365-betterdays

[365-betterdays]

april 8, 2024 | 12:18am

hi there! you haven't missed much here. i've been spending a lot of time with my friends and my partner. to start,

march 21-23 - i went to vigan with friends. to be specific, thalia (ofcourse, she deserves to be mentioned first. i love that bitch) , -redacted name bc i hate her- , russ, gerah, ash, yana, and mj ! it was fun. the whole trip felt like a turning point for our friendship. we had loads of fun ! lots of laughs, loud noises. we were basically autism, if autism were a group of people.

i had been breaking my back for research. my friends are included, i struggle opening up to them about how much of my soul is slowly dying due to the paper. will open up, but maybe next week.

year book pictorial ! dam i looked semi-like shit. it was a comical experience, so i don't really mind. it was a character developing-ish moment. mj and thalia had my back after i bawled my eyes out over how unready i was. after the breakdown, i was rejuvenated back into being a bad bitch. especially after finding out the class prude student cried over how ugly she was. i haven't gotten that bad yet lol.

joined an outreach program. *i fed the other half* ... i'm joking !

been doing well in school, i haven't had a single absent since March 7, 2024.

i've been recommended to do community service, no suspension for two major offenses: cutting class and leaving school premises without consent. it's honestly fine. i'll be going home from school much later, 4:30pm. i think?

i think i gained some weight. about 3-4kgs. it's all good. i can bounce back with just less eating. we're good. i'm fine (?)

found a special place in my heart for thrifting. oh god. i have no money.

i've been spending more time in hotels with my partner.

taste in music? i've been listening to lovey dovey music. my relationship is in one of its best states - we've been communicating more and dealing with our relationship in a healthier way.

i've been finding myself more lately. but like, "FINDING" finding myself. i've been setting more boundaries and standards for my relationships with other people and for myself. i love it !

more more more gifts from my partner. after the shit i've been through? i deserve this. :) i love malik so much.

finals and grad coming sooon ! college better watch out.

planning to focus MOOORE this summer on myself. i want to spend more time with friends, family, with malik. look at the mirror more often. find what feels comfortable. find my way back home.

cancelled a trip to elyu. i was too damn tired from pagudpud. 12+ hours sitting on a bus did something to my soul. i FELT my ass turn purple.

mj and yana are a thing now. (a thing i love)

ise went by my house last week asking if she could climb my roof. it was fucking crazy. the bitch's dating a mf sex offender. she also used my name to cut classes. crazy !

speaking of, i've been setting more boundaries diba? emphasis: no more squeezing myself into situations where i'm not needed or looked for. no more forcing myself. i know, it sounds kinda icky. this whole statement sounds like i'm screeching "nO mORe Mr. NiCE gUy" in an icky icky voice. but yeah jokes aside, i'm genuinely proud of myself for this one. no more being a push over. more hatred, but atleast?

malik's been helping me out more often. thankfully. i'm so grateful.

people from the past had been reaching out to me lately. it's kinda crazy.

i love legos now. wowowoweee!

went to manila. moa, rizal park, the national museums. you name it! i also had been going to tags more often with malik too.

i didn't know this list would go this far. you did miss a lot.

[365-betterdays]

febraury 20, 2024 | 5:46AM

The morning breeze danced through the curtains, gently coaxing me awake from my slumber. With a contented sigh, I welcomed the soft light filtering through the window, casting a warm glow over the room. It was a tranquil start to the day, a perfect canvas upon which to paint my intentions.

As I stepped into the shower, the water cascading over my skin felt like a rejuvenating embrace, washing away the remnants of yesterday's worries. Thoughts ebbed and flowed like the currents swirling around me, a gentle reminder of the ebb and flow of life itself.

But amidst the serenity, a sense of unease lingered. Yesterday's missteps weighed heavily on my mind, casting a shadow over the promise of a new day. I had pledged to prioritize my health, to embrace movement and vitality with 6,000-7,000 steps each day. Yet, as I indulged in a tempting piece of chocolate and savored the rich aroma of my morning coffee, I knew I had faltered.

The sweetness lingered on my lips, a bittersweet reminder of my own shortcomings. A pang of guilt tugged at my heartstrings, a silent plea for forgiveness from the vessel that carried me through life's journey.

