wishingfornever

[wishingfornever]

2/28/2018 – No Contact:  Peewee Herman

Current time, 11pm.  Worked 8 to 4.  30 minute break.  So exhausting.  I was told I was Peewee Herman personified.  That’s a compliment… I think.  A testament to my quality customer service.  Of which, people were nice to me again today.  Of course they were…

I realized the reason they’re so nice is because my job has been asking me to do surveys and they’d like to let me know that they think highly of me before doing those surveys.  My boss’s boss, his name is Jeff…  I’m told Jeff LOVES me.  I don’t know how to feel about that.  Another store manager of a different Dollar General told my store manager that she wanted me for herself.

I guess I’m my store’s hidden gem.  Which, I’ve noticed, isn’t exactly difficult.  This morning, I had to put away… SO much. Like, they didn’t do anything last night.  Were they busy?  Idk. Suddenly, I no longer feel bad for being unable to finish my job.  At least I try.

That said, remember Dan?  The manager I often close with?  His wife died last night.  Found her on the toilet, apparently.  Poor guy.  I feel he was on the verge of rebellion already.  Like, he’s giving up on the store definitely.  So, something like this… I don’t know. I’m kinda uncertain of how things will turn out while working with him.

Berenice is nice to me.  I don’t know if I mentioned her but she’s one of the managers at work who is usually really angry all the time.  She’s not afraid to cuss in front of customers.  She let’s people know how she feels when she feels it. Renowned for being stern and kind of off putting, I suppose.  But she’s SUPER nice to me.  Like, she gives me food randomly.  Last time I saw her, I got an apple pie.  I was like… gasp.  Before that, Chinese.  Remember that?  I think I mentioned how there was chicken and I felt bad.

I didn’t get much sleep last night.  Got home so late, opened the door to the back, let Max out, filled his food bowl, and let him back in.  Went upstairs to waste 30 minutes before walking him…  fell asleep in the least comfortable position possible.  Oof.  Adela came home before I woke up.  Felt a little ashamed because I didn’t walk Max and Adela got here later than usual.

No response from Esther.  I don’t understand why she doesn’t flatout block me.  Doesn’t matter.  I gave her the option to let me know. I may have filled her in on my plans.  She thinks it’s just me trying to be a narcissist again, so whatever.  Eh…

Tomorrow, I need to clean up my room.  It’s a mess.  I don’t have sheets on my bed.  I wrap myself in a blanket and just try to sleep.  Tomorrow, Max won’t let me sleep in because he’s an asshole.  -,-

Normally I could sleep through his pestering but not lately.

Oh, random thought.  On Esther’s porn blog, there is this gif of her slapping her own ass with a lollipop.  She slaps it, it breaks, and it sort of pauses like she said, “Oh, shit.”  What happened was that was my lollipop because hers was broken or something?  Can’t recall.  But my dad got us both lollies and she thought it’d be a cute gif to make.  Or maybe I did?  I don’t recall.

What I do recall is me yelling, “WOMAN!!!” when it broke us laughing about it afterwards, though I was a little distraught.

I bring this up because at the store, it’s easter stuff being put up. One easter item is this marshmallow lollipop and I thought, “Esther would love this.  I should get her one and then tell her this one won’t break.”

Then I had to remind myself that she has distanced herself as much as possible from me.  I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.

I pigged out last night before bed and a little bit today.  I probably gained weight.  I’m an idiot.  I’m way behind schedule.  If I lose 10 pounds a month, I’ll hit 200 in four months.  Probably going to be 5 but it probably won’t be at all considering my random piggy sessions.  -,-

Next month is March. So, I’ll say I ended Feb on 240.  Christ, not hitting my goal weight until AFTER I turn 27.  Ugh…  What happened?

I’m going to play VIDYA GAMES and be counterproductive.  I probably should work on my new book.  My old book… it won’t ever get published.  It’s probably shit anyways.  Valiant effort, though. Next book… will probably also be shit.  I had so many aspirations and goals.  They’re dying off, though.

Heh… life, eh?

[wishingfornever]

2/27/2018 – Limited Contact:  Niceties

People are nice to me… and I can’t handle it.  People were nice to me yesterday.  A child said, “My mom says you’re the nicest person she’s ever met.”  I responded without thinking, saying, “I don’t know why.  I’m such… a jerk.”  I caught myself at the end.  Felt bad.  Child smiled and left.  He comes in a bit.  I can’t remember his mother but I remember him.  He has one of those haircuts where the barber said, “Fuck this kid!” and cut a design into his head.

Regardless, I felt like crying yesterday.  Today, I did nothing but lay in bed. I work in about 8 hours… current time… almost 12.  D’oh.

Sent another message to Esther.  Told her that I was surprised she hadn’t blocked me yet but I guess she doesn’t actually care.  I told her I’d probably delete the tumblr I used in about a week.  Afterwards, idk.  Really, should call these posts Unilateral Contact.  I considered it but thought that’d ruin the surprise.

Esther doesn’t message me back.  Surprise!

Eh…  It’s fine. I know she doesn’t want to talk to me because I’m a narcissist or whatever.  Knowing she thinks that… that’s why I lose my shit when people call me nice.  When people are nice to me… people are so nice to me.  Why?

I was told by a guy a week or so ago that there is this review page on Facebook.  On the Dollar General for where I work, there is this LONG list of reviews just… filled with people talking about me.  Saying the kindest things.  People think of me as that guy who is always smiling.  Then there are those who tell me that life is going to get really rough so I won’t always be smiling.

I’m not in a good position right now. Depression is coming in full flux.  But I smile anyways.

Oh, got a job offer a couple days ago.  Allstate insurance.  I’ll take it when I can.  For now, I suffer.  Dollar General will wear me down but I’ll figure out how to get a better job soon.  I feel like I’m in Amarillo again.  I have several opportunities before me and all I want to do is roll over and die… -,-

Almost 1.  I need to do the dishes and go to bed.  I’m pretty tired so I think I’ll be more rested than I usually am.  Fucking Max.  I’m legitimately starting to hate that dog.  He is SUCH a fucking brat. -,-

Enough. I’m headed out.  Talk to you tomorrow.

