wanderingsoul

[wanderingsoul]

new years reflections pt 3 (2023)

what is one small way you can become a better person? for others? for yourself?

i can become a better person by continuing to relinquish control in my life. i can become a better person by showing up more authentically in my life. by not trying to fix, and mediate, and meddle. i can be a better daughter, sister, aunt and friend by continuing to grow and encouraging forward motion in my circle. by cheerleading and encouraging and providing tools to help usher in change and development. i can become a better person by pursuing vulnerability over transparency, and by not avoiding hard conversations.

what are you holding onto currently that is no longer serving you? why are you holding on? what’s one small step you can take towards releasing it?

i am having a hard time letting go of control over my love life. i have expectations for how it should look, and when it will happen and i am trying so hard to orchestrate the perfect moment, going on countless first dates in a desperate search for the one. i feel societal pressure to find someone, and feel i am behind those my age who have found someone. i keep doing things that don't work for me in hoping that this time it will work, and its insanity. i am taking a step to let go of it by deleting dating apps in January of the new year, and clearing my inner circle of people who don't deserve my time.

goal for the new year that excites me? goal that scares me?

a goal for the new year that excites me is my goal to travel alone. i would like to go on a vacation by myself. a lot of my other goals this year relate to financials, i am entering my last few months of paying off my personal school loans. i am hoping to buy a new vehicle this year, and continue to build my savings account. a goal that scares me is related to relationships... it feels weird to make it a goal, but i do believe in manifesting, so my goal is to be in relationship with someone that i can see myself falling in love with in the next 12 months.

what do you want to be a student of in the new year?

i want to be an actual student this year. i would like to pursue learning again in a classroom setting. i would like to learn american sign language and continue to work towards a speech pathology program. i also want to continue to be a student of softness, creativity, openness, kindness, intentionality and thoughtfulness.

who in your life deserves the biggest thank you for this year?

my biggest thank you's always go to my family, my never ending support and reason for joy. i am thankful for karl and mikaela, who continue to welcome me into their home at all days and times, and let me love on mabel fern. i am so grateful for her my heart feels like it will burst with joy when i think about her. i am thankful for her little brother, who will be joining us this year and the love that will grow within myself when he arrives. i am thankful for my dad a lot this year, who showed up for me when i needed help, and who is trying very hard to keep understanding us children and seeking connection with us. i am thankful for alexa, for giving me the opportunity to live on my own and repair our friendship that was lost a bit in the roommate phase. i am thankful for emma, who has been a constant friend for a long time, and while our friendship is changing and separating in a sense, i will forever be grateful for the years of amazing memories that we share.

what can you thank yourself for this year?

i would like to thank myself for showing up for myself a lot this year. i fed myself good food, i pushed my body towards strength and stamina, i surrounded myself with people who give me life. since living alone, i have felt so incredibly content and joyful in my daily life. i get to spend my days exactly as i want to, taking time for myself, cultivating my home space to be peaceful and warm. i take time to move my body, supporting my mental and physical health. i am not too hard on myself, and let myself get a little too high sometimes and eat a few too many oreos. i let myself stay up late on a school night if i want to. i take advantage of small moments where i can re-parent myself and give my inner child opportunities and treats she never had. i love spending time with myself.

what have you outgrown this year?

i have outgrown people who do not have the same need for growth as i do. i want to surround myself with people who have similar values, and who want to join the journey towards self-development. as i have gotten older, i have gotten more comfortable with the idea that not everyone is for you like you are for them. and people have seasons and reasons in our life. lessons to learn, memories to share. but that does not mean that they will necessarily be the ones that make it in the long run. i have outgrown the desire to try and get people on the train with me, and allowing people to serve their purpose in my life.

what is an important boundary to set in the new year?

i want to set a boundary with my phone and social media. over the last 3-6ish months, i have been fully dependent on it for entertainment at all times and i would like to re-establish a time and mental boundary for social media. i am starting january with a social media cleanse, and am hoping to seriously limit my usage throughout the rest of the year.

what’s a memory from this past year that makes you smile just thinking about it?

january- wolves game with karl, minnesota zoo with mabel, remax dinner with karl, mikaela and jen. stillwater snow sculptures, ending my job at bluestone, trip to arizona with emma.

february - staying at great wolf lodge with jen, painting my bedroom green, brewsology beer fest with emma at the science museum. trip to chicago with silka, going to the shedd aquarium.

march - dinner at giulia with karl and mikaela, mssa with jasmine, st patricks downtown stillwater with emma.

april- giant margarita with jen in northfield, indeed brewery with karl, mikaela and emma and ms mabel after her bedtime. easter at the duplex in white bear lake. modist brewery with lex and her coworkers. lizzie mcapline concert! jewelry making class with emma.

