amandaearl

[amandaearl]

The White Butterfly At Little Victories On Elgin

government worker on lunch break wants me pre-lubed with no “panties,” his words, in the dress I wore yesterday on Snapchat my tits hanging out

I kneel and lick his toes, looking up I notice the condom which will deprive me of the satisfaction of swallowing

I like his soft chest hair he tells me the pic of my furry cunt gave him a hard on

I have never spent that long licking balls he holds off though despite complimenting my tongue skills as I press my face against him and he holds my head down

a new condom for doggy, my ass hanging over the edge of the bed and my fingers lubing up my cunt again to avoid what happened with A, the young man from Saudi Arabia in May whose fucking made me bleed

after government worker comes he puts his clothes on right away I’m a free noon whore

I ask him about the tattoo in Arabic on his inner arm he tells me it means hope

he admires the visual poetry hanging on the hallway wall

after he goes I put on an upcycled flower dress from Montreal and wander up Sparks to Elgin to Little Victories where I order an Iced Americano and sit outside in the shade

a white butterfly or perhaps it is a daydream plays in the tall ornamental grass or I suppose you can say it flies in between the long green blades distracting me from reading a poem about a see-through leaf

I’ve taken up meditation to help me manage pain

a busker on Sparks covers Nick Cave’s In My Arms

I’m celebrating, you see with a blow job to a stranger and coffee alone on a sidewalk patio

I want the white butterfly to land on me a moth to a flame it returns as if I’ve conjured it out of my imagination

a young woman in white faces me at an adjacent table, the wind blows her long, brown hair off her shoulders

[amandaearl]

Upper Lorne, Victoria Day Weekend

past the no exit sign I like to find secret round the corner walks but I share off Primrose them with those past the magnolia tree I love and the lilacs today Charles the statue of Mary and I did my daily Magdalene on the church walk even though the house now for sale humidity made us both don’t go down the metal sticky and sweaty stairs freezing in winter maybe it was a little shorter and hot to hang on to than the thirty minutes in summer recommended whose bright idea I to walk so it’s no was a staircase hard task in the made of metal moderate temps sit on the bench we’ll see how I do made from a coupla in the above 30s old trees stumps or 20 belows for wheels a car what secrets shaped bench can be found to rest on in the blinding snow take a gander except the dreams at the innovative the mind conjures three story tall with a blank house on the corner canvass or a wind wander past each that pierces wooden century through layers home back on of winter clothing to Somerset it’s restful and go to Kowloon to think of winter for the burdock root when it’s too hot and duck egg on the long weekend five varieties of pears in May the Victorians lemon leaf in plastic celebrating like it’s wrap and styrofoam 1899 with the 24s get back home before and bbq the thunder

[amandaearl]

O, lilacs

Thursday’s heat has unleashed the fragrance of just bloomed lilacs the colour of the pale pink ring encircling my nipple that I trace for you with a wet finger as you watch it rise I thumb over it, down and up then cup the breast and squeeze to show you the upturned plump little nub sweet little berry-like nub which I take between thumb & index finger I raise my breast higher and lean down so I can reach it with my tongue

[amandaearl]

on the first warm day I wear my brown corduroy mini skirt and knee-high sunflower socks swaying my hips and feeling sexy

listening to women singing through my headphones

I enjoy the sly glances of men as they check out my naked legs

I smile and think about how we’re all horny in the spring

I take photographs of chairs, bird houses and the first magnolia tree in bloom the air is full of the scent of trees about to burst

I like to look up when I’m on my knees with a guy’s cock in my mouth

the way it gets harder when he sees my dark brown eyes grow wide with desire nothing makes me feel more aroused than giving pleasure

I walk toward the big blue sky behind a woman in a short dress blowing in the breeze I love her strappy orange high heels her calves are so shapely I want to follow them up with my tongue

It’s been months since I’ve pleasured a stranger I’m jonesing for a little patio time, followed by intimate explorations and silly conversations in bed but it’s still a little soon so I share naked photos of myself on FetLife a poor substitute for sweat and licks and cum

a red cardinal perches on a bare tree in front of the funeral home on Cooper a rare sighting downtown they say this is the presence of a loved one who has died