[wishingfornever]

2/26/2018 – No Entry

On this day, there was no journal entry.

[wishingfornever]

2/25/2018 – No Entry

On this day, there was no journal entry.

[wishingfornever]

2/24/2018 – Partial Contact:  Futility Embodied

I’m not sure if she got my message.  I messaged her earlier today, she seemed to ignore it but didn’t flat out block me.  So, I just asked her.  I didn’t remember to write down what I wanted to say because I’m a bit intoxicated but I tried to be very concise.  I think I messaged her right before the turn of midnight so technically yesterday.

Regardless, it roughly went like “I’ll ask anyways, this is important.  Do you mind if I use your real name or not as well as an image of you; If you block me then I’ll assume you don’t mind.  You’re beautiful.”

Was longer on Tumblr…  I’ll keep you guys posted.  I was drinking.  Caught the stream didn’t drink as much as I thought I would have.  Still, a little intoxicated at the moment.  I’m gabbing with other members of the community.  WHOLE political discussion.  No longer going on.  They still accept me though.

Peace.

Heh, I might have also become someone’s patron.  In the discord or whatever.  I did it for reasons, mostly because I wanted to propose things.  Moderators in the discord, a channel for introductions or whatever.

Still, getting kind of late.  I work today.  At about 3?  I close.  So, it’s going to be one of those nights… thing is, I was falling asleep in the stream.  So, I will probably nod off soon.  Not preferable but whatever.

Didn’t call my dad but that was conscious.  I chose not to.  I had the option to, considered it but decided against it.  A lot happening.

Btw, I think I might be a little cock eyed.  There goes my self-esteem. :/  Good night.

Current time 10:30.  Very slight hang over.  Esther has yet to block me but yet to respond as well.  Maybe she’ll just avoid talking to me. I’ll give her a week and message her again informing her that I’ll do whatever.  Write something sweet and continue fucking off, never to be heard from again until I have a better excuse.

Walter just messaged me.  An old friend from high school is depressed he suspects.  Not going to message him yet.  Tired.  And Max is being a brat.  Adela just dropped him off and he wants to go outside.  Not sure what his problem is.  :/

A couple days ago, when he was trying to go outside when Adela just dropped him off, I held my phone in my hand and he kept following it. I used it to my advantage to watch videos on my computer.  He’d move to wherever my hand was to interfere with what he thought had my attention.  In reality, that was just to keep him away and not walk over my laptop.

Procrastinating. Bad habit, that.  Before I take a shower and go, I’m listening to music for the shower.  One of the songs I’ve added recently depicts dueling in the mid 18th century.  Perhaps early?  Not important.  The point is, it reminds me of the people who say, “I wish dueling was still allowed, there would be a lot less offended people.”

These people are idiots because they assume that the offended person will take offense and then because they’re offended, you get to challenge them to a duel and rightly kill them. When in actuality, the people who are offended will be the ones challenging you to a duel.  You fail to see which side gets to declare a duel.  You don’t declare a duel when you’re offending someone.  That’s murder.  No, the offended party challenges YOU to the duel.

Really, the people who wish dueling was allowed fail to consider that they’d be the ones who’d suffer most in that world.  Surely, they’d always be challenged to duels because they’re inept asses.  But, honestly, they have a pretty good chance of surviving the duel.  As would their opponent.  The purpose of a duel isn’t always supposed to be to the death.  You’re risking your life to uphold your honor, not throwing away your life.  If you get shot, you can still walk away.  If you get stabbed, you can still walk away.  Dueling isn’t about killing someone who pisses you off.  It’s about honor and if you don’t care that you’re offending someone, then you probably don’t have much honor to uphold anyways.

Alright. Time for shower.  Then work.  Then maybe… well, I’ll probably return tomorrow.  Until then, good night.

[wishingfornever]

2/23/2018 – Partial Contact:  I’ve Done It

I messaged her.  I started off saying she was “pretty” rather than beautiful.  This is because she is but also because everyone has been calling her beautiful on her Tumblr.  I would have said more, but I didn’t want to oust myself immediately.  I need to ask her. Honestly, I’ve thought to myself that maybe this is all just an excuse to talk to her.

Maybe.

I’ve made a new tumblr account just to talk to her.  I won’t reveal it because I’ll probably delete it once she blocks me.  I asked her if I could ask a question which is innocent enough.  Ended it without punctuation and with the word “tho.”  Didn’t double space my sentences either.

Did that all at about 1:30.  In the meantime, let me tell you about my morning.  Max, the brat that he is, pestered me to let him out.  I let him out and he immediately goes to Adela’s room.  I tell him, let’s go outside and he follows but is kind of reluctant.  I let him out back and he doesn’t pee.  I let him back in when he wants to come back in.

All he wanted was to be let out of the room.

However, I’m not in the checking on him sort of mood so I decided to bring him back to the room and try to catch up on some sleep.  This disappoints Max to no end, but he realizes that I knew what was up so he stopped trying to get out and frumpily laid to my side as I slept some more. He woke me up again at 11 and I let him out, he peed, and I didn’t force him back in the room.  Door is open, he’s allowed to come in or leave if he so pleased.

This was probably a bad day to contact Esther.  I’m actually going to be drinking… a little.  Maybe more?  Yeah.  Got involved with this streaming community on Twitch.  Found the guy on Youtube a while back, thought he was really funny.  Ended up watching his Youtube vids, then his streams, and now… well, now I am wrapped up in hanging out with people who also watch him.  There is this one fellow, who was drinking from 2009 from what his twitter shows but perhaps more.  He’s an accountant like Adela but also former military.

He’s taken a strong liking towards me because I’m funny, creative, and charming.  He LOVES my poetry.  Like, basically a bromance.

Sounds a little gay, but I like him too.  Not sexually (maybe if he were cute and not married already) but I feel appreciated.  Strangely enough, I feel like… well, did I tell you about when I used to be in an Orc Only RP guild?  I think I have.  Those were my WoW days and where I discovered I had a natural flair for poetic nonsense.