may- traveling to spain with karl, miakela and mabel, seeing kristen and walter and vacationing in south of spain. saints game with silka, jaden and jen for mothers day. carson and anna's wedding. lex's birthday at blondette. traveling to cannon to see drew at his graduation party.

june- making bread and bringing it to kristelle, farmers market run with korbyn. suprise birthday party with all of my friends !! first wnba game, seeing the lynx with lex. horseback riding for lex's birthday. st paul beer fest at the state fair grounds with emma. finally getting my rings back from spain. camping trip up north with emma, seeing karl, mikaela, seth and kate; eating pizza on the north shore.

july- weekend in lake city, tubing and beaching on lake pepin. cabin weekend with hanowski crew. spontaneous pool night at jasmine's apartment. weekend and trip up north for lea and hudson's wedding, sleeping in dan and betty's basement.

august - starting demo for the bathroom. seeings vikings practice. karl and i's trip to mankato to surprise jaden on his birthday. golfing with jen in the pouring rain. lots of days with karl working on the bathroom. brule trip with joe this year, karl and mikaela joining. state fair with jen, silka and jaden.

september- john starts helping with bathroom renovations. labor day weekend, rachel in town- mill city farmers market, rodeo, eating and drinking on film. mabel turns one year old, party to celebrate our angel. start living alone, start 75 hard-get viral ear infection... ren fest for silka's birthday. red barn pizza for jen's birthday. sam and callie get married!

october- jen and i travel to charlotte to see the vikings play, exploring the city. re-start 75 hard, decide to do 50 hard. oktoberfest at laura's house. kristen gets married, mabel is flower girl and mikaela is bridesmaid. shopping wholesale with jen on a monday. fall trip to lake city, see gorgeous fall colors all the way down, meet oden. pumpkin patch with camp friends and jen. flo milli concert with emma.

november - first run in a long time. afternoon walk after sam's birthday, photo-shoot on an old tree trunk, playing on all the playgrounds on the way home. building furniture for my "new" place. running the turkey trot, feeling really proud of my accomplishment. 2 thanksgiving meals.

december - friendsgiving, finding out its a baby boy. european market. wolves games. taking mabel to eagles' nest. christmas at jens- exchanging gifts, eating way too many cookies. new years eve party at the troyaks.

[wanderingsoul]

losing someone hurts, losing yourself hurts more

full of many feelings tonight, listening to a podcast with tracie ellis ross, talking about the intrinsic joy and loneliness of being single, and also the immense privilege of getting to pick your chosen family when you don't have a romantic partner. getting to cling to your friends and make the most beautiful memories with your best friends.

i think as i start dating again and warm up to the idea of getting in another committed relationship, i don't know if i feel ready to greive the loss of my singleness again. recently living alone has brought me so much peace and joy, and selfishly, i feel i am not quite ready to give that up. however, i can tell these feelings come from a place of hurt and past negative experiences. the person i choose to be with will allow me to have my own space, and will add to the joy and peace i already feel.

the past few weeks i have been going through the range of emotions as i started dating again. i ended things with the boy i had been seeings since january... or should i say he gave me an std and then i ended things. definitely not how either of us saw it ending and i know he felt so bad and apologized a million times. its hard because i told everyone for months i was looking for ways to end it but it just never felt like the right time and chile, did the universe solve that problem for me or what. the timing was insane, as it was the weekend before i was starting 75 hard. i ended up seeing him one more time a few weeks after as a sort of goodbye and while i secretly loved it, i think it just made the separation harder. he's in the back of my mind and even though i've muted his socials i still go through and watch them later and drool. i still feel the same way as i did before, if he wanted something to happen he would have said something, i expressed that i wanted to look for something more serious and he never said he wanted to be that person so i have to assume he does not want to be that person. its in the back of my mind to just speak my piece and tell him that i would have wanted just him and see if he ever felt the same way, but i don't feel the need to act on that right now. kind of the lingering feeling of "what if" that is fading the more i speak to other people, which i feel is as it should be.

so here's to exploring connections, putting ourselves out of our comfort zones, ever striving for growth and cultivating peace and joy along the way.

