yhellowmil28

[yhellowmil28]

all my life i suppressed so much emotions and not try to overreact cuz i know deep down people needed someone to be strong for them. I know that this has made me become a litol bit selfish, less empathetic maybe even closed off but i always put others feelings before myself and that has just been a me thing ever since. But overtime i decided to reflect and actually thought maybe im allowed to release these feelings. That its okay to be vulnerable and be unapologetic but still remain strong. Its a constant battle everyday as i go to work but maybe just maybe its okay to be messy and not in control.. kaya i envy those who can confidently show their feelings.. not only is it genuine, but its also a sign of strength

[yhellowmil28]

To Israel

“The amount of restraint i have to not let myself love and take care of you is excruciating cuz i know you wouldn’t do the same for me. Loving her was painful and youre not ready to love someone when you experienced that much unresolved trauma and chaos. The silent goodbye without closure, youve probably havent established your own boundaries. And i know i cant change that. All i wish for is for you to choose yourself and be happy. Give yourself a break and rest pow. Youre deserving of a love that encompasses all means. The one where you dont have to bend over backwards and push past your limit. You deserve a love that keeps you calm and at peace with yourself. You deserve to be seen, heard and be proud of unconditionally. And i hope you soon find that in someone or yourself in this lifetime. Good luck and God bless you always. I love you.”

[yhellowmil28]

One thing i learned this yr is that being a strong independent woman can be very difficult. You will never know what its like until u experience those days where you hit your lowest lows and have the emotional capacity to go on and get through everything by yourself.

[yhellowmil28]

Nibalik about this convo again bc niopen nman sd kas ako sala so we are going there again.. when i thought it was jst about u n jens issue ako pla ang imo gissuehan.

[yhellowmil28]

Okay ha pasabton tka. Spoiled brat isnt about u being materialistic n all its the way how u treat ur mother and its non of my business i know that but i cant help but see na murag imo rang sugosugoon imo mama bisag unsa kung kaylangan og tubig hatagan dyun ka paypay hatag dyun nya and the way i see it ikaw mn gni mas palangga basi lng sa pagtrato ni tita nmo and i applaud tita pero i dont think youre seeing where its wrong. Its the way u forget na imo ng mama. I cudnt even sugo my mom like that kaya dli ka dpat maganad. Yan lng masasabi ko sa pagkaspoil mo wla nay relation sa atung problema about trust. Knang about trust i always open it up bc ikaw mismo ang dli mkaget over. If over nka then why is it still awkward between us? Bc dli mn jd ko nmo maforgive. Kung muingon ka dli ko kasabot sa imong side well imoha nanang opinion bc ako im a practical person and bisag kamillion times ko magsorry nmo i already know what kind of person u r when ure betrayed. I always think whats ahead and never feel things bc as much as u slap it to my face i do understand san ka nahurt. Im not one to experience it myself pero i tend to get over hurt quickly bc im tired of ppl putting me down. Idk what u want me to do really? So nagpagawas rpud kos akong gibati kay it doesnt seem like nkasabot sd ka about how much i care about everything until this day. Basi plang sa nahitabo ni mars so i already know how ud react and if naa kay problema just like how ur tweets indirectly hit then tell it. I already know lahat ng tweets about trust n shit will be about me so its no shocker but we will repeat the same arguement again and again until marealise nko? Cuz i have its prob not the reaction youve expected sguro. Pero this time im not gonna be quiet about it. Kay no matter what i do its never enough for u eh. Respect and patience dli mn kaha nko mahatag nmo then mas maayu nlng dli magsturyaay diba? If thts best for u and me. Cuz gkpoy nko having this fight every yr wd u donita. And everything i said is what U made me feel. Dont invalidate my feelings bc i didnt invalidate urs.

[yhellowmil28]

ako imong gihimong hinungdan sa unsay relationship nmo sa imo mama. U blaming me for everything na naa mn pd kay mabuhat ana. Dli rman na basi sa unsa ako gbuhat. Wla nko gminimise ako sayup ha pero dli unta ka mufocus sa cause but rather find a solution to solve ur relationship wd her. If yourre trying then cool so When can u actually forgive me knowing i will do the same mistake again. When? Bc eto lng ako eh. Im not gonna try to pretend anymore na ok tayo when i kno hindi. Im not gonna try opening up to u when i know makkasala gihapon ko nmo. Its bc were always not fine and for what? The same mistake ive committed years ago. I seriously wanna be apologetic and understand pero right now murag u make me the prosecutor of ur past eh. And u make me feel tht way every single time. I guess its time for me to accept din na u will never be comfortable with me and same goes to u.

[yhellowmil28]

And whats up with the padungog2 sa twitter? Ano tayo 16 yrs old. Tell me the shit i need to hear. Be real with me cuz im being real with u and how this jens situation is actually about ur trust issue sa ako.

