amma-af

[amma-af]

my mom had 13 pregnancies. 4 of them were miscarriages, the rest are seemingly healthy adults. as in, we’;re all definitely able bodied but we def also have some mental demons that we need to deal with so perhaps we’re not completely healthy. however, my mom had 13 pregnancies. 9 were a success well into adulthood, all nine but one have children, one is just yet to be married. soon. and he’s perhaps the most deserving of daughters. i hope he receives that rehmat one day. i hope i do too. soon. i just need blessings in my lap, i just need some sakoon. perhaps two rehmathain. that would be nice.

ok if we’re doing wish fulfillment, I would like to have triplets and we’ll hire a nanny or I’ll go to pakistan for some time. 

im not sure. my mom raised 9 of us in lahore, sometimes chiniot, internationally, and finally in america. her mom helped for the first several yearsof my life. prior to that, my mom had spent half her time in saudia raising 6 children on her own. 7, 8, 9--she had everyone in lahore. but she had to work tos stay in lahore. chiniot was a difficult option, her kids were not loved there. she wanted them to have more opportunities, she wanted them to be happy. lahore came with its own neglect, but it escaped the downward spiral of chiniot,

and then they came here. 8 children, and then the 9th with her own three.

today she has 9 nawasay/nawasiyan, with the 10th on the way. and and 7 potha/pothiyan with the 8th on the way.

mashallah, she has been a success when it oems to her wifely and motherly duties. she has suffered trmendous pain for it.

motherhood destroys you. and then to have external forces gnaw at you at the same time, i cant imaigne the mental and phsyical anguish.

but my mom is a lionness, taller than the highest mountains. she’s stronger than anyone i know.

she had never been to the gynecologist before. never had any examinations, just went in and out of labor. 

people shamed her for having so many children. they didnt realize what a superhuamn feat it was. i think most people stop at 5. because the rest is unfathomable.

that’s where im at. max capacity 5. the rest we can foster. inshallah if thats what im meant to do.

i’d always wanted to open up an orphanage when i was little, to take care of the babies who needed love. id love to do that now, in any way that i can.

foster photographer for now? i hate capitalism. 

[amma-af]

there’s so much pressure everywhere around me, in every area of my life really--except being a mother i guess. no one tries to tell me what to do with my kid because they know they don’t have anything to say that I’m not already doing. they know im a kickass teacher and and intelligent parent. or at least, that’s what i think it is. but there’s no  imposter syndrome here. like i get nervous sometimes and its fucking hard and i’ve been burned out since i gave birth and like, literally was playing double dutch with fucking death itself. and of course mustafa slept a ton. as babies do. but i didn’t. and i don’t think ive had a really good night’s rest in a while. except for the few times ive passed out from exhaustion and no amount of pestering could wake me up or id be so tired and pitiful that people would just let me do my thing. take mustafa away for a bit.   other times were when mustafa himself was so tired that we’d be knocked out together. but its 1:21 am and i just finished the dishes and tidying up a bit after nursing mustafa to sleep twice already since midnight.  but this is my only timet to really be.

but there’s so much exhaustion and so much pressure from everywhere. it’s like, im not like a bag of popcorn about to pop in the microwave or like something about to blow open a pressure cooker but like, a piece of chicken or a naan chilling inside an air frying just waiting to be done, but i get forgotten and sizzle beyond a burn out. 

i know im creative. i know im intelligent. i know im fucking capable. but ive been burned out since the first week of college having swam myself into a big pond only to be flushed down into the abyss of my own anxiety. also adhd maybe. still need to get diagnosed.

idk man its like, ive been tired for so lomng and life has just thrown opne thing after the next and i’ve never known how to cope iwth it and now my back fucking hurts. and i chose motherhood.

which is amazing and beautiful but fucking hard, back breaking work and i already neglect my kid enough but i dont think i can afford to add more than the 3 hours of partitmejob that i already do every day. even doing things ive been itching to do for years.