[amandaearl]

ever been in the circus? I eat a strawberry with cold sticky hands on a bench in Dundonald Park in the sun grateful for the bathrooms at Staples grateful for the egg salad sandwiches at Massine’s and the strawberries too, even though one of them was moldy I waited until I got to the bench before I opened the food didn’t even struggle with the plastic container like I usually do I think I had my first blood sugar low in the grocery store all panicky and giddy and maybe lightheaded it was seriously weird and I knew I had to eat something on Fetlife I suggested folks join me at the park for a meander downtown but thirsty dudes were the only ones to respond and they stopped messaging me when they learned all I wanted was conversation not a fingering in the park or some idiotic horn-toad idea in the elevator I chatted with a man who pushed 22 meaning he lived on the top floor, 2 floors up from me he laughed at something I said when I got into my apartment I discovered the glob of egg salad on the front of my coat I poured milk into my little flowered mug grabbed a slice of roast beef sat on the couch, then spilled milk onto the carpet and a bag full of books and chapbooks after only a few sips I guess I was feeling it still the giddy weird lightheadedness I thought I was going to faint in the store but I still chatted up the lanky fella with the sour cream and yogurt containers stacked somehow between chin and hands by means of long arms I asked him if he’d ever been in the circus and he said he had!

[amandaearl]

April 27: snow

up the hill between Preston and Booth, looking in the Corner Peach windows I used to like to sit at the bar at lunch time on a weekday drink a glass of good red while dipping some fresh bread into the soup of the day and listening to the conversations of folks I imagined to be secret lovers

past the former apartments of friends and former friends and the pho place where poets used to gather after readings late at night or early in the morning

I love how green and strong the tulip leaves are looking now they can withstand the weather, but can I? first it rained then it snowed I carried no umbrella I put up my hoodie and made myself small to fit between raindrops I like to disappear when I’m out pretend I’m a ghost capable of rising like smoke or blowing away like ashes, sparks, embers

[amandaearl]

she’s a choreographer of the refrigerator one crisper contains Polaroid film low carb and full of protein red onions are peel to pulp with berries safe in their plastic boxes while the celery lies limply beside cartons of eggs with the marge wedged in the back the carrots are stowed in the cupboard in a box of toilet cleaner pads and clean sponges she doesn’t know how she’ll reach the milk on Monday morning bleary eyed and low blood sugared to add to the coffee she’s not supposed to drink because the tower of tomato cans: pureed, diced, leftover crushed may reach their tipping point unless she is a Jenga expert at six in the morning

[amandaearl]

Little Red Ghost

she’s a red ambler a red dreamer a red meanderer in the daylight striding quick quick slow slow slow quick as it suits her mood past the red and white buses and the cars with workers en route

home early for a booze soaked Friday night and a narcotic stream of bland comic book heroes they idolize

Fox Confessor Brings the Flood in her ears the girl in a red hoodie walks through a fierce north wind before Central Hope

craving chai, craving sugar, counting the imaginary carbs of imaginary meals

skateboarders make daring jumps at McNabb blond ponytails rising as they wheel up and down concrete curves

his place is nearby he once asked her to put her used panties in his mailbox she’s always hated that word

she stuffed a thin orange cotton thong in her mouth and sent him the photo then snapped it to the fellas it arouses her when cocks turn hard from her

who’s invisible on the streets in her red outfit as she looks in their eyes

[amandaearl]

toasting walnuts to get rid of the tingle in my mouth when I eat them I can’t eat many other types of nuts that are healthy for diabetics or at least eat them unaccompanied but walnuts are good fat, offer fibre and protein the grab and go options like a handful of popcorn or almonds or raw carrots and celery on their own are dangerous for me you can microwave walnuts for two minutes they won’t have the same golden colour as they do when you put them in the oven or on the stove I’m a grab and go person distracted and busy with all my projects or asleep and in need of fast digestible food when I wake up yesterday I began my exercises by doing a robot walk because I feel like everything has to be regimented now you know how I love structure imposed externally I’d rather let my body and mood determine what I do how many things do I have to give up in my life just to keep going I’m waiting to be told I shouldn’t sleep after meals I’m thinking about how sleep is my favourite thing and sometimes I wonder what the point of getting up at all is

