waayharsh

[waayharsh]

i guess technically a lot of things have happened. most of it not too exciting. honestly most of it pretty typical and mundane. had john around again for awhile and helped quinn move. i do really enjoy being home even if i do love playing shows. i just like getting down to the basics of just relaxing and walking dogs. that stuff being among what i enjoy the most is probably part of the reason bella kind of dropped out on me so quickly after going out that one night. i don’t mind it. she didn’t really tick off much that interested me either. it’s just these scenarios where people who are legitimate well recognized celebrities with more money than i could even imagine dealing with mix with pretty average people that make it so clear how different the worlds can really be. sure, plenty are down to earth or whatever that really means, but it’s just a weird dynamic. it’s nice to return to my space where i have a good handle of things. 

robbie is like that too. obviously she’s got a pretty steady spot in a more typical world than the one i live in even, but i feel like i relate to her in little ways. it’s good and for the most part i feel pretty relaxed around her. or well, i feel relaxed around her in social aspects, but there’s a bit of a switch in things when it goes to anything beyond purely friendly. i’m getting my head through it though. after i’d made a point of being so outspoken about gus and his bullshit, i knew i had to come clean to her about my bullshit and honestly, she was really understanding about it all. i guess nothing had happened, so there wasn’t exactly much to be upset about, but it’s a weird situation. i don’t think anyone wants to hear some guy they were flirting with is married, even if it’s just legally and pretty much nothing else. it was nice to spill some of it though. i’m sure it’ll come up again later. i kept getting short because as much as she saw it as nice and sweet and a bunch of fairly complimentary things, it still felt really embarrassing. i know i don’t look like a bad guy, but probably a bit stupid or silly. i don’t know. it’s not a story i love to tell about myself. she offered to tell me about linus’s dad and maybe it was stupid to tell her she didn’t have to. i just didn’t want her to feel like she had to reciprocate just because i was laying out something big. it only occurs to me now that in my head i was thinking i’d rather wait for when she wanted to tell me about it and maybe that was the time she wanted to tell me about it. can’t really go back and fix that now though.

thankfully the rest of things are looking pretty good. took a bit of time i guess, but some stuff happened between me and robbie, finally. it was on me and i kind of knew it. she’d told me about the advice parker had given her about putting something out there and letting the other person pick it up and do it. i mean, it’d happened a couple times, but i don’t know. despite her being understanding about the eleanor stuff, it’s just easy to get in my head. and sometimes things just feel way too forward, even if i think it and it’s genuinely in my mind. i don’t want to completely scare off someone i like and enjoy talking to who maybe kind of gets me. i don’t know. i’m sure i’m a bit jerky back and forth and confusing. i wouldn’t be completely shocked if she slowly backed out and away from things with me, at least in that kind of way, at some point in the future. for right now though, kissing her is really nice. she’s really so sweet and soft and beautiful. it’s kind of unbelievable that she’d be interested even on a basic level, but yeah. i know letting myself rest on that and fall back to it too much will only fuck things up for me. sure it’s a compliment to how great she is to be amazed she’d want me, but i know that wears off quickly. no one wants to be held at that distance for too long. 

but i’m not trying to make shit sound bad or like i’m inevitably going to fuck it up. i’m not gonna let my head get or stay there. she’s really great and i’m happy she’s interested in me. it’s a good change and i feel pretty good. 

[waayharsh]

for the most part, things have been fairly typical for me. didn’t get to bring eli out to festival this time around, but it’s understandable. cancun will be much easier for me and him. shorter distance to travel and a bit lower key on the setting. i can’t imagine getting too far or doing too much in monte carlo with my dog. it was for the best i think, but two dogs chilling in rome could’ve been pretty cool. there were enough street dogs to make up for that though. maybe.

strangely i kind of ended up on a date-type thing with bella? it was pretty out of the blue to be honest. we’d spoken pretty briefly once before and then only quickly before she brought up the suggest of getting gelato together. i mean, i was open to it, but i’m not quite so sure i ended up being too charming. i guess i was still a bit caught off guard by it. we talked a bit about the band and where i came from and stuff. i think the only thing we really connected on at all were our dogs. it felt like a bit of a bust. and to be honest she hasn’t spoken to me since, so i’d say it’s fair to see that as the ultimate takeaway.

more recently, i spent a bit of time talking to michelle. it started out pretty casual and maybe even teasing me? a little? i’m not sure exactly, but it ended up with her confessing some pretty big issues going on in her relationship. i don’t know that i was exactly the person she wanted to be spilling them to, but she insists i was helpful, so maybe it was the right thing in the moment. i kind of feel bad for her to be honest. i don’t mean that to sound too much like i’m pitying or looking down on her or anything like that, but it really must suck to feel like even after getting into a relationship with someone that they don’t see you as desirable in all the ways you see them. i really do hope she talks to him about it and it’s something other than her fears, and better than that, something easy to deal with. it’s a shitty situation overall.

