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Very Small Jake Pumpkin

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The original demo for “Everything Stays”

I was so glad to get to write this song for the Adventure Time miniseries Stakes, and so honored to be cast as Marceline’s mother!

This song is based off an early memory of losing a stuffed animal, a black rabbit. I found it a year later, laying on it’s back in the garden. The sun had faded it’s underside, so that it now had a white belly. It wasn’t better, or worse, just different. It was the first time I realized that things will change no matter what, even if they’re left alone, and stay completely still. 

Thanks so much to Adam Muto for thinking of me for this! And to Tim Kiefer for his wonderful final arrangement!

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Britt Nicole- When She cries

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Adonis, tr. by Samuel Hazo, from “The Crow’s Feather”, The Pages of Day and Night

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bro this is sad i could go on & on. & there are just some things that she could have been doing even w distance between us even when she’s busy even whenever just for one quick second pop in & acknowledge you care because i feel like i did my time & i proved myself & now i’m going through my struggle like these past couple of years have been hell for me & if i needed anyone it was her & i do not feel i got that. then to be told it’s my fault for pushing her away??????? no man there are no other words here just no.

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i don’t think i’ve ever felt so gotdamn empty i have been staring at this wall for over an hour & i shit you not it felt like i blinked. completely dissociating & btw, i wanna know where these therapists come from that use terms like that. i know i stopped going to therapy early on but man i went through for therapists & three counselors plus four psychiatrists & NO ONE tells me about borderline or dissociation, no one explained to me my experiences as trauma, nobody told me about the memory loss that accompanies depression & anxiety in children. i mean MAN i learned everything i know from here. i’ve been doing so good for so long this feels like hell, like i can’t explain the difference but going from making progress & getting better & seeing light at the end of the tunnel to being thrown a hundred miles a minute backwards into oblivion like i am shaking. the thing is i REALLY thought i was getting somewhere dealing w my stupid ass childhood issues but turns out i’m STILL just bottling it up & trying to ignore it. i guess the distance between me & my family hid the wounds a little but they are literally deeper than ever. & i’ve talked this out nonstop for years & years & years & bottom line? i need others to take accountability along w me. i used to have a problem w taking responsibility on my own now i feel like i’ve done it so much, even when i felt like i didn’t need to, just to smooth over a situation & i never get it in return. i’ve talked all i want to talk. i’ve said all i want to say. i’ve asked so many times for just one true & sincere apology for everything that fucked me up as a kid but no. that’s undoable. & also now i’m feeling like i just truthfully don’t want to be around my family even IF i get this stupid apology because at this point it’s just that, stupid. i’ve been begging for it for years WHY am i still here waiting? like move ON stupid bitch. but this couldn’t have happened at a worse time like i want to be civil w my family it’s not like i want to NEVER see them. but i’ve learned about their traits i’ve put time into knowing them outside of presents & things to buy for them. but like truly on how they feel & how they act when they feel that way & what i can do to help. & i honestly honestly don’t feel like they’ve done that for me. & maybe that’s because i have this tough exterior you gotta completely shattered in order to get a peak inside but that’s the thing, so is the rest of my family. so i learned to get through your tough exterior where’s that effort when it comes to me? do you know how to tell if i’m really depressed? i’m super short, angry, i don’t know why but i’ve always expressed my sadness as anger unless i’m alone. i always thought it was because subconsciously i think being sad is being weak but WHO KNOWS. i always cannot focus. not even on tv. nothing. my legs feel like a million pounds & i can & will move but not unless it’s for an emergency & if & when i do move you can see the pain it puts me through to do it. i sleep all the time, 12 hours at night & naps throughout the day. i eat everything in sight not because i’m hungry but because i feel empty. do you know what to do when something like this happens? take me outside IF i can move but please don’t force me, draw me a bath, send me funny gifs or pictures of cute animals, tag me in posts literally any post, don’t call me but i might answer a text. do you know what it looks like when i’m anxious? my voice shakes like i’m always about to cry, my legs shake almost excessively to the point where it looks fake or like spasms, my arms & hands shake, my breath is short, i’m freezing, i’m manic & cannot stop moving, i want to rearrange stuff or fix my entire life, i can’t sleep like at all maybe two hours if i’m lucky, i cannot eat physically it makes me want to throw up to even imagine swallowing a bite of food. do you know what to do when this happens? don’t make me talk to much but if i want to talk just listen, don’t get aggravated or aggressive even slightly i will cry instantly, throw a blanket in the dryer then wrap me in it, d

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i never made an actual post on tumblr before but dk where else to write so here we are

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my therapist: I can't imagine how painful that must have been for you

me: lol so anyway

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0% energy and motivation to do anything recently

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i stopped talking about how i feel, it only makes me look like an idiot.

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“It sucks when you’re so hurt that you have to be high, drunk or on drugs, so you can get on a higher level then the rest of the world just to smile. That’s what’s fucked up.”

— (via alkoholimblut)

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