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July!

Hi friend, it is currently the first week of August and its time to write! it kind of sucks that I don't have a therapist anymore, and the only people I feel comfy talking about my issues are friends and my boyfriend. So I decided to talk about some stuff on here. work has been getting busier, but I think I get decently paid. school starts in two weeks~ and I have been having a lot of anxiety because I fucked up my class schedule. I was supposed to switch one of my courses, but instead dropped the one that was okay and cannot waitlist for two courses. I emailed the dept chair asking if there was a way to get added to the course I shouldn't have dropped. No reply yet, but I understand that it is the weekend so they are not working. Panic will start kicking in if I haven't heard back by Wednesday.

something else that I have noticed myself struggling with is my anxious attachment. when trying to explore how I developed it, It makes sense that it has come from abandonment and feeling neglected in relationships where all I wanted was to feel loved. AKA with my parents. In previous romantic relationships, I have noticed I "settled" for people that showed slight interest in me. As a teenager, I accepted relationships for the perks that came with it, such as attention and affection. I had to almost convince myself to like these people. but this would eventually backfire as I was the one getting broken up with and experiencing heartbreak. Taking a long break from relationships/dating (around 4 years?) was a very good decision. I focused on school and friendships, especially during covid where making online friends from college became very easy as an introvert. Once I graduated, it hit me that now that I was done with school and working full time, there was something that felt like I was missing. holidays made me realize I was craving a romantic connection. I had suffered from dysthymic depression for so long that I had not realized what I yearned for until I got on medication and began to feel better. I decided to try online dating around spring of 2022. that was an interesting experience. I started dating someone who had no previous relationship experience. I was hesitant at first, I wondered if there was a reason they were not successful, or was it external factors/unluckiness? I quickly realized it was nothing to do with unluckiness and everything to do with his porn addiction. Looking back, I genuinely feel sympathy for men that have effected so much by their porn consumption that they cannot speak to women irl. The scariest part was realizing that the person you thought you knew fairly well was the exact opposite. Online, he lived a completely different life. sex-obsessed and porn rotting brain in a site where he could anonymously roam in. I was able to get over that person fast because I realized I wasn't really into them, just into the attention they gave me. im aware that sounds shallow, but it was what I really needed at the time. The post and comments that I also found quickly made me realize I did not know this person at all.

Fast forward to February, I was feeling a bit sad that valentines day was coming up and I had no plans. Solitude became something I was comfortable with these past couple of years, but I still yearned for something. So I decided to download hinge and see what was in the dating pool (lol). some strange dates after, I met a guy that I clicked with. He was everything I couldve asked for; beautiful, hawt, nice, charming. Both sides clicked and we decided to get in a relationship. Fast forward to now, we are almost 6 months together and I am the happiest version of myself. Now here is where Im struggling. My anxious attachment is biting me in the butt. I am so scared that he is going to wake up randomly and decide he doesn't like me anymore, or unable to resist temptation and be unfaithful. A big reason why I have these irrational thoughts is due to stories I have heard online and irl, and my past relationship traumas. Yet I feel like a dick for even thinking that he would do anything like that. I think something that also plays a role is possibly how many sexual partners he's had, and how good he is at sex. im afraid that I won't be able to satisfy him fully that way, and that he will seek it elsewhere like so many men do. and he's so fucking hot too which makes me nervous! like other people can see him and say "dayum." AH! I have talked to him about this, because I know that if I don't, I will begin over analyzing his behaviors/actions and convince myself that my delusions are correct. He is so sweet to me. He picks me up from home, buys me food/dinner, talks to me and listens to my worries without being defensive, tells me that he loves me, introduced me to his family and friends, has met my fam and some friends, isn't selfish with money. I feel that sometimes it feels to good to be true. Like, this is some evil psychological trick that will lift me up and then crash on me. why do I feel like I don't deserve good things? why do I overthink so much to the point where I make myself cry? I feel so unstable sometimes. am I planting rotten seeds that will eventually make him realize he cannot be with someone so emotional? I deserve good thing. I deserve love. I deserve him. He is everything I could have ever asked, and I am so afraid that I am not the same for him. Im not in shape, I am not conventionally attractive, I have terrible hyperpigmentation, I don't have cool hobbies, I put all my self worth into making others proud. thats why im even starting grad school in the first place. I come from a very poor upbringing, I have little to no family around me. I could go on and on, but what good will that do. it will just make me feel worse about myself. I need to work on this. I have heard from others how good I am as a person, that I am beautiful in my own way. I guess I just need to believe it.

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You have illuminated my world with a love so profound, A love that surpasses all expectations, so enchanting. In your embrace, I find solace, a haven of affection so pure, For you have taught me what it means to be truly adored.