its like i was in my prime career wise, so focused i could see myself on the top so clearly, even without my glasses. and then i took a business trip and then fam and fate intervened and i met the absolute biggest blessing of my life, went back to hustle like hell, but then got married and then realized all my life’s dreams could come true with an angel by my side. and then i went on to realize other dreams, and im doing that even now but life keeps throwing shit and its really hard to do everything else that i kind of put on hold 2 years ago to do this//vacation// mom fantasy fulfillment project. 

and the whole world is passing by. my muses are moving on because ive let them down. my client base knows bc someone they know knows someone that i probably did a free shoot for but never gave them their pics lol. like i understand i had wasted your time but i thought we were “hanging out doing fun shit.” like i know you expected actual compensation in the form of pics for your tiem spent hanging out, but forigve me. and then one time my friend had paid me to take headshots but i accidentally deleted the flashdrive they were on and fucking lost them. I had legit began editing them and they were gone. she had paid me $100. lmao. but i offered to return it and she said no keep it. and then the last time i saw her i was pregnant or something so the retake never happened and she never asked. I gave her free headshots the time before that she had as her professional pic for years and honestlym, they were def worth $100 even though i was an amateur. so i guess we’re even. 

i just hate that my friends cant trust me to give them good work again. mostly bc editing takes me forever. and i need to learn how to do it from scratch but can’t fucking focus because im a mom to a toddler and i probably have adhd. 

shits difficult. i feel like i dont have any friends. lmao

[amma-af]

j was a force of nature. the kind of girl’s people write about in movies. manic pixie dream girl, i’ve met a few i think she was just a libra so it came naturally, and then of course that was her chosen tumblr persona--the girl who denies shes a manic pixie dream girl bc she’s too tough for that shit but shes also manic and depressive. i hope she got the help she needed.

she never took any of my advice. she definitely didn’t respect me when she was angry. but she thought about me when she was away from me sometimes. but she mostly thought about me when she needed a friend--mostly to vent to, often to just chill with before she started hanging with her boyfriend’s squad but then once she started being jealous of them she needed me to vent to and then she just would not listen to any of my advice. she thought i was pressuring her or something.like i was bossing her round.

but we saw planetarium together. and also went to the planetarium with our little people and she was--i dont know, in a bad mood the whole time or did she have fun? i remember we were babysitting but she loved her little sister right? or no?

anyway. we did a lot of stupid shit together, some really fun. like she put me on to lofi music but also manipulated me and had this drama of us living together in the desert even though i was not in love with or attracted to her but i had to entertain her fantasies and gently have her back off evne though at the end of the day, she made it clear i was her last resort. but bc of her habits, she’d only have me left. because i kept taking the abuse. but also wasn’t cool enough? idk.

she told me once that it was tough being pretty but i wouldn’t understand. it was the same night she told me she was so angry that she just really wanted to hit me, but instead she ruined the night with her words.

ive dealt with a lot of abusive friends who could not admit i was cool enough because i was just like, kinda different. desi, not conventionally pretty i guess, kinda dorky, lowkey bumbling. i speak too much and sometimes dont know when to shut up, but im a dope ass friend otherwise. and i know that she reveled in that. just like s. just like those bitches in elementary school even.

fucking, it was difficult being an immigrant kid even back before 9/11. and hell it fucked us up. and like i love my friends who’ve had a similar upbringing but we’re all so mentally fucked and overwhelmed. and there’s this whole ass pandemic which is making it difficult to maintain healthy friendships. alhamdullilah i have many. its just difficult not to fall in that cycle of abuse or perpetuate it with petty fights and paranoia and disbelief that love could even exist. like, i lowkey have been traumatized by love and i need a therapist to handle this. let’s see what monday brings. 

[amma-af]

oh and cook adn clean and remember when i started a podcast. anyway, tumblr mommy blog.