[yhellowmil28]

Lain imo gipafeel nko donita. Every fucking day. Every day u make me feel like every betrayal i did was a definition of who teh i am. And im sick of it. Im sick of having to hide unsa jd ko na tao and having to be fucking cautious every single day just bc i may say something wrong to u maglain npud imo hunahuna nko. I was never myself bc u didnt give me a chance to be myself bc u already made a definition of who i am. U didnt say shit but u dont need to say shit to make me feel like shit u know tht right? How do i change that? Im not an empathetic person. Bc all u giving me is i felt dis like ghorl there no one as guilty as i am here so dont start to think that wla rkoy pake bc i care donita. and i cud never turn back tym to change tht. I told jens about imong feelings kang green not to bring u down but bc i care about whats going on thts why i did that. I never meant ill and youre entitled to like or dislike them basi sa imong gusto. And she has never changed her mind about what she thinks of u maybe dli lng jd mi sang ayun sa imo opinion about dpat jd ibasi ang relationship sa financial side of it pero nirespeto ko sa imo opinion. Sakto ka na kaylangan ig sulod sa relationship naa puy ikabuga ang lalaki (in this case) sa relationship but not entirely just about it. And i know u understand pero at the moment dili dha nagfocus ila relationship. Gpabaya rman sd tka cuz u know what ur doin. I said spoiled brat basi sa akong nakita sa imo trato sa imo mama sa real life. Not in all aspects ka spoiled donita i know u earn ur own money and u are independent pero i hope u see din kung unsa gipakita sa imo mama unsa ka kalove nya. Dli nlng pirmi negative unta akong madunggan about sa imo mama. Dli lng ko katoleeate og disrespect sa mga inahan every time i see it. Same exact reason why i didnt like how marich treated her mother. Akong morals will still remain the same. And if musaway ka ana then u not seeing clearly how much kaimportante imong mama. Wla ko niside sa imo mama niside ko sa unsa akong gpamati. Sge if dako kaayu kag trust issue sa ako then dont tell me shit anymore and mas maayu pa dli nlng jd ta magtingganay. I jst want to tell u everything and what u made me feel din kaysa i jst let u down me. if dako kaayu tu sa imo then dli sd tu nko gbaliwala. Abi nmo sayun rtu nko nanghitaboa sa una pero fck if wla jd koy paki nmo ghorl hagbay nko nigive up sa atuang friendship. Im not perfect yes and ive done mistakes yes pero asa mn ko muposition sa akong self when all u want is perfection. I dont know how to show care emotionally to someone and it comes off snobbish. Kaya thts why i appreciate jens a lot for showing me how much i do need to be loved bisag dli nko deserve og naging open sha without judgement. U dont know half of whats going on with me and as much as i want u to realise i condone not to bc i will never put down my walls. Dli lng nko gpakit pero never ko niretaliate nmo. Bahala nag maglagut ka nko pero wla jd koy kalagut sa imo. Bisag unsa pna kasakit imo gpafeel nko. Kay i protected tht friendship og akong icontinue nag tolerate bisag nasakitan nko. Kabalo ko akong sayup pero gkpoy nsd kog try oi na wlay kahumanan ning butanga. So dont need to make me feel like bobo ako kay i understand every single word u said. Gkpoy nlmg kog care. Dli mn ko pareha ninyu ni jens na emotional na tao. Kaya sorry sa tanan hinanakit whether u think thts insincere or not. Sa mga time na gdisrespect tika og wla ko naging patient. If dli na klaro sa ako gpakita nmo den ill try harder. But i cant work with someone who doesnt even wanna give me a chance. At least thats what you made me feel over the yrs. And i will not change my morals esp if dli ko sang ayun sa imong gpangbuhat. I always want to know where ure coming from donita, but today its time for u to hear me too and for that im tired.

[yhellowmil28]

Im emotionless as it can get bc i dont get that kind of burden but so u really think i talk shit to jens jst for her to turn away from u. You really think im that low to make her go against u? Damn i didnt know na inana ko kaubos sa imo pananaw nko donita. Damn. I dont get to say shit pla. Then i wont ever say shit again. Sorry naabala kapa. Im done.

[yhellowmil28]

im happy for both of u and how yall find real genuine relationships. we all value each other equally and i know how much yall mean to each other. i approve both snu and green for both of u. but sometimes naa rman juy things na doesnt sit well with us. but its also learning how to accept that doesnt mean u see something wrong with someone doesnt mean theyre immediately a bad person. for example ang pagspoil ni snu sa imo i never questioned it or judged it bc i know u deserve the love that u give. bisag over rjud kaayu to the point yall need to control ur finance. pero its never a matter of money but if someone struggles in the financial relationship maybe its time to be more assertive and say no when needed. if kna itself mkasabot ko sa situation ninyu ni snu i hope youd give green the same chance din. i hope u can get to know him first before giving a simple judgement. and if meron ka tlagang problema sa kanya pls do tell us bc i cant handle this padungog2. kbye. 

