angdakilangsinungaling

[angdakilangsinungaling]

Character Development

Because now I know my worth.

Because now I know what I supposed to do.

It's a process and nothing is definite.

What's important is we grow.

And by that growth, we should flourish.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

I was never meant to listen.

I was meant to be heard.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

I'm too afraid of responsibilities.

I refuse to grow.

I want security.

The longer I think, the more bare i become.

Could we just stop this?

I used to believed that i am privileged.

But the privilege i think i have, is just an illusion.

I want to believe that whatever happens to me, somebody would catch me and build my pieces.

But the truth is, no one will. Nobody could.

I need to set my priorities right.

I think enough is enough.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

I dreamed of you last night.

You were hugging me tight and i don't want to let you go.

I prayed that it won't end.

Then i woke up hugging myself in bed alone.

☹️

[angdakilangsinungaling]

ULAN

Best line: “Sabi nila, pagnagmahal ka, magtira ka para sa sarili mo. Pero paano ako magtitira sa sarili ko, kung di naman ako nauubos?” - Maya

              - Just another unpopular perspective of giving love. Some people may think that if you love someone selflessly, if you gave everything to the other person you must expect that the other person would somehow reciprocate it. Pag di nya binalik yung favor or pag di nya kaya suklian yung pagmamahal mo, ikaw ang talo, ikaw ang tanga. Like other people would say, magtira ka sa sarili mo. ‘Wag mo ibigay lahat. Pero diba? We can’t help it. I can’t help it. Every time i love someone, I don’t expect that they would give the favors back. Parang mas okay kasi na ikaw yung nagbibigay, na ikaw yung nagmamahal. I mean if giving your time, yourself, your attention to the other person would make you feel happy, then why the hell would you think or feel na ikaw yung talo? I’m overflowing with love from the people around me and I can’t help but share it to others. 

Maya experienced the three types of love:

1. The unrequited love

2. The desperate love

3. The true love 

....but even if the main character is struggling in dealing with her emotions, one or another type of love i still embodied throughout the process: SELF LOVE. The most important kind of love. 

I also love the part where the crying black lady appears during the storm.She was crying on her silver eyes and tears. The young Maya ask why she is in pain, the lady said that she is crying for the world. She is hurt. She is in so much pain. Her cries were accompanied by strong winds of the storm. 

In the story’s parallelism, the young Maya is trying to comfort a crying mythical lady. This may be during the time when Maya’a grandmother died. Maya is trying to find comfort, trying to find an escape through her unrealistic and imaginative world. Same thing had happened when Peter died. She find comfort on the tikbalangs. 

I have noticed that there are no defined boundaries between Maya’s reality and imaginations. She had created her own realm where the real and the imagination flows freely in her mind. 

The ending is just powerful. The young Maya meets the present Maya and they danced through the rain after all those heartbreaks that had happened to her. It is like some resolution to the negative idea that they had built about the rain in the beginning. They turned rain into something positive and light. We come to realize that all we have in the end is ourselves and we should never expect someone to fix us or heal us. We should heal on our own because we are strong and because we have the ability to replenish. In time, we could love again. We should never be afraid. We let the love flow. Even if we lost ourselves during the process, we should know how to bring it back. 

#ulanmovie

[angdakilangsinungaling]

Happiness

I really wonder what would really make me happy.

10 years ago, i thought it was material things.

I thought it was money. I thought it was freedom.

I got them all now. But I am still not happy.

I wonder if the feeling of belonging-ness would.

I wonder if someone's attention could.

Or, i wonder if it would just remain the same.

That even if i had it all, i would still be unhappy.

What does this world made us?

Are we going to live feeling restless, feeling lonely, under appreciated and unloved???

People are full of shit. That is all i know.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

Adulting

I'm scared that the people I'm with now will be gone.

And there is no one you can call when you're sad.

No one to meet on weekends.

No one to laugh with.

And you are trapped in this big city where you don't know anyone.

It's like you start at the beginning all over again.

Awkward smiles, awkward talks and awkward behaviors.

You are caught between showing who you are and trying to adjust to others as well.

Exhausted. That's what would i feel.

Adulting is sad and complicated.

You'd realize that nothing is permanent except change.

All you have is yourself.

You don't know your purpose.

You don't know what you'd do.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

I'm Extremely Sad.

Again.

Recently, I've watched a film, Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral. *spoiler alert* I want to emphasize one particular scene of that movie.

The last scene of the movie. The moment when remedios reads the letter from Goyo. Goyo answers the letter she sent him earlier about what she feels. Then after reading the letter, a very weary voice exploded behind the scene. *Bato sa buhangin plays*. I WAS SILENCED. I WANT TO CRY IN SO MUCH AWE. I SWEAR I'M IN PAIN. I WAS IN THE MOVIE. I FELT WHAT GOYO MIGHT HAVE FELT. I FELT WHAT REMEDIOS MAY HAVE. I WAS IN THAT MOMENT. IT WAS SO GREAT.

