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“7-30” by Yizheng Ke

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i accept obsession and nothing else.

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Agony, Miles Johnston

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Like a headshot

The Christmas period was a nightmare for me. Terribly stressful. Earlier fights and yelling opened up many childhood and teenage wounds. I remembered memories that I had forgotten for years or decades because my brain had hidden them from me. It erased them and I always hoped they were gone forever. These memories and all the feelings associated with them are like bodies emerging from the pitch black and each tearing a piece out of me. Then the same memory comes to mind again, or another one, and the figures tear out another one and another one. I felt my soul bleed out…

I experienced Christmas as fake, superficial and forced. My birthday is the same, because apart from my family members, not a single friend greeted me. Everyone has forgotten me. Everybody. That's why I didn't even have a birthday, there was no cake, no party, no presents, so I decided that I hadn't even aged a year. I deserve an extra year!

V spent New Years in a ski resort and invited me to join him. But the plane ticket would have been very expensive for me, not to mention the accommodation and skiing (which he offered to pay for, but I couldn't accept it) and I couldn't even take a day off from work, so I couldn't go... and R also invited me to a party and everything was going well until the day before when he canceled it. R gave a rather evasive answer, and it was very disappointing, especially since he thought he was in time so that I could plan something else… So on New Year's Eve, I was alone, drank palinka and went out into the city and watched with strangers and couples as Budapest was flooded with fireworks.

I was so lonely that my chest broke...

I have terrible headaches. Up to dizziness, nausea, uncontrollable breathing and crying. I sweat and my limbs are cold, I often don't feel the temperature, I'm not cold, I'm not hungry or thirsty, there were days when I just lay there and couldn't open my eyes. I have no energy, I can't move around the apartment, but I can't fall asleep. January is slowly coming to an end and I realized that I haven't slept in a month and a half (just 3-5 hours a day, and that's horrific).

Weeks passed like this. My family members tried to talk to me, but they complain a lot about each other (for reasons) and I can't add to that. I feel smaller and smaller. I visited them a week ago because I thought I could stand their company, but I couldn't. I locked myself in the room and couldn't stand to get up, look at them or speak to them. We had a fight that morning when I got home. I mean, I just ran away…

By the end of January, I seem to be pulling myself together. I talk more with my friends, I went skating, V and I wrote more recently and talked about seeing each other this year (he still lives two thousand kilometers away, but it seems he hasn't forgotten about me and that's warm me up), and I finally reconciled with R as well. It is true that sometimes he says things that hurt me, but at the same time I am not well either, and my reactions are also because of my wounded soul, not only because R is so hot & cold with me. It's true both but not fair, but none of us are perfect. And I can (have to) accept it.

But I always remind myself of my goals and how crappy the last month and most of my teenage years have been, and I promise myself that I won't let myself down again.

I've had a shitty month, but now I'm looking to the future. I learn more. I'm working on my motorcycle license, I'm studying to be a photographer (my coworkers support and are happy for me), I go to the library to study aaaand sleep a little haha, my friends and colleagues motivate me in training and running, I'm learning Spanish and soon I'll be taking guitar lessons. I still love playing on the playstation, and I want to finish The Last of Us again! I still go to the animal shelter to walk dogs, but unfortunately it only happens once a month due to studying and my work. I miss the dogs, but I will see them this week :) I tried 1-2 new restaurants and cafes this month, so that if I eat a little, at least it's delicious. But the goal is still to train with a high protein intake, so that's what I'm going to focus on!

This cinnamon and chocolate roll is my new favourite snack while I'm at the library 🤍

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I’ll never allow myself to be tamed again

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Megbántam, hogy megszülettetek

Nem emlékszem hány éves voltam, amikor ez a mondat elhangzott. De emlékszem, hogy én és a bátyám az ágyon ültünk, fogtuk egymás kezét és összehúztuk magunkat. Sötét volt a szobában, a másik helységből szűrődött át a fény. Nem láttam a szüleimet, és ha a közelünkben voltak is, nem emlékszem másra, csak a jelenlétükre és halvány árnyékokra.

...

A mostani karácsony ennek az emléknek a fekete fényében telik.

A utóbbi években a családom tagjai egyre jobban eltávolodtak egymástól (és tőlem). Ha együtt töltünk egy kis időt többnyire jól viselkedünk, de azért mindig vitatkozunk vagy megsértődünk egy kicsit. A rokonaimmal bármikor beszélek, inkább negatívumokat mesélnek egymásról és az életükről, mint pozitívumot. Vagy csak megvonják a vállukat és azt mondják, nem történt semmi különös. A jó emlékek elenyészőek. Ilyenkor mindig eszembe jut a tinédzser énem, aki a depressziós, szorongásos, önbántalmazásos és evészavaros szenvedésen többnyire átlendülve azt várta, hogy egyedül élhessen, hogy végre össze tudja kaparni magát és egészséges, tisztességes életet biztosítson magának. A vitázós családomból való (nagyjából) kilépéssel és a toxikus, bántalmazó kapcsolatom után végre sikerült is megteremtenem magamnak az életet, a nyugalmat, a fejlődésem és a sikerem. Erre mindig büszke leszek!

A múlt héten volt egy jó napom a munkahelyen. Aztán valahogyan eszembe jutott ez az gyerekkori emlék, hogy a létezésem nem kívánatos és meg sem kellett volna születnem. Ezzel a gondolattal mentem délután vásárolni, majd csalódottan hazajöttem és rájöttem, hogy nagyon szomorú vagyok. A mellkasomba megült a bánat, az arcom nehéz lett és mozdulatlan. Néhány órával később a testvérem írt nekem, hogy vita volt a családomban és újra elhangzott ez a mondat ... ! Felhívtam őt, beszélgettünk, próbáltam megvigasztalni őt. Hallgattam, ahogy elmeséli az egész sztorit én pedig szipogtam és a könnyeimmel küzdöttem.

