amillion-littlepieces

[amillion-littlepieces]

February 17 2024

I'm doing better these days.

[amillion-littlepieces]

December 20 2023

Wide awake late at night thinking on what to change if I got to do twice in another life

[amillion-littlepieces]

November 15 2023

There are times when I miss the old days.

[amillion-littlepieces]

June 19 2023

Inadequacy. My job can make me feel it a lot. It's self inflected.

Today was a normal day. Productive at work. But at the end of the day I still feel empty and board. Lack of meaning and purpose I think.

I thought moving away and buying a place would help fill the void but it hasn't.

I'm spending more time at my mom and dad's place since the accident. It helps but I can still feel depressed and tired. I also think I'm starting to eat to feel something and fill the void.

I have some thing to work through and some core issues still exist. I'm on a long wait list for therapy.....

[amillion-littlepieces]

June 15 2023

I'm tired. Consistently.

One thing I noticed today is I'm tired of people asking how I am or how I'm doing. I'm unwell and most of the time I feel like shit. I always end up answering I'm okay, I'm hanging in there, or I'm doing better. I do this because people from my experience can't handle the truth.

If I were to be honest and say I'm anxious, depressed, experiencing low self esteem or exhausted, people don't known what to say or they tell me something irrelevant from their past experience or what they have going on. We'll thanks pal , thats why I end up keeping it to myself as it's easier this way. You have no idea what this shit can feel like so no you can't relate and I don't appreciate trying to compare.

And honestly, when people ask how I'm doing, and I give somewhat of an honest answer, I can see their responses as insincere and you were asking as a formality or to go thorough the motions of small talk.

This fucking girl from works asks me today how I'm doing, I tell her hanging in there, ups and downs, and this girl takes an hour and a half to respond back. Fuck off.

How am I doing? I'm unwell and this shit doesn't get better overnight. I'm doing everything I can to keep going and get better. I'm exhausted and tired of answering how am I doing.

[amillion-littlepieces]

June 13 2023

I feel good today. In these moments I try and savor these good times.

[amillion-littlepieces]

Monday June 12 2023

It seems like the majority of my days I'm upset, agitated, generally pissed off, angry and in a shitty mood. I lash out at family members during normal conversations and interactions.

It's been like this for some time now. It's a tiring way to live and it takes a tole caring this kind of energy around....I hate feeling this way....

[amillion-littlepieces]

Monday June 12 2023

I miss the simpler days...when things were carefree

[amillion-littlepieces]

June 10, 2023

Back here again....no happy fairy tale ending...stuck in the same cycle, anxiety, depression, more than I would like to admit....

I'm tired and restless. I don't sleep. It's been months of this.... I haven't been happy since I can remember. Maybe over two years, probably since before Covid in March 2020.

And after a nasty little car accident I've been fully sober for 16 days. I honestly hate this shit.

I have good days and bad, when the bad times come it hits me like a typhoon and the non stop thinking and analyzing every aspect of my life is exhausting.

Which leads me to questioning choices I've made....

If I could go back in time I would change so many things.

When people say if they can go back in time, they wouldn't change a thing because it's made them who they are today. I've always thought that's bullshit and what people tell themselves to make themselves feel better about who and what they are. You're honestly telling me you wouldn't change one thing about your past? Right...

[amillion-littlepieces]

July 1 ,2021

A little over a month since I made the decision to come off my meds. I did talk the pharmacy and we are slowly tapering off. It's been harder than I anticipated. I've had withdrawals two or three time prior, each time coming off huge binges of xanax and OxyContin. Coming off my anxiety and depression meds has been similar in terms of withdrawal symptoms - headaches, dizziness, nausea, trouble sleeping, vivid dreams, irritability. It's fucking terrible.

I think back to how I was living a few years ago and I've been able to make a lot of the changes I've wanted. I thought to myself today, I've really changed and I'm not the same person anymore. I'm not really sure how I feel about this....

I'm still learning how to live without the friends I've known my whole life. At times I certainly feel an emptiness and a lonely feeling.

I want to see how I feel when I'm fully off the meds....one thing I've noticed is I can feel emotions again, both good and bad. These past few weeks have been very emotional for me because of that.

I often have doubts and question the changes I've made. It's not like I feel better or any happier, and If I'm being honest its probably the opposite. But these are changes that I was aiming for at the very beginning of this process. I'm keeping faith and holding onto hope. I want to be a better and happier person.

[amillion-littlepieces]

May 25 2021

Coming up on One Year since I last used. Drinking has also been cut to a minimum. Very proud and happy.

There are still ups and downs, peaks and valleys. This will remain a constant. I'm navigating life as best I can, accepting uncertainty and change. I still feel I am seeking or searching for something, I'm not sure what it is yet. I think wanting more and striving for something better is human nature.

I hope to learn more about myself and what life is all about. Gotta trust the process.

[amillion-littlepieces]

December 9 2020

What you doing in the bathroom I hear noises in the bathroom  Baby it's okay We can do it in the living room

[amillion-littlepieces]

December 8 2020.

With your Louis V. bag, tats on your arms High heel shoes.....

Hold your drink, baby, don't you fall. 

[amillion-littlepieces]

Monday November 30, 2020

“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, start whenever you want. You can change, or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. And I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength, to, start all over again.”

[amillion-littlepieces]

Monday November 23 2020

Brrrrrr

[amillion-littlepieces]

Thurs Nov 12 2020

[amillion-littlepieces]

Tuesday October 6 2020.

I have an idea of who I wish I were, and that obscures my understanding of who I actually am. I'm getting there though. Finding that balance.