afearfulmind

[afearfulmind]

Cutting People Off

*Disclaimer no ill intentions in this posts. 

I find that sometimes I come to the realisation of how another person can heavily influence your mood and the way you feel about yourself. There were times when hanging around people they would turn the conversation to me and I would tell them more about myself and they would just scoff and say something negative about the things that I am doing. This is usually on the subject of studies. It made me realise how there were people who feed on the struggles of others turning everything to be negative, setting the mood to be unpleasant and I believe I have cut most of them off for the better, to improve myself and to overcome this low self esteem and insecurities that I developed because of others. What I am saying here is we do not need negativity in our lives and why should we acknowledge or give attention to negative and harmful words constructed by another? If there is someone in your life doing something similar as to what is mentioned in this post, cut them off and if that is simply not possible I hope that you know those words do not define you as a human being and you are not whatever it is they say you are. 

[afearfulmind]

Listening but Not Acting

Often times I find myself in a situation where people would try and give me advice, do not get me wrong I appreciate the help but I would not act on those advices, I would just listen and move on. Also, I am not encouraging disobedience or any negative intent, it is just that, I find it better that I do things the way I want to and I at least attempt on any particular thing that I find interest in rather than people advising me to follow certain steps, or to not do it due to risks. These are all in relation to mental issues such as telling me this and this may help, or that may help as much as I love that someone is at least trying to help me I apologise that it may take awhile for me to act on it or maybe I would not even act on it. What I am saying here is that, I often time find the need to remind myself that I am my own person and I can take my own time in healing and doing better. Hope this posts would not be redundant as it does seem like an advice and that I am trying to give an advice but I am not, this is just something for you to think about.

[afearfulmind]

Origami Cranes

I know this is a little bit late but as promised, pictures of the cranes I made earlier this year. Please just take my word for that I made these all on my own had some help from my parents stringing them together and I believe I have not yet finished the others the pictures below will show the ones that has been completed and the uncompleted ones. Till this day I still cannot believe how I managed to fold a thousand of these cranes and it’s almost the end of the yea right now as I am typing this, and they have not been properly hung up yet. (What level of procrastination is this?) Hopefully I can get them done after the school’s semester ends. 

I did colour code them for when it comes to stringing them up it would be easier to keep track of what colour goes next and so on and so forth.

Completed ones are placed in the box above and individual cranes are placed into another boxed and colour coded, hence the plastic bags.

[afearfulmind]

Breaking Habits

We all obviously have our own bad habits, it can be biting nails, spending money, or the usual for all university students, do not deny this, procrastinating and yes it is normal to have these bad habits I cannot judge you for your bad habits because I am not a perfect human being myself so you do you. Again, coming back to feeling anxious and constantly having a troubled mind, my worst and most unhealthy is not sleeping enough and not eating enough. I was simply too afraid to fall asleep as dreams seemed like reliving terrible past memories and without sleep I struggled with appetite. I still struggle till this day to find the appetite to eat and yes, it is terrible. I lack energy to proceed with school work, motivation is also at an all time low as I do get frequent and sudden headaches from time to time. Do not get me wrong I am not looking for an excuse to escape schoolwork or studying. I am actually thankful that I have school work to do as even without motivation or energy to do it, attempting it made it seem like I was taking a small step to getting my mind on track again and it does help sometimes. A little push is what I really needed and I am so grateful that classes are online, as there is no need to drive to school and an escape from Brunei’s heat. If you were to ask me what I have been doing to break my bad habits? Nothing at the moment, I honestly just sleep when I feel really exhausted and eat when I really am hungry, this is the best I can do for now because at least I am eating once or twice a day a small meal or sleeping for a few hours everyday. This post is a reminder that I have gotten this far reminding me to break the bad habits of mine, I sure hope it helps you realise certain bad habits of yours that may be interfering with your life and maybe you can slowly take action to change that.