1. The letter. I was so moved by how poetic remedios'es letter for Goyo. Something about her wanting to love a boy whom she can be with physically, a boy she can touch, a boy she can get old with not someone who is in the cloulds being that great hero, praised by many, loved by his countrymen, who can die anytime soon. This made me realize how hard it is to fall in love during those times. When you are loving someone who couldn't be with you because he is fighting for a bigger cause. *i am searching for the exact script because i love the part where she mentioned something about goyo being the hero in the clouds... Urgh word porn*

2. Goyo's depiction: being a boy general. It was clearly pictured in the movie how Goyo, even if he is a general of the revolutionary army, well known to be brave and strong had this very delicate boy living behind his facade. The movie showed how he had his inner conflicts. Well who can blame him right? At his age he had a very big responsibility on his shoulders. I could somehow see myself from him because of his inner personal conflicts. Well he is about my age. I could barely put up all my shits together and can't figure out what lies ahead and what to do, and there he was. Already a general. Has to fight for the country. He does not have the time to do what I'm currently doing. Well all I had done is to enjoy my life now because I am in the prime of my age. To make mistakes. To learn from them. To be as immature as possible. But look at this fellow. He had to be in the mountains. He had to walk miles and miles of uneven roads. He had to sleep and eat nothing. While here i am enjoying my bed and not contented with what i have, he is there sleeping in God knows what. All for the future Filipinos, including me to enjoy what freedom is. This breaks my heart.

3. The script of the movie. It is so well written. Hearing it, its like hearing the words of God. Not like the bible but its like how the words bring you closer to the characters. It takes away your soul so that you can lessen yourself and look at a much bigger picture and takes you to an alternate truth about you as a Filipino. *grabe lord beside the substance of the lines i heard, the messages it conveys, I really want to be in a time where we all converse in that pure and deep tagalog words.😋

Watching this film, I have come to realize that this man, Goyo had sacrificed himself. That this man may not have enjoyed the short life that he had. That the youth of this man has been stolen by fate from him. I can clearly see in the film that he also wants to be with remedios. To have a normal life. To leave the army. But what could be do? He must love his country. He must fight for his people's freedom. And as a Filipino, I should make that sacrifice, not just from him but from a lot of men and women who died for us to enjoy the freedom that we have, be worth it. Let us be good citizens of this country.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

Secretly

Secretly happy.

Why would you call me in the middle of night with all your thoughts and worries?

Why would you remember me when you are feeling down?

Why would you look at me with those sad beautiful eyes?

Why would I get so melancholic every time you leave?

Why would your touch makes my head so crazy?

Secretly sad.

Why would you love anybody else and not me?

Why can’t you see me even once?

Why can’t I have you?

I’m secretly loving you.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

Maybe I just wanted to feel appreciated.

I always convince myself that I am enough.

That i don't need anyone's approval.

But is it just human nature?

Or it is a problem i have on my own?

[angdakilangsinungaling]

It’s just amazing how fast things can get. 

It also feels great once you realized something that have been there along the way and you find yourself going back to. 

It feels surreal. I think this has been my spot. This has always been my spot. From day one. The moment I cried because I missed home. I missed how my mother cooked lunch for me. This is where I spent some of my college nights to remain sane. This is where I go when I want to feel peace. This place witness my struggles, hopes and breakdowns...... and i think going back here once again makes my heart feel secure because I still have this kind of place in the world. 

......and the best part of it all.... they serve tea... and I love tea.... they have alice in wonderland paintings...in case you don’t know.... I am cheshire *grinssss*

[angdakilangsinungaling]

Is it a stop or a go?

A yes or a no?

🤔 am I ready for this?

[angdakilangsinungaling]

Be better.....

Please be better self.

Fix yourself.

Don't settle.

Or you'll regret it forever.

THIS. IS. THE. TIME. OF. YOUR. LIFE.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

When you're drunk.

And you want to stay drunk forever.

Because you are truer.

You were vulnerable.

And you feel like your blood stream is flowing

And you can control it.

Because this does not make sense.

Because of the world.

Nothing makes sense.

Then you think about existence.

Why you're here.

Does it meant to happen?

Or you're just a product of nature's odds,

And some weird and fucked up

Chances and statistics.

Or maybe because of the alcohol.

Its so random and gibberish.

I loved it.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

You'll come and get me soon.

You'll come and get me soon.

The world is harsh.

The world could not be mine.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

I want to believe that life now is better.

But it seems so hard to convince myself that it is.

I want my comfort. I want my personal space.

I want my time.

[angdakilangsinungaling]

Please. Notice me.