[amma-af]

i love my life. i love my house, even the mess in it sometimes--like fro aesthetic purposes, for lifestyle photoshoots showing decrepit shit in america during a global pandemic but make it fashun. i love mustafas stuff eeverywhere, it feels like his house too and my white doc marten esque knockoff shoes  and the pile of shit to take toa mmis house, mamaji’s painting, the giant plant that seems to be doing ok compared to the one i killed when muf was born--its soil had mold on it bc my room was too warm or something, i had to send it away. i love mufifi but the 3 hr battles to sleep are literally making me want to stab myself, my skin is crawling and my tits are raw af. im aesthetically holding a cartoon joint while mwatching tv standing in my kitchen, but a model not me.

summer in pakistan fashion fa45 idea to do upcycled hoodies and denim with gota and the arabic lawn in chambray distressed jeans black faded pattern tbhing and like, tie die we cna make ourselves. to wear under or whatever but like, fall themed. would be fucking sick. bleach on black, real distressed. can we get jersey or denim but champbray?

i have like a million ideas of what i want to do and not enlough energy attention or time im sure im adhd and need to be diagnosed asap bc im ruining my marriage and yelling at a 16 month old who doesnt want to go to sleep bc my skin is crawling adn i lowkey feel suicideal.

but im v high functional depressed but like rly low functional adhd gemini so much of my dumb ass chart is gemini and on top of that i. mentally ill adn i know im fucking brilliant. cant spell brilliant without ill unfortunately so like, idk what to do.

apply to school or find a fuckign job fix my resume find a therapist do shit for ammi abbu my fashion line learn photogra[hy hang out wioth friends be a mom SLEEP TRAIN MUSTAFA THIS WEEK AND TAKE HIM TO DENTIST but also clean out my phone to download the app i need to sleep train mustafa holy fuck im overhwlemed and need a therapist to diagnose me and help me fucking cope now before that cartoon joint becomes 2 real.

[amma-af]

numerology/angel numbers

numbers ive been seeing

331 saabji

The twin flame of angel number 331 is straight forward that it is the time to become one with your twin. ... The 331 Angel Number twin flame is a divine message of being united with your twin flame and to become complete as a soul. FREE GIFT: Get a numerology reading customized to your birthday.

https://angelnumbersmeaning.com/angel-number-331-meaning-and-symbolism/

angel number 331

Your angels are calling on you to go through life with courage.

Do not allow fear, worry, and apprehensions to overcome you. Be fearless, for you are not alone in this journey.

Make your goals well known to your angels. They know the hurdles you have to go through. With their assistance, there’s no hurdle that you can’t surmount.

303

The meaning of number 303 also urges you to fill your life with love. When love overflows, you will make an impact on people, and they will fill their lives with love as well. ... The angel number 303 is a number of spontaneity. It signifies travel and adventure. This is the time to live your biggest dreams.

Angel number 303 meaning is encouraging you to continue living your life with optimism. The angels are reassuring you that you are never alone. The angels are always with you at all times. Angel number 303 is advising you to keep your mind focused on everything you set your mind to do. Good things are coming your way.

333

Angel number 333 is a sign of significant growth in a positive direction, so have confidence in yourself moving forward that this is the best time to focus on thinking positively

33

Number 33 is a Master Number (Master Teacher) and resonates with the energies of compassion, blessings, inspiration, honesty, discipline, bravery and courage. Number 33 tells us that 'all things are possible'. 33 is also the number that symbolizes 'guidance'.

numbers i usually see

313

It is the symbol of communication, self-expression, skills, and encouragement. As such, the combined power of number 313 resonates quite well with the energies of the Ascended Masters. When you keep seeing this number, it means that the angels and the Ascended Masters are around you.

1111 around when we were moving out

For many of us, 1111 is a wake-up call that tells us to prepare for something greater to come. It's a time to manifest our intentions and take action to achieve our visions. Remember: thoughts are energy, and energy creates! Seeing the first 1111 can help us to know it's time to take the first step and incite action.

i need to read namaz properly.

