advice4smartgirls

[advice4smartgirls]

Hi maybe you can help me with some dude issues. I recently started talking to a guy and it’s been about a month that we have been talking. He flirts with me and we go out occasionally. I want a relationship with him but I’m not sure the feeling is mutual. I can’t really tell if he wants to be with me I’m not sure why I feel this way but I’ve never been in a healthy relationship with anyone and I’m curious as to what I should do.

Hello love, I can understand and relate to this. I think the best way to gain clarity from this situation would be to open up the conversation about it. I know it can be hard to be straight forward when dating & some people tend to see it as taboo, but I think it’s the easiest way. Just say “hey, I enjoy spending time with you a lot. I think it would help me if we talked about what we each expect from this so that I can know we’re both on the same page”. That way you’re not coming out with all of your feelings on your sleeve, but you’re also not playing games. At the end of the day, if he is mature and worth your time, he will be able to clearly communicate what he wants/expects and if he can’t, then best to tread lightly and decide if it’s for you. From my personal experience, people who can’t communicate clearly tend to be a bit of a headache to date, so at the end of the day you really just need to think about what feels best to you. I hope this helps! xx

[advice4smartgirls]

Learn to articulate how you're feeling without accusing anyone of having bad intentions. You can say "I'm afraid of being alone" without saying "you're just going to leave me like everyone else." You can say "I need some reassurance" without saying "you probably don't love me anymore." You can say "I'm afraid I've hurt your feelings and I'd like to talk it through" without saying "you don't even like me anymore." You can say "I want to spend more time with you" without saying "you've gotten tired of me." You can say "I feel misunderstood" without saying "you always judge me." Try not to let your emotions get the best of you. Have a conversation focused on finding solutions instead of escalating the conflict.

[advice4smartgirls]

I wanted to share something because I’m not sure where else to say this & I think any of my younger followers should definitely read this. I’m sorry it’s long, but I needed it to be heard.

TW: Sexual abuse.

I was in a relationship with the same boy from ages 14-20 and lost my virginity to him (at 15). He would always brush over my boundaries when I didn’t wanna have sex. At first he would just beg until I said yes, then in later years, he would guilt me into it to a point where he would yell if I didn’t oblige. It progressed to a point where even if we were having sex and I really didn’t want to or he was hurting me, I would ask him to stop, he would hold me in position until he was done. Finally, I left.

I’m 23 now and dating someone much better for me. We’ve been together since I was 21 and something only recently occurred to me. A few weeks ago, he initiated sex and I was really tired, but I didn’t say anything. I was participating and didn’t give him any reason to think I didn’t want to. Eventually, once he was inside of me, he realized I wasn’t responding as enthusiastically as I usually do. He stopped and asked, are you okay? I reluctantly told him that I was honestly just a bit tired. He immediately took me off from on top of him, covered me up with a blanket and looked at me closely. I expected him to start yelling, but instead he asked,”you didn’t want to?” and I just said “i’m sorry”. Immediately he had a look of sorrow. He apologized so many times and then asked me,”why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want to?” and the thing he said that really flipped a switch for me was “I don’t want to if you don’t want to and if you’re not enjoying it, I feel really weird now.” Then I had a realization, my exboyfriend was raping me. He never once cared about whether or not I wanted it and most times he KNEW that I didn’t. Times when I explicitly said I didn’t want to, begged him to stop, that he was hurting me. He did not care. And I didn’t realize that it wasn’t normal behavior until this incident. I cried for hours that night and my current boyfriend just held me through the whole thing. We did not have sex that night. And he didn’t even try to after that.

When I was with my ex, I always felt violated and I would cry afterward, every time. I would cry during and sometimes before too. He never comforted me or apologized and he never stopped. When I cried afterward, he would turn away and fall asleep or he would just tell me that I was his girlfriend and that I was supposed to want to have sex with him. I know it seems as though I should have known this was abuse and left. But, I was so young when I started dating him and he manipulated me for so many years, that I genuinely did not understand what was going on. I thought there was something wrong with me, so I thought he had a right to be upset. I didn’t talk to anyone about it because I thought there was something wrong with me and I was ashamed. I had recurring nightmares that I was being violated and I couldn’t pinpoint it. THREE YEARS later, I finally realize what was happening. I think a lot of it was my own mind trying to protect me.

My point is this; trust your gut!!! If something feels wrong, trust that feeling!!! It probably is wrong. And talk to someone about it!! Talk to multiple people about it!! Get at least one (but if you can, then get multiple) opinions on the situation!!! Once I started talking to my best friends about it after the breakup they warned me that it was sexual abuse and I never believed them until that night with my boyfriend and I began to remember all of the times I explicitly asked him to stop. I had blocked out the more painful memories until that. Now I remember everything. Please don’t isolate yourself when in a relationship and NEVER ignore your own intuition for what someone else is telling you.

