yanpersonal

[yanpersonal]

Share my feelings

You know my mom and dad are not feelings sharer and neither have successful relationships i feel.

So i never had that or saw that.

Not only that, did they not listen to my feelings at all.

All my MAJOR wants and needs were neglected when i was younger. I did really try to have them heard but it was impossible and obsolete.

You don’t just heal in one day and change in one day like that.

I need someone who is understanding of my silence and closed off.

And i do have a lot of childhood trauma is true. I need someone understanding and stick by me.

I get triggered often and by many things, not gonna lie.

I carry this in my and I think I’m quite sick of it.

It’s weird cause I just don’t feel happy in my life where it’s at. And all my life and back then I felt like it was impossible to change. I was 5 years old with no money and just subjected to my fate.

I guess back in kindergarten when we would always pray to Jesus. I felt something and going to church now, takes me back. So I love that right.

And I guess God and Jesus is my only hope. And I’m so glad I have that. It’s what keeps me going when the past years I have been reliving my neglect and abandonment.

And God blessing me with a job and lifted me out of depression.

But I’m just not, still not where I want to be. And that’s true and okay to feel. Cause I was never supposed to be where I was in my childhood.

There’s more to come.

I just feel - the sharing my feelings things, need to spend more time doing that.

The being in my pain - need to spend more time doing that.

I used to be so go go go at my job, but I guess I have to take a backseat, and maybe be like, I’m not ok…..

Still not ok. I don’t know when i will be ok, but i’m not ok, and idk when i will be.

Maybe when my twinflame comes back to me for a start. A START.

And now I’m finally feeling the feelings slowly like.

Back in my childhood there was so much and tok much, I HAD to cut it off and was rly good at cutting it off. Slowly became good at cutting it off.

I just was selfless and did what others wanted me to do. And I haven’t found that security TILL NOW. It’s all in my mindset.

In terms of my money, and my emotional wellness. I feel I’m still trapped.

In terms of, my twinflame, everything.

I feel like I used to be so go go go at my job but now I’m like, if I don’t have him I don’t have anything.

It used to be my mom.

That’s another childhood story.

Idk how long I need to heal. But I’m just gonna be here broken.

Maybe when they hired me they didn’t realise my brokenness, and maybe, I also didn’t realise I had to spend time healing.

Maybe I didn’t realise how much pain and how much time I need to heal this.

I could go the rest of my life. Cut off.

But now I have God and my twinsoul.

God has been moving so much in my life. That’s so dam important and I’m so grateful.

There’s never a day He’s not there for me.

He’s getting through all my hardships, obstacles. Blessing me and keep on blessing me.

Church used to be, a place where I thought is positive thinking for me.

But now it’s just being so real to me. Changing my life.

[yanpersonal]

If I could escape

I would, but first of all let me say

I must apologize for acting, stinking, treating you this way

'Cause I've been acting like sour milk all on the floor

It's your fault you didn't shut the refrigerator door

Maybe that's the reason I've been acting so cold

If I could escape

And recreate a place as my own world

And I could be your favorite girl

Forever, perfectly together

And tell me, boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet

I know I've been a real bad girl

I didn't mean for you to get hurt

(Whatsoever) we can make it better

And tell me, boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

(Sweet escape)

Woo hoo (I wanna get away) yee hoo

Woo hoo (to our sweet escape) yee hoo

Woo hoo (I wanna get away) yee hoo

Woo hoo (yeah) yee hoo

You held me down

I'm at my lowest boiling point

Come help me out

I need to get me out of this joint

Come on, let's bounce

Counting on you to turn me around

Instead of clowning around, let's look for some common ground

So, baby, times getting a little crazy

I've been getting a little lazy

Wait on you to come save me

I can see that you're angry

By the way the you treat me

Hopefully you don't leave me

Want to take you with me

If I could escape

And recreate a place as my own world

And I could be your favorite girl

Forever, perfectly together

And tell me, boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

If I could be sweet

I know I've been a real bad girl

I didn't mean for you to get hurt

(Whatsoever) we can make it better

And tell me, boy, now wouldn't that be sweet?

(Sweet escape)

[yanpersonal]

[yanpersonal]

I feel like i’m calling myself out.

[yanpersonal]

Fact is, i never been to my malay cousin’s house even once before in my lifetime.

I found it difficult to communicate with then when i was younger due to language barrier, and i still don’t know malay at all till now. Not even close.

I never celebrated raya with them even once before? Even once??? I don’t rmb any. I just rmb my malay aunt cooking rendang but i think it was CNY or smth.

[yanpersonal]

👻

[yanpersonal]

hi mr lonely jurong boy

I’m ur twinflame 😂

[yanpersonal]

BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB

[yanpersonal]

‘THANK YOU

You made my mind up for me

When you started to ignore me’

GENIUS LYRICS

[yanpersonal]

Idk why but Sunday’s svc with Matt Redman was so friggin powerful.