How did I exist without this love, this warmth I now possess? Long had I yearned for a connection, a love that would caress. Your presence, like a precious gem, I cherish with all my might, In awe of your beauty, both inside and out.

To describe your physical allure would take countless days and nights, For you possess a beauty that transcends earthly delights. But it is your inner being that captivates me, my love, A depth of soul so profound, it feels like a gift from above.

Your face is a masterpiece I long to tenderly kiss, To lose myself in that moment of bliss. I cannot help but wonder if we met in a time before, For the connection we share feels so surreal.

My hope is that I evoke the same sensations, That my love for you brings elation. I care not for the judgments of the world, for I am unafraid, To declare my love for you, to proclaim it, undismayed.

Once I was hesitant, fearing the sound of clichéd words, Yet, now I realize they are but echoes of my true feelings, unheard. And if I were to shout it to the heavens, in a crowd so vast, I would win the "IDGAF Awards" for my love, unsurpassed.

So, hear me now, with all the strength of my heart, my dear, In these words, I lay bare the love that I hold near and clear. For you, my beloved, I shout it from the depths of my soul, With every fiber of my being, I declare, "I love you!"—my heart made whole.

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JULY 2023

greetings future me, it is july 3, 2023, and i am currently sitting on my bed listening to fireworks outside. there was a light outage that took up a good chunk of the day. tomorrow is 4th of july and i will be off from work. things are going very well, and i’m at the best state i’ve ever been. so much good news and abundance. hopefully the holidays at the end of this year i will be able to see beautiful growth in myself and those around me.

nothing much happened this month, all positive things really!! i am so in love and mentally stable :D and i’m not saying that ironically LOL

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isaac, you have shown me what it’s like to be truly and genuinely loved. you have allowed me to love and hold you, cherishing your presence and admiring your beauty. i am not exactly sure how i have gone so long without truly loving someone, and having that same energy reciprocated is something i didn’t know i have yearned for so long. having gone my whole life craving affection and attention, you have fulfilled the needs that my younger self dreamed of. your body is one id love to hold for the rest of my life. outlining your physical beauty would take centuries to complete, and measuring your inner self is something i cannot fathom humans can do. your face is one id love to kiss until i cannot bare to move a facial muscle anymore. i like to think we have known each other in a past life. the way we connect with each other has always felt surreal. i hope that i make you feel the same way you make me feel. i don’t give a flying fuck about sounding cheesy. i used to be embarrassed of sounding like that in the past, until i realized i only felt that way because i was lying to myself about how i felt about others. now that what i feel is true, i could yell it to a crowd and win at the idgaf awards. i love you!!!

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MAY '23!!

haillo,

its already June 8th, which means May flew by so quickly. I didn't read or skim past my last entry. mostly because im sure of what I wrote down for April. and its all happy stuff!! im sitting now in the kitchen table of my boyfriends apartment, and it feels a bit strange to complete this entry somewhere public. Athough I have done it at work before everyone arrived, I guess it felt scary but now it feels okay. like there's nothing to worry about. I will be starting school soon, around three months to be exact. Im feeling different emotions, but im sure about what im doing. sometimes my autistic traits strike me down and I feel that I am not socially competent as other people in my field. Guess thats just my own take on imposter syndrome. hearing from people in the field that are younger than me think im much older due to my experience/ the way I present myself is interesting, flattering maybe? idk. time will pass anyway, so I can either be in 2026 with a degree or 2026 with no degree, whallaa!! sometimes I wonder if the better route would be in some field where I don't need as much human interaction, but then I remember that I love people!! I love chatting and hearing about my close pals days, even if I get stuck and have no clue what to bring up or respond. My therapist also broke up with me over a month ago. Not sure if I added that to the past entry. I understand why, im not bitter, but I am working on processing things on my own without relying on a therapist to listen to me in the middle of the week. I am glad that I have connected good friends with her, and I have been Able to see the progress!! It def helped me in ways that I am seeing now. even my old therapist who wasn't in touch helped impact my life in a way. I guess she listened and was the only one listening. WOOPS! Now im sitting on this black table as I complete the entry for may. the month of may was great. I was able to hang out with my friends, enjoy work, and hang out with my boyfriend. I was able to fall deeper in love, and enjoy all the little things in life that I had taken for granted. its strange walking in the chilling morning, hearing all the birds chip as I drink my warm coffee. Not that nature itself is strange, but Its strange that im finally in a point in my life in which my thoughts no longer overwhelm me. I still have my fears, and I am trying my best to work on them. One of them being my fear of abandonment. a part of my brain tries (the evollll part) tries to convince me that I do not deserve the happiness im feeling right now. that for some reason, things will get worse and I will once again fall. Its like premeditating my next depressive episode. I hate it. I try doing some CBT on myself and try to grasp why the irrational thoughts I have are only that, irrational. I really wish I didn't think this way, why do I not believe that I deserve good things? is it my jealousy convincing me that my hot boyfriend has people on a waitlist? idk LOL. I hope to be able to overcome these thoughts one day. Hopefully that will be soon. I know that I cannot keep these thoughts to myself, so I am open about them with my bf. I appreciate the validation I get, and am thankful that his reactions to my DIY processing aren't negative. I hope to reach a point where I don't rethink my thoughts before I tell him. I feel that way currently, but I guess closer. Its terrible to hear my coworkers/friends speak about the issues they have with their partners. overall it looks like they all revolve money somehow. what I find interesting is that it tends to come more from people who grew up well off?? not sure what it is. but I feel like if you truly love and care for someone, spending money on them shouldn't hurt?? especially if you're not poor and broke asf. even poor people find ways to show their love!! its crazy. anyways, thats all I've got. see you in JULLYYY