i guess all that’s really left is robbie. there’s definitely some kind of something happening there. i like her. she’s sweet. she’s absolutely gorgeous. i hope i don’t come across as too disinterested or anything. i’m not completely weak and unwilling or unable to make myself known in that kind of way, but i’ve just been a bit shy about it i guess. i don’t want her to feel like she’s got to make all the effort, it’s not fair and i feel like she’s put herself out there enough towards me. it’s kind of a mindfuck though. parts of me are still kind of caught up in her and how i let myself believe something that wasn’t there. and i don’t want to go around comparing people by appearance alone, but if she couldn’t see me as someone genuinely viable it’s kind of crazy to think someone like robbie could. sure, i’m in a band. that can get you pretty far with girls in general, but a gorgeous former model nurse vs guy in a band who is kind of just a dog walking guitar tech? i’m not sure it makes sense. i probably need to shake myself off a bit. maybe i should’ve just admitted to michelle that i liked her, let her sort the details a little. i scared myself off it though. and honestly, i don’t know that i’d be looking to just get laid anyway. even without everything that makes up robbie, that’s a mess in itself no matter who the girl would be.

so yeah, catch me out here treading water for awhile. that’s my standard and that’s how i’m gonna be when i watch the things i like and want pass me by for something or someone else. productive as fuck.

[waayharsh]

being home means being back to the typical day to day. it’s actually pretty good though. john decided to come chill for a little bit after festival, which has been good. we’ve been able to double up on wag and he’s bringing in some cash on top of me having company on the walks. it’s easier to go on longer during the day when someone’s around to do part of it with me. having john there has been good to keep some extra cash around i might need in the near future. with the new album in the works, it’s good in case i need to up and be somewhere. even if it’s in la, those days of not getting direct cash into pocket won’t hurt too bad.

i’ve been trying to keep up talking to people too. it goes in waves mostly. i’ll get real caught up and interested and then it’ll wane for a little while. i don’t mind it too much. i spent the holiday with robbie. she’s really cool and always has a lot to say about things. i don’t know that i can fully wrap my head around the bachelor, but it’s pretty cute how interested in it all she is. i kind of teased her about finding the romance in a show about hookups, which hopefully didn’t come off too bad. i don’t know. floating is kind of nice right now.

[waayharsh]

well, just to start, my worst valentine’s day was definitely the first one after i got married. by that point in time i really figured out what kind of situation i was in and had absolutely no plan of doing anything fun or romantic for the day. of course that had been the wrong choice and i felt kinda dumb and off base and just thoughtless a good chunk of the day. it wasn’t the best feeling and i just kind of left me pretty lost on what i was supposed to do. i dunno. it’s nothing i ever want to repeat, but i don’t think that’s a real risk anyway

beyond all that fest has been pretty decent. michelle and i talked a bit about bringing our dogs next time. it’ll be fun i think. we agreed to take turns on it and everything. i dunno. i’m pretty into the idea in general. i’ve talked to and spent a bit of time with robbie too. she’s real sweet and pretty funny. i honestly really enjoy hearing about her son and al her worries about him. as much as i know that’s probably a pretty normal thing, it’s kind of funny being around someone going through it and just thinking and wondering about what their kid is gonna be like and what they’re going to be interested in. at least from what i’ve heard, i think she’s pretty on to what he’s gonna be like. you know, unless he takes a big turn personality-wise. it’s nice though. i’ve talked to some other people a bit. nothing super stands out though to be honest. mostly just casual talk and nothing too deep. 

i guess i’ve been doing a lot of my own thing. skating a bit. kind of enjoying being out of the country and away from dealing with the kinds of things i might need to back at home. honestly all i wanna do is get back home and make some money. robbie lives in la so i might try to see her a bit. and i think john might crash for a little while even, which will be good. i dunno, i kinda enjoy my chill back at home routine. it’ll be nice to fall back into it for awhile. i kinda got off it with last fest and recording and shit.