The testimony also made me cry like. In the happy jumpy songs later I was tearing non stop after the testimony. Oooo

Idk why after maybe 2 years in church? Or more?

Still makes me cry like a baby. Services

I love my church not because of happy jumpy music but

Rly church still heals me and God is still a huge part of my life daily. Like new life.

After Sunday’s svc, my energy is so UP.

I can’t stop smile, even in bad conditions? Does that make sense?

I keep trying to be sad but I’m not, I’m smiling :))))

[yanpersonal]

Company meeting at 11 D:

It’s 11.01 i just got on grab ETA 1113.

In an ideal world I have energy to do shit.

Like dress nicely.

No i’m dressed nicely! But my energy.

I’m on my specs day.

I brushed my teeth at 4am so. I didn’t brush again cause i was rushing and tired and don’t know what i’m doing. I’ll eat a sweet.

No makeup.

In my mind - i thought to myself. VERY occasionally- almost once in a blue moon i dress like my lasalle days and i look rly good right (and black) and good.

But like, other than that, I don’t do that anymore.

My fashion sense here is ????

And i wanna go back to dressing well and looking good.

But even though in me I have this intention - i’m too tired.

My tattoo means self love.

Love yourself.

I love myself too much sometimes it’s like self-sabotage.

Like eating comfort food instant noodles at night.

Then i’m like. Do i wanna bring my laptop today? Me- NO I JUST DON’T WANNA BRING.

Many times it’s like that self-love. But i love myself when i’m like that!!!

I’m the lenient parent. To myself. And i love the lenient parent in me.

Being late for comapny meeting means giving money to bubble tea funds but i guess i love bubble tea

Lenient parent in me. I love her.

[yanpersonal]

I’m having a lot of pain recently due to my dad having child outside pain.

I keep feeling my TF has a child and has a son too.

And Idk if that is true, it might be or not.

But I’m sure as hell feeling a lot a lot of pain from it.

If you don’t can you please don’t have a child and come back to me?

That was what I wanted my dad to do back then.

But he had a child and left and we were never the same, never as close anymore.

And I’ve been hurting like crazy that it’s happening again.

Although things are like this, like my TF is married and all, I do wish he’d still come back to me one day. And not have a child with someone else.

Idk what I’m feeling and I’m just praying for God to be there for me in this period.

[yanpersonal]

eating bb

After a really very good day

[yanpersonal]

These days been staying in office till 2-3am

X.X

It’s 1.25AM

Going to MAMA shop to buy maggi goreng 🙂‍↕️

Listening to ‘Great is your faithfulness to me’

Promises by Maverick City Music

Infact, been listening to this song on repeat WHOLE DAY.

Tmr 11am meet my CG mates read

Battlefield of mind book club!!!!!

Then go church watch MATT REDMAN !!!

Then stay till 5-6pm for recording session with MATT REDMAN!!

Yay. Keep listening to him

And watching live.

Honestly can’t stop won’t stop listening to his song

‘Can’t stop Won’t stop’

His sabrina carpenter band members be coming too?

Yayyy

Less than a week ago

I stayed overnight in office

Then went home at like 10pm next day

I was so oily all over

And all along I worked non stop 😅😂

Didnt even have time to listen gossips!!

They were talking and i don’t even time to listen dam

That’s how busy I was!!

The feeling of going home after 36 hours and sleeping is…. good.

Recently going home at 2-3am, and i would try to read till 4am.

Oh God my life.

[yanpersonal]

This is the saddest song in my childhood.

I think I was feeling my mom’s heartbreak of breaking up with my dad or smth.

Her husband, someone she thought she could rely on.

And listening to this song a lot. Cause I was feeling the pain.

(And it was the song I was listening to when my dad found out I used his credit card. During the drive to the bank, and I kept crying cause my heart was already so broken over everything and now I’m in trouble as well.

And when my mom found out she cried and was worried the mistress would look down on her more and her kids etc. and back then when my mom cried, she’d have seizures and I’ll just be at her side calling out for her. Then another shitty day ends.

‘I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

(Oh, oh, oh, oh)’

‘Chemistry was crazy from the get-go

Neither one of us knew why

We didn't build nothing overnight

'Cause a love like this takes some time

People swore it off as a phase

Said we can't see that

Now from top to bottom

They see that we did that (yes)

It's so true that (yes)

We've been through it (yes)

We got real shit (yes)

See, baby, we been’

‘Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you, baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home ('cause I can't sleep without you, baby)’

This part is just sad cause my mom does wait for my dad to get home.

‘Anybody who's ever loved ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby’

‘I got a question for ya

See I already know the answer

But still I wanna ask you

Would you lie? (No)

Make me cry? (No)

Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?’

Hurts

‘Well, neither would I, baby

My love is only your love (yes)

I'll be faithful (yes)

I'm for real (yes)

And with us you'll always know the deal

We've been

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you, baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home ('cause I can't sleep without you, baby)

Anybody who's ever loved ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby’

See this is real talk’

‘I'm a always stay (no matter what)

Good or bad (thick and thin)

Right or wrong (all day, everyday)’

That’s my mom i guess.