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APRIL!! 2023

Woah, its may already. 2023 started off VERY interestingly. that isnt a word but it best describes how I feel about it. At the time of Jan (also mercury retrograde lol) I was really struggling. I got broken up with after a three month "relationship" that turned out to be the biggest blessing. in a way, i am grateful that things turned out the way they did with that person. although that doesnt change the fact that they are a perverted creep (which i became aware of after from lurking) i am glad that they followed their desire to pursue other people. I went back and checked one of their social medias to see how they were doing. turns out theyre not doing too well. although i do feel bad, this is in no way my fault, so i shouldnt feel this way. they did it to themselves, and theyre a grown ass adult, so they can figure it out.

I met up with some old friend this April. one was my close friend from high school, who i catch up with like twice a year bc shes always so busy. its wild to see how much can happen in less than a year LOL. a lot of traumatic stuff happened to her, but shes so strong and has started therapy which i really hope helps. Im going to catch up with two of my other friends this wednesday, so that should be fun.

mental health wise, im doing fine. my therapist terminated our sessions this past week. although shes been mentioning it in our past sessions, i didnt think it would be so fast. i understand why, because of insurance reasons mostly, and she stated that i had met all my goals. whew, okay. im medicated now and on ritalin for my adhd which has helped A LOT

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manifestations for 4/11

4/11 Jupiter conducts the sun (planet of abundance, good fortune) sun is in Aries (bold, powerful)

wishlist:

I am living in a beautiful apartment with my loving boyfriend

I am a magical being attracting magical opportunities

I am a success story

I am deserving of high vibrational vibes and love

I attract magical opportunities

I am eternally blessed, glowing, and grateful. I am open to luck and abundance in all areas of my life

I am blessed with abundance, opportunities, and prosperities on April 11th and beyond. I trust in the universes' guidance and I welcome all the positivity and success it brings

I am paid a high wage and blessed with the opportunity to live comfortably in southern california

I have successfully completed my graduate degree and started earning a high wage at a job that I adore

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manifestations + new stuff

what will be happening this year:

will start grad school (3 years)

possibly moving out?

I had talked to my mother about moving out about a year ago. It was just contemplation. What she said to me was nicer than what I imagined it would be. basically, she stated that she would support me, as she knows that I would eventually move on with my own life. this was way better than what I thought it would be. I had internalized the guilt of a first gen daughter, and assumed that I would get hit with a guilt trip. Now that grad School will start in august, I have been starting to actually look into it. the guilt mostly came from how my mother would pay rent. who would cover my portion? I did remember that she told me one of her friends was interested, so maybe she still is? I brainstormed and rehearsed what I would say for the entire day basically. if I said ONE wrong thing, she would easily twist that and use it against me.

The conversation I had with her was tough, but I wasn't attacked which was nice. basically said that if I wanted to do that, I have 30 days to do it and I would have to figure out my own bills that I go half with her. I was taken a back, especially because i didn't state a definite day that I would leave. im hoping it is just a test, lmao? I would have to figure out 1. rent 2. cell phone bill 3. car insurance 4. internet 5. light (utilities) + other expenses like food. I am going half on our car insurance, so that'll be interesting to figure out. it feels like she wants to completely cut me off, which I understand if that is what independence looks like, but it is a very hard transition. my sister will start college soon, so hopefully she can get a job and help my mom with rent + the additional person that will rent my room which I assume will be her friend that was interested.