In the hush of the morning, I found myself longing for the unwavering discipline of others, their steadfast commitment to self-care a beacon of inspiration. Oh, how I yearned to emulate their grace, to dance through life with the elegance of those who held their dreams close to their hearts.

But as the day unfolded before me, I made a solemn vow to myself. Today would be different. Today, I would honor the promises whispered in the quiet of dawn, taking each step with intention and purpose. For within the depths of my soul, I knew that true transformation awaited, a love story between myself and the journey toward becoming the best version of me. And with each gentle stride, I would rewrite the narrative of my life, weaving a tapestry of resilience, courage, and unwavering self-love.

[365-betterdays]

february 18, 2024 | 11:14PM

got my results from ultrasound. need a lifestyle change kase i have liver damage and gallstones. i have a lot of smts this week and i have to work on walking more everyday. i need to gradually work my way up. i need to study more. i need to lessen sweet and oily stuff. i need to work on my thesis defense this friday. i need to stop eating too much or too little. might fast tomorrow (para masanay). need to follow up an incident report ( written )

[365-betterdays]

feb 13, 2024 | 4:57PM

had a very climatic january and febraury (?) let me put you up to speed of the things that happened !

i cut classes with and got caught. i got away with it. i called my parents asap, got a medical certificate to certify and etc. i can view it as both in a good and bad light. i will proceed choose to see it in good. i got away with it :)

me and malik broke up first week of feb, got back together again after 5 days.

i had a cookie business. i made up to 2k something from the first batch. it was nice.

i had an ultrasound recently. people think i'm pregnant (LMFAO)

i gained weight again (boo) just a bit, but the scale went up so yeah haha.

me and russ are getting closer.

friends are hating on malik, some confused, some chose to see him neutral.

i gave myself a concussion via a bottle.

i reached 1.6k on ig ! woah

had good street food recently. i loved it.

malik got me flowers.

kalbo na si malik ! ay and we celebrated our anniv yesterday, and the other day.

took myself out on a date.

been making an effort to save some cash, go me!

i miss thalia <3

still trying to make an effort to not skip school by being absent. so far? it's less than usual. i'm still caught up with lessons, quizzes, etc.,

got my thesis title approved yay !

[365-betterdays]

january 7, 2023 | 8:03PM

i feel empty - empty but hopeful, at the same time. i'm confused. i'm stressed. i don't know how or what to do. but i'm hoping for the best. i still have goals. i still want things.

lately, i've been in a major brain rot. i feel so incomplete.

[365-betterdays]

right emotion = right thing | oct 24, 7:00PM

hello, it's me again! i just wanted to say that my emotions are so off the fucking course. i need to feel accordingly.

[365-betterdays]

october 24, 2023 | 6:37pm

second attempt of the month, i'm stressed. i don't really feel well. physically? i've lost weight. i've reached 67kg from 75, my opposed highest number the past months since i've been in a relationship. it's been fluctuating from 67 up to 70, but i don't really mind.

so far, all i know is that - i'm in a really really bad place. good and bad. i don't really know who to talk to or approach about this kind of stuff but i'm happy to have my friends around to keep me sane. they make me happy and they help me forget about the shit i'm dealing w every once in a while. i've been making bad decisions as well whilst knowing the fact that they are bad! so stupid.

wanna know what i'm thinking? i want to stop being such a perfectionist. i am such a perfectionist talaga. i want everything to go well as always and i avoid every situation where i could make mistakes or i could be wrong because i never liked the idea of being corrected. i hope i can grow and accept and learn to become exactly that someday. it's not now. but i think it starts with forgiving myself and trying again.