I’m sorry this was long and that it was dark, but I hope some of you actually read this and I also just needed to get it out.

[advice4smartgirls]

hey 💖

since the blog isn‘t as active anymore i made a group chat so you can still discuss your questions and get advice from eachother!

it‘s called advice4smartgirls (i don‘t know how to link it, just comment or send a message and i‘ll add u)

[advice4smartgirls]

hey, i just wanted to say thanks to everyone running this blog. it may not be as active anymore but i always come here to search for things to help me out, like the resources you guys reblog here and the advice you all have given that could relate to my situations. it really means a lot ❤️

thank you bug!! 💙

[advice4smartgirls]

do you guys still give advice/ are you still active?

we definitely try to be!

[advice4smartgirls]

how to feel beautiful:

- nourish yourself with water, fruits and other nutritious food

- look up when walking, not down at the ground

- try to exercise or take a walk outside if it’s sunny

- be organized: have a planner so you feel more relaxed

- be extra kind to everyone, they might remember it forever, or on days where they’re wondering what there is to live for

- take care or help something, get a potted plant if you’re lonely

- smile at people more, if you send out good vibes you will get them back

- ignore negativity; remember the brightest parts of each day and write them down

- dont punish yourself by hurting your body or being apathetic towards it; this includes eating or sleeping not enough/too much, not showering or taking care of hygiene

- get out of bed in the morning, even if you don’t feel like it, open the curtains and stretch

- use perfume or sweet smelling creams or shower gels, spoil yourself with bath bombs

- look at the mirror and notice your cute features; why live a life hating your looks

- aim to be healthy, that’s the most important thing

- have a relaxing and nice morning and evening routine for your skin and mind

- treat yourself with care and love, because you deserve it

[advice4smartgirls]

I just realized how fucking disgusting it is that it’s considered healthy and normal for teenage boys to eat everything ever yet teenage girls are obviously also growing but are fucking dieting all the time and shamed for eating while they’re growing

[advice4smartgirls]

Some things it is A-OK to say to your doctor:

No

Wait

Stop 

(These are full sentences! You do not need to say any more) 

I am not comfortable. 

I am not comfortable, I would like… 

you to wait a moment.

another person in the room. 

everyone else out of the room. 

a doctor/nurse of my same gender to preform this test/procedure. 

the person who came with me to this appointment in the room. 

you to explain everything before you begin. 

you to tell me what you are doing as you go. 

to do this another day. 

I want to get a second opinion before we proceed.

I don’t understand, please repeat that. 

I don’t understand, please explain more simply. 

Please say that slower/spell that, I want to do some research myself.

I would like to talk to [someone in my life, ie my parents to SO] before making this decision. 

No, I do not need to talk to [anyone] before making this decision, I am confidant on my own and am ready to proceed. 

What are the side effects of this medication/procedure? What are the potential complications? 

Why are you recommending/prescribing this specific thing? 

What other treatment options are there? Why are you choosing this?

Would your treatment plan be different if I were a man/woman older/younger had kids, etc? Why are you choosing this one then?

IS there anything I should know about this treatment you have not yet told me?  

I understand you say not to, but If I choose to do X, against medical advice, what risks am I running? (ie taking recreational drugs while on medication)

How much will this cost? 

Are there any less expensive options/tests we can run first? 

Is there a generic of this medication you can prescribe instead?

I think you are not understanding me, I said…

You are not listening to me, please let me finish describing my symptoms. 

You are not understanding how much pain I am in, let me clarify… 

I do not think it is anxiety/depression/my weight/etc, what else could it potentially be? 

I think by assuming it is anxiety/depression/my weight/etc you are ignoring some symptoms. Please listen again and let’s discuss what else it could be. 

Please write in my chart that you are not testing for X and why not. 

I am in enough pain/this is detrimental enough to my life that non-treatment is not an option. If you can not treat this/figure out what is wrong, to whom can you refer me?

Please write (or help me write) a summary of what we did today so I don’t forget 

What are our next steps? 

If [what you are recommending] is ineffective, what would my next steps be? What other doctor should I talk to? 

What is the best way to contact you if I have additional questions or issues? 

Remember, a doctor is a person YOU pay because they know a lot about bodies in general, to help you figure out whats best for YOUR body. It is still your body, not theirs! They know about medicine but you are the expert in your body. Don’t let them act like they own you. Don’t leave if you’ve still got questions, don’t stay if you’re uncomfortable, and feel free to insist on ANY information you want. 

[advice4smartgirls]

Wondering what the heck to pack in case you get evacuated? Here’s a list. Pack in advance before you need to and panic sets in. Stay safe y'all

[advice4smartgirls]

Summer means poor children are not getting 2 free meals a day at school so if you’re able, please consider donating to your local food bank.

