3iysa

[3iysa]

4/21

hey, I am just over here thinking about what I want versus what I am receiving. I want a man who thinks about me, wants to ensure there is a comfortable safe space, wants to take action on his feelings and will do is so consistent that I wouldn't have to question or wonder...

I am not sure if I want to proceed in this because I don't feel like I am going to be able to get what I want. Though it's been very early, I don't think I should be feeling like this. I think I could be considered sometimes, I think I could be checked on, I want to be called/texted to more, I want affection. Though things take time, I feel like I should be feeling more optimistic... I don't. if I continue to feel like this throughout the month of May then I dont think I can continue. I am starting to feel like how I did when I dated Jeff. I know he likes me but he doesn't really like me a lot. I do not want to repeat another situation like that. the man I want to emotionally invest in has to be coming in hard, consistent and never leave to even think or wonder if this is something he wants to do because in the way he treats me, talks to me, checks in on me--I will know. I want this to work, but I am not going to force anyone or anything to love me ..

[3iysa]

3/22/2024

First of all, I am highly highly highly irritated. I wish I didn't feel this way when dating guys, but is it really my fault? I want consistency, assurance and proven effort from anyone I deal with BIG OR SMALL. I literally cannot put myself through these constant phases of anxiety, Like I really wish I wasn't like this. I don't want to be like this, I don't even know where to rationalize? I just know I cannot date any male being that has a finicky way of communicating its triggering, gives me anxiety and also doesn't make me feel good or contribute to the belief that EYE am someone that this person likes, admires or anything. I hate this about me, I wish I didn't care or wore my heart on my sleeve. this shit is just self fucking destructing. like damn, what I am asking for is so REALISTIC! Like terrance said, there is many men who would love to talk to me etc. I am so done, after April 8th baby I am tapping OUT. I literally cannot do this shit. I really wish I wasn't coming home anymore, I don't want to, I want to detach.

[3iysa]

[3iysa]

am I in a funk ?

sometimes I am, sometimes I am not. today, I felt good. I was joyful and feeling positive...tonight, or right now per say...I am not. just really feeling unconfident about somethings, just looking at where I need to work on and feeling sorry for myself because most things I have to do alone or take care off myself. it would be nice to have someone who takes things off my shoulders, motivate and speak life into me and help Make me feel good. it seems like what everyone wants from me, men really are things that I cannot give or what they offer me are things I dont really have a need for. Aside from that, working on myself is just hard and stressful. Especially when you are trying but feeling like you are not doing enough, or just not where you want to be. Discouraging thoughts and questioning can things truly occur happen to me a lot. right now, it's just me..making it happen for myself and by myself. I feel like Im my own everything.

This week, I want to be positive, consistent and trust God. Im not gonna lie, my focus has been off and things that aren't important are messing with my mission. sometimes I just want to over indulge in pleasures. I just, I dont know. I feel like this a lot and I always have, but it will not win this week. im praying and hoping for my blessings that will happen and to have a man, a team to support me so much I cant even believe. at least, I feel confident about running again..and my knee feels good. I should practice more gratitude, sometimes I forget....

goodnight, its 4am on a Sunday...just fucking up my sleep schedule tbh.

[3iysa]

2/19/2024

For this to be the month of love, I feel so alone inside... I dont know why these things keep happening to me. I am constantly trying to block thinking that it's bad luck and think positive but its hard.

I am still bothered about last Saturday, in the dmv. still no contact, and I am wondering why. if I did something or say something or is it because I wasn't interested in a night cap. this feeling sucks and I never want to talk to him again, we are not friends...I don't want to be friends anymore. I am okay moving on for the rest of my life without speaking...apart of me Is hurt because it was someone who I really admired and cared about but the way I see him now is the complete opposite. it sucks losing a friend...I also cannot wait to be alone in my apartment, in my solitude. I just want to get out of this constant dissapoinment with men..this is really wearing me down. I told myself I am going to avoid unhealthy situations but the feeling keep finding me. no matter what I do a man always finds a way to upset me and right now, I feel disappointed, lonely, confused, bamboozled. thinking someone valued me to some certain extent and they showed me just how much they did...lol do I have to stay away from men? thats what I am thinking. I think for a while, I am good and want to stay away.

[3iysa]

I often times wonder how I am seen by the opposite sex. Who exactly do they see me as. I get such an uneasy feeling thinking and remembering the times where they see me as a play toy, a rag or someone easily forgotten about and i feel like i am the complete opposite. I want to be seen as a woman that you should respect and handle with care, that you have to walk on eggshells with because you kmow I am so precious that you can’t say the wrong thing..Someone who is valuable, who is an asset. I know they wont know this at first glance, but it seems like no matter what comes out of my mouth stupid or smart they will see me as the complete opposite.

Why does these unfortunate circumstances happen to me? I am fed up and tired and just feel depleted from the male sex. It happens to me all the time and I am coming to the conclusion to stop trying, to release all amount of effort. I am now starting to wish I didnt desire love or care for it. I am now just wanting to indulge myslef in other values. I dont deserve the treatment I am given.