as for myself, im kind of winging it. I would like it to either be by work, or by school. I should be able to find a decent deal in oc, but lb def has cheaper prices. if I go to lb, I will be leaving oc which I don't think im ready for? my boyfriend has been having issues with his roommate, mostly bc of their differences in lifestyles. based off what he told me, I think his friend may be autistic, which makes it difficult for him to communicate and adapt to change. I feel a bit bad bc it was me coming over that caused this. my bf feels bad bc they've been friends for so long, and he's not sure if he has ruined their friendship. I tried to comfort him and went over how to present his feelings to his roommate, without making it sound like a guilt trip. his roommate said he needs to leave asap, but is open to paying his part until the lease ends (oct) which is interesting. the rate that they are paying is what a 1b1b is going for, which is wild? if his roommate does leave, the possibility of us living together increases. I would feel more comfortable living with him than with new people. it seems very fast, I am aware of that, but I really do love him and don't have a bad gut feeling about this. I still haven't told my mom that I am contemplating living with him, mostly bc I do not want her to see him as a bad person, bc she easily splits. when we had the conversation, she did not bring him up which was a little surprising. there could also be the possibility that she likes him compared to my past partners. I will talk to him about this later today, and what my plan is. im not exactly sure how serious my mom was when she told me she wanted me to have it figured out by may (two weeks?), but she could also be testing to see if im as capable of being an adult as id like to think I am. welp!

income wise, im doing pretty well. I make 25/hr FT, around 4000. my partner makes around the same as well. he's currently doing a certificate program that could bump up his income once he has the certificate and takes advantage of the career center program available for folks in tech classes. based off the stuff he's doing, income will most likely go up (tech related), especially in OC where there's so many companies looking. remote work is also a possibility. I would def not be contemplating moving if we both worked service jobs. but I should be good as rates go up. what im not too sure about is my moms income. she works two jobs, and brings in around 2500/mo. my sister could pitch in around 500 if she gets a job. the roommate (prob her friend, Bee) will prob be looking at 1-1.5k. making it 1k mom, 500 sister, 1.5k roommate. so looks like it should work out? I was also thinking abut my dog as well. initially, we got her for me as an ESA, but she has become super close with my mom and probably likes her the most. so she'll most likely stay here.

im very excited to see what my next steps will be. it will be hard, esp adjusting after being with my mom for so long. but its okay, life goes on and I guess my start will be in 2023.

easter went good! I spent Sunday with I and his family. there was a good chunk of them, around 10-15??? they were all very nice and welcoming! this was his hispanic side, which he basically grew up with. his aunt liked that I spoke Spanish, and they probably liked that I was latino and visibly brown as well LOL. my bf was trying to enjoy the event, but it was hard when he was just thinking about his friendship in the back of his head. I got home early that night bc he was feeling tired, which I understood. it was cool to finally be around a lot of cool people/family. my family is small, and with my moms personality disorder, she always has beef with them so we have NEVER had a gathering that I can remember (23 years? lol) mostly because of her pride and individualistic selfishness. I understand why she would think that way. to her. she's closer with her sisters in Mexico, but due to her status, she cannot see then unless she gets documentation or if she just decides to go back. we have had the convo before, and she has said that her hopes are to go back to Mexico and live in the home that she was been putting money in for the past two decades. ive been aware of this, especially when many of my own clients born in Mexico that have shared that their end goal is to be in Mexico bc they don't want to pass away here. I don't think that will be any time soon. maybe once my sister goes her own way. anyway, thats it for now. I will practice some manifestation bc tiktok astrologers are saying its important

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April

Hi! its April 8th, and im currently sitting in bed as I write some stuff on here. actually now that I think about it, im not exactly sure what it was that I was going to say.

OH WAIT, I remember. I was diagnosed with adhd this year and started meds. that has been a interesting road, and things are starting to make sense now.

this past week was my bfs birthday. I had his gifts ready since mid March, so I took time on Tuesday morning to go to Vons and get him some flowers and a dog plushie of the breed that his childhood dog was. I met him at his birthday dinner on Tuesday and met his family. it was good! ill add more once I get the energy. last entry was a lot!