[advice4smartgirls]

so metropolitan museum of art has a register of books they’ve published that are out of print and that you can download for free! they’re mostly books on art, archeology, architecture, fashion and history and i just think that’s super useful and interesting so i wanted to share! you can find all of the books available here!

[advice4smartgirls]

40+ coping skills PDFs for challenging thoughts, managing anger, managing distress, identifying and rating feelings, relaxation, sleep hygiene, and therapist materials

[advice4smartgirls]

Why you should never buy sex toys on Amazon.

I see people on here all the time talking about buying sex toys on Amazon so it’s time to run through this again. I know it may seem like you’re saving money but when something seems too good to be true it usually is.

The main reason you shouldn’t buy sex toys on Amazon is that, unlike buying from reputable retailers, you have absolutely no garuntee that the product you’re buying hasn’t been used, returned, and resold. The sex you industy in America is almost completely unregulated so really can’t trust amazon to hold better business practices than legally required. People have found bodily fluid and pubic hair on toys purchased from Amazon.

The second biggest reason is that you’re more than likely buying an expensive knock off labeled as a brand name item. The way the amazon marketplace works is by sorting items with the same bar code name into the same catagory. So let’s say you want a wi vibe so you pay for one but what happens is that amazon doesn’t log a difference between a brand name Wi-vibe and a knock off from China. They’re both just labeled “wi-vibe” so you pay for a quality item and get a cheap knock off. So you may think you’re getting a high quality item for $50 but instead you’re getting a $10 look alike that will die and malfunction quickly. Imagine paying for a Lelo (the most luxury sex toy brand) and getting something nothing like that.

And lastly, it’s not safe for you! Because the chances of you getting a knock off are so high, it’s very likely that you’ll get something made out of harmful materials. A lot of the sex toys made cheaply in China and places like that have no body safe regulations on materials so not only could you pay for a brand name item and not get it , but you might actually get something that could make you sick or even poison you. Some toys will even leak oils and chemicals when exposed to water or fluids.

In summation, buying from Amazon is NOT safe for you, will most likely rip you off, and you could even be getting used products.

Below I’m listing Dangerous Lily’s list of best places to buy. I recommend reading her reviews before purchasing anything expensive.

Where to buy:

SheVibe

Early to bed

Smitten Kitten

Good Vibes

Come as you are

Be vibrant

HotOctopuss

And directly from the brand retailor like we-vibe, Lelo, body wand, etc.

#sex toys

[advice4smartgirls]

your bare minimum isn’t actually that bare or minimum. my dad once told me that there’s nothing in this world that’s easy and that’s true tbh. everything we do takes energy, time, and effort. even the little things. if you feel like you’re not doing enough please try to think about your circumstances and what’s currently available to you: chances are, there’s something that’s diverting or otherwise draining you. and to pull away from that and get something done regardless? well, i think that’s really admirable! please try to take pride in the things you do accomplish in a day, no matter how small or trifling you perceive them to be. you can’t be proud of your growth if you don’t notice where you already are!

[advice4smartgirls]

PSA:

lyft is partnering with united way to give free rides (2 rides, up to $25/per ride) to warming centers through friday 2/1 with code MSPJAYDEN19

also available in chicago, detroit, madison and mke

[advice4smartgirls]

other people aren’t here to be your hobby or fetish

“Fetishization“ is a creepy fascination with a category of people who are marginalised for traits you don’t have, like treating real people like really interesting animals, abstract concepts, or objects for your sexual use.

You can fetishize people for their orientation, race, ethnicity, disability, mental illness, religion, for being trans – basically any oppressed group has to deal with people using their vulnerability and the myths used to enforce their oppression for fetishization. Often the fetishization is sexual, sometimes not. (Academics and health professionals, when working with populations they’re not a part of, can and do dehumanize their subjects/patients in fetishizing ways.)

Fetishization involves:

“othering” a person for having traits you don’t - thinking of yourself as “normal” and them as something other than “normal” (exotification falls under this - “they’re hot because they’re different/exotic!”)

reducing the complex experiences of marginalised individuals into homogenized stereotypes and tidy little stories to be enjoyed by people unaffected by that form of oppression

treating oppressed people or groups of people as symbols, abstract ideas, aesthetic accessories, sexual objects, and/or props for your self-aggrandising “saviour” role or “spiritual journey”, etc., instead of as complex human beings with autonomy

creepy fascination that reduces real people to a “hobby” or “interest” for a person in an oppressor group

It’s an insidious form of objectification that’s extremely disrespectful and harmful. Not all types of interest are positive. If you’re intensely interested in a specific group of people that is a) marginalized/oppressed and b) not a group you are actually a part of, you should take a critical and honest look at whether you’re really seeing these people as your equals - equally complex, individual, autonomous, and human, with unique goals, priorities, and opinions of their own.

It’s unacceptable to treat people as though they exist for your consumption.