[amandaearl]

dead squirrel on Percy

I thought it was a small black suede purse with gold trim or clasps I leaned a little closer it upset me the curved position of the body the squirrel lay on the street, totally still a yellow crushed blur must have been guts I saw no blood I thought I would cry so I walked quickly away I’m not keen on squirrels their eyes look empty to me and that freaks me out but I felt so sad to see this little dead thing I’ve watched them run across Percy all the time always relieved when they survive I wonder whether the driver noticed the tiny bump or the crunch of a little skull as the car moved forward Percy is a one-way street that begins at Laurier and travels up a hill to the Glebe the driver could have been en route to lunch or a business meeting did this upset them too killing an animal are they grieving now were they alone or travelling with a child in a car seat in the back trying to get things done distracted and harried always fretting like we all are these days the days that are mostly the same with no reprieve

[amandaearl]

an omelet isn’t easy

once upon a time he always took my hand as we walked but it’s cold today and our gloves are thin and we rarely walk together anymore

this is an attempt to get me walking for thirty minutes a day we return to the apartment and the chili smells cook as it bubbles away in the crock pot

a single serving will be low enough in carbs for me to eat without guilt or worry these days to eat is to worry no matter what it is for lunch we had bland vegetable meatballs that even seasame oil couldn’t save but breakfast was a soft

omelet he made full of flavourful veg and lean turkey we watched videos to learn how to make better omelets everybody says an omelette is simple but nothing seems to be simple anymore eggs don’t cook evenly with electric heat you have to stir them make big or small curds then let them be

[amandaearl]

good friday etc

the easter bunny’s descent from the cross was hairy then he visited the big rabbit in heaven

the first thing he did upon his return to earth was to even out his blood sugar with a balanced meal of carbs, lean protein and veggies

which is how i happened to come across him on somerset street the stores in chinatown were open everybody smiled, dangling plastic bags full of leftover fried and sweet delights

i was returning from my 30 minute let’s manage my diabetes circuit trying to be zen as the nurse recommends

the easter bunny smiled at me then wiggled his long rabbit ears

[amandaearl]

Chartreuse

let’s just say I needed the soft grey air that felt like a blanket as I got my thirty minutes of walking in let’s just say I walked through it and felt an ease. what is the location of that ease? the body, the mind? I don’t know. all I can say is that I let go.

green is coming back. green is the  colour of hope for a reason.  spring green is not the same as autumn green, darker and more seasoned by weather.

Chartreuse Verte was made in the Old World by monks 400 years ago and is still around today but very expensive because the recipe is kept secret in a monastery in Vauvert. There are herbs in there, but they don’t say what kind.

https://www.thespruceeats.com/about-chartreuse-liqueur-760267

[amandaearl]

mammogram

I pluck a few for the forthcoming plexiglass sandwich my cunt is feeling self conscious fingers prune up playing

I’m that cold individual with a few white public hairs, full of memories, all of them

I practice that forlorn feeling trapped while the concert of vertical and horizontal squish takes place

but it’s just reality tv flirtations with scars of memory

[amandaearl]

a lament, burnt orange

a woman pierced an orange with a stick thrust it into a campfire naked the thick skin was blackened when she removed it from the flames the fruit was untouched she peeled it and handed me a few segments which were hot and soothing on my throat as I carefully swallowed

full of cold I went to a dear friend’s wedding her in-laws brought Calvados  a brandy made by fermenting apples in sunlight and ocean air, or so it seemed to me when I drank several glasses

today I walked in the cold March air along bare sidewalks on Somerset across Dundonald Park and up to James Street to admire the Hollywood Parade, then North on Bank, passing closed donair shops and weed stores

