allyanaleizel

[allyanaleizel]

🎧 Listening to: Chappell Roan. A friend of mine asked me if I listen to her songs and briefly, I said "no, but I'll give it a try!" Surely enough, after listening to the first song in her album The Rise and Fall of a Midwest Princess, I got hooked right away! I needed to get my palate cleansed from all the I'm working late cuz I'm a singer~ and salamin, salamin. Links: Good Luck, Babe!, Red Wine Supernova (Live)

🍿 Watching: I've been trying to catch up with One Piece. I thought I could stop for a while, but I'm 100+ episodes away from the latest episode again!

🐓 Playing: Stardew Valley! Many of my friends said I'd love this game, but I kept hesitating because of my device syncing preferences. But with my current setup, I figured it wouldn't hurt to just have it on my iPad. I've been having so much fun! I named my cows Gouda, Mozzarella, Brie, and Cheddar.

🍙 Learning: 日本語 Japanese. It's something I started doing during the height of the pandemic, but at the time I figured it was pointless if I'm not gonna travel anytime soon. I finally took my studying out of Duolingo and began to self-study using books. Though I feel like I'd gone back to kindergarten learning basic words, haha! Humble beginnings, am I right? But I'm deeply motivated by my strict tutors a.k.a. my 11 & 7 year old nieces.

🍵 Drinking: CBTL's Today's Iced Tea. I stopped being coffee-reliant for so long now. (Yes, it's possible to function all day!) When I do drink coffee, I always end up sleeping at 5AM! So I've been enjoying tea-based drinks right now.

🍂 Enjoying: Time with my family. These days, it's been difficult to ask friends to hang out due to conflicting schedules. And honestly, I'm so demotivated to go out because of the heat. I guess when you get older, you really do just enjoy the comfort of being with your parents. They're not getting any younger anyway.

[allyanaleizel]

Hello, internet!

I have a confession to make. I find Instagram too overwhelming now with all the reels and the algorithm. Twitter (now named X) feels like a graveyard. I feel a bit uncomfortable to put my life on TikTok. I don’t think I have the following to start a newsletter. I know I’m not eloquent enough to write amazing things on Medium or Substack. So, where do I go?

Here I am, in the platform where I basically started and learned how to express my creativity. The good ‘ol Tumblr blog. A lot of things have definitely changed and there’s a bit of learning curve into navigating the interface again. I do, however, find some comfort in feeling like I’m just talking to myself. No number of real-time views, no algorithm, and not a single care whether or not I gain followers.

It’s been almost a decade since I last used Tumblr seriously. I know it’s dramatic to say, but this place is truly where I discovered my skills and passion. There was a time when doodles were a thing and I became that girl in high school who would just doodle during math class. I would get scolded by my teachers but it never really bothered me. I also remember getting into coding my own Tumblr themes, that’s why until now some basic CSS/HTML is ingrained into my brain. I learned how to use Photoshop, Paint Tool SAI, etc. I got into digital photography because everyone else on my feed was doing it. Even though I had the most beginner friendly DSLR, I treasured it the most up until college. Basically, I was a sponge. Anything that piques my creative interest, I would always try my best to learn something about it.

10 years later.

Sometimes when we look at our current selves and where we are now, we tend to overlook the progress we’ve made throughout the years. Writing this somehow makes me smile. Because even though I know deep down that I’m not a hundred percent satisfied with who I am at the moment, I know that the person I described in my last paragraph is extremely proud of our progress. I wish I could tell her that we graduated at our dream university with flying colors and best solo thesis award. I wish I could tell her about the projects we’ve done and that we have a published children’s book locally. Lastly, I wish I could tell her that the things that made her feel “weird” in high school is now her part of her career that funds her bills, little travels, and dates with self & friends.

I am, by no means, saying that I am successful by society’s standard. There are boxes in my artist career checklist written 5 years ago that I no longer what to pursue. I am the kind of person who believes that success is defined by one’s self, and it’s not only limited to career but your life as a whole.

The shift.

If you’ve been following me on Instagram, you might’ve read some stories I’ve shared about struggling with burnout and finding motivation to create personal art again. At first I was convinced that it was just a creative burnout. But, a burnout can’t possibly last for years, right? insert grinning face with swear emoji here My second theory is that maybe deep down I wanted to just prioritize having a creative day job, since it brings in money to pay the bills. My last theory is how I feel like I’ve associated my creativity to my emotions, and that I could only create when I’m really going through something. (Like a heartbreak or during the peak of the panini.) And since I’m at my happiest state, I no longer feel the need to escape through art.

Whether it’s a burnout or something else, I do believe that I’m just taking my time. Quoting Ursula from Kiki’s Delivery Service, "Stop trying. Take long walks. Look at scenery. Doze off at noon. Don’t even think about flying. And then, pretty soon, you’ll be flying again.”

I don’t want to put myself in a box.

When you have a lot of interests, it’s kind of difficult to find an outlet for all the things that you want do. The internet advice always seems to say “find a niche and stick with it.” But…what if I don’t want to? I really thought my dream was to become an independent illustrator, but somehow I found myself enjoying design too. As I described earlier, I am the kind of person who likes to explore anything that piques her creative interest — and this took me a while to fully embrace. Throughout the years, I also learned that I have non-creative skills that can thrive in a workplace such as team & project management. So why put myself in a box when there’s so much more out there that I can try out?

I still have a lot to figure out, but I’m slowly trying to get back to things I enjoy doing. I’m just really calm and happy right now being the most basic adult with her day job on weekdays and doing her silly little chores on weekends.

Whew, this is one lengthy post. Maybe I am a yapper, after all. Haha! But I do hope to share more of my life and thoughts here. If you’re still reading this, thank you and I hope you have a great rest of your day!

All love and sunshine,

Allyana