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Back from spending time in Seoul for a week with C and her friends and I must say I'm very impressed with the city and am so glad that I made the trip with them. The city had great energy that did feel a bit different from the rest of the cities that I've been to. Everything also felt a bit more dispersed than say Tokyo/Osaka so there was a sense that places felt a lot less crowded. I think what I enjoyed most was that every other shop had mini art installations in addition to the retail space, and it felt so creative and refreshing -- as if they did not care simply about sales or efficiency but also prioritising art and expression. That was really nice to experience, and it was completely different from when I was there 8 years ago. The difference in weather might have played a part but I really enjoyed the chilly climate, though the dryness not so much. Not only was it a nice trip personally but it was also a great one with C and we both agreed that it was helpful for our relationship. I also learned plenty about her coping mechanism and how best we can both manage down/away potential conflicts and try to disengage our hotheadedness. There's still a long way to go in becoming the best partner to C that I can be but I think I've made good progress, and just need to remind myself to be as kind and patient as I can be. Overall a really nice break after a few trips overseas that didn't exceptionally felt like one

Next up would be a June trip with my mum and her sibs and I do really want to make it one that she enjoys and have a good time

Beyond that, for the next couple months, I'll probs be mostly occupied with trying to plan for the proposal -- lots to do with the video, location and ring to finalise so best need to stay focused and discipline, let's go mate! Good progress so far and everything's on track -- so far so good

Fitness/skincare-wise I also think I'm doing okay, but I should look after my diet a little more (in terms of watching daily caloric intake and limiting needless junk food), but I still want to give myself some wriggle room on the weekends. Got to take my vitamins more religiously as well and to up my protein consumption

Not much else to add here but as we're ramping up for the biggest rebalances in May/Jun, time to power through and attempt to bring my work game to the next level. Always keep reaching for higher and staying hungry. I can feel the team trying their best in managing me and I ought to give try to give more. Because I know I have it in me to make it. Take nothing for granted and never settle dude. I need to take advantage of this positive momentum

Just want to leave a little note here that the next post, I'd want to devote some lines to pursuing my hobbies -- which at the moment are film and fashion (?) / or maybe just dressing a bit better than I have been

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Back here for another entry, been a few weeks but here I am

Saran came to visit with his girlfriend midweek and it was nice to see him again together with Edwin. Is always a good time with them boys and we inevitably end up talking about our banking days again. The camaraderie built over really tough times together truly cannot be understated, and I'm glad I came away from my days in IBD with such a group of buddies. Next step would be to try to do a weekend trip over at Bangkok!

Was also nice to properly catch up with Yanchang 1-on-1 after some time, always nice to do these with long-time friends. This dinner with him was a reminder to me that everyone has their own struggles and each relationship has its own ups and downs and maybe we're not too different afterall -- all just trying to live uncomplicated lives but always getting caught up with things here and there. Probably bit strange to say this.. but his experience of early marriage days is serving as reminders / lessons learnt for me and I genuinely hope that his sharing will help C and I once we start living together. I mean I've always known that there will be friction but his stories have caught me off guard still. I'm not just going to cross my fingers that I don't follow his way forward but will actively take steps to stay clear of the landmines

Oh and another thing that happened was the year end review at work - in summary both comforting and daunting. V and KX both acknowledged they saw something in me click over the last several months, which was something I felt as well and so I am grateful for that. But they also mentioned that I should continue to thirst to reach the next level though also mentioning that they understand it takes time. Their mentality keeps surprising me to the extent that I am no longer too taken aback, not sure how much sense that makes but god damn, mentality monsters these people. Sometimes I'm just grateful to have lucked my way into this team but also sometimes I get a sense of imposter's syndrome, which honestly is saying a lot for me because I've never experienced anything close to that in my life so far. Well you know what they say, if your goals do not scare you, then they are not big enough. Time to dig in and step up

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This is probably going to be a busy year having to plan the proposal and everything that comes with it but I also feel like I ought to try and make travel plans, for both my mum as well as with Cheryl. Its easy to let the year just drift by like this if I don't try to proactively make things happen. Was thinking more of either New Zealand and/or Taiwan for a short one with either or both. And I also likely need some time to recalibrate and actually enjoy myself -- a proper vacation for me. Going to be a year of many changes this one, so it'll really need some conscious planning to ensure things fall into place

Going through my resolutions again as one of those things to do regularly and two things pop up at my quick obviously