[wanderingsoul]

facet

one of the facets of myself that i hold proudest is my constant need for growth and improvement. i have at times obsessed over it, and worshipped it, and let it consume me. i feel i have a healthier relationship with it now, and can sit in seasons of rest. i actually have come to enjoy those seasons greatly because i walk out of them so renewed and ready to take on a new challenge. 

whether it be financial, physical, mental or something smaller, at different points of my life i pick one of those, decide it needs some work and look for ways to improve. 

the current area that i want to challenge is my discipline. i wouldn’t say that i don’t have any, and being a creature of habit i think a lot of the things and routines that i do tend to look like discipline. but its hard for me to stick by something really challenging for more than a short time. 

i classically say that i am not a hard worker, and joke about it often. because when it comes to things i don’t want to do, its going to take a lot from me to do it, if i do it at all. 

so i have decided i am going to complete the 75 hard challenge. for 75 days, i will complete two 45 minute workouts, one of which will be outdoor, drink one gallon of water, follow a diet, read 10 pages of a non-fiction book and take a progress picture. i feel ready to take on this challenge as i will be living alone and have time to give to myself. i am going to start in september, and finish before thanksgiving. i am really looking forward to it as i haven’t done anything like this before, and revel in a challenge. 

another aspect that i am adding is that i don’t want to talk about it too much. i don’t want to make it a piece of my personality for 2 months and i want people to notice any changes organically. now that i have spoken it out into the universe here that means i have to follow through, and i have told a few close friends, so they can cheer me on. 

[wanderingsoul]

25th

going into 25 feeling very emotional. i tend to write the most when i am feeling emotional and look back at them all and roll my eyes at the drama. so buckle up future me. 

being able to sit with my emotions is one of the things that i am most proud of myself for. being able to self-sooth, do all the good things to make myself feel better, and if i don’t, then i sit in the feelings and wear them around like an old sweater until they inevitably move along. because as cliche as it sounds, feeling these moments makes all the rest shine just a bit brighter. 

i realized this weekend that i am attached to the boy i’ve been seeing and its scaring the shit out of me. he’s so nice and simple and who’s only flaw is that he likes shitty TV. and not reality tv, we’re talking south park (shudder). well thats the only flaw i know about him because i have been actively avoiding all the getting to know you bits for the last 5 months. i heard someone say that a crush is just a lack of information and i am terrified that once i know too much or get too close i will have to face the reality that we’re not a good match and i just don’t want to right now. and that was all fine until he held me the way that he did last sunday and now i am scared. i don’t want to lose him. i told him i appreciated him and while that might be a small comment to the rest of the world, for me within the context of our very casual see-you-every-3-weeks relationship, it felt so incredibly vulnerable. which is silly and i know that. but not saying things like that have been the reason this has worked so far. i do feel bad sometimes when he tries to start conversations and i just don’t give as much back. i know its a protective shield and that i could probably share a thing or two without also sharing my childhood trauma. but trust is hard for me, and i am in the familiar rut where i feel the rug will get pulled from under me and i can’t stop them from leaving. except instead of spiraling into anxiety and texting them 4 times in a row; now i do all the adult things like go for a walk, and write, and realize that feelings are just feelings, and recognize the obsessive thinking patterns, even if i do nothing to stop them. and i feel that i will be able to regulate again, and try and find a place where i can honor and appreciate the attachment while also protecting myself and my feelings. i also want to be open to other doors the universe has for me. i pray that i am looking up and out when those opportunities come, and not wasting my time on things that are not meant for me. what is meant for me is already mine, and everything will work out exactly as it should. this is an opportunity for me to get to know myself better and to continue to grow. 

so maybe i am going into 25 more hopeful than i thought. 

[wanderingsoul]

accomplishments

i completed a small task that i have been putting off for months today and the accomplishment i felt after completing rivaled that of graduating uni. my brilliant dad helped me hack the project of replacing my stove light, and something that i would have toiled over suddenly was easy and fun. 

today i grilled a steak for the first time and felt so accomplished. that dish was never one that i felt capable of just making without doing some research, or getting the right pan, or mixing up homemade garlic butter. but my ex taught me that the best steaks are simple, so i followed his lead, made it how he made one for me, and loved every bite. 

i finally planted grass seed in my front yard after only 4 blades came back this year and felt very accomplished. i did do some research for this project, and my brother lent me his rake. but i did the deed on my own, and watered it twice today to get it to grow. 

i purchased a small cherry tomato plant and that accomplishment satisfied a two year goal to grow veggies. ever since moving into our new place i have told myself i would like to have at least one plant, even if its just in pot. and today i finally bought the little guy. 

and thats the funny thing about accomplishments, once you get one done you’re hooked. then you go and knock out another, and another, until you get to the end of the day and you’re thinking it might be one of the best days ever. maybe not for the world, or for your neighbor, but for you? you just accomplished tasks that took months or even years to build up the guts to do. and you just did them all. you can go to bed, all cleaned up from your grass planting, tummy full of warm steak cooked just right and feel a sense of pride in the little things that mean a whole lot to you. 

