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[airecla-blog]

I regret it

I was supposed to make a post explaining my step towards growth because I wanted to remember it and have it to read back whenever I lose sight of what really matters; my well-being. I got distracted with my now-again-boyfriend, everything that happened at work and school... It was just a lot and I didn’t have time to write it out. I didn’t give myself that time to really start my journey like how I wanted to. But of course, that doesn’t mean I can’t start over again. I can start at any moment and that’s the light at the end of the tunnel. 

I quit my job because it made me unhappy, but usually people only do something spontaneous like that when they have a back up plan, right? Welp, we’ve heard of those outlier stories of those people who chose their happiness before their security and now, (I think) I can proudly say that I’m a part of them. I’m going to take this whole month to learn more about myself and figure out what makes me tick. 

How far will we get with money as the incentive? It can’t always be the only thing that keeps us going. How can we stand a company that doesn’t develop and care for its people? Company culture is everything. What about serving others and giving back? What about working towards improvements? Purpose is what will keep our flames alive. When we set goals, we will never stop learning and growing. If money is the goal, all we have to do to get minimum is be slaves to the system. We are in an incredible advanced technology age where we can literally learn absolutely anything! We have millions of resources to do so, it is just our mindsets that limit us.

That is why I am deciding to get out of this negative mindset in order to reach my fullest potential. I’m going to create new habits; the first one being to use my time more wisely. I literally spend so much time on social media reading and watching things that are completely pointless. It’s all just pure entertainment to pass time and not be bored because I can’t always sleep all day--trust me, I’ve tried and it doesn’t feel good.

I know I’ve tried doing Thinkertoys on here and maybe I’ll go back to it one day, but for now, I will discontinue those posts and start on another book called, High Performance Habits by Brendon Burchard. You guys can give it a read as well and see if it works for you. I intend to use it to set myself up for a great year. I’m gonna take this month to build great habits: self-discipline and growth, so that when next year comes, I’ll be ready to go with whatever goals I set for myself! That’s the plan.

I’m debating if I should start another blog or continue on this one. I’m not sure how I will do it. Should I just do whatever activity comes and and then a chapter summary? Maybe. I guess we’ll just have to play it by ear. Time will only tell, but for now, it’s time to actually purchase the book. Lol. Wish me luck!

Sorry if this post was very all over the place. It was 2 or 3 am and I was extremely tired, but I still wanted to finish the post. I have this really bad habit of typing out these long posts, but never finishing them. Smh. I have a handful of posts that I have not pushed through because I was too tired to complete them. I need to rethink how I do posts because these are just way too long. No one will probably read it. So how can I keep it interesting? Hmmmm... I’ll figure it out.

[airecla-blog]

It’s okay. It’ll be okay.

I was having a really good day and I still am, it’s just that my mood shifts throughout the day. This morning, I felt happy and relieved, but right now, I’m just feeling tired and sluggish. I’m not thinking negatively, I still feel fine, but I just feel like I can’t think anymore and that I don’t wanna do anything right now. I would just like to sleep and rejuvenate myself. 

I’m trying to understand how these mood swings work and how to be more consistent with the way I feel. I felt really high and energetic earlier and now I feel like the total opposite. I know that when I start to feel negative again that I should just continue to keep busy--not to avoid my feelings, but just to do something physically that proves to myself I’m taking action and putting effort towards being a better me. That’s how I can keep up the consistency. However, right now, I just really feel that I need to sleep because--this may sound funny, but I did so much for myself today, internally, that I’m physically exhausted. I had all this anxiety and stress pent up inside me for so long that I let go today and it was freeing, but I need to just recoup and then continue on. 

I just wanted to share that because this is all a process and nothing is perfect. I’m gonna struggle again and again, but in the end, I know I’m going to be okay and that though in itself is so relieving and beautiful to think about. 