[amma-af]

i am full of so much fear and doubt. partially thos might be due to what i was told as a child, past traumas, losses, etc. but shit man. im full of a lot of fear. and then theres doubt which makes me doubt if i shouldnt fear in the first place. like im doubting this previous sentence and want to ask if i make sense but i do make sense im sure. and if anything, i can edit.

i live in an apartment complex where there are 3 floors above me and the walls and foundation of the entire thing are very thin so you hear every creak. and being able to hear so much makes me more fearful bc sometimes it feels like someone is walking towards me and other times the dog upstairs starts barking after ive long forgotten he exists and it pushes me over the edge with the anger that is both caused by and excused to my exhaustion from simply living and trying to maintain a semblence of order and routine and “family life” and motherhood and just like, existence. so im perpetually tired. there is always something else to clean and i always also have ideas in my mind of what i want to be doing as well, right now.

like i love when im present. i love it when i feel comfortable sitting in my own home, hearing the neighbor’s laughter and my husbands snores, and the rustling storm out doors. feeling the warmth of my blanket and my cold feet, the taste of pomm juice in my mouth mixed with saliva and that lump in my throat. able to smell that everything is ok. and for a moment im ok.

i need more mindfullness, i need more weed too then but what i really need is a therapist and a proper diagnosis and treatment plan.

so i should make a list. but i should also take a break and just watch euphoria and try to cull my insides from leaping out of my throat. and this headache. and my knots.

i think ill have to rub out some knots and just watch euphoria for now. and that’s ok, but i need to get it together soon.

[amma-af]

looking for a 5′4ish model with dark hair, plus size, south asian-esque.

[amma-af]

mid-life crisis fast approaching lmao.

bruh moesha made 30 seem hella old. im freaking 29, im definitely not old.

do all 30 year olds feel this? is this fucking cliche? is this what being a millenial feels like?

freaking. andell seems like she should be at least 45 shes had a business forever, she looks oldish, hella independent with ehr own moneey, yeah she keeps getting played by her lover but the d is probably great and she doesn’t need “love” bc she’s not dependent on it for basic necessities. but she needs love so she has hope. she’s woke but understanding when someone who doesn’t understand yet. she supports the kids but says it like it is. i can def see some bits of myself in her but bruh, at least 35? bc im 29 and 1 im not as independent, and 2, im def not as old.

but i also kind of get how shes a 30 year old but do 30 year olds get the respect of older people? does andell get respect from older people? idk man tv makes teens look like 20-something and 30 eyar olds look like my mom. dee hangs with andell, she’s def not 30. but then again we hang with older people, no?

are 30 year olds friends-ish with teens and like older folks all at once a millenial thing? i mean i def have older friends bc of work, and hang with my siblings who are a generation older and as a teacher i talk to kids who are teens but i wouldn’t be friends with them? unless you consider my nieces and nephews, and some much younger coworkers.

but if im “superior” to them in some way im basically a mentor and ugh. maybe andell is 30.

that same moesha episode has gotten me thinking about highschool. and what a fucking shitfest it was. i mean, why the hell was i so pressed instead of just being a fucking kid? like, i def ended up where i wanted to and realized it sucked even more (college), esp the way i did it initially, but once i got over the fucking ivory tower and american dream bc i reallized it was never made to include me to a certain extent (the whole identity crisis over foreclosure of identity from the every day--being unwanted by the same thing interpellating its allegiance to you, how all that crap felt of being a --insert almost every pressed identity grouping here-- at a fucking --insert ever agrandized fucking included, repressive identity force here--insitution. high school wasn’t bougie enough i think. like everyone was like closer to the ground class wise so maybe it didnt feel like a big enough ocean yet. a friend told me post highschool or maybe at graduation that im going to be the big fish in the little pond trying to swim in the ocean or some quote like that. fucking i was, if not socially which i honestly didnt even try and fucking got ostracized from anyway, def on top academically and fucking TEACHERS were trying to push me down but like i still got to exactly where i wanted to go. and i fucking had a wonderful time there. got kicked out but became a whole ass human being who found so many homes with people and so many loving arms and caring friends and fucking insane moments and memories and fucking became who i am today--a fucking cool as andell like adult with a full and complete social life if not financial or career life like im ok dude. ive accomplished enough even if capitalist might make me feel like i havent accomplished anything. much like the racist ass teachers made me feel and the racist ass kids made me feel about being smart in a fucking shitfest and where the other brown kids were just in competition with me. i had no friends. i lie, i had a few. and i had the respect of a few. and i guess that makes like maybe a dozen people--hold on let me count, i think 9 people, that im cool with from high school, 3 who are close to me, 1 who fucking hates me post-college life and would try to talk shit or ruin me maybe but i miss her and we were fucking close at some point. and then a bunch of people who probably dont give a shit no longer bc we’re all adults who need to move on with our lives. i hope theyre not petty and hate me just bc of high school.