i forgive myself for hurting myself, again. i'm sorry for the things i've done wrong, for the things i've said that hurt others and for not always knowing what the right thing is. i'm so sorry for always fucking it up. i'm sorry for pushing away things that are good for me but i'm also so afraid of. i'm sorry for being so scared and anxious. i'm so sorry for making mistakes. i'm so sorry for being a terrible person, daughter, sister, niece, partner or whatever bullshit. i'm a terrible friend. and i want to do better, i really do. i just always don't know where to start because the idea of having to carry all the wrong things i've said and done and having to make up for them requires me to feel all the guilt down to my very core and that's enough punishment. and i have no way of turning back. i can only accept that i've led myself to where i am now. i blame me. it's always been my fault and no one else's, really. i hope i can find my worth behind of these mistakes and move forward, because i know that takes a lot. i hope i can take accountability because lately, i really don't know how to because i'm in so much fucking pain that i don't even know where it's stemming from. i want to do better. i want to do better. i'll say that as many times as i could. i want to carry on during the right time and ask for some space. just so that i can really think about things and move on. i need to be able to think about it as clearly as i could and i really can't at the mean time. i'm still so very busy.

i have to make it up with my friends via making an effort to show up. need to catch up on my school works and grades and try as much as i could to offer help to others, or at least take a load off other's backs but not in a "you can use me" way. i need to know my boundaries on that part. i need to stop being so shy to ask for help ! i need to just experience, experience, and experience and know what works for me and what doesn't. i will do better. i need to be needed. i want to be wanted. i want to be necessary. i still need to open up a bit more because i rarely do. i really RARELY do. i need to be more open to the fact that i'm dumb, honestly. cos i really am. brah.

i'll do better i promise. i really do. i need to do better. because i love myself, i love my family, i love my friends and i love my partner. i want to do what's right. okay. i want to be a better person for everybody.

[365-betterdays]

aug 25, 2023 | 7:32AM

it's 7 in the morning and i'm back to my old routine. i had class today - emphasizing "had" because i decided to not to wake up and go. i cleaned up my pet's cage and washed up a few dishes to ease my mom's morning. she's been stressed lately. so have been i.

today. today is a mental health day. i haven't been having one of those lately. and it's always due to my own fault but somehow, i always find someone to blame and bring down to the drain. sometimes i wonder if i existed just to break things. or people. i decided to let go of my dream of becoming an academic weapon. i decided to let go of my terrible habit of hating my body and myself so much. i don't like hating myself so much. i mean, who does? i decided to date someone who i hate and love so much. i decided to accept things as they are right now.

everyday, i can choose. i can choose to do something different. i can choose to not go to school, change my hair, to stop loving someone, to start hating someone, to self-sabotage or to love myself a little bit more or maybe, a little less. i love self-control. but that's not how life goes. sometimes, there are really a lot of things i just can't control. some things just happen naturally. and i can't do anything about it. sometimes, you just learn how to accept things. as they are. right now.

i want to live my life. and maybe that's how to do it - as naturally as possible. by abiding every rule, and letting the uncertain be uncertain. to stop being so afraid of living a completely different life than what i anticipate. to stop being so scared of being judged, to stop being so scared of showing who i really am and who i'm not. i want to break free.

and where are you in all of this? you've been teaching me to let go of control and let you do the work. that it's okay.. that my life will be my life. that i don't have to pressure myself so much to be worthy of love and acceptance, especially of yours. that i don't always have to be strong and to have grit. because no matter how much i try to hide it and pretend to be someone i can't always be, who i really am will always seep its way through. you know me for who i really am and it's up to you to guide me in the right way and the right life. you know i'm tired. you know i need some control. and i will let you, or i'll try anyway. i will put my walls down and lay off my guard. i want to accept that this isn't really giving up. it's trusting that it's all really up to you. i don't have to be so analytical and so nonchalant and so strong and so pretentious and so persisting or whatever idea i have of myself. i want to let go na talaga. i'm so tired. i want to care less even though i really care so much. i want to care more about the right things the right way. i want to stop thinking na everyday everything i do is wrong.

because by thinking that everything i do and everything that happens is within the scope of my control - will give me the opportunity to become the person to blame. something i happen to love doing. i always find myself thinking that i'm the problem. that i'm broken, someone that i have to fix.

just let it go.

[365-betterdays]

my current happy pill | june 14, 2023 6:21PM

i can finally confirm my love for film and art.

the past few days since last week had been an absolute blast. despite the boring hours, ever since i got my dslr, things seem less repetitive. i had plenty of fun taking pictures of moments, people, places, and things. everything. i'm not saying it's my certain passion in life. i'll never really know where this life will take me or what kind of path i'm heading towards to. i'm taking a degree far away from all of this. i don't know.

i just know that with this camera, life feels.. like life. and man, life is just so beautiful. i feel alive. i don't expect a lot of people to understand that.