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March 2023

My last monthly check in ended with a nice little update. today marks 3/28/2023, and i have been in a relationship with my bf since 2/26/2023, and met on 2/22. talk about angel numbers, woaa. i wanted to list out the ways in which he makes me feel so special, and the things that have helped me fall in love with him. 1. communication. i love talking to people, esp when they hold a special place in my heart. dumb tiktok “coaches” say constant communication/ texting is lovebombing, but i disagree. texting is a way to get to know the person outside of their IRL personality, which can sometimes be held back if they are shy. I’ve had constant communication, good morning and night texts, and just silly little conversations and memes we’ve shared with eachother. I get a rush of happiness when i see his name on my notifications, wondering what he just said. his personality is amazing as well. we have a similar sense of humor, and even talking to him IRL is amazing. he’s funny too, and thinks im funny which is always a little ego boost. he’s constantly on my mind, and i want to know what he’s up to. 2. personality and values. i mentioned personality a little before, but it truly is one of the main reasons i clicked with him so fast. its strange to say, but it felt like i was catching up with an old friend, like we’d known each other for so much longer. a persons values are also important to me, and making sure that they align has always been a priority. and they do!! he’s such a caring person, and has not been afraid to be vulnerable/emotional with me. this is something extremely important to me, and i am also very emotional and do not like if people connect being emotionally vulnerable with negativity/weakness. we went to go see eeaao together, and he cried while watching which was a relief (LOL). i wanted to test values that may interfere with our future. if we are fortunate enough to grow older together and have our own children, i do not want to raise them with a parent that will see their emotions as weak, because thats how I was raised and it didn’t turn out so good. overall, he’s an amazing person, and i feel so fortunate to have met him the way i did. thing happen for a good reason. i may not believe in god, but i feel like this was a higher power move. maybe this means I should probably start going to church. 3. he's beautiful!! I like reminding him of this each time I look at him and smile. He replies “no” a lot which makes me a little sad. How can someone so beautiful deny their own gorgeous presence. I understand many people say physical looks shouldn't matter, but I think it def helps to have some eye candy. His beautiful face, body, personality embodies warmth. A sweet type of warmth you only feel after leaving a cold room. A spring-like warmth that doesn't blind your eyes, and feels like kisses all over the body. Looking into his eyes is mesmerizing, and I feel like my belly melts every time we look at each other for long periods of times. His smile, lips, teeth, and laugh make me gush every time I look at them. He told me I was the first to compliment his tooth gap, and the first to hand him his glasses when we’re intimate. a song that reminds me of him is “cocoon’ by Bjork.  im not sure how someone so perfect has been roaming in a neighboring city this whole time. but im so glad that I decided to go with downloading the app and having my friend help me with setting it up. otherwise, im not exactly sure what I would be doing. I know I would probably not be looking to date and just “focusing” on the next chapter of my life. but damn does having someone by my side make things 100% better. I am so in love with this boy that it is almost scary. I haven't felt this way about anybody In a long time. the scariness doesn't come from fear, but from awe that I finally have somebody I can give all my love to. My previous partners were all helpful in their own ways, but I never really felt in love with them (with the exception of one) in my adult life. sure there is always the fear that things may end one day, but I feel certain that even if things do not go as we hoped for, the love I am currently feeling can be seen as a happy, positive time in my life. 

Looking back at the timeline, its like things were perfectly timed out. in 2022, I was feeling the loneliness after graduating from undergrad. I was hurting from the betrayal of my mother and overall reflection of how I was treated as a child. I started therapy in august that year with an actual, good therapist. something I had discussed with my previous therapist was “putting myself out there” which. terrified me at the time. I ended things with her because I felt as we were going no where, and I was right. I've worked on so many things with my current therapist and it has greatly helped improve my quality of life. 

Here are some of the things that Im looking fwd to in 2023:

- starting graduate school. AH! scary! 3 year program

- growing at work. I recently got a raise which is amazinnn

- seeing my good friends again. haven't planned anything but I just have positive intentions LOL

- more memories and growing with my boyfriend. our half year will be 8/26, and 1 year on 2/26/24. how sweet ~U~

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2/28/23 TOTD

hi! wanted to add some stuff about yesterday that I seemed to have forgotten to mention. although i havent been hit up/bothered by them, i still see that they speak about me on their account. specifically, in response to sexual questions that people have. i understand that it can be categorized as a testimonial, but its still annoying to see someone speak about the things i liked to do without my consent. I will also admit, it feels nice to see the other person hurting. this isnt healthy, ill admit that, but i guess it feels good to see them hurt the way i hurt. maybe they’re over it, but seeing them post again searching for fwb is... interesting to say the least. anyway, i blocked them on everything so i dont get a reminder or hit with embarrassment of how serious i took this person. OOPS! 

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Feb 2023

helo!!! we are 3 months into 2023, and wow has it been a ride. the last time i posted, i had been broken up with and was processing the grief. i wanted to reflect on that a little more before i update you on the next things that have happened.