i wonder if any respect me now lol. aside from those i know, do any of them like feel bad kind of for not being a better person to me? maybe i was a bitch too though. but thats only bc i was lowkey power hungry and just wanted to get into fucking the college of my dreams and had been fed that academic success led to fianncial success and overall joy de vivre  or however oyu fucking spell it.

id still be down to be friends with whoever wants but dont have the time or energy to deal with the pettiness. i think this year was supposed to be our 10 yr reunion and idk if theyll do it bc of covid or not but fucking would i even wanna go? im still so traumatized from it idk if id wanna be judged that hard again.

fucking, i wish i was chiller back then. had realized i could be creative and look good and be more confident if i wanted to. but i guess i wouldnt be who i am had that shit not happened but i also suffer from extreme anxiety adn depression now so like maybe, people could ease up on the judgement and hatred and constant barriers and shit talking and like, lowkey bullying down a notch. these white and white washed brown kids had me fucked up.

i wish i had just like, been able to chill and be accepted a little more. but i wish the people who were chill with me couldve been more  comfortable or confident in being who they were. 

i remember ending freshman year, confident that i would have friends at the end of high school sitting between the coolest and queerest two people i could imagine showing off my hot pink ipod 3G or whatever. and then hanging out in the city with a few people on the last day. i dont even remember what we did. maybe olive garden in times square? it was def times square. the big toys r us in the city with the dance dance revolution. who the fuck were the people with us? was that even freshman year or is that a memory from some other time? i dotn fucking remember much of the good times in high school anymore. more shitty times.

but fucking, if people had been loyal would i have been a diff person? def s j and j and then later n but w during the first year and d all hugn out with me in college. and made freshman year bareable and some sitll continue to make life bareable and for me to feel loved in this day adn age adn i know the freindshipsare genuine now but i wonder if id have more people from high school as my friends just bc i fucking get attached to people bc of the whole empathy thing and like we knew eachother for good chunks of our lives, we should keep up with eachother and make sure we’re ok. but also like, did we even show care back then?

i wish id lived the teen life a little more though. like my husband did. like so many of my more normal than me feeling friends did but i wonder how many of my college friends actually liked their high school years lmao.

fucking. whatever. i probably wouldnt go to the reunion if it happened tho, fucking miss me with that shit.

andell is cool. she didnt get mad at moesha for missing her party since hs ehad a great time on her birthday thanks to her, and instead was proud that she put out a good newspaper. im def like, maybe if aliha missed my party id be happy and proud of her for her acocmplioshed but id still be pouty adn idk if that makes me much younger tahn andell or if thats just the whiny cancer gemini in me.

omg we need andells chart to udnerstand if she’s actually 30 lmao and just mature for her own age or if that show is trippig about depicting her as 30 bc shes def oldr. wonder how old the actress was.

thats an easy google fix but im just gonna keep watching and pondering lmao.

man there were some teachers at that fucking school who did not wanna see me succeed in life. and to have your advisor be that teacher really fucks with you. what a fucking bitch i think she hated me. the other people im friends with loved her tho but i think she was really just a racist. she pushed me hard but made things harder for me for no reason. thank god i got out of there in one piece, and with some confidence left in me. 

i need to go to therapy again fuck. 