Once again, i wonder what they see when they look at me or even get to know me. I think so negatively about it. It’s depressing. I wish i never made the decision to come home and spend time with hakeem. I regret it now. It’s the same thing i always get. Unconsidered, not thought about & more..i don’t know what is wrong with me.

[3iysa]

I need love.

I am not going to lie, I want love. I need love. I see all these women getting loved (hopefully it's healthy) and here I am alone, cold and craving some kind of intimacy, desire, attention, care etc. I just want something genuine. I want a lot this year, and I pray to God that I receive it. Getting these things will be super fulfilling...

[3iysa]

my feelings on my knee arthritis stage 1-2.

maybe if i hurried up and went to sleep, id be closer to not feeling a thing.

its weird, its achy, its cracking

its soft, its sensitive, its apart of me now

did i damage it or did someone else did

i think about the days when I never even felt it.

i know that this might be my life, but im not letting it take away my life. My pride

this pain, is not my favorite.

I know im going to have to start making some changes.

im scared, im afriad. I dont ever want to be cold

Im hopeful. I will be strong. I will be mobile. This is not the end.

[3iysa]

So i been feeling mad lonely lately…and one part of it is soothing and another is boring. Its good for me i guess. Since i have alot to work on, but i miss loving someone and being sweet. Not sure if i will come accept anyone or anything because i never go out and the places i do go, i dont want those kind of dudes you get me. I have been feeling very depressed like lately & you kno why. …anyways im dreading going home for turkey day for so long but we are here.

[3iysa]

[3iysa]

I've literally haven't posted any pics of me in AGES...so here is me standing at 5'8, 175 pounds in October of 2023.

[3iysa]

I want so much more for myself

today I was daydreaming and wrote on about 20 mini sticky notes what I would be doing if I had more money at the moment. I dont want to just live like THIS. Yes I am grateful and I am doing what I can, but I literally have to keep applying pressure to the things I want in live and they mostly relate to success, health love and lifestyle. I want more for myself and I see it. I get overwhelmed by the thought and constantly have to remind myself that it WILL happen and I need to trust GOD and do everything that I AM SUPPOSED TO DO. What makes it hard is the constant self doubt, insecurities, anxiety, distractions , lack of focus. I ask God to please help me at all times because I know this journey will not be easy, I ask him to Give me the strength and perseverance to become this woman I am trying to be. Inshallah

[3iysa]

so much

hey tumblr, its been awhile but I haven't forgotten about you..I moved to a new state and just been going through a wave of emotions. the same emotions I battle--success, discipline, love, light etc. I really am just taking it one day at a time...I promised myself I would make the most out of my week so lets see where that takes me.

[3iysa]

I SURRENDER

I HERE BY SURRENDER

The want or need for love or anything related To it.

I give up the effort. the thought. the craving. 

I have been beaten down to the core so much that now I hereby surrender.

I fucking surrender being nurturing, soft and genuine.

I fucking give up being loving and trustworthy.

I am DONE being nice, I am DONE being optimistic. I am done being an angel.

This is my THIRTEENTH REASON

[3iysa]

all men do is make me cry and trigger me since the day I was born. only once have a man ever gave me a reason to believe that the whole species are complete dimwitts. It kills me inside so much that I have grown so much scorn, trust issues and so on. it's not fair, it is really not. internaly it makes me feel very unworthy and like I am just good for sex and I AM MORE THAN THAT! LIKE WOW. How can you be so stupid, I worry all the time and very self conscious most times. now a days, I really question the MOTIVE behind most men because 98% of my experiences have been horrible. it is not doing me well at all. At this point, I really give up. I surrender.

[3iysa]

7/9/2023

When this all started, I am not sure...I just been kind of down lately and I dont even know what to do about it...I still am just on auto pilot but I really want to take a break to pause, breathe and organize myself..I think I am just battling where I am vs where I want to be, my actions, my triggers and etc. 

[3iysa]

i feel like i have been on the surface and I am so ready to feel emotionally physically and mentally I am ready to be comforted, loved and taken care of these past few months. I have had a hard time battling those emotions and my need for wanting it right away. It has left me in a lot of self deprecating situations that really took a toll on my mental health, I am starting to do better. It’s only that my physical pain is really leading the world to appear, more darker than what it really is. I really hope this is not my life and I hope that I can find the consistency and discipline to feel better look better and do better . I want to be great for my future. I want to be great for the things God has prepared for me. And it’s hard doing it myself. I am tired of doing things by myself. I used to pride myself on being independent & not needing anyone for anything, and I realize that have the word me out so much. It is still a principal I might appreciate it will most definitely. and wrong with having someone by your side to love and take care of you. I am so excited for the new things. God has in store for me, but I am also worried that my thoughts and weaknesses will be detrimental. I am doing all of the necessary steps to make sure that doesn’t happen and all I can do is be helpful and cross that bridge when I get there. It is so hard finding someone that is earnestly interested in you and have your best interest regardless of how I look, but truly for who I am. I can only to find that, even though these past couple of months have been rocky, I have build my confidence on faith and trust in God, I believe in him to guide me and give me the right decisions to make in order to fulfill the things I want and need in the future