Being a better partner to Cheryl. I feel like I've made some progress with this and we are definitely having less bust-ups than before but I also feel like there's much more I can do -- perhaps the smaller, subtler things and also wording my points more kindly. Just a reminder to myself here that it always helps to be gentler and kinder as she seems to respond to it more positively

No progress at all with regards to the reading more portion. I feel like every time I have the time and/or opportunity to pick up something and make progress that I always just to decide to spend my time on something else - it often being something mindless like watching some videos or scrolling Instagram. Hate to admit it but the mindlessness of doing these things really gives me a welcome break from the churning that I have to do at work... Perhaps I need to start small and allocate maybe 15-20mins time slots to really go through with it -- I'll try to do that starting Monday, let's see if that helps

That's probably most of it for this week, for good or bad, not much else to really pen down. Till I come back here soon, cheers -- keep on keeping on is the mantra

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The week was pretty uneventful for the most parts and I'd say much like the calmest of work weeks.. nothing much I can complain about but its beginning to look like any other work week for me - hoping that nothing blows up that I'm responsible for. I think its important to have a chat with Victor about the longer-term plan of my role in the team. I really need to have someone like HT come in for me to properly grow into the risk taker that I'd want to be and that my background puts me in a position to me. A lot of time I feel like I'm being forced to play a role that I'm not suited for and maybe its time to let Victor know about this, especially if the comp turns out to be a bit of a disappointment. I can accept lower comp with the expectations of better prospects in the near future but I feel like I've also been patient enough throughout this own time. Beyond that, I genuinely hope we go ahead and hire an event-driven PM - this I feel will be the single-most important variable that will determine my career trajectory. Besides that, I'll have to try and be better at my current role and have my mindset continually evolve. Evolve - yes, that's a necessity in this business

Looking at my 2024 resolutions one year in... I feel like I've kept to most of them and have made progress for the most parts. The one that's really lacking it that of reading more - just so difficult to scrape out time to get into it. But if I'm being honest then I must say I've also not tried my best, though the bunch of weddings I have coming up hasn't made things any easier. No matter, I'll continue to try to plug away at it. A little progress is infinitely better than no progress at all

Also on Z, there's definitely some making up to do but the sense I'm getting is to give him his space and let him reach out whenever he is ready to. Else I could try to connect a couple months down the line to check in with him. I guess that's the most I can do at this point in time.. don't want to have him feel any sort of pressure to connect / be who he doesn't want to be / do what he doesn't feel like doing. If anything, its time for Z to prioritise himself and his wants above all else

In my head, I kept putting off keeping an entry this weekend but now that I've put in a bit of time to just scribble my thoughts, I'm so glad I did. Putting things here really does remind me what is important and helps to organise the sometimes intangible/messy thoughts floating around in my headspace

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Being at my sister's wedding this weekend was a lot more emotional for me than I expected. Overall, I was just glad that she's found someone that treats her well and provides her with everything that's important to her. I was surprised that I was mentioned in her speech and was also very touched that she brought me up. I guess despite all her emotional outbursts, she still has a mature side to her that perhaps she doesn't display all too much. Watching my mum prepare so much and doll up for the wedding was also nice to see. I didn't put much thought into it but having been seated next to her, I now see how much the wedding meant to her. Seeing her daughter get happily married must have felt like things went full circle and that her years of hard work raising her must have finally felt accomplished to some extent. My mum's just so precious

During lunch with my mum today, I felt the wedding also brought my mum back to memories she had with her own mother / my grandma. She recounted the times that grandma would be upset when she found it difficult to take care of us when my mum left us in her care and how grandpa was just clearly trying to stay out of the way. Although my mum would sometimes complain about grandma in the past, I know her soft insides still finds her approvals important. Perhaps she was only really able to truly empathise with some things after watching her own daughter get married. Perhaps we're all more similar than we think and perhaps this was why I felt she may be seeing things come full circle

Also Uncle Cs' asking me to pass to my sister a couple of gold bracelets that my grandma had left for him was also unexpected. Grandma must have been left them for him the hopes that he would eventually settle down with somebody and have her wear it. I thought about what my mum said in the past - about how grandma always used to favour the boys.. Regardless, I hope she'd have made peace with however things turn out. And also a reminder to myself that I also ought to try and make some time for him

All of last night's events served as a reminder to me of how unconditional my mother's love have been for the both of us, and how we should never take for granted all the sacrifices that she has had to put herself through just to make our life as good as it could be. I can tell my mum doesn't want to show it but I know she will miss having my sister around as much. They may not get along all the time but I know they are close and I know they appreciate each other's company. I hope we both continue to make time for the most important woman in our lives. My mum is truly special and I'd like to make her feel that way as much as possible