[365-betterdays]

reconnecting activities | june 9, 10:51PM

i've been feeling a little bit not myself these days, which of all things to feel, is the worst.

[365-betterdays]

may 11, 2013 | 6:01PM

random thought of the day, i want to be a good storyteller. i know that being "interesting" is quite subjective. these people might find me interesting, some won't. but i know for a damn fact that i carry a lot of good funny stories but i do not deliver them well.

Read a bunch of short stories, listen to comedians that tell jokes in form of short stories, listen to podcasts where people tell stories to get a feel of the different kinds of storytelling. Try to analyze them, when they introduce characters, how they do it, how long they devote to introduction and so on.

Then decide on a few of stories and telling them to different groups and see how they react. You'll get the feel of it and be able to do it more spontaneous.

comedians: Louis ck, Jin Jeffries, Robin William, maronzio vance, Chris d'elia, Kevin Hart, Godfrey, maz jabroni. dave chapelle

[365-betterdays]

may 8, 2023 | 1:30PM

how to practice acceptance

1.) thought defusion (what i'm currently doing)

personally, i think na it is a good way to spate ourselves from the content of our thoughts and view them from an objective point of view. this helps me by a ton kasi at that point, the things i feel and the thoughts that pop inside my head are so much easier to accept. kasi ugali ko na talagang i-reject or i-refuse siya eh. it allows me to see my thoughts for what they are, just thoughts and not necessarily the truth. 2.) leaning in. my anxiety in this relationship is one big ass fucking ugly bully. and as we all know, the best way to deal with a bully, is not fighting back kasi that's what bullies want - a reaction. for the ugly thoughts that happen to cross my mind, it's best to ignore them sometimes. wala. it's all just playful indifference, tnx nalang brain 4 the added info or j simply not entertaining the dumb thought at all. the less i feed my anxious thought, the less likely they are to return or trigger an intense reaction. 3.)

ACT states that we need to categorize our thoughts not as good or bad, right or wrong, but rather as either helpful or unhelpful.

This is because when we label a thought as bad, we sensitize our brain to that thought, telling it that this could be a danger, so stay alert.

When we instead drop the judgment and simply ask, is this thought helpful? Is it serving me? Does it align with my values as a person and as a partner? Or would it take me away from the kind of relationship I want?

For you to answer these questions, you need to first clarify your personal values – what kind of person and partner you want to be.

To do this, imagine you had no anxiety, what kind of partner would you want to be? How would you like to treat your partner? How would you like your partner to describe you and describe the way you make them feel?

It’s important to note that values are not the same as goals. While goals have a definite endpoint that you reach, values, like kindness, honesty, or growth, are continuous guides to living.

When you have your values clear, you get to act in a way that’s aligned with these values. For example, if one of your relationship values is to be a loving partner, even when you don’t feel loving, you can still choose to act in a loving way, that, not only improves your relationship, but can also shift the way you feel.

[365-betterdays]

may 8, 2023 | 1:21PM

while i can't control the intrusive thoughts that pop inside my little dirty mind, i can still control my response. baka kailangan ko lang din i-accept 'yung fact na i feel these things kasi nga.. i am an anxious person. acceptance. i hope i stop judging myself for having anxious thoughts. i'm not a bad person for having these thoughts. i hope i can stop hating the experience or hating that i feel that way. i hope i can stop "thought-stopping" by completely not thinking all together. at that point kase lutang na ko 24/7 tbh. i also hope i can stop resisting or refusing to feel that way.

sometimes, the reason why we feel anxious is that we believe these thoughts, feelings, and experiences shouldn’t exist. as long as we believe that, our minds will continue to produce warning messages. keep in mind that anxiety in and of itself is not a bad thing. it is an adaptive threat response, that’s fundamental to our survival. therefore, it cannot (and should not) be completely eliminated, no matter how good you become at catching your cognitive distortions.

tolerating and accepting anxiety means making space for your feelings and expanding your definition of what you’re willing to feel and how much you’re willing to feel.

i want to redefine happiness in our relationship. lalo na't magkaiba kaming tao. we have our differences. and that's usually never solved, it can only be managed. honestly naman kasi, wala namang mali with feeling irritable, bored, turned off, or having off-days in relationships. i can choose to stop fighting and let your thoughts and feelings be – and i can redefine what it means to be happy.