[wanderingsoul]

money and love

i recently saw a podcast clip talking about how we often feel the same about money as we do relationships. if we’re in a scarcity mindset, its most likely affecting these two areas of our lives in similar ways. 

my first reaction was to balk at the comparison, knowing that money stresses me out beyond belief and feeling that i’ve “hacked” relationships at this point and they don’t really cause me a lot of anxiety anymore. mostly due to an extreme amount of self-evaluation and need to have everything packed away neatly, but i digress. 

ever since i was young, i felt money was something that i always craved but never had enough of. my family grew up poor, and so there was no room for extras or fancy things. my mom says i was cursed with expensive taste, and i actually agree with her. i am drawn to designer clothes and shoes, expensive events and hobbies and really a luxury lifestyle. i started working when i was 13 years old, and from the get-go, i never got into the practice of saving. anything that i made babysitting would be spent at the mall or online within a few weeks or months. my parents would force me to donate money to our church, or a charity every month but that was the only time the money i made was not mine to use entirely. once the pattern was created, it has stayed fairly consistent over the past 10 years, with increasing paychecks, and increasing spending. i’ve paid almost every bill ive had early, and was able to save enough to buy a few cars, and a house, so you would think i would have some sense of security in that. or security in my job, where i make more than the median household income in america. but somehow its never enough. every check is spent paying off student loans and my credit card debt, which is from the last check where i spent more than i made. and i am fully stuck in the cycle. it feels like for years now, at least 1-2 years, that has been my life. bi-weekly stress of paying off bills and loans, and over-drafting my account several times a year. you would think at some point, i would start saying no, learn some impulse control and stop buying things. and some months i do, but most months i don’t. so lets look at the mindset i have when it comes to money, which is “it comes and goes easily”. i say this often mostly joking but truly do feel this way. i am able to make much more than i ever though possible, and am able to afford things and experiences i never thought possible. i hardly every say no to things regardless of the cost because i know i will be able to manage it. i still manage to pay my credit cards off every month so in my mind i am fine. i still stress every single paycheck, every month about money, but also am having the most fun of my life. 

when it comes to relationships, i can see some sort of patterns in my early experiences. i really did not have any notable relationships until college, and felt that attention was not something that i got very often. i had been single for a very long time, and did’t care to compete to date someone like most everyone else did. so when i did attach, i would become a bit obsessive. i would think about them all the time, want to spend every waking moment with them, and for the first notable partners, they did not feel the same. but as i’ve matured and expanded my dating pool, i have come to realize that i am the commodity. i am the prize and i can put in fairly minimal effort to get the attention i want. however, the attention that i get is never from someone that i see as an equal, or someone i would consider as a serious partner; it often comes from lonely guys looking for a good time. my mindset is a bit more protective of myself when it comes to dating, i am not going to invest my time in something i know won’t lead to where i want, and when i do invest time into someone, its at my pace, on my timeline, when works for me. i do not chase love, and i truly believe what is meant for me will be for me. 

after looking at both areas of my life, i realize that i do have some sort of trust in the universe that i will be taken care of, and i will be able to do achieve all my dreams. but for some reason, that peace doesn’t carry over as easily into money as it does in relationships, even though the stability i have in money is arguably much more than in relationships. i think with money i feel out of control and irresponsible, whereas in relationships i almost always feel in control. i would like to shift my thinking about money away from the scarcity mindset into one of abundance. 

[wanderingsoul]

new year’s reflections

what is one small way you can become a better person? for others? for yourself? 

i can be a better person by allowing myself and my feelings to exist and expand without intellectualizing them. by being gentler with myself, and allowing the things that i want to simply be desires without hindering them with shame or guilt. i can be a better person for others by allowing the same for them. supporting their emotions and feelings and uplifting the experiences without breaking it down into meaning. supporting others to be in the moment and challenging myself to do the same.  

what are you holding onto currently that is no longer serving you? why are you holding on? what’s one small step you can take towards releasing it? 

i am holding onto the need to constantly achieve. to strive towards things that take me away from enjoying the moment. i hold on to this because i am afraid without a higher purpose and something to strive for that i will fall apart. whether its financial, emotional or spiritual, i am tired of striving towards things i will never achieve and i want to be able to enjoy myself in a state of existence. i can take a step towards releasing by creating goals that are very achievable and accessible, not unmeasurable.   

i have always been someone that treasures growth, but i also realize it can become an idol. constantly searching for meaning in everything and striving to compartmentalize my feelings by categorizing them into growth areas. 

goal for the new year that excites me? goal that scares me??