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I didn't had too much expectations in any way but the GZ trip with C and her family turned out to be pretty decent trip. I got to go to a new country and all-in-all was pleasantly surprised - the local chinese there were warm, service standards were pretty high and I actually liked most of the food that we had. I also got to know some of C's family a bit better - K, Uncle L, DG and even C's mum. Taking the time to have one-on-one chats with them was nice and less tiring than I had imagined it to be. Maybe a lot of time the inertia is in my head and its a mental block more than anything else. Penning this down reminds me of the conversation I had with Jef where he said he tries his very best to "say yes" whenever he has the opportunity and maybe I should start embracing this "yes theory of everything" hah. I digress a little but I guess as with any travel groups of size, there's also a fair bit of friction but I think it all went pretty smoothly (at least for the parts that C and I were there for) C also had the foresight to leave a couple days at the end just for the both of us and I thought it was a really cute way to end off the trip. As per usual we had our short/heated bust-ups... but according to C, seeing as we're both "fire signs", I should pay more attention to walking around her trigger points and she does mine. I have to say she does manage me plenty better than I do her. Plenty for me to work on here. And writing it out over here does indeed help as a reminder

Ora's passing during my time away from home was a low point for me this past week. I can't say that it's a complete surprise given that she's increasingly looked frail for a couple months but it still hit pretty deeply. During the trip I was trying very hard to avoid processing the news and was not allowing myself to grief. It could be that I didn't want to be a distraction to others or perhaps I just didn't want to appear too vulnerable in front of C. But she showed that she was there for me and made me feel comfortable enough to cry

Ora -- you were such an important part in our lives and you were my very first bun and have been with me through the entirety of my adult life. I keep replaying back to to our first/last shower I took you to on the Sunday before I left for GZ - you were so good and well-behaved. I'd thought that you'd be gassed at being washed but maybe you just had too little energy to resist by then. Regardless, I'm glad that we will always have that. 11 years is a long time even in human years so at least I'm glad you lived a very healthy life till a ripe old bunny age. Although you're not the most affectionate little bun, you were the least fussy with your food. And! You mothered 6 beautiful babies and I hope you'll be binkying with 5 of them now as well as enjoying all the nanas there is wherever you are. I'm glad you came into our family and I'll forever be grateful for it. Hop free now darling Ora, you've been as beautiful a bunny as you are a blessing. I'll miss you dearly

This extra week off for reservist is doing real good to my mental health and work-life balance. I feel like it's helping me recalibrate my headspace and realign what's important in my personal life outside of work, where the alternative scenario would be a breathless dive straight back into work... That'd leave me with little time/chance to introspect -- so this is good timing in the grand scheme of things. Seeing the army buds again was pleasant and every time we meet, it reminds me of how we've grown a little older and experiencing a little bit more of adulthood in our own ways

In trying to keep to my newly made 2024 resolutions, I hope I've made a decent start with this entry, cheers and let's hope 2024 kicks on in a good way buddy. You got this

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What a fucking year 2023 has been. I've been completely absent from this space and just as much in several important aspects of my life. 2023... was a real struggle. Basically a cruel balancing act between (1) being there for mum through her illness and our family struggles and (2) trying to survive/get going at work. Think I did alright for (1), though the family struggles have yet to see the end game. As for (2)... well probably better than 2022 but still nowhere near the levels that I need to be (or am made to feel that I should be at). I thought 2022 was my toughest year to date given that 6 months in Hong Kong, and to be fair, it was... just professionally. 2023 was grueling in a completely different way and tested me in ways I had not expected. Good fucking riddance 2023. If I had a wish it'd be for 2024 to be nothing like 2023 in any shape or form. I'd wish for a fresh start but I know the divorce will have its overhang. I can only hope the chaos that precludes and ensues are kept to a minimal

It has been such a fucking hurricane that I felt like I was constantly trying really hard to just survive, let alone have the capacity to strive for things listed as important on my resolutions list. It's really only now that I've went back to review the list that I noticed the toll the year took on me. I also realised the resolution that I stopped farthest away from was to make concrete plans with C. Yes we bought a home but the rest of the prep of living together really did flew right by me which is 100% on me. Whenever I had any sort of reprieve, I immersed myself in world of warcraft lol, maybe its some sort of escape or distraction. Did it make me feel better? Not sure but it kept me entertained and gave me a break from all that was happening and it reminded me of what I used to enjoy and now realise that I still do