januarys retrograde sucked! or at least that’s what i thought at the moment. i am SO happy things happened the way they did, and that i was let go instead of staying in an awkward relationship that i convinced myself could somehow work. let me list the weird things i now am happy i left behind. 1. lack of sexual discipline. i’m all about sexual positivity, but there is definitely a line that cannot be crossed. fantasizing about weird sexual topics (incest?!) is fucking weird. 2. unrealistic goals. i’m all about supporting people, and i understand that not everyone has similar career timelines, but having unrealistic goals for yourself with things you aren’t even good at was a bit painful to see. i was the funny one basically. 3. couldn’t make me cum. okay, selfish some might say, but damn! couldn’t at least pick up a book or something? 4. mom. okay, your mom was hot and i’ll miss her. you had a terrible relationship with her which should have been a red flag. especially when you physically let out your anger. that’s the list so far that i can think of. basically, i did charity work. i’m not entirely bad bc i got to learn so much about myself and others during this short period of time. my mom asked what happened. i told her things were off, and our personalities weren’t a good match. i’m embarrassed that i brought him over for christmas, especially when he did nothing but complain about the food and games we played with my family. the gift he told me he didn’t even pick out, then later blamed the effort put on my birthday instead. what the fuck? lmao. my mom believes i was used for my body, and warned me to not let other men easily let me give myself up again. i can tell she really didn’t like him, i would’ve appreciate a heads up or something. my best friend also shared similar sentiment. her first issue was when he asked me about having an open relationship, something i would never imagine myself doing as a strictly monogamous person, which i let him know. i believe the desire to explore sexually also let to the breakup, which would make more sense than blaming my physical appearance. an introvert and extrovert aren’t a good “opposites attract” story like people say. anyways, it’s march and things have been awesome. but first let me talk about February.

on the second half of january, i focused on reflecting and healing. i had my therapy sessions and rants with online friends about the issue. their validation helped me tremendously. i will admit that it was easy for me to move on so quickly because i 1. convinced myself to like this person, even as a friend and 2. i didn’t allow myself to fall in love with them. my gut feeling did NOT let me, which im extremely grateful for now that i look back. the negative traits outshined the positive. the main obstacle i was getting past was the attachment, for example, no longer having someone to check in on.

in february, i sat with the idea of possibly dating again, even if it was just for casual hookups. i mentioned this in a jokingly way to my best friend, and she suggested that i download hinge. i decided to download it in the beginning of february, and set up my profile the first day. i had previously known about the number of men that outnumber women, so i was aware that i might have an influx of folks. and i was right! i met some people that were fun to talk to, but things didn’t go anywhere. and i met others that felt like i was talking at a job interview, asking them questions without them asking any questions about me. i went on my first hinge date feb 10 i believe, and it wasn’t as terrible as i thought it could be. the guy pulled up in a cowboy fit, which was interesting. possibly going through a manic episode. he paid for our food, which i insisted on helping with, and didn’t suggest doing anything sexual which was pretty nice of him. i wouldn’t have minded it, but it was also interesting to see what religious ppl do instead of hooking up. we stopped talking about three days after the date, mostly bc of his inconsistency and lack of desire to go on a second date (yet wanted to keep texting?) i told my best friend we’d hop on and start swiping again on monday. from monday to wednesday, i focused on ppl that had sent me likes instead of sending them myself. priority shipping if you will. there were def some interesting characters in the mix. i will admit that i focused more on people that replied to my prompts, as we’d have something to talk about. on monday i swiped on a guy that questioned the mcdonald’s rewards system, which i was suspicious about. from mom-wed, i kept up with the conversations i had (around 5?) but noticed only one stood out, one person that kept up with my dumb shit. he asked me out on a date tht wednesday, and we went with the bit and went to mcdonalds. i drove to the location and arrived about 10 minutes after leaving home. i was nervous, mainly bc all this guys pics looked kind of different, but fuck it. i parked and called, and his voice as HOT AS FUCK. a teardrop fell down my ear but i knew i couldn’t let my horniness succumb my ability to form a relationship. pulled up, and HOLY FUCK this guy was cute/hot/handsome/WOW. first thing i thought was holy shit, his pics didn’t do him justice (but hey, that means more fer me). we get our food and talk for about an hour. our date last around 3-4 hours, and then we go inside his car bc it was really windy and cold outside. there, we do more talking and find out more things about ourselves. he told me about a person he had recently ended things with due to various reasons, and i stood there wide eyed as i realized i would be nothing like that person. as we talk more, he ask for a kiss, and my whore brain automatically turns on and goes YIPPEE! but i act cool 😎 and lean in. WOAH was it hot. we pull away, look at eachother, and then do some more kissing. i stop to laugh because we’re literally still at the mcdonald’s parking lot. i ask if maybe we could take the car elsewhere, and he mentions he could take us back to his place. WOWOWJWPWAHJ instant gushing from my coochie. i was so sex deprived and borderline desperate that i eagerly agreed. my sex drive is high, which i mentioned, and he told me his was too. typical for a man, heh. fast forward, we hook up and dudes pussy whipped. pulled out the old tricks in the book and wowed him. he asked what my bc was, since apparently i seemed seasoned. i told him, and asked what his was. double digits?! HARLOT! but guy laid pipe really fucking good so i guess i’m glad i got to meet the seasoned veteran. so this was in february (2/22) angels numbers, woaaaa

about three days after we see each other, he tells me that he plans on deleting binge, and that he likes me. i’m like WOWIE, tht was fast. ff to 2/26, and i ask if he’d like to be in a relationship with me, to which he quickly replies “yes” to. waooo. i will have to make a second post for march, keep ya updated!

