anonheart-u

[anonheart-u]

07/19/21 10:10pm

Well i’ve learned alot. I tend to come back on this blog to check my overall progress whern i feel like ve bone nothing. I’m learning how to deal with life with mental health. I got diagnosed with unspesicfed ptsd, unspesicfied bioplar disorder. i think i also may have bpd but that a whole other thing. Ive been taking meds now im 20 so i can go and do things myself. ive realized a lot and thought about myself more. Im doing better but not great . all step foward is still steps so i’m not trying to make myself feel like im not trying hard enough. I had to do it on my own. thats the only lesson that has stuck. being by yourself is okay. no communication is okay. i needed to stop trying to talk to others when i know i have shit to do and work on. so i’m made myself a proaity. whether thats to do my nails or make up i want to feel my divine femine more. anyways i hope i stivk to me improving. i already did something bad but i think ive made up for.  

[anonheart-u]

02/25/21 11:03

 hello, I just wanted to come on here and address the whole reason why i made this page for those you actually see this page. i was extremely mentally ill back in high school and went through a lot of drama and had no one to turn to. Because covid was a tipping point for me, i spent so long ignoring my issues because i was broke and was lost i just worked a whole bunch before covid. sept 2020 i reached out to a psychologist. originally to be diagnosed with adhd.

as prior to previous post i kinda talk about a learning disability. i found out later on it was in fact adhd i just need to be actually diagnosed legally. fast forward to january 9th my psychologist instead diagnosed me with depression, unspecified ptsd and unspecified bipolar disorder. she said and i quote “ you have similar result as a hospitalized patient.” i was shocked but not surprised. i told mostly the truth besides the fact i wanted to off myself because that’s not a cheap visit.

even though i know i have adhd i wasn’t officially diagnosed with it but that’s still okay because i have a very helpful psychiatrist. one of the things my psychologist said was to go seek therapy or a psychiatrist. so from there i just kept seeing her and i’m in the process of getting meds right. it’s not fun but i have exactly found the right one.

because of my adhd i also have dyslexia and didn’t realize. which why i constant skip words and read things backward or miss words. it’s not surprising in the slightest tbh. i’m trying to not hide behind my phone anymore but it’s hard. anyways i’m still on my journey of being mentally okay and not masking nor pretending.

it’s hard because i lost a lot of friends and i recently saw a lot of my friends true colors. so now i’m literally down to three close friends. one person that i considered to be best friends with is hiding things from me and i know it. it’s not just rsd because she lied to me about small things to cover up the big. she’s constantly trying to convince me and herself about stuff and when i call her out on it she gets mad. it’s whatever.

i have two people i considered best friends at on point thats i stopped hanging out with due to a mental breakdown. they really don’t know me and i don’t know them. if i’m being realistic i don’t even know why we were friends but recently they’ve been hanging out with each other. i’m not jealous or anything but it’s expected. they’re a like in that sense.

i have no hate towards anyone i’m just tired of being being right. i want to heal from being the toxic friend. i realized recently that i was unintentionally toxic because of my unstable mental illness. this is from when i was a kid but it was a result of being bullied and harassed. this from my parents blatantly ignoring me and my issues untill it started showing in school. i’ve had to deal with real life for a long time because of this but i ended up doing the things i didn’t want to ever do to someone.

anyways my point is i’m actually working on myself and it’s not easy and it’s stressful. but i’m trying now more then ever.

[anonheart-u]

tumblr is good because all the neurotypical people left like three years ago for twitter and we’re all that’s left. this site is neurodivergents only now, babey. if your brain functions normally get the fuck out 

[anonheart-u]

[anonheart-u]

4/9/2020 1:54am

sometimes i’m extremely happy that no one follows this account. it’s my free place of not being judged. all of my life i’ve always struggled with being happy but because of lockdown it’s making it worse. i just wanna be happy that’s all. i feel like a waste of space and a horrible person. i just want someone to love me. i feel like everyone is pretending to like me. i cant tell people how i feel i think i’m just broken. why would anyone like me. i don’t talk about myself and i just hide my emotions all the time.

i think cutting off my laundry is a good idea but then i know there’s people that’s will miss me. am i living for myself or for others? i think i’m a bother to people because i don’t say how i feel or i’m emotionally unavailable. why do people want to talk to me. i’m nothing but a bother. i’m writing this like this is how i feel but i’ve hiding my emotions for a long time i don’t know any other emotions besides upset. i pretend to be happy a lot even when i’m upset. but i don’t feel love. i love my parents but does anyone love me ? i feel like i’m undesirable platonically and romantically.