[afearfulmind]

Clean Space

Yes, as the title reads a clean space, well it can be your bedroom, your house, your car basically anywhere or any place that you will be for a long period of time I strongly recommend that it is not a cluttered space or environment. I personally believe that having a clean space would help a whole lot more as of course it is nice to see anything pleasant, but more importantly, when there are just so many thoughts in your head, when your thoughts are all over the place, not being able to think straight, not knowing what decisions to make, you would not want a physical area to be similar to what’s going on in your head. “It is already messy enough up there so why would you want your physical space to be messy too?” words that I actually tell myself when my room gets too messy. Also there is just something really satisfying about coming back from “the outside world” to your own clean and tidy room and this makes me feel a little bit better about any stressful situations. In relation to the previous post on safe places, when I am not able to head to the beach I will just be in my room, so keeping my room clean provides me some comfort and peace at least. In general of course, we should always keep our environment clean for obvious reasons, health, your personal wellbeing.

There is also something about cleaning that is also very satisfying, I sure do hope people can relate to this but, when you clean you are somewhat in a different zone your only focus is to clean, going at your own pace and when it starts to get boring or quiet play some music. The weird thing I do is turning up my music so that the noise level would match the sound of a vacuum cleaner. Yes, I do find that fun, please do not judge me. I agree that cleaning is tiring and most would say they do not have the time to clean or why bother clean when it is going to end up messy again,

I used to think that too but after making cleaning a habit, setting a particular day to clean, it became more of an importance and music really does help make it fun.

[afearfulmind]

New hobby/Developing hobby

Yes, this does sound like a generic answer to “top ten things to do to be distracted” and the plan for this blog was to be different from those regular things people see on the internet when they need a little help dealing with anxiety. I’ll try my best to make this as different as possible from those generic posts so please do bear with me. Now, going back to two previous posts, one on setting up just one simple goal and also, spending money both contribute to the same aspect in dealing with anxiety, and that is your well being. Having one simple goal gives you a focus and spending money on your hobbies in return makes your hobby or hobbies your one simple goal could help you by decreasing overthinking or anxiousness in certain situations. In my case after that one simple goal of making a thousand paper cranes (now that i think about it it may not sound like a simple goal but your simple goal and my simple goal will definitely not be the same unless you want to give yourself a challenge like I did then i won’t stop you, instead you have my support.) I automatically felt the need to set another goal or look for something else to do to keep me from overthinking or letting my thoughts get a hold of me. 

So the next thing I did was realise how ever since I was younger I always had this obsession with computer games. I believe you know where this is heading… Even though I had suddenly lost interest in what I’d usually do, yes, I played games on my laptop too but lost interest because I let anxiety take over I felt like maybe it’s time we take gaming to the next level. Instead of playing on a laptop why not invest in a personal computer. So, I bought a custom computer. Yes, it sounds insanely ridiculous and yes I know i sound like a hypocrite if you read my previous blog about spending money and how one should spend on well being and if you are questioning on how a personal computer contributes to one’s well being then i will leave that to you after reading this post. So, this was by far the most expensive thing I have ever bought in my life, I never thought I would buy this for myself even though I did save my money before enough to afford a personal computer for myself.

To further add on, the process into buying a personal computer proved to become something so meaningful and important that in the few weeks before I made the purchase, I was on my laptop all day researching on parts, watching countless reviews on a variety of tech channels on youtube learning new information about computers everyday and that I must say contributes positively to one I am not wasting my time per say, it was more of a goal to not waste a lot of money for something that would not work, I had to be knowledgeable on the computer parts so that it would be compatible for my personal use. It was great fun all i can say and a little plug for the place i bought my computer for, techsurge, you can find them on Instagram super helpful and friendly, great customer service.

 After doing all that research I went on to get a computer and it was worth all my money because of what happened next I was able to go back to at least a part of myself where I enjoyed doing something, sure many would see gaming as a complete waste of time but we all have different ways of relaxing and who are we to judge about how others use their free time am i right? So to summarise I made researching a goal and it became a new hobby for me, also gaining back interest in a previous hobby meant that I was able to break free a little from having no interest in certain things at all. Gaming got me to stop overthinking as it distracted me from everything that was going on. If you are having troubles finding a new hobby and may continue with your previous hobbies and continue to develop it, it is something you love doing, why not continue and if you have totally lost interest maybe consider doing activities that are out of the ordinary for you. 

P.S Shameless picture of my current setup and I am very proud of it. 