Setting aside time to think things through, I've realised (similar to previous years) my resolutions remain broadly consistent though now I see the details of what I'd like to achieve with greater clarity. I'm going to be making it a point to revisit my resolutions every fortnight to keep myself on track. An excerpt/summary of my 2024 resolution list that I decorated with more details and goals:

More quality time with mum. With 2023 done and dusted, I want to do more things with her that she'd like (St John strays come up, a short trip to Taiwan would be great for her too)

Improve relationships with all that I hold close; be much more empathetic and far kinder to C and Z especially

Learn to read voraciously. Finance-related, self-improvement, biographies etc, fucking everything and anything. This is something I need to develop, I'm pretty sure it's going to help inspire me (which I am sorely in need of)

Write/introspect much more. I'll set 30 mins aside every week to revisit this space and pen down my thoughts, no matter how brief

Devote more time to my hobbies and developing new interests. I desperately need to shoot more film, it brings me so much joy. I'll make it a point to bring my point-and-shoot all the time

Manage work/life balance better. When work gets going, it consumes a lot of my headspace and the same for personal matters. Individually/separately I can do better, but concurrently they need to get along more smoothly in my head. Work - I need to constantly obsess with P&L outcome and review what can be done better. Life - Basically need to learn how to shut out work and live life as normally as possible

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The past year has sort of felt like a giant mega whirlwind, and kind of split into two distinct portions - the first half almost completely immersed with work and detached mentally and physically from pretty much anything else, and the second half felt a lot like re-settling back here in Singapore and a new team at work. Writing it down here helped me realise that my year was defined very much by my professional life.. I guess this is inevitable going into a new role but it’s generally not how I’d like to live my life. And so heading into 2023, I think some realignment of my priorities and how I’d like to organise my life is needed. No doubt I’ll still take my work seriously, but a mental pivot is probably required to remind myself of the things that actually matter at the end of the day

2022 was easily one of the most challenging in my career. From picking up trading and completely struggling with it and still trying to figure it out to losing literal millions and then having to claw it up bit by bit... I’d like to think I’ve experienced the lows of this hedge fund life but am also pretty certain that it’s pretty far from the truth. 2021 developed sort of unexpectedly and its events set the stage for a 2022 that on hindsight, I was wholly unprepared for. But now that its all done, I definitely feel a greater sense of ease than in Jul-Sep and can feel some momentum building up on my end. Fingers crossed that I continue to lead this fortunate life and that I stay humble enough to be able to make my own luck as much as possible

I think my priorities in the upcoming year will revolve around C, family and friends and pursuing my hobbies even more. I’ve been unconsciously neglecting my family and hobbies a bit too much and it doesn't feel great. I will commit to bringing along my point-and-shoot around more frequently as well as putting more effort into planning more activities with my family

I also figure its about time I firm up plans on getting our own place with C and also to have a solid timeline on settling down - this probably entails plenty of things to do, so I definitely ought to have a solid plan by mid-2023 latest

One other thing I noticed from setting up by 2023 resolutions is that how little the key ideas changed from my 2021 list. I figured that its a sign of maturity where the things I’ve found to be important to have been relatively steady over these past several years. Not sure how long it will stay this way but I’d like to think pretty much so till at least I have a family of my own

Also I’ve completely dissociated from putting my thoughts here the minute I got back to the country. Not sure why no matter how many times I tell myself that chronicling my life here is infinitely useful, I can’t seem to keep the habit consistently over a longer period of time. I 100% need to be more intentional with this space

Well, here’s to another satisfying year of growth and contentment. 2023, please be good

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So here I am - sitting in the studio that I’ve lived in for most of the last 6 months, on the last Sunday of my time in Hong Kong writing here. It’s a nice late afternoon indoors and the music is gentle, just the kind of weekend for me over here

I guess things turned out almost as well as it could have been and there genuinely is little more I can asked for. What was probably one of the toughest things I’d had to do in my professional life so far has been accomplished and I’ve been rewarded with a sort of independence and freedom to continue with the team back from back home in Singapore. I know there’s still a massive amount to master but right now, I’m incapable of seeing past the next several days back in Singapore with C, my family and the rest of my friends. I’m just looking forward so much to having my old life back that the excitement / challenge of the new role has yet to settle in properly

I feel like to even say that I’ve learnt a lot would’ve been an understatement. Reflecting on how I had to pick up a whole new strategy among a team of traders/quants, and for the most parts remotely... fuck, there were really tough days. But I think what really stuck with me most thinking back about my time here was my relationship with my family and C. It was made pretty clear to me that it’s important for me to be near them and it also made it more apparent (if that was possible) that C is the central figure in my life. The time apart definitely helped the relationship grow in a different way.. one which I believe would not have been possible had I not relocated for these 6 months. Probably wrote about this a number of times here already but its just that repetitive in my own head