This community reminds me of my Orc Only RP guild days.  Sort of early on where I wasn’t an officer, just rising through the ranks and killing Alliance.  Oof.  A lot of nostalgia…

Anyways, there is a stream tonight and my Bromantic Partner and I tend to do shots if the streamer does certain things.  I intend to head out before Adela gets back to grab some chasers so when I get intoxicated, I can have something to clear my pallet with.  Oh, and I’m ordering a pizza tonight.  Going for… 7 again.  Or 6:45. Doesn’t really matter, it’ll be too early anyways.

Whatever, not the point.  The point is I will be walking to Dollar General, picking up some soda, then walking back.  I also want to see if my hours changed during the week.  Or if I got fired.  We’ll see.

Current time is 2:00.  I’ll check Tumblr again, where I’m reaching out for her, in about an hour.  In the meantime, I’ll do some reps with my weights, take a shower, brush my teeth, just get my self nice and clean before I vomit all over myself later.

So… I tried relighting the candle.  It refused to light.  So, I tore some paper off, set a piece of it on fire.  I had a picture up and I prayed to the men in the picture.  Ernesto “Che” Guevara and Fidel Castro.

I’m getting desperate, can you tell?

I asked for their strength, their wisdom, their guidance, and to bring Esther back to me.  She hasn’t responded yet but I’ll message her again before the day is through if I have to.  Whatever the case is, I promised Che and Fidel that I would dedicate my life to the revolution and I would not rest until the revolution is global.

It… probably isn’t a good thing that I’m making these theological promises to men, but I’m desperate.  I ask for the infinite wisdom of the universe but then it occurred to me that I should ask someone whom I idolize.  There is a lot of belief and intention with the “magic” of the universe, for lack of a better word.

I’m not a spiritual person, but I had something to promise to Che and Fidel.  And I intend to keep my word should Esther return to my arms. How that will happen, I don’t know.  I’m hoping she’ll pity me maybe.  Idk.

Whatever, the point is if Esther returns I’ll embrace Communism and I’ll press Communism even further.  If she doesn’t, then I can continue being a casual Communist.  I promised dedication and devotion to a cause grander than me and all I ask in return is to be complete again.

What cheese, I know.  Regardless, it gives me a bit of hope but the room smells like burning paper.  There is a fire alarm and I’m glad it didn’t detect the smoke.  Had to open a window.  It was a mess. Unfortunately, my prayers may have been for nothing but the intend as well as the flame was there, sort of.  More embers, really, but it won’t prove that my prayers weren’t answered just that they may have not been received.

Theology is hard for someone without faith.  But I’m embracing something for my own sake so hopefully it’ll pay off later.  For now, I’m getting ready to drink.

I still have half a bottle of bourbon and vodka for the stream tonight. This is basically me drinking with friends without actually being there.  So, I also grabbed snacks for myself, not that I’d need it. I’m pretty decked out.  Tried grabbing store brand cola, root beer, and ginger ale.  The Root beer is for next week.  Stumbled upon a site that tells you what goes good with what.  For drinking and bartending or whatever.

Point is, I’m going to expand my options.  This week, I have Coke Zero and Ginger Ale.  I think I’ll do bourbon tonight, vodka tomorrow. Finish my bottles this weekend then next weekend, I go out and grab some more.  I want to try Schnapps.  Never have, but I hear it’s good.  Schnapps and rum next week.  Maybe more.  We’ll see.

[wishingfornever]

2/22/2018 – No Contact:  Siesta Thursday

I woke up at 8… fell asleep.  Woke up at 11.  Fell asleep.  Woke up at 1.  Staying awake.

Several dreams.  The first dream was about my boss’s boss’s boss. Supposed to be a woman.  Dreamed I was speaking with her but I can’t remember her face.  Makes sense, since I have yet to see her face. Second dream… Esther.  This one was different than recent Esther dreams.  We were sitting in a room with other people, I was bored and she asked me if I wanted to read an article for couples who broke up and are trying to get back together again.  I considered not going, but I reminded myself that I’d do everything I can to keep her. So, I said, “Actually, I would like that very much.”

Finally, the last dream I had, I was reminded that Esther and I no longer speak to each other and this saddened me.  I fell asleep and I was crying, speaking to these people who weren’t really there.  The room was dark.  It was night.  There was this woman there as well as several others.  The woman wasn’t Ariel, but I had told this woman I loved her but I could never love her as much as I love Ariel.  Then while I was crying, I rolled over to see the door open.  I was alone at this time and I thought it was this same woman and I told her I’m sorry when she approached me.  She got close enough and I tried to kiss her but she pulled back.  As did I.

I realized it was my cousin, and apparently she was fired from her job and she was massively depressed, though she wanted to be fired.  I reassured her, she left my room, I looked outside to this alleyway (that isn’t there in rl, it’s just these apartments out my window) and I saw a lot of rain.  A lot of Mexicans too, like we were actually in Mexico and not a part of Houston that is heavily populated by Mexicans… which wouldn’t be too inaccurate to say, tbh.

Regardless, something told me they were Mexicans.  I saw a couple walk down the street and I was jealous.  Then I saw a man hit another man on the back of his head with a club.  Then the police came.  It was a mess.

Perhaps that dream was a reminder that I worry too much about myself when the world outside my window has… well, the burdens of the world.  Criminals, cops, and lovers.  Idk.

Anyways, the Boss’s Boss’s Boss.  Triple B.  She was supposed to inspect the store today.  Yesterday, I closed.  I did a poor job but I discovered… energy shots make my nose itch.  It makes sense but I don’t have concrete evidence just yet.  It’s very peculiar. Might have something to do with stress?  Idk.

Customers are nice to me at work.  I don’t know how to react.  Several days ago, a woman tried to give me a bag of potato chips and a liter of pepsi.  I told her I don’t drink soda and don’t like chips.  She was nice and I felt horrible for saying no.  Yesterday, I had a can of pringles and a two liter of root beer.  I feel like an ass.