I’m listening to the trumpets now after drinking a second cup of Irish Breakfast tea, letting it steep through the long notes, the bright brass contrasting with the wood smoke a city wanderer with a forest mind

the young trumpeter William Leathers featured on the morning news has given me a craving for that bright sound again after years of adoring Bitches Brew, like angels at the gates, I always think of that image, I don’t know whether they are playing trumpets or maybe St. Peter is while he waits for the next batch of recently dead to arrive

finding ways to cope, distractions, staying in motion, the temptation to curl up and sleep off the clench of my stomach how anxiety obstructs the bowels

I will begin the crocus quest again, the magnolia and lilac and peony and tiger lily count through my neighbourhood the secret gardens of Ottawa I’ve already seen a little green shoot hunched against a brick wall near the last remains of  snow, dirty from exhaust fumes I wonder what colour the tulip will be

[amandaearl]

Billings Bridge 3034 1A

en route to receive my diabetes diagnosis waiting for route 97 fellow bus riders on benches in the plexiglass shelter with its red painted metal borders leftover from the old transitway design of the 90s, that shiny red peeling way the benches scratched over with graffiti concrete floor and no heat you’d think the government was the enemy of public transit they make it so undesirable the wind is strong wispy clouds are doing little whirlwinds in the sky a child, maybe 3 or 4 years old, I can never tell wearing a violet covered winter coat and ski pants of a different flower I don’t know the name of is trying to hand out popcorn to fellow passengers some she’s already put in her mouth and at least one woman takes it! I wonder if I blanch beneath my 3-ply the parent has own mask down at chin level as do many if they’re wearing them at all a homeless man reminiscent of Relic from the Beachcombers has sparkling blue eyes a hole in his jeans no mask, but is probably more vaxed than anyone there since they’re now giving street folks smokes for vaxing we’re relics in this god damn shelter I’’m antsy about cars so I won’t take Ubers or Lyfts if I can avoid it others just don’t have the money we’re in the south part of the city or nearabouts I’m not great at geography if it’s outside downtown haven’t taken the bus for a long time I’d forgotten how time slows down when all you can do is wait

[amandaearl]

menopause is kicking my ass I wake up at three in the morning a lot of foods make me nauseous my mood goes from angry and insecure to lackluster and ambivalent it’s hard to focus there’s no joy I’m anxious about the horrors of the world and the far right bullies that tried to take over the city I live in the weather is also extreme lip service is all we get governments abandon us in favour of business and so the pandemic rages on it feels like we are in an apocalypse already last night a convoy of truckers was ushered into the city with their friendly police allies the world is hostile my body is hostile I am tired and out of steam rages on it feels like we me nauseous my mood goes from menopause kicking my ass to angry and lip service an apocalypse of truckers horrors of the world and the friendly police allies are far right bullies no joy I’m anxious about the city’s extreme of business the hostile pandemic menopause is kicking my ass I rage on it feels like we police allies a far night convoy of my body is hostile I’m anxious no joy I’m anxious about the horrors of the world and the governments abandon us in favour the weather also extreme lip service is all far right bullies friendly police allies the world is me nauseous my mood goes from take over to horrors of the world and lip service to an apocalypse of apocalypses tired and out of steam a lot of foods make me ambivalent it’s hard to focus there’s this menopause kicking my ass to angry rages business and so the pandemic wakes me up nauseous my mood goes from ushered into the city with angry and insecure lackluster to lackluster and tired and out of steam a lip service to this apocalypse of morning a lot of foods are extreme and tired in an apocalypse a far night convoy of my angry and insecure lackluster is anxious about the horrors of waking up at three in the night a convoy of rages of pandemic menopause kicking my ass to horrors of the world and wakes me up nauseous my mood weather is also extreme about the bullies that tried to take over the city I live in a hostile body bullied by horrors of the world and my nauseous mood goes from horrors to focus there’s this the world and the governments it feels like we police allies no joy I’m anxious no joy my mood goes 

from take over bullies to no joy I’m anxious menopause is kicking my lip service in an apocalypse of apocalypses me nauseous my mood goes from no joy to kicking my ass I rage on nauseous menopause kicking my ass