Next up would be more of the same back in SG - continue to work hard, be dependable and constantly push myself when I get too comfortable. But at least this time, I’ll be right by the people who I care for the most. Till next time Hong Kong, see you in a bit (but hopefully not too soon)

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When I woke up this morning, I thought abruptly about the divergent paths that pals I knew from my secondary school took vis-a-vis myself. Not in an ultra-competitive ways that would have been typical of me a number of years ago and that would have dominated my headspace, but in a more generic sense (I guess I should recognise this as growth and maturity)

What floated into my mind was how differently we turned out (and am continuing to turn out). If you’d asked me 15 years ago, I’d have had my money on us being much more cookie cutter. We came from the same schools, took the same classes, and had similar backgrounds as much as I could tell, so naturally I’d have assumed we’d lead fairly similar lives. I guess this is the butterfly effect in real life playing out in our chaotic world. Not chaotic in the literal fashion but more in the random, scientific sense. Well maybe a bit of both actually. This may also be a good reminder that things could change drastically 15 years from now and how I shouldn’t really be surprised by pretty much anything at all hmm

Initially it didn’t register what triggered this but upon replaying the afternoon’s events it was surely when I saw YM’s post on her interior design work and C’s liking of it. On a purely superficial level and accepting a level of presumptuousness, it does appear that they both take pride in their work and if I have to say, are doing a mighty good job. But I just can’t seem to imagine myself in their role - are we that different? When and where did this difference come from and when did it grow? Then my thoughts drifted to H and S and then YC and TH - friends that were at some point in time, an essential and large part of our day-to-day, but have become a markedly less prevalent aspect of each others’ lives simply because of what appeared to be minor differences in decisions at that time

I guess this is also another good reminder that it is crucial to differentiate prevalence and importance - I understand now that the time we choose to spend with each other isn’t always correlated to the quality of our relationship

Somehow, this reminded me to go back and respond to the texts of some of the people that are still a very significant part of my current life. To be consciously appreciating them here and now. It could be C’s loss today that triggered this momentary recognition or that Instagram reel whose message is to remind ourselves that we all will die eventually. An unpleasant thought surely yes, but maybe a necessary one as the occasional reminder of our mortality is one of the reasons why any relationship has meaning. Ironically, forever may be an oxymoron in the context of the things we do and the people we appreciate - an extreme extrapolation to the weaker-than-expected correlation of time spent and quality. It is precisely the finite nature and duration of time spent that gives each relationship its preciousness

I also wanted to pen this down in case it gets lost forever in the recesses of my mind. There were a couple of scenes in s6ep10/12 of Billions when Mike said a couple of things that genuinely resonated with me at such a personal level that I caught my eyes widening as it played out. Writing this out made me realise how pretentious to the extent of overtly self-indulgent it is to relate to a fictional billionaire character in a blockbuster Hollywood tv series, but hey it may not be completely relevant but it doesn’t make it less accurate in the right context

Optimists vs pessimists, Wendy to Mike

W: “Seems like the less you know how to do something, the more you’re willing to believe you can accomplish it”

M: “The flip side is optimists live longer than pessimists and aren’t easily as dissuaded in learning”

W: “The early stages of learning, yes. When the going gets hard, that’s when the pessimists put shoulder into sledge and push. Because to them, everything is difficult, so exertion is the only reasonable choice”

M: “Like most things, what you want is to be able to control your emotional range enough to be able to trigger what is most useful in the micro-moment”

Deciding what you want to feel, Mike to Rian

M: “You just need to understand that there are people that things happen to and people who make things happen. And you need to land on which one you want to be”

M: “When you decide what you want to feel, that’s the true source of power”

I always enjoyed the Axe character more - the cavalier attitude, the genuine acceptance of his own flaws, the owning of the ugly side of his character because he acknowledges that its these same parts that makes him great. But I have never had this moment of relation like I did with the two quotes above. Maybe Axe is more aspirational and Mike is more relevant - not something I’d jump at to admitting but like Wendy said to Mike, it’s important to be genuinely honest with yourself

As I’m writing this, enjoying time in the day to let my thoughts wander without much of a care, a cup of great coffee to accompany me, and with gentle lo-fi playing in the background... I don’t remember experiencing a greater sense of contentment during my time in Hong Kong so far. Perhaps its being so far away from home and everything that I care about that something so simple can bring this degree of fulfilment. Maybe this makes it clear to me that what I value is the freedom/option to do/own things rather than the material possessions/experiences themselves