Of course, I hated the pringles and the two liter was to fix my water bottle which had become so dented I needed some carbonation to undent it.  Worked great, btw.

I was given a box of chinese food from a coworker.  Walked home with that.  I have to say, it wasn’t my finest moment.  Reason being is that there was chicken in it.  I felt bad for that.  I’m trying to be as vegetarian as possible.  :/

Regardless, I ate everything.  So consider 21st of February the last day I had meat.  I’ll count until the next day I inevitably cheat. We’ll see.

My manager, the one I closed with last night…  I legitimately think he hates Mexicans.  Dan is his name.  He’s the one who referred to customers as “Wetbacks” and on Monday (several days ago) said kid’s in the store were running loose because their parents were irresponsibly drinking and having a party a little bit down the way. I said “Oh, it’s Monday.  Mondays are the worst days for partying.”

“Mexicans don’t care,” he said.  “They party every night if they could and we have to deal with their kids because of it.”

The last comment, though perhaps not blatantly racist, didn’t sit right with me.  The way he said Mexican… that was an issue I had.

Ironically, I had mentioned to the store manager (Jack) of Dan’s “Wetbacks” comment and how it caught me SO off guard.  This wasn’t me reporting, I was just gabbing.  That day when he said “Mexicans don’t care,” I found out he told Berenice, a shift manager like Dan.  I asked him not to tell Dan about it.  I don’t want to get involved in Workplace drama and if he knew I was gossiping, there would be a major conflict of interests and working would be… difficult.

I hate working with Dan.  He smells, his breath smells, and he’s kind of a hassle.  Bad days are made worse with him.  I don’t have a lot of faith when working with him.  He complains A LOT.  Like so much. One of those.  I try to be polite, but god damn.  Like, he swears up and down that the store would fall apart without him (not those exact words, mind you).

Admittedly, he’s the only one who can do some chores because he is the only manager with a car.  But, still.  Some of the places he claims to have organized are kind of… crap.

I wonder if I’m just too extensive in my job or if everyone has phoned it in.  I swear I’ve phoned it in but I’ve been wrong before.

So, remember how I wanted to message Marjane Satrapi?  Ask her for advice?  Not feeling so confident, so I won’t be doing that.  I looked, and it’s probably a fan page I saw.  I don’t have any chance in hell to get guidance from her.

It’s a shame. When she stopped identifying as Iranian, I could relate.  When growing up, I pretended I wasn’t Mexican.  My dad sort of made it out to be bad, so I thought so too.  Now, I don’t want to identify as American but I don’t have anything else to be.

Dennis used to give me a hard time calling me, “Half-Breed.”  A lot.  It hurt more than I’d let on, but I ignored it.  Whenever I mocked him, he was quick to say, “omg, wtf dude?!” but I never pointed it out.  I guess I would have when dealing with Esther, but I was too emotional then.  Might still be now.

He also called me “Mama’s Boy” a lot with Adriana which wasn’t as bad as half-breed because it was always my dad I had to call or whatever.  I knew otherwise but half-breed… eh.

Whatever.  Not trying to shit on Dennis for busting my balls.  We all did it.  Shane was the worst at it, though.  Like, laughably bad.  Fun times.

Right, Marjane.

I was hoping to get into a discussion with a fellow Marxist and discuss life… how to approach my dad, tell her about Esther, tell her my troubles, just… I need someone I feel I can relate with.  Someone wiser than me.  I won’t get that with my parents because my dad is part of the problem and my mom is too invested in me.

I really feel alone.

Tomorrow, I’ll message Esther.  I’ll call my dad, too.  Esther I will try to make quick.  I’ll ask her if she’ll want me to change her name or whatever.  Try to keep her identities secret.  If not, I’ll keep the names how they are because… well, I’m lazy and I really don’t feel like changing ALL the names on a whim.  But if she wants me to, I’ll listen.  If she blocks me without saying a word, then I’ll assume she doesn’t mind.

Whatever the case, I’ll make it quick.  Let her know I still care… perhaps she’ll see that and open up dialogue again.  Won’t amount to much, but if there is a chance then this is the way to get there.

Of course, the worst case scenario is she blocks me immediately.  The most likely scenario is that she messages me to tell me “Change my name” and then blocks me without saying anything else.  The second to best case scenario is that she tells me to change her name, tells me she wishes me well, and then blocks me.

I can almost guarantee dialogue beyond that.  Life hasn’t been kind to me, but… idk.  Maybe sometime this year, things will get better.

Strangely enough, despite what’s happened since January, I feel like this may be my year.  I mean, it started poorly… and continues to be mediocre, but there are a lot of things that are being released that appeals to my interests.  Like, Age of Empires Definitive Edition is released (not for steam yet).  Kingdom Come Deliverance (which has a bad title) is supposed to be pretty neat, if you can get past his HUGE forehead.  Rome II Total War has more DLC being released for it for SOME FUCKING REASON.  Doki Doki Literature club is a graphic novel about poetry… poetry.

I can’t play of these things, yet.  Like, AoE isn’t for steam or Windows 8, KDC is too graphically intensive, Rome II DLC hasn’t been released yet or I refuse to get at full price, and DDLC is free to download but I won’t be downloading it yet.  Why not?  I don’t know, I figure I’d wait a little while to play through it myself but it’s already been spoiled for me so no rush.

Adela didn’t go to work today.  She was too sick.  Which is great because Max wasn’t in here.  So, I sort of slept in if you say taking a nap at about noon is sleeping at noon.  I have yet to eat and it’s 5. She’s going to barre soon and she’ll leave Max with me.  I think I’ll do some exercise, weigh myself after, have breakfast, then do the dishes.

I look a lot thinner than I used to.  I’ve lost a lot of belly weight.  I also feel stronger than I have in months.  I’ve never felt stronger which is perhaps to say I’ve never been weaker.  I’m ashamed to admit that.  But, I’ll get over it.