[airecla-blog]

BRUH

I was working on a post that was so long and it all got deleted!!!!! I’m so sad. It’s something that is very powerful to me that I need to share, but it’s okay. I’ll work on it later. Right now, I have shit to attend to. I’ll be back in a bit! 

[airecla-blog]

Lord God,

I would like to write this prayer to you to send strength to every single person suffering right now whether it be emotionally, physically, or mentally. No struggle is too small. All of our lives are unique because each person has different experiences and views. I pray that we figure out how to understand the world around us and ourselves so well that no matter what we go through, we know we’ll get through it because we have you, we have trust, and we have faith. I pray that we confront fear with an open heart and go towards the wave head on because the waters are calm after it. I pray that we learn to forgive everyone who wronged us and most importantly, ourselves because we’re our own greatest critics. Sometimes it’s hard to get up in the mornings because we don’t wanna go through another rough day. Sometimes we can’t even sleep at night because we’re up, so bothered by everything that’s spiraling down in our lives. When we think we finally caught a break and was able to catch a few minutes of rest, we’re rudely awakened to the nightmare which has become our lives. I pray that we continuously seek small joys all around us because they will accumulate and we’ll see that love and happiness is all around us, we just had to pay attention to what’s in front of our eyes, not what’s going on in our head. I pray that we retrain our thoughts and tell ourselves that we are worth it, we are capable of incredible things, we have a purpose, we are good people, and we are stronger than any trivial event we encounter. We need you. We need ourselves. I pray that we live in love because in love is where we get what we need. Thank you.

[airecla-blog]

What would you do?

If you’re constantly being put down by the closest people to you, how do you keep yourself up? You grow up with these people. They instill and project their views and opinions onto you for your entire life, so how do you think differently? They know you, so when you try to act or think differently to better yourself, they just laugh at you because they know you’re like them and you’ll always be like them. They make you think that you can never change and you believe it, so you don’t bother trying. It’s hard to deal with. Just by saying “I’m tired” out loud, if they hear it, they say scoff and reply, “how can you be tired, you didn’t even do anything today.” But I wasn’t with you the entire day? I saw you for like probably and hour or two and was out at school and at Starbucks studying, but you don’t know that, so how can you tell me I didn’t do anything all day? Shit like that grinds my gears because it’s as if I can be happy for myself over my little wins. You won’t let me. Even if I tell myself not to listen to you, that I know what I did and I know that I was productive, I’m so irritated to even be happy because you have shit to say about everything. It’s so annoying and detrimental to my mental health to be living with this negativity every day of my life. I seriously need to get the fuck out of here because I feel like I can’t achieve anything being around these people because you guys make me feel stuck! It’s a toxic environment!

I’m frustrated and conflicted. I want to live and think on my own. I don’t need you to tell me what I can and can’t do. Sometimes what’s best for you is just removing yourself from the situation. I need to get my grades up in order to get scholarships so that I don’t have to worry about paying for school. Maybe even try to become and RA so that I don’t have to pay for room and board. I have to dedicate my time to studying and forgo playing around in order to achieve independence. That’s my goal and my scarce resource right now is money. I have to manage my time in order to do well and get money for school so that I can also get independence. This isn’t something that can happen overnight. A semester? Maybe. Check back next time.

Sorry for the messy post, this all just happened right now and I was blogging, so I said to myself, “I might as well write about it.” It is what it is. I couldn’t shake the feeling. I’ll update y’all later.

[airecla-blog]

It’s been a while...

Over a month, actually, since I’ve written a journey blog with Thinkertoys. You can read all of my up-to-date posts at “#althinkertoys” just FYI. :-) 

To update you, I’m still in school. Had to drop my lab because I was too behind. Even though it wasn’t even a month into the semester, I couldn’t do anything to improve my grade because the class was out of 340 points and I literally already missed like almost 200 already so... *upside down smiley face--but actually crying face*. Now I’m left with 4 classes, which helps me get my 60 credits, but I’m not sure if i can get my AA because I’m missing the lab requirement to graduate. As for how I’m doing in the rest of my classes, I’m doing fine in two, but the other two, I’m struggling because I keep forgetting about one of them since it’s online, and because the other one is hard. Instead of putting in more effort, I’m drawing back. I’m not saying all of this to shame myself or fuck around, I’m just giving a real life update for me to look back on and to see my growth. I have confidence that one day, everything will come together and it all starts with me trying. 