[afearfulmind]

The previous was a picture and I shall now share with you the video yes with audio because sharing is caring. I do hope you enjoy this as referring back to the previous post this is one of my favourite picture in this case video. It does help me a lot when I am in situations where i cannot play the video i would just look at the picture. If any of you would like to get the picture or the video i’ll share it to you privately so feel free to send me a message on tumblr itself i believe i do have an ask me anything button so please do contact me and I would be happy to reply. Enjoy! 

P.S sorry the video quality came out poor i have no idea why will further look into that.

[afearfulmind]

Spending Money.

Yes, you read the title right, yes i agree it sounds odd and anyone sane would question “are you sure?”, to that I say let me explain. First off, no, I am not telling you to go spend all your money on clothes or the latest phone or gadget just because I said so, I mean if you want to it’s your choice and I am not her to stop you but  what I am saying is, spend money on your wellbeing, spend money on things that would help improve you as a person whether it be physical like going to the gym or enhancing skills like drawing in that case buy ur required tools or spend money on books anything that would help you become a better person and at the same time distract you from problems. I first  received this advice while I was getting my haircut, yes, I received this advice from a barber. He looked at me one day and said you seem a little down today in which I replied “yes, there’s a lot on my plate right now and I am just dealing with it everyday” to which he replied “why not find a day to relax don’t you have things you want to do? Your hobbies? Go out with your friends?” as those do seem like a good idea i responded with “Going out with friends requires money and I am just saving up at the moment” which in return he said “well that’s the point, when you go out you have fun and spending those time with your friends enjoying yourselves once in awhile it should be fine, it’s your happiness, and i assume sometimes it feels a little good to spend money” and that was when it hit me, as much as how the advice sounded a little off, I at first took it the wrong way, I ended up taking it too literally using the phrase “as long as it’s your happiness” basically my happiness, i chased temporary happiness with temporary wealth. I bought all sorts of things that do not really benefit me but I just did it because I took what the barber said too literally and I only realised after I was done buying whatever I wanted. 

No, I am not going to list out what i bought and how much i spent in the matter of four to five months. It felt bad honestly because I was somewhat living a little materialistically, yes it did help, i enjoyed myself, I was a little happy but it really did hit me hard as i thought what am I going to do with all this. It does not benefit me in any way but what’s done is done and I realised that may be my barber was talking about my well being instead of what I assumed was temporary happiness or I could be wrong who knows he was actually talking about temporary happiness but overall I still learned and I am here to stop you from spending your money on things that you want but do not need. 

After all that, I started to seriously think about how I was going to spend my money. This is going to sound a little bit odd but what actually made me happy, truly happy was giving gifts. The look on someone’s face when you buy them something that they mentioned before that they really liked is satisfying and the excitement of the surprise which I found out I am really bad at because I got too excited on giving the gift and I ended up giving gifts earlier than planned. Again, please do not go around giving random people gifts that is not the message intended here. How this helped me was, it made me take a look at the people on my side, fighting and dealing with anxiety is tiring and mentally painful and to think that my parents and a few good friends of mine stuck with me made sure I was doing well meant a great deal to me, the nights I would wake my mom up because I was just crying and feeling sad and she had to deal with that I felt really lucky and I did not want her to worry about me as we had other problems going on at the same time. Buying gifts made me look at and appreciate all the brighter things in life in a way that it made me focus on all things positive such as supportive parents, friends, new experiences and a lot more. Before I was always dwelling on problems and ignoring help I was basically being very hard to deal with and I totally took the people around me who wanted to help me for granted so after awhile realising that I have not thank those who helped me yet I decided to buy them gifts as a way of saying thanks. I know it seems like it does not make sense but sometimes thank you isn’t enough and sometimes gifts may not be enough but when people bring you joy you do not want to disappoint them so instead be thankful and know that we all have bad days and we do not have control over them but we do have people around us that would gladly help us get through it.