‘Now if you're down on love, or don't believe

This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)

And if you got it deep in your heart

And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)’

‘Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)

(Fellas, tell your lady she's the one)

Fellas, tell your lady she's the one, oh

Put your hands up (hands up)

(Ladies, let him know he's got your love)

Look him right in his eyes and tell him

We've been

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you, baby)

And I'll be waiting up until you get home ('cause I can't sleep without you, baby)

Anybody who's ever loved ya know just what I feel

Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it

Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby’

12 year old me listening to this like 💔

It’s been years of pain and I’m still in pain. Ever since I was born maybe

‘I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you’

Yeah my childhood was FULL of pains.

And i think now it’s continuing to hurt me, my adulthood, lol.

[yanpersonal]

What if I, had a thing on the side

Made you cry?

Would the rules change up or would they still apply?

If I played you like a toy

Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy

‘Can't be getting mad what, you mad?

Can't handle that

Can't be getting mad what, you mad?

Can't handle that’

Gaslighting :(

‘Girl, go ahead and be (just like 'em)

Go run the streets (just like 'em)

Go home, missin' sleep like 'em, creep like 'em

Front wit' your friends

Act hard when you wit' 'em, like 'em

Keep a straight face when you tell a lie

Always keep an airtight alibi

Keep it hid in the dark

What he don't know won't break his heart (hey)’

My dad be secretive all his life and never share anything with me or us.

Come home really late and having affairs.

I lived in the same room as him.

My childhood just him coming back past midnight. And me wondering why this just doesn’t feel right or true at all. But idk what’s right.

‘Wish we could switch up the roles and I could be that

Tell you I love you, but when you call, I never get back

Would you ask them questions like me, like where you be at?

'Cause I'm out, four in the morning on the corner, rolling, doing my own thing’

‘Let the sun beat me home (would you like that?)

Told you I was with my crew when I knew it wasn't true if I act like you (would you like that?)

Walked a mile up in your shoes (would you like that?)

Messing with your head again

Dose of your own medicine’

Does of your medicine is real

‘

If I paged you (would you like that?)

Had friends (would you like that?)

Never call (would you like that?)

No, no, you wouldn't like that, no

What if I, made you cry? Would they still apply?

What if I, if I played you like a toy

Sometimes I wish I did act like a boy’

I basically experienced the worst kind of man with my dad. And like a lot of like. Dose of your medicine thing and. I wish I could act like a boy cause being a woman is painful.

[yanpersonal]

Why I love this song

When I was younger seeing my mom be so heartbroken over my dad.

I wish I’d see her have the strength to shake it off.

‘I gotta shake it off

Cause the lovin' ain't the same, and you keep on playing games

Like you know I'm here to stay’

Yes if someone’s not giving you their 100% just shake them off. Have higher standards.

‘Just like the Calgon commercial, I really gotta get up outta here

And go somewhere’

‘I gotta shake it off

Gotta make that move

Find somebody who appreciates all the love I give’

True, appreciates all the love I got to give 😢

My mom at least

‘Boy, I gotta (I gotta shake, shake you off)

Gotta do what's best for me

Baby, and that means I gotta (shake you off)’

Best for me (my mom :))

I think it’s just the me in me loving my mom a lot and thinking she deserves better than my dad.

‘By the time you get this message, it's gonna be too late

So don't bother paging me 'cause I'll be on my way’

I love this cause woman has so much attitude and so cool (not like sad and crying and helpless like I feel my mom was)

‘See, I grabbed all my diamonds and clothes

Just ask your momma she knows

You're gonna miss me, baby

Hate to say I told you so’

When’s the time WE WOMEN SAY BOY BYE

‘Well, at first I didn't know, but now it's clear to me

You would cheat with all your freaks and lie compulsively’

😢

‘So I packed up my Louis Vuitton

Jumped in your ride and took off

You'll never ever find a girl who loves you more than me’

This just sounds so cool again and attitude I wish my mom had.

‘I found out about a gang of your dirty little deeds

With this one and that one by the pool, on the beach, in the streets

Heard y'all was

Hold up, my phone's breakin' up

I'ma hang up and call the machine right back

I gotta get this off of my mind’

Just me sad over my dad’s cheating. And just wanted to be really cool for my mom and like say boy bye in a really cool way you know?

‘You wasn't worth my time

So, I'm leaving you behind

Yeah, 'cause I need a real love in my life’

Yes

‘Save this recording because I'm never coming back home

Baby, I'm gone (gone), don't ya know?’

YES

And for once, please regret it.

I guess this is my pain of, always wanting to be like Boy Bye, and having this attitude cause it feels like my mom never got the chance to or I never saw her do, which really hurt me. And the little girl in me be like, hurt and really hurt. And really wanting to do this for my mom.

So I’m operating in hurt although it didn’t happen to me, but then again, it FEELS like it already happened and I’m already hurt cause I absorbed A LOT of my mom’s feelings. This is just one part of it. There are so many songs.