Speaking of getting over it, Max is in the room now.  He is something of a pest as of late and has been avoiding me.  He used to be super chill with me but something’s happened.  Now when we’re in the same room, he pesters me until I let him out.  He REALLY doesn’t want to even be in the same level as me.  Like, he waits downstairs when I’m in the room and when I’m downstairs he’ll be upstairs.

Hrm… Perhaps this started when we stopped giving him treats?  I can’t even remember.

He was walking over the keyboard as I was typing.  Unfortunately, his anxiety worsened when discord went “BLEEP” and that scared the crap out of him.  So, that makes him want to walk on the keyboard. And Max has the worst breath (not as bad as Dan’s, though).

Now that I think about it, everyone at work has bad breath.  I hate it. But I’m reminded of myself because I don’t bathe a lot when I’m depressed and I was depressed for a very long time.  :/

Eh. I’m bathing more than I ever had and I’ve never been so… emotionally unstable.  Things change, I guess.

About to walk max.  Tried to brush my hair.  Looked in the mirror. Smiled.

I look like the joker if he were chunkier and more Mexican.  The comic book joker.  The joker there is super skinny, but I have his angry looking smile.  Erm…

The reason for this is because I shaved yesterday.  No more beard.  It’ll grow back.  But… I probably shouldn’t shave.

That said, I now way 241.5 pounds.  What is that in Metric?  Not sure. The US is dumb.  But that’s pretty light.  Last time I measured myself, I weighed a bit more.  I’m still losing weight, but at a slow rate.

[wishingfornever]

2/21/2018 – No Contact:  At Risk of Contact

I’m about to make a bad decision.  I’m preparing to message Esther. It’s currently 4 in the morning.  It’s time for sleep.  Good night.

[wishingfornever]

2/21/2018 – No Entry

On this day, there was no journal entry.

[wishingfornever]

2/20/2018 – No Entry

On this day, there was no journal entry.

[wishingfornever]

2/19/2018 – No Entry

On this day, there was no journal entry.

[wishingfornever]

2/18/2018 – No Entry

On this day, there was no journal entry.

[wishingfornever]

2/17/2018 – No Entry

On this day, there was no journal entry.

[wishingfornever]

2/16/2018 – No Contact:  Mass Tragedy

There was a school shooting yesterday.  I think?  May have been the day before.  It was mentioned yesterday but I was so sleepy I couldn’t recall.

Gun control in the US… or at least the debate begins.  I was actually raised in a household with a lot of guns.  Go figure, it’s one of the reasons why Esther was SO concerned that I’d kill Dennis and why Dennis feared for his life.  OoooOOOooo.

I’m reminded that Dennis is the biggest fucking coward.  Obviously I didn’t kill him and I wouldn’t have killed him.

Whatever. Not the point.  The point is, in the US there is always a delay when talking about gun control.  Like, so much.  “Can’t talk about gun control; you’re using these victims to push an agenda.”  So, the best you can do to even bring it up is to wait… then they’ll forget about it and it’s no longer an issue.  Out of sight is out of mind, so to speak.

I’m pro gun.  I believe the populous should always have access to firearms as a whole.  As a whole.  A whole.  The individual, however, should not.

What does that mean?

It means if the individual is unfit to own a gun then they shouldn’t own a gun. Simple.  The same way that you need a driver’s license to own a car.  The difference between a car and a gun is that your car isn’t protected by the Bill of Rights.  In order to operate a car, however, you can’t be drunk and a lot of medications say you shouldn’t be behind the wheel of a car when on them.

Irresponsibility is certainly an issue.  However, that’s not the ONLY problem.

I’d like to think medications are a big part of it.  Not necessarily the medications themselves, but the reason people need them.  I’m under the impression that if the US were to embrace a healthcare system that would allow for people to afford therapists, then there would be far less shootings.  Why do I think this?

Because the US isn’t the only nation that allows guns to their population.

Iceland and Switzerland are two GREAT examples.  Switzerland has allowed their citizens and foreigners with permanent residence to own automatic weapons.  No mass shootings.  Why?

The right wingers will say because EVERYONE is armed… but that’s not true.  The left wingers will say that it’s because the government tracks EVERYTHING and you can’t fire a bullet without them knowing… but that’s also not true.

The fact of the matter is, Switzerland is actually… kind of… happy?  The US is an impoverished, third world shithole despite being the wealthiest and most first world nation in the world.  The citizenry of Switzerland aren’t impoverished and live in first world conditions despite being technically a third world nation that is renowned for it’s banks.  Not everyone is a banker, obviously.

Switzerland has a higher Human Development Index than the US.  The HDI in the US is dropping.  And when income inequality is taken into account, the US drops even more.  Switzerland has nationalized healthcare, so their people are taken care of.  The US?  That shit keeps get taken away because “muh taxes.”  Your taxes are going to the poor whether you’d like it or not, Mr American Taxpayer.  If someone is on foodstamps despite having a job, then their company isn’t paying them enough.  If you want to pay less for taxes then you should push for a higher minimum wage.

Simple enough.  Tax money goes to foodstamps, which less money can go to foodstamps if the people on foodstamps can afford their own food.  Or that taxmoney can go to medicare, like every other first world nation, so you can save a bit more later on.  In the US, prices for medical treatments are SUPER high without good reason.

The US population is relatively disgruntled.  Switzerland, which has a lot of guns themselves including FULLY automatic rifles, doesn’t have the mass shootings the US does.  It’s because the Swiss aren’t as unhappy as the US. They can get all the treatment they need to prevent wanting to murder everyone.  There is less stress and inconvenience in Switzerland.  There is just more of everything that makes a Swiss citizen human and less of everything that makes a Swiss citizen… well… American.

The US isn’t the best country in the world because it’s a country that constantly contradicts itself and ignores it’s own problems while misattributing them wholly.

At Dollar General, I see people come in from their jobs while still in uniform.  Not even like “Dollar General” jobs where you have to purchase and assemble your own uniform.  Like, legitimate customized colors with the companies name on it.  Jobs that pay MORE than just minimum wage, yet they’re still on foodstamps.  Why?  What is the purpose of having a job if it isn’t enough to keep you alive?