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January 2023

new year new me!! at least that’s what i’m telling myself. i’m writhing on here mostly for my own mental sanity, and because now i don’t have anyone else to talk about it really

i got broken up with. i’m trying to process all my thoughts, gather my emotions, and basically express how i feel. i’m definitely having two reactions, but obv the sad one is overwhelming the other part of me (the sagittarius part i call it) that is a bit relieved. okay. so about two weeks ago i started noticing that he/things were a bit off. i said “okay probably just my mood due to not being on meds anymore.” i didn’t say anything because i wanted to avoid facing reality; things were stale. our last two dates were fine, at least i thought. today two things happened that felt off. one was that he started eating his food before i got mine, and the other was that he didn’t want to go watch puss in boots with me. fine, okay whatever, take me home bc because i have work tomorrow. i wasn’t upset, i understood that we both have work in the morning. we takes me home, parks, and says “i have something to tell you” AWW HELL NAW. thought in my head; this could be 1. scary, telling me he wants to take things the next step or 2. end things. WELPPP it was 2. he stated that he needed a break, reason being he needs to work on himself. i say okay,, and start asking him questions bc i cannot be left contemplating what could’ve ACTUALLY be the reason. states that he has “outgrown” our relationship. BRO we’re both 23 and goofy asf, wym outgrown gtfo. okay, next. states i don’t fit the “ideal partner” he has for himself. says my style, personality, and hair doesn’t correlate with what he’d want in someone. LMFAO. i’ve known my style is funny, i call it emo grandma core- which i’ve made very aware to him in the past that that’s just who i am. okay, whatever. basically grass is greener reasoning. what else is out there? welp, how he can go find out. it sucks being broken up with for the third time. i give shitty men so many excuses and end up being the one hurt. we both agreed that we were glad that this happened now instead of way into the relationship. i know some of the reasons were because of external factors of myself (ex: fashion), but i genuinely believe that this is just a reflection of him. when will you find someone that checks all the boxes? hardly ever. compromise is big, especially when you claim to “love someone.” i basically embarrassed him. this has made me realize that 1. i need to seek someone who loves me regardless of how i look and 2. understands that the “perfect” match isn’t realistic, love is something you work for. i understand that this was his first relationship, and i’m happy to have been his first, and thankful for the fun dates and cool experiences. now it’s time to heal and move on. I did want to talk about the side of me that i like to refer as my sag side, the side that fears commitment and wants to run away. this side is relieved that this is over. mostly because i didn’t really feel that i loved him as much as i tried convincing myself. i enjoyed the sex, that was fun, but i didn’t really feel the love i felt for my previous partners. at moments i questioned whether i even liked men, yet ive never had feelings for women either, so comphet can’t be the answer. now that i’m not in a relationship, my sag side wants to hoe out but i need to be safe about my hoeventures.

i know i need to heal first. these next couple of days will suck. i told him i wouldn’t block him, bc i’m not a petty person and still care about him. we hugged, kissed, he went in for longer which i backed out of. i feel used. used for sex. the way he groped me throughout our date, for him to later tell me he no longer had feelings. i think his excuse was stupid, but i understand that he still needs to grow. i have therapy on thursday, so hopefully i’ll be able to process some of this. i’ve grieved a lot this past year, and it hurts so much to add on to the table. but i’ll be okay, i always have been.

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November 2022

hi :) its November 14, wow! where has time gone. Im writing here to as a way of procrastination. im trying to avoid writing my personal statement. currently watching a YouTube video at the same time. 

sooo.... I have been in therapy for almost three months now. I have a new therapist who has been AWESOME. literally hitting all the points I wanted to hit. My former therapist was cool, but she was not very.. therapist if that makes sense. it was more like gossiping with a friend. def out of touch as well. Medically, im pretty good. I got new liver blood results that came back normal, yay! I dot have much to say now mostly because I need to get back to writing my personal statement. Toots!

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Update // September, 2022

where: room

doing: laying, listening to Kokomo, IN by JP

hey! it’s been a while. i stopped entering new blogs after covid, school, and work started picking up again.

