amitylauren

[amitylauren]

ppl are always writing characters doing dumb shit like roasting a fresh-caught rabbit over an open flame instead of making a stew with that thing. great now you’re letting all the fat drip down into the fire as it cooks, wasting calories and flavor as well as causing the flame to flare up = inconsistent heat source,… when you could be maximizing the nutritional value of small game by making a soup or stew. Come on

[amitylauren]

nonbinary mixologist pronouns she/slurp call that a bargender

[amitylauren]

i had to explain a joke to adam in blackadder where stephen fry asks for "his hat" during a court martial. "oh yeah, in england they wear this stupid fucking hat when they sentence you to death" and then like the full realization of that hit me and like. what is wrong with them over there

[amitylauren]

[amitylauren]

that clip of the blues clues guy saying during the process of being hired to be on the show the kids were shown a "conventionally attractive" guys clip and his clip to some kids and they enjoyed him bc he looked like someone who would actually need help is how i feel about the main guy from that show the bear

[amitylauren]

I have OCD and with that comes quasi-hallucinations, and I grew up watching a ton of horror films so some of the worst of mine are the standard white skin/black hair demon girl type shit.

However, because a lot of them are based on horror film I have found comfort in doing things that “go against” horror films and being like “see? This could never happen.”

(It’s irrational. I know that. But shut up. This is how I cope.)

For example: I started hearing garbled whispering from beneath my table, so I started playing the muppets sound track. Because they would never play Movin’ Right Along when the protagonist is about to get attacked. That won’t happen. Disney, who owns the muppets, wouldn’t give them the rights.

And it fucking worked.

[amitylauren]

I do wholeheartedly believe Wes Anderson is a sick sick freak. I like his movies but I definitely think this guy has like a hidden room in his spacious french apartment that he slips into quietly each night and it is just filled with tiny little doll replicas of all the actors he's ever used in any of his movies and he puppets them around and mimicks their voices and shit. and sometimes he'll text Owen Wilson pictures of his little doll with a comb or something from an untraceable number and pair it with like "see how I take care of you Owen?" and then the following day Owen Wilson will find him at the service table and go, "Geez Wes look at this," and Wes will pretend to be all concerned and horrified but there is this calculating almost eager look in his eyes that unsettles Owen Wilson. and the next time Wes is having a little soiree with all his actors, his beloved beloved actors, maybe Owen Wilson will accidentally get lost on his way to the beautiful bathroom and find that little room and see all those dolls and his throat will hitch with horror. And before he can call Bill Murray or Adrian Brody to look a dark silhouette will appear in the doorway and Wes looks sort of resigned when he says, "I see you finally found my secret, Owen," and Owen Wilson will try and pretend that he's fine with it but they both know better. and Wes will go (the look in his eyes back again) "We both know this can't get out, right?" and he'll grin very suddenly and Owen Wilson will laugh along very nervously and leave the room and eat some brioche and when the evening is over he will rush over to his Prius and frantically click his keys but over the cobbles on the beautiful beautiful street there is the sound of footsteps. and tears are running down Owen Wilson's cheeks but he can't say a word and Wes, emerging from the shadows, will gently touch him on the shoulder and say, "look, I'll drive you to the airport, huh?" and Owen Wilson will try to refuse but they both know it's futile. and, halfway through the drive, Wes Anderson will smile and say, "I'll miss working with you" and then perfectly jump and roll out of the car, wiping off his corduroy pants, while Owen Wilson's Prius swerves into a local patisserie, bursting into flames

[amitylauren]

moment of silence for everyone who's just like their dad but a girl

[amitylauren]

This is a young adult novel, someone write it.

[amitylauren]

I love when bitches are like. We will be in dialogue this Thursday at 3pm

[amitylauren]

perfect bands don’t exi-

[amitylauren]

The holy siren

why do stores always say ‘gifts for her’??? who is she? why are millions of americans being encouraged to buy gifts for this entity? someone explain

[amitylauren]

you don't even like me. you just like my dubious morals and fat ass

[amitylauren]

why do stores always say ‘gifts for her’??? who is she? why are millions of americans being encouraged to buy gifts for this entity? someone explain

[amitylauren]

a good gender neutral term to use is “fool”

[amitylauren]

[amitylauren]