Of course, the shooter was 19, I think?  Apparently, he bragged about killing animals which is a clear sign of being a serial killer later in life.  He’s not the sort of person to have guns because he’s, and hear me out on this, NOT THE SORT OF PERSON WHO SHOULD OWN GUNS. Want to know what is more expensive than guns?  Therapy.

He apparently posted on Facebook really dumb things.  Like, looking back it’s obvious.  He was reported to the FBI and they couldn’t find out anything beyond his name.  Youtube should have sent them his Email address and FBI could have used that email address to look him up on Facebook, just to see if he’s posted anything similar there because Facebook has made privacy a very unpopular thing.

Don’t need to even do NSA and track him through his email and watch him closely or whatever it is they do.  Spoiler alert, they do nothing of important value.  If this guy was posting dumb shit and the NSA didn’t get involved, then they’re literally worthless.  Save some money and disband the NSA.  Not like spying on your own citizens (and our own allies) actually works, it seems.

Ugh… this is my day off.  Don’t want to get too angry… btw, time is 11am.  Been up since at least 9am.  Went to bed at about 9pm.  So, about 12 hours?  I think that’s not bad.  Catching up and I’m ready to face the day.  I’m going to relax today.  Worry about everything tomorrow.  No working on my book, no calling dad, no productivity.  This is a break day.  I want to have breakfast soon. Almost 12 and no food.  Not cooking eggs.  Going to be cereal.

But then again, a breakfast sandwich sounds pretty kick ass right about now…  Or even a regular sandwich…

So, Pizza Hut just sent me an email.  Stuffed crust large two topping pizza… for 10 dollars.  My god.  Such a brilliant deal.

Thing is, I order online so it seems that there is always access to a large two topping pizza for 7.99 and you can have it stuffed crust for 2 dollars more.  Which makes it 9.99.  If I order it like that, I literally save myself a penny…

Now, that may seem pretty dumb.  And it is.  However, they basically just sent me an email to tell me that they have a SPECIAL deal for something that I already know about and have done on occasion.  They also want a penny more for this information.

Current Time;  11:50.  I am drunk.  I was drinking as part of a stream for NGParadox.  I like him, charming fellow.  British, but he’s worth it if you can get past that shitty accent.  I went out for pizza… free pizza.  Adela didn’t have any.  She said she vomited 7 times. Jesus, I hope she’s okay, I just remembered.

I hope she gets better.  She doesn’t want pizza.  I ate most of it.  

I am drubk.  Current time is 1am tomorrow.  Relly drunk.  So drunk that I’m revealing something.  Yesterday, I was so tired I bought a candle.  Or the day before yesterday?  When I went back to work I bought a candle.  I bought a candle when I felt on the verge of blacking out from Dollar General and wrote “Esther returns to me” on it.  I am so drunk right now.  I lit it that night with a lighter nad it’s still burning.

It’s an intention candle.  I’m not sure why but I’m placing faith in the universe.  I’ve actually prayed if you can believe it.  I prayed that Esther would come back into my life.  If tht’s not pathetic, I don’t know what is.

Can you believe that? After all this time, I still care for her?  And she said I wouldn’t because I’m a narcessist.  Fuck her.  I love her regardless of what a total bitch she’s been.  It won’t help though.  There is no power in the universe, but it’s welcome to prove me wrong through delivery of Esther.  Are you there, infinite power of the universe? Did you hear my prayers?

I don’t think it did.  It gives me hope, though… thinking something divine is looking out for me. I microwaved the remaining too slives of pizza.  Finished the stream I as watching, bound to sleep soon.  Why do I care so much about her? Why can’t I just move on?  This is creepy for her… why am I such a piece of shit?

Whatever. Remind me tomorrow to share some stories about what happene when I bought alcohol.  Night

[wishingfornever]

2/15/2018 – No Contact:  Prince with a Thousand Enemies

Wasn’t able to go to sleep.  Current time is 5:40.  I left for work at 7:40. Got back at 5.  Long… long day.  I ran off three energy shots. Like, christ.  It’s a miracle I’m still going.  I need to walk max.  I fed him and I left the back door open when I let him out. Last time, I opened the cage and he just went downstairs and pissed on a rug.

So, I opened a door before letting him out.  He ran outside and sure enough, first thing he did was pee.  I had to come back upstairs to organize myself.  I took my shoes off. Hindsight, I shouldn’t have taken my shoes off.

Oof. There is a lot I have to say that I wanted to say but I’m going to choose to ignore it.  It’s no longer the day for it so it’s in the past.  If it happens again, I’ll mention it.  Was too busy.

Work ended at 4, btw.  Not sure if I mentioned that but eh.  I stayed pretty long.  Thought I was losing it.  It was far slower than it was for the last two weeks.  If it wasn’t for the time I had to wake up at, today would have been great.  No sleep… it just makes it hard. I did the dishes last night, though.  Before the clock struck midnight, mind you.  Usually, I do it in the morning while Adela is asleep and the sun hasn’t even begun to rise.  Guess that’s why I stay up so late.  :/

I’m irresponsible.

Anyways, time to do some chores.  Like walking Max… that begins with putting my shoes back on.  Thinking is hard right now.  I’m basically inebriated.  ><

Btw, remember my fingernail?  I noticed it still had an indent.  I’ll cut it out in a bit.  So, I guess my finger was still affected by Max’s bite afterall.  I think I’ll do it tomorrow.  I’m getting sleepy, tbh.  And I forgot something at work, so I’m going to go back.

I might order a pizza tomorrow.  For when Adela gets back.  I’ll pick it up in her car so I won’t have to pay a fee… or pay ten dollars just for delivery.  Pretty dumb if you ask me but whatever.  I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow.  Or… tonight?  Not sure yet.