Untangling the jumbled thoughts in my head explicitly here makes it much more lucid - it is possible that I appreciate the ability to be able to do/buy something materially more than the thing itself. I think this is an important thing to learn about myself

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Another two weeks has past over here, and the great thing is that I’ve not had too many 150 bpm days over the last 14 days but if my track record here is anytime to come by, this could very well be the calm before the storm. In any case, best to hope for the best and be prepared for the worst. Despite the intensity of the work so far, I think its a good reminder to myself that I think about all the great things I’ve heard about V during my early days here. Lady luck has no doubt smiled at me once again by giving me this opportunity and I should do well to remember that V is someone that everyone has only good things to say about. Although it feels like a long time ago, the small gestures he’s made so far - the cakes, the fruit basket, the book - these are kindnesses that I must say I’ve not received in a professional setting and I genuinely appreciated (and still do actually, although it hasn’t floated across my mind for some time now). Far from being full time but looking back at it, maybe the pandemic-enforced absence of the rest of the team may not be all bad - at the very least it gave me the opportunity to show how independent I can be in the midst of it all, and also more confidence for them in me to operate all on my own back in my sunny shores. Well, each day is one day closer to home and so let’s not rest on my laurels and let’s hammer it home and nail this down for good. Can’t wait to get back to the people and place that I love most 

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I definitely feel like I’ve been getting more into the groove at work but it seems like every time I get into some sort of cadence, V feels it as well and proceeds to dial it up a notch and push me just a bit more. I’m not sure if he has a gift of sensing when the acceleration is slowing down or this is just some strange coincidence. Either way I think these are positive signs for my longer term future with the team. It feels like its the first time since I got here that I’m getting some semblance of confidence and I do hope this translates into better end product and ultimately P&L. Still very much looking forward to getting home but these days I don’t find myself counting days or weeks - fingers crossed that rock bottom is somewhere in the past. I guess S arriving in HK is also another small win - always good to have a buddy over here in a foreign land

Also I’m getting the sense that the time apart with C is allowing me to grow even more mature in our relationship and this same sense is telling me its a 2-way thing. The physical distance has encouraged us to be more patient and kind with one another and there is some sort of permanence around it that I hope will carry over when she’s back in my arms again - it does indeed feel like we’ve taken our intimacy to a new level. I was never worried about the long distance but am still very glad that we’ve so far done pretty well and have both learned to make / in the process of making the best of out of the situation

8 more weeks away from the people I care the most about, and it’s been a thoroughly long way from where I was 4 weeks ago. But I’m still taking one step at a time, hoping the next 4 shows as much promise as the last 4 (and ideally with less discomfort) 

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To say that the past couple of weeks at work were being dialled up a couple of notches is probably an understatement. Most days at work I feel as if I am half-powered by adrenaline and many times throughout the day I can feel my heart working out and sometimes I even feel like I am getting close to the edge of being sick. Maybe in being physically alone, I’ve tried to err on the side of caution and hold myself up to as high a standard as possible - but who knows whether that’s good enough and it’s impossible to gauge where I stand. Most of the feedback I get is only when we have what I’d assume to be monthly update calls with V and the team. It’s definitely been a rough couple of weeks for them as well I guess, with what’s going on with this fucking world and everyone working double time. Also it does seem like the team’s trying to continue pushing me just when I thought i got kick it down a notch and cruise but perhaps that would’ve been wholly unrealistic and expectations along that line probably grew out of my out of whack expectations... Man I hope I don’t get things way off anymore when it comes to things like this. Not sure how long this intensity will last, but the only way is to power through it (and hopefully look back on it wryly as a good learning experience). Hopefully I’m able to take next weekend to really disconnect when they’re moving the office - god knows I need the time out for a proper readjustment. To be honest, I don’t think I have the ability to operate at this level for a sustained period of time but... in my own wise words, there’s always another level if you dig deeper

What’s really adding to the struggle is the physical disconnect with my teammates and the overhang of uncertainty that is concurrently floating about in my mind. Compound to that a chaotic environment that’s keeping people focused, there isn’t too much capacity for them to go above and beyond at this point in time. What’s best for me is to hold on to that last conversation regarding being on the “right path” and soldier on - onwards my dude