I had to refresh my memory on where I’m at in my blog and wow, let me tell you how disappointed I am in myself. There I was blogging about the state I’m in and talking about what I can improve about myself when, during the month I was away, I fell into a hole because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me, I was feeling sorry for myself, being depressed and all that when all along I knew what I had to fix. 

I’m so stupid because I go through these cycles of loathing myself, wanting to change, but do nothing about it and then repeating it over and over again. WHEN WILL I LEARN!? It’s really frustrating!!! It’s like I’m constantly battling myself and it’s so fricking irritating already. I gotta change. 

I know that this blog is very repetitive and such a bore because I don’t change, but this is my reality. This is the battle that I’ve been dealing with for years. It’s so easy to say, “just change your mindset,” “change your environment,” and all that, but my mind is very stubborn, I’M very stubborn. I just have to stop thinking and DO! 

If I learned anything from the Zu, it’s to use WWH to impact a problem and achieve a goal. I really need to implement it. Let’s create an action plan, you ready? 

WHAT: Get over my fears of failure and not being good enough WHY: To be the best version of myself and always put my best foot forward in attaining my goals and working through passion projects HOW: We’ll get to that in the next post... ;-)

[airecla-blog]

When studying, most people try to find motivation thinking that this will get them through their study session, or they will see their failure as a result of a lack of motivation. While motivation might be useful in the short term, discipline is what you need in the long term to succeed. 

Lets take a look at the difference:

motivation- a goal or reward that you look forward to that will encourage you to study - while this is useful, what happens on a day when you just don’t feel like studying?

discipline- being trained to routinely study regardless of how unmotivated you are - this is what will get you out of bed on a day you don’t feel like studying.

How to become self-disciplined:

1. Just do it. Whatever the task is, whether its due in a month or due tomorrow, just get on with it. No point procrastinating because you’re wasting time. Instead you can do the task and then reward yourself! Be harsh on yourself (but not too harsh!). Set short term goals, make a to-do list, delete all social media, do whatever it takes to just get that damn task done!

2. No zero days!. whether its studying for 30 mins or 3 hours, study for some time everyday. This will help help develop a routine and make it easier for you to cope. Also, by studying everyday you’re brain will know that the content you are learning should be stored as long-term information so this will benefit you during exam season!

3. Avoid long breaks. Unless you are 100% confident that taking an hour break means ONY an hour break then you can ignore this step. But like the majority, we can get extremely distracted and our hour break can end up being a 4 hour break and then we realise it’s time to go to bed?! To avoid this, only take small breaks when you know you are losing energy/ concentration. The last thing you want is studying for 30 mins and your brain is in the mood to be productive, then you take a 15 min break and come back but realise you want a longer break and not in the mood to study anymore. 

4. Be patient. It’s going to be a rough journey, it’s going to be hard but you’ve got this! Take it one step at a time. Start off by completing one task a day, then move to two, then three, and the next thing you know, you’ll have a regular routine where you will constantly be ticking off your to-do list everyday! Also, please be kind to yourself, know when your body is not in the right state of health to study and don’t force it. Only force yourself to a limit, you’ll know when to stop and that’s ok. Just try again when you feel better!

thank you for reading this and I hope this has helped, please feel free to message me!

[airecla-blog]

THINKERTOYS: Preface (II)

Alright. I’m finally back again to work on myself! 