[waayharsh]

for the most part, i’d definitely say that i like myself. i don’t really have a deep undercurrent of self hatred or anything like that going on. there’s definitely plenty of annoyances and room for improvement, but it’s not the kind of thing that i think would be fixed by being someone else. it’d be trading my issues for someone else’s and i’m not eager to jump into something like that. in my mind, that’d mean i probably like myself decent enough. 

as for changing myself, i don’t think i’d do anything physical. there’s nothing that bothers me distinctly enough to bother. it’d be kind of cool to not need glasses, but i’m also pretty into the ones i have and it’s not so bad having an excuse to wear em from time to time. most likely what i’d wanna change is just the way i let other people affect me. the most obviously example would be my “wife” except i can’t really use quotes around that, can i? honestly though, not to use a stupid and overused metaphor, but it’s kind of some kind of puppet or marionette pinocchio bullshit. where i feel like i’m free, but i’m actually just as, or maybe even more, under control of someone else. honestly, i think i only actually watched that movie once because all that donkey shit was really upsetting. all i’m really saying is, i’d definitely change something about my past involving her. maybe i’d change the way i felt or viewed the situation, which i guess would ultimately be an adjustment to my personality. or maybe i’d not go through with it and push for her to seek other options besides the whole gotta get married to fix this thing. i wouldn’t have gotten caught up in it and ended up looking dumb. that’s what id change. 

of course, it’d have to happen for me to know that i needed to do that, so that’s why i am where i am

[waayharsh]

recording was good. i actually managed to slip out before needing to go up to new york. it’s gonna bite me in the ass, i know that it will. it already has, but it was a relief at the time. it was pretty fucking nice to just come back home and relax a little. spending time with tiff is really nice, it’s just kind of normal and relaxing. there’s not too much pressure. probably not the best sounding on my part, but it’s pretty nice to not feel the need to do anything formal. and by formal i don’t mean dressed out and big and fancy, but even just going out to dinner at a semi-nice place isn’t a necessity. ordering a pizza, picking up burgers or taco bell, all those are good enoguh options. it takes a lot of pressure off, especially when i’m still kind of exhausted from traveling. japan to home to new york with all of it mostly including work, is a lot to take in. it’s not worth whining about, but it’s tiring to say the least. i still don’t think i’m caught up on sleep in the way that i’d like, but that kind of thing only exists a few weeks out of the year anyway. my life is set around being exhausted.

so the biting in the ass part, i definitely have to fly back out east soon. the thing is i don’t know why for sure because she doesn’t even want to tell me. i don’t even have a frame of reference for it because it comes up so casually. we’ll be talking about what i’m doing, what she’s doing, nothing too deep, and she’ll jsut say she wants to see me, wants me to come up. she does that cute little husband thing that used to make me feel a little weak. maybe it does still make me feel a little weak, but i don’t think it’s in the same way. it’s not in the heart quickening stomach flipping fluttery kind of way. it’s in the way where i feel like maybe my legs are going to cave beneath me or the earth isn’t stable beneath my feet. it’s not strong. i don’t feel strong, that’s for sure. maybe it’s just it doesn’t feel sweet and i know i’m about to be manipulated, fuck. that’s probably not fair. i don’t know that i can even call it manipulation even if she’s definitely at the very least trying to soften me up first. but she does that, she brings it up all cute and casual, wanting to see me, her husband, because i havne’t been around in awhile and last time we spent so little time together. so i make some semi-empty promises. and it’s like she just knows because then, and only for about a second or two, she turns up the pressure. adds a bit of urgency. says she needs me, but it dissipates after that.

so that’s something i need to sort out. i haven’t gotten details. she hushes me when i try to get them. every time. she’s always done that though. it felt special before sometime like she wanted to say them in person and see my face and read my face and experience it all, but i think it’s just the advantage of me not knowing it’s either unnecessary or getting filled with the anxiety that comes with a serious situation. i don’t know. part of me feels like it could be something small and simple. she might want to get pictures taken together to hang on the walls of her apartment. something where she can wear her ring and have it on display as she caresses me softly in some kind of pose to make it seem like after these years we still have all those sweet intimate moments. or whatever it is that brings people to take photos with their husbands and wives to hang on their own walls before even having kids. or it could be she’s having relationship problems. i’m the one she talks to about that, because why wouldn’t it be me. she might want to cry on my shoulder and have me take her out to that diner she likes, so i can watch her eat her slice of pie one cherry at a time. i can’t forget to bring my ring with me. 

despite the fact i know there’s nothing going on there. marriage or not. there have been flickers in my mind if i’m being insincere with tiff on some level because of it. at this point, the only reason it feels like i’d need to tell her about my marriage was if there was some kind of romantic aspect to it. but there isn’t. and even then, it might jsut be because it’s something big. i have no idea if a small flirtation or something would be worth bringing up. unfortunately there’s no one i can or want to talk about it with. i know mentioning tiff to her would bring up jealousy. it’s idiotic, but it’s true and i’m not even going to bother trying to understand it. input on the right thing would be nice though. most of the time i just tell myself, if it was a marriage i felt passionate about or wanted, i would’ve told her. if it was that, i wouldn’t have even gotten into things with her. it’s just a legal situation. it’s not like we’re in the point of anything where i’d feel the need to tell her i was in debt or recently declared bankruptcy or something else that’s factual that isn’t exactly about money.