i still don’t know how it is to have a crush and pretending to have one. even if i “confessed” my feelings to someone i didn’t really like them. i don’t know if i like boys or girls i think i’m attracted to them but only sexually i don’t want a relationship. i think it’s because i don’t want to give people my all. i scared of getting hurt to i repressed a lot of memories then later down play them and pretend that’s there’s nothing wrong. i will never tell anyone how i feel because it always come back and smack me in the face. i think i try to hard. i don’t wanna be here anymore

[anonheart-u]

9/30/2019 11:08am

i’m nervous. i have my second in car session and i don’t know what to do. i have to been driving i just hurried up and scheduled it. shouldn’t have done that. i’m scared i’ll fail. i’m so sad and mad at myself for not doing anything productive. i have these expectations for myself that i can’t even complete because i’m an idiot. i can’t drive because i’m scared to do it but i need some type of motivation. i can’t do anything right and i think i’m falling back into my depressive state. i don’t want to eat, or take care of myself and it’s starting to get concerning.

[anonheart-u]

5/26/19 8:30pm

i don’t know how to feel or what to do. i just want friends and to be liked by want someone to make me happy. i don’t wanna be people’s second choice. i think once i’m out of high school i’ll come out. i hate men they make me so uncomfortable and i really never tell anyone why bc they never ask. i need to see a doctor because i don’t know what to do with myself.

as i’m about to graduate high school in three days maybe it’s a chance for a redo

[anonheart-u]

11:13am

welcome to the wonderful life of me where none of your friends responds and you’re back to being alone again. so you force your self in a relationship so you can get attention but you know that your aromatic and that will get people hurt.

i hate feelings but i don’t wanna be alone. so maybe that’s why i’m willing to send those nudes or entertain those who just want sex. because well one i like sex and two during aftercare i get all types of attention.

i push people away bc of my attitude as the cold hearted bitch but deep down inside everyone knows well i thought they knew that i’m really a big softy with a big warm heart. i like hugs and pecks on the cheek. :/ but no one let me do it.

all i do it fuck everything up, my friendship, i destroy people for my own benefit just because i want too. i hate this but i don’t hate me. i just everything else

[anonheart-u]

4:11 AM

As I lay my head in my pillow I look up in delirious. I wonder when I'll be happy I thought

[anonheart-u]

12:23am

today i had enough. i’m finally breaking. i realized that there’s something far more concerning that’s starting to make sense. i think along side of having depression, anxiety and adhd i might be a sociopath. honestly i wouldn’t be surprised but it’s kinda concerning. i started to do my research about but i don’t know if i should go back to therapy about it.

[anonheart-u]

8:50 pm

well i’m back at square one again. no friends and a heart heavy with hurt. if i could just reassure my self that this doubt is a waste. if i could man up and push all the person out my life making me think dangerously. if i could just go out and make better decisions. but of course i can’t. and won’t ever be able to. i’ve now discovered two things. 1.im aromatic 2.im pansexual. which in the environment in which i live in right now is hard for me to express me.

it’s tiring to pretend to be okay when i’m not sometimes i wish i was normal. i wish i wasn’t so weird maybe then i can get the happiness i so dearly crave. but as i’m banging on my cage waiting for someone to notice me no one does. well actually i stand corrected someone just texted me after a depressing tweet i tweeted let see what’s the outcome of this.

[anonheart-u]

6:10 PM

so uh hi guys !

this is kinda a rant post. bc my irl friends are busy so i’m just talk it out here. in no way am i begging for attention i just needed some place to get this off my chest.

for those that can’t tell by my shitty writing i’m a high school student.

i suffer from a few mental illnesses. it’s not severe more like mild cases.

i have adhd (in this case it’s a learning disability so i take in things differently then others)

and i have social anxiety and gad (general anxiety disorder)

i’ve been diagnosed at age 14 or 15 but i knew i had it since 12.

back to the point.

i’m kinda at a breaking point where nothing is making sense right now. and i know it’s gonna get better but i keep thinking i’m disappointing my parents. when it’s really me disappointing myself.