I’ve been putting reading off because I’m lazy. School also started and then there was the hurricane scare, so I’m still trying to get into the classes I want. Because of that (and my laziness), I haven't done any homework!! Yay. Me. :-) 

Anyway, this past week has been rough. I’m trying to rethink my life plan and maybe just learn to focus on myself and only myself. It’s all in God’s plan and timing. 

Anyway, that’s where I’m at right now. Shall we begin?

In the book, it said that Richard Cohen explains, 

“‘The one thing that’s always in my control is what is going on in my head. The first thing I did was to think about who I am and how I could prevail. By choosing my feelings on a conscious level, I am able to control my mood swings and feel good about myself most of the time.’”

For background information, Cohen is an author and producer for CBS. He had multiple sicknesses and lived in discomfort for most of his life. I just wanted to mention that because it genuinely amazes me to know that it is possible to keep a positive attitude through all the adversities in the world. It is also humbling and reminds me of the time when I was crying my eyes out at work because I had a really bad fight with someone I love. Someone popped into my office and told me that he recently found out his wife had cancer again and his dog also died, but he’s still trying to keep a positive attitude. It made me feel like a jackass, but it made me stop crying because it brought me down back to earth and gave me perspective.

I constantly struggle with my emotions and controlling my thoughts. My feelings consume me and bring me to think such dark thoughts. It really affects me and the people around me, which I really hate... I want to work towards being a positive person who isn’t affected by the smallest things and assumes the worst. It is one of my biggest flaws. I want to embody his type of mindset.

The book continues,

“... life is like standing on a rolling ship. You’re going to fall. And it’s a constant challenge to get up and push yourself to keep going. But in the end, he said, the most exhilarating feeling in the world is getting up and moving forward with a smile.”

Everything before the bolded text depicts where I’m currently at in life. The bolded is where I want to be. How will I do that? Through practice with this book and consistency.

And this is the exact goal:

“You long to become more alive and creative in your personal and business lives. The feeling for it is the most primitive feeling a person can have. The feeling for it is as primitive as the feeling for your own well-being.

… The person who believes he is a subject is frank open-minded, sincerely going ahead, facing the situation freely, and looking for ways to make things work and get things done.”

I want to be present in my life and purposeful in this world. I want to be my own boss; create a passion project that turns into a business and then build a team to work towards my dream. I didn’t mean to rhyme, but it works. Haha. I don’t know what exactly I want to do, but I know that in order to do anything, I need to be that type of person to succeed.

Here’s a tip from the book:

“Creators are joyful and positive. Creators look at “what is” and “what can be” instead of “what is not.” Instead of excluding possibilities, creators include all possibilities, both real and imagined. They choose to interpret their own world and do not rely upon the interpretations of others.”

That’s super important! I find that in times that I can be creative, I allow myself to experiment and learn from my mistakes. It’s totally refreshing being in that type of mental space and environment because I know that I can always change and try again. At the same time, I can be excited about my ideas coming to life and see people interact with it in real life, which is totally awesome! :-)

Wowowowow… OKAY. I just want to include this paragraph because it hit me in the face:

“It’s impossible to be creative if you are negative. Most people presume that our attitudes affect our behavior, and this is true. But it’s also true that our behavior determines our attitudes. You can pretend or act your way into a new attitude. We choose to be positive or to be negative.”

Ya. Sorry, I know it’s repetitive, but bro, the book just called me out. I constantly feel sluggish because all I do is stay in my room, sleep and go on my phone. By putting myself in a shitty environment and not taking action, it dampens my mood. I don’t feel like doing anything and I become grouchy and self-loathing because I’m lazy. 

Someone I love once told me, “The mind is weak if you think like you speak. It’s DOING things that will make or break [you].” He’s telling me that no matter what I tell myself or say I’m gonna do, it’ll never change my mindset and life because I’m not doing anything about it. I’m not putting in any effort into being better. I’m not showing it. 