one goal that excites me is related to physical strength. i took up lifting this year and would love to create goals around lifting heavier and getting stronger consistently throughout the year. 

my goal to reinvest in my spirituality is terrifying to me. something that was my entire life is so tarnished now i don’t know if i can ever recover it. i question if the person i am now has any place in a church. i was completely saturated in that culture from the time of birth until i was about 21. years of delusions, shame, and disingenuous performances. the idea of slowly re-integrating myself into that world creates a visceral reaction in my body. but i do want to continue healing, and i have been avoiding the culture for 3+ years, so maybe it is time. we’ll see. even in the goal setting i am so scared to set a concrete measurable goal in case i can’t do it. healing = discomfort > acceptance > growth. i am done sitting in the discomfort. 

what do you want to be a student of in the new year?

i want to be a student of exploration. i want to explore my hobbies and interests, friendships and spaces that are close to me. i want to look around, and in. i want to be intentional about expanding my horizons. 

i want to be a student of self-acceptance. i want to praise consistency and not shame myself for eating unhealthy. i want to find balance between staying active and obsessing over being skinny. the shadow of control is never far away whenever i think about eating healthy and staying active, and this year i want to create a farther distance between myself and that shadow. 

who in your life deserves the biggest thank you for this year?

karl and mikaela, as always. they are my biggest supporters and best of friends. emma, for knowing me better than i know myself and pointing out truths i was blind too. alexa, for always teaching me the importance of connection. my parents for their unwavering support of me through everything i go through. 

what can you thank yourself for this year?

i want to thank myself for being able to make a hard decision and hurt someone to do what was best for me. i was able to articulate my feelings and struggles with someone and still prioritize myself. i am very proud of myself for putting myself out there, diving deep into the intricacies of a committed relationship. 

what have you outgrown this year?

i have outgrown the need to strive towards something to give meaning to my life. i can exist and work in silence toward my goals without having any outward successes. i don’t need the praise and approval of others on these goals, i want to measure my success in happiness and presence. i have made goals and growth such an integral part of my personality i have forgotten what i was like to feel good about myself outside of goal completion. 

what is an important boundary to set in the new year?

a boundary i would like to continue to set is staying steadfast in my feelings and resolutions outside of other’s opinions and feelings. being able to speak clearly my wishes and dreams, and stand up for things that matter to me. to advocate for the things that matter, and give leniency to things that do not. 

what’s a memory from this past year that makes you smile just thinking about it?

january - skating centenniall lakes with emma. san diego trip with alexa (gorgeous sunsets and best margaritas ever). snow sculpture with karl, mikaela and kristen.

february - charcuterie board at jen’s house with karl and mikaela. ice sculptures in downtown st paul. succulent tattoo sleeve outline. apple valley cowboy jacks with emma and alexa. remax awards party with jen at mystic lake. going out with alexa’s coworkers. 

march - first wild game! emma’s birthday dinner downtown minneapolis. hiking silverwood park with karl, mikaela and knute. 

april- victoria burrow for molly’s birthday (ax throwing, getting reaaaally drunk with karl). emma and i going to wild bills in woodbury. breaking and entering abandoned buildings with knute, sam and jibs... running from the police. amine concert with emma! 5k run with knute and karl, little painted turtle on the trail. 

may- seeing kaleo which was the best concert of my life and crying many many times. bonfire at karl and mikaela’s, mother’s day at jens. going to chicago!! seeing aunt betsy for dinner. dangerous brewing with emma, fishing with the karl’s and mikaela (catching literally nothing). alexa’s birthday at the abba themed dance party! 

june- new front landscaping project. yacht party, iconic as always. boat day with knute, sam and carson. birthday celebration at freehouse! first date with stephan, rushing home to start back fence project. kayaking with the whole fam! summer stems with emma and annie. road trip to new york- niagra falls, making new friends! top golf with bluestone team. can can wonderland with fam + seth and kate! 

july - final backyard project, along the sidewalk. fishing with stephan, karl and mikaela- catching 400 sunnies. 5k with alexa and karl, running into snail lake post-run. 4th of july watching fireworks in stillwater. roadtrip to colorado to visit papa walt with karl. hiking 9 miles up a mountain. baby shower for mikaela! swimming at emma’s parents house. volunteering at target field with john and karl for FMSC. walk around central park with emma, knute sam and callie. karl’s half marathon! 

