. If and when my mom dies, it'll be just a matter of time for me. I may be willing to wait a year just so my siblings don't have so much stuff to take care of, but it IS going to happen. I am not going to let this world grind me down. I will remove myself from it first.

[upwithdeadpeople]

BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA 1992 | dir. Francis Ford Coppola

[upwithdeadpeople]

Sorry you're being sexualized on here. Being a woman on tumblr comes with gross anons

I really appreciate your concern here but I am a 31 yr old man

[upwithdeadpeople]

Nothing is super wrong right now but I still feel unhappy and like dying. I just don’t think I’m going to make it. I don’t think I’m ever gonna be able to own my own home and all signs are pointing to an eventual return to living with my mom. Either when she gets to where she needs help or if she moved over here to be closer to us. I’m not gonna be able to buy a house before then. I’ve got so far to go. I’m really sick of my sister too and don’t wanna spend any time with them. They’re selfish and an asshole. Get out of my life. We have to drive 8 hours next week and I’m dreading it. I just hate that drive with everything in me and I don’t want to do it. I hate going through rural states and of course that’s where they wanna stop the most. So demanding and selfish and punitive. I’m sick of them as a person. Anybody else I would have stopped speaking to years ago.

I’m not going to fall in love. It’s not happening. I have to let it go. I’m not going to buy a house or travel overseas or see a castle or whatever other shit I’ve wanted to do with my life. It’s too late and also I wasn’t meant for that kind of life. I’m poor and Black and southern and a woman and a descendent of enslaved Africans. This is it, this is all I get. This is all the universe has for me.

I’m going to kill myself after mama dies. I’m sick of this fucking shit. Fuck you too, world.

[upwithdeadpeople]

I write personal posts in my main actual tumblr blog and I'm numbering them backward. There are thousands left to go. No one will even notice.

[upwithdeadpeople]

I'm not a very sympathetic person. In the sense that people don't feel soft emotions for me. I don't think that my misfortune or suffering of any kind evokes any kind of sympathy or empathy or desire for justice out of others. I don't think that even blatant sadfishing would get me any reactions from people. I don't think that when a person interacts with me that they think of me as a person too, someone to be respected and protected. I think that emotions stop when they get to me. They hit some kind of wall.

I won tickets to a concert tomorrow and it's TWO tickets and of course I can't think of a single person who would want to come with me. I have friends and I have people in my life who say they like me, but I do not feel liked or wanted. I have put too much distance and time between myself and the world. I don't feel like I'm part of anything anymore. I'm afraid to ask anyone to go with me. They're all just going to say no and I'm sick of being rejected.

I don't see anything in my future. I don't see anything changing and I don't see myself achieving anything. I don't see the homebuying thing working out for me. I already know that I won't have enough money to retire by 65, and I know where my mind takes me.

[upwithdeadpeople]

[upwithdeadpeople]

Every day is so long and nothing changes!

[upwithdeadpeople]

When I get sick, I feel incredibly lonely. When I'm not well and I need help, I'm reminded of the fact that there is no one here to help me.

Just like that tall lady from T*d L*sso, I've spent so long trying to be strong and not-vulnerable that OOPS I made it to middle age all alone.

I found myself thinking something pretty awful today. I found myself thinking about how if my loved ones die then I'll finally feel free to kill myself. I just couldn't do that to my mom. My siblings will be fine, they'll get over it. But not mama.

Honestly I hope I have Covid because I feel terrible and if I'm not sick with something then it makes me concerned that I'm just hurting for no reason. Sweaty for no reason, headache for no reason, unable to sleep for no reason. Got terrible sleep last night.

I so rarely feel joy. I don't wanna believe that I'm just here for hurting.

[upwithdeadpeople]

yay new secret tumblr for venting my depression and suicidal ideation!

I got exposed to covid on Monday and I feel terrible. two negative tests so far but I bet I don't have it and my lot is just to be in pain

headache for no motherfuckin reason probably

[upwithdeadpeople]

Ichi the Killer (2001)

[upwithdeadpeople]

FIRST LOVE 初恋 2019┃Dir. Takashi Miike

[upwithdeadpeople]

Gozu

[upwithdeadpeople]

The Great Yokai War, 2005