I’m going to end this post with this powerful paragraph because it puts your fate into your own hands:

“No matter how indifferent the universe may be to our choices and decisions, these choices and decisions are ours to make. We decide. We choose. In the end, our own creativity is decided by what we choose to do or what we refuse to do. And as we decide and choose, so are our destinies formed.”

Let’s get this shit.

#althinkertoys

[airecla-blog]

I have a dilemma

I want my blog to be readable and organized. The problem is that I want to write about anything and everything that I am going through while still doing the book series and maybe even other stuff... I don’t know. I want this blog to get my creative flows going and bring more self-awareness. I wanna figure out my passions, strengths and weaknesses and start a passion project. I wish tumblr gave me the ability to create something like a playlist to organize ideas into topics. That way it’ll be easier to follow my blog, but I suppose hashtags will have to work. 

[airecla-blog]

THINKERTOYS: Preface (I)

So right now it’s showing me 3 images drawn on 3 different papers; one, an irregular squiggle; two, nothing; and three, a diamond at the center. The book is asking me which one I think depicts my “real self” best. 

It’s definitely not the diamond. Don’t know what the hell that means. Maybe someone who’s put together? Anyway, it’s either the blank paper or the irregular squiggle paper. Blank paper because I have no idea where I’m going in life. I have interests, but I feel as if they’re dead-ends. Also, I feel empty like I don’t have anything that I’m striving for right now. On the other hand, I think the better option is the irregular squiggle paper because even though I’m lost, I’m trying. It’s like what Karin Bohn showed in her video, success doesn’t look like a straight line, it looks like a squiggly line. There’s no exact formula to it, you just figure things out along the way. Plus I’m a messy person--figuratively and literally. So there. This is my answer: my “real self” looks like an irregular squiggly line. 

Okay. Wow. Hold on. Let me just tell you what it said in the next paragraph:

“The majority of people choose either the squiggle or the blank sheet. Almost none chose the diamond-shaped dot. Yet, the sheet with the dot is the most centered and solid and has the most feeling and potential. The blank sheet feels empty and meaningless. The one with the squiggle creates an impression of disturbance and incoherence.“

Well damn, bitch. Lol. What an accurate description. I promise I didn’t read on before I answered the question. Haha. The way I’m doing my post is I’m reading and once they ask a question, I reflect over here and then read on afterwards. Moving on.

Can I just share another thing? The book says:

“We know the diamond-shaped dot was what we wanted to select but, in some way, our sense of self made us feel unworthy, and so we rationalized why we selected the squiggle or the blank. It is the same way in life.“

Um... Girl... U betta preach. Was I not just talking about this in my last post? I felt that. Constantly in my life I feel like I’m not able to do things because it’s as if I create this lane for myself that I can’t step out of. By knowing that whatever I want to try to be good at or learn is out of my lane, I put my foot in the water, but immediately take it out because it’s too cold. It’s not in my lane. I try it out, but I can’t fully indulge and give myself my best shot because it’s not “where I’m supposed to be.” And that, my friends, IS HORRIFYING AND SELF-DESTRUCTIVE. I limit myself because I view myself in such a small and dim light. HOW CRAZY AND SAD IS THAT!? It’s time for changes. Reading on.

“The person who believes he is a subject is frank, open-minded, sincerely going ahead, facing the situation freely, and looking for ways to make things work and get things done. The person who believes she is an object is inhibited, pushed, driven, acting by command or intimidation, has a one-track mind, and is always looking for reasons things can’t be done or why things can’t work. They cannot deal with life as free and happy people; they are narrowed and enslaved by their attitude.“

Pretty sure Michael Michalko is calling me out rn. How are you gonna do that to me, man? 

Okay--no exaggeration--I couldn’t have picked a better book for me. You know when you read astrology and you try to reach for the relevancy and truth in the horoscope in comparison to real life? I thought it’d be like that reading this book, however, I would talk about my feelings on here only to read it again in the book later on. It’s super insane to feel like I can genuinely understand and connect with this material because now, it motivates me to read on and open up. 