august - another 5k with karl and knute. seeing ultrasounds of mabel. trivia with alexa and friends, smoking a blunt. twins game and cole swindell concert. brule trip, hobo dinners! catching a ball at a saints game with jasmine. seeing lauv with alexa. hiking taylors’ falls with stephan. bentrud wedding with alexa. one more 5k with kristen, knute, karl and mikaela. baby mabel’s birth ;) 

september - state fair with silka, jaden, jen and stephan. rodeo with alexa! state fair one more time with alexa, emma and stephan. celebrating john’s birthday at karl and mikaela’s house. golf tournament with laura and jasmine. jen’s birthday at smack shack, ALZ walk with hannah and jasmine. justin’s wedding with mabel. getting ghost tattoos! 

october - willow river hike with karl, mikaela, knute and alexa. joji concert with silka! sleepover with mabel and muffin at jens. dellwood orchard with emma, jen, mikaela and karl. halloween with alexa, being batgirl! lake monster brewing. 

november - being randomly invited on a party bus, making new friends! sivert’s football game with carson and anna. thanksgiving at karl and mikaela’s. going to backstory coffee shop with alexa. making bread for the first time!

december - rainbow kitten suprise concert with emma, silka and jaden. hollidazzle with mikaela, alexa and mabel. karl’s birthday trip to lutsen, unexpected trip to the grand marais ER.... gondola ride. first espresso martini at wildwood tavern, new years party at emma’s. 

[wanderingsoul]

attachment

normally being unattached is my preferred state of being. being unwanted is not. and the thing is that i know that i am wanted, but only by people i don’t want. 

i met this guy and he pursued me. when i forgot to text back he followed up, he rescheduled the date when i cancelled. we met, twice, both times he was sweet and we connected on so many levels. i felt nervous around him, and really wanted him to like me. the second date was a movie at his house and he didn’t try to fuck me. he definitely could have, and i honestly wouldn’t have said no, i like him. but somehow the fact that he didn’t try and do anything with me makes me like him more, and made me think he viewed me as a person. and he might, but now conversation is delayed with a full day going in between texts. he carries the conversation as if were talking, not sending a singular text a day. he hasn’t made any plans to see me again, but still asks about my plans and how i’m doing. 

at the beginning i felt very dis-regulated, like why was he bothering to text back at all if its going to take 18 hours. and i still do feel that way a little, mostly because his intentions are not clear. and the righteous anger part of me wants to demand more or block him because anyone not giving you 100% is not worth your time. then the patient part of me says you don’t know him, you also have taken hours to reply, you can take this as it is or pine away wishing it was something else. 

and for now, i am choosing to take this as it is. its good rejection practice if he doesn’t want me, its a good opportunity for me to ask for what i want if i choose to do so, and he’s so hot and fun to kiss that if i ever see him again that’ll be a win in an of itself. starting to sit in a space where i can be okay if he never asks to see me again, and also looking forward to initiating plans. i typically haaaaaate initiating because it makes me feel vulnerable, and if they say no, i take it really personally. but i want to be confident in myself enough that i can ask a hot person out, and not crumble to bits if they say no. 

[wanderingsoul]

collectively content

could be the season but i am feeling especially grateful for the exact moments that i am living in my life right now. 

recently during a conversation with one of my mom’s friends, i was telling her about work woes, possible housing issues, and the recent breakup. but while i was explaining it to her it wasn’t a stressful rant, it was simply a recollection of outside forces that have no lasting negative affect on my attitude. she noted how calm i was about everything and how i was fine with it. and the more i thought about it? the job, the housing, the love interests? all small compared to the joy that i have within my life outside of those things. 

i have a family that i absolutely adore, a niece i would die for and drop everything to spend some time with. best friends in siblings and some of the most supportive people i have ever met who have my back 100% of the time and want the absolute best for me. 

i live with one of my best friends and get to take edibles and watch silly movies and share our cats together. wherever we move in our lives, we are never going to be young twenties living together again in our little house with crazy guests in the basement. 

i have a friend group of individuals that are unique and have different viewpoints than me, who enrich my life and encourage me to be the type of person that listens before speaking. 

i am simply and wholeheartedly in love with the people in my life, and the habits that i have built that encourage growth everyday. i will always be reaching up and out, but i also want to make sure i am reaching within and around me. 

i have the immense privilege of picking my job simply because my work wife is moving companies and i want a change of pace. i had the opportunity to interview for manager position 2 years after getting hired. even not getting that position didn’t dampen my spirits because i know there is bigger and better out there. 

i have the privilege of house shopping once again and hopefully purchasing 2 years after getting the first one. i am so looking forward to living alone and creating my space, while also knowing i will miss our small interactions and the companionship of sharing a home. 

the love interests will come and go, but this i know- i have found the most rewarding love in my friends and family and if i never meet someone else to love i would be happy forever. i know i am the full package, and don’t need to settle on any level. there is someone out there who will exceed my expectations and bring me a happiness and pure love i have never known. i could not be bothered less with the timeline. 