[yhellowmil28]

Not gonna drive u through a whole rollercoaster of hurt i felt about you bc its not the kind of person i am. sge lets put it this way.. i need you to stop acting like everything is about you. i need you to stop acting like a spoiled brat with ur parents, i need you to stop acting so ungrateful for everything given to u, and i need you to respect choices whether it goes against urs or not. I need you to listen to us and read the room. I need you to be more aware of urself. I need you not to make excuses for ur behaviour. I need you to not rely on the materialistic stuff in life. i need you to understand that not everything will go your way. Bc as much as i hurt u youve hurt me in so many ways counted that i shrug it off and tolerated it bc im one to adjust to someone until i cant anymore. Gusto ra nko ni ishare bc i know youll probably have a lot to say din. Lastly, i just want the best for u and for u to forgive me genuinely. I will probably never get ur trust again for the amount of betrayal ive imposed in u and i know naa npud kay masulti about nko na mas taas pa pero i hope u will have the courage to overlook those and be open to forgiveness. not just me but to everyone that did u wrong. its takes strength to move on from getting hurt but it takes courage to forgive someone who did u wrong. yes i question our friendship a lot, how i still cannot trust you as deeply and how i just willingly refuse to open up to u. but above that i value our friendship and as someone who tolerated both of u n jens’ bullshit over the yrs honestly i think i love both of u unconditionally. parang both of u r my family now and it makes me so emotional bc right now i know both of u r not fine. none of us are perfect but i believe na bisag unsa pa ka lala sa atu mga fights we always have each other at the end of the day. and i hope it continues that way. it hurts me that two of my friends are fighting. I hope yall fix that bc i dont want us to separate. we tend to forget the value of our friendship when pride tries to heighten everything. pero if gusto jud ninyu icut off tanan ties thats your decision. dont drive it based on emotions. TANGINA NYONG DALAWA PINAPAIYAK NYO AKO PUTANGINA! STOP FIGHTING GOIS HONESTLY para akong si jens iyak ng iyak. ndi nman ako yung nasaktan char hahhah oki bye 

[yhellowmil28]

I find myself not explaining so much of why i did something and why i show off who i really am anymore . Its like if u agree with me cool if u disagree with me cool. I believe that yall know me enough of who i am as a person that i choose to act that way based on my mood and emotions. I condone to silence esp when im hurt i leave it to u to know that my humility is more important than proving im right. Silence is power and i jst learned that about myself. Im jst tire of ppl pleasing thats all.

[yhellowmil28]

Body dysmorphia

Today i jst want to open up to you all about my anxiety about my body. Ive never really talked about this to anyone and even if its been opened up a little bit i think it jst goes a little deeper than what it seems. So ive been so unhealthy bfore as you all know bc of being constantly observing so much flaws in my body since i was very young. I was hella chubby and everyone literally kept telling me to lose weight i never really listened but i guess when i grew up i am just so hyper conscious about everything ppl tell me. This began my disorder and i was so sick of it. My self esteem of my image is bugging me everyday even when i was so slim already.. i was so focused on working on the negativity that i didnt even see the result.. like its been ongoing since and it had never stopped. I jst dont realise how worsen it gotten and im already consumed by it. It really does hurt a lot inside. Idk how long ive been faking it and pretending its okay. The constant shaming, the lack of confidence, its really not healing. Coming from my mom dad titos titas strangers friends comparison kills me inside. I have to pretend that im not affected by anything but really if yall know.. its been hard living like dis and i do wanna change it but i dont think im mentally capable of being the queen pows.. yes i love dancing but this is a problem i need to overcome myself. I dont think my faith has lessen if i dont support every opportunity given. I jst hope y’all understand that. Ilys all❤️

[yhellowmil28]

I will eat well sleep well water myself with compliments exercise well master discipline work hard earn well save money well take care of my mental health and be good and choose the right man well hahaha

[yhellowmil28]

I will dedicate 2022 to working and earning as well as disciplining myself…

[yhellowmil28]

Until now everything is still surreal. All I can say is thank you from the bottom of my heart. To mama and papa for their unending sacrifices, to my antes and titos for their support, to my friends who listened to my nursing stories and to you O Lord, for witnessing my tears and difficulties. You all became my strength, hope and confidence in this journey. Im proud of you mille. Thank you so much😭😭

[yhellowmil28]

Like why is my invompetence needed to be justifyied soooo muchhh