Well now it’s 2022 and i’ve finally graduated! this was back in may, so it’s been a couple of months. I now have a BS(haha) and am planning on applying to grad school this fall (this month act HAHA) AHHH i’m terrified. i work full time now at a place related to my degree. i love my coworkers, although i wish we got more employee appreciation such as free food jeje. bare minimum pizza parties?? cmon yall. I’m still at Target here and there, mostly to start saving up for grad school cus a bitch is BROKE. holidays are coming up so that’ll be fun. i started physically journaling as well but that didn’t last long either. i started therapy this time last year. i liked her at first but definitely caught some red flags. finally almost a year later i got the guts to terminate and got a therapist that has a similar background and is a beast at processing. she did call me out tho LMFAO on stuff i’m a bit hypocritical on.

life was pretty much become work, rest, work, rest. i have been drifting a bit from my college friends because they’re still in school, but i try to reply in the gc. my hs friends i’ve pretty much lost contact with. the only person i actively speak with is aracely who i adore. but i only see her irl like twice a year. trying to get better at catching up with friends. i haven’t been worried about my social life bc so much of it is online, so it’s easy to communicate. my twitter bud cameron keeps me updated on twitter drama and bs that the internet shits out, and my other pals i keep in touch by watching their stories LOL. my friend sun told me he cannot go a week without speaking to his friends which makes me feel bad for him. i couldn’t imagine being so dependent on others like that. now for the juicy stuff. i’ve been pretty much single for the entirety of this blog. i actually started this as a way to see my progress mentally. although i haven’t scrolled ALL the way down, i already can tell it’ll be cringey as FUU. teenage me was dramatic asf. i’ll be 23 this year, and at a place where i can feel my frontal lobe finally forming lolol. dating apps have always terrified me, mostly bc i felt a form of embarrassment from having others see me. yet, they can’t judge cus they’re also on the app as well LMFAO. so i never went through with it. instead i lurked through the internet in places where i was the most comfortable in. and after a few months of slithering through the cracks, i stumbled upon a post that caught my attention. this was about spring time this year. i didn’t have the guts to hit this person up and instead contemplated the idea for some days but eventually talked myself out of it. the next couple of months i went back to walking through the back rooms of the web. early this summer that same person posted something, i recognized their user, so i said “fuck it” and hit them up. i did use a burner account tho and not my actual account from when i was 18 LMFAO. roach milk some would call it. he ended up replying and we started talking online. once it hit the weekend, he asked if i wanted to hang out irl which i started panicking and trying to come up with excuses LOL i was just scared. the first date went great imo and we kissed at the end. the kiss SUCKed bc i was uncomfy on our location and also bc i had just met this person.

i just need to stop my brain from trying to sabotage my happiness. my body image has also gotten a bit better, especially considering he’s seen every spot in my body lmfao. i’ll be bring up the self sabotage to my therapist next week so hopefully i’ll have something to update y’all on soon.

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may, 2021

Hey! 👋👋

im not sure how long it’s been, but it’s time for an entry.

my other tumblr account was hacked lmao.

school: i thought i was going to be done with school next semester, but im going to take one more. all for the stupid diploma to say my concentration. i’m ok with it as long as the government is paying for it. it’s currently my last week of school, and i’ve got a FUCKton of shit to do. although i was scheduled to work on evenings, i know that i wouldn’t be doing it. i grew dependent on tiktok. that shit is addicting. so in conclusión, i have one more year! finishing my internship on wednesday, i’ll miss it!

going to pickup a minor and olán on applying for masters in fall WEE

work: still working retail, less now because i got a new job. so now i work two jobs. the new job is at a substance use place aka rehab. it’s school but only twice a week. i think that idea will prove to be flawed (understaff) can’t wait to graduate and get a ft job. indeed is definitely poppin rn

personal: mental health is ight. i need to learn to say NO I CANT. and sorry. fully vaccinated with no covid infection.

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huge big fat L

okay so 

as I've stated before, I ghost my friends. I just ... don't want to talk to. people all the time?? I don't hate them y.n... just want to be by myself. 

found out one of my close pals from hs is pregnant through someone elses ig. now look, i’m happy for them. now here's where I start feeling bad: yesterday I walk into Starbucks and see another old friend. She says hi to me and then ask if im going to friend#1′s baby shower. well shit, I wasn't even invited. So I reply, “she's pregnant?11!” insert uncomfy laughter. She says yeah haha! and I say ohhhh o_o and that was it. I hope she got the hint that I wasn't invited. 

Now to tie this all together: I hate that I get upset at friends for forgetting about me when I myself am the one who somehow cuts ties and stops talking to them. Thats the only explanation I can think of as to why I wasn't invited, and why im usually the one who just sees things on peoples stories and never gets invited. Maybe im just overthinking this, but I feel less and less like the main character of my life everyday. 

how was your day?