allergic-diary

[allergic-diary]

i love and appreciate you so much. I hope that comes through in my actions but i feel like lately maybe it hasn’t. I have been navigating a new world of feelings lately and i feel like—for better or for worse—you have been on the receiving end. I’m anxious lately, in. a way that I haven’t been before and i’m trying to figure it out. I’m sorry for all the ways i’ve been unkind to you :( even when they’re in my head. I never mean it, but when i’m in a moment and feeling bad it spirals and i feel bad about everything, even us. and i know it’s manufactured but it feels so so real in the moment and i’m afraid those instances have done or are going to do damage. i’m sorry for freaking on you :( it’s not a cute trait and the way you comfort and handle me in those moments is always perfect. you are so kind and gentle with me. life has been so hard on you too :( and i’ve gotten selfish and ignored the ways you’re being stretched too thin. i’m going to work on it bb. i want to get sorted in the head so i’m not making a mess anymore.

#d24

[allergic-diary]

shirley and i had a lot of tearful conversations this week and i think the only progress we made was realizing there’s some individual things to work on. i think mine entail a lot of exploration into the fear and anxiety i’m having about moving forwards. she’s ready to be with me forever and that makes me freak out. concerns i can’t shake:

-(and i haven’t talked w her abt this one yet) her realizing she wants to transition and i can’t be on board for that

-us being too different. do we need more in common?

-i do want kids now. i want two. i really am only willing to carry one.

-raising kids. does she really want that? does she know what all it entails?

-am i too pressed about all of these responsibilities?

sometimes i think i put myself in this role i don’t really want to be in: maternal, caretaker, oldest. but it’s what i’ve been trained to do. i need to work on letting myself be taken care of. i have a hard time being vulnerable enough to do that.

#d23

[allergic-diary]

i don’t know why it was so hard for me to speak tonight. here’s what i wanted to say:

i love you completely. just the way you are. and i’m holding room for all the persons and versions you will become. it’s hard tho bc my ego wants to fight it. my ego wants to say “we’re trying to settle down too fast. i don’t know if we’ll be compatible forever. what if i don’t like the way you do certain things. what if we can’t make each other happy forever.” my soul, though, wants to surrender. my soul wants to bask in love and devotion. and the two are fighting. last week, i was ready to say yes to an engagement. today, something shifted and i got cloudy again. too in the head. all i know is how deep my love for you runs. and i’m sorry you feel this push-pull.

#d23

[allergic-diary]

god i love my gf

#d23

[allergic-diary]

i don’t want to love blindly, i want to love with my eyes wide open and in spite of it.

#d23

[allergic-diary]

baby, we are made of the same dust.

but where you became the cool stone and stalagmites

at the the biting mouth of a cave,

i became the gleaming rocks along a gentle stream

craving sunlight.

and i know, my darling, you crave my glitter

just like i long for the respite of your cool shade.

#d23

[allergic-diary]

last night I told Shirley I love her for the first time. And it went so much better than I could have ever hoped for. We were doing at home tattoos and the first one I did was a Calculator that said boobs when you looked at it upside down so from her perspective, it said her boobs cause it was on her leg, and I had to do that to gain the confidence because I was freaking out. After that, I committed to it, and I drew an eyeball and heart and you and then underneath a wrote Te’Amo. And she told me she was going to write the same thing in Chinese. I just feel so lucky right now and so free and I can’t think too much about it or I start to cry. This feels like such a healthy relationship and I feel so so lucky. This is my first experience and this is how it’s going, I’m super tired because we stayed up until 4 AM having sex and also just talking and cuddling 

#d23

[allergic-diary]

this was really just. my year of love. is that what i asked for on january first? i dont remember. it seems familiar, but it’s faded into a dream. but whether it was demanded for or yearned for so hard over decades, it happened. it’s happened in so many ways that exceed my every expectation, everything i could have asked for. love. the love from my family that lets me feel supported and go distances to fulfill my goals. the love for and from my friends (old and new) that fills me with warmth and giggles and long conversations. the romantic love that i’ve never had before (and—if i’m being honest—i questioned sometimes whether or not i’d ever experience it at all) and the way i tingle from finger tip to hairs, the way it makes me cry when i think of her. the way i think of a future now. i have a vision for a future that is so full of love it brings me to tears and fills me with a hope i didn’t know possible. and even if i never get another year like this, i have had so much love that i can be free. i can be happy. thank you 2022 for your service. i loved you too.

#d23

[allergic-diary]

recapping ye old year of 2022 (possibly best year of my life)

January

interview with UTMB and UTSW, one where i’ll go and one where it meant the world to me that i got an interview

worked the Omicron surge and got REALLY efficient at swabbing noses

it went from being really cold to really 70° and i spent a lot of time soaking up the sun

i started on accutane

february

snow days!!

started running more regularly

amanda came out to visit!!