[wanderingsoul]

the end.

i let him go even though he met my whole family. 

i let him go even though we matched so well on paper. even though he was the strongest communicator that i’d ever experienced. 

i let him go because i was never going to fall in love, and i was falling out of like at a drastic rate. the caring sensitive side i was drawn to i soon found to be weak-willed and indecisive. i let him go because we were never going to like the same music, and he was never going to appreciate mine. 

i don’t miss him at all, not even on a friend level. which is kind of sad to me, that i had blinded myself for so long by trying so hard to make it work i hadn’t realized that i didn’t even like him at all. i found his humor so incredibly basic, and he laughed way too loud at his own lame jokes. 

he was all over me all the time, which wasn’t inherently a bad thing, but the fact that he asked me every 30 seconds whether or not he was bothering me, did in fact bother me. i very rarely had an issue with him touching or kissing me though, but i was not attracted to him anymore. 

he wanted to make it work so bad he didn’t care that i didn’t love him. he didn’t care that i didn’t want to see him because he wanted to see me and thats all that mattered to him. he told me early on that he wears his heart on his sleeve, and that he knows he falls fast, and he was right. i didn’t know it would take me so long to listen to my feelings. 

i sighed a deep breath in the days after separating. i feel like myself again. i had lost my freedom and my happiness. i know it was right to let him go, and hopes one day he sees that too. 

[wanderingsoul]

unsure

i had all these expectations of what falling in love would be like. how i would be enamored, adored and of course everything would be perfect all the time. my friends would fall in love with them too, and they would bond over me. 

but real life is so messy and un-fun. so much romanticism gets lots in the details and the planning. i’ve never been in a relationship this serious or extensive, and the limited experiences i’ve had have been so polar opposite i have no knowledge to reach from. 

he’s patient and kind, and pushing me to use my voice in ways that feel uncomfortable but necessary. he bring’s me cool places and he loves the cats. he’s anxious and apologizes often. he’s flawed, and has opinions that i find incredibly lame. i just don’t know if i will fall in love with him. if someone asked me what i like about him the first thing that comes to mind is “ he’s nice”. which doesn’t seem like a passionate lifetime connection type of energy. i feel simultaneously stressed and calm when he is around, and the adjustment to him in my space has been comforting yet intrusive at the same time. i don’t miss him like he misses me, but i accidentally said i love you first. 

he is the first guy that i brought home to my dad. i was too scared to introduce him as my boyfriend so i just said his name. i don’t know how well he will fit into my life, and he is not meeting my high expectations for social performance. he is on his phone a. lot. much more than i would prefer honestly. like whenever there’s a spare moment he’s scrolling or playing games. which is just not my m.o. i haven’t told him this bothers me because he told me it bothered his last girlfriend. which tells me two things, one- that its never going to change, and two- its a sensitive subject. 

everyone he introduces me too thinks i am great and wonderful and perfect for him. none of my friends have really said the same.  

but i can’t let go he’s met my whole family. 

[wanderingsoul]

confronting

no one told me that falling in love would hurt so bad. being vulnerable, letting go of things that i have on to so tightly it made my palms bleed. ideas and beliefs that i told people i would rather die than give up. 

i told you all the messed up beliefs i had about marriage. that i wanted a pre-nup, i didn’t want to take my partners name, i wanted separate finances etc. and you said that scared you. and i was slammed into the realization that all these walls that i had put into place would not protect me from heartache. a pre-nup would not save me from a divorce. taking someones name doesn’t mean i have to lose my own identity. you said the marriage i envisioned had no sense of “ours” only mine and yours. and you were right. 

how can i say i want a marriage when what i verbalized was the most sterile, bristly version of marriage possible. i did not account for love. i had planned for a partnership that i had control over. that if somehow i made all these stipulations, and forced someone into a contractual agreement with me, that i could prevent them from every changing or leaving me. 

as we talked about marriage, i began to realize that these beliefs no longer served me, and that i could begin to loosen my grip. and that scared the hell out of me. i immediately felt the need to crawl into my shell, and never talk to you again. i feel so vulnerable letting my walls down, and its not something i am familiar with, and i am sooooo scared that you are going to hurt me. in the same breath, i realize that you are going to love me, and you are not intimidated by the walls i have set up, but are patient and encouraging me to let them down. and so i will try. i will begin to dig deeper within myself, and give myself grace through this growing process. 