[365-betterdays]

may 8, 2023 | 12:38PM

1.) Black and white thinking. isipin mo yun. ang daming kulay sa buong mundo pero pagdating sa mga importanteng bagay, sa dalawa ka lang umiikot ikot. whenever there's a flaw or issue in me and malik's relationship, i have this big urge to leave him. it hurts me to admit na ganito ako since the dawn of time kasi at that point i'm also admitting that i've put myself in the position of a shitty toxic person. i have a lot of regret on this part, kasi mahal ko naman siya eh. pag nagkamali siya, i'm just always.. so ready to give up. i'm hoping that i learn which of my uglie intrusive thoughts i can genuinely listen to and which thoughts, yung talagang anxiety-driven. minsan kasi my mind goes directly for the worst-case scenario and the truth is, di ko naman talaga alam lahat. i hope i can remind myself na it's not the only way to think and i have a lot more control of my thoughts. they're just thoughts. not facts.

"just because *trigger*, doesn't mean *worst case scenario*."

just because malik left to go to the gym, it doesn't mean he does it because he wants to spend time away from me. it doesn't mean that he hates me or resents spending too much time with me. just because i felt like he resents spending too much time with, it doesn't mean that it's a sign for me to spend "too much" time without him either. just because he chooses to do something with his time over me, it doesn't mean that he'll abandon me in times of need.

'di ko alam kasi kung bakit. pero minsan, i couldn't find a gray area for the times i get triggered. lagi akong fight or flight. i hope i can adjust that. 2.) naniniwala akong meron akong superpower. isa akong fortune teller HAHA. the best way to describe this kind of anxiety is that whenever i happen to think of one bad conclusion, it always leads to another. nag gym nga lang si malik, parang ang sama sama na ng loob ko. ang laki laki kasi ng tinatalon ng mga iniisip ko.. :> nako po. baliw nga talaga ako. bat ganon. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. i guess the best way to deal with this is not necessarily not thinking na bad things will happen. i think it's just appropriate to find peace in not knowing what really happen. and that despite whatever may or may not happen, i can always do my best to cope with it and i'll always have options. it's tomorrow's problem! 3.) the need to always become valid.

minsan kasi, when i feel something sooo strongly i just happen to believe that it's true agad. like, kapag nagseselos ako.. iisipin ko agad ipagpapalit na ko. wala naman akong evidence to back that up. lahat naman siguro ng tao merong gut feeling at instincts pero given na nga na meron akong anxiety eh, so it's not really best to follow through just because i felt it. sometimes these emotions at best just shows us what we fear in general, than an indicator of the truth. maybe i'm just really just.. scared na mapagpalit ako. and that's okay to admit. if anything, it's better to do so given na malik's very open naman to have that conversation. ang swerte ko na nga sa part na yun eh. bale, i hope i find a fine line between not disregarding my emotions and making sure na 'yung nararandaman ko lang is just a fear/trauma response. kasi minsan the more u fear, the more it stops u from enjoying a lot of things. like this relationship. jusko. 4.) ang aking pagiging perfectionist. sometimes i have unrealistic views on our relationship, aaminin ko yun. minsan kasi when i feel any negative emotion, i always assume na something's wrong. at that point, delusional na din ako. ang pagmamahal ng isang tao, it will never be perfect. by the end of the day, i have my flaws. malik has his. our relationship is bound to have its ups and downs. magkakaroon at magkakaroon parin talaga ng challenges. i think it's important for me din to take a pause- whether my thoughts are realistic ba or helpful for the both of us. di porket i feel unloved, i feel abandoned, i feel ignored, 'di ibig sabihin it's a sign to stop and drop everything just because feeling ko "di ko naman dapat to nararamdaman eh."

the truth is, we lose so much in pursuit of perfection that we miss out on the real thing and the good-enough things we have. flaws will always be here and there. willing naman na din ako tanggapin lahat ng buo. mahal ko na yung tao eh. he's worth it kahit 'di siya perfect. this relationship is not the best, lalo na't subjective naman ang pagiging best. pero eto ang masasabi ko. it's definitely enough for me na.