[amma-af]

comments and random people who make them? like earth is healing we bout to be yeeted

personalities based off comments

maybe ask commentors to collab?

leave a copmment and ill make a shoot out of it

political commentary too cheesy

i rly like my day in the life of quaranteened idea

astrology

planets

MOESHA PHOTOSHOOT

episode 11 season 3 ending purple pink turtleneck top with blue jeans and hair down back pigtail thing

season 3 ep 12 intro with usher is also dope

writing diary on yellow bed spread

thrift and upcycle on depop

iconic group fashions in Moesha

[amma-af]

it aint me

dancing--shut up and dance with mlooking to cast a model for a portrait series based on identity for TFP only (unfortunately) but i promise ill make it fun/complensate with quality pics. 

can how deep is your love be a qawali

qawali series--songs we can consider to be a convo between the divine and its lover/unsure, anxious, nervous devotee 

how deep is your love is def one of those--just read the lyrics. made me dance a bit uncontrollably. haram?

ask sania, in collaboration with shezantino. why dont you revive that or no longer identify with? i associated it with you for a while

too ooncha man.

we’re reaching.

im reaching.

too high. 

for example, sitting in my plaid shirt in my living room, disheveled, surrounded by afterschool projectst that look menacing but also cute at the same time, but make it fashion--pink hand, dog placed eerily.

paranoiaas

walking doll jumping on me mad creepy r.l.stines style

desires, husband comes to comfort, or party and all these college like outdoors noises dont exist beyond our music.

listening to music feeling evil distraight but also ok? idk. 

dancing with hub shut up and dance with me--what that song embodies used as title.

she took my arm, i dont know how it happened. 

should i ask friends to model or make model friends? lol

wooohoo shut uo and dance with meeee

queen record

 maybe shoot of its own?

i realized this is my last chance

aaj jane ki zid na karo

im losing my mind feeding muf.

cuddling muf

sex on the couch

sitting and watching psych

hanging with muf

eating dinner

happily

depressed

ecstaticly high

normal

sleeping

watching psych

fighting on NYE

coming home early because you missed me

happy birthday awkwardness

NYE sitting talking to family

NYE sitting missing family

NYE sitting heads in hands.

mustafa sleeping in the middle.

aas a child, reading, at walker street

writihg. in pain or harry potter at walker road

dreaming at lakeshore

library, brandy?  for sure.

popularity

back scratching game

runescape

skorts

fuck 

grasshopper

pony

so many memories shit that shcool was good those vibes were amazing, i exploited the shit out of my popularity lol

i hope brandy isnt a trump supporter. i think she was mormon. i hope shes happy and healthy and safe.

same for h. 

too many self portrait ideas

lets do the simple in quarantine vibes

and then make more model friends to capture--i miss korinne im sorry i couldnt make you famous kid, wish we had more energy and i hadn’t taken your condition lightly, had i just done my photogrpahy more like you always encouraged but hell, where did yoi have the time? was i too mcuh competition for joe that she didnt even fucking ask?

maybe she could sitll be friends with Kor and maybe wed be on the way to the path of being infkluencers and hell Kor maybe wed be famous sooner and we couldnve made it together but fuck jo. 

lmao me in college would be a hilarious yet terrible shoot.glorious maybe lmao freaking kainee man.

what i look like in college what i looked like in high school what i looked at my worst/best what i looked like as an adult and beyond? maybe ev en as a kid?

baby--lol recreate.