Max and I had a good walk.  Nothing eventful.  I’m bringing it up so I can stay awake a bit longer.  Adela should be back any minute now and I’ll head out in a bit to pick up the thing at work.  It’s a menu for this Mexican delivery place.  I’ll grab it and come back.  I’ll leave my wallet here so I don’t buy anything.  I’ll walk and the reason why I’ll walk is so I’ll be safer.  I’m not fit to drive right now.  Again, feeling inebriated.

I’ve done some thinking for my book.  I know I’ll forget it but I had a TON of good ideas.  From this point forward, consider this Fantasy Novel I’m about to write titled, “Mandate.”  It’s a working title… it’ll probably be “Mandate of Ambience” or something like that.  Depends.  I have a lot of plotting to do.  And this book probably won’t be popular until AFTER I’m already dead.  Which will probably me in 2019.

Zing.

Shit.  Just realized I took my shoes off again.  D’oh.  :c

Adela is back.  Shoes are back on.  Getting ready to head out.

All the world will be your enemy and whenever they catch you, they will kill you… but first, they much catch you.  That’s Watership Down. Remember that?  The quote has been on my mind as of late.  Not sure why.  I feel… attached to that quote.  Of course, the original quote had the name “Prince with a Thousand Enemies” but still. The point gets across.

I can relate… the thousand enemies.  At times, it feels like I don’t have a friend in the world.  That I’m basically by myself.  I have no guidance.  Why would I?  I would only be lead astray anyhow.

I also feel like I’m on the verge of blacking out.  I’m so tired. The energy shot is great… now I’m finished with it and I still have to deal with the effects.  Drat.

I went to work to pick up a menu.  Considered calling but it wouldn’t be worth it.  Figured may as well go.  Then I checked my schedule. No change.  Work three days next week.  Fine by me.  I’ll consider this a vacation.  My feet hurt and my face is numb.  Head kinda hurts.

I realized I didn’t sleep much the night before.  I think I mentioned that.  So, went a few days with minimum sleep.  Probably can’t be too healthy, but it’s finished now.  My sleep schedule will surely be fixed after this.  More standard, at least.  Means I won’t be writing in the SUPER early morning.  Instead, all this will be before I go to bed I think.

Speaking of, I don’t think I write in journals correctly.  Maybe you noticed.  Maybe I noticed and I’m noticing again.  Whatever… my brain hasn’t worked correctly for months.  Damn you, Esther!  >:C

Pariah… that’s what I am.  I’m a pariah.  I’ve known this.  It’s actually a part of my name, I’ve known it for this long.  I’m used to being an outcast.  Being hated, often without reason.  Seldom do I get attached to anyone like I did with Esther.  Then, she began to hate me too… and she had a reason to.

Yet… at work. Strangers adore me.  My facade… it keeps me safe.  Keeps me from being hated further.  I smile at work and no one bats an eye… they think I’m happy.  Let them.  Let them think this.  They don’t need to know anything else beyond my enthusiasm.

I stand alone.  I’ve always stood alone.  When I was at my weakest… it’s because I’ve tried to let others shoulder my burden.  Thus, I shall attempt to prevent this from happening ever again.  Time for bed.

[wishingfornever]

2/14/2018 – No Contact:  Valentine’s Day

Work was horrible.  Technically, I was working the day before Valentine’s. I don’t actually work later which is nice.  I was taken off the morning schedule.  And we REALLY could have used a plus one tonight. It was… rough.

What else is rough is that I’m thinking about Esther.  Yeah, it sucks because I remember exactly what we did a year ago today.  We walked to the HEB and picked up a box of chocolate for Adela.  Said it was from Max.  It was nice…

I hope Dennis and her have a good Valentine’s Day.  Esther didn’t really want to celebrate, of course.  Which is why we did a thing for Adela.  I wanted to celebrate, make a thing out of it.  I hate the concept that Valentine’s Day is a SUPER capitalistic holiday, profiting off the raw emotion you feel… but the thing is, I NEVER had a girlfriend on Valentine’s day with the exception of last year.  No one has ever been my Valentine.

Life, eh?

Whatever. That’s bad for morale.  I got Adela a box of chocolate this year. Just handed it to her like some sort of barbarian.  Was nice.  It’s supposed to be chocolate covered cherries and I asked her to save me some. Esther and I devoured Adela’s chocolates last year over the remainder of the month.

I’m… not well.  I can feel the tunnel vision coming on.  Bad time for me. Also pretty early.  Almost 8 in the morning.  Not going to be a good day, methinks…  Drat.

Spoke to Ariel today.  She was bingewatching a show… the main character’s name was Esther.  Supposed to have been named Anna.  That was needlessly confusing to explain.  She wasn’t well.  Very disconnected.  She has no motivation to do anything and that’s pulling her down.

Still, glad she messaged me.  She hasn’t for a week and I thought I was being ignored.  D’oh…

It would appear that she was ignored by everyone by me.  No one noticed she was gone except for me.  She said her friends only spoke to her when they wanted something.  I don’t think I’m much better than them.  I don’t think I’m much better because I message her most when I need someone.  Been a rough week.

Walter was suicidal a few days ago.  Not sure if I mentioned that.  Talked him down a bit, however.  Not sure how effective that was.  Not sure if I did anything at all tbh.  I think I mentioned it actually.  Or at least how I should talk to him more because of that.

Oof, sorry.  I didn’t call my dad today.  This weekend… for sure.

I work at 8 tomorrow.  Current time is 12:30.  Tomorrow.  6 hours of sleep if I can manage.  Wish me luck.  I prepared for today accidentally.  x.x

[wishingfornever]

2/13/2018 – No Contact:  That Reminds Me

I stayed up last night fighting my computer.  I need to get a USB drive to save my files.  Like, when I restarted it I got “Checking_media” which immediately lead to “Gotta reboot!”

Damn computers.  -,-

I restarted a bunch before it finally lead me back here.  The regular screen.  I need to get a new computer soon.  I want something for gaming but eh.  I need something for writing first.  Best Buy keeps sending me deals, maybe I can order one from them.  I should browse their site sometime.

Just spoke to Jonny.  He suggested a few computers and we eventually decided our best option for me is to get an Acer Predator Laptop. It’s a gaming laptop of sorts.  Should last me another 6 years. It’ll be nice.