[wanderingsoul]

journal entry 862

i don’t have a journal, so i don’t know what entry this would be. i have been itching to write, i am feeling that restless feeling when you’re on the cusp of great personal growth. that feeling you’re outgrowing the cocoon you’re in and its about time to burst out into a new world. 

getting excited about the future. about being financially free one day. working toward my goals and seeing the progress. sacrificing things now so that i can enjoy later, it feels so rewarding to see the literal amount of debt go down. 

looking forward to the growth that will come from this relationship. learning to trust and let go. release expectations for what it would be like, and get to enjoy it exactly the way that it is. learn to trust myself and him. find my voice, address concerns in ways that feel good, not letting issues come out sideways or hide behind humor. learn to verbalize what i like and what i don’t.  

preparing for the role of aunt, and wanting to step into that responsibility with grace and offer full support. being helpful and present, while also learning and growing alongside them and baby bell.  

[wanderingsoul]

falling

last night we cooked dinner together in my kitchen and i think i might have fallen in love. maybe thats an exaggeration, but he makes me melt into a puddle of googly eyes and giggles every time i see him. he touches me like he cares, and kisses me like he’s never tasted anything so sweet. he tells me he lives for me, and the summer is ours. he likes to kiss my cheeks and calls me pretty, even when i don’t feel pretty at all. he grabs my hand or puts his hand on my back whenever we’re in public, and everyone knows we’re together. he thinks he can cook better than me, but admits he’s wrong once i give him a bite. i want to lay in his arms forever, and i don’t even care how cheesy that sounds. i have been so afraid to fall in love, but slowly he is winning me over, and pulling me into the intoxicating feeling of being adored. 

[wanderingsoul]

rejection practice

i know i promised myself i would stop overthinking and intellectualizing everything that happens to me, but i had a bit of a realization today and of course i need to process. 

i realized that i don’t have a lot of experience getting rejected. mostly because i hardly ever put myself out there to get rejected. so every time i don’t get a text back, or interpret miscommunication as rejection, i immediately run the other direction. i can’t handle the thought they might not want me, or don’t want to see me right then, i just want to be the first one to reject. its a power move ever time, pointlessly proving to no one that i am just fine without them, when they never wondered if i was ok in the first place. its created such unnecessary drama in this relationship- definitely caused the last 2 break ups.   

rejection makes me feel so dis-regulated. makes me question things i thought i knew to be true, and makes me disappointed that my mood can be so easily based on someone actions, or silence. 

so i am taking extra space for me today. listening to my music, buying my favorite snacks. drinking lots of water and taking it slow. working on building lasting coping skills. 

also waiting for someone to come along that isn’t always hot and cold... 

[wanderingsoul]

slowly learning

“just date to have fun” “when people fall in love, its going to happen organically”

the only way to have the real genuine connection that i want is for me to be myself. that means that i present myself, fully. with the boundaries in place, with the quirks and the triggers. with the fun and the jokes and the caring and affection. 

i have to start showing up and receiving what i want instead of sitting at home, upset that someone is not giving it to me. i am not serving myself if i am not having fun and gaining life experiences.  

i have been holding back in this relationship, pretty much since the beginning. i was not honest about what i wanted from him, i was not clear in the expectations moving forward. i was not true to myself when i let go of the things that i wanted for the chance he might still like me. 

because we know he likes me. we would not have gotten back together 4 times now if he didn’t like me. he can fuck another girl, and if thats all it was, he would. but something keeps him coming back to me. 

now i get to use this opportunity to learn how to set boundaries. to get familiar with uncomfortable conversations and asking for what i want. i can do that, and i owe it to myself to push towards growth once again. 

[wanderingsoul]

feeling pretentious

sometimes writing about my issues feels ingenuine. like i am so focused on the words coming out right, making sure the story feels romanticized. making me out to be the pensive and every introspective victim every time. 

i don’t even want to write about my issues with Green right now, because i don’t want to organize my feelings into something i can separate myself from. i don’t want to over-process until every small detail fits into a box and i can lock it all away where it doesn’t provoke such strong feelings. i want to be fully present, i want to process at the right time with the right now. the realization that i might have developed feelings, the sadness that he doesn’t fulfill all my needs. the guilt that i feel over violating my own boundaries for the one millionth time. let myself down for temporary happiness. 

i think it was the most loved and special that i have felt from a partner maybe ever. the sex is good, but the aftercare completely overflows my need for affection and attention. the raw moments of being needed, having someone want you as close to them as possible, not wanting any space between you. being told over and over again how much he loves fucking me, how he wishes he could stay in the moment forever. calling me his girl, being possessive over me. when he promises me that he loves everything about me, i am so tempted to believe him, but i am even more terrified if he’s being honest. how can one person who makes me feel so treasured and special also make me feel so unimportant and disrespected.