Bár korábban is tudtam, hogy ő is emlékszik erre az estére, erre a mondatra, most jöttem rá, hogy itt bent mélyen a szívében ő is érzi azt amit én. A mélységes fájdalmat és ürességet, ami felemészt. Azóta nem tudok kimászni ebből a veremből, amibe a régi gyermek-énemnek is a fél életem arán sikerült csak kikecmeregnie.

Idén, ahogy korábban bármikor, a karácsonyt a családommal fogom tölteni. Már ez előtt a történet előtt is feszült voltam a dolog miatt, de ezután már abszolút elvesztettem az irányítást az érzelmeim felett. Csak a viselkedésemen tudok állítani, ahogy másokkal beszélek, ahogy megjátszom magamat, ahogy felveszem a karikaturisztikus mosolygós álarcot és úgy csinálok, mintha minden rendben lenne.

Már a tesómnak is feltűnt, hogy szarban vagyok. Hogy nem vagyok beszédes, laza és önfeledt. Csöndes vagyok, nem tudok az emberek szemébe nézni. Többnyire senkiébe (maximum erőltetem, hogy normálisnak tűnjek). Alig viselem el pár ember közelségét, érintését. Hányingerem van, nem nagyon érzek éhséget, sem a hideget (Fázós vagyok, de az egyik nap kb. nulla fokban, orkánban és havasesőben lementem a boltba a karácsonyi vacsorához bevásárolni egy pólóba és egy szimpla szövetkabátba. És nem éreztem semmit). Alig ittam 1-2 pohár kávét vagy vizet egész nap, a bőröm az ajkam száraz, mar a szomjúság és sokat szédülök. Fáradt vagyok és mentálisan teljesen kimerült.

Régóta nem voltam ilyen állapotban. És most félek. Szorongok. Pánikolok. Kívül síri csend, belül minden idegszálam retteg. Elvesztettem az erőm, amit felépítettem magamban és ez ijesztő.

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R or V (?) 2/3

Soooo.... V went home in the summer after the biker festival and I haven't seen him since. We exchanged messages, but we stopped soon. We didn't talk for months (sometimes we liked each other's insta pics, but we were silent). Then at the end of November, V wrote to me that he was in Hungary, would I like to meet him?

I worked until the evening, and he arrived in Budapest around that time. We finally met. I was very excited because I didn't think I would remember after all this time. He brought chocolate and perfume, which I didn't expect at all, I was very embarrassed… When we met, we just hugged each other, which was fine, no intrusion. (He come with a van, not motorbike.)

We went to a pub where we tried to get coffee, but then they only served beer…it was quite funny because the waitresses tried to help us overcome the language barrier, but I explained to them that there was no common language. We still communicate only in writing or with a dictaphone. They smiled and gave us time to figure out what we wanted to drink… I talked a lot with V, and finally we walked around the city. We looked at the night lights and the Danube.

It was super cold and the wind was blowing, we started to get cold. V once held one of my hands and warmed it with his, once the other. He was kind, reserved and polite. We went back to the van and it came up, where should we go next? hmm....

He said he was hoping to spend the evening together with me… I expected, he to bring up the subject Hahaha… but since he didn't mention it during the evening I wasn't nervous… but than I was very confused and so was he.. We just looked at each other stealthily from the two ends of the van and smiling cautiously… V took my hand, caressed it and I leaned closer, he touched my face gently… We kissed each other, many times. His kisses were open, his lips moving with desire, soft and slippery, his beard soft and his skin warm and silky, he had good scent. I liked feel his tonge on mine. I melted.... ⚡🌊 The next moment his hand slid to my thigh and squeezed it, and I felt my whole body go numb. I felt the electric shock in every pore, on my face, on my skin, in my stomach… ⚡🔥 I didn't remember being so strongly affected by his proximity before, but from that moment on, I knew the feeling was mutual: I wanted to be with him tonight. So I nodded. He looked at the hotels in the area, but unfortunately he couldn't find any available rooms. It is true that many tourists visit Budapest in summer, but the city is also a very popular destination in autumn.

I took his phone and entered my address and he started the van and off we went…

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R or V (?) 1/3

As I told you earlier, R got sick. We asked each other how we were doing a couple of times, but the conversation didn't last long. Then one night, he wrote to send me photos of myself, because that would surely cure him. We flirted for a while, I drank wine 🍷🎸🔊 and listened to music, put on my sexy white lace underwear and took some photos… I asked him too, but I didn't get it. Then we argued about why not and why only I should… in the end I didn't send the pictures and of course he didn't send any. I was quite disappointed. He was so willful, nothing playfulness, which I didn't like, and in the end he got offended because we had different opinions. He said he doesn't send me a picture of himself because he asked for me first, so he's fair and therefore strict. Ehh....

When I got sick earlier, we arranged a new dating right away, but when he got sick, he just said "We'll meet when my ... is working again"… then came the picture-requesting situation… I asked him once or twice if he was feeling better, to which the answer was affirmative, but nothing extra. He didn't talk to me on his own unless I asked. That was three or four weeks ago… So this is his dark side, I think… no matter what happens between us, if he gets offended, if he doesn't get what he wants, he punishes me by cutting me out of his life and ignoring me.

One day he just wrote:

I'm still mad at you because of the past thing.

I feel - I answared (this was 3 weeks ago)

...

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Heart Shaped Churros ♡ (x)