i’m not happy where i am school wise and social wise. i’m struggling with dealing with my emotions. i’m struggling to not be an asshole. [ill explain more in detail about that in a sec] i’m just not happy anymore. i might be depressed but i haven’t done enough research to self diagnose myself. (i study psychology and mental illnesses as a hobby .)

i feel like some much is expected of me but i’m not able to do any of it. i don’t wanna be here like at home. i don’t wanna go to school. i hate it with a passion.

so i’m a person that doesn’t really show emotions. like all you’ll ever see is me being happy. that’s it. just happy and loud. you’ll never see me sad. i generally don’t show any other emotions. i kinda pretend. i know this sounds over dramatic but it’s true. some times it gets bad and i’m too blunt or if i’m tired of a person i’ll push them away and say rude things even though i don’t mean it. then i don’t think it’s worth it. like last year i lost my bestfriends and i just brushed it off to the side and then found new ones. i made my other friends sound like monsters (even though i still think one is).

i think i watched an anime or something i don’t exactly remember but all i remember thinking was i think i miss my guy best friend. so i looked up how to feel and i dead acted for about a few weeks like i was sad cause we aren’t cool but then my irls convinced me to talk to him and now we cool.

i don’t feel better and i don’t feel worse. i just don’t feel anymore. i don’t know what’s going on but it’s like i can just go talk to my parents about it. it’s the typical black parents thing where they look at you funny and think your play around.

before high school we wasn’t close bc they’d say for me to “stop pretending something is wrong”.

then they shoved me into therapy and i cried cause i didn’t know what else to do.

it’s not until recently mental illness became a big thing and i really don’t know what to do.

i think i might take some old depression pills my friend has and see what it does cause i literally cannot do any school work. i’ve tried now all week and it’s not working and i got a test tomorrow.

[anonheart-u]

7:33 PM

I'm in sensitive about death. I didn't realize how bad it was until a teacher at my school died. While everyone else was crying I kinda don't know what to feel. It's normally like this with me and death. I feel bad kinda but at the same time what can I did about it. I don't know but I do hope she rests in peace with her baby. She was pregnant when she was killed. Anyways I really don't wanna be rude so I'm gonna no talk about it. I know tommorow is gonna be a mess because of her death but I'm gonna try to blend in with the crowd.

[anonheart-u]

11:21 pm

I'm starting to question a lot of things in my life right now. Do I have friends ? Are the people that say they'll be with me till the end really there ? Did I make up a fantasy called friendship ? Do people really care bout me or do they care about my money ?

Who's gonna care about me if I don't ?

I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't wanna die anymore but I just wanna live.

[anonheart-u]

12:09AM

I sit here looking up at my ceiling wondering when I’ll stop feeling sad. Tbh today I have no clue why I feel sad. I just wanna crawl in a corner and cry. I just want cuddles. No I don’t mean a relationship I mean I just wanna be told it’s okay and touched. I like being with others. I hate being lonely. If I could I’d always be with someone. But in a platonic way. I think I’m asexual but with sexual stuff but without the romantic feelings. I don't know what to label it but I spent 8 years of my life trying to. Im okay with whatever I am though

[anonheart-u]

6:23pm

There’s some days where I just lock myself in the closet. I know this sounds weird but there’s a method to my madness. I like being alone sometimes but others I like to be surrounded by people. Real talk I don’t like the feeling of being lonely.

[anonheart-u]

3:40pm

There's just some days where my dark thought overshadows the things I want to do. My parents don't understand that im not blaming my stupid learning disability. They don't know that I'm depressed. They don't understand. I don't think anyone can. Even I don't understand why I get so depressed. Why I cry myself to sleep at night. Why I hate myself and the way I look. Why I wanna die so badly but don't have the guts to do so. Why I don't just go ask for help. Why I pretended for years to be okay. I wanna be happy so badly. I just wanna be a kid again. I don't wanna deal with these emotions. I don't wanna cry a lot. I don't wanna pretend to be okay. But I knew deep down why I pretend that everything is and will be okay. Because why would anyone believe me. Why would anyone take me seriously. I just can't do it anymore. (No that doesn't mean I gonna kill myself. Even if I was I'm too much of a wimp to actually do it.) I'm not afraid to die. But I'm afraid to live with the burden that I killed myself. I don't want people to treat me differently because I'm sad. I don't want anyone to pity me I just wanna feel alive and that there's a need for me to exist. Today was a dark day. Darker then anyother posts I made. I know no one cares to it's okay. I'll just pretend like usual.