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i feel like an abandoned house people come and go through; intriguing people at the beginning then they realize im just a bunch of empty walls and old broken windows

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I finally weighed myself. I’m back around the same weight I was when I was 15–actually even lower. I got to this weight at 15 but I could never maintain it. Everyone I’d get to 125 I’d immediately gain back to 135 within a week or two.

It’s been several months of maintaining ~122. I hate that I’m finally happy with certain parts of my body and I feel better and I can focus on school more this way. But I lost my ass and thighs that were the only thing I really had going for me. None of my clothes fit properly anymore and most things are too big or just don’t fit sizing properly. My work uniforms are all way too big. My belt went from being on the third loop to needing extra holes and it still being too big—I can wrap it around my waist twice now instead of just going halfway. I’m scared to be honest but I’m so scared of food. And my new job every box lists macros and shits on calories or anything else. I see foods I want to eat and I come up with recipes in my head but I don’t buy or try them because it’s too scary. I finally realized, I think I feel healthy because I eat healthy foods mostly and I never thought I was sick but I’m starting to think I have ortho and that’s why nothing else sounded right.

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Just posted earlier draft— wanted to post more thoughts.

I don’t do it because I want to look a certain way, it’s more because I see myself another way that I don’t like and everything in my life starts going right every time I do it. I feel good again, less unhappy and just better. The dark moments when it feels worst make the good moments worth it because no matter how dark they get, they’re never as bad as when I’m eating normally. I don’t understand but I’m just rolling w it at this point

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I’m so tired all the time. I feel like I’m fourteen all over again. I’ve fallen into all those same old habits and tendencies that fucked me up back then and I can’t stop. I even tried listening to that music to see if I felt better but it’s still so triggering for me. Sometimes at work I feel like I can’t breathe because I get so suffocated by how intensely I don’t want to exist. I‘be gotten to the point where I’ve realized my whole life I’ve been surrounded by people who’ve sworn they care about me but always promised the others didn’t mean it. When I look back with the hindsight I have now, they were both right; neither really cared. And when things get really, really bad, I come here and post. I can’t really tell anyone these things because there’s no one in my life I can tell them to and sometimes I feel like the only way anyone will ever understand me is if I’m not here. Which is counterintuitive and may sound dumb but it is what it is I guess

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vTasty- Visually Tasty Food Blog Vegan Caramel Cake via Tumblr

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Monte cristo

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January 5th

Sometimes when things get really bad and I start to feel myself getting worse again and I come on here I wonder if anyone will ever find and read these. After I’m dead and gone, will my family search my computer and find this page? That sounds absolutely terrifying. I really am getting worse and worse and I don’t know why. Nothing horribly bad is going on but I just feel so miserable that I don’t understand what the point of anything is anymore. I hope I don’t get banned for posting this but I need to get it off my chest and I want to be able to see my posts from my worst moments. I have come to terms with the fact that I don’t really enjoy life but I know I’m not going to do anything about it so this is a not a “commit death” post. I’m only saying that I want to but know I never will because I’m too scared of the afterlife. Apart of me thinks, I’ll eventually have to face it anyways so why not now? But also, I’ve felt this way for so so many years that I feel certain I’ll never do it. But at the same time, I do recognize I’m getting closer and closer to it. I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I’m too ill to be healed or fixed and I have too many obligations and expectations and things that I know I’ll never be able to get to do because I’m just too self destructive.

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12/25/20

I haven't posted in awhile, but I was doing really good. I wasn't eating mroe than one salad a day, and barely even finishing it. a Maximum, 210 calories a day. Christmas came though and I've been binging the past few days. I gained all the way back to 130lbs this morning. I freaked out but I'm feeling good again even though kind of watched because, I'm going back to my apartment tomorrow and don't have to pretend to eat anymore but also my mom directly asked me if I have an ED. Shouldn't make me feel good and I told her the truth that I weighed myself and was at 130lbs which calmed her a bit, but she said my face looks really thin and my arms too--kind of an all over "thinness." Kept asking me if I was making myself throw up. I said no but tbh I've relapsed into that really really badly recently. But I feel weirdly good about it right now. So I'm eating dinner.

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Thougts

I’m supposed to be writing my final essay right now which I’ve barely just started, but I need to get this out of my head and somewhere else. I’ve realized how sick I am. I’m not exactly sure how it happened but I’ve put on 5 pounds. Not even solidly, but I just suddenly started feeling so hideous and ugly. I’ve barely been able to walk by a mirror and I just want to curl up and stop existing and being generally percieved. People tell me I’m pretty but the words arwe so meaningless to me. I told my girlfriend that I believe perfection is a fallacy and while that is true, I can’t seem to wrap my head around the fact that I am not and will never be perfect. Like, I can say I think striving for perfection is striving towards a disappointing and meaningless and ultimately disappointing end, but I can’t not feel that way about myself. I feel so comfortable with other people’s “mistakes” and things that are human about them; I LOVE those things. But any “imperfections” in myself make me want to “commit death.” I just want it to end. And I don’t even connect my weight fluctuations anymore with it, I just know I don’t even want to leave my house I feel so disgusting and then I listen to a song I like and I feel good for a bit but then suddenly the song ends and it’s gone. I feel like I’m not mentally nor emotionally stable enough for anyone. But it’s starting to hit me just how deep my weight insecurities are rooted. I don’t think I’m ever going to get help because I genuinely don’t want it. I feel like I’m one person one moment then someone else the next. I’ve thought this was dumultiplicity but now I am thinking it may be a sort of, lack of object permanence in my personality. I would deny any food issues one moment then the next I remember how I purged all of today’s lunch without a second thought. It was the only thing that could make me feel ok right then. But once I feel ok I forget how bad I felt.

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Food log

breakfast:

finished last night’s salad-- approx 100 cal

coffee w stevia--approx 5 cal

lunch: 

two soft boiled eggs--130 cal

65 cals each 

dinner:

broccoli, mushrooms with olive oil, garlic, salt, and black pepper--407 cal

broccoli: 40 cal

mushrooms: 10 cal

oil: 357 cal?

pineapple chunks (5 pieces): 80 cal

Total consumed calories today: 722 calories

I may drink tonight and have low cal cranberry juice with it... my max daily calorie is 800 so I’m trying to save the extra calories for that.

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‘Fine Line’ inspired tattoo ideas 

(click images for better quality)

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Of love.

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