Going back to the paragraph previously written, the subject is definitely the type of person I want to change into and that’s why I started blogging to see if it can actually happen. The reason why I want to embody those qualities is because I envision myself either working creatively with a team or being my own boss and maybe of others too in the future. I enjoy independent work where I can lose myself in a passion project, but I also love collaboration and being surrounded by people who helps me to grow and never stop learning. Having those skills and qualities creates a space of enlightenment, motivation, hands-on opportunity, quick-thinking and problem-solving, which is what you need being in a team or a boss. As I’ve constantly said, I limit myself with my attitude and mindset, which causes this never-ending stagnation. These excuses and this laziness will finish me! I cannot continue to be this way or else I can’t live the life I want. Let’s get to a better place. Shall we?

Alright, sorry if it is abrupt, but I’m ending this here. It’s almost 2 in the morning and I’m hella tired. Lol. UNTIL NEXT TIME!

#althinkertoys

[airecla-blog]

THINKERTOYS

Gonna start reading and documenting this journey of changing the way I view myself and how I think. I’ve really been in a rut since... I’d like to say... high school. I constantly am in a slump, sad over the fact that I don’t know what my purpose is. I’d really like to figure that out. I know I’m a very passionate person when I take interest in something. What seriously holds me back is my lack of confidence and fear of failure. I don’t feel afraid to experiment, but I think in order for me to be comfortable to do things full-out, I need to be comfortable with everyone and everything in my environment--so maybe I am afraid after all. Haha. I’m silly. I sometimes have these crazy ideas to do something and I realize now that I never follow through with them because I pay too much attention on my limitations, whatever they may be. Anyway, I’m in college and I was supposed to graduate this year, however, I didn’t because I was too busy not giving a shit about the classes I was taking and retaking (smh). They couldn’t keep me interested and motivated enough to even finish assignments. I’m literally just trying (barely) to finish my AA so that I can actually take classes that are more enticing. I still don’t really know what I’m into, but hopefully as I get to know myself, I’ll figure that out, what I’m good at and create a passion project for myself. This has all been very repetitive and boring, so I’ll just start reading and do my first progress post! Wish me luck. Praying I’ll stick to it. *fingers crossed*

#althinkertoys

[airecla-blog]

Exactly why I chose Economics as my major.

Why should I major in economics in college?

This is fantastic question. Let me do my best to convince you.

The study of economics is really the study of decision making. We have to make choices, both big scale and small scale, at every moment in our lives. For example, I’m choosing to answer this question now, rather than going out for a run or calling my grandmother. Why do I have to make that choice? One simple reason exists: scarcity.

Scarcity means we have limited resources, such as money and time. I can’t answer this question and go for a run and call my grandmother at the same time. If I could, I’d be pretty talented. What economics does is inform you of how decisions ‘should’ be made in the face of scarcity. It does so with the aim of maximizing utility (ie. your benefit), or profit, or whatever else you may wish to maximize.

Economics gives you a lens with which you can look at the world critically. It teaches you how to see the costs and benefits of every decision, be it production, policy, or anything else. It teaches you to remember that nothing is free, that everything costs something, that every choice has consequences. Economics tries to weigh these consequences, and make the ‘best’ decision in light of all the information available. 

It’s a profession that gets a bad rap, and sometimes for good reasons. It’s dismal, it’s sometimes wrong, it can be seen as cold and calculating, and even as immoral. Sometimes that’s fair. Nothing is absolute in the world of economics; everything is subject to biases and context. But the tools economics give us are incredibly invaluable to understanding how the world works, how anything ever gets done. How do we allocate our health care resources? What should we do to reduce our carbon footprint? How does education play into wages? What determines the prices of avocados at the supermarket? Economics supplies answers to all of these questions, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. 

I guess what I’m trying to say, if I’m saying anything at all, is that economics explains a lot about the world we live in. It tries to help us understand how we got where we are, and how to get where we want to go.