THE BIRTH OF BOY DONOR

i just got REALLY into music again and wanting to write and play. i was also pining and lonely and wanting a gf BAD

march

NYC babey!! we saw Hadestown, Chicago, and my first opera

went to connecticut for the first time and stayed with Marcy where we learned she’s in a cult and i got sick w a cold. also more snow.

oh, i matched with UTMB! and at first was kind of disappointed but i’m so happy now :)

lots of lizard time

april

my last month working at driven healthcare :( and saying goodbye to everyone

austin trip w maddy and emily!!

oh also my acne was getting HORRIBLE

found my current roommate and apartment in galvy

may

started packing shit up :P

big project for the year was refinishing and painting my desk

spiritually cleansed my moms haunted listing

LA BABEY!!! omg had SO much fun w muth, gracie, and amanda. we hit santa barbara, solvang, malibu, and the church of scientology

came home and immediately started packing for…….

june

……GREECE! we spent the first half of the month doing our mamma mia fantasy

Delphi, Athens, Santorini, and Naxos; it was gorgeous, delicious, and i didn’t want to leave

but. we did. and then we came home. and then i had to leave again :/

july

on july 1st we loaded up the uhaul (NIGHTMARE) and drove down to galvy for the first time

#d22

[allergic-diary]

shirley i love you. i have for months now but i wanted to really mean it before i said it. not just a rush of chemicals. i wanted to simmer.

i loved you all the way back to dallas after you gave me a little sticky note with a UFO in the desert. no symbolism. it is what it is. and i loved it.

i loved you on halloween and you let me dump all my worries about medical school and life in your car and made them fade away.

i loved you when we stood in my kitchen and you said you’re afraid i’m going to leave but that you’d want to wait for me anyway.

i loved you in the bed of that air bnb in austin when you stopped mid-sex to fish a booger out of my nose. and then you ate it.

i loved you as i painted you on top of me, and i loved you even more when your eyes welled up when you saw the final product.

i loved you when i was in the bathroom crying bc my dog had died and you didn’t say a word, you just wrapped your arms around me.

i loved you so so much when i called you, scared, bc i was in so much abdominal pain i didn’t know if i could stand up, and you didn’t hesitate to drive to me. you didn’t think twice abt taking me to the ER. and when it went away before we even got in there and i felt stupid and silly for creating this whole debacle, you never once made me feel stupid or silly. you just made me feel taken care of and loved.

shirley i love you and no matter when i tell you this, i know i’ll wish i said it sooner. but i won’t stop saying it after.

#d22

[allergic-diary]

horrible horrible week. piggie passed away. almost had an ER incident last night (didn’t, but ended up going to bed two hrs later than i wanted to and now an exam today). :(

#d22

[allergic-diary]

my baby piggie :(((( god i pray you make it through the night. i know your heart wants to quit. and i understand if you want to let go. i love you so so much and i wish i was there with you baby. i love you i love you i love you and you’re forever and always going to be my most special baby, my first little one. i’m so sorry you’re so sick. and i just don’t want you to suffer. i’m so sorry you’re alone right now but we didn’t have any other choice. just know i love you so much, even from miles and miles away.

#d22

[allergic-diary]

i’m not trying to be funny so you’ll like me. i’m trying so i get to hear your laugh, watch your face light up. i love watching you when you don’t know i’m watching. when your brows furrow while you study. when you’re driving, hand in mine. when you’re eating and putting all your concentration into that fat sammie. i love the way you check in. how you’re a gentleman. i love how you make me feel taken care of. how you want what’s best for me. i love thé ease i feel. you feel. i love you.

#d22

[allergic-diary]

standing in the kitchen.

staring each other down.

i don’t remember how we got here. but i was definitely driving.

you said you think i might leave.

that you’d understand if i did.

you said “i would wait for you.”

i love you too.

#d22

[allergic-diary]

*sharp inhale* ooof! it hurts!!!! here’s what i would say if i wasn’t shy and awkward. i can’t stop thinking about you. i’m not even sure what i’m thinking, it’s like my brain is putting together these little collages and fan cams of your face and your laugh. and then i hear your voice and i smile. i’m preoccupied. i want to talk with you but i don’t really have anything to say. and that’s why i just try to clown, i want you to like me, i want you to laugh. i really want to hear your laugh. i’m with other ppl and i just keep thinking abt when i get to see you next, when i get to be pressed up against you. i want to drop everything and rearrange all my plans. i don’t know how to say any of this in a way that won’t make me cringe HARD. i want to be soft with you. i want you to feel taken care of. i have so many fears but i want to be with you in spite of them.

#d22

[allergic-diary]

ugh ugh ugh i just want to be touching youuu even if we’re just sitting in silence i want to be squished up against your body.

#d22

[allergic-diary]

this is so baaadddddddd i wanna be a huge slut now😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

#d22