Beyond that, I can’t say there’s much going on with my life and things have been generally very dry. This past couple of weeks, I’m often so smoked out after work to really do anything really - I just want to check out mentally, get some rest, and make sure I’m ready to go again first thing tomorrow. Also got in a couple of overnight arguments with C and it’s been a draining couple of days to follow the draining couple of weeks but I think we’ve worked past it, so let’s hope we’re past that sticky patch. I really can’t wait to get back to the other parts of my life back in Singapore because there’s so much catching up to do there. I am almost becoming the kind of person to count down to the day I fly and I’d rather not be that but I think in this circumstances, it’s better to lay down my arms than try to fight this... because this too shall pass

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Since I’ve last written, I’ve found out that I’ll have to be extending my stay in Hong Kong for a few more months - it was a real bummer when I heard it but it at least demonstrated continued possibility of working for V full-time. Like what C said, “This isn’t the worst outcome.” I can’t say I am entirely surprised as on my end, I didn’t feel like I had enough face time with him and it’s little wonder he feels the same. Since then, I guess I’ve had further conversations with the rest of the team and also proceeded to contribute more and speaking further to V is also helpful and reassuring. It certainly is comforting that in our talks, I can sense that he also proactively takes my concerns into account and the conversations doesn’t feel purely one-sided. If I had to verbalise what my gut is telling me, I’m getting that competency-wise, V is probably comfortable with me but he’d like more time to assess my personality and fit for the team. Because why not? If I were him, I’d take up this risk-free opportunity as well. Well, from my end, more of the same I guess - work harder, think deeper, contribute more usefully and be more proactive, plenty to improve on. If I’m a betting man, there isn’t too many other people out there I’d rather bet on than me, so I guess it’s a good thing that my fate is in my own hands - at least up to a certain point

In terms of how the extended time out of Singapore if affecting my personal life... I guess it’s mostly downside - I miss C, I miss my family, I miss the buns, I miss my friends and I’d all in all rather be back in my own sunny island but I’ve generally learned to look past these because even though its been negative, it hasn’t been making me distraught to the extent it’s affecting my day-to-day mental well-being. In fact, it’s been pretty far from it - I feel like I’ve been dealing with it all pretty okay and am still pretty convinced that this additional 3 short month of pain is the optimal course of action. I’ve enjoyed the quiet moments and don’t miss the social aspects of interactions too much - not sure if this is credit to my adaptability or I’m fortunate that it’s just a function of my innate personality

Writing about the quiet - it’s always something I associated with introspection but strangely enough, I’ve not written here as much as I thought I would, nor have I felt the real urge to. It’s more motivated by self-reminders to jot down my thoughts. I’m not sure why my musings have generally not been commensurate with the amount of alone time I’ve had... but it might have something to do with me quietly trying to will time to fast forwarding to the day I get to go home. I think I’ve had a fair amount of time outside of work but I think I might have instinctively (or do I dare say desperately) trying to fill it up with any sort of content to distract myself from the sense of dread and loneliness that I was worried could crop up? Maybe that’s my coping mechanism... and I’m sure C has her own for dealing with our time apart - another reminder to focus on being understanding and not to hold anyone else to your own norms

I said it’s mostly downside but it’s far from being 100% downside, I think this short time apart from my loved ones have taught me the importance of being patient, caring and kind to the ones closest to heart. This was supposed to be a work trip - purely professional but it’s at the same time helped me to develop how I view my personal relationships and I think it’s been especially useful for C and my family. I guess sometimes some form of absences really do serve as a reminder of how important some people are in your life - the ones that have been unshakable constants that maybe you have tricked / convinced yourself into assuming that they are forever / taking them for granted. I’ve probably gotten a new appreciation of appreciation itself and I want to be aware of this - no matter where I am in life, physically or mentally. Regardless, I’m very much looking forward to being back home to people I care immensely about

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Found myself going through a laughably number of romcoms these couple of days while passing the time stuck in this quaint room closed off within Hong Kong’s back alleys. I already knew from a young age that romcoms were my guilty pleasures - easy to watch, simplistically funny and usually ends with a certain feel-good factor. Watching The Break Up was slightly different - the show was realistic, the fights were relatable and the film was a good reminder for me to always continue working on a relationship, to nurture and care for it at all times. I hope I’ve learned to never neglect those close to me. A few more weeks till I’m back in sunny Singapore and honestly, I can’t wait

Regarding work... right now it still very much feels like a coin toss. Going back a couple of months I’d thought that at this point I’d have a much clearer picture but having not had much engagement with V given lunar new year and the outbreak, it’s difficult to see tangible progress on a day-to-day basis. Think what I can do would be to continue trying to impress on them my contributions and maybe try to be more proactive in these last few weeks. Would have to be careful not to overdo things as well. If that doesn’t work out, think it could be wise for me to do a hard reset to consider all options available