maybe hearing what this about will help me sort out what i need to do or say. keep my mouth shut or share it. it’s not even like i think she’ll be hurt or upset about it. i can’t imagine she would? i hope not. it’s kind kind of shameful feeling. because i don’t even know that i could lie once it starts. i can’t pretend i never had feelings and that i didn’t feel a bit like a duped idiot. and i don’t know that i want her to see me as that guy. i don’t wanna be the one who got caught up in something that felt nice and was ultimately meaningless, while in the other hand something else entirely was going on and i sat straight through it. like, sure, understanding guys are cool and wanted and whatever, but just weak fucking saps. no one wants that. only if you’re looking to take advantage.

[waayharsh]

i got a couple seconds at home before needing to head out east to record. it’s pretty exciting. i’m not upset about it. it’s just so close to getting back from japan that it would’ve been nice to have a week or so to chill in between. it’s cool though. i wanna get some more shit out there. the process itself is always great. a mix between just hanging out with everyone and really getting down to creative shit. there’s a bunch of downtime where we’re really getting fuck all done, but it feeds the moments when things are really getting somewhere. like, fucking progressing hard. i dunno. i miss eli. it would’ve been cool to see tiff more, but she’s not there now anyway. she’s off to visit dua to keep her off of parker or something.

shit with tiff is pretty good honestly. i’m learning a fair amount about her. just little things at a time mostly. we don’t honestly get too deep or stay too deep, which is good honestly. i don’t think i could really tell her all that much. there’s a whole lot plaguing my mind recently. mostly because, of course, the band is out east. it’s not exactly close to her, but it’s a lot closer than i am in la. i’m going to have to head up there a couple times while i’m here. just to... be a good husband? haha i don’t know. she has expectations sometimes that i don’t fully understand. she’s in a serious relationship with a guy who presumably can give her whatever she might need, but she always tags that “but youre my husband” on things and i feel obligated. it’s usually helping her with really mundane things. maybe she thinks we still have to keep up the image of a married couple. someone’s really scoping her out and making sure the marriage was legitimately. who knows. she wants me to go with her for her license, getting it renewed. she doesn’t even need anyone there, but i said okay. 

i wish i could just go back and tell myself what i was getting myself into. i know i still would’ve done it. even with everything, i still care about her so much. i want her to be safe and i would’ve done pretty much anything to help her. the ideas i had in my head were just stupid though. i needed someone to tell me or remind me or i dunno, just help me see how it was really gonna be. oh well though

[waayharsh]

i’m the one that’s trouble. so let’s jump in.

i’ve been laying fairly low i’d say. talking to people on and off. plenty are interesting, but don’t particularly stick. quinn, nick, and joe were all pretty friendly but have since died off a bit. probably a bit on my end as much as theirs, if not more. it’s all been pretty good though. japan has been fun and i like playing shows whenever i can. 

talking to tiff has been really nice. especially nice. she’s interesting and smart. i kind of like the things she has to say about... well, things. that doesn’t really sound like and intelligent thought, but she has interesting opinions on things. even if i don’t particularly enjoy the sappy overly emotional romantic movies she has a little bit of a guilty pleasure for, i enjoy watching them with her. i guess for a bit i kind of kept her to the back. in the sense that i enjoyed time with her and frankly, spent quite a bit of it talking to her, but i wasn’t sure what exactly i wanted to invest in it. she’s really attractive, so it definitely crossed my mind more than once about her in a non-platonic way. the idea was still kind of scary to step into though. i like her enough though that with the opportunity out there, i just kind of went for sleeping with her. i probably needed it. honestly, i know i needed it. and thankfully i don’t exactly have the fear where i’m wondering what the fuck she thinks things mean now. i think if i wanted to back out slowly and just be friends, she’d be completely fine. honestly, that might even be where her head’s at. so it doesn’t feel like a slip up or a fuck up. it was good.

i’m just. it’s really pathetic, but i feel a bit strange about things. i’ve got myself pretty on board with the idea that there’s no need to mention being married. it’s not a real marriage at all. she doesn’t seem like the type to get caught up in that kind of shit and feel betrayed for not being told. that said, despite her even having her own fucking boyfriend out there, i still get weird feelings of doing something wrong. she never wanted me. not really. not actually. it was all one-sided and i still get those bitter feelings sometimes. i don’t know if i’m dreading or hoping for the day she’ll pop back up. i don’t know if it’ll be for a divorce or because she’s decided she needs me again. christmas was odd enough with her insisting on a visit but the really only wanting to see me for a little bit. she used to spend the entire holiday with my family back then. whatever. i like tiffany and japan has been nice to clear my head.