Speaking of, computer died at work today. Wouldn’t work at all, had to use the other register.  I have been breaking technology lately.  :c

Work itself was fine, didn’t work with Dan (the manager I’ve been working with, finally decided to name him) so that was nice.  Nothing against him beyond… well, a lot, but he just makes a bad day worse.

I’ve also discovered I am USELESS without energy shots.  I was only happy and giddy when I had an energy shot.  It makes me more charming and that would explain my misery I’ve been having.  I’m undersleeping because I’ve been staying up and Max won’t let me sleep in.  ><

Oh, and Eleanor messaged me.  She only messages me when something is happening.  She promises to be a better friend each time we talk because all she does is talk about her problems.  We don’t do small chat, just her venting.  I don’t mind, but I feel that’s the only thing I’m used for with her.  Kind of feeling underappreciated.

Still, I listen, give advice, build her up.  Her boyfriend certainly hasn’t been doing that.  And Eleanor does everything she can to remind me that I’m just a friend and nothing else.  Like, I get it.  I’m Friend Zoned.  I’m not trying to get laid.  You’re not Ariel. -,-

Admittedly, I share poetry I write for Ariel with her often enough.  Usually very… romantic things.  She then reminds me that I’m just a friend rather than APPRECIATING ME for the literary talent that I am. Bah!

Speaking of Ariel, we haven’t spoken at all lately.  I’m concerned.  Have I upset her?  I’ll ask.

That reminds me, I forgot to message Marjane!  I’ll need to do that soon.

That also reminds me!  I spoke to my Iranian friend.  He lives in Iran and can speak Persian, Mandarin, and English.  He’s a nice guy.  A bit younger than I am.  He was ARRESTED recently during some protests. He didn’t do anything, he was just there watching.  He was arrested by local police though, so… yeah.  They let him go.  He said he doesn’t think the local police like the Revolutionary Guard much. No one does.  Religious extremism is a cancer.

That said, he’s trying to move.  I suggested the US as a sort of joke but he said no and even if he wanted to he wouldn’t be allowed. Yeah, the US sucks right now.  He wants to move to Canada.  Has a lot of family there, perhaps.  I hope he makes it.  Iran is getting worse.  Worse than Persepolis made it seem to be… then again, that information is old.  :/

Also! That reminds me yet again!  Walter.  Spoke to him earlier today.  I mean yesterday.  Whatever.  He almost made me late for work.  He’s doing better.  Not sure if I shared this but last time we spoke, he was drunk and really SUICIDAL.  He was talked down, obviously.  By me, of course.  That’s not bragging (or is it?) but I doubt he talks to anyone else.  I mean, he claims I’m the only person he really speaks with anymore, but… well, you never know.

He’s charming but he’s not the most social.  He’s also bisexual which surprised me.

He’s super paranoid.  Thinks the world is out to get him.  He’s had a hard life, I don’t doubt it feels that way.  I’m trying to get him to calm down and continue to live life as best as possible.  He should see a therapist but I know he can’t afford one.  Not that it matters.  I doubt it’d do him any good.

Really, the only thing I CAN do is talk to him.  That’d help him more than anything.  He’s like me, in a sense.  Left to his own devices and his brain is poisoning himself.  Sort of like what happened with me and Esther…  I gave that a name…  SED.  Yeah, that’s it.  I remember making a pun.  Not sure if I wrote it out or SED it in my head.  Get it?  ;)

I could check.  Weird what things remind you of.

I wanted to reveal something about my childhood.  The only two things I remember sharing was my cousin filming me after I crapped my pants and when my dad and sister humiliated me in public.  I can’t recall.  Work drains me a lot.  I was thinking about it while I was walking to work.  I’ll remember tomorrow.

That reminds me.  I forgot to call my dad.  I’ll do it soon.  Same day I’ll message Marjane, even.  I’ll crack a joke about Charles Manson and that’ll be a fun way to start talking again.  At least… until I call him again?  Whenever that will be.  Not the best case scenario, but I’m trying.  I’ve been so busy at work.

I’m getting less days.  I needed that break.  I’m getting two consecutive days off.  Fucking… finally.  Like, god damn.  I was so exhausted.  It hurt me so much.  I can collect myself better and brace myself.  Better yet, the day I had to wake up REALLY early for? No longer a thing.  I also had an hour lunch which was nice because it meant I didn’t have to rush my meal.  I ate like a pig, though. $4 for all these added extras.  Really, would have been cheaper had I not decided to try something new.

I’m getting back into NationStates.  Not sure if I mentioned that.  Oof. I’m blaming work for my absence.  ><

I’m getting more ideas for my book.  I don’t like making a lot of characters because that’s more people and names I have to keep up with.  However, it might be worth it to have a good number of characters.  Not sure how well this will turn out.  I might consider writing a prologue.  Not sure.  I haven’t read many books with a prologue… tbh, can’t remember the last book I read.  I wanted to read Don Quixote de la Mancha but I might have left it in California. Consequences of the event, I fear.

There is a lot I want to include.  Like, I have a long list of characters and I want to include how they die or what they do before I go to bed.  I’m still adding characters.  I’m also borrowing heavily from historical sources.  I don’t want to be… too overwhelming though.  So, I’ll replace some Chinese words with regular English ones.  I fear if it ever becomes popular enough, it’ll get translated to Chinese and they’ll say, “The names are dumb.  >:C” and they’d be right.  ><

It’s getting early.  I work in 12 hours… again.  So, I need to go to bed soon.  I’ll make myself a sandwich and I’ll do JUST that.  Night. ;)

Oh, before I go.  In the event that my computer dies, I’ll continue my ranting on my phone.  How will this work?  Well, I messaged myself years ago.  Used the message between me and myself as notes.  It might not look very good but it’ll get the text over to this document in the long run.  I need to get a USB first.  Then use it to save all my documents in.  That’d be nice.  Oh, and a piece of USB port broke off.

That reminds me that I need a new computer.