[afearfulmind]

A safe place

Finding your own safe space or place is important. This can be your room, a public place where you can just chill on your own or a place where you can bring friends or people who are close to you over and maybe share some thoughts with. Just a place where you can breathe, find an escape from troubles or problems. This was actually a really important task for me because I was at a point conflicted between wanting to be out or wanting to be alone in my room. Being alone in a room feels suffocating at some point and I would just start to feel restless as I broke my routine of having to go out and do some activities; jogging, walking my dog, playing sports. I just completely lost all interest in doing certain activities that i used to do before everything happened. I used these activities as an escape from problems and I would just put them off and never solve them. Also, if I were to be out there was a certain fear of being alone in a crowded place or the fact that I am alone in a public space. I did not fully understand this fear at that time because I could not think clearly and rationally so I just stayed in my comfort zone which is being alone in my room (not a safe place). I guess it was after a month or two passed when I finally thought why not be outside why not go for a drive, it seems to be time for me to do just that and so I did and naturally i thought why not head over to the beach and i did not regret that at all. 

First it was not easy at all due to the fact that again I was alone and it was frightening I could not help but think of what others would think. All very odd thoughts came to my head of being alone in  a public space but after getting to the beach I realised how empty it was due to the covid situation so the area was really quiet. I took a walk and began thinking or overthinking again but this time I was able to stop thinking for a second because the sound of the waves were louder than the thoughts in my head and it helped me calm down a lot so i thought it would be a good idea to just sit and listen to the sound of the waves for a bit and at that moment i have not felt so calm after having anxiety attacks constantly at night and worrying about so many unnecessary things. I also realised how it’s okay to be alone. Have you ever had that one friend asking you or telling you that “oh, you’re alone that’s sad”, well I use to tell myself that all the time because of a certain friend, that it was sad to be alone but now that I realised that being alone brought me joy in terms of how I was able to stop all unnecessary thoughts and there is nothing scary of being alone, I then found it odd how in this day and age to go out you need people to be with is odd. We’re adults at this point, why should we rely on others for company or joy? Sometimes it’s best to be alone, no one to bother you, don’t have to listen to what people have to say, you won’t have problems deciding where you want to go because you have to think about where others want, it’s all simple and easy. 

From this I made the beach my safe place. A place where I can run off too when thoughts in my head get too loud. It also slowly got me to overcome insecurities of what people thought of me because in actual fact no one would be. Head to the beach during the weekends, you will definitely see families, or groups of friends there and all of them are busy having a great time enjoying themselves, why would they stop and think about you? That'd be absurd right? So, what I am trying to say is find your safe place where you can run off to, when life gets a little tough, find a safe place where you can actually learn something out of it, whether it be working on yourself or just problems in general and yes bring friends along even though I mentioned me going to my safe place alone but that was for me to overcome a certain trouble of relying on others but that does not necessarily have to apply to you :). Take your time finding this safe place as it is something that would help you in your time of need. 

P.S I took that picture and it’s my favourite one. I would occasionally find myself staring at it for a few minutes sometimes as I can imagine the sound of the waves and feeling the breeze, pretty relaxing.

[afearfulmind]

Music (but selective)

Music played such an important role in helping me feel better and also to not fall into deep fear. Yes the title said selective so let me explain. Listening to music selectively would basically mean listening to only what would make you feel better. Yes, there are people for example who would listen to sad songs while going through a breakup #haha #emo but that for me never made much sense other than me relating to the song. Yes, it feels good to have someone tell you that they went through what you did but in a way it is basically how you’re going through a breakup but listening to songs about a breakup which then continuously remind you of said breakup. 

If i were to put myself in that position i would continuously feel really bad or sad or whatever it is people feel when going through a breakup. Also, to clarify breakup songs are also not necessarily sad as there are some which seem upbeat but looking closer at lyrics it says otherwise and, no I am not judging anyone's music taste i am just simply stating what works for me. So to continue, I mainly listened to different genres of music as one would say according to the mood, or opposite of how I am feeling at that particular moment. 

Let's say for example, oh no I feel terrified, I feel anxious, I would look for music that would calm me down with lyrics or instruments that are in a way suitable for that particular feeling at that moment. One song that I played mostly on repeat was Python by Healy because there was not much going on in the song itself, the beats were mellow, it was not heavy(too loud), and it was not too soft, feel free to check it out as well. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYo1FwwncHg&ab_channel=HealyVEVO (here’s the link :P)  

Other than that, i also found that music heavily affects my mood and how i would go on about my day just by listening to one or two songs. I have also branched out exploring different genres of music as usually i would only listen to indie rock or alternative music, and with exploring different genres I now have a wider variety of options to deal with different mood types I am having throughout the day. During that period for me, I would constantly listen to music, some days it will be a whole playlist and others it will just be one song for the whole day, all to keep me from spiraling down. 