5.) comparison :)

meron na kong built-in tendency to compare myself to other people. it's hard not to feel inadequate lalo na't i know there are 7 billion other people he could rather be with. sana i just find comfort and just enough trust in him to be grateful he chose me.

6.) mahilig magbasa ng utak.

naniniwala ako lagi na kayang kaya kong magbasa ng tao. i always assume what he's thinking tas di ko manlang naiisip yung mga alternatives. minsan napproject ko kasi yung fears ko by assuming that those fears are his thoughts. for example, takot akong naiisip niyang pangit ako. so iisipin ko nga naman talaga na naiisip niya ding pangit ako HAHAHAHAHA. ang babaw pero you get the message. wala naman akong present evidence pero i just always assume the worst or the thing i'm just afraid of.

if i do happen to think that he's thinking of a certain thing, ttry ko nalang din to look around and see if may evidence ba talaga to support my claim. pag wala, i think it's safe to assume na it's just cognitive distortion. it's just.. my anxiety. that's all.

[365-betterdays]

may 8, 2023 | 12:10PM i woke up today after a full-on conversation with malik about his past relationships. we've always talked about past relationships, which is nothing new, really. i've had this kind of conversation in the past. and to be quite frank, i realized today that i may have some underlying issues when it comes to relationships itself. as much as i'd hate to become a hypocrite, based solely on my harsh belief that people who engage in self-scrutiny are destructive, i have come to terms that i may have relationship anxiety.

anxiety had already been a problem for me and based on my past experiences, i found that CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) works best for me during the times i do happen to feel negative emotions.

i would love to share with you today what these emotions are. what they look like, how they affect me, and why i think it's a problem.

[365-betterdays]

may 3, 2023 | 5:54PM

the end of the school year's crippling a little too close. before we even know it, we'll all be in vacation. i haven't been my best self nor have i been taking care of my physical state. school's getting a little boring. i found myself wanting to leave every single minute i could. i've been eating a lot. like tons. so much that i could say, this is exactly how bad it got back then. and for some reason, yeah. i pinned loads of the blame on malik. :> hihi

on the contrary, (i'm not proud but yea) i am gaining weight. i had gained weight. even if it sounds completely ironic, given that i just got back here from my workout a few minutes ago, i've always believed that there's a lot more to me than just my mass. i may not know a shit or two about being skinny. it's been fucking years. but, i know for a fact that there's nev4er a workout i regret. a workout that i ended up feeling worse after.

it' always just good vibes and i love that. maybe by summer, we don't know. i might just have enough time to do it more often. 🌞

[365-betterdays]

april 21, 2023 | 1:56PM

i firmly believe that i manifest whatever i type here. i, share ko lang, have not been having a good time. i mean, i am. some days. it's happy today, a little bit later not so much. i get unstable minsan pero that's okay. i think it's funky.

first and foremost, as i've said time and time again, i should get my shit together. i recently encountered a problem with my past traumas and i think i've handled it well. maybe, not to the point that i don't give a fuck about it anymore. but to the point where it's just not worth spending my time and mental well-being for.

honestly, i don't know if i'm countering all of what i'm feeling with these silly quotations. no matter how valid it is to feel what i feel, i hate feeling powerless. i hate having no control whatsoever over what's already happened. besides, there's nothing i can really do about it apart from just ignoring it. people say things. but they don't know who i am, therefore, whatever they say is invalid. i think. i'm cool with it.

anyways, what can i do? i can only continue living my private little happy life. i can only forgive myself and focus on what i can change. whatever's been done is done. it's in the past, it's gone. it has no power now. i'm done with the hard part.

/hence, the silly quotations./

i forgive you, self. i forgive you for everything and every stupid shit you've done. you were a child. you were stupid and you made dumb decisions. sometimes those dumb decisions can haunt you and bite you in the ass *emotionally* but besides that, you're all good. because you're allowed to grow and learn and heal from those mistakes. whatever you feel, it's okay. it's valid and it doesn't make you any less stronger.