[amma-af]

This is US

this is who we are. Wholly and completely. There are still people alive today who weren’t allowed to vote through taxes and demeaning tests. Some of those individuals voted for the first time ever in Georgia right? How is that fucking allowed. And then the ”insurrection”— what a cute fucking YA novel word for a bunch of smelly Hicks throwing a tantrum with the help of the cops and the support of the president. It’s illegal to smoke a plant, and harder to sneak candy into a movie theater than for the hwites to storm a government building fully armed—the freaking hub of lawmaking in the nation.

and they showed us that they can do anything with impunity so watch out. what a terrifying reminder.

[amma-af]

the one who is enough

i love the dude i married. we definitely have moments where we fight or act stupid but thats mostly our brains making issues bc of anxiety or whatever. other than that, 100% know he’s real and here for me. i love him, he loves me. we’re trying to make something here, a family, a home. he’s been very supportive of my ideas and things i want to do. he’s been very supportive of this family and where we’re going by the sheer nature of his job. you can’t break your back all day so your wife can buy your kid all the toys and books she wants mostly uninterrupted, if there isn’t a whole lot of love there. 

he’s good. he’s a keeper. i appreciate him. he built this coffee table im resting my laptop on to type this all by himself today. before that, he carried this heavy ass shit that i couldnt even life a millimeter off the ground up and entire two flights of stairs.

fucking champ. 

[amma-af]

cue gambino

its almost 2 am here on the next day and i just remembered that i was supposed to write again. or keep writing.*

i think i did this in highschool senior year bc i believed in my ability to write out the perfect culmination/illumination of my thoughts and bc i had so much shit going on that i kinda just needed to confided but had no one around me who i could burden without the guilt or who would understand.

haseeb understands. a little. and he’s someone who listens but maybe he’s just really tired these days supporting our lifestyle while i take care of our life in general. hard work, for both of us.

or maybe he’s not interested--aka i don’t wanna burden him so im back, cyberspace.

this is great until the paranoia of the penoptic gaze creeps back in. and not becuase im afraid of ghosts but because im haunted by the violent past and present of this country and i know what its capable of but stll be shocked when it happens because im also deep in love with this land because it is what i know, where ive grown, what feels like home to me. is my home.

but once again, it has made it clear that it is the home of those who think they are better and more rightful than the rest of the world. to the white supremacists whose lives are the only ones that are respected enough to not be disposed of with impunity.

how the fuck did they just saunter in and make a joke of and in essence, expose the true weakness of the whole fucking country. fucking unke baap ka maal hai jaise. 

magar shayad, baap ka hi maal hai.

loota hua.

salay fucking laantis. beghairat chores.

[amma-af]

day 1

each time i begin writing i dont know where to begin. i begin writing too often and stop writing consistently. i wish i could be the writer i know i can be. i wish i could be the writer i’ve been told i can be by those ive respected. i wish i could deal with the overhwleming feelings of having to justify my voice and “learn” the art of writing. I think i have a love/hate relationship with learning.

as in, i love learning things--about, how to, etc. gemini. always thinking.

but yeah, gemini--always (over)thinking. so i don’t like learning because its complicated and you have to fail a few times.

i think i become passionate about something and focus on it almost obsessively and then i just stop caring. its like once things become more attainable i cant run that last stretch. i can barely move tbh.

so i liked writing, and then i got intimidated or overwhelmed and just decided to keep it to myself. and then photography happened and im so happy behind that camera but gotdamn the editing kills.

so i got overwhelmed and decided to live a nikon-less life. but i miss it. and i can use it for $$.

im doing motherhood right now. thats something thats overwhelming and tiring and scary but not something i can give up. some days i feel like im losing it. others are life-giving. i am so full of joy, but them im so full of fatigue and sorrow.

today was a rough day.

yesterday was so perfect. im not sure if in retrospect but i felt better yesterday. we had a routine, things flowed pretty well. i even got to take a 5 minute shower before a pointless work meeting while the baby slept.

and then today, when i had everything planned and only an hour of work obligation but hours of other obligations, all hell broke loose and that baby had me in tears for the first time in forever. i felt so helpless. i felt like he were mocking me. poor kid’s just teething and im mentally ill.

i need therapy again.