With the exception of work interactions, the past three months I’ve been largely by myself, something I’ve not actually experienced prior to this. I had not put in much thought about this aspect of the trip and it turned out that there wasn’t much to consider. I was/am as comfortable with the solitude as I had thought I was - headspace continues to be clear if not for the occasionally yearning for intimacy with C. But our conversations keep me grounded and contented and most of all, if I even need it, our time apart has convinced me that she’s the one for me

A couple of times a week, I automatically give myself the prompt on whether I should get off my ass and explore Hong Kong a bit more, take some photos but that’s something I currently find challenging to do. I don’t find myself as inspired enough and forcing creativity is something that doesn’t sit right with me. But I ought to, I think at least for a day or two during the weekends, take a trip to Kowloon for a shoot - bring a bit of Hong Kong’s nostalgia back to the modernity of Singapore

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It’s not familiar to me for me to write about work so much over here but I guess that’s what’s on my mind for the most parts in my time over here in Hong Kong - not sure if its healthy or sustainable but then again I don’t think anyone can be sure. I’m in such a unique position and it might do me good to stay on my toes and be sharp of anything and everything

Introspecting a little, it seems like most signs would appear more promising than not that V will accept me in his team over the longer term but I’m afraid to be optimistic and I must have been / being overprotective of my own feelings in the event things go south. Even writing it out here felt a bit weird, as if I was trying not to jinx myself. It’s something that I have to actively try to not let affect me or cloud my judgement but also at the same time, I need to be seen putting my best foot forward and showing the team that I can value-add. This feeling of insecurity and second-guessing myself is somewhat... new to me and I’m not used to it and I definitely do not like it gnawing at me but I am resigned to acknowledging that it will be part of my subconscious for the next month and a half whether I like it or not

What I can do now is to adapt and learn how to deal with it real-time while demonstrating my worth. At least I am aware of what I am lacking and I think, to my credit, that I’ve picked it up relatively accurately and early and so I can actively work on it - trading vs banking, valuation vs flow, details vs brevity, assumptions vs actions, past vs present, me vs me. While I’m on the bright side, it’s also encouraging that V is proactively asking for a sit-down at the mid-point of my time here to have a discussion. I am grateful for this engagement and his attention is rather uplifting I’ve got to say so let me make the best out of it and be open and transparent with him. 6 more weeks left over here - let’s make the best of it Ed

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Work-wise, this past week has been largely a mixed one for me and I got to experience both sides of it oscillate pretty wildly and quickly in relation to one another. The worst part was the frustration I felt when I wasn’t successful in getting my message across while at the same time feeling insecure about my ability to contribute meaningfully to what already appears to be a very well-oiled team. But then in the space of a few short hours, I was able to see clearly what my role could potentially be - that is not to say that I am ready for it but at least I was able to catch a glimpse of it. And I was fortunate to be able to end the week on a positive note, or the lingering doubt will for sure have soured the weekend. It seems to be that V sees things so very clearly from a macro point of view - based on what I’ve been hearing, KX and him are able to articulately so definitely what their vision for the team is. And what is convincing is not that they sounded crystal clear but also in that they were also acutely aware of the uncertainties that comes along with their ideas. They know they are also just trying things out and are 100% comfortable with it, making no attempts at trying to portray that they know better. I think this speaks volumes about the communication and transparency and openness to ideas that this team has. I think what they have is rare and feel that with each passing day, my desire to be part of this group grows stronger

As much as I feel V and KX are clear in their vision, I’m starting to get the sense that the day-to-day interactions with V are going to be relatively messier and more chaotic. He’s definitely less structured and methodical but despite this, is still ridiculously sharp and intentional in his direction (though there could be many and in all directions). It could very well be just me getting used to his style of work but it does appear that his mind is flying across a thousand different ideas within the span of minutes - it’s something that I need to adapt to and there could be more losses before there are more wins so I’ll have to shake it off and get back at it. In this respect and from what I can see so far, KX makes for a great complement with V - she is almost always calm, reassuring and cheery. And together with P, D as well as the peeps in Japan, London and India, man, what a team they’ve put together right here and I’m convinced that it was more intention than luck that went into this. I have 7 more weeks here and I ought to try to give it my all and get as much out of this as possible, what happens after is beyond my control but I don’t intend to be asking myself a bunch of ‘what if’s’ on my flight back to my beloved sunny island