P.S An instrumental i really love and listen to to fall asleep

Glass house - oh, the joy 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAme9VoAOZ4&ab_channel=PeaceofMindStudio

[afearfulmind]

Setting up just one goal.

As the title states, setting up one goal helped me deal with some sleepless nights where there were constant thoughts flowing in my mind and with all these thoughts or unanswered questions, worries started to build up as well. Yes, it does sound cliche, but all I did was just set up one goal and it somehow helped because after that goal I was in search of other different goals. It seems like it is a slow process but a slow start somewhere is better than no start at all. The goal that helped get me off my feet from overthinking was making a thousand origami paper cranes. It sounds crazy but by setting up this goal I was able to keep my mind focused on making these cranes instead of letting it wonder and think about thoughts that are negative, that cause me to feel anxious. I probably did this for a good month probably just folding and folding. All one thousand cranes have been folded but I have not considered them a hundred percent done as I have not assorted them into their own colour groups yet as well as stringing them up.  

I would tire myself out during the day so that at night i would be extremely tired and i would be able to get some rest as usually most of my panic attacks happen at night when i get woken up so suddenly, hyperventilating and just feeling so worried/terrified of nothing at all. Some nights i do not bother sleeping at all as well because i was determined to make those paper cranes and i would just pass out half way if i get too tired. My parents were fully aware of me not sleeping and just passing out and they did not mind as i have told them of my troubles and problems so it also helped ease me a little because i would not want to bother them as they checked on me some nights interrupting their sleep as well. The reason why i mentioned that is because i always felt like i am the more problematic child that needed a lot of help or as some would call it “attention” but that’s far from the truth. I usually avoid seeking help as it was somehow a mechanism of mine to not bother anyone at all. However the case, we should never feel as if we are a burden or that we constantly bother others, this for me was part of the reason as to why I was not getting any better, due to all these negative thoughts that i self prophesied. So, yes set just one goal, any goal, take it slow, and just focus on that goal. It helped for me so i hope it helped for you <3. 

P.S. will post a picture of said cranes soon.

[afearfulmind]

Introduction

Hello, and welcome to my blog :) 

Name’s Wallace, this is my first time writing a blog as i have never seen the use of why I would start one in the first place as i am not one to share or do reviews publicly, or do whatever it is people post on blogs. I also do not really follow blogs at all so I apologise if my blog does not feel or look like a blog. Since now with this being an assignment the opportunity to start one has finally come. So first and foremost, in this blog, i will be writing on ways i deal with pressure, anxiety and what not. A little back story, i have recently found out i have issues dealing with anxiety and for the first half of 2020 things were tough. Past events and at that time present events came to haunt me and i just remember feeling scared, paranoid and frightened most of the time because I did not know how to deal with all the problems at that time. It was all just so overwhelming.

With that being said, all those things just hit me very hard. I had to stop uni for a semester just to try and recollect myself and to be honest i wish i extended my leave of absence for another semester but that would cause me to be stuck in university longer and I really do not want that. Other problems I had to face and still do till this day is how I am not able to sleep properly. Again, for the first half of 2020 I barely slept, probably only two hours or three in a day. I remember having nightmares but not about ghostly stuffs but more onto things that were happening around me when I am awake, would also appear in the form of my dreams when I sleep. Odd right? I also remember not eating because I am constantly worried or scared and that really kills your appetite. For someone who was a stick (referring to me being skinny) in the first place I somehow lost a little more weight which frightened me even more because I started feeling really weak to the point I also started feeling nauseous. What a cycle am I right? Of course, there were more odd emotions and experiences which I would share later future blogs but the blog will solely focus on how I calmed myself when things got real as I found that advices I received from counselling, psychologist, family or read online did not appear to help me at all. So future post will be about things that worked for me.

*Disclaimer – I am not a professional by any means and what I posts will be what works for me and feel free to try it out otherwise stated in any posts that I do not recommend. Also, I will not take responsibility if something were to happen to you when trying what I did. Teehee